Original subtitles

NARRATOR: Among the more soul-satisfying suburban activities

is that collaboration with nature

that brings fragrance and beauty to the home:

horticulture.

Husbands are appreciative of their wives' efforts

as they leave for their offices, secure in the knowledge

that their mates are at home digging,

rather than in town shopping.

In time, patience, fortitude and loving care are rewarded

by fragrant blooms... sturdy and bursting with color.

Providing, of course,

you have the proper soil and a green thumb,

or unless you happen to be a witch.

[♪♪♪]

ENDORA: To think I'd ever live

to see the day a daughter of mine

would be down on her knees in the dirt,

digging for onions!

I'm not digging for onions.

I'm planting gladiolus.

You're making a fool of yourself.

That's what you're doing.

Oh, now, Mother, don't be so stuffy.

Everybody plants flowers around their homes.

It's part of the scheme of things.

Anyway, it's fun planting seeds

and watching flowers grow in a natural way.

Yes, I saw an exhibition

of that natural growth this morning,

when whosis left

for wherever it is he goes in the morning.

Well, I just didn't want to look a failure

first time at-bat.

First time at what?

"Bat," Mother. It's an expression.

Yes, I know what a bat is.

Those ugly flying things

that people think we're always cooking.

Not that kind of bat, Mother.

A baseball bat.

I'm afraid you've lost me.

It's a game that people play.

Haven't you ever seen it?

Oh, don't be absurd, Samantha.

Well, it's very exciting.

They play it with a ball and a big stick called a bat.

One man throws it

to the man holding the bat, who tries to hit it.

Then everybody chases the ball.

And the man who hits it

runs around in a circle

on a field called a diamond, before anyone else can tag him.

You're not serious. Oh, yes!

Darrin took me once.

I don't believe it.

And the one who runs around the most, wins the series.

Series of what?

Nothing. Just a series.

It's typical. Typical.

That's a human being for you.

Spend most of their lives running around in circles

for a series of nothing.

Would you like some coffee?

Love some.

I'll wash out the cups and saucers.

Why?

Well, 'cause we only have two.

We haven't bought any dishes or silver or linen yet.

What sort of coffee do you have?

Fresh, in the percolator. I made it myself.

No, thank you.

I think I'll have a cup of Turkish kawah this morning.

Mmm! It's delicious.

Have some?

No, thank you.

And I wish you wouldn't do that. Do what?

Well, you know perfectly well what I'm talking about.

This is a normal household,

and I'm trying to avoid witchcraft

wherever and whenever possible.

That's ridiculous, Samantha.

You are what you are,

and there's nothing you can do to change that.

I'm not trying to change.

I'm merely trying to adjust.

He's trying to make you over.

He's doing no such thing.

Samantha, one of these days you'll see that I'm right.

I detest sounding like one of those mothers

who thinks they know it all.

But unfortunately...

I do.

Get away from the window, Gladys.

That house, Abner.

There's something funny going on with that house.

Nothing funny.

[TAPS GOLF BALL]

It's an ordinary house.

If one minute you saw trees growing,

and the next minute you saw nothing,

wouldn't you think something funny was going on?

If you heard lightning and whooshing noises

all the time, as if things were flying around,

wouldn't you think a minute before being so cocksure

that everything was as normal as blueberry pie, Abner?

Move, Gladys.

You're not listening.

I'm listening.

You're not interested.

I'm interested. Keep talking.

Just move a little. Aw...

"Place cloves approximately 2 inches apart.

Sprinkle generously with brown sugar.

Then add ginger ale..." Mother, Mother, Mother!

Hold it! I have to get the cloves in first.

Of course. I'd forgotten.

You do everything the hard way now.

It isn't hard. It's fun.

Anyway, that oven practically does it for you.

All you have to do is set the dials

for whatever time you want dinner...

Uhh. I forgot to ask Darrin

what time he'd be home.

Well, I guess I'd better go to the village and call him.

What's the matter with your telephone?

Hasn't been connected yet.

Is that all?

There you are. You can call now.

Well, just remember.

You did it, I didn't.

Oh, hi, honey.

Well, I should be through here about 6:30

and home about 8.

Hey, I see you got the phone connected, huh?

No. No, they won't be here until later this afternoon.

Bye, darling.

Bye, darlin'.

Move a little, would you mind, Gladys?

Do you have any idea

how nervous I am about going over there today?

If you're nervous, don't go.

Well, I've got to.

I mean, we're part of the Welcome Wagon.

Shirley Clyde and June Foster and me.

We're the committee.

And you know how they're dying

to get in there and see the house.

Move left a little. I can't see the glass.

It wouldn't surprise me

if none of us were ever seen again.

What did you say?

Oh, never mind.

Your shadow's on top of the ball, Gladys.

So help me, I wish you'd cut this nonsense

and develop a hobby.

[TAP]

[GLASS SHATTERS]

About 20 minutes per pound.

Twenty-five would be better.

Why, Mother,

I thought you didn't fool

with mortal things like cooking.

What I said was

I didn't believe in exerting myself.

I didn't say I didn't know how.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, I'll get it.

Some of the girls coming to call.

Oh, really?

Snooping, no doubt.

I'm sure you won't mind

if I make myself scarce for a bit.

Coward.

Discretion is the better part of valor.

[CHUCKLES]

How do you do?

How do you do?

I'm June Foster.

This is Shirley Clyde and Gladys Kravitz.

We're the Welcome Wagon Committee.

Welcome to Morning Glory Circle.

Well, thank you very much.

Won't you come in?

You sure you're not busy with someone,

um, maybe your mother, maybe your sister?

No, not a soul here but me.

No one?

No.

Oh. Uh, that's my boy, Robert.

Robert, now, you behave yourself.

Oh, he's a nice-looking young fellow.

Gracious.

That's Shirley's son.

I see.

Three.

We don't know who he is.

Oh. He's cute.

We brought you this cake

as sort of a housewarming gift.

Oh! It's coffeecake.

Why, thank you!

Thank you very much.

Do you have a maid

with a large, curly head around?

Sorry. No maid.

[ALL CHATTERING]

Now, children... if you aren't quiet,

you can't stay in here!

No roughhousing, Stephen.

You shouldn't touch things that don't belong to you.

Put that back wherever you found it.

That's perfectly all right.

Uh, w-why don't you sit down in the living room

and make yourselves comfortable

while I put the cake in the kitchen?

SHIRLEY: Oh, why don't we all go into the kitchen?

We wouldn't mind at all.

Of course not.

After all, we're really not company,

and, well, your nice things

will probably have to last you

for a long, long time.

Boys, all right, get out.

Now, don't get into mischief!

Oh, that's love-ly... Oh!

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Would you like some cake and coffee?

Oh, we'd love some. Where are the cups?

Cups?

Oh, not your good cups, of course.

Right over there in the cupboard.

Oh!

That's bone china.

We haven't unpacked the good stuff yet.

I-I can't seem to find the silverware.

Silver?

Well, it's right there in the drawer to your left.

Oh, I thought I looked there.

Well, look again.

Napkins, ladies?

Hi, there, lady.

How do you do?

I'm Black Bob, the fastest gun in the West.

I'm an Indian. He's a horse.

Who are you?

I'm a witch.

Okay.

You a good witch or a bad witch?

Comme ci, comme ça.

Here come the bad guys!

Little boy!

[SHOUTING, FIRING GUN]

Little boy, here, now.

Ugh!

[IMITATING GUNFIRE]

Of course, we don't want a freeway

coming through this area.

No. Then on Monday,

you're going with us to picket the construction gangs.

I will?

Do you have a gardener that works in pajamas?

We're forming teams of two girls each.

Shirley and I are leading picketing teams,

and Gladys will stand by

in case someone has to sit down in front of the cement mixer.

Me? Why me?

We voted.

Nobody told me.

It was a secret ballot.

Then, of course, you'll help us with the refreshments, and...

The boys are awfully quiet.

Yes, isn't that nice?

Boys are always dangerous when they're quiet.

Let's check into this.

Yes. Yes, of course.

Nobody asks me.

They just say, "Gladys, go sit down

in front a cement mixer."

What are you boys up to?

There was a witch in here,

and she tied us up. Yeah!

SHIRLEY: Oh, that'll be enough of that.

I think we'd better take them home.

They're getting pretty tired.

Oh, I understand.

How did three of 'em get tied up?

Oh, I'm so sorry.

For goodness sakes, what is this?

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

Shirley. How do you suppose all three of 'em got tied up?

Boys will be boys.

Yeah, but if two are tied up, who ties up the third?

Stephen, stop pushing! He's smaller than you are!

Shirley, if you had two kids,

and they were both tied up... Just a minute, Gladys.

Don't run into the street!

What is it?

Oh, not so loud, Shirley.

What's the matter with you?

Now, don't yell.

I'm just asking you a simple question.

SAMANTHA: Mrs. Clyde,

the boys are in the street.

Oh, uh, of course.

Those boys. I really don't know what...

Stephen, I told you not to run!

If he gets perspired, he gets the flu.

I'd better take him home.

Please come back again another time.

Abner, you won't believe it

when I tell you what just happened.

It's Gladys!

You don't think this is a crazy house?

Well, listen to this.

Three kids just got tied up in the bedroom.

Do you hear me? Three.

So what? I'll tell you so what.

How did all three of them get tied up, Abner?

Tell me that.

Oh, you don't understand.

Two kids are tied up in the bedroom, and one kid isn't tied up.

That's normal.

But not three kids tied up.

Never mind, Abner. Never mind!

I should know better than to talk to you.

Never mind!

[KNOCKING]

Mrs. Stephens?

Oh, no, Mrs. Stephens is in the living room.

Oh. Well, I'm here to connect the telephones.

Well, go right ahead.

It was very nice meeting you, Mrs. Foster.

Thank you, Mrs. Stephens.

Maybe next week I'll take you to our decorator.

He can do wonders for you.

Thank you. That's very kind.

Robert!

Thanks for everything, Mrs. Stephens.

I had a wonderful time.

Oh, please come back again soon.

Oh, sure, sure.

By the way, I let in the phone repairman

to hook up your telephones.

Thank you.

To hook up your telephones?!

The phone was not connected.

May I never get off this couch again

if the phone was connected!

Gladys, don't get excited.

You'll melt the cubes too fast.

You think I'm cuckoo, don't ya?

Gladys, you called me about two kids

who were tied up in a bedroom.

Three kids! Three kids were tied up.

Don't yell, Gladys.

If two kids were tied up,

I wouldn't have had to call you.

Don't you understand?

Sure, Gladys.

Then you believe me that when I called you,

the phone was not connected?

You want me to call the doctor, Gladys?

No, it wouldn't do any good. Why not?

Because he doesn't believe me either.

I told you, Samantha,

that you wouldn't like being part of the animal world.

They're not animals, Mother. They're human beings.

Yes, of course.

Granted, the most intelligent of animals.

And as Diogenes said, also the silliest.

Or was it Diogenes?

Hmm? Oh, well,

It was one of those young, good-looking Greeks

who talked an awful lot.

Mother, you must believe that Darrin isn't like that.

Like what?

The average human.

He's not covetous or envious or inconsiderate.

Are you trying to convince me or yourself?

I think it's time the two of you met face to face.

Oh, really?

Would you care to have dinner with us tonight?

Well, I don't know.

Still... it might be fun at that.

You wouldn't do anything startling, would you?

Why?

Does what's-his-name have a weak heart?

His name is Darrin, Mother. D-A-R-R-I-N.

And he's in perfectly good health,

and I want him to like my mother.

What sort of mother do you think he'd prefer?

Lavender and old lace?

Pioneer stock, perhaps.

Old world?

New world?

[ENGINE RUMBLES]

What would you prefer?

Very funny, very funny. But I'd prefer you on time.

[TIMER DINGS]

Oh, my ham.

Now, Mother, please say you'll come.

Well, I suppose I might as well get it over with.

Yes. I'll come.

And I prefer the natural you. And so will Darrin.

[CHUCKLES]

I wonder.

You are very pretty.

That's not quite the right expression.

You are very pretty. I'm very handsome.

What time did your mother say she'd be here?

Oh, almost anytime now.

Can I make you a drink?

Definitely.

You know, having a plain, ordinary mother-in-law

is a new experience to me.

But having a mother-in-law who's a...

I mean, uh... Do you, uh, resemble her?

No. I look like my father.

Ah.

Oh, what does your mother look like?

Well, she's 5'6" and weighs about 118 pounds.

Well, sounds normal.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, um...

It looks...

It sounds like she looks normal.

What do you expect my mother to look like?

How would I know?

Well, you know what I look like.

Well, that's no proof!

Proof of what?

Proof that she doesn't have...

Well, a...

Well, what sort of eyes does she have?

They're blue.

All five of them.

You're kidding.

Why is it that human beings

care more about what people look like than what they are?

It's not that at all, Sam.

Well, then what difference does it make

what my mother looks like?

I'm merely trying to prepare myself.

For what? I don't know if I like the idea

of having a mother-in-law with five blue eyes.

Oh, don't be idiotic.

Oh, idiotic, am I?

Well, let me tell you something, Sam...

[DOORBELL RINGS]

She's here.

Well, at least she didn't fly down the chimney.

Well, if you're going to be insulting...

I'm sorry, Sam. I...

I didn't mean to say that. It's just that...

[SIGHS]

Well, I'm nervous.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Will you answer the door, or shall I?

I'll answer it.

Ask her to leave her broom outside.

[♪♪♪]

Good evening.

Good evening.

Won't you come in?

Samantha.

This must be what's-his-name.

Mother, this is my husband. This is...

Darrin.

Oh, we were just having a drink. Would you care for a cocktail?

Thank you, Mr. Stephens.

Well, I'd like it much better

if you would call me by my first name.

Oh, very well, Dennis.

Darrin, Mother.

Oh! Oh, of course.

I'd like a very dry martini.

Italian vermouth, Spanish gin and a Greek olive.

Well, I don't think we have any of...

Oh, don't bother. I'll fix it myself.

It's marvelous. Marvelous.

Now, young man,

suppose you tell me all about yourself.

What you do and why do you do it,

et, cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Well, I'm in the advertising business.

I'm with a firm called McMann & Tate.

Really? Isn't that interesting.

Oh, pardon me. Do you have a cigarette?

Oh, yes, of course.

Thank you. You were saying?

Our firm handles some rather large accounts.

Thank you. I have a light.

Mother, Darrin's firm is one of the largest

advertising agencies in the world,

and Darrin's one of its top executives.

That sounds very exciting.

Samantha, may I have that ashtray, please?

Oh, yes, certainly.

And Darrin is responsible

for all of the creative designs for their campaigns.

What on earth did you do that for?

Do what?

You carried that ashtray to me.

Don't tell me you've forgotten how to levitate.

Well, of course I haven't forgotten, Mother.

It's just that Darrin prefers

that I don't do any of that stuff anymore.

Why do you object to my daughter being herself, young man?

Well, I don't object, Mrs...

You'll never be able to pronounce it.

Just call me Endora.

I like Samantha the way she is, Endora.

She doesn't need any of that other nonsense.

Nonsense?

Darrin doesn't mean anything.

Darrin, please.

I mean, we don't need those powers of hers.

We can handle things very well by ourselves.

Oh, you think so, do you?

Oh, I don't mean to be disrespectful,

but we wanna live normal lives.

What is normal to you, young man,

is to us asinine.

Samantha is what she is, and that you cannot change.

Mother, I made the decision myself.

Yes, I know.

A decision I do not approve.

Samantha and I can handle our problems by ourselves.

They're nobody else's business.

Darrin, please!

Are you threatening me?

Not exactly.

Darrin, please understand.

Mother means well.

Don't you worry, my poor baby.

Your mother will see to it that you're treated properly.

I have every intention of treating her properly

without any help or interference from you.

Young man!

Mother, don't!

Very well.

Just consider yourself lucky

that you are not at this moment

an artichoke.

So from now on, watch your step, young man.

Mother is watching you.

She's really very nice when you get to know her.

Abner!

Gladys, what are you doing?

She went away in a puff of smoke.

I saw her!

One minute she was there.

Bang! The next minute, she was gone.

What's the matter with you?

All of a sudden, I'm married to a Peeping Tom!

Spying on people,

sticking your nose in everybody's business.

Go back to bed.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself!

Go ahead. Say anything you want.

Insult me. Call me cuckoo.

Kill me. I don't mind.

And you know why, sweetheart?

Because I know this is all a dream.

[CHUCKLES]

DARRIN: Oh, sure, sure.

I suppose I look like some sort of a freak to you

because I wanna live what is to me

a perfectly normal existence.

Darrin, I didn't say that.

I understand how you feel.

Whatever it is you want, that's what I want too.

Are you absolutely sure, Sam?

Yes.

What about your mother?

Well, she'll get used to the idea.

Anyway, you married me, not my mother.

Say, could she... I mean, really...

Turn me into an artichoke?

If she wanted to.

Oh, that's creepy.

What could you do?

I mean, if she did?

Nothing, except...

Except what?

I could become an artichoke too.

[♪♪♪]