Original subtitles

Do you know the expression "a man's man"?

A man's man is the leader of the pack.

The kind of man other men look up to, admire and emulate.

A man's man is the kind of man who

Just doesn't get what women are about.

Nick, my ex-husband, is the ultimate man's man.

I probably never should have married him.

I don't think he understood a thing about me.

So, this is Nick Marshall's office. Want a peek?

Don't worry. He never gets in before 10:00.

He'll send you on more errands than anyone in the entire company

'cause he can't do anything for himself.

He's like this total bachelor

and the least politically correct guy in the universe.

He's the king of all the T&A ads we do.

You want babes in bikinis? He's your man.

My dad? How can I best describe him?

He's always been like an uncle to me.

Yeah, Uncle Dad.

Although, Nick was a charmer.

Completely irresistible at first,

which feeds into the whole "man's man" thing.

You know about Nick's mother, right?

Because once you understand about Nick's mother,

you understand Nick.

Nick was actually born and raised in Las Vegas

Nick's mother was a real, honest-to-God Las Vegas showgirl.

When other boys were outside riding their bikes and playing ball,

Nick was backstage hanging with the girls.

He was their mascot, their little pet.

They couldn't get enough of those baby blues.

Bang, bang!

If you ask me, I'd say Nick's mother just about killed it

for every woman Nick would ever meet.

She had a lot of sugar daddies in her life,

but only one true love,

the boy with the family jewels.

Seventeen, 18, 19, 20. Let me see that, kid.

And since Nick didn't have a father,

his mom made sure he was always surrounded by strong male role models.

Come here.

Men her little boy could really look up to.

Now you're ready?

Keep countin', kid.

There was nothing normal about the way Nick Marshall was raised.

So, what can you expect?

Make a wish, honey.

You don't have to be Freud to figure out

this was one cockeyed way to enter the world.

Don't you ever knock?

It's almost 10:00.

You gotta go to work, and I gotta vacuum in here.

And don't forget... Another one who wears vanilla perfume.

Don't you know any women who don't want to smell like candy?

Couldn't toss me my lighter, could you, babe?

Babe? What am I, a little pig?

I don't have time to make you no onion bagel,

so please do not start to beg, okay?

And just for the record, I don't like finding these things in your sofa.

What kind of woman wears underwear like this?

Hey, my mother wore underwear like that, all right?

Just put them somewhere, will you, babe?

Well, "babe" is gonna put it in the trash compactor where it belongs.

So, your mother should excuse me.

Did you ever consider dating a woman who wears real underwear?

You know, the kind that covers the entire bottom the way it's supposed to?

No. But if I ever do, should I give you a call?

I'm gonna go clean the kitchen.

While you're out there, you couldn't toast me a little bagel, could you?

Light cream cheese, tomatoes. Capers if we have any.

Please.

Come on. You know I can't think on an empty stomach.

Okay. All right. But only because you didn't call me that little pig name.

Okay, you got it, babe.

Mr. Marshall, how are you doing today?

-I'm fit as a dancing bear. -I'll get that cab for you.

That's some set of pipes you got on you there, Flo.

-You have an excellent day, sir. -And you.

At ease.

I'm so sorry. I absolutely did not mean to do that.

-Here. Let me get that for you. -It's okay.

No, I'm mortified. Really. Here, I can see your hands are full.

-Thank you. -Sorry. Let me get the door for you.

-Thank you. -No. Thank you.

Half caff, grande, nonfat, thick foam, wet cap, no lid.

Half caff, grande, nonfat, thick foam, wet cap, no lid.

-So, when do you find out? -Today, I think.

Unless I didn't get it, and then I will just never find out.

I'm sure I didn't get it.

They were looking for an "earth mother" type.

I overheard the director say I was more space cadet.

I'm an actress. I can be whatever you want.

-Is that true, can you? -Better be true.

Otherwise, I'm stuck playing ditsy coffee shop girl the rest of my life.

Thank you. Hon? Thanks.

Hi, Nick. Hi.

Lola, my love. When are you gonna let me buy you dinner?

Nick, I don't know why you don't believe me. I'm not your type.

Trust me on this one. Cappuccino, extra foam. Tall or grande?

Grande. Or at least I like to think so.

Next.

You know, rumor has it that I'm getting some really big news at work today.

Why don't you at least come out with me? Celebrate. I'll buy you a cup of coffee.

Memo to you, I work in a coffee shop.

-Hi. What can I get you? -Hi. I'll take...

You want me to stop asking you out, Lola?

Sorry. This will just take a sec.

Because, Lola, if that's what you want, I'll stop.

All you have to do is give me the word and I'll stop.

Yes, I'm gonna give you the word because I'm an actress.

Or at least I'm trying to be one. I'm trying to concentrate on that.

So, you know, it would be a good thing, if you wouldn't mind,

to stop asking me out!

Honey, you seem so stressed.

I am. I'm stressed. I have a lot on my plate.

So, let's not talk about this now.

Why don't I meet you here? Say, tomorrow, 10:00, 10:307?

-Okay, that would be good. -So, that's a date?

It's a date. Thank you.

-Sir, that was inspiring. - I know.

Good morning, Sloane-Curtis.

-Good morning, Mr. Marshall. -Hi, honey.

-Hey, what's the dirt, kid? - I was at breakfast this morning...

Hey, Norm! You winning?

-Of course. -Yeah?

I heard Miller's shopping around, looking for a new agency.

Miller Lite. I know. I'm all over it.

Also, I heard Darcy McGuire left B.B.D. & O. Morning, Angela.

-You're kidding. Left or was fired? -I don't know.

I just know everyone over there is thrilled to get rid of her.

Well, so much for edgy female vision.

So, that girl we met last night at the club,

nothing happened after you put her in the cab, right?

It did? Something happened?

But she said she had to be in bed early.

I had her in bed by 11:00. Or was it quarter to? Yeah.

You're like a genius, you know that?

What can I tell you, buddy? I'm blessed.

And today is my lucky day.

Not only is my ex-wife Gigi remarrying... Right about now, as a matter of fact.

But Wanamaker called me himself, said he wanted to see me first thing.

-Called twice to confirm. -Call me when he makes it official.

Hey, it's not gonna be as easy for you to suck up to Creative Director, you know.

Not to worry. I'll make us a lunch rez at the Drake to celebrate.

Don't count your chickens.

-1:00? -Pick you up.

Can I borrow this?

-Hey, Dina. -Hi.

Do you know the difference between a wife and a job?

-What is it? -After 10 years, the job still sucks.

That's a good one, huh?

I wouldn't do that if I were you. That's not a good idea, no.

-Mr. Marshall, hi. -Hey.

I put the Gillette story boards on your desk.

Picked up your shoes from Barneys.

Got your glasses fixed. There was no charge.

This morning's staff meeting was canceled.

And also I got your cigarettes. They're right next to your laptop.

This morning's staff meeting was canceled?

That's what I was told.

Good morning, girls.

Good afternoon, sire.

Hey, anybody know why the staff meeting was canceled?

Nobody called us.

But Mr. Wanamaker wants to see you as soon as you get in,

which I told his office was 15 minutes ago.

- I know. -You couldn't show up on time today?

You know you're being promoted.

But you look very sharp, by the way.

-Thank you. -Like a creative director.

Very distinguished.

You two gonna be able to handle yourselves on the 44th floor? Be truthful now.

Are you kidding? We were made for the 44th floor.

Now, get up there already, SO we can break out the bubbly.

-Don't wait up. -Don't wait up.

-He's so adorable. -He says the cutest things.

Boy.

I'm sorry, buddy.

I was in the board meeting that would never end.

-Have you been here long? -A couple minutes. That's all.

Jess, can I get a cup of decaf and a couple of Tylenol?

And see if we got any echinacea. And I need some club soda.

I got something on my tie.

You know what? Just get me another tie.

I saw the mock-ups you did for Johnnie Walker.

They're fantastic.

That's my job, Dan.

So, you know I'm not great at making speeches,

especially when I haven't got you to write them for me.

So, I'll do my best.

I've been in this racket over 30 years.

Now, let me tell you something, it doesn't get any easier.

As a matter of fact, it gets harder and harder.

The '80s were our glory days.

They were all about alcohol, tobacco and cars.

I felt like I was on top of my game.

And then in the '90s, men simply stopped dominating how the dollars were spent,

and we lost our compass.

Women between ages of 16 and 24

are the fastest-growing consumer group in the country.

We're talking about girls who were born in the mid-'80s,

who control our advertising dollars.

Sorry. No echinacea. Hi, Nick.

-Hey. -Red or lavender?

Red. No. No, lavender. That's good. Lavender's good.

While we've been getting our rocks off shooting beer commercials

with the Swedish bikini team,

the industry has been transformed.

We were the agency in town 10 years ago.

Now we're struggling to be third.

If we don't evolve and think beyond our natural ability,

we're gonna go down.

"Think beyond our natural..."

I'm not quite clear what you mean here, Dan.

What do you know about Darcy McGuire?

Hey, I heard on the whisper she just left B.B.D. & O.

I never met the woman, but I hear she's a real man-eater.

She won that Clio last year that we should have won for the ad about...

Yeah, right. That was her? I forgot about that.

Yeah, I wish I had. Boy, I hear she is a bitch on wheels.

-That's very funny. -Yeah, why?

"Cause I just hired her.

To do what?

You know I love you, Nick, but it's a woman's world out there.

Getting into a women's psyche is not exactly your strong suit.

You can get into their pants better than anybody on Earth,

but their psyche is a whole other ball game.

You hired Darcy McGuire to do what?

I know she hasn't done it totally on her own yet,

but somebody was gonna grab her.

And she's smart, Nick. She's very smart.

You made her Creative Director, didn't you?

I'm sorry, buddy.

This isn't easy for me, but I got the board breathing down my neck.

She's coming in this afternoon. You'll meet her.

Come on. Roll with this.

Work with her,

because she's got what I need to keep this place afloat.

She's got what you need, meaning she's a woman.

You know how we can compete with that?

He's coming. He's coming. He's coming.

Not so fast, girls. Put it on ice.

We'll break it out soon.

We're not moving to the 44th floor?

Not today.

Okay, Gig, one more.

Gigi, your ex is here.

Honey, you look like $48 million.

Thank you.

-May I kiss the bride? -Sure.

Nick.

-Nick! -Ted.

Congratulations, Ted. You're a lucky man.

Well, thanks. I happen to agree.

So, you're going on a cruise. Two weeks, huh?

Well, actually, the cruise is just the last week.

Alexandra has an itinerary,

and I faxed one to your office yesterday,

to your apartment last week.

Ted's office has one, as does the school.

In case I've fallen off the planet?

You never know.

Hey, here she is. Pretty in pink. So, two whole weeks together?

-Yeah, how you gonna handle it? -I'm gonna love it.

You can take care of your old man for a change.

Cook for me. Get my slippers.

-Yeah, that'll be happening. -So, Alexandra has a boyfriend now.

Mom!

I'm just telling him so he won't be surprised when he comes by.

You have a boyfriend? You're only 13 years old.

Am I? I thought I was 15.

We're gonna be fine.

Look, I wanna meet Cameron.

-Is it okay if I meet Dad at his place? -Can she? Is it all right with you?

-Yeah, well, I... -What time?

8:00. 9:00, maybe?

-7:30. -Okay.

-Bye, Mom. -Oh, honey. I'm gonna miss you.

I'm gonna miss you, too. Ted, have a good time.

-Bye, pumpkin. -Bye.

-Nick. -Honey.

Later.

Yeah, 7:30's fine. Thanks for asking.

And the name's Dad.

-Here you go. -Thanks.

-Hey, I heard. I can't believe this. -My next headache.

Don't worry. We'll get through it.

Yeah.

Everyone, everyone, meet Darcy McGuire.

Oh, jeez.

-My goodness. Everybody showed up. -Darcy, how are you?

-Nice to see you. Hi! -Pleasant surprise.

-God, what a small world. -Welcome aboard.

I'm so glad to meet you.

Hello. I'm Darcy.

Hi. I'm Nick Marshall.

I've heard a lot about you, Nick.

I've heard a lot about you too, Darcy.

Don't worry, can't all be true.

Let's hope not.

Hey.

Hey, standing room only. It's a first.

I'm very, very excited for you all to meet Darcy McGuire.

I know Darcy's extraordinary reputation as a leader in the field precedes her.

At B.B.D. & O., Darcy led a creative team

that snagged $500 million in new business wins.

And that was just last year alone.

Here at Sloane-Curtis,

we've always prided ourselves on our strategic thinking.

Now it's time for us to step up and once again prove ourselves creatively

in the marketplace.

And I'm thrilled that Darcy has consented to move across town,

join our team and lead us into the 21st century.

Thank you, Dan.

And thank you all for that warm welcome.

Let me start off by saying the feeling is mutual.

I am absolutely thrilled to be here.

When [ first started in this business, it was my dream to work at Sloane-Curtis.

In fact, I believe I even applied for a job here twice.

Somebody call Personnel.

But it was B.B.D. & O. that offered me a home.

And what I learned there was that any success I had

was a direct result of the team of people that I work with.

I know that two heads are better than one.

I know that five heads are better than two.

And I know that if we put our heads and our hearts into this company,

we will deliver, I know that.

Now, I love challenges. I love hard work.

I look forward to sitting at this very table tossing ideas around

until what I fear will be the wee hours of the morning.

But most importantly,

I want the work we do to say something about who we are.

-How we think, what we feel. -I'm sorry.

Excuse me.

So, as our friends in Hollywood say, "Let's cut to the chase."

How are we gonna turn this company around?

When Sears decided to go after women in their advertising

and said, "Come see the softer side of Sears,"

their revenues went up 30%.

Thirty percent. That's huge.

Female-driven advertising totaled $40 billion last year.

And Sloane-Curtis' share of that was?

Zero.

If you want to sell an anti-wrinkle cream or a Ford Mustang to a woman, forgive me.

But this is the last place you bring your business.

And we can't afford to not have a piece of a $40 billion pie.

So, I have put together a little kit for everybody.

Nobody panic. This is supposed to be fun.

Every product in this box

is looking for new representation right now,

and they're all made for women.

I'm pretty sure all the women here

are pretty familiar with most of these products,

so, for the men, let's just briefly run through them.

Here you go, Nick.

Thank you.

Each kit contains anti-wrinkle cream,

mascara, moisturizing lipstick,

bath beads, quick-dry nail polish,

an at-home waxing Kit, a more wonderful Wonderbra,

-a home pregnancy test, hair volumizer... -Sorry.

...pore cleansing strips, Advil,

control-top pantyhose and a Visa card.

Now I want everybody to come up with something

for one product, for two, the whole box. Whatever moves you.

We'll get together tomorrow, have a little show-and-tell

and see where we are.

How's 8:30 for everybody?

Great. See you at 8:30 tomorrow morning.

A nightmare.

Read my lips,

nightmare.

Miss, miss, miss!

That's another 500 bucks.

We play our dangerous game.

A game of chess against our old adversary.

"Adversary"? Surely you mean adversary, old boy?

Vinaigrette for arugula salad.

Women's political caucus...

Tuck the pelvis under. Keep lifting.

-Three, four five six... -Buns of steel.

I'd steal her buns if I could.

Here it comes. Yes, he nailed the dismount!

Now let's check in on the women's finals.

Women's finals.

There's way too much estrogen on television these days.

And as we all know, the perfect antidote to estrogen

is Frank.

I need some Frank.

Help me, buddy. Help me now.

Don't panic.

This is supposed to be fun.

Okay. Okay, I can do this.

I'm a professional.

Lipstick. All right.

Lipstick on a guy's collar? No, no, women will hate that.

Lipstick on a guy's collar that won't rub off.

No, that's even worse.

Okay, okay, okay, I gotta think like a broad.

All right, I'm a broad.

I see lipstick...

On a dark-haired Tahitian beauty,

standing under a waterfall, wearing nothing but a thong.

Water cascading down her back.

I'm a lesbian.

I gotta change the music.

I wonder. I wonder.

Alex, thank you.

Thank you.

Jackpot!

She's hot.

You go, girl.

Looks like big dandruff here.

Smooth, yeah, smooth. Cool.

Mascara. Here we go.

Yeah, it's got to be the one.

Nice, thick lashes.

Shit, that stings! What the...

Okay, fine. Well, I need some anesthetic here.

Beautiful.

Okay. Now,

for the piece de resistance, we have...

We have the right leg. Yes, excellent.

And the hot, hot wax. Very hot wax.

Here we go.

That's hot.

Okay, test of manhood. Here we go.

Okay, we passed.

And next, we immediately apply disposable cloth

over the waxed area.

Straight ahead.

Yes.

Yeah, it feels kinda nice, yeah.

I don't know why women complain about waxing their legs.

"In one smooth motion, yank the strip quickly

"in the opposite direction of the hair growth."

No, no, that would be north.

And one, two, three.

Women are insane. Who would do that more than once?

I don't know. Why would anybody even do the other leg?

Yes, that's right, girls.

Wax it off and cover it up.

Yeah. Ally-oop! Wait.

Shit! I guess this takes a little finesse.

One down, two to go.

Okay. Okay. Get up.

Okay.

Honey, you just lost yourself five pounds.

All right, where's my Wonderbra?

Now, let's see which end is up here.

-Hi! -What are you doing?

Exfoliating?

You must be...

Cameron, my boyfriend. This is Nick.

-Her father. -That's nice nail polish you got there.

Yeah, I'm just doing a new research thing at work, you know.

-Trying to get into the female psyche... -Whatever.

Yeah.

I should probably take off.

-No, you don't have to. -It's cool. I'll see you later, all right?

Okay.

-Bye. -Bye.

-I'll call you. -Okay.

Nice meeting you, Nick.

Yeah.

-Excuse me. Did you just kiss that guy? -Where did you get this?

It was in your zipper thing. You're kissing guys now?

I can't believe you went through my stuff!

That was an emergency. I needed some music.

-It was just sitting there. -What are you, like allergic to listening?

You never listen when I talk.

If I'm gonna be stuck staying here, then my stuff's gonna be around, okay?

I don't want you to just go through everything.

I listen to you.

-What do you mean, I don't listen to you? -You think you listen to me.

-Yeah. -You do?

What's my boyfriend's name?

It's...

-Good night. -No, no, wait, come back.

Dustin is his name. Dustin, that's his name.

Right? No. Don't slam the...

Carson.

Carmen. Carmine! Carmine!

Carmichael!

I can't remember a guy's name,

and they figure you're not listening to them.

What do women want?

I know it has three syllables.

Cameron. His name is Cameron!

Jesus. That's so dangerous.

Ninety percent of all accidents happen...

What the hell has he done now?

I hope he's not dead.

No, I'm fine.

I'm fine, I think.

Are you sure?

No. Yes.

Cleaner pores. Thicker hair.

Very weird headache. Really weird.

Now [ gotta clean up bras and home pregnancy tests?

The man doesn't pay me enough for the things I have to do.

Jesus, he's wearing panty hose?

Now he's a cross-dresser?

I was just experimenting with a few products from work, all right?

-Did I say anything? -Oh, God, it's 8:00 already.

One day I'd like to sleep till 8:00.

He'd fire my ass if I wasn't here to wake him.

Are we in a mood today.

Same as every other day.

Honey, make me a little bagel with cream cheese.

You know [ can't think on an empty stomach.

For your information, I'm not even hungry.

Who said you were?

-Mr. Marshall. -Good morning, Flo.

Let me get you a cab, sir.

Sure.

Thank you, Flo.

You're welcome, my little sweet ass.

What did you say?

Me? Nothing.

-You sure? -Yes, sir.

You know what? I think I'll walk today. I could use a little fresh air.

You have a great day, sir.

With your fine ass looking like Shaft!

I could just ride that puppy!

Hey! Watch where you're going.

-You okay, sir? -Fine. I'm fine.

Did I turn the coffee maker off?

[ Walked over to it but did I turn it off?

[ Can't remember.

[ Saw the light on, but did I actually turn the switch off?

-What? What? -One kiss doesn't make me a lesbian.

-Does it? -What?

I'm sorry.

Two slices of toast, 150 calories, plus a tab and a half of butter,

another 150...

So estrogen is good for the heart, but bad for the breasts.

-What? -My kid doesn't need Ritalin.

If I could only get him to listen to what I say.

Monsieur, I need to poop.

Oh, boy!

Oh, God, he nearly killed me.

Too bad he missed.

-Good morning. -Good...

Don't look up.

He'll make me hear another disgusting joke.

He's such a schmuck.

She thinks I'm a schmuck?

Lighten up on that aftershave, buddy.

What? Yeah, like you've got the perfect body?

-Hi, Mr. Marshall. -No, no, don't say it.

What? I was just going to tell you the Gillette budget's on your desk.

And I went out last night and got you that Merlot that you wanted.

Here's your credit card back.

Thank you.

-You okay? -Me? Yeah.

Do you realize that I have an lvy League education

and that running your stupid errands has put me info therapy?

Why don't you take me seriously and give me some real work to do.

Yeah, I remember why. Because I have a vagina!

Is anything else I can get for you?

No.

Good, you're on time.

-Good morning. -Morning.

-What's the matter? -You look a little different.

You know, I think maybe it's his hair.

-It looks thicker, doesn't it? -Give me your coat.

-Okay. -You smell good today.

-New cologne? -No.

That's it? No other thoughts?

-What do you mean? -You feeling all right, doll?

"Linens, linings, loans, locks."

Hello, Nick?

Nick? We gotta go.

What are you doing? It's 8:30.

Can't go. Gotta find a doctor. Need a cure. Can't go.

-Definitely can't go. -You sound like the guy from Shine.

-What's wrong with you? -Maybe I don't need a doctor.

Maybe I need, like, an exorcist.

Under "E" for exorcist.

There are no exorcists in the greater Chicago area.

Now, let's pull it together here

and go sell some sensitive feminine shit, okay?

Sorry to interrupt. Here you go.

By the way, your hair looks really good today, Mr. Marshall.

And it's okay you pay me minimum wage

because [ just used the company phone to call my boyfriend in Israel

for an hour.

Tell me you heard that.

Your hair looks really good. So what?

The other thing! What she was thinking thing.

I don't think she thinks too much. She's not exactly a genius.

I'll have you know she went to an lvy League school, pal.

-Doubt that. -Look, the other thing

she said about the boyfriend,

calling him in Israel, you heard that, yes, no?

Dude, I didn't hear it 'cause she didn't say it.

Now let's pull it together.

We're gonna be late for our sorority meeting, okay.

Morgan, in case I, like, maybe die today...

Can we walk and talk?

"Cause in case you live, I don't wanna be late, okay.

Okay, here's what happened, just in case the coroner asks all right.

I got a little drunk last night,

and I tried on all the products from the pink box.

-You did not. -I put on all the products, okay.

Nail polish, panty hose, everything.

-You tried on the panty hose? -Yes, okay.

Anyway, I was drying my hair, and I fell over and tripped,

fell into the bathtub and electrocuted myself.

I blacked out, and when I woke up,

I could hear what every woman around me was thinking.

I'm talking personal, private stuff.

The stuff that nobody on Earth is supposed to hear, I hear that stuff.

You know what I'm saying? I can hear what women think.

Can you? Good, 'cause that's not a talent a lot of guys have these days.

You don't believe me. You want me to prove it?

-Here. See this attorney coming toward us? -Yeah.

She thinks you're overpaid and gay.

-What? -I'm telling ya.

I can hear what they're all thinking.

It's driving me crazy. Even French poodles, I can hear them.

Okay, look, just so we're on the same page here,

I need you to know you sound insane.

You freaked out over losing the job, which I understand.

But if you tell anybody else

you can hear the innermost thoughts of a French poodle...

What if I just jumped out the window?

Just put the fruit down and jumped through the plate glass.

Would they notice?

Probably not if I didn't get glass on anybody.

That girl with the fruit, she's kinda funny.

Suicidal, but she is funny, you know.

Nick, what girl with the fruit?

The...

Last one to arrive. Wants me to know I'm not his boss.

Okay, you're a star. I get the message.

She thinks I'm late

because I want her to know she's not my boss.

-What is she talking about? -Put a lid on it, buddy. I'm begging you.

I can't believe I have butterflies in my stomach.

Feels like the first day of school.

Okay, so let's see how we did.

Nobody wants to go first.

Everyone's avoiding me, except Nick Marshall.

Unbelievable. The only one with good eye contact.

At least he's looking at my eyes and not down my blouse.

-So, Nick, what did you come up with? -Me?

What did I come up with?

He's so wired.

Mostly...

I thought about the moisturizing lipstick,

never having worn lipstick myself.

I tried to imagine what I'd want from a lipstick,

you know, if I were a woman.

-Spare me. -Okay, he's trying to be honest.

You know, to be perfectly honest,

the first thing I thought of was a Tahitian beauty,

bathing under a waterfall.

I'm gonna die here with these kinds of ideas.

But, you know, I'm working on it, and it's evolving.

I don't suppose anybody's interested in an idea

involving the Swedish bikini team?

I do know them all personally.

Of course you do.

What an idiot.

-Jerk. -Grow up already.

-What a pig. -You are so foul.

I should have asked for more money.

Excuse me. Gina?

I spent the night trying to figure out how to sell Advil just to women.

You know what? You should sell it to women like me.

I take it every time I need to fake a headache.

Works like a charm.

I got a great one. It just came to me.

-Do you mind if I interrupt, Dina? -No, sure, go ahead.

[ Hate that you've seen me naked.

All right.

So, we're in a bedroom, the lights are out.

There's a woman in bed, and she's taking an Advil.

Her husband turns over and suggestively rubs her back,

and we say, "Advil.

"So mild and gentle, you can take it even when you're faking a headache.”

And then the woman turns to her husband and says,

"Not tonight, dear, I need an Advil."

He's back.

What? Come on. That doesn't reach women on a personal level?

-No. -Women do that, don't they?

-Not me. -I don't.

No?

Sue Cranston, you've done that, haven't you?

I mean, faked a headache to, you know...

No, Nick, I haven't. Thanks for asking.

No, wait, wait, wait. Be honest now.

I mean, you've been married what, 10, 12 years?

And you've never in all that time faked a headache?

Like it doesn't work like a charm?

No, Nick, I haven't.

I mean, no, it doesn't, okay?

-What an asshole! -Okay, I guess I'm way off base here.

Okay, what's good about your idea

is that you're looking at Advil from a woman's point of view.

I don't think Advil will go for it,

and I'm pretty sure every woman in America will hate it.

Other than that, I thought it was great.

So you're on the right track. Hang in there. Go ahead.

Great antenna there, babe. The poodle give you that one?

-Dad, what are you doing home so early? - I have my first migraine.

This is hideous. My boyfriend feeling me up in front of my father.

Alex, just don't think anything.

The outlook wasn't good for the Mudville Nine that day.

-The score was four to two. -Shit. Where's my bra?

-Where is it? -Oh, God.

Oh, God!

Okay, look.

Everybody just needs to chill out here, all right.

There'll be no chilling. Just get your stuff and move on.

Come on, man. Relax.

-How old are you? - I just turned 18.

Well, she's 15. She was 10 five years ago.

You know what I'm saying, stud? Now get out.

Dad! We're going to the prom. Don't ruin it.

You're not going to the prom with this punk.

How did you know about the prom?

Look, I don't know. Mom told me, all right?

But it's not gonna happen because he's too old for you.

I know what boys his age want,

and he's not getting it from my daughter. Door.

Your daughter? Suddenly, I'm your daughter.

-How am I related to this asshole? -Another one.

I want Mom.

Hey, look, I'm just gonna take off.

-I'm real sorry about this. -Save it.

That's mine.

Where... Where are you...

Great day.

Okay, I'm not losing my mind.

I'm already losing my mind.

This will work. It's gotta work.

This has gotta work. Shit. Perfect.

Yep.

Come on! Do your thing!

Turn me into me again!

Good, I'm not dead.

Oh, please!

Please, please, please. Tell me I got rid of it.

Please be a woman. Please.

-For what city, please? -You couldn't possibly do me a favor

and think of your favorite color or TV program, could you?

For what city, please?

Flo? Hey, Flo!

Flo?

Great.

I can't believe this.

I need a woman.

-Try this one. -I love this. This is fantastic.

It's my mother's birthday next week, so need two gift sets.

Thanks so much. You've been a great help. I appreciate it.

Do you have a Kleenex back there so I can wipe that off?

-I'm sure she'll like it. -Thanks.

-It's one of our best sellers. -Let me ask you something.

-Do I get a free gift with this? -Yes, you get a travel bag.

Thank you.

Stop it. You've got the dress. Treat yourself to a lipstick.

No, I have enough at home.

Come on, you might as well get one while we're here, right?

I have too many lipsticks. I have piles of them. I don't need it.

Look, I'll buy it for you.

If he doesn't answer that phone in the next two rings,

-I swear to God! -Hi, blue eyes.

! really feel bad about her...

-Dr. Perkins, you may not remember me. -Yes?

I'm Nick Marshall.

I came here about 10 years ago with my ex-wife, Gigi.

-Christ, not him. -Good, you remember me.

I'm sorry to barge in like this, but I don't know who to turn to.

I'm desperate.

I'm afraid to go to work. I'm afraid of my door woman.

I'm afraid to get a cup of coffee.

Mr. Marshall, please slow down. Slow down.

Let me make sure I completely understand what it is you're saying.

All right. All right.

I hear what women think.

Yeah. You know, Mr. Marshall,

this kind of imaginary displacement scenario

-really isn't my thing. -I'm not...

I do, however, have a very good friend over at University Hospital,

who specializes in men with male menopause and testosterone depletion.

She's fabulous. I think what I'll do is just give her a ring

and send you over there.

Why did I answer my door? I was so into buying that lamp on eBay.

-How much was it going for? -How much was what going for?

The lamp on eBay.

I see. That's good. Very clever.

Dr. Skolnick, please.

All right, you don't believe me. Well, then, try another one.

Go on. Pick a number. Give it a whirl. Any number.

Okay. A number between one and...

-A million. Why not? -One and a million.

All right.

644,998, 99, 90.

Wanna make a decision here?

You can say that again.

I didn't say anything.

I know, but that does not mean I didn't hear it.

Okay. Okay. Let's say... Let's say I do believe you.

-Yeah. -That you can hear what women think.

Even though I'm a grown woman of...

Fifty-one.

-...47. -My lips are sealed.

Holy crap!

Forgive me.

-That's all right. -But this is phenomenal.

-You can hear inside my head. -Yes.

Why would you want to get rid of such a brilliant gift?

Well, for starters,

almost every woman I know thinks I'm an asshole.

That's what I thought when [ first met you.

Doc, could you please give me a break here?

Mr. Marshall, you might find this a little unorthodox,

but would you mind awfully if I smoked?

-No, no, I understand. -Thank you. Thank you so much.

Let's try to look at the upside of this, shall we?

You know, Freud died at age 83 still asking one question,

"What do women want?"

Wouldn't it be strange and wonderful if you were the one man on Earth

finally able to answer that question?

Listen to me, Nick. Something extraordinary,

and I think miraculous, has happened to you.

My advice is, you must learn from this.

You know, there isn't a single woman that I treat

that doesn't wish her man understood her better.

If men are from Mars and women are from Venus

and you speak Venusian, the world can be yours.

I don't know how this happened to you or why,

but you may just be the luckiest man on Earth.

Imagine the possibilities.

If you know what women want, you can rule.

Here he comes, looking awfully good today.

And I haven't had sex in four months. Okay, six.

Why did I tell him to stop asking me out? I'm an idiot!

Idiot! Idiot!

Hey, Nick, how's it going?

Lola, my love. I can't take no for an answer.

-About what? -About what?

About us.

Just don't hurt me, Nick. I've been hurt too many times.

I know how hard it is to go out with someone new.

I mean, there's always that fear of, well, getting hurt.

-At least that's how I feel inside. -You do, really?

-All the time. -Me, too, all the time.

So, let's just take it slow and see how it goes.

Slow is good.

Slow is really good.

-Yeah. -Are you free tonight?

So, you don't think I'm gay? You're saying you never said that?

Right, I never said that.

But that doesn't mean you didn't think it.

What is it? Is it the hair? The highlights happen to be natural.

Morgan, I have a meeting.

And you don't think I'm overpaid either, right?

You never said that.

You know... You know, I really don't think I ever said that.

Okay.

Who has he been talking to?

-Morning. -Morning.

Well, then check your e-mail. I sent it over...

Hi, Annie. How's the boyfriend in Israel?

By the way, I want to thank you for picking up that wine.

That's above and beyond. I appreciate it so much. Thank you.

Can I get you a cup of coffee or some water or any kind of beverage?

No, but thank you.

If I'm thirsty, I know where the coffee room is.

Hey, Nick.

That's right, guys, don't help. Just walk right past me.

Why don't you step on my hands, you big...

Here you go. How you doing?

Fine. Thank you, Mr. Marshall.

You're welcome...

-Erin. -Erin.

-You be careful, all right, Erin? -Yeah, sure.

Heavy.

What do you know? There is life on this planet.

Breakfast Tuesday sounds great. Absolutely.

Thanks for the info. And thanks for the champagne.

You, too. Okay, bye-bye.

Set meeting, Nike, women's division.

-Hi. -Hi.

Well, you've been here five minutes. Looks like you've been here a year.

Yeah. I'm compulsive. It's a problem.

Why do I always feel like he's checking me out?

! wonder what he's got up his sleeve.

Great photographs.

No clue they're all Margaret Bourke-White.

They're not all Margaret Bourke-White, are they?

Yeah, they are.

It's a beautiful collection.

Thanks. So, how's it going?

You know, I was gonna ask you the same thing.

It's starting slow.

I'm evaluating some of the staff. That's always hard.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, right.

Well, you know, I don't wanna beat around the bush.

So, what I'd like to propose...

He's proposing so soon?

Sorry. Sorry.

-Yes... -Excuse me.

-You got another one. -Thanks.

As I was saying, obviously, I know nothing whatsoever

about the products that you're going for personally,

but I do believe I can sell anything

once I know what the buyer's needs are.

And what I'd really like, with your kind indulgence, of course,

is to go after that really big fish.

I mean, the one you really wanna land.

I'll learn what I need to know, and I'll reel them in for us.

No, actually, I think 11 reel them in for us.

That is, of course, unless you're going after something in particular yourself.

No. It's just that there're several big fish out there at the moment.

Oh, yeah? Well, what's your biggest fish?

I mean, to your mind, who's your whale?

Nike? Women's division?

-You heard they were shopping? -I got wind of it.

-That's amazing. I heard no one knew. -You knew.

I heard no one else knew.

Look, it's okay if I know what you know.

-I mean, we're on the same team now. -Yeah.

Besides, I heard someone say once

two heads are better than one. Five heads are better than...

-You were listening. -More than you know.

Okay, here's what I heard.

Nike is shopping, quietly.

But if they make a change, it's gonna happen fast.

Now, you know this is a tough one for us to get.

It would be a tough one for anybody to get, but if we got it...

-That's all we'd need. -I hear you.

So, what do they want exactly?

They wanna empower women.

-What? -I'm sorry.

-That won't work. -No, okay. I'm sorry.

I understand. Go on.

Listen, they wanna get inside women's heads

and reach them on a very real level.

Now, don't take this the wrong way,

but yesterday you got jumpy talking about lipstick.

I know.

Nike is state-of-the-art hard-core woman power.

You sure you wanna go after this one?

You get 'em here in two weeks, I'll be ready.

This guy is kind of exciting.

Hey! Glad I caught you both. You got a minute?

-Sure. -Yeah.

I just want you to look at these boards for U.S. Air

before they come by this afternoon.

-Right. -It feels like something's missing to me.

I don't like the graphics.

Feels a bit parochial.

Maybe it should be in black and white.

What do you think, Nick?

I don't know who you've had working on these, Dan,

but, I don't know, it seems kind of...

What's the word? Parochial to me.

What do you think, Darcy?

I totally agree, especially about the graphics.

They're parochial. It's so funny you just said that.

Yeah?

And you know, why don't you get them to try it in black and white?

Might punch it up a little.

What? Did you say something?

No. I just swear I was thinking the exact same thing.

Were you?

Black and white could really help. Good idea, Nick.

Good idea, Nick? Speak up. Quick.

-Say something before he leaves. -Dan?

Yeah?

Want me to take another look at the boards

once they have another stab at it, give me a buzz.

-I will. Thanks, buddy. -Dan?

In case they find Nick's idea too retro, which they might...

Oh, yeah.

...they may hear elegant and think it's old-fashioned,

I'd be ready with some, maybe a dot com kind of thing?

Maybe there's something about getting online and being on-line at the airport.

I could maybe...

No, I think we're fine, really. Really, we're good.

- I like Nick's fix on this. -Great.

Hey, you wanna come by later? I got a box of new Cubans, just came in.

-Great. -Cool.

-You smoke cigars? -No.

You know, your office is looking really snazzy.

I love the red.

-Me, too. Yeah -Thanks.

Mr. Marshall, your daughter's on line one.

-I'm sorry. Would you mind... -Here you go.

He has a daughter? Didn't picture that. How old?

She's 15. She's staying with me while her mom's away.

-He's married? -Away on her honeymoon.

Alex, hi.

Sure, honey. No, that's great.

"Honey"? Who are you trying to impress?

Okay, look, I'm gonna go out with my friends after school.

Then can I bring them back to your place or will you freak out again?

No, no, no, no. No problem. Whatever you want.

-What time are you gonna be home? -Wait for me.

-I don't know. I gotta go. -8:00 is fine.

I love you, too. Bye, sweetie.

Total shocker. He's like a nice guy.

-Sorry, duty calls. -Of course.

-She's 157 -Yeah. Got a boyfriend that's 18.

-And you hate that, right? -Hate it.

Yeah. But she digs him, and he's invited her to the prom.

That's a big deal, I guess.

Going to the prom is mostly about the dress.

You know that, right?

-Is it? -Oh, yeah.

Once you got the dress handled, it's all downhill from there.

This feels like a date.

Why did I go into all that? He needs to go.

Well, I'm out of here.

Do some research downtown, get inside women's heads.

-Well, if you need any help... -I'll be picking your brain.

-You got it. -I'll take it.

Oh, God. Candy.

She won't last a month.

I like that one, but it says you can't wear it if you have hips.

-That one's cute. -It's low-cut. I can't wear low-cut.

-Alex? -It's open.

What? Say something.

Hi. I'm Alex's dad, Nick.

-Hi. -Hi.

-Deadbeat. -Mr. No-Food-in-the-House.

Forgot her birthday.

Why is he just standing there?

I just wanted to let you know that I was home,

and that I got sort of a date later on tonight, so I'm going out.

But I'll be home early. Hey, why don't you guys order a pizza?

There's not a scrap of food in the joint.

And I also wanted to know if maybe you and I could go out on a date soon?

I'd like to take you shopping for a prom dress.

That is so sweet.

[ Wish my dad would do something like that.

-I love him. -I don't get it.

First, you throw Cameron out.

Now you wanna take me shopping so I can go to the prom with him?

Well, I overreacted, and I just wanna make up for it by taking you out shopping.

I mean, it's a pretty important thing, you know?

I mean, they say it's all downhill after the dress.

He must be stoned.

Fine.

I'll get the most expensive dress, shoes, makeup. He can afford it.

And what the hell, let's go crazy.

While we're at it, we'll get you new makeup, shoes, the works.

-What do you say? -Fine, whatever.

Whatever meaning "yes." Yes?

Yes.

Great. Well, nice to have met you two. I hope to see you again soon.

-Definitely. -Bye, Mr. Marshall.

-Love the apartment. -Great view.

Thank you. Okay.

I gotta tell ya, I'm not usually like this on a first date.

It's just you've been so amazing all night.

-You've been so sensitive... -Oh, well...

...and so understanding and...

Hey.

-You wanna come up? -Oh, yeah.

I can't believe I asked him up. Am I ready for him to come up?

If I sleep with him, he'll think I'm a slut and never call me again.

Or he'll call me all the time

cause he'll think he can get it whenever he wants.

What's the difference? He's so incredible!

He reminds me of my sister.

-So, what do you think? -Well, I...

I'll only come up if you really want me to.

I don't want you to do anything that you're not ready for.

I can wait.

He's got a great body.

But...

What's with the tongue? I'm gonna need the Heimlich maneuver.

Thank you.

-That's right, they're attached. -I'm sorry.

Now we're talkin'

Okay. Lied about the grande.

Would you mind if we had the lights on, maybe?

-No, you want the light on? -Yeah, it might help.

Okay, if it'll help.

God, I hope he's better with the light on.

He's so all over the place.

Just do it already so [ can start faking it.

ls Britney Spears on Leno tonight?

-You okay? -Well...

Yeah, I'm just fine.

What happened?

Shaking...

Okay. All right.

Now, let's pull this together, buddy.

I mean, this is what we do.

-You okay? -Yeah.

Just regrouping.

Lola?

-I can do this better. -Wanna bet?

Yeah.

Amazing! Amazing.

It was like you were more inside of me than anybody ever!

Well, thanks, doll. I tried.

No, no.

I mean, more inside my head.

Like, you knew what I wanted and how I wanted it.

We connected in a way that was beyond...

Beyond...

My heart!

My heart is beating so hard.

Who would've thought? Slow starter, then turns out to be a genius in bed.

Ladies and gentlemen, Nick Marshall is a sex god!

Oh, yeah.

Living life.

Life. Livin' it.

That's good.

I love it.

I know. I know.

Wait a minute. One second.

No, it's great.

Okay, that was a... One more. Time for one more.

Okay, you know why guys like doing it in front of the mirror?

Why?

Because objects may appear larger than they actual are.

-That's a good one. Anyway. -That's a good one.

I heard that in the beauty shop this morning.

But seriously. Dee?

That other thing we were talking about before,

come on, I mean, he can't just ignore you all night,

stay glued to the TV like some zombie

and then expect you to turn it on like a light-bulb.

I mean, I wouldn't put up with that.

I mean, you're either interesting or you're not.

Ask him to decide.

-Can I write that down? -All right.

I'm either interesting or I'm not. He'll shit a brick.

What if he says I'm not?

He won't say that you're not.

Trust me.

Okay, I did it.

I told Chaim I wasn't moving to Israel.

Yeah, good. And?

I said what you said. He can be a writer anywhere.

If I'm going to be in advertising, I need to be here and not there.

-And then he said? -I don't know. It was in Hebrew.

But I don't think it was, "You got it. See you next Tuesday."

I don't know. I'd wait it out. He'll call you.

[ Can't. I better call him back.

Be strong. He will call you.

Well, girls, been nice chattin'. I gotta get back to work.

Can I make you a sandwich?

No, I'm cool. Really.

But thank you, anyway. This was fun.

This is good.

More insightful than I would've thought.

This line doesn't feel exactly right.

If you're thinking that that line isn't perfect,

I agree. It needs a little work.

There's something not exactly right about it, isn't there?

I mean, it's not bad. It's insightful, actually. It's just...

Well, what do you think this woman's thinking?

Well, I...

Let's see.

She's thinking about what she wants out of life.

What's she gonna accomplish? How's she gonna do all that?

I mean, women, you know, they think about that a lot.

I mean, surprisingly a lot.

They worry all the time about everything.

You're so right. How do you know that?

Well, you know, even I had a mother.

Well...

So maybe running gives her time off from all of that.

Maybe it gives her something she can't get anyplace else.

Look at her. God, I want to be her.

She looks so free, doesn't she?

No one's judging her, no boss to worry about,

no guys to worry about, no games to figure her way through.

I like that. No games. That's good.

That'd be nice in life, wouldn't it?

Okay, can I just think for one second?

-Take your time. -Okay.

Okay.

No games. How do [ get that in?

She's running. It's early, it's quiet.

Just the sound of her feet on the asphalt.

She likes to run alone. No pressure, no stress.

This is the one place she can be herself.

Look any way she wants, dress any way she wants, think any way she wants.

No game playing, no rules. Games, sports, rules.

Games, sports, rules. Playing by the rules.

Playing games versus playing...

Playing by the rules. Playing games versus playing...

-Why are you nodding? -Because I think you're onto something.

-Am I? -Aren't you?

Well, I was thinking about a play on words.

Something about games versus...

I feel like I was onto something good.

-Playing games versus playing... -Sports?

Yes! Thank you. Do you like any of this?

A lot. I like the idea that you can be yourself on the road.

I do, too. Did I say that out loud?

No, I was just...

"Cause I was circling around the exact same thing,

which is great, that we're both on the same...

Yeah.

Sorry, I'm not thinking straight. My glands may be swollen.

Maybe they should be more swollen. You're doing great.

Nike. No games.

Just sports.

All right. You should write that down.

All right.

Did he come up with that, or did I?

Boy, can I be...

What?

Well, can I be honest with you?

Please do.

Before I came here, I heard you were a tough, chauvinistic prick.

I didn't know you were gonna be that honest.

-Sorry. I'm... Sorry. -No, that's all right.

No, that's okay. You must have looked so forward to meeting me.

I was dreading it. I had this whole other person built up in my mind.

Well, since we're sharing, I heard a few things about you, too.

Yes, I'm sure. I'm the "man-eating bitch Darth Vader" of the ad world.

Verbatim.

Really? All right. Well, nice to meet you.

That's not who I am at all.

Just for the record, I don't think that's who you are.

I don't.

Thank you. I appreciate that.

See, no games equals embarrassing moment.

Don't fall for a guy at work. Don't fall for a guy at work.

-Don't fall for a guy at work. -Why?

Why what?

Why won't... Why don't I just work on these story boards

and then bring them back around to you tomorrow if you're free?

I'm free. Just call me anytime.

I'm flirting. What's wrong with me?

God! I just looked at his penis. ! hope he didn't see me.

Oh, shit! I just looked at it again! Stop it!

-Are you all right? -I'm fine. I just got something in my eye.

All right... So, great.

So tomorrow will be... That'll be great. I'll see you then.

-Good work, by the way. -You, too.

-You sure you're all right? -Yeah, I'm fine.

You laughing at me?

-Yeah. -Good.

I didn't think anyone else was still here.

-I didn't know anyone was still here. -What time is it?

It's after 10:00.

I didn't realize it was so late.

[ Feel so alone.

I didn't catch that. Sorry?

I didn't realize how late it was.

And I'm glad you're here.

I'm stuck. I feel so alone.

You want me to give you a hand with some of this?

No, thanks. I'm okay.

Yeah, I'm not buying it. What's going on?

Well, I have an early meeting tomorrow with Dan,

and I wanted to make it later in the week so that I could be more prepared.

But then I've heard that you slipped in there

and took the only time he had left,

which left me with 8:15 tomorrow morning.

It's fine. I'm just not as ready as I wish I was.

-Sorry. -Listen, you didn't do it on purpose.

I just don't want him to be disappointed.

Hey, why don't we go through some of these together?

-Really? -I insist.

-Unless you're too tired or something. -Oh, no.

-I'm not tired. -Yeah, I can see that.

It's just so far beyond tired at this point.

I've basically stopped sleeping ever since I took this job.

-You have? -Yeah, it's weird. I...

How do I say this?

You don't feel quite like yourself here, do you?

No, I don't. Not yet, anyway.

Boy.

Plus, I'm mad that I'm getting sick.

I never, ever get sick. In fact,

you don't have to sit so close to me if you don't want to.

No, come here. I'll brave it.

So, where do we kick off?

-Control-top panty hose, what do you say? -Okay.

Personally, I think they do the trick.

You've worn control-top panty hose?

-Did you put a pair in the box? -Seriously?

Oh, yeah.

-You are full of surprises. -Yeah.

No, no, no. I mean that as a compliment. I love that.

-And how did you look in them? -Hot.

My daughter and her boyfriend walked in, and I got 'em on with...

And they said what when they saw you in your panty hose?

It was the turquoise Wonderbra they noticed.

And of course, the nail polish on both fingers and toes.

The dress you picked out is totally hideous.

-I'm not coming out. -It can't be that bad. Come on out.

I look like a nun. An ugly nun.

Why? Because it's gray? Gray is the new black.

If he says he likes it, I'll die.

Okay, next.

This, I love.

Thank you. Next.

I think this is the one.

I like that... No, I love that.

Okay, this is it.

Let me take a look.

Yes! [ look older.

This is great. Oh, God, I need boobs.

[I buy a padded bra when he's not around.

[ Can't believe this is what I'll be wearing

the last night I'm a virgin.

Or should I say, what I'll be taking off.

Alex?

I wanna talk to you about something that's pretty important.

-I've never talked to you about... -Oh, God.

He's actually gonna try to be a dad.

This should be hilarious.

I realize I haven't been the perfect dad.

Understatement of the century.

-Can you pass the bread? -Yeah, sure, sure.

But that does not mean I don't have the right

to talk to you about... About...

About?

All right. You're a young woman now,

and you may be flirting with the idea of...

Having sex?

Can I get a lemonade, please?

Well, you know, boys and girls think very differently about sex.

And my hunch is that girls,

they just want guys to like 'em and hang out with 'em.

Whereas guys... And not all guys, all right?

But most guys, they pretty much just wanna have sex.

Okay, I'm... What I'm trying to say here is,

I don't want you to feel pressured

just because your boyfriend's older than you.

Please. Save it.

Mom had this talk with me when I was, like, 11.

I know you're supposed to have sex when you're in love and when it's special.

I know everything.

And Mom knows me for real and knows my friends and knows Cameron,

so let's leave the parental talks up to her, okay?

Plus I promised Cameron I'd do it prom night.

And also, let's not make me part of this Nick makeover

or whatever this new thing you're into is, okay?

-What new thing? -What new thing?

This ridiculous new guy you're trying to be.

Clowning around with me all the sudden? Asking if we can make a salad together?

Watch Friends together?

I mean, it's nuts after 15 years of no relating.

I mean, come on.

Who are you to talk about relationships anyway?

You never had a real relationship with anyone in your entire life.

Look, I'm supposed to meet my friends.

-So I'm gonna go, okay? -Sure.

Thanks for the dress.

She didn't even finish her lunch.

Johnny-come-lately, giving her advice?

-Teenagers. -I think the talk worked.

-She's totally right. -Move on, dude. It's over.

Please.

Now you've seen how the cake is assembled.

The next time you admire a wedding cake, you'll be able to appreciate...

It looks so gorgeous.

Fit, vibrant hair.

I always hated being overweight. I always wanted to be thin and pretty

and wear cute little clothes.

It built and it built, and my health deteriorated.

And I couldn't walk and I couldn't stand

to even stand up at the park for 10 minutes while my kids played.

I tried sitting on the swings, and the chains cut my hips and it hurt.

And I couldn't. I couldn't run and I couldn't move.

And I was tired and I wanted to be a good mom.

What the hell's wrong with me?

-Hello? -What am I doing?

Darcy?

How did you know it was me? I didn't say anything.

I just sensed it.

Shit. I'm such an idiot. [ didn't think he'd be there.

-Excuse me? - I didn't mean to really call you.

I had your number here, and I was thinking of you.

Thinking of calling you.

Obviously, I did call you.

Oh, no, that's all right. I...

I was thinking about you, too.

Well, here's to another great idea.

-What, "Let's meet for a drink"? -Yes.

-Yeah? -That's exactly what I wanted to say.

Sometimes I think you're a bit of a mind reader.

But I don't have to be a mind reader with you.

"Cause you always say what you think.

-I know. It's a curse. -What...

Are you kidding? It's a relief. An enormous relief.

Do you know how rare that is, to actually say what you think?

Do you have any idea how rare it is

for someone to actually like that about me?

Trust me, this has not been a great thing in my life.

My ex-husband didn't love me. Let's just put it that way.

He didn't love you?

Did I just say that?

God!

I meant to say "it." He didn't love it

that I spoke my mind.

If you wanna know the truth, I'm not sure he did really love me.

Yes, there's a conversation starter.

God. A smart person would just get so very drunk now.

How long were you married?

A little less than a year.

I've been divorced about nine months now. We worked together.

-You know that, right? -Yeah. I knew that.

I heard it.

-What was that like? -It was great in the beginning.

But it changed. It became competitive.

Suddenly, the better I did, the worse we did.

The price I pay for being me.

I know that now. No, truly.

No, no, it's true.

Do you wanna know all this about me?

Keep going.

Well, that's why I needed to get out there on my own,

as scary as it was.

I mean, not scary, but...

Well, yeah, I was kind of scared.

-Why? -I don't know.

I guess I wasn't sure I could do the job.

I mean, I thought I could do it,

but I'm finding Sloane-Curtis

a much tougher place to navigate than I thought.

I'm sorry.

This is insensitive of me.

- I know you were up for my job. -No.

-I'm sorry that I'm the one that got it. -I'm not. I'm not.

-I've learned a lot from you. -Like what?

Like what? For starters, you really love what you do.

-You really love what you do. -Not as much as you do.

-It just comes out... -How can you say that?

You're so great at it. You're so great at it.

I think Dan's even wondering why he hired me. Really.

I think the bloom is definitely off the rose.

You wanna hear something really great?

Yeah.

I just closed escrow on my first apartment ever.

Finally, I own my own place.

-What? Now I wish I was a mind reader. -No.

I was just thinking

how men like me can get so screwed up.

I don't think there are men like you.

If we kissed, would it ruin everything?

Listen to me.

I think

you are one of the great women.

I really do. I mean it.

I'm sorry.

But I just meant to say thank you.

I'm so sorry.

Well, I guess I'll see you

in, let's see, three and a half hours.

Nick, may I just say,

you are an exceptionally great kisser.

No, I mean really, really great.

Well, I haven't had this much fun making out since...

I've never had this much fun making out.

Me either.

What do you say we don't let this get weird at work?

-No. -We have nothing to be embarrassed about.

We made out. You and I made out.

-And if I may, it was... -Sexy as hell.

God. That's just what I was about to say.

But I think I said it first, I think.

No, you did.

Well, all right, then.

I'm a grown woman. Just say it.

Do you want to come back to my place?

Say it! Do you want to come...

Good night, Darcy.

Good night.

Good night.

What am I doing?

Lola.

It's okay. Okay. Here he comes.

Lola?

I know I haven't heard from you.

Lola, how long have you been out here?

Just a few hours.

Nick, you said that you wouldn't hurt me.

And then you slept with me, and then you didn't call me for six days.

So that, in the world of me, that's torture.

I mean, we have this totally unbelievable, life-altering sex,

and then you just disappear.

I mean, you stopped drinking coffee!

Lola, I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

It's okay, because I figured out your little secret.

-You did? -It's so obvious when you think about.

How else would you know the things that you know?

-It wasn't obvious to anybody else. -Nick, come on.

You're so sensitive. You're so aware of my feelings.

You're so tuned in.

You talk to me like a woman, you think like a woman.

Nick! Come on! Admit it. You're totally and completely gay.

-I am? -You're not?

I mean, if you're not, you gotta tell me.

Because, I mean, based on the other night...

Just put me out of my misery.

Are you or aren't you?

Say you're gay. Then I'm not nuts. I'm not undesirable.

Not rejected by another guy! Just say it! Say you're gay! Admit it!

Okay.

I'm gay.

How gay?

I'm as gay as it gets.

You're gonna make some guy very happy someday.

From your lips.

God, I hate that I'm crying.

Well, look it.

If things should ever change in that department...

-Well, you'll be the first to know. -You promise?

Yeah, I promise. Come here.

Oh, boy.

Curtis. Hold on, please.

-It was very nice meeting you, Nick. -And you.

Thanks for pep talk, yes?

You two just take care of each other.

-And thanks for the yarmulke. -No problem.

-You wear it well, yes? -Happy trails, kids.

-Isn't he great? -Darcy!

I need to talk to you.

Look at him. I knew it. He is weird about it

This is not about last night. It's about the Nike meeting.

And I honestly believe in my gut

-that you should make the pitch to him. -God.

Oh, God, I guilted you into this last night, didn't I?

No, no. It just think it would be better all-around if you did it.

No, no, no. This is your baby. You've gotta do it.

I gotta go meet and greet these folks. I'll see you in there.

-It's not my baby. -Yes, it is.

I predict no one will even know I'm gone until the files start to build.

It could be days.

And then someone will finally ask,

"Where's the geek in the glasses who carries all the files?”

Do either of you two know what the story is on this Erin girl?

-Miss Lonely Hearts? -Yeah.

Who knows?

I know. She's been here two years.

She tried to be a copywriter but got turned down.

-So she got stuck as a messenger. -What fool turned her down?

You did, sire.

Well, did I ever meet with her at least?

I don't think so.

As I recall, you told me to "blow her off."

Well, I wanna meet with her now.

The kid's got something. She's kind of funny.

This is your lucky day, pal.

I just saw the Nike group get off the elevator.

All women. Your specialty. Come on. I'll walk you up.

I hate what I'm doing to Darcy. I hate it!

I'm gonna write her a long letter, confess everything.

-You're doing Darcy? Since when? -No!

I said I hate what I'm doing to Darcy.

-Men are stupider. It's true. -Will you stop it?

-Well, they are. -What do you mean, "they"?

Are you officially a woman now?

I wish. A woman wouldn't have screwed over the woman she loved.

No, they don't think that way. And another thing.

-You know this thing about penis envy. -Yeah.

Not true. No. They don't envy it.

Half of 'em don't even like it.

You know who has penis envy? We do.

That's why we cheat and screw up and lie,

because we're all obsessed with our own equipment, that's why.

-You ready? -Yeah.

-Okay. -Thanks.

You don't stand in front of a mirror before a run

and wonder what the road will think of your outfit.

You don't have to listen to its jokes and pretend they're funny

in order to run on it.

It would not be easier to run if you dressed sexier.

The road doesn't notice if you're not wearing lipstick.

It does not care how old you are.

You do not feel uncomfortable

because you make more money than the road.

And you can call on the road whenever you feel like it,

whether it's been a day

or even a couple of hours since your last date.

The only thing the road cares about

is that you pay it a visit once in a while.

Nike. No games.

Just sports.

-He nailed it. -They hit a home run.

Where do we sign?

Why are you not the happiest guy in Chicago right now?

You just did so great.

No, I didn't do so great. We did so...

No, actually, you did so great.

-You. -You, me.

We did great!

Will you come with me someplace? I wanna show you something.

No, I have something I really need to finish.

Please?

Please.

Okay. Here you go.

-Come with me. -All right.

-Should I close my eyes or anything? -No.

So, you see those top two floors right there?

I do.

All mine.

Come here.

So this is my

living room.

It's beautiful.

What are you thinking?

You've got that look you have sometimes.

Yeah? No. I was just wondering when you get to move in.

Well, they said two weeks, so...

Okay. This is the dining room.

The fireplace works. Come here.

I can see elegant parties in here. Waiters with caviar,

-you in a beautiful gown. -You can see all that?

Maybe you're naked and I'm the only guest, but it'd still be elegant.

Okay. So this is upstairs.

There's a second bedroom for a future office or whatever.

And this is my boudoir.

Your boudoir comes with pretty decent music.

It does.

Where is that coming from?

Let's turn up the volume.

So, where's your bed going?

Right here.

So, if you had a bed,

we'd be dancing on it.

I like it here.

I like it here, too.

No. I mean, I like it here.

Believe me, we're as excited as you are.

-Dan? I gotta talk to you. -Yeah?

Okay, he'll be there. Bye. I gotta talk to you, too. That was Nike.

They're gonna announce to the trades that we won the account.

I gotta hand it to you. You saved my ass. You saved the company's ass.

Actually, Dan, I had very little to do with saving anybody's ass.

Now, it's Darcy you should be thanking, that's what I want to talk to you about.

Darcy? Please. I was there yesterday. The girl didn't open her mouth.

Look, I'm a big enough man to admit when I screw up.

I looked at the marketplace and I panicked.

Nick, forgive me. I want you to step in here.

No, no, no. Dan, you did the right thing when you hired her.

I mean, she is the best creative director I have ever seen, bar none.

This isn't about... I mean, I know she's adorable.

Yeah, she is.

-But this isn't about that? -No, no. Not like that. No, no.

Please. Look.

I've been doing a lot of listening lately.

And I've decided I need to take a leave of absence.

I mean, I need to get away from here and get some perspective on things.

What are you, nuts? What is this? What do you mean?

This is the biggest account this company has ever landed.

Do you want me to have nobody running the shop?

What are you talking about? Darcy's here.

You know, for somebody who listens a lot, you don't hear so well.

I had a meeting with her today. I sat her down.

-We had a talk. -Dan! You didn't.

-Tell me you didn't fire her. -She didn't even put up a fight.

-Dan, no! -Hey, she's gone, pal.

No, no. It's not too late. Look, call her. Call her back.

Tell her you need her back, you made a mistake. Hire her back.

-Hey, calm down. I can't do that. -Why?

Because I talked to the board and I told them I don't need her anymore.

They offered her a settlement and she took it.

And besides, Nike says they want you. You're what they bought.

I got a delivery... Can I...

Would you come out for one second? Let me tell you something.

My job is to deliver you.

Dan, Nike bought an idea. It wasn't even mine.

Every good idea that they loved yesterday came from her.

And if you don't get Darcy McGuire back in here, and I mean pronto,

the board is gonna be paying you your settlement.

I mean, this is all about saving your ass, right?

Save it.

All right.

Annie, get a hold of Darcy's address, phone number as quick as possible.

-Yeah, sure. -Hey, where's the girl in glasses?

Erin? I don't think she's in today.

Did she call in sick?

I don't think so. She just didn't show up.

Where does she live?

-Does anyone know where Erin lives? -Who's Erin?

And then someone will finally ask,

"Where's the geek in the glasses who carries all the files?”

Hey. Yeah. Did you get a hold of Darcy?

No? Well then, keep trying.

And when you get a hold of her, tell her to stay put.

I'm coming right over. I have to make a little stop on the way.

Do you know where this is?

Down the alley.

Just down the alley.

Thanks.

Come on, Erin. Be there. Please.

Erin?

Hello?

No, no.

"Dear Mom..."

Mr. Marshall! Mr. Marshall?

Yes, Erin. Yes, it's me.

I'm sorry. I really did not mean to scare you. Okay?

I just wanted to come and see how you are.

-How are you? -Mr. Marshall,

if you're here because I didn't show up for work today, I'm sorry.

I was just about to call. I swear.

No, I'm not here because you didn't show up for work.

But I'm here... Well, I...

I bet you're wondering why I am here, huh?

As a matter of fact, I was just thinking that.

I was thinking, "Why is Mr. Marshall here in my bedroom?"

You were thinking that just now?

Yeah, in my head.

I must have water in my ears or something.

But you're, you know, not thinking anything now, are you?

I'm thinking a million things.

Really?

Because, you know, usually I can...

I can...

You are thinking something right this minute?

Mr. Marshall, I am thinking that you are crazier than I am.

I think...

I think I lost...

It's gone.

I'm back.

I'm back.

-Mr. Marshall? -Yeah?

I'm sorry. Is there something I can maybe do for you?

No.

No, Erin...

Actually, I came here to see if I could do something for you.

-For me? -Yeah.

See, the truth is...

The truth...

Erin, the truth is,

I'm glad I got here before you did anything to hurt yourself.

What makes you think that I would do something to hurt myself?

I just sensed it.

Really?

You could sense that?

Well, that's not... That's not good.

Yeah. But the real reason I'm here is because...

Well, here's the thing. The real reason I'm here is because...

As you know, we have the Nike account,

and we have a job opening in our team.

And Darcy McGuire and I, we were just discussing,

really spitballing on who could be great enough to fill that void.

And suddenly, your name popped into my head, and I remembered

that you once applied for a job as a copywriter.

I thought I'd come down here and see if you were still interested.

Didn't you try and meet with me a while back?

Yeah, I tried, but you were unavailable, and then out of town and...

Well, now I'm available.

And as you can plainly see, I'm in town,

so I'm here to take that meeting.

If you're available.

I'm available.

I'm unbelievably available.

Hi, this is Darcy McGuire.

I'm not home right now, So please leave a message.

I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

Darcy? Hi, Darcy, it's Nick.

I'm standing right outside your place here.

I sure wish [ could find you, get a hold of you.

Are you all right? I hope so.

Anyway, so call me when you get this.

I'm on my cell. 555-1226.

I really need to talk to you.

Just making sure you're not there.

You're not, right? No, I didn't think so.

All right, so call me, please. Please.

Bye.

-Darcy? -No, its me.

Gigi? Is everything all right?

-Are you back in town already? -No, not until tomorrow.

Alex called me three times from a pay phone really upset.

Then we got disconnected. What's the matter? Isn't she at the prom?

The prom.

Excuse me. Do you know where Alex Marshall is?

Little tenth grader? Brown hair? About this high?

Yeah, I saw her in the ladies' room. She's been there for, like, an hour.

Alex, are you in here?

Alex, it's me.

What are you doing here?

Oh, honey, I just...

You know, I can't believe that I screwed up.

I wasn't there when you left for the prom.

Yeah, well, that's not why I'm in here, SO you can just go, okay?

Oh, boy, I feel awful. Are you okay? I mean, ...

I just... Come on out. Let me see how you look, at least.

-Come on. -I look like crap!

I already took my hair out and everything.

So, you know, what happened?

Well, if I told you, you'd just freak out, so...

What have you got to lose? Try me.

Okay.

Cameron and his friends, they had this big plan.

They rented this hotel room and...

It was like a suite.

Basically, I promised him that I was gonna...

I can't believe I'm gonna say this to you.

I promised him that I was gonna

sleep with him after the prom.

And like an hour ago,

we were on the dance floor and I said,

"I'm sorry, Cameron. You know, I'm just not ready."

Good. Good girl.

-Dad, come on! -I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Go on.

Then he goes, "Well, the limo, the room and the tux,

"it all cost me 400 bucks."

And I said, "I'm sorry. I'm just not..."

And he cuts me off and he says,

"I never should've asked a stupid sophomore to the prom.

"What a waste."

Then two seconds later,

he goes and meets up with his old girlfriend

and starts making out with her.

I mean, this disgusting slut with a tongue ring.

And then, they were laughing and...

I just can't go out there ever.

-Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you. -Dad!

-What are you doing? -I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

But I am. And believe it or not,

I know what it's like to be a woman.

I mean, it's not as easy as it looks.

But you stood up for yourself.

You know how ahead of the game you are?

Anyway, a guy that treats you like that and talks to you like that, he's not...

Worth my time. Yes, I know.

It's true. He's not.

And he's a total game player, and I hate that.

You are so much smarter than me.

And look at you.

That clown made out with a girl with a tongue ring over you?

Honey, you look beautiful.

Thanks.

Take me home, Dad.

What am I doing? She's not in the refrigerator.

I wonder if it's too late to go over there.

No, of course it's not too late. It's never too late to do the right thing.

That's what I'll do.

I'll go over there and I'll do the right thing.

Hello?

Hi, it's me. I'm glad I found you.

Can I come up?

Darcy? I need to...

Hey.

You need to what? It's 1:00 in the morning.

-I need to talk to you. -Okay.

Thanks.

So, you sleep here now?

I thought I might as well give it a try before I have to sell the place.

Sell it? You're not selling the place.

Can't afford to keep it. I don't have a job.

You know, you ought to try returning some of your phone calls.

-You got your job back. -Do I?

-Yes, you're a riot. You know that? -It's true.

Dan told me so himself.

Why would he tell you that?

I didn't do the job that he hired me to do.

Even I don't blame him for firing me.

Look, I'm... You can come on in.

I don't have any chairs, but if you wanna...

What if I told you that

you did everything that you were hired to do.

Everything.

But that someone was sabotaging you?

Picking your brain, swiping your ideas and...

Well, you never even knew what hit you.

-How is that possible? -Trust me, it's possible.

Well, who would do such an awful thing?

I would.

I was a dope with a corner office.

And when you came with the job I was supposed to have,

I mean, it didn't matter to me that

you were better at it than me or you earned it more than I did.

As far as I was concerned, it was mine, and I was gonna get it back.

And so I took advantage of you in the worst possible way.

Have you ever done that?

Taken the wrong road and... No, of course you haven't.

You wouldn't do that. That's just...

Somebody like me does that.

And...

The problem with that was that while I was digging the hole under you,

I found out all about you.

And the more I found out,

the more you dazzled me.

I mean, shook my world, changed my life, dazzled me.

And guys like that ex-husband of yours, I mean, he made you feel that

the price you pay just for being you

is that you don't get to have love.

Isn't that what you were trying to say the other night?

That you weren't complete?

That you weren't really a winner like that?

Everything about you,

how smart you are, how good you are,

everything just makes me want you even more.

Boy.

So it looks like I'm here at 1:00 in the morning

being all heroic, trying to rescue you,

but the truth is,

I'm the one that needs to be rescued here.

I sure wish I could read your mind.

Well, I was thinking that

if everything you're saying is true,

if I really have my job back,

then I think you're fired.

Well, I never really thought about it from that angle.

Well, not that I don't deserve it. I do.

I'm stuttering.

Now I feel kind of

embarrassed that I told you I needed to be rescued.

But that's fine.

That's it?

I don't want that to be it.

I don't want that to be it at all.

Then don't let a little thing like me firing you stand in your way.

I didn't know what to react to first.

Hey, news flash. I took the wrong road.

What kind of knight in shining armor would I be

if the man I love needs rescuing

and I just let him walk out my door?

My hero.