Original subtitles

NARRATOR: Here you see the average, normal, suburban housewife

in one of her daily routine tasks:

Preparing breakfast for her husband.

With a modern kitchen and all conveniences at her disposal,

the capable housewife moves efficiently through her tasks.

Of course, sometimes there are problems.

[DOOR OPENS]

Especially if your husband

expects breakfast ready before he goes to work.

But that's no problem

for the average, normal, suburban housewife...

if she happens to be...

a witch.

Hi, honey.

Now, doesn't that look good!

[♪♪♪]

What a ridiculous waste of time and energy!

I prefer to think of it

as doing something that will please my husband.

Well, you needn't develop biceps doing it.

If you want to decorate a cake,

you merely put a small ring of rosebuds there

with vines and leaves...

a gazebo in the center...

surrounded by Grecian columns,

there, there, there.

So there.

Oh, that's lovely.

Just because you married a human, Samantha,

that's no reason to overdo this grubby little housewife role.

Well, you call it whatever you like.

I promised Darrin no witchcraft,

and no witchcraft is what he's going to get.

Oh, very well.

Thank you. Don't thank me.

As a mother, I've apparently failed you completely.

On the contrary, you've done a wonderful job.

Got myself a great husband, didn't I?

[LAUGHS]

When I think what you could have had, I get positively ill.

Darrin is a marvelous human being.

That's a terrible thing to say about anyone.

How can you be so prejudiced, Mother?

You haven't met him. Hardly know what he looks like.

Oh, they all look alike to me.

Noses to the grindstone, shoulders to the wheel,

feet planted firmly on the ground.

No wonder they can't fly.

Darrin's not like that.

Don't contradict your mother, Samantha. Of course he is.

Look what he's done to you already.

You've changed, Samantha. You really have.

And soon I won't be able to pick you out in the crowd.

Oh, sure you will.

I'll be the one with strawberry frosting in my hair.

How's that?

Oh, it's revolting.

But I'm sure what's-his-name

will make a pig of himself over it.

His name is Darrin, Mother.

You don't fool me one bit.

You're dying to meet him, and he wants to meet you.

Samantha?

Honey, I'm home.

Oh, there he is.

You better go.

Why? I want to study him up close.

Not now.

Don't worry, Samantha. He won't see me.

Witch's honor.

And you know me to be a witch of my word.

Good.

DARRIN: Samantha?

I'll be right there, darling.

Hi, darling.

Hello, honey.

What's the matter? Matter?

No kiss?

Oh, sorry, darling.

Is that him?

Sam, are you all right?

Me? Of course. Why?

I've had more passionate kisses from my father.

What are you looking...?

How's that?

It's an improvement.

How about a drink? Great idea.

There's something I want to talk to you about. Very important.

What is it?

I drove out of the city today... Cheers.

I drove out of the city...

What are you looking at?

Nothing.

Nothing?

What's the matter with you?

Hmm?

Is something wrong?

There's absolutely nothing wrong.

You sure?

I love you the way you are.

I love everything about you.

That's the way I like to hear you talk.

Why don't you come on over here?

Mmm. That's a wonderful perfume you're wearing.

Oh, that. Well, I've had it on all day.

I think I'll go put on some fresh.

What is the matter with you?

What do you mean, dear?

You were friendlier on our first date.

Samantha!

I was not!

Sam, are you angry about something?

Why, no, of course not.

It's just I think some things should be kept to ourselves.

You were talking about

driving out of the city.

Yes, well, I drove out to a new development that...

Some things should be kept to ourselves? Who's here?

What do you mean?

Just what I said.

Who's here in this room with us? Is somebody watching us?

Well, now, darling, isn't that silly?

You don't see anyone, do you?

What has that got to do with it?

Well, I mean, who could be here?

Well, nobody that I know,

but I don't know about the people you know.

The people I know you can see,

but I'm not too sure about the people you know.

I promise, darling,

there's no one here but just the two of us.

Yeah?

Prove it.

That better?

Well, if you're lying, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

I love your hair.

Always feels so soft,

smells so good.

Tastes good too. What is that?

Strawberry frosting. It was going to be a surprise.

It is a surprise.

I always thought you had plain, ordinary hair.

Do you like it?

I love your hair.

I mean the frosting. I baked you a cake.

Really?

That's the surprise.

One surprise deserves another.

I drove out of the city today...

You said that.

To see a house!

Now, not a rented house with someone else's furniture

and someone else's carpets and drapes, but our own house.

Something we can own from the top to the bottom,

from one end to the other!

Our house! Now, what do you think of that?

Well, I-I think...

Before you say anything, take a look at this.

It's laid out beautifully.

Big rooms full of sunshine.

It looks very nice.

It's the kind of house

we wouldn't have been able to afford for a long time.

Even with the buy we're getting,

we're going to have to tighten our belts,

if you know what I mean.

I think so.

Shoulder to the wheel, in a manner of speaking.

Nose to the grindstone.

Nose to the grindstone?

Right.

It's really just a matter of keeping our feet

planted firmly on the ground.

How does it sound to you?

Hmm?

Don't you like the idea, honey?

Of course I like the idea. It sounds wonderful.

For a minute there, I...

Anything that makes you happy makes me happy.

Okay. I'm about to make you the happiest woman in the world.

Get me dinner.

[LAUGHING]

Was that you laughing?

Oh, yes.

[LAUGHS]

That was a very cute joke you made about getting your dinner.

[LAUGHS]

I'll meet you at the house at 3:00.

Okay.

Remember what I told you. It's up to you.

If you don't like it, we forget the whole thing.

I know I'll love it.

You sure you had enough breakfast?

Oh, plenty.

You wouldn't have preferred eggs or something like that?

No, sweetheart, the cake was just fine.

I'll see you at 3.

Bye-bye, baby. Bye.

I think we're very lucky.

All young married people dream of owning their own home.

It's fine for them, Samantha, but not for us.

We're quicksilver. A fleeting shadow, a distant sound.

Our home has no boundaries beyond which we cannot pass.

We live in music, in a flash of color.

We live on the wind and the sparkle of a star.

And you want to trade it all

for a quarter of an acre of crabgrass.

Well, now, Mother, if Darrin's this excited about it,

there must be something to it.

Now, I'm going to take a look at that house.

The least you can do is keep an open mind and go with me.

You mean you're interested in my opinion?

You said you wanted me to be happy.

Well, all right. I'll look at it with you.

But I won't like it.

It'll only take me a second to change, then we can go.

I'm ready whenever you are.

Mother! You are kidding.

What's-his-name got cake crumbs all over the floor.

Is this it?

1164 Morning Glory Circle. Isn't it nice?

It's filthy.

Well, now, Mother, all it needs is a little landscaping.

Sow's ears are not made into silk purses

by the mere addition of a few dandelions, Samantha.

Don't waste your time. It's not for you.

Oh, now, Mother. Just use your imagination.

I could do wonderful things with a place like this.

Oh, it's impossible! You're a witch, Samantha, not a magician.

There are two of them, Abner. Both women, one older.

Maybe a sister, maybe a mother.

Come take a look, Abner.

Leave me alone. I'm retired.

You're just being stubborn.

Picture it with a lovely lawn around it

and some flowers, and trees and a hedge.

[CHUCKLING]

A lawn, you said?

Isn't it lovely and green?

A hedge.

That's an English box hedge.

Sweet. Yes. And flowers.

There. Aren't they colorful?

Oh, and the little window boxes.

Yes. What else did you say? Trees?

There. Voilà. What do you have?

Lawn, hedge, flowers, trees,

all surrounding a sow's ear.

No wonder, the way you have things thrown around.

What do you mean by that?

For instance, I don't think we need the hedge.

Two trees is one too many.

Keep the big one, but over there.

Oh, my, isn't that lovely?

Oh, there's something missing.

I know.

Awnings.

That's marvelous, Samantha.

That's marvelous. I couldn't have done better myself.

Abner.

I've got three more words. Will you wait?

I'm trying to get you interested in civic affairs

and you need words.

What do I care about words?

Ooh. Abner!

What?

Abner, come here!

Gladys, I work like a dog for 32 years.

Abner, the house across the street has got a lawn

and, Abner, there are trees and flowers.

What do you want from me?

Well, that's the way it'll look someday.

What's the matter with you, Samantha?

At least the place looked somewhat livable.

Oh, no. We're going to do it the right way.

From seeds.

Seeds?

That lot was plain, ordinary dirt.

Now it's a jungle with plants and flowers.

Come take a look, Abner.

Gladys, don't pull! Take a spoonful of your medicine.

I don't need my medicine.

I say you do and I never lie to you, Gladys.

Come look, Abner!

If there's no trees, you'll take a spoonful?

I promise. Go get it.

You're on.

Well, the living room's beautiful!

Darrin was right.

Oh, it's a little cramped, but passable.

I'm going to go look at the kitchen.

Well, if you must.

Oh.

Abner!

Well?

Huh?

It's a wonderful kitchen, full of dozens of gadgets.

It's going to be fun cooking in there.

Oh, say, I like that chair.

Oh, thank you. Have one.

Oh, wonderfully comfortable! Splendid job, Mother.

I've taken a fling at decorating in my time.

I thought you didn't go in for earthy things.

Nothing more than a creative challenge, really.

What sort of table do you think would go well with these chairs?

Something low and heavy, do you think?

I don't know.

Something along those lines, I would imagine.

Oh, that's beautiful!

Yes.

And how about a sofa over there?

Something comfortable and overstuffed.

Like... that.

Yes, it's very nice.

Oh, and of course a coffee table.

Goes quite well.

And over the fireplace, a painting.

Something colorful and full of life.

It's very pretty.

And in the dining room...

A little bit too severe.

You really think so?

Mm-hm.

Well... maybe you're right.

How about that?

That's much better. That's much better.

And... drapery!

Very nice.

And a buffet.

Oh, Mother, isn't it lovely?

Oh, you have something there, I must say.

Let's go upstairs and look at the bedrooms.

Why go up there?

Why don't we just send for them?

Oh, my poor feet.

Ah, that's better.

Don't try and stop me, Abner. I'm going over there.

There's something going on

and I'm going to find out what it is.

What's a five-letter word for the ultimate happiness,

peace and tranquility?

[DOOR CLOSES]

"Death."

Well, Mother, what do you think of it now?

Well, it's attractive... for what it is.

And if Dennis is adamant about...

Darrin, Mother.

Whatever his name is.

If he must buy a house, at least this is distinctively furnished.

You won't have to change a thing.

Oh, all of this goes.

You're not serious!

Well, of course I'm serious.

Now that I know what I want,

we're going to furnish the house like ordinary people do,

on time.

Well, come on, Mother, let's go look at the patio.

Well, I've seen about all I care to.

How about you?

Not me.

I'm going to wait for Darrin and do it all over again.

You don't mind if I fly along?

I'm awfully glad you came with me.

I would have been very unhappy if you hadn't.

Well, I wouldn't be much of a mother

if I deserted my daughter in her hour of need.

I wish you'd try to believe

that I have never been happier than I am right now.

The honeymoon isn't quite over, Samantha.

It'll be a while before you can be held responsible

for the things you say.

Well, I'll always feel the same, if I live a thousand years.

You could change your mind many times in a thousand years.

I did.

Well, I won't. You'll see.

[CAR HORN BEEPING]

Oh, now, that must be Darrin.

Now, don't go if you absolutely don't have to.

Maybe the two of you should meet right here and now.

Here? Now? In my carpet slippers?

You must be kidding!

Hi, honey.

What do you think? I love it.

You mean it? You're not saying that just to please me?

No, no, I love it.

It's a marvelous house and Mother loves it too.

Mother?

She's here.

In there?

You want to meet her?

Well, yes, of course!

Of course I want to meet her.

Abner, I love you. Why would I lie to you?

Take another spoonful, Gladys, you'll feel better.

Come on, now, open.

I won't open. I want you to listen to me.

We've watched that house across the street

ever since it was built.

You have watched that house.

I got better things to do.

I tell you, Abner, that house has always been empty,

then bango!

Okay, bango. Take the medicine.

It's full of furniture. Just like that! Full!

Open.

No more. It's making me nauseous.

Better nauseous than crazy, Gladys. Open.

I'm not crazy, Abner. It was full of furniture.

Beautiful stuff. Then bango!

Bango. Open.

It was gone.

Maybe it was repossessed. Open.

I'm going back there.

I'm scared, but I'm going back there.

I'm marching up and I'm going to knock,

and I'm going inside

and find out what's going on in there.

Oh, she must have gone.

We didn't see her leave.

No, that's true.

We talked about furniture.

Now, something kind of wonderful and comfortable,

but nothing too cold or modern.

You're right, I don't see her anywhere.

Who?

Your mother.

She can be seen, can't she?

Well, of course.

And she had some wonderful ideas about the dining room.

High cane-back chairs with velvet seats.

Well, if you don't like velvet seats...

I'm crazy about velvet seats.

As a matter of fact,

I'm crazy about practically everything you like.

You really mean that?

Every word of it.

If you see a piece of furniture you like,

you buy it and put it in.

I'll love every stick of it.

I don't want anything we haven't picked out together.

After all, we're both gonna live here, you know.

That's the sort of arrangement I had in mind.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Here she is.

Who?

Your mother. We must have locked her outside.

Well, I'll let her in.

Uh, no. I'll answer the door.

Now, Darrin, Mother may seem a bit different at first.

That's all right. I'm perfectly at ease.

I just want her to know I'd like us to be friends

and she'll always be welcome in our home.

Hello.

Welcome, Mother!

[SCREAMING]

Mother?

That's that. Mm-hm.

Oh, incidentally, that poor woman you kissed

and scared half to death was Gladys Kravitz.

She and her husband Abner live across the street.

Well, as soon as we get settled, I'll go over and apologize.

Anyway, I suppose it's better than getting

a neighborhood reputation of being standoffish.

Oh, really?

There he is, Abner!

That's the one who kissed me.

It don't make any sense, Gladys.

He's got her. Why would he want to kiss you?

I love you, Mrs. Stephens.

And I love you. Please believe that.

Believe me, it'll never work.

[♪♪♪]