Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

Yes, indeed.

This table is one of

our most treasured 17th-century pieces.

A steal at only $450.

Yes, it would be a steal, wouldn't it?

Are you sure it isn't 18th century, Mr. Bodkin?

Well, perhaps early 18th century.

Excuse me, please. Certainly.

Perhaps something like this rocker might interest you.

Oh, it is very quaint.

It is. It's Flemish.

Pennsylvania Dutch.

We were quite thrilled when we discovered this

in the attic of an old cottage in Belgium.

Philadelphia.

Madam.

If you please!

Excuse me.

You know... You know, Samantha,

they don't make these things

like they used to.

I must say, coming to these places is quite stimulating.

They hold such happy memories.

I remember the time

your father and I were in Istanbul and you...

Samantha, are you listening to me?

Yes, of course, Mother.

Well, you share in these memories too, you know.

I know.

But now I am more interested

in the present and the future with Darrin.

I won't have you ignore your heritage.

I'm not ignoring it.

I'm merely putting it in its proper place.

I am your mother,

and I shall decide its proper place.

Now you have to understand.

Now that I'm married,

things cannot be the way they were with us.

[GASPS] So it's come to that.

You forsake your mother for a mere mortal.

Oh, Mother, we've been all over that.

[SIGHS]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Is that you?

Uh, yes, honey.

Oh, hi. You're home early.

I thought I'd do a little work in the garden.

I was just having some iced tea.

Do you want some?

Yes.

Here you go.

Ooh. Thank you, sweetheart.

Uh, Sam, let's go in here for a minute.

Here, sit down, sweetheart.

Yeah, right there.

[SIGHS]

Did you wanna talk to me about something?

Yes. Your birthday.

My birthday?

Well, why do you wanna talk to me about that for?

It's a perfectly normal thing

for a man to want to know about his wife.

You know when it is. I know.

But when is it? It's in June.

June what? The sixth.

That's kind of a nice day for a birthday.

June sixth... what?

What do you mean?

I mean, how old are you?

How old do I look?

Come on, Sam. I'm serious.

I know you are, darling.

Why don't I fix dinner. You must be starving.

At 4:00 in the afternoon?

Look, Sam, I know women don't like

to talk about their birthdays,

but can't you just tell me approximately?

Twenty-two?

Older.

Twenty-four?

Darrin, I don't think we should continue

this conversation.

You know, Sam,

you don't look a day older

than the day we met.

If anything, you look younger.

Thank you, darling. That's sweet of you to say so.

I didn't mean it as a compliment.

How do I know you are any older?

Are you?

Well, yes. A little older.

After all, we met a year ago.

What are you going to look like when I'm 75?

Well, I don't know, Darrin. How should...?

You're going to look just the way you are now, aren't you?

Well...

You're going to help me up and down the stairs

and bring me warm milk when I go to bed.

Darrin, I know you don't like warm milk.

How do you know what I'll like when I'm 75?

I'm going to change.

How do I know you'll feel the same toward me?

Well, of course I'll feel the same toward you.

Sure, you can say that now,

but wait 40 or 50 years.

I'll be bald. I won't have any teeth and...

Sam, what'll people think when they see us together?

They'll think you've got the youngest wife on the block.

Isn't that marvelous?

[SIGHS]

Where are you going?

I'm going to do some gardening.

Well, spatting again, were you?

No, Mother.

It's just that he's finally asked me that question.

And what question is that, dear?

He asked to know my age.

Oh!

Well, now that he suspects the truth,

what are you going to do about it?

I don't know.

Well, just remember, dear.

With us, aging is a process requiring centuries.

With humans,

it occurs practically overnight.

Their bodies are just not equipped

to handle such...

rapid transformation.

Just wait until you see it happen to Darius.

See what happen?

Senility,

feebleness.

Mother, if there's one thing I know about Darrin,

it's that he's strong and is in perfectly good health.

[CHUCKLES]

You'll see.

[WHISTLING]

GIRL: Hi, Mr. Stephens.

Oh, hi, Kimmie.

What's the matter?

Probably got too much of a load.

I'll get a box from the garage,

take some of them out.

Mr. Stephens!

Yes, Kimmie?

Where did you want it?

Uh, right there will be fine.

[WHIMPERS]

That'll be, uh, just fine.

Huh, you're kind of strong for a little girl, aren't you?

'Bout normal, I guess.

Bye.

Goodbye, Kimmie.

Uh, thanks.

[CACKLES]

[YELLS]

Darrin, what happened?

That kid hit me. Got me a pretty good shot too.

It's just a little newspaper.

But it had a lot of velocity.

Besides, he could have hit me in...

my bad leg.

Bad leg?

I hurt it playing football.

It's been acting up lately.

Probably just...

a little touch of rheumatism.

Darrin, I've always thought of you as the picture of health.

On the surface, yes, but... Well, inside...

Underneath...

That was Louise Tate on the phone.

She asked us over for bridge.

Are you going to bed already?

Well, I've gotta get my rest.

I haven't been feeling too well lately.

Yes, I'm beginning to notice that.

Might not be anything serious at all.

Then again...

Darrin, don't you think you're carrying this thing

a little bit too far?

That's very easy for you to say.

You don't know what it's like to get a little older,

and the old body doesn't stand up the way it used to.

Uh, warm milk.

Good night, Sam. Um...

Uh, good night, darling.

Good morning, Mr. Stephens.

Good morning, Eddy. Where are you off to?

I thought I'd deliver these sketches for you.

You needn't bother. I was going to do that.

Don't you think you ought to let the young blood

take care of this sort of thing, Mr. Stephens?

You have more important things to do.

Maybe you're right, Eddy.

Hi, Larry.

Well, good morning, Darrin.

Good morning, Larry.

You know, old friend, you're not looking well.

Larry, I wish you wouldn't call me that. Call you what?

Mr. Tate, Miss Crampton from the model agency is here.

Oh, uh, th-thank you.

Tell her I'll be with her in a few minutes.

Oh, oh, oh, don't shut the door, Miss Blanding.

It's getting a bit stuffy in here this morning.

Uh, yes, sir.

Larry, how do you feel about younger women?

I think they're just fine.

I'll do better than that. I'll say they're great!

Is Louise younger than you?

[SIGHS]

I don't know.

She says she is.

I think Louise is a fine woman, Larry.

I don't think you should go around tearing her down.

Well, who's tearing her down?

Probably just because she's beginning to look

a little older. That's it, isn't it? Well,

Louise is no spring chicken, that's true.

But it doesn't mean...

A woman as old as Louise should look her age.

It's dignified.

Wait a minute. She's not all that old.

I think we'd all be hypocrites

if we didn't admit we preferred younger women.

Then you approve of a marriage

between an older man and a younger woman?

Why, yes. I mean, it all depends.

Darrin, what on earth are you getting at?

Suppose he was really older.

How much older?

Oh, say, uh, 50 years.

A marriage between

a 75-year-old man and a 25-year-old woman.

Darrin, that strikes me as indecent.

That's the way it strikes me too.

Darrin, what's bothering you?

I'm afraid you just wouldn't understand, Larry.

Well...

if you feel that way about it.

[♪♪♪]

I'm glad you came to me about this, Darrin.

I mean, that's what friends are for,

to confide in each other.

Well, what is it this time?

You see, Dave, it's like this...

They say the first six months

are the roughest in any marriage.

I think Samantha's older than I am.

And the period of adjustment,

during which the man and woman have to kind of

get to know each other and understand each other.

A lot older.

Little faults, little habits.

Maybe two or three hundred years older.

Their likes, their dislikes...

Like if one prefers scotch.

Of course, there might be some advantages

being married to an older woman,

like if you had trouble remembering historical dates.

But once over the hurdle,

once true love has withstood the test,

smooth sailing.

Like the revolutionary war.

You could just go to her and ask.

Oh, I got an appointment.

Thanks, Dave.

Any time, old boy. Any time.

"Old boy."

I didn't come here about myself, doc.

It's Samantha. I need some advice.

I didn't know who else to turn to.

Well, I'm flattered, Darrin, that you should come to me.

What is it? Isn't Samantha feeling well?

That's just it. She's abnormally well...

for a woman who might be several centuries old.

On second thought, I think I'd better examine you.

Take off your shirt.

[LIGHT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

Pete, what do you do when you find out

your wife is a witch, a very old witch?

You do just like I done, pal.

I mean, you just gotta learn to live with it.

[CHILDREN YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

[TWITTERING]

HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: How do you know what I'll like when I'm 75?

I'm going to change.

How do I know you'll feel the same toward me?

Of course I'll feel the same toward you.

Sure, you can say that now. Wait 40 or 50 years.

I'll be bald. I won't have teeth.

Sam, what'll people think when they see us together?

They'll think you've got the youngest wife on the block. Isn't that marvelous?

Uh, wait! Please don't go!

Uh, I was talking to the squirrels.

Up in the tree here...

[CACKLING]

[♪♪♪]

Quadramus, invecta, expedia.

You wanted to see me, dear?

Yes, Mother.

Where have you been?

Oh, I was out supplying two dear little squirrels

with a nest full of nuts.

You seen this before?

I can't say that I have,

but it is quite a remarkable likeness.

Yes, isn't it? Mother, this is your doing.

Surely you wouldn't think...

You needn't deny it. I recognize your touch.

Well...

it was just a little game.

Innocent, harmless.

No, it wasn't harmless.

You've filled Darrin's head with all sorts of doubts and suspicions.

He'll have to know eventually.

I'm doing it for your own good.

Later on, it would be more difficult.

All right, Mother.

I'm going to tell him the truth.

Oh, how touching!

But then, when you consider how self-centered they are

and selfish...

Well, he'd never adjust to it,

to growing old and you staying young.

I'm going to tell him.

Oh, splendid.

Mother will be waiting.

[CACKLES]

[♪♪♪]

That car's been parked in that two-hour zone

all afternoon.

Maybe we better check it out.

Car 63.

I need a make on a 1965 convertible,

license number 4R6558.

Well. [RINGING]

Hello?

Hello, Samantha. This is Larry Tate.

Oh, hi, Larry.

Uh, may I speak to Darrin?

No, he hasn't come home yet.

Strange. He never came back to the office after lunch today.

Where do you suppose he could be?

Now, I'm sure there's nothing to worry about.

Have you checked the hospitals?

Hospitals?

Larry, you don't think anything could have happened to him?

No, no. No.

It's just that a hospital

is the first place you check when someone's... missing.

Oh, I'm sure he's just out shopping or something.

Samantha, you know I'm not in the habit

of going around prying into other people's private lives.

Of course you aren't, Larry.

Whose private lives?

I was just wondering.

Is everything all right with you and Darrin?

Oh, yes, of course.

Why do you ask that?

Well, it's just that Darrin was acting

very peculiar this morning, like he'd lost his best friend.

Not only that.

He's got some cockamamie notion

that he's Methuselah or something.

Well, he didn't sleep very well last night.

I think he's just tired.

I'll have him call you when he comes home.

Bye.

[RINGS]

Hello?

Uh, Mrs. Stephens?

Yes?

Is your husband at home?

Who is this?

Officer Kern. Police department.

Police? What is it? Why do you want my husband?

Just a routine check, Mrs. Stephens.

His car has been sitting in a two-hour parking zone

at the Westbridge Avenue Park all afternoon.

The Westbridge Avenue Park?

Yes, ma'am.

Uh, Mrs. Stephens,

if you'd like us to have a look around for him, why...

Yes. Yes, I would. Thank you very much. Goodbye.

Do you remember, Henry, the first time we came here?

We'd just been married.

Seems like yesterday.

Yes. And you know, Henry,

you haven't changed a particle in all these years.

And you're still my bride, Agatha.

Thank you, Henry.

Darrin, I've been worried about you.

I'm sorry, Sam. I meant to call you.

I just don't know where the time went.

How'd you know where I was?

Policemen phoned. They found your car.

What are you doing here?

I just wanted to be some place where I could be alone,

think things out.

I found the picture in the closet.

Darrin... No, Sam.

There's something I have to tell you.

I've been doing a lot of thinking.

It wasn't easy, but I've come to a decision.

I love you,

and that's all that matters.

Do you really mean that?

When two people love each other,

the only thing that's important

is to be together.

Young or old, you'll always be the same to me.

Oh, Darrin, I love you so much.

Besides, what's wrong with people thinking

I have the youngest wife on the block?

[LAUGHS]

Ahem.

Excuse me, is your name Stephens?

Yes.

Mr. Darrin Stephens?

Why, yes.

Look, pal.

Why don't you go home to your wife.

This is my wife.

I talked to your wife on the telephone

not two minutes ago, all the way across town.

I suppose you're gonna try to tell us next

she flew here or something.

Well, I, uh... You see...

Why don't you just drop the little lady off

and go on home, huh.

Anything you say, officer.

Can you beat a guy like that, O'Hanlon?

Probably got a nice little wife at home too.

True. True.

True.

DARRIN: The other things wouldn't have been so bad

if it hadn't been for the squirrels.

The squirrels?

You won't believe this, but I actually thought

I heard them talking to each other.

Oh, well.

Mother!

Did you say something, honey?

Nothing, darling. Mm.

[ENDORA LAUGHING]

[♪♪♪]