Original subtitles

[GROANS]

Where are you off to in such a hurry?

Shopping.

It's Dollar Day.

Is that good?

Marvelous! Everything's on sale.

You can pick up some terrific bargains.

Aha!

I suspected David wasn't doing so well.

Darrin. And he's doing just fine.

Bargain-hunting's a challenge. It's fun.

It's a great pleasure for mortal women.

Poor dears.

If you're not doing anything, why don't you come along?

We can have lunch.

Well, it might be interesting

to see how the other half amuse themselves.

You like it?

Very nice.

This, darling, is what I call a real bargain.

Cost nothing.

Try it my way, Mother.

It's the challenge of the thing. You'll see.

[♪♪♪]

[EXCITED CHATTERING]

[BELL CHIMING]

I saw it first.

Oh, Mrs. Stephens!

Oh, hi, Mrs. Kravitz.

It's not my color, anyway.

All by yourself?

Oh, no.

Well, Mother's around here somewhere.

Well, happy hunting.

Look, Samantha.

Ninety percent off over there!

[WOMEN SCREAM]

Mother, really!

Oh, I should have thought of that 30 minutes ago.

How about this one?

Oh, Samantha, it's dull.

You've grown so conservative.

Well, it's reduced from $12.95 to $6.99.

That's a saving of...

Five dollars and ninety-six cents.

And so what?

So what?

I can enjoy another mortal pleasure.

When you've saved enough on bargains,

you're entitled to splurge.

Now, that's really fun.

Uh-oh.

I'll never make it. Make what?

I have a fitting upstairs this afternoon,

and I can't do that and the marketing too.

And the chops are on special.

I'd love to help you, Samantha.

Chops.

Butcher-haggling just doesn't appeal to me.

But I could fill in on the dress-fitting, though.

You don't mean...?

I do.

Oh, Mother, you wouldn't.

I mean, you couldn't, not here in front of all these people.

Ah, you know how subtle I can be.

Stiglem, staglem, sticks!

[IN ENDORA'S VOICE]: Well?

What do you think?

I think my voice has changed.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[IN SAMANTHA'S VOICE]: Not even your dressmaker

will know for sure.

Is that better?

Much.

Where do I go?

Fourth floor.

[BELL CHIMING]

There we are.

Oh!

[CHUCKLES]

Helen!

Excuse me, uh, do you have the time?

One thirty.

Oh, that's exactly what I have.

May I buy you a drink to celebrate?

You should be ashamed of yourself, sonny.

I saw the whole thing.

What?

I saw the whole thing, Mrs. Stephens.

Honestly! The nerve of some people.

Well, uh, did you find your mother?

Yes.

I know exactly where she is.

Good.

I'd like to meet her sometime.

Really?

That would be a thrill for you.

She's marvelous.

A thoroughly fascinating woman.

Yes.

Bye.

Well, hello there.

Hello.

How have you been?

Just fine.

And you?

Only fair.

But now that I've met you,

things are bound to get better.

My name is Bob Frazer. Robert E. Frazer Jr.

I think I just met Senior.

Oh, yeah.

How is old Dad?

His watch works,

otherwise he's a little rusty.

Crude too, I bet.

Probably offered to buy you a drink right off.

And of course, I would have said no,

even if I hadn't been going for a dress-fitting.

I'm terribly embarrassed.

I favor my mother's side of the family.

Perhaps after your fitting

I could buy you a cup of tea to make amends.

Oh.

[DINGS]

[RINGS]

Hello.

You're under arrest for not reading my latest novel.

Bob! Where you been?

I thought you were gonna drop by the office

the minute you hit town.

My publisher had other ideas.

I'm stuck here at Blighton's department store,

autographing books.

Say no more. I get the picture.

And you met this beautiful young thing.

You're not coming by at all, right?

Affirmative. But don't fret.

If she has a friend, I'll fix you up.

Oh, thanks,

but I don't think my wife would approve.

You took the plunge, poor old buddy?

Affirmative. And I want you to meet her.

How about dinner tomorrow night?

Well, uh, can I call you?

If I have any luck with this girl,

I may not make it until Friday.

Oh, make it any time at all, and bring her along.

Thanks, old buddy. Talk to you.

Bye.

Hmm!

Oh, it's stunning.

Stunning!

Do you really think so?

Oh, yes. I only wish I had your figure.

So do I.

But the back, it's so conservative.

Well, I don't know.

I suppose it could be lowered a smidgen.

I think that would help.

And why don't we lower the front,

say, two smidgens?

I'll get the seamstress.

I'm so glad you're not one of these women

who dress for other women.

Oh! I take it you're a two-smidgen man.

I haven't found a thing,

but I see you have.

Yes. And I wasn't looking.

Is she a friend of yours?

I hope not.

You're my kind of girl.

I may pattern the heroine of my next book after you.

You're a writer?

You sound like my publisher.

I write historical romances which the clever public ignores.

If you're not careful,

I just may present you

with an autographed copy

of Helen of Troy.

Oh, I read that.

Oh!

Well, I hope you won't hold it against me.

It was very amusing.

Of course, Helen was nothing like that.

She had a face that would have sunk ships, not launched them,

and knock-kneed.

You must have loved studying history.

Living it was more fun.

Yes?

Well... Well, perhaps you could help me with my research.

How are you on the Borgias?

The things I could tell you about Lucrezia.

Well, I wish you would.

Let's have dinner and talk about it.

Well...

why not?

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Hi, sweetheart. How are you?

Fine.

You sound like you're working late

and you won't be home for dinner.

No, I'll be there.

I just called to tell you I got in touch with Bob Frazer.

Do I know him?

Uh, he's the writer, my old buddy.

You remember? I told you about him.

Oh, yes.

Seems the minute he hit town,

he got involved with some raving beauty.

I asked him to bring her along, but he had other ideas.

Good.

The last thing we need in this house is a raving beauty.

Correction, my love: another raving beauty.

That's sweet.

Oh, honey, I tried to get in touch with you earlier.

Where were you?

I was shopping for bargains with Mother.

Mother.

Oh, that sounds like fun.

As a matter of fact, it was.

She's been very helpful and sweet lately.

You have wonderful hands, Samantha.

Hmm!

And the longest lifeline I've ever seen.

It runs in the family.

You should see my mother's.

Shall we drink to her?

Well, why don't we?

She's a marvelous woman.

You're quite a woman, Samantha.

You combine the wisdom of the ages

with all that's modern and swinging.

If you're ever up against it, Bobby,

you can always write fortune cookies.

Abner...

Oh!

Now, don't blame me.

My cookie said to be more affectionate.

Mine says, "Beware of chance meetings."

[♪♪♪]

[SPECTATORS CHEERING]

[PHONE RINGING]

Ugh!

Hello?

Hi, sweetheart. Bob just called.

He can't make it to dinner tonight.

Oh?

Why not?

Well, he and this new girlfriend he just met

made a killing at the track.

They're going out to celebrate.

She's sensational.

Sensational-looking?

I don't know. I haven't seen her.

But you think she's sensational?

Well, Bob's been raving about her.

Besides, she sounds like my type:

blond hair, green eyes, crazy turned-up nose.

Sounds like me.

Exactly. That's my type.

I'll see you tonight.

Bye, sweetheart.

[♪♪♪]

Oh! Guess who, darling.

Stop that! What are you doing?

Oh, sorry. Wrong ear.

Say, what's the matter, honey?

Did you get out of bed on the wrong side?

Which side of the bed I get out on

is nobody's business but my husband's.

Your who?

My husband's.

And if you don't leave me alone,

I'm gonna report you to the management.

Well, you didn't tell me you were married.

Not that it would've made any difference,

but you should have told me, Samantha.

You know me?

Well, I thought I did.

I thought I knew all week,

ever since we met here a few days ago.

We met... here?

Yes.

You were trying on that marvelous dress

with the, uh...

Uh...

Don't you think you ought to explain a little?

Well, you see...

Um, uh...

If you did know me, it wasn't me you knew.

Darling, that doesn't make any sense.

Yes, I...

I could explain all this to you.

But it would just be even more confusing.

Let's just pretend it never happened.

Goodbye.

Well... Samantha, wait! Samantha!

Mother.

Mother, I want to talk to you.

What can I do for you, dear?

For a start, you can stop being me.

Wha...? Whatever do you mean?

Never mind the innocent act.

Your boyfriend just nuzzled both my ears.

Oh! He is an affectionate rascal.

Mother, how could you?

Oh, it was easy.

And we did start out to have such a nice rapport.

Well, it's over.

A thing like this could lead to complications.

Besides, it isn't fair to him. Mortals are very vulnerable.

Now, I want your promise that you'll never see him again.

But we have a lunch date!

Mother!

Well, I wouldn't have to eat.

I could just say goodbye.

No, Mother, absolutely not.

Well, I don't see any harm

in a simple "Goodbye, Bobby Frazer. It's been fun."

Bob Frazer?

I call him Bobby.

He's a writer.

Have you heard of him?

Heard of him?

He's a friend of Darrin's.

Oh, dear.

It's a bit of a sticky wicket, isn't it?

Sticky?

Oh, Mother, how could you have picked him, of all people?

I didn't pick him. He picked me.

I mean, you. Or, uh, us.

He's coming here for dinner tonight.

Maybe I could phone him and discourage him.

He doesn't discourage easily, dear.

Did you tell him you were married?

Yes.

Well, it helps.

Helps what?

Well, I'll simply keep my lunch date with him

and tell him I love my husband.

Or your husband, that is.

He'll behave himself.

You think it'll work?

It'll have to.

Unless you have a better idea.

Only one.

What's that?

Murder.

I was afraid after that incident in the store this morning

that you wouldn't come.

What incident?

When I kissed you on the ear.

Oh, how sweet.

At the time, you didn't seem to think so.

Oh, well, I'm very unpredictable.

Don't let it bother you.

Bother me? It's driving me crazy.

Bobby, there's something I have to say.

Oh, this business about your husband again.

Yes.

Look, darling, we're adults.

You don't have to draw me a picture.

I've written this scene a hundred times.

I doubt it.

Your marriage didn't work out,

you don't know what you ever saw in your husband,

you didn't want to tell me

because you were afraid how I'd take it.

Now, isn't that true?

Not exactly.

Now, please don't feel guilty.

We've just had four marvelous days together.

And tonight I want to introduce you

to my friend Darrin Stephens.

I'm dying for you two to meet.

Oh, I'll be there. Good.

With Darrin.

He's my husband.

Boy, there's a weird echo in this place.

I thought you said Darrin was your husband.

I did.

Ours was just an innocent little flirtation,

but it's gone far enough.

I only kept this luncheon date

to explain things

and urge you not to mention any of this to my husband.

On one condition.

Anything.

Look me in the eyes and tell me

that Darrin Stephens is the most wonderful man in the world.

ENDORA: Please! Not while I'm eating.

Um, could you rephrase that?

Tell me I don't mean anything to you, that you love him.

Who?

Your husband.

Must I?

"I love Darrin Stephens." Say it.

I... love... Darrin Stephens.

Not very convincing.

Promise you won't say anything tonight.

Not a word.

Abner, come here!

What is it?

That man, he's at their front door.

With flowers!

Maybe he's a florist.

Honey, you're gonna love this guy.

Hi, old buddy! Bob!

Ha-ha! I've finally made it.

Well, come on in. Come on in.

Gee, it's good to see you.

I'd like you to meet my wife.

Sam, Bob. Bob, Sam.

Funny, I feel like I already know you.

Oh, how nice.

Excuse me. I think I'll go put these in water.

Well, how about a drink? We got a lot of catching up to do.

Yeah, I'll say.

How would you feel

if I invited one of my boyfriends to dinner?

Fine. Just make sure he can play pinochle.

Well, what do you think of Samantha?

Isn't she something?

She certainly is.

Darrin, I...

I promised I wouldn't do this,

but, uh, it's important.

I've got to talk to you privately.

Well, uh, talk.

Oh, well, I don't quite know how to say it, but, uh...

I guess the best thing is to come out with it.

The girl I met,

the one I was telling you about.

Yeah?

I think I'm falling in love with her.

Oh, Bob, that's wonderful!

Yes, but the problem is she's married.

Ooh! That makes it rough.

Worse yet, I know her husband.

Oh, he's a great guy.

Does he know what's been going on?

No.

I think I should tell him, don't you?

By all means.

Oh, I'm so glad you feel this way, Darrin.

You see, the girl I'm in love with is Samantha.

So, um... So I'm telling you.

What's so funny?

You are, you dog. You haven't changed a bit.

You're still pulling the same old corny practical jokes.

I'm not joking.

I've been dating your wife for a week.

That's great. I hope you enjoyed it.

Honey, why don't you tell me about you and Bob?

He told you?

I'm sorry, darling. I had to.

Darling?

Darrin, I'll explain later.

You'll explain now.

Don't... Don't bully her. You stay out of this!

Darrin, it wasn't Bob's fault.

It was Mother's.

Nobody thinks any less of your mother than I do,

but let's not try and hang this on her.

How did your mother...? Why don't you shut up?

With magic. Ma...

I think we'd better talk. Come on. This way.

Excuse us.

All right, explain yourself.

You won't like it, Darrin.

I want the whole story. Straight.

[SIGHS]

I had to be in two places at once,

so Mother volunteered to double for me.

That's when she met Bob.

She met Bob?

Then it really is Endora?

Afraid so, darling.

This is ridiculous.

How am I going to tell him

he's fallen in love with my mother-in-law?

Well, did you decide anything?

Bob, it's all straightened out.

You mind telling me how?

After all, I got a pretty important stake in this.

Well, uh,

it was all a joke.

A joke?

What was so funny about Staten Island?

Staten Island?

I wouldn't know.

Oh! Well, then, who would?

ENDORA: I would, Bobby.

Oh!

Oh, ho!

Talk about putting somebody on!

Identical twins.

I should've guessed.

ENDORA: Of course you should.

Anyone can see I'm much prettier.

I'd better start dinner.

Need help?

Thanks.

Oh, I've gotta hand it to you, old buddy.

When you arrange a double date,

you really arrange a double date.

Goodbye, Darrin. It's been great.

Thanks a lot for a marvelous dinner.

Well, come again anytime.

How about tomorrow?

That's not such a good idea.

No, tomorrow's bad for us.

Me too. I'm flying up to Boston in the morning.

He flies too.

Isn't that marvelous?

Goodbye, Donald.

Phew!

They're leaving!

Together!

Who?

Mrs. Stephens and that man.

Well, it's one thing to neck in a Chinese restaurant,

but when she brings him right into her own home!

Gladys, will you stop?

That woman is shameless,

and I'm gonna do something about it.

I'm going to bed.

If I were running around like that,

wouldn't you want to be told?

Yes, and soon.

I've known Bob since college

and I've never seen him fall like that.

I guess she's his type.

Did your mother promise to give up her masquerade?

Mm-hm.

Can you trust her?

She gave me her solemn oath.

I just hope it doesn't break Bob's heart.

He'll get over it.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[SIGHS]

Mr. Stephens, your wife has...

Your wife!

Your wife!

Your wife!

I guess it was nothing important.

[♪♪♪]