Original subtitles

Mother!

Good morning, darling!

I have a feeling you're trying to tell me something.

Those were in you-know-who's briefcase.

So?

Well, don't you care if he carries pictures of other women?

Mother, in the advertising business,

other women are merely tools of the trade.

Oh, blind faith is unbecoming to you, Samantha.

Don't you understand?

I trust Darrin.

You wouldn't turn a child loose in a candy store, would you?

Darrin is not a child.

Well, he's only human.

Isn't that the excuse they always make for themselves?

"I'm only human!"

They know their limitations better than we do.

Well, I don't think of Darrin

as being merely human.

I think of him as being a cut above the ordinary mortal man.

How can a witch of mine be so naive?

Mother, will you please go away?

Very well, very well. I'm leaving.

But remember, Samantha,

no mortal pulls the wool over a witch's eyes while I'm around.

[♪♪♪]

What are these doing here?

I thought I left them in my briefcase.

You better eat your breakfast. You'll be late.

I've been looking at girls for weeks.

Yes, I suppose that could get tiring after a while.

You're not kidding!

Which one do you like the best?

For what?

Miss Jasmine, the perfume account.

Oh, yes, of course!

Well, let's see now.

This one has lovely eyes.

This one has a beautiful mouth.

This one has a great figure.

Gee, I don't know.

Why don't you just cut out the best piece of each one

and paste them together, like I used to do?

With paper dolls.

Oh.

Look, I'm serious, Sam.

The campaign starts tomorrow

and we still haven't picked out a Miss Jasmine.

Incidentally, we're going to have to forget about

having lunch together today.

Oh.

How about tomorrow?

Well, all right.

As long as you promise to have lunch alone today

and not enjoy it.

I'll do better than that.

I'll have lunch with Larry Tate and really be miserable.

Better get going.

You better get going.

Okay.

But remember, you threw me out.

So, what do you think?

Marvelous. Incredible.

Some of the most gorgeous creatures I ever laid eyes on!

But I still haven't seen that... je ne sais quoi,

that ethereal quality we need in a Miss Jasmine.

Heard you, old friend. Don't lose faith. We'll find her.

Oh, I know that.

I was just thinking about going home to Louise tonight.

I don't know, after a week of looking at these,

it all seems rather pointless, somehow.

Come on, now, Larry. You've got a lovely wife.

I suppose so.

Well, if you'll excuse me, Darrin,

I'm going out to try and wipe out the memory of all this.

I never could stand too much of a good thing.

Yes?

I hoped you'd say that.

I beg your pardon?

Aren't you looking for a Miss Jasmine?

I was.

I mean, we are.

Won't you sit down, Miss...

Janine Fleur. Thank you.

Have you done much modeling, Miss Fleur?

I'm sure I could be everything you want...

in a Miss Jasmine, that is.

You might.

Yes, you just might!

Hello, Larry?

Can you come in here for a minute?

Good.

Is something wrong?

Wrong? No.

You may solve a very big problem for me, Miss Fleur.

Oh, Janine.

Well?

Well...

Well!

I'm thinking exactly what you're thinking, Larry.

I won't say anything if you won't.

You've been very quiet tonight, sweetheart.

Did you have a bad day at the office?

Hmm?

Oh, it wasn't a bad day.

It wasn't a good day...

As a matter of fact, it wasn't a bad day.

Well, don't commit yourself.

Anything new on Miss Jasmine?

We found one.

You did?!

Oh, that's marvelous!

What's she look like?

Attractive.

Attractive? You said you needed something gorgeous.

Well, she's sort of gorgeous.

She's blond, I'll bet!

No, not really.

Oh.

Well, what's she look like?

Oh, tall, straight nose, experienced.

Well, that could be Abraham Lincoln.

I said she was pretty.

You said she was attractive. There's a difference.

What's her name?

Janine Fleur.

Oh.

Sounds like perfume.

Does she look like she sounds?

You could say that.

Well, I haven't seen her. What do you say?

Yes. Yes what?

She sounds like perfume, she looks like perfume,

she even smells like perfume.

You smelled her?

No, of course not! Not deliberately.

I mean, she's exactly what Larry and I have been looking for.

Well, that's wonderful.

Now, how'd you like to go to the movies, eat popcorn and smooch?

I would love to.

But I've got to work on some exploitation ideas.

He's very evasive.

That shows interest.

He is only interested in that woman because of business.

You'd better make it your business!

Did you notice that he merely kissed you on your forehead?

The next thing you know, he'll be patting your hand.

"Notes on Jasmine campaign.

Janine Fleur. Measurements 37-23-37."

Wow!

"Adjectives to be used in copy describing her:

provocative, dazzling, ethereal."

"Personally supervise photographs for campaign.

"Get head shots featuring her large, soft, dark eyes.

"Get night shots at beach. Moonlight.

"Janine holding perfume bottle in her long, slender fingers.

Should be irresistible in a bikini."

What... What happened?

You were having a nightmare.

Didn't seem like one.

I say it was.

I know a nightmare when I see one.

Go back to sleep, dear.

Well?

I'd like to change her position just a bit.

Figures.

Here, Janine, why don't you try your hand up here,

just stroking the bear's nose.

Thank you.

There you go.

You keep moving her around, we'll be here all day.

I think we've got it now.

Hold it!

Thank you. Is that lunch?

Go ahead!

Lunch, Janine.

Oh, wonderful idea. I'm starving.

Where shall we go?

We?

I'm afraid I can't. I'm meeting my wife.

Oh.

Well, I wouldn't ask you or interfere,

except that it's...

Well, never mind.

What is it?

Well, it's probably foolish, but...

I think you'd better get another Miss Jasmine.

Another Miss Jasmine? What for?

Now, hold it. I think we better talk about this.

But your lunch! I'll cancel it.

Oh, please don't do that because of me.

My wife will understand.

She knows that at the moment,

the most important thing is Jasmine perfume.

Now, why don't you go and change and I'll give her a call.

All right. I'll hurry.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Oh, hi, darling.

I was just leaving.

What?

Oh, no, no. I understand.

Yes, well, you go ahead. I'll see you tonight.

Well, well, well.

All dressed up and nowhere to go.

I am going to have lunch with Darrin.

Really?

One of these days when he's not too busy.

Oh, I understand, dear.

No, you don't.

You think my husband broke a date with me

because he's taking another woman to lunch.

I haven't said a word! Well, it's business.

Oh, yes. Of course.

Well, I was going to suggest

that perhaps we could have lunch together.

Oh, certainly.

You know where Darrin is, so you're gonna take me there

and bring me face-to-face with him to prove your point.

I never suggested that.

Well, I'm not going to do it. Very well.

But I'll tell you what I am going to do.

I am going to take you there

and bring you face-to-face with Darrin to prove my point.

Wait for me, Samantha!

Oh, isn't this delightful?

We must have a waiter.

Waiter!

Menu.

Thank you.

Mother, are you sure he's here?

Quite sure.

Oh, they have Coquilles St. Jacques!

They make it marvelously here!

Mother!

Mmm?

I don't believe it!

I'm sure I will.

Where is he?

I know this is upsetting for you, darling,

but I'm not in the least surprised.

But, mother, why? I thought he was happy with me.

It's the spirit of conquest.

It's a disease of mortal men like...

chickenpox.

Just a moment!

That girl...

I know how you feel, Samantha.

But I do think we ought to leave before they see us.

Lindor, Ravamanthus, Incepta!

Now, Samantha!

You're not going to create a scene!

All right. Come off it, Sarah.

Dignity, Samantha. Dignity.

Well, hello, Samantha!

My, it has been a long time, hasn't it?

Sara Baker. I should have known.

She's one of us, Mother, although I hate to admit it.

Just what do you think you're doing with my husband?

Your husband?

Well, now, I heard

you'd done something foolish,

but I never thought for one moment...

You haven't answered my question.

Well, that must be obvious. I'm Miss Jasmine.

Well, now, I must say,

I've had enormous respect for Darrin's taste up until now.

Now, just a moment, blithe spirit.

Watch your tone, my gal. You're speaking to my daughter.

SARA: Oh, really?

Well, now, look who's suddenly so concerned.

What does that mean?

Pay no attention to her, Samantha.

You seem suddenly terribly solicitous

for someone who was so anxious for me

to test... your mate's mettle.

Mother!

If there's one thing I cannot abide, it's a stool pigeon!

Just what did you think you were going to prove

by siccing this broom-rider on Darrin?

Easy, Samantha. Be careful what you say.

Well, you haven't proved a thing.

Even Sir Galahad wouldn't be safe with her.

That's better.

Now that this little masquerade is over,

I trust it won't be necessary to ask you again.

Stay away from Darrin, Sara.

Is that clear?

Well, she certainly is sensitive, isn't she?

Pity. I was just starting to enjoy myself.

I appreciate your efforts on my behalf, Sara Baker,

but from now on, you'll do as my daughter asked.

You know how difficult it is for me

to leave something unfinished, Endora.

Force yourself.

All of us at McMann & Tate are behind you 100 percent

to make you the best Miss Jasmine there ever was.

I want you to believe that.

Oh, I do believe you, Darrin.

And I won't think about leaving again.

You wouldn't want me to start

something I couldn't finish, would you?

Of course not. I want...

Where'd all the time go?

We haven't even had our lunch.

We'd better get back.

We'll talk about this some other time.

Oh, yes, indeed.

Some other time.

Waiter!

[RINGS]

Hello?

Oh, hello, darling. How are you?

You're not?

Yes, dear.

Business?

Miss Jasmine.

Oh, I understand.

No, I'm fine.

Yes, sweetheart.

See you later.

She won't give up, eh?

That home-wrecking harpy!

Professional pride, I suppose.

Well, she's not going to get away with it.

I'm going to tell Darrin that she's a witch.

I wouldn't try to convince him

he's susceptible to witches, Samantha.

I never used one single spell on Darrin.

You may have a difficult time convincing him of that.

Mother, what am I going to do?

You have no choice.

I guess not.

I suppose every woman has to face this

at one time or another.

Darrin will just have to be on his own

with no help from anyone.

Yes, but darling... And so will I.

All finished?

Almost.

How are things coming with Miss Jasmine, hmm?

Okay, Larry. I think we're getting some good layouts.

Fine. Well, I'll see you tomorrow.

Oh... where are you going?

Home.

Do you have to?

Yes.

Louise is waiting for you, I suppose.

Mm-hm.

Well, is it urgent

that you go home right at this minute?

Not if you have somewhere else for me to go.

I do have.

Where?

Janine Fleur's apartment.

Really?

With me.

Oh.

Why?

I've got some business to take care of with Janine

and... I'd rather not do it alone.

I brought Larry along to approve some of these changes

you asked me to come over and make.

Yes, of course.

May I fix you both a drink?

Yes, thank you. No, thank you.

Just a little one.

Oh, fine.

Larry, these television spots need a little...

Larry?

Hmm?

Oh, yes, they certainly do need a little. Yes.

I was going to say "fixing."

Oh, I'm not arguing.

There you are.

Well, here's to your very good health, Miss Fleur.

Of course.

Thank you.

Are they all right?

Mine's wonderful. I think I'll lay down and take a nap.

Meantime, I'll take care of Janine...

Isn't it getting crowded in here?

Sarah, I'm going to lay it right on the line with you.

I love my husband

and I also have a great deal of faith in him.

Oh, is that why you're here?

Looking after him?

He can take care of himself.

As long as you don't pull anything fancy.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, of course not.

He was suddenly bitten by a tsetse fly.

Oh, Samoan lotus leaf.

Now, at least let him act of his own free will.

I thought you had more pride than that.

Believe me, Samantha, I have no need of help.

Well, if I'm going to lose Darrin to something like you,

it's probably better that I find it out now.

Remember what I said.

His own free will.

And go over the papers right away.

Is that all right with you, Larry?

Oh, sure.

Why don't we sit over here?

The light's a bit better.

Oh, fine.

Uh, come on over, Larry.

All right.

Yes, here we are.

Now, in this first setup...

Why don't you go on home, Larry?

I'd be glad to. Two's company and three's a crowd.

[TINKLING]

Where are you going, Larry?

Home, I think.

Well, what for?

I don't know.

But I don't think it was my idea.

Well, wait for me, will you?

Sure.

I think I need another drink.

Here.

Now, I think the dialogue

that probably gives you the most trouble

is right here on page three.

Oh, you're absolutely right.

It seems to me if you said,

"Jasmine introduces a new sensation"

rather than "a new essence," that might make it easier.

Wouldn't you say so, Larry?

Larry?

That's the strangest thing I've ever seen.

He keeps going to...

Kiss you.

What did you say?

I said I wanna kiss you more than anything else in the world.

Go ahead.

[YELPS]

What in...?

That wasn't funny, Samantha!

Well, I warned you.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'd just as soon keep my husband alive.

Get out of here or I'll...

You'll what?

You know what I'm capable of doing.

I'd say we were pretty evenly matched.

Sort of reduces us to the human level, doesn't it?

How would you like a poke in the nose?

I'm not a brawler.

I didn't think so.

Pardon the intrusion.

What did you do that for?

I'm sorry, Darrin.

It slipped.

Well, never mind. I probably had it coming.

What happened to you? Nothing. Where were you?

I think I took another nap.

I feel great.

Well, I'll see you tomorrow, Janine.

But, Darrin, we have things to talk about.

I don't mind breaking lunch and dinner dates with my wife

for something important,

but there's nothing here

that can't be fixed down at the office.

Are you coming, Larry?

Oh, you run along. You're absolutely right.

Samantha must be concerned about you.

Suit yourself. All right.

Well...

Now, Miss Fleur, suppose we talk about your problems.

Now what?

I realize that this is none of my business, Sarah,

but Louise Tate happens to be a very dear friend.

Some other time. My wife is waiting for me too.

Oh, yes. If you can't stay, I understand.

Then I wish you'd explain it to me.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Come in!

Hello, darling!

Hi, sweetheart.

This time I didn't take any chances.

I didn't phone, I just came right down.

Well, I've got it written right there on my calendar

in big, red letters.

"Lunch. My wife. Urgent." Good.

Oh, is that Miss Jasmine?

Yep, that's her.

Let's go, dear.

[♪♪♪]