Original subtitles

["HOME, SWEET HOME" PLAYING]

[♪♪♪]

Enough is enough.

It's about time I paid some attention to you.

Oh, don't worry about me. I'm practicing my button sewing.

Getting pretty good too. See?

Oh, that's marvelous.

But the workaday world is over.

Friday night. Time for excitement and romance.

Oh, marvelous. Where are we going?

Going? We're not going anywhere.

Excitement, romance, you said.

That goes with black ties, champagne and dancing,

doesn't it?

We don't have to get that excited.

Oh, I see. No champagne or dancing?

You can wear my black tie if you like.

Oh, thank you, darling.

I love you with all my heart.

But nothing in this world is going to get me

to put my shoes back on, let alone a black tie.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, I just thought we'd sit around here together,

just the two of us, you know.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Oh, grab that, will you, honey?

Oh, sure.

Hello?

Yes, it is.

Yes, he is. Just a minute, please.

Darrin?

It's for you.

Thank you, honey. Hello?

Oh, yes!

Yes!

Well, you are an eager beaver, aren't you?

Tonight would be fine.

Well, I'm looking forward to meeting you too.

Yes, yes, goodbye.

Who was that?

An admirer.

An admirer of what?

Of me.

I'm to be interviewed as the prototype

of the successful young advertising executive.

Oh, really, Darrin?

For newspapers and magazines, television? Something like that?

Something like that.

Which one?

A paper.

Which one?

A local paper.

Which one?

A local school paper.

Oh. Which one?

A local junior college paper

by a local junior college journalism student.

Well, I think that's very nice.

Well, it's a start anyway.

No telling where I'll go from there.

Oh, well, I'm very proud of you.

Was that his mother who called?

No, that was her.

Her?

Sorry, "she."

Oh, well, how did her, um... she pick on you?

She saw my picture in the paper when we moved in.

Oh, yes. That was a wonderful picture.

You looked sort of fearless and sexy, as I recall.

Somehow that photographer caught me, didn't he?

Where are you going?

Put a tie on. It doesn't look nice like this.

Oh, I see.

Sam, will you fix some cold drinks, sandwiches,

things like that?

Why don't you just give me a quarter

and I'll go to the movies?

I can't tell you how much I appreciate

your letting me come over tonight.

You're an important term project I've got.

Well, I'm flattered.

It's really fascinating how much you look like your picture.

Oh, yes.

Somehow that photographer caught m...

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Yes, thank you.

Can we offer you something?

Please don't go to any bother.

Oh, it's no bother. Hmm?

It's no bother. I have sandwiches all ready.

You're very sweet

and I'll try not to keep your husband for too long.

Oh, well, I appreciate that.

You know, I think creative advertising

is among the more fascinating avocations in the world today.

Yes, I suppose it is.

And I never expected

that anyone who was so successful in that field

would be, well, as young as you, Mr. Stephens.

Well, I'm not that young, Miss Randall,

although most men in my position

are a bit older, I guess.

Baloney. Hmm?

And there's some corned beef and liverwurst

and some of that wonderful smelly cheese too.

My husband's simply crazy about that.

No, thank you.

But I would like a little something

to cool me off.

Yes, of course.

One thing I'm dying to know is where you got that idea

for that wonderful Caldwell Soup campaign.

"The only thing that will ever come between us."

It's an inspired slogan.

Well, how did you know that was mine?

I've made quite a study of you, Mr. Stephens.

Well, I am flattered, Miss Randall.

Please call me Liza.

[LAUGHS] Very well, Liza.

And I'll call you Darrin.

That is if Mrs. Stephens doesn't mind.

Oh, no.

Of course not.

He's been called worse than that.

My wife has a great sense of humor.

We practically never stop laughing around here.

[LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY]

[CEASES AWKWARDLY]

I suppose you find it difficult

to accomplish anything at home.

What do you mean by that?

She means business, dear.

Oh, well, I guess we better just stop laughing

so you can get down to some serious work.

You see what I mean?

Actually, I do find the office more conducive, yes.

I thought so.

And as long as we have a date to go down there tomorrow,

I won't have to keep you any longer tonight.

Tomorrow?

Well, when Liza... Um, Miss Randall

called me the other day about the interview,

I suggested she come down to the office

on Saturday when it's quiet

so I can show her around, you see?

Oh, yes, I see.

Liza's never seen a real advertising agency.

Oh, well, I suppose everyone should see one sooner or later.

Is 9:00 all right?

That will be fine.

In the morning?

Well, of course in the morning.

Nice to have met you, Mrs. Stephens.

Oh, wonderful to have met you, Liza.

Wonderful to have met you.

Wonderful to have...

Nice meeting you, Liza.

See you in the morning, Darrin.

Yes, good night, Liza.

Nice little girl, isn't she?

Rather big for a little girl.

What do you mean?

You certainly seem

to bring out the woman in her.

Oh, come on.

All young girls are impressed by an older man.

Well, you certainly are that.

Especially an older man who doesn't look his age.

Vanity, thy name is human.

What's wrong with being human? At least I'm not a...

A what?

Now, Sam...

Sam, now, cut that out!

You're not jealous of a schoolkid, are you?

Not a what?

A teenage freckle-faced schoolkid

in short socks and sneakers...

when I have something like you?

Like what?

A fascinating, bewitching, beguiling...

You convinced me.

I think it's a shame you have to go to the office today.

I won't be long. Why don't you come with us?

No, thank you. I've got a lot of housework to do.

It's almost 9:15.

Where is our little...? Sam.

Typical American schoolkid

with freckles, short socks and sneakers?

That is a very accurate description of Liza Randall.

It's also a very accurate description

of Huckleberry Finn.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, well, now, you finish your breakfast.

I'll get it.

Good morning.

Well, good morning.

Is Darr...? Is Mr. Stephens ready?

Just about.

Why don't you come in, Liza, and make yourself comfortable?

It'll only be a minute.

I'll tell Mr. Ste... Darrin that you're here.

Who is it?

Typical American schoolkid

with freckles, silk stockings

and French heels.

Liza?

Well, it ain't Huckleberry Finn.

Well, honey, why didn't you ask her to come in?

Come on in, Liza.

Good morning, Darrin.

Well, good morning.

Oh, sit down. Make yourself comfortable.

Thank you.

Don't let me rush you.

I'm ready any time you are.

Yes. Um... would you care for some coffee?

No, thank you.

I'll be right with you

as soon as I finish my legs.

Eggs.

LIZA: I don't mind waiting.

After all, your wife's been nice enough to lend you to me

for a whole day.

Yes, of course. Why don't you two get started?

I mean, you want to get home before dark.

Are you sure you won't come with us?

Oh, no. I've got loads to do around here.

You two go ahead and have fun.

All right.

Let's go, Liza.

I'll give him my undivided attention, Mrs. Stephens,

so we won't waste a moment.

See you later, honey. We won't be late.

Yes, well, be very careful.

Hmm?

Driving. Oh, of course.

See you later, Mrs. Stephens.

Oh, yes, Li... Uh, Liza.

[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

Mrs. Stephens?

Yes?

My name is Marvin Grogan.

They call me Monster.

How are you?

I'm fine, thank you. And you?

Oh, I'm fine, thank you.

Mrs. Stephens, I believe that was your husband

who just left here in a car.

That's right.

Well, a woman named Liza Randall

was seated next to him.

I know that too.

Very, very next to him.

Now that you mention it, it did catch my eye.

Mrs. Stephens, I don't know how disturbed you are,

but it might interest you to know

that I'm very disturbed.

I don't think

there's anything to be disturbed about.

You'll pardon me if I disagree with you.

One, Liza Randall is engaged to me.

Two...

we have a standing date every Saturday morning

which she broke to go shopping with her mother,

which we both know she didn't do any such thing.

Three, she's made it very plain

that she's out to get your husband.

Well, I really don't think it's that serious.

Four, this is not the first time

a situation like this has come up.

You see, Liza has what you call a mother complex,

only with fathers.

Five, what Liza Randall wants Liza Randall gets unless...

Unless what?

Unless you can come up with a better suggestion,

I have decided to break your husband in half.

Um, why don't you come inside, Monster?

I think you're right.

There's definitely something to be disturbed about.

Once the preliminary sketches are made,

then we get together with our copywriters and artists,

see if we can't improve upon them.

And of course, we have, um... photographic layout.

Do many women pose for you?

Well, for the photographers, actually.

Your wife is very jealous, isn't she?

No more or less than any woman.

Have you known many women?

Liza, did you come down here to study advertising techniques

or to ask me a lot of personal questions

that are none of your business?

You're a very sensitive man.

Well, you could say that, yes.

Sensitive men are exciting.

They're so...

so...

Sensitive?

Yes.

Yes.

Now, why don't we get into some examples

of overall composition?

All right.

Would you like another stack of pancakes, Monster?

No, thank you, Mrs. Stephens.

Eight or nine stacks are about all I can go.

I ate all your sausage and bacon too.

I've got a lot of hostility, I guess.

Well, I'd rather you attacked my icebox than my husband

anytime.

Are you feeling better?

Pretty good.

Except that when I get emotional,

I burn up an awful lot of sugar.

I get a sweet tooth. Oh.

You got any pie?

Yes. I think so.

What kind of pie do you prefer?

I'm very fond of apple.

Well, it seems I recall a fresh-baked apple pie.

But I'm crazy about banana-cream.

Oh. Well, aren't you lucky?

It isn't apple at all.

But banana-cream is pretty rich

so I try to stick with apple when I'm in training.

Oh, wonderful.

Which I'm not at the moment.

Here.

Half apple and half banana-cream?

A Stephens specialty, Monster.

Enjoy yourself and let your conscience be your guide.

Mmm.

Now, as you can see by this analysis curve,

the public's taste changes with the times.

It isn't enough for an advertising man

to have imagination.

He has to have a sympathetic eye and ear

to what the public wants and what they need.

A product's success depends upon its public acceptance

and that acceptance will depend

upon an image created for that product

by an advertising executive.

Take clothing styles, for instance.

Oh!

A different designer dominates the field each year.

Cheers.

Then the public chooses one above all the others.

Now, of course, what we have...

[COUGHING]

[CHOKES] What's in that drink?

Root beer?

Root beer and what? Scotch.

Scotch?

Well, what's that? Gin.

Gin? Give me that. Oh!

Oh, for heaven's sake.

There's a towel over there. Will you get it for me, please?

All right, yes. You ought to be spanked.

What's the matter with you anyway?

Nothing's the matter with me

and I wish you wouldn't talk to me as if I were 12 years old.

You're absolutely right. I do apologize.

A 12-year-old child would have more sense

than to pull a foolish stunt like that.

You do that.

That's all right. I don't mind.

I'd like to be your father for just about 5 minutes.

Oh, I wouldn't care for that at all.

I like being who I am and I like you the way you are.

Never mind that.

Just put some water on the towel

and soak the gin out of your dress.

You know how zealously we guard our corporate image, Tate.

The keynote of all our advertising is dignity.

Oh, by all means, dignity.

And let me assure you, Mr. Austen,

your campaign is going to be designed

by one of our most talented and dignified account executives.

Well, that's good to hear.

I'm glad we spotted his car downstairs.

You know, he often comes into the office on Saturdays.

He's an extremely dedicated young man.

I'd like to have you meet him.

Be happy to.

Listen to me, young lady.

There's been enough of this nonsense.

Well, we haven't done a thing.

We have done all we're going to.

Oh, look out!

Hi, Larry.

I think we are intruding.

Ah...

I don't think so.

Mr. Johnson,

have you seen Darrin Stephens this morning?

No, I haven't, but when I do,

I'll certainly tell him you were looking for him.

Thank you.

Nice to see you again, Mrs. Johnson.

All right, let's go.

Isn't that cute? He married us.

You have all the material you need

for a truly fascinating thesis.

We are leaving by way of the freight elevator.

Who's gonna break the news to your wife?

Move.

And so you see, Monster,

it's easy to understand why an impressionable girl like Liza

would be momentarily smitten by a man like my husband.

Maturity has its own fascination.

I guess so.

If I were you, I'd just forget all about it.

Oh, I haven't thought about Liza for almost a half an hour.

That's a record for me.

That's wonderful.

Listening to you explain it,

it suddenly comes to me what a child she is,

immature and like that.

Well, she's still very young, Monster.

Yes, she is, and I realize that now.

And like you say, maturity sure is fascinating.

You're beginning to look hungry again.

I think I ought to fix you something to eat.

Mrs. Stephens, I'm not gonna lie to you.

I am getting hungry again.

But I just want you to know that this has been

the most fascinating morning of my life.

I'll tell you the truth, Monster.

It's been a pretty fascinating morning for me too.

I hope you mean that.

[DOOR OPENS]

Monster! Oh, please control yourself!

Please don't do anything rash!

What's that I smell all over you?

Gin.

Monster, this is my husband.

Darrin, this is Marvin Grogan.

They call him Monster.

Gin?

That's right.

That's Scotch if I ever smelled anything.

The Scotch is on me, the gin is on Liza.

How do you do, Monster?

Well, what are you doing

with Scotch all over you and gin all over Liza?

We just started to have a simple drink.

A drink?

No one had a drink,

simple or otherwise.

We merely spilled it on ourselves.

[EXHALES]

There, you see? Perfectly innocent.

Okay. I burned up a lot of sugar on account of you.

I came over here

to bruise you up a little bit, Mr. Stephens.

You have no right to spy on me, Mr. Grogan.

This is a free country and I'm a citizen.

Perfectly free as far as I'm concerned.

May I have my hand back?

Okay. Pleased to meet you.

I've since learned

that there's absolutely no maturity and fascination

between us,

thanks to Samantha here.

Samantha?

Pay no attention to him, Darrin.

What does he mean "Samantha"?

Don't let this big clod bother you, Darrin.

Listen to me, both of you.

I think it's about time

both of you went about your own business.

But, Darrin, my thesis!

If you have questions, just submit them to me in writing.

But, Darrin...

No buts. Good luck.

Thank you. Goodbye, Samantha.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Well, that's quite a conquest

you've made there.

Well, he's really quite a nice young man.

Oh, I suppose under all that sinew and tendon

beats a heart of pure protein.

Oh, Darrin!

"Oh, Darrin," what?

Well, I mean, you're n...?

Oh, Darrin, you're not...? I mean...

I mean what I mean. You say what you've got to say.

You're jealous!

Don't be ridiculous. Me jealous of a...? A...?

Typical American schoolkid

with freckles, short socks and sneakers.

Well, I... um...

I suppose you're pretty proud of yourself, aren't you?

She's a very charming person.

Something about which you don't have the faintest idea

how to be.

What's so unusual about having charm?

It comes with age, like wrinkles.

You're jealous!

Me? Jealous? You've got to be kidding.

Sure!

Liza Randall, the most irresistible thing to come along

since Brigitte Bardot.

You're jealous. Ha-ha!

Don't you laugh at me, you monster or so help me...

I want you to know

I'm really very flattered by this whole thing.

You should be.

Liza happens to be an extremely pretty girl.

I was talking about Monster. We had quite a morning.

He was here all morning?

Oh, yes. He arrived just after you left.

He wanted to break you in half.

Only my charm and three square meals kept you in one piece.

I want you to know

I put up quiet a valiant fight myself today.

Oh, really?

It was touch-and-go there for a moment.

Touch what and go where?

Are you trying to tell me

that it wasn't you who lured him down to his office?

It was him that lured you?

Mm-hm, Monster, it was his idea, I swear.

Liza, if you're lying...

If my term project wasn't so important,

I'd have gone shopping with my mother.

That does it.

Oh, Monster!

I don't mind telling you

that child got a bit aggressive at the office.

Child?

That's as fully developed a woman I've seen in many a day.

You said yourself she was a typical...

It just doesn't matter what I said.

You must have given her some encouragement.

I did nothing of the kind.

I was explaining to her

the rise and fall of a public acceptance survey chart.

She tried to get me drunk.

Do you really expect me to believe that?

Of course I do, as much as you expect me to believe

you were protecting me from Marvin Musclebound all morning.

Well, I was.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

That big clod wouldn't hurt a flea.

What did you say?

I said he wouldn't hurt a flea.

You said I was ridiculous.

Who said you were ridiculous? Me?

Yes, that's what you said.

Oh, let's not fight about it.

Well, that's exactly what you're doing.

I'm not fighting. This is no fight.

You're fighting. It takes two to make a fight.

You started it. That's one.

And you started it with me. That's two.

Don't be ridiculous.

All I said was that big clod wouldn't hurt a flea.

[BANGING AT DOOR]

Monster, please don't lose your temper.

I'm not going to lose my temper.

I'm merely going to teach him

that when a man has a wonderful wife like Samantha,

he shouldn't go after a girl like Liza

who's got a boyfriend like me.

Now, listen to me...

Oh, now, Darrin. Don't fight with him.

I've had enough of this silly farce.

What is it you intend to do?

I intend

to close your jaw.

You and who else?

Darrin, no.

[CLANG]

Arggh!

Well, have you had enough?

Why don't you try one there?

[CLANG]

Oh, my hands!

Oh, let me see, Monster!

[MONSTER GROANS]

You've ruined his hands.

He may never make another pass.

Oh, I don't think that'll stop him.

I think she means football, dear.

Oh, you... you...

You monster!

Let's get out of here, Liza.

I've got to go soak my hands.

Come on, Marvin.

Hey, that's the first time you've ever called me Marvin.

Why did you let that little girl hit me?

Well, sweetheart, all things considered,

it was the least I could do.

You're still angry, aren't you?

Why would you say that?

[CLANG, CLANG, CLANG]

All right.

You're surrounded.

Throw down your magic and come out with your hands up.

[♪♪♪]