Original subtitles

[ALARM CLOCK RINGING]

[RINGING STOPS]

Darrin.

I can't stop now, honey. I'm late.

But, sweetheart...

Martins is due at 9:00,

and right after that I got the Phillips meeting.

But, Darrin...

Friday's always a frantic day.

It isn't Friday.

Isn't it?

It's Saturday. You can sleep as late as you like.

Oh, boy.

Must have set it by mistake.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Oh... good morning.

Good morning.

And it's such a lovely one, isn't it?

Lovely.

My, aren't I fortunate

to have such a handsome man for a next-door neighbor?

[GIGGLES]

[DOOR OPENS]

See anything interesting?

Interesting? Mmm.

Oh, I don't know if "interesting" is the right word.

I'd certainly call her attractive.

Wouldn't you?

You might even say that she was... beautiful.

I mean, for that type of girl.

I mean, she can't help being stunning. Can she?

I mean, in that outfit,

with that long hair down her back.

I was talking about the newspaper.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

I'll get it, sweetheart.

Hello.

Oh, good morning, Marty.

Ten-thirty at the club, can I make it?

You can make it. I can make it.

If I hang up right now.

You don't mind?

We'll only play 18.

Besides, two of the foursome, Hyler and McNeal,

could mean some new business for the agency.

You never need explain to an adoring golf widow.

Besides, I've got closets to clean

and that new neighbor to spy on.

[WHISTLES]

Can't let Gladys Kravitz have all the fun.

Gladys, will you stay away from the window?

All right, so she's a...

beautiful girl.

Wow, as the saying goes.

But why isn't her husband helping her?

Where is he?

She doesn't look like our kind of people.

She looks like my kind of people.

Whoa! Arggh!

Thanks, pal.

Kind of knocked the wind out of me.

[SIGHS]

Oh, aren't you nice!

Thanks ever so much, Mister...

Good Samaritan.

Stephens, Darrin.

Welcome to Morning Glory Circle.

Oh!

I'll give you a hand.

Thanks.

Okay. There we go.

Ready?

[BANG]

Gee! Look at all them trophies and medals and stuff.

She's a real winner.

[LAUGHS]

"First prize for the most beautiful lips in Sheboygan.

Presented to..."

Oh, I'm terribly sorry I was so clumsy, Missus...

Unfortunately, it's still Miss.

Miss...

Pleasure O'Riley?!

Naturally, my real name, Priscilla,

is so much more dignified,

but it all started when I was a baby.

I'd try to say Priscilla, but it would come out Pleasure.

Well, how do you like that?

So, natch, Mummy and Daddy hung it onto me as a nickname,

and it sort of stuck, you know?

For some crazy reason,

photographers and all these beauty-contest people

seem to prefer to call me Pleasure.

Men, especially.

Why fight it?

So now I use it as my pen name, you know?

Great for publicity, natch.

Natch.

Want to know something, Mr. Stephens?

My manager has insured every single part of me.

Isn't that wild?

SAMANTHA: Excuse me.

Darrin, darling, you have exactly 11 minutes

to get to your club.

Assuming you're willing to tee off in your bathrobe.

Oh, boy.

Sam, I'd like you to meet our new neighbor, Pleasure O'Riley.

Pleasure O'Riley?!

All the women react the same way,

but I don't mind.

Hi there, Mrs. Stephens.

Oh! Be careful with my legs!

Your husband has been a living doll.

A pillar of strength.

I'll bet he has.

Eagle Scout, you know.

You should see him sometimes

helping little old ladies across the street.

Here's my new love seat.

No one to share it with me.

Miss O'Riley, I would think a beauty queen like you

would have dozens of hopelessly smitten suitors

flinging themselves at your feet.

And your throne.

Oh, well, naturally I've been engaged a few times.

I guess about 16.

And none of them was Mr. Right?

Oh, well, that may seem like a lot,

but six of the engagements were to the same fellow.

Thor Swenson.

Not Thor "Thunderbolt" Swenson

of the Pennsylvania Manglers, lady?

The great offensive fullback?

The very offensive fullback.

Now, you remember what you faithfully promised.

Not to tell absolutely no one your new address here.

Not even Thor Swenson?

Particularly Thor Swenson.

Don't you think you're being a little bit hard

on that poor boy,

after being engaged to him six times?

Oh, you wouldn't say that, Mrs. Stephens,

if this insanely jealous, rotten, awful,

terrible-tempered person

just very recently threatened to kill you.

He did?

If he ever catches me alone with another man again...

pow!

So naturally all my boyfriends are scared to death.

He belted poor Roger and Curtis

before they even opened their mouths.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, Mrs. Stephens, are you ever lucky

to have such a sweet-tempered dream of a man for a hubby

like Darrin.

Hold on to him.

I intend to.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Hey! How about that?

My favorite flowers.

My favorite vintage: Liebfraumilch.

'53, the best year.

Mm-hmm.

You expecting someone special?

Yes. You.

What's this all about?

It's merely all about the fact

that I suddenly remembered I love you very much,

and that this is the best year too.

Ooh, now, you tend to your business.

Open the Liebfraumilch

and light the candles.

Hmm.

Hey, my favorite! Turkey soup with extra-wide noodles.

How about that?

[GIGGLES]

Oh, you advertising men.

You have such a way with a fresh phrase.

You're right.

This is the best year.

You want this vintage love of mine

or your hot turkey soup?

That is a tough choice to make.

[LOUD CLATTERING]

What was that?

It sounded like a sonic boom.

Must be Pleasure O'Riley.

She's been dropping things like that all day.

Sounds to me like she's accident-prone.

It sounded to me like she could have fallen off of something.

Well, I wouldn't worry unduly, Darrin, darling,

in view of the fact that all of her parts are heavily insured.

She stands to make a fortune if she's broken anything.

Now, what kind of a crack is that, Sam?

That doesn't sound like you at all.

It doesn't? How about that?

She could be lying there unconscious.

How could you tell?

But if it's going to worry you

all through your favorite dinner,

you'd better run next door and check, hadn't you?

[DOOR CLOSES]

Abner!

Abner, come here quick!

[GASPS]

Maybe he just wants to borrow a cup of sugar.

Or a slice of cheesecake.

[FESTIVE SWING MUSIC PLAYING]

[STOPS MUSIC]

Miss O'Riley. Miss O'Riley!

Miss O'Riley?

Miss O'Riley?

Oh! Hi, Darrin.

Don't try to talk. Just lie there.

What's the name of your doctor?

Paul Pinkus. Do you need a doctor?

Just, uh, uh, relax.

Don't move. I think you're all right.

It just knocked the wind out of you, that's all.

I don't want you to move.

You don't?

Well, in case you broke anything.

Only my lips, darn it.

Your lips?!

They rolled somewhere here under the couch

when I fell off the ladder.

My statuette from Sheboygan.

How do you feel now?

Fine.

How do you feel?

Fine.

Oh! Hi there, Mrs. Stephens.

She fell off the ladder.

When I got here, I thought she was unconscious.

Actually, I never lost consciousness, Mrs. Stephens,

but it was awfully sweet of your husband.

He's such a thoughtful man.

Actually, I think it happened accidentally

when she was looking for her bust.

The one of her lips.

Well!

Lookie here.

All in one piece.

How about that?

Gee, how lucky can a girl get?

I mean, to have such wonderful, wonderful neighbors like you two

next door to me

to call on in case of an emergency.

Thanks ever so, Darrin.

And you too, Mrs. Stephens.

Boy, is that a relief.

You know, for a minute there,

she looked completely unconscious.

So did you.

Oh, come on, Sam.

You could never be jealous of a girl like Pleasure O'Riley,

could you?

I suppose. If I tried.

Now, how would you like

to wrap the most beautiful lips in the advertising business

around some of those extra-wide noodles?

PLEASURE: Mr. Stephens!

Hey! Mr. Stephens!

Darrin, are you awake?

Darrin!

Mr. Stephens.

Mr. Stephens.

Hey, Mr. Stephens!

Darrin!

Are you awake?

Darrin!

Hey, Mr. Stephens.

Samantha, what's going on?

Your friend the cheesecake queen

wants to know if you can come out and play with her.

Pleasure?

I mean, Miss O'Riley?

Why?

Darrin! Ask her.

She's paging you, not me.

Mr. Stephens.

Hey, Mr. Stephens.

Are you awake?

Should I get out your silk pajamas, sir?

This looks like it's going to be a formal affair.

Good evening, Miss O'Riley.

Did you, uh, lock yourself out or something?

Oh, Darrin, thank goodness!

I hope I'm not disturbing you, but...

But I'm so frightened.

Of what?

The moving man told me the terrible news.

Thor Swenson made him tell him where I live.

Thor "Thunderbolt" Swenson, the Manglers' offensive fullback?

Who else?

Maybe one of the other 10 boys you've been engaged to.

Oh, no, Mrs. Stephens.

Thunderbolt's the only one who cared enough

to want to come back and...

And murder me.

Why would anyone want to murder you?

Because I won't go back to him.

I'll never go back to that big, insanely jealous brute

because I hate him.

Oh, Darrin, I don't know what to do now.

I'm... I'm so frightened!

In that case, you better call the police.

Oh, I was going to,

but my new telephone won't be installed until tomorrow.

Oh! I'm so scared!

We'll call from here.

I'll be right down.

We'll both be right down.

Abner!

Abner, come here!

Oh, Gladys.

What can be so fas...

cinating?

[MOANING]

Now, take it easy. Everything's going to be all right.

You can't trust anybody anymore.

I should have moved myself,

but all those things were so heavy.

I know!

Your gold cups alone weigh a ton.

Do you think he'll come looking for you?

I'm sure of it.

The moving man said he didn't give him the exact address,

but if I know Thunderbolt, he'll find me.

He always does.

Now, you just calm down.

You go on home, lock all your doors and windows,

while I call the police.

I'll see that she's locked in.

You better tell the law to hurry.

Hello, sergeant. I'm calling to prevent a murder.

I'm at 1123 Morning Glory Circle.

All right, all right, mister. I've got the address.

What's the name?

Name?

Oh, uh, Pleasure O'Riley.

Pleasure O'Riley?

Uh, well, actually that's a professional model's name.

The real name is Miss Priscilla O'Riley.

Your name?

No, my name is Stephens, Darrin Stephens.

I'm her next door neighbor. She's the one who's in trouble.

Why isn't she making this call herself?

Because she just moved in today. She hasn't got a phone yet.

Could you please send an officer over to investigate?

What? What's the troub...?

Look, Mr. O'Riley, if you've been drinking...

Stephens!

Sergeant, as I told you at the beginning of this conversation,

this is an emergency.

Miss O'Riley could be in serious danger.

An ex-boyfriend of hers has been making threats.

He's on his way over right now.

Will you please send somebody over?

We'll check it out as soon as we can. What's his name?

Thunderbolt Swenson.

Thunderbolt Swenson?!

Look, I'll send somebody over right away.

And, look, if you see him before we get there,

would you ask him for an autograph for my kids?

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[GASPS]

He's here! He's here!

That's the new car he got

when he signed his new five-year contract.

Oh, where are those policemen?

[BANGING ON DOOR]

Oh, please don't let him in!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Here, hide all the trophies

and take down that picture of me

so Thunderbolt won't know I'm here.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Oh, Mrs. Stephens, what shall we do?

You shall get down off that ladder,

and you will go in here, and you shall be real quiet

until I get rid of him!

But how? By magic or something?

Oh!

[RINGS DOORBELL]

Yes?

Sorry, lady.

Guess I got the wrong house.

It appears you did. Good night.

Oh, wait.

He said it was the first house on the right.

Does a beautiful girl live next door?

You might say that.

The most beautiful girl in the whole world?

I wouldn't go that far.

Have you seen a man over there?

Yes, indeed. A very good-looking one.

I'll kill him!

[BANGING ON DOOR]

Okay...

Oh.

Excuse me, Grandma.

Grandma?

Who do you think you're talking to?

Well, maybe I'm all mixed up,

but doesn't Miss Pleasure O'Riley live here?

Who wants to know?

They said the first house on the right

as you turn into the street.

That's next door, where I've just been.

Did it ever occur to you

it might be the first house on the left

coming from the opposite direction?

Yeah. I didn't think about that.

Well, next time, get your directions straight

before you come waking people up in the middle of the night.

I'm sorry.

You ought to be, you big bully!

"Grandma"?

Samantha!

I'm here, darling.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, my.

Is this your idea of a joke?

Sorry, darling.

But you do look sweet.

A lot like Whistler's Mother.

Never mind that. Do something now!

Oh, all right, all right. Don't get cranky.

Samantha, what am I gonna do with you?

I'm sorry, darling, but I did it for your own good.

Besides, you make an adorable grandma.

[BANGING ON DOOR]

Abner!

Abner!

What could that noise be at this time of night?

There's only one way to find out.

[BANGING]

What is it?

I've only got one question for you.

Do you have Pleasure in this house?

Not too often, but occasionally.

[SCREAMING]

SAMANTHA: Gladys Kravitz, "passion's plaything."

[BOTH LAUGH]

How about that?

Morning Glory Circle will never be the same.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hi, Darrin!

Hi.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Stephens.

Gee, I hope I'm not disturbing you.

No, not at all.

We were beginning to wonder where you were.

In that awful police court.

Although the judge couldn't have been sweeter.

I must admit, I cried a little.

Well, that must have helped.

So did that outfit.

Oh, do you like it? I'm so glad, Mrs. Stephens.

Oh, and, Darrin, hooray, hooray.

Our worries with Thunderbolt are all over.

My lawyer just got a court order,

so now he's got to stay away from me.

But don't you still have 10 ex-boyfriends left?

Oh, and, Darrin, my insurance company's going to pay

for poor Mr. Kravitz's new bridgework.

Oh, and, Darrin, you want to hear something wild?

So many newspaper photographers took pictures of me

when I was on the stand

that... guess what.

I give up.

The mayor called me personally

to offer me a contract to be Miss Urban Renewal.

Which reminds me.

I've got to get measured

for my new civic-center bikini.

Boy!

I can't tell you two how much I appreciate last night.

Darrin, how can I ever repay you?

You don't owe him a thing.

[BANGING ON DOOR]

Who's that?

Thunderbolt. Who else?

He's here?

He's going to drive me to the mayor's office.

He goes everywhere with me.

Would you believe something?

He's so unreasonable, he doesn't even trust our mayor.

I know our mayor.

There's nothing unreasonable about that.

Boy, you sure look a lot like your grandma.

I don't think so.

You ready, Pleasure?

Ready.

Well, goodbye, everybody, and thanks ever so, Darrin.

You too, Mrs. Stephens.

[♪♪♪]