Original subtitles

NARRATOR: Once upon a time,

there was a typical American girl...

who happened to bump into

a typical red-blooded American boy.

And she bumped into him...

and bumped into him.

So they decided they'd better sit down and talk this over

before they had an accident.

They became good friends.

They found they had a lot of interests in common.

Radio...

television...

trains.

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

And when the boy found the girl

attractive, desirable, irresistible,

he did what any red-blooded American boy would do.

He asked her to marry him.

They had a typical wedding,

went on a typical honeymoon

in a typical bridal suite.

Except...

it so happens that this girl is a witch.

[♪♪♪]

Every young girl needs love and romance.

There's one thing she doesn't need.

Mother!

What are you doing here?

What am I doing here? What are you doing here?

I'm married.

I know. Let you out of my sight for one moment...

Hold onto me and we'll be home before you can say...

I don't want to go.

I was afraid of that.

He has you under a spell, eh?

Oh, these male witches are the worst kind!

He's not a witch.

What?

He happens to be, if you'll excuse the expression,

a normal, mortal human being.

Oh, well, that's easy!

I'll just have him trip over a rug and break an arm!

Mother, you will leave him alone!

He's a dear, sweet, wonderful, perfectly marvelous man.

Oh, my poor baby.

He sounds simply horrible.

Oh, but don't worry, Samantha.

I'll get you out of here.

I'm not going!

Really?

How would you like to spend your wedding night with a bullfrog?

Don't you understand? I'm happy with him.

Don't talk to your mother like that.

I'll tell you when you're happy.

Uh-oh. He's coming in.

I'll take care of that.

Easy now!

Oh, I'm not going to hurt him.

Must be the champagne.

May I have my key, please?

Mother, you've got to get out of here!

Even witchcraft can't keep him out there all night.

It's our honeymoon!

I don't know where you get it.

Must be from your father.

Certainly not from my side of the family.

Mother, he's coming in, and you're going out.

Oh, no, I'm not!

Oh, yes, you are!

One Re, Or Re, Ickery Ann

Phillison, Follison Nicholas John

You are kidding?

I've never been more serious in my life!

One Re, Or Re, Ickery Ann

Phillison, Follison Nicholas John

Queevy quavy English navy Stickum, stackum Buck

B-U-C-K spells "buck"

and out goes you!

You naughty, naughty little witch.

Please?

No!

You're still very young and inexperienced.

You don't know what prejudice you'll run into.

They all think that witches work

only one day a year, on Halloween,

we all wear those big, ugly hats and fly around on brooms.

What if he finds out you're a witch?

I'm going to tell him.

You're going to tell him?

I don't think married people

should have secrets from one another.

When are you going to tell him?

As soon as you leave.

That should solve everything.

You'll be home before you know it.

Mother...

Good.

The strangest things have been happening.

I took one glass of champagne and suddenly I found myself...

Sweetheart...

let's sit down and talk.

What?

You're a what?

I'm a witch.

That's wonderful.

We'll talk about it tomorrow.

Now.

I am a witch.

A real, house-haunting,

broom-riding, cauldron-stirring witch.

It must be the champagne.

It's been a hectic day for both of us.

This getting married is not as easy as it looks.

Would I say I was a witch if I'm not?

[SIGHS]

I don't know!

I have an aunt who thinks she's a lighthouse.

And whenever it rains,

she insists on climbing on the garage roof to warn the sailors.

How do you know she isn't a lighthouse?

Huh?

Maybe you're the one

looking straight at a lighthouse

and thinks you're seeing an old lady on a garage roof.

Okay, okay, okay.

My aunt is a lighthouse, and you're a witch.

You don't believe me.

Okay, if you're a witch, where's your black hat and broom

and how come you're out when it isn't even Halloween?

Mother was right. You're prejudiced.

You told me your mother was in India.

She is.

But she dropped in on me this evening.

Here?

Yes.

Is she here now?

No.

Good.

Because I don't care for even an invisible mother-in-law

along on my honeymoon.

I guess I'll just have to prove to you that I'm a witch.

That's a good idea.

Prove it.

I wasn't gonna do any more witchcraft, for your sake.

I'm from Missouri. You know what that means?

What?

Show me.

I'm not very experienced at it.

Well, you're young yet.

I can only do little things.

A little thing will be just fine.

Just... any old little thing.

I have yet to see a table lighter that works.

Just once, I would like to see...

Sweetheart, we all imagine things.

I myself...

You may not believe this, but...

Sweetheart, um...

Uh...

I need some air.

I wish I had a drink.

An old-fashioned.

And a straw?

You're a witch!

That's what I've been trying to tell you!

Darling, are you all right?

[COUGHS]

No!

No, I'm not all right.

Darrin, I suppose I shouldn't have married you,

but I love you so much.

I love you too, but I hadn't figured on this.

I'll make you a good wife, I promise.

This is not something

like somebody who just thinks they're a lighthouse.

Oh, Darrin.

I love you...

so much.

We've got to figure this out.

Later.

And if you can't talk to your best friend,

who can you talk to?

You know, I know all about marriage.

That's why I'm a bachelor.

My problem, Dave...

The sea of matrimony is beset with hidden shoals and reefs.

Just found out Samantha's a witch.

And it takes tolerance and understanding

to find the channel of true love.

I didn't believe it until she started moving things around.

Marriage is a partnership where two people, side by side,

face life's obstacles together.

I can't tell my family.

If two people love each other, really love each other,

it'll work out.

I have enough trouble

getting my aunt down off the garage roof when it's raining.

Adjustment.

That is the foundation

upon which every lasting marriage is built.

Adjust!

Of course, it might have certain advantages.

Like, if you wanted a drink in a dry state.

Well, I gotta go.

Listen, if you ever need any help or advice again,

just feel free to call on me.

Doc, we've been friends for a long time.

I don't know if you can help me or not

but I just had to bring this problem to you.

Darrin, that's what I'm here for.

Tell me what's bothering you.

I'm married to a witch.

A real, live, house-haunting, broom-riding,

cauldron-stirring, card-carrying witch.

You came to me for advice. I'll give you some.

Now that you've had your honeymoon,

why don't you take a vacation?

Hal...

my wife is a witch.

Cheer up.

You should see my wife.

And I've gone over it and over it in my mind.

And I've come to a decision.

I love you, and I can't give you up.

Oh, darling!

I'll be the best wife a man ever had.

I know you will.

We're going to have a nice, normal, happy life together.

And no more...

No, no! I promise.

It's not gonna be easy.

It's tough enough

being married to an advertising man if you're normal, but...

I mean, you're going to have to learn

to be a suburban housewife.

I'll learn. You'll see, I'll learn!

Now, you'll have to learn to cook... and keep house.

Mm-hm.

And go to my mother's house

for dinner every Friday night.

Darling, it sounds wonderful.

And soon we'll be a normal, happy couple with no problems.

Just like everybody else.

And then my mother can come and visit for a while and...

Oh, well...

Maybe we better work up to that gradually.

Oh, I'll try.

I promise I'll try.

Phew!

I'm glad that's settled.

Let's drink to it.

An old-fashioned?

With a cherry on top.

I'll make it myself.

All by yourself.

We'll work it out somehow.

So my wife's a witch.

Every married man has to make some adjustment.

Oh, Miss Sellers! I'm afraid Mr. Stephens is tied...

Oh, now, don't give it a thought, Helen.

I know he'll be glad to see me. I'll just dash in for a moment.

Darrin!

Sheila!

Oh!

Darling, I just got back from Nassau yesterday,

and I've been trying to reach you.

I left a message with your secretary,

and when I didn't hear from you I decided to invade your office.

Why didn't you call me?

Well, Sheila, um...

Uh, you see...

I just got back...

I was...

I'm married.

Oh, I know, dearest. Congratulations!

Now, I know you've got every reason...

You don't care?

Oh, sweetheart. Care?

Of course I care!

After all, if I hadn't left for Nassau when I did,

it might have been me.

But no hard feelings, you sneak.

Oh, Darrin, I couldn't be happier for you

and I'm sure she's an angel.

I just stopped by to ask the two of you to drop over tonight,

if you hadn't any other plans.

A few of the gang are coming over for potluck and...

Well, I realize it's rather short notice.

Nothing fancy.

Very relaxed, sitting on the floor kind of thing.

Well, that's very nice of you, Sheila.

But I don't know.

It may be too soon to spring a whole new set of people on her.

She's not used to... Too soon?

Don't be silly, Darrin. We're your friends.

We're dying to meet her.

Unless, of course, you'd feel uncomfortable.

Me?

Of course not.

Fine, then it's all set. 7:30 tonight.

I've gotta dash. See you later!

Boy, some fancy-looking place!

Darrin, are you sure I'm dressed all right?

Darling, of course you are.

Sheila said it was potluck, very relaxed,

sitting on the floor kind of stuff.

Oh.

Darrin!

Darling! Sheila.

Is this your little bride?

How do you do?

Oh, why, Darrin, she's sweet.

Uh, maybe I should have dressed...

Not at all, dear. You look... sweet.

John, would you take Mrs. Stephens'...

Sweater.

I can tell you're the type who always dresses so sensibly.

You know, the capable type.

Darrin, I bet she's good at typing, cooking,

taking care of the household accounts and playing golf.

You know, all those things poor little me can't do at all.

Pity.

Won't you come in and meet my friends?

Folks, I'd like you to meet Darrin's little bride.

You must bring Samantha down...

Are you all right?

Oh, yes. Yes, fine, thank you.

Now, don't worry about Samantha, Darrin.

We're all going to help her.

Everybody!

I said that since Samantha is a stranger here,

that we're all going to help her and make her feel at home.

Now, first, dear, we've got to get you a good dressmaker.

Oh, but I don't need a...

And then we'll introduce you to Pierre.

He does wonders with hard-to-manage hair.

Incidentally, haven't we met somewhere before?

No. No, I don't think...

Newport. No.

The Riviera. No.

Speaking of traveling,

remember, Darrin, that time we met in Paris

and you said, "When I send you a telegram..."

Darrin, only last night at dinner Harry was telling me

that you are the brightest young prospect in the agency business.

Real Madison Avenue know-how.

Ah, Sheila always looks so beautiful.

Never a hair out of place.

A wonderful girl. Nothing she can't do.

You know she owns her own plane?

Oh?

Do you fly? Oh, yes.

Do you know Dr. Hafter, dear?

Samantha?

I beg your pardon?

Dr. Hafter. Do you know him?

No.

The plastic surgeon.

Does beautiful nose work.

No, I don't know him.

Oh! Funny, I...

I could have sworn you...

Oh, well.

[WHISPERS] I won't do it.

Oh, Darrin, do you remember

that delightful time we had with the contessa at Maxim's?

I won't!

Anyway, last I heard,

they were involved in the most delicious scandal.

Maybe I will.

Oh, and the tennis matches start in East Hampton this Saturday...

I thought we could get the same group we had last year...

My house is open and, you know, we could...

make a weekend of it.

Wouldn't that be divine?

WOMAN: We'd so like to have you and Samantha

over for dinner next week.

If Tuesday's good, Harry's invited Mr. Donahue.

DARRIN: Samantha and I would be glad to come to dinner.

Thank you, Mrs. Rutherford. Mr. Donahue...

Remember how cozy it was sitting by the fire, Darrin?

How the others...

slipped away without...

Without our noticing...

is beyond me.

Wait till you see the sports car I had sent over from Europe.

It's simply gorgeous.

Reminds me of the one we looked at in California.

Oh, by the way, Gregor is in town

so don't plan to be home early for dinner Wednesday night.

He's having in a few friends to show his new paintings,

and you must come to show me what to buy.

I'll pick you up at the office at...

At 6:00.

Ah-choo!

Oh! My zip!

Dinner's ready.

Oh!

What did you do?

I don't know! I thought I was carrying an empty tray!

Oh!

Excuse me!

Uh, her bracelet.

Sheila!

Sheila, here. Here, let me help you.

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

[WIND STOPS]

SAMANTHA: This soup really is delicious.

As soon as Sheila gets down, I must get the recipe.

It's good! It really is.

Sam, I'm not saying you were entirely wrong.

Sheila had it coming, but you went a little far.

For a while there,

it was kind of hard to tell which witch was which.

Sam! Just a little play on words.

I'm only trying to say that you broke your promise.

You gave me your word.

No more, uh... Stuff.

It's a little harder to break the habit than I thought.

Well, you can do it.

I've got a lot of faith in you.

Oh, thank you, darling.

Well, it's bedtime.

Mm-hm.

I've just got to get this kitchen cleaned up.

Tomorrow.

That's what you said last night.

Yeah.

Well...

don't take too long.

Oh, well.

Maybe I can taper off.

[♪♪♪]