Original subtitles

Morning, sweetheart. Hello.

Just toast today. I got another rough one.

Things are really jumping down at the office.

Has the mail come yet?

Well, I haven't...

Yes, it's here.

Mother?

Did you say something, honey?

No, no, sweetheart. Just mumbling.

Darrin! Hmm?

My cousin Mario's getting married!

He's living in Egypt.

It's going to be a big wedding.

That's nice.

His fiancée wants me to be matron of honor!

Matron of honor at a wedding in Egypt?

The weather in Cairo is marvelous this time of year.

I might have known.

Samantha, Mario's fiancée is simply beautiful,

socially prominent, one of us, of course.

Wonderful. Well, you be sure to give them our best,

because Samantha won't be there.

That is ridiculous! Of course she will!

No, Mother.

Darrin can't get away right now,

and I'm not going anywhere without him.

You can't mean that.

She certainly can and does.

If she goes anywhere at all

it will be with me, the old-fashioned way.

You really mean to set yourself against me?

Well, I prefer to call it

exercising my prerogative as a husband.

I'll send a note of regret this afternoon.

That won't be necessary. I'll take the message myself.

Oh, yes. Speaking of messages.

I have one for you, young man.

Yes?

You're in trouble.

[♪♪♪]

Well, just fix it, huh? Just fix it!

All right.

[RINGS]

Hello?

Well, tell him I'm sorry. I just haven't had time.

Morning, Darrin.

Good morning, Larry.

What time is Woolfe?

Oh... [RINGS]

Oh, for Pete's sake. Yes!

You're darn tootin' I objected, Carson!

That girl looked like Sophia Loren.

She's supposed to be 16 years old. All right.

Every advertising executive in the country

is trying to land the Woolfe Bros.

Department store account,

and I'm supposed to get it

with sketches that look like

they came out of a girlie magazine.

Now, boy, relax.

Uncle Larry has the answer to all your problems.

Another head.

Very funny.

But I was referring, as you well know, to an assistant.

Come on, Larry. I've told you.

I just don't have time to train another man.

Delegate authority, Darrin. That's the secret.

Look, do yourself a favor.

There's a bright young boy named Gideon Whitsett

down in the copywriting department.

Give him a chance to help you.

Okay, Larry, okay. Send him up.

Fine.

Hoping to be of further service...

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Come in.

I remain, et cetera, et cetera.

Mr. Stephens, I'm Gideon Whitsett.

I just wanted to tell you

how much this opportunity means to me.

We're glad to have you aboard.

That's very kind, sir.

You can drop the "sir."

I'm not that much older than you.

Oh, well, that's true, sir. I mean, Mr. Stephens.

It just seems that way because you've already accomplished

everything I've ever dreamed of.

Uh-huh.

We have a meeting with Mr. Woolfe.

I'm sorry I won't be able to brief you,

but just keep your eye on me, and play it by ear.

Sir, would it be all right with you

if I took a few notes while you're talking?

I've got an awful lot to learn,

and you're the man I want to learn it from.

Oh, sure. Fine.

Mr. Woolfe, this is our Mr. Stephens.

Oh, so you're the bright young man

I've been hearing so much about.

No, no, Mr. Woolfe. This is our Mr. Stephens.

Oh. How do you do, sir?

And this is Stephens' assistant, Gideon Whitsett.

Oh, ashtray, sir?

Oh, thank you, Whitsett.

Harvard or Yale?

I believe you've got me spotted already, sir.

[CHUCKLING] I knew it.

I know a Yale man when I see one. Best of the breed.

Brackity yax, co-ax, co-ax! Brackity yax, co-ax, co-ax!

BOTH: Wahoo, wahoo!

Team, team, team!

Those were the golden days.

LARRY: Yes, indeed.

Mr. Woolfe, why don't you sit over here?

I'm sure you'll be more comfortable.

Thank you.

As I was saying, Mr. Woolfe,

we feel that Stephens here...

Who?

Stephens. Missouri U. Class of '50.

Now, what I'd like to emphasize in this campaign

are three major areas...

GIDEON: Sir, would you like to take a few notes?

Oh, thank you.

The teenage ready-to-wear market

and competing with the discount companies

in the appliance sales.

Fine material. I like your tailor.

Worked for our family for years.

Oh, really?

Appliance sales.

And updating our approach to home tailoring.

Uh, home furnishing.

You'll give me his name, of course?

Now, concentrating on the first major market,

I'd like to... [HICCUPS]

I'd start with the... [HICCUPS]

I seem to have the hiccups.

Darrin. Oh, thanks, Larry.

I would, uh, like to call your attention to

the young lady standing in the foreground,

young gentleman in the rear, and the caption might read,

"He'd like to hold your..." [HICCUPS]

"He'd like to hold your..." [HICCUPS]

They're bad.

Uh, if you'll allow me.

"He'd like to hold your hand

"when you're wearing your discotheque dress

from Woolfe Bros."

I don't know.

Can't it be phrased in good old-fashioned English?

Oh, yes, sir, I think it could.

Oh, no, it couldn't!

The teenagers of today are very keen on...

[HICCUPS]

Why don't we just call it a party dress?

Now you're talking.

No, he's not.

Plain and simple. That's what I like.

You know, Tate, this boy's got a lot on the ball.

Well, thank you, Mr. Woolfe.

Well, Gideon, you and Stephens make a fine team.

Right, Darrin?

[HICCUPS]

It's been a great day.

I'm certainly looking forward to our cocktail meeting

this evening with Mr. Woolfe.

I bet.

You know, Whitsett,

I was looking over your personnel file.

You never went to Yale.

Why, no, sir. I never said I did.

You gave every impression you did.

Oops.

I-I forgot my briefcase.

Why don't you go ahead, and I'll meet you there.

[ELEVATOR GRINDS TO A STOP]

FEMALE VOICE: Your elevator is temporarily stalled.

Find the red button marked "emergency" and press.

Why today? Why?

If the elevator does not start immediately...

This is the moment of truth. I will not panic.

[SHOUTING] Help! Let me out of here!

Let me out of here! Help!

Find the red button marked "emergency" and...

Mr. Tate, this is Gideon Whitsett.

I think Mr. Stephens has been held up somewhere.

You mean he kept Mr. Woolfe waiting?

I'm afraid so, sir,

but I stepped into the breach, so to speak.

I took the liberty of covering for him.

Good for you. How did it go?

Brilliantly, if I may say so, sir.

I feel quite confident that Mr. Woolfe's

going to sign with our agency.

[LAUGHING] Providing, of course, I give him the name of my tailor.

Mr. Woolfe seems to think the world of me, sir.

I don't know why.

I do. You're a very capable young man. Valuable too.

Well, thank you, Mr. Tate. That means a great deal to me.

Goodbye now, sir.

Goodbye.

Honey, I'm telling you,

from the minute that guy walked into the office,

it's been one disaster after another.

Oh, I know, sweetheart. It's like he jinxed me.

I've never been stuck in an elevator in my whole life.

That's a terrible experience.

Mother did that to me once... Say that again.

What? Your mother...?

Oh, no. Now, you can't blame this on her.

That happens accidentally sometimes too.

Yeah, I suppose it does.

To normal people with normal mothers-in-law.

Dar...

GIRL: You're late.

I ran out of gas. Can you believe that?

I know. But I filled the tank yesterday.

Oh, there you are.

I apologize, gentlemen.

I'm not usually late, but things keep happening.

Never mind, Darrin. Whitsett's been showing the layouts.

Layouts? But I left the layouts at home.

That's why I had to go back,

and when I went, I ran out of gas, and...

It's all right, Darrin.

Clever, very clever. I like your ideas, boy.

Of course, we'll have to make a few little changes.

WHITSETT: Anything you say, sir.

Good afternoon, uh... Stephens.

I'd like to explain!

Don't make waves.

Waves?

Why, that thieving, no-good...

Larry, I was up all night coming up with this.

This is my exact layout!

Which you left at home.

Which I left at home. Therefore, he...

Then how could it...? How did he...?

Black magic, maybe?

Would you believe me if I said yes?

Darrin, you're tired. You need a rest.

You've been working too hard.

I want you to take the next few days off.

And don't worry.

Gideon has everything under control.

Yes. And so does Endora.

Endora?

Endora? Come out. I wanna talk to you.

Endora?

I know you're here somewhere.

Whoo-hoo? Endora?

Darrin?

Darrin, how come you're home so early?

Mother, dear. Come out.

Come out, wherever you are.

Darrin, she's not here. Not now.

Oh, yes, she is. She's right here.

She's going to make good her threat.

She's going to replace me in my job.

Oh, Darrin, you're wrong.

She's had nothing to do with all of this.

And it won't stop with just him, either.

Before you know it, the entire agency will be witches.

Then the building. Then the street.

Today, Madison Avenue.

Tomorrow, the world.

I know it looks suspicious,

but try to keep an open mind, for your own sake.

Ah! Now, wait a minute.

Can you honestly assume

that just because a young man comes into the office

who happens to be clever and efficient...?

Efficient? He's a tarantula.

Well, I don't care if he's the Marquis de Sade.

Just because you've had some bad luck

does not necessarily mean he is a witch.

Not witch, Samantha, warlock.

A term with which you and your relations should be familiar,

like dear old cousin Mario.

Darrin, this is dangerous. Do you know what's happening?

Funny.

Napoleon was asked the same question just before Waterloo.

The way you're talking,

everything bad that happens to you now is witchcraft, right?

You bet your sweet broomstick! Just consider the evidence.

Sudden paralyzing inefficiency,

being stuck in elevators, hiccup attacks,

running out of gas.

With evidence like that, you should've been at Salem.

Searching for straws, am I?

Well then, how do you explain the fact

that these layouts right here on the table

young Whitsett had at the office today?

Simple. You discussed it with him.

It could never happen.

I only came up with the idea last night.

I drew it and left it here on the table.

And yet he had it in the office today.

Now, how'd he do that? Huh? How'd he do it, huh? How?

Darrin Stephens, you stop yelling at me.

It's a simple case of...

Witchcraft?

Poor, poor Denton.

Uh, Darrin.

For the first time, I actually feel sorry for you.

So you were here.

As it happens, I just got back.

Oh, it was a beautiful wedding.

I suppose I got overly sentimental.

I mean, Duncan... Darrin.

Oh, yes. Derwin, you may be second-rate, but you are family.

What are you talking about?

You are in trouble, aren't you?

Yes.

Well, the only way to break a spell is with another spell.

Do you mean you're going to give me something

so I can play on his side of the court and win?

As I said before, you are family.

Well, that's great!

Or is it?

How do I know I can trust you?

Suit yourself.

But I'm the only game in town, aren't I?

Darrin, I hope you know what you're doing.

I don't think this is the time to make this presentation.

Personally, Mr. Tate, I was hoping

we'd spend a little more time talking together

before we met Harrison's...

Mr. Woolfe's board of directors.

After you, gentlemen.

Gentlemen, our slogan for the all-important

home furnishing division is...

"Live..."

[CHALK SNAPS]

"Live...

"Live with tomorrow today

The Woolfe Bros. Time plan way."

Now, our statistics show that over...

Over...

Seems to be stuck.

Allow me.

That over 38% of all home furnishing sales

are made on the time payment plan.

Now, our recommendation is that such a plan

be inaugurated by Woolfe Bros.

And that that plan be called...

Easy way...

Gentlemen, if you'll just bear with us,

we seem to be having a few technical difficulties.

Are you all right? [MUTTERING]

You actually gave him something to use?

You tricked him?

Yes, darling, but it wasn't real magic.

I only did it to give him self-confidence.

It was only baking soda, ammonia and garlic salt.

In an atomizer. Huh?

Here you see the home of tomorrow,

as furnished by Woolfe Bros.

Mr. Whitsett.

It's our recommendation that this scale be built

and used as a mobile promotional unit.

Designed to arrest the attention of potential purchasers,

to be shown at decorator's... home shows, uh...

Say, that thing's got a short.

Mr. Stephens, it's on fire!

WOOLFE: Fire! Fire!

LARRY: Hold it! Don't panic, men!

Mr. Stephens, do something!

You bet your life I will!

Something I should have done a long time ago!

Take that! And that!

Everybody, look out! Look out, Darrin.

And that!

[MOANING]

How do you feel, sweetheart?

Fine. Just great.

That's good. Um, Darrin?

Where's your briefcase?

Down in the den. Why?

Larry phoned.

Gideon's coming over to pick up the Woolfe Bros. file.

That's it, huh?

Just turn in your stripes and your Woolfe Bros. file

just like that, huh?

Afraid so.

Well, who cares? Go ahead, give it to him.

Maybe you can exchange a few witch recipes

while you're at it, huh?

Oh, now.

Maybe.

Huh?

Oh, nothing, darling.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

That'll be him. I'll see you later.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hello, Mrs. Stephens.

Mr. Whitsett, isn't it?

Yes, indeed it is.

I hope I haven't come at an inconvenient time.

I just stopped by to pick up the Woolfe Bros. material.

Yes. It's in the den. Won't you come in?

Yeah.

Oh, you have a very lovely place here, Mrs. Stephens.

Happy home, happy marriage.

You can certainly tell when two people

are suited to one another.

Thank you.

I'm terribly concerned about Mr. Stephens.

Is he feeling better? Not much, I'm afraid.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. He's such a wonderful man.

He's my idol.

But I suppose he's already told you how I feel about him.

Oh, yes, he has.

Well, Mrs. Stephens,

I'm really terribly grateful to Mr. Stephens.

He's the one who gave me my first really big opportunity.

You certainly took advantage, didn't you?

Well, I just hope I can measure up to the standards he's set.

Mr. Whitsett, how do you manage to be so charming all day long?

It must be exhausting.

Oh, no, no, not at all. I like to please people.

You know what they say. Catch more flies with honey.

You're just too good to be true.

I wouldn't say that. I would!

I wish I had the power to see you as you really are.

If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

You gotta step on people to get where you're going.

You gotta push and shove!

I guess so. I know so!

I'm not afraid to swing my machete

and lop off a few heads.

That's very courageous.

Most people probably don't know how hard you work

to really get what you want.

You think I'm underrated? I'm sure of it.

Have you always been like this?

When I was six years old, I had 10 kids on paper routes,

and they turned all the profits over to me.

Remarkable!

By the time I was in college, I was so rich

I hired a flunky to pass my exams for me

while I concentrated on some of the more important things.

I was out there promoting every second.

I'll bet you were.

Cigarette? Oh, thank you.

[CLICKING]

Oh, go ahead. It's just the two of us. Be yourself.

Hmm?

Light the cigarette our way.

"Our way?" I don't get you.

The table lighter doesn't work.

Oh, well, have you got a light?

Certainly!

Ooh! What is it with you people and fire?

Oh, I am sorry, but accidents will happen.

Now, you do all these wonderful things yourself?

Oh, you said it, baby.

With no supernatural help?

Oh, no. No supernatural, natural or otherwise.

It's kill or be killed. It's a rough world, baby.

You gotta be the firstest with the mostest.

You know what I mean? SAMANTHA: Play the angles.

The angles. Of which I'm happy to say, you have none.

But you have.

Like fixing the exhibit so it would fall apart.

You've been peeking.

And stalling elevators.

Oh, now, how would I have done that?

Well, you couldn't, could you?

Well, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

Pushing all the buttons with "hold" at the same time.

Oh, that's very clever!

I bet you could work magic.

You better believe it.

Otherwise, how would you have had the same layout

at the office that Darrin left here at home?

I'm a winner, baby. I keep telling you.

♪ Ba-da-loo, boop, boodle Doodle, doodle-doo ♪

Doodling!

Darrin doodles all the time while he talks on the phone.

He drew that layout the day before

and didn't even know it, did he!

Wars have been won from wastepaper baskets, baby.

Stephens!

A slip of the lip can sink a ship.

You know, I don't believe he is a witch.

You know, I believe you're right.

Darrin, these sketches are brilliant.

Thanks, Larry. I hope Mr. Woolfe agrees.

Well, yes. Then again, no.

Say, where's young Whitsett? He knows what I want.

Young Whitsett is back sharpening pencils.

Oh, incidentally,

his approach to what you say you want is dead wrong.

And suppose I want things done my way?

Then you'd better go to another agency.

Of course you told the last one what you wanted

and your sales dropped, um, 23 percent, I believe.

Twenty four. So?

So if you want a well-planned, professional campaign,

stressing the approach that you need,

then start listening to what you're paying for

and stop telling the doctor how to practice.

Okay. I never argue with figures.

Talk, Missouri U. Talk.

All it took was a little self-confidence.

To you.

You beautiful witch.

Thank you, sweetheart. Oh, more brandy?

Mmm. No, thanks.

Just plain old-fashioned insecurity and I nearly flipped.

Can you believe that? Happens all the time.

Well, he saw it, and he used it.

No witchcraft, no black magic.

Just an unscrupulous kid and me working against myself.

Mother's often said that mortals are their own worst enemies.

You just said the one word I don't like to hear.

Enemies? Mother.

Now, darling, try to forgive her.

She only gave you what you asked for.

Besides, I'm afraid I said some pretty nasty things to her.

You did? Mmm. This morning.

She was so upset she vowed she'd never come back.

Really?

You mean we're finally rid of your...

[HICCUPS]

We're finally rid of your...

[HICCUPS]

Oh, dear.

Do you think she really meant that... [HICCUPS]

Well, I was positive that...

That...

[SNEEZES]

ENDORA: Gesundheit.

[ENDORA LAUGHING]

[♪♪♪]