Original subtitles

I thought all it needed was the antenna.

Oh, no. No, lady, that was just part of it.

Your oscillator variation control is out,

your audio analyzer's burned

and that TV filter, well, that's all shredded.

It's gonna be a job. Big job.

Can I use your phone?

Yes, of course. It's in the kitchen.

Thanks.

Yeah, I put the antenna up, and I stripped down the set.

Ought to be worth about 40 bucks to put it back together again.

[LAUGHS]

How did you, uh...?

Nail file.

[♪♪♪]

They're putting a new train in service.

Leaves the city at 10pm. How about that?

Don't tell me.

That's a gentle way of saying

you have to start working nights again.

Nothing like it.

My evenings with you are worth more than success or gold.

I should think Larry would want you to save your strength.

He'd go out of business if you got sick.

[WHISPERING] Samantha!

I have to speak to you.

[WHISPERING] What's the matter?

I can't talk in front of him.

It's extremely urgent.

There's nothing you can't say to me

that you can't say in front of Darrin.

Well, get rid of him.

And hurry up! It's cold in here.

What did you say, dear?

I said it was sweet of you to say so.

Say what?

About my being more important to you than gold.

I like the thought.

Sincerely said and honestly felt.

[WHISPERING] Samantha!

I advise you to listen to me.

What is it, mother?

It's your father.

He's coming to see you.

Father?

What did you say, honey?

Nothing, darling.

That's funny.

You know, for a moment there

I thought you were talking to the dishes.

Father's coming here?

Yes, he is. Tonight.

And he knows you're married.

Why so secretive?

Don't you realize what that means, Samantha?

Of course.

Oh, it'll be wonderful seeing him again and...

Oh, no!

Exactly.

How are you going to explain Duncan?

Darrin.

His name will be mud

when your father finds out he's human.

Maybe we'd just as well face it now.

I'm married and there's nothing he can do about it.

I shudder to think how many things

he can and probably will do about it.

What am I going to do?

Your father?

Yes.

He knows I'm married,

and he's coming to see me tonight.

When did you find out about this?

Just now.

You were talking to the dishes!

I was talking to Mother.

She was trying to be unobtrusive.

Oh.

Well, so your father's coming.

I'd like to meet him.

Father doesn't approve of mixed marriages.

Well, neither does your mother,

but we worked that out.

Sort of.

But Father's different.

He's got a terrible temper.

Honey, it's time he faced the fact you're married to me.

What can he do about it?

That's what he can do about it.

You're kidding.

No, Darrin, I'm not kidding.

I know my father.

And I'd better break the news to him alone.

Okay.

Okay, but I'm coming home right afterwards.

Darrin?

Uh, Darrin, look these over, will you?

Yeah, sure, Larry.

Uh, try to get on it this afternoon, will you?

We can talk about it on the train.

I forgot to tell you, Larry.

I won't be going home tonight.

[KNOWINGLY] Oh, really?

"Oh, really?" Come on, now, Larry!

I'm just going to stay in town

and have dinner.

Trouble with Samantha?

No, of course not.

Then why can't you go home?

The fact is, my father-in-law's coming over tonight,

and Samantha hasn't told him about me yet.

So what?

He should be proud to have the finest account executive

of McMann & Tate for a son-in-law.

I'm afraid that wouldn't impress him very much, Larry.

Well, you're a fine human being, Darrin.

What more does he want?

If I told you, you'd never believe me.

I've got to be strong with Daddy.

After all, I'm not a child anymore.

You'd better be careful or you won't be a bride anymore.

It's not fair.

No one tells him how to run his life.

First of all, your father doesn't run his life,

he... choreographs it.

I don't care what he does.

When he gets here, I'm going to stand right up to him.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[GASPS]

Father!

Samantha! Of course, it is.

You've got to be my daughter. You're positively gorgeous.

Well, what about yourself? You look marvelous.

Yes, I suppose I do. All right, Charles.

I shan't be needing you anymore.

Endora.

My love. Nice to see you.

It's nice to see you too, Maurice. How are you?

In excellent health, thank you.

You wouldn't have it any other way, would you?

Of course not.

Close your eyes and reach in my pocket.

You brought me something?

Haven't I always?

[GASPS]

Oh, Father!

It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

It's the most beautiful thing anyone has ever seen.

Endora, a little something for you.

Oh, thank you, Maurice.

Oh, how very thoughtful of you!

From that charming little shop in Zurich. Remember?

Oh, yes. Yes, I remember.

Is that disagreeable little clerk still there?

Oh, yes, he's there.

And still disagreeable,

but, uh, very, very little.

Oh, Maurice, you shouldn't have!

It was nothing.

Not the gift, the clerk.

I haven't brought anything for the man of the house,

but then, what can you create for a man who has everything?

What's his name?

Darryl? Denny? Dinny? Donald.

Darrin. Darrin.

Darrin. That's a good name. It's got a good sound to it.

Darrin. Darrin what?

Stephens. Stephens.

I don't think I've ever flown into them.

Massachusetts. Very old stock.

Good.

Are you happy? Yes, I am.

That's all that's important.

That's what I've always wanted for you.

You really mean that, Father? Of course I do!

Then I have something to tell you.

Marry the right man, and you'll be happy.

The right man?

Haven't I always said that?

Find the man of whom I approve, and he'll make you happy.

Do you remember my telling you that?

Yes, now that you mention it.

It doesn't make sense.

Why should he be against your marriage?

He just doesn't approve of mixed marriages.

Oh? I didn't know you were mixed.

Oh, yes. Um, I'm English and...

she's Norwegian.

That's a mixed marriage?

To her father it is.

What is he, a Viking?

Worse.

Well, where is he?

When am I going to get a look at him?

Well, he's not here, is he, Mother?

I hope not.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, if he was here,

he wouldn't be where he was supposed to be.

Isn't that right, Samantha?

Yes, Mother, that's right.

And he's supposed to be in... Washington.

What do you think of him, Endora?

Well, I...

I, uh, think he'll surprise you.

Good.

Good.

Look, Darrin, you love Samantha, don't you?

Certainly.

Well, then, you have to fight for her,

stand up to the old man.

What can he do to you?

Point a finger at you and blow you up

like you were made out of glass?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

It's a shame I'm not going to see that young man of yours.

Yes, well, it's too bad you can't stay longer.

Darrin should be home in a few days.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

He's been working so hard lately.

Aren't you going to answer it?

The telephone? Yes.

Oh, yes! Yes, of course.

Hello?

Hello, Darrin. How are you?

I'm in a bar getting drunk.

You're so far away I can hardly hear you.

He's so far away

I can hardly hear him.

You won't be home for a week?

Why not?

Oh, that's a shame.

You see, my father dropped in tonight,

and I was hoping the two of you would get a chance to meet.

If you think I'm going to spend a week in this bar,

you're out of your mind.

Oh, no, of course not. Just a moment.

I think I'd better take this in the other room. You understand.

Of course. Go ahead, darling.

She's turned into quite a girl.

Chip off the old block, eh?

If you say so, Maurice.

Chanson du Mer '59.

Mmm, quite like old times.

Brussels. Remember l'épaule de mouton?

Oh, what a weekend that was.

We were never in Brussels together, Maurice.

Of course we were! I remember distinctly.

You were...

Perhaps you're right.

You always did have a memory like a steel trap, Endora.

Chanson du Mer '59. '53 was much better.

No '53.

Oh, well. Probably only half a dozen bottles left.

Darrin, you can't!

I don't care, Sam. I'm coming home.

I beg of you, Darrin.

Please don't come home. Please listen to me.

I'm through listening. Goodbye.

Hello? Hello, Darrin?

Please understand, I'm doing this for your own good.

Larry!

Larry!

Get me out of here!

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

What's the matter?

What do you mean? I'm stuck in here!

Oh, come on. Pull on it. Pull!

What's the matter with this door?

There's Darrin. We were on our honeymoon.

Nice-looking boy.

What's this?

That's Darrin when he was a lieutenant.

What's he doing in the service?

Everybody goes into the service.

Everybody perhaps, but not us.

Oh.

Well, you see, it's really very simple. He's...

MAURICE: He's what?

He's...

patriotic.

He's always been patriotic.

I have pictures of him in World War I,

the Spanish-American War and the War of 1812.

Before that, I have paintings.

LARRY: You all right, Darrin? DARRIN: Yes!

Come on, fellas, easy. Down easy.

Easy does it. MAN: That's good.

DARRIN: It was a nice trip.

We'll have you out of here in a few minutes, Darrin.

Okay. Did you talk to her?

You bet your life, I did!

What'd she say? She said not to come home.

But I said I'd had enough. I'm coming home right now.

Want me to drive you?

No, it's too far.

But there's a new train in service, Larry,

but I don't know what time it leaves.

Have you got a dime?

Yeah.

Here you are.

Thanks, Larry.

I have in this hand a certificate

testifying to the birth of a male child

named Stephens, first name Darrin.

Mother, Phyllis, father, Frank.

Would you care to explain?

Yes. Yes, I would.

It's a front to fool the neighbors.

I tried that. It almost worked.

Almost?

I also found this.

"Darrin Stephens.

One capsule after each meal, two before bedtime."

Does the front to fool the neighbors

extend to the bathroom medicine cabinet?

No, of course not.

Then why would a warlock be needing medicine?

Unless, of course, he's not a warlock at all.

Can you tell me when the last train leaves

for Morning Glory Circle?

Thank you.

Twenty minutes.

Larry, can you have me out of here by then?

Don't worry. If we can't, we'll ship you railroad express.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Is he or isn't he?

Father, please...

Just tell me the truth.

Is my son-in-law a warlock or not?

You won't get angry?

I reserve that privilege.

Father, please sit down.

It's true.

Darrin is mortal.

[RUMBLING]

You're not angry, are you?

[RUMBLING INTENSIFIES]

Father, please.

Maurice, control yourself.

Father, your temper.

Stop carrying on!

Stop acting like a child!

Oh, Maurice! You're being ridiculous.

And you! I turn my back, and what happens?

She marries a common, ordinary mortal.

Darrin is neither common nor ordinary.

I am not talking to you.

Times have changed, Maurice.

This happens in the best of families.

It does not happen in my family.

Well, it has.

It's over and done with. I'm married.

And I am going to annul the marriage, Samantha, forever.

[TIRES SCREECH]

[CAR DOOR SHUTS]

Washington, eh?

Father. Mother!

[THUNDER CRASHES]

Very good, Endora.

What have you done with him?

Wouldn't you like to know!

Endora.

Perhaps you frighten Samantha, Maurice,

but you certainly don't frighten me.

Where is he?

You're getting stronger, Endora.

You're getting older, dear.

I'll find him.

Wouldn't you like to bring in the evening paper, dear?

A flower, a bird, a tree...

What do you think, Samantha?

[LAUGHS LIGHTLY]

What's that you have there?

Just the evening paper.

I can't understand it!

A girl of your background, your breeding!

I can't understand it!

Yes, I can. It shows a complete lack of respect!

Please!

Young people are all the same.

No feeling for tradition, no sense of heritage.

It's a disgrace.

Oh!

Are you all right, darling?

Yes, I'm all right.

Excuse me, sweetheart.

Now, look, you!

So far, I've been locked in a phone booth

and turned into a newspaper.

I've been banged on one end,

and I've been burned on the other.

Now, I may be a source of amusement around here,

but I also happened to be married to your daughter.

She loves me and I love her,

and we're gonna stay married

whether you like it or not.

I have to admit, he has courage.

You certainly picked a good one.

I told you, Father.

It's a shame I have to do this.

Father!

Father, how could you?

I did it for your own good, Samantha.

Maurice, you have no right!

You keep out of this, Endora.

Bring him back!

Father, please, bring him back.

Someday you'll thank me for this.

Thank you?

I never want to see you again!

You don't really mean that. You're excited.

Saladam! Belazar! Oblivia!

How dare you speak like that to your father!

Maurice,

I'm not overly fond of that boy either,

but I'm not going to have a human being on my conscience.

Now, you bring him back.

I'm sorry, Endora.

What's done is done.

You bring him back,

or I'll make your life miserable for you,

and you know I can do it.

I'll move in with you!

Father, if you love me, please bring him back.

Does it really mean that much to you?

I love him.

With all my heart, I love him.

Please don't take him away from me.

[SIGHS]

Very well.

I'll try.

What do you mean, try?

I'm sorry, Endora, I gave him a terrible jolt.

Don't waste time. Do something.

Well?

I'm trying!

Please, Father. I know you can do it.

He's doing it! You're doing it!

Where's the rest of him?

[GROANS]

That's it. That's it, Maurice!

You have it in you, I know you have.

Keep it up! Keep it up!

Go to it, Maurice! Go to it.

Oh, look at that technique.

Please try harder, Daddy.

SAMANTHA: He did it!

He did it!

Oh, Darrin.

Very good.

Very good, indeed!

Oh, Da... Is that all of him?

[BREATHLESS] Yes, that's all of him.

Are you all right, Darrin?

Well, here we are,

just one, big, happy family.

Of course, we haven't discussed it much,

but I'm partial to large families.

SAMANTHA: Oh, yes, so am I.

Four or five, at least.

Grandchildren might be a good idea at that.

What do you think, Endora?

There's no need to rush on my account.

Oh, no, of course not. We have plenty of time.

But I was just thinking, there's something I should tell you.

If the first one's a boy...

Now, now, now. None of this silly sentimentality.

You don't have to name the baby after me.

Oh, well, I'm glad you feel that way, Daddy,

because Darrin promised his father

that we'd name the first boy after him.

Oh.

Oh, well, I suppose some people need that.

Well, I must fly.

But before I go, I want to propose a toast.

Chanson du Mer '59!

DARRIN: '59?

For this family?

Nothing doing.

How about '53?

Chanson du Mer '53?

Chanson du Mer '53.

Are you, uh...? Are you sure he's not one of us?

It isn't chilled, though.

He's not one of us.

It's chilled, my boy.

Perfect!

Although I take a dim view of most mortals,

you've made a very favorable impression, Donald.

Darwin!

Darrin!

After a century or two,

I might get to like you

as well as I like this champagne.

Too bad you won't be around that long.

Happiness, darling.

Delightful to see you again, my love.

One and all, auf Wiedersehen.

Bye, Daddy.

Yes, goodbye, Mister...

Uh, Daddy.

Au revoir, Maurice.

He always was very big on exits.

[♪♪♪]