Original subtitles

in the sky

a piece of the pie

in the kitchen

on the grill

in the big leagues

it's you and me, baby

with that

in the sky

a piece of the pie

WOMAN ON TV: Legs, legs, legs, legs.

Now hips, hips, hips...

Now arms, two, three, four. And...

Reach, reach, reach, reach. Now stop.

Well, that concludes our two-minute warm-up.

Now we're ready to begin our workout.

Okay, Mrs. Jefferson. You all set?

Mrs. Jefferson?

Come on, Mrs. Jefferson, you ain't that tired.

Who said I was tired? I'm not tired.

Well, good. Because they're ready to start.

Hold your arms up.

Oh, Florence, do we have to?

Let's turn off the TV and just relax.

Mmm-mmm. Not a chance.

Now, I'm going to exercise.

I've been promising myself I was gonna start for weeks, and today is the day.

I'm gonna whip myself in shape, and get thin, thin, thin.

WOMAN ON TV: Now, double time. One, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two...

On second thought, don't nobody want a bone but a dog.

And he don't want it if there ain't no meat on it.

Hey, Weez, you know something?

It's amazing the way ideas come.

I was taking the subway home from my Queens store, you know.

And guess what was staring down at me?

Children?

No. A picture of Miss Subways.

You see, every year, they pick a beautiful girl to represent Miss Subways.

So I figured, why not me?

Well, if you expect to have any chance at all, you'll have to shave off the moustache.

No, Weez. I mean a Miss Jefferson Cleaners promotion.

I mean, everybody will get to know Jefferson Cleaners.

Oh, George. I don't know.

Well, it worked once. Everybody knows about the subway.

Yeah and it's better than that Valentine's Day promotion.

Remember? "Half off for anybody named Cupid."

How's this for a promotion?

Take this dry cleaning into my bedroom or half off your next paycheck.

I'm telling you, Weez, Miss Jefferson Cleaners

is gonna be bigger than the Bicentennial!

Oh, George, I hate the idea.

It's just exploiting women for your own gain.

You say it like it's bad.

Look, women have come a long way.

And they don't appreciate being treated as sex objects.

Why, today we have women scientists, women governors, even women astronauts...

Yeah. But I want somebody good looking.

George, don't you understand? Women don't want to be

looked at like pieces of meat?

Oh, yeah? Then how come you can walk to the plainest woman in the world

and say to her, "You sure are looking good today," and she'd say, "Thank you."

Oh, go on, George.

Hey, Florence, you sure are looking good today.

Why thank you, Mr. Jefferson.

Well, George, since you're so hung up on looks,

I assume that you're not going to even bother with anything like a talent competition.

Of course there's going to be a talent competition.

It'll give the audience a chance to stretch their legs

before the swimsuit competition.

So you're really going through with this beauty contest, huh?

Isn't that the most sexist thing you ever heard of?

Absolutely.

And I got a friend Ernestine, whose daughter would be perfect.

I'm gonna call her.

Does she look anything like Ernestine?

Spitting image. Great. Have her gallop on by.

George, having a beauty contest is a big decision.

I can't believe that you didn't talk it over with me first.

I am talking to you.

Every time something important happens, I talk to you before I talk to anybody else.

Mr. J, this beauty contest of yours is a smashing idea!

So, I would be the first person you'd talk to, huh?

Hey, I hung a sign up in Charlie's Bar.

I didn't talk to nobody.

What do you want?

Well, actually I've come to ask you a favor.

You see, I have a friend named Sophia...

Forget it, Bentley. I ain't taking no bribes.

Please, Mr. J. You don't know how much this could mean to me.

What are you talking about? Have you ever been in love?

No.

George.

Relax, Weez. I thought he meant recently.

But you know what it's like to yearn for a woman.

Well, that's how I feel about Sophia.

We've only just recently met, but I know she's the one for me.

She's so sweet, so pure, so innocent.

How do you know that? It says so right in here.

Look, Bentley, Miss Jefferson Cleaners has to be more than just pretty.

She's gotta have talent. Oh, Mr. J...

I mean other than that, Bentley.

I can assure you, Mr. J, there's a lot more to Sophia than just these pictures.

She can be so warm, so intelligent and, depending upon

the outcome of this contest, so affectionate.

Look, okay. I'll tell you what, I can't promise you anything,

but I'm holding auditions tonight.

Can she be here in about three hours?

With wings on her feet.

Well, that's more than she's wearing in the picture.

You won't be sorry about this, Mr. J.

Ah, listen,

when they asked her what her favorite tree was, she said, "The Christmas."

Aw.

George, I appeal to your sense of decency one last time.

Please stop this beauty contest.

I can't do that, Weez.

I've got a bunch of contestants coming over here tonight.

So no matter what I say you're still going on with this, right?

Right. Even though you know I disagree with you.

Weez, I've got to.

Then in that case, I know this lovely young lady Dorothy at the Help Center...

Oh no, not you too, Weez.

She's kind of shy, but if I ask her I think she would...

Now, remember, Sophia, the sole judge of this contest

is my very best friend.

How can I forget? You keep telling me every five minutes.

Okay, ladies, now before we discuss the contest rules.

Hi. Hi.

Uh, I'd like for you to take a moment to reflect on what it means to

spend a year of your life as Miss Jefferson Cleaners.

Anyway...

The main job for Miss Jefferson Cleaners is to symbolize the work we do.

Clothes come to us dirty, and soiled, and when we're done with them

we send them back fresh and pure as the driven snow.

And that is what I want Miss Jefferson Cleaners to be, as pure as the driven snow.

Now that's honesty.

But back to the contest. Now, contestants will not

be judged on beauty and talent alone.

You will also being judged on essay,

"What In By Nine, Out By Five" means to me.

Hang in there. That could be the press.

Hi, Mr. Jefferson. I'm Terri Monroe. Ernestine's daughter.

What? You're Ernestine's daughter? Mmm-hmm.

Well, you certainly have her, uh, same number of arms.

So, tell me, Terri, what do you do for a living?

Model or actress? No, actually, I go to law school.

Law school? A girl with your looks, you could have been a stewardess.

But that's okay. What's done is done. Come in. Have a seat.

Okay, now,

ladies and gentlemen,

I am the only judge and the jury.

And I ain't taking no bribes or favors.

You see, I happen to be a wealthy, handsome, happily married man.

And I've never been happier than at this very moment.

So,

I want you to take this entry form that my happily married wife will give you,

into the kitchen to fill out. Okay?

Here you are, Dorothy. Thank you.

GEORGE: Everybody gets one, Weez.

Well, okay, into the kitchen, girls.

Sorry, Mr. Bentley. Contestants only.

That's a wonderful rule, Mrs. J.

I'd better go and check for imposters.

Jefferson. Mr. Whittendale!

To what do I owe this honor?

Well, I'd just like to say congratulations on your store's tenth anniversary.

You're doing so well just at the time your lease expires.

Well, thank you, what lease? Your store's, Jefferson.

Happy anniversary. Your new lease.

Oh, well thank you. I hope it'll be another 10 years.

I'm sure. Oh, and I heard about your beauty contest.

I think it's a marvelous idea.

Oh, thank you very much. But now about this lease...

Almost as marvelous as an idea I had,

making my niece the winner.

Your niece? Look, I'm sorry, Mr. Whittendale but

I'm running this contest honestly and on the level.

Jefferson!

Anyway, I asked her down here to meet you.

Cherry!

Is this gonna take long? I've got a friend whose stitches I gotta take out.

Uh, Mr. Whittendale, can I speak to you a minute in private.

Certainly. Cherry, you stand right here.

And put away that cigar.

You'll set off the smoke alarm.

Look, Mr. Whittendale, with all due respect to you and your niece,

what did you say her name was, Scary?

Cherry. Well, whatever.

But, uh, you see, I decided to run this contest a different way.

Um, I just wanted Miss Jefferson Cleaners to be a little more, well, cleaner.

I mean, not that there's anything wrong with Cherry, you understand.

I mean, I'm sure she's a lovely, sweet, charming...

Oh, come off it, Jefferson. She's refuse.

Yes sir, she is.

But the winner nonetheless.

I don't mean to mean to throw a wrench into things, Jefferson.

But Cherry has to win for private, personal reasons.

Oh, because of the psychological effect it may have on her?

No. I'm thinking of my life.

And the creative ways my wife will find to end it if Cherry doesn't win.

Look, Mr. Whittendale, I'm sorry.

But I've gotta run the contest the way I want.

I understand.

That is just exactly the way I run my buildings.

You know, she might make a good Miss Jefferson Cleaners.

Thank you, Jefferson. In the meantime, I'll hold on to this.

And you hold on to that.

So, Cherry, tell me,

why do you want, to be Miss Jefferson Cleaners?

What difference does it make? I'm gonna win anyway.

Well, you've got poise, I'll give you that.

CHERRY: Are we through?

Look, just one more thing. Um...

For the sake of the contest,

you will be given a three minutes to do some kind of a talent thing.

Do you have some talent?

Yeah. I got talent.

Well, can we talk about it? I mean there might be kids at the show, you know.

Well, girls we'll see you next week.

And there will be no favoritism.

And everything will be on the up and up.

So Dorothy, good luck and for the rest of you, goodbye.

Sophia, I'm sorry I corrected your entry form.

But where it said "eyes," they meant what color, not how many.

Uh, George, what is this?

Oh, I'm sorry. Weez, I forgot to tell you, this is Cherry.

She's one of the beauty contestants.

I'm not just a contestant, okay. I'm the winner.

Well, that's a very good attitude.

Because if you don't think you're going to win, then no one will.

I know I'm gonna win.

My uncle just bought this guy.

Right, bro?

George, can I see you for a moment?

No.

George! Okay, okay.

Look, while you're gone, I'm just going to be setting up my talent, okay?

Good.

Hey. This talent of yours. Does it have any fire in it?

No. Go ahead.

Hey. Yeah?

George, what does she mean, that her uncle bought this guy?

I'll explain it to you later, Weez.

Where are you going?

I said I'll explain it to you later. Not now.

Spill it, George.

Who is her uncle?

Mr. Whittendale.

I should've known.

Look, Weezy, he said he's gonna tear up my lease if she wasn't the winner.

Lease or no lease, you're responsibility to run this contest fairly.

I'm running it fairly. The only difference between my contest is that

I picked the winner first.

And she says she has talent.

CHERRY: Ready! See? Everybody's got some kind of a talent.

Weezy, look. She's gonna be all right. Look, I promise.

I've seen it done with eight dominoes, but never ten.

Thank you, thank you, contestant number four.

MRS. JEFFERSON: Encore! Encore!

Thank you, contestant number four. That was very inspirational.

Why, thank you. Say what?

I said thank you.

Sorry, I couldn't hear you. Moving right along to our next contestant,

Miss Cherry Whitten...

And Cherry will show us her, well, we'll see. Cherry, it's all yours.

I knew that last week.

No, I mean it's time to perform.

Oh, okay. I'll need a couple of minutes to set up.

That should give everybody a chance to cop a major buzz.

Yes, guys, she's single.

Cherry'll be with you in a moment.

George, now you know my feelings about this.

Now I want this contest to be run fairly.

Is there any chance of you surprising me?

No.

Charlie, will you give me a double, please?

Sure, Mr. Jefferson.

Look, Charlie. I need some help with this contest.

Oh, Mr. Jefferscn, not to worry.

I mean no matter who you pick your cleaners will be well represented.

Unless of course you wind up with that lox on stage by mistake.

Hey, is that any way to talk about Miss Jefferson Cleaners?

What? Oh, wait a minute, I get it, if she's the winner,

she must have one hell of a talent, right?

Go on, Charlie, you think anybody's gonna believe that that's talent?

Not the way I water down my drinks here.

Okay, now I'm going for a new North American record, 12 dominoes.

What moxey!

Mr. Jefferson, why her?

I'll give you a hint, Charlie, her last name is Whittendale.

Oh, Whittendale, uh-huh. Hey Mr. Jefferson, between you and me,

I mean, don't you think it's about time you told

Whittendale to stop pushing you around.

I mean so the guys got money and power.

But it's up to guys like you and me to show him he's

no different from the rest of us.

I mean he owns this building, right? Who cares?

Me, I treat him like any other customer.

Bartender, another drink.

Yes sir, Mr. Whittendale, sir.

Premium scotch, sir, on the rocks and, of course, on the house.

And may I say sir, that's a beautiful tie you're wearing tonight, sir...

All right, so sue me. I like the guy.

A lot of help you are. I know what I've gotta do.

Mr. J, Now I know you're terribly busy emceeing and judging.

But if I might have a word with you, just a word?

Yeah? Pleeease!

Get out of my way.

Very good, Cherry. All right.

Cherry, ladies and gentlemen. Okay, now,

moving right along to our final contestant, Miss Terri Monroe...

Look, Terri, you can throw in the towel, if you want,

I mean that domino act is a pretty tough act to follow.

Oh, no, Mr. Jefferson. I'll sing.

Okay.

Here she is singing.

Shh...

was there

steady rain

Thank you.

Terri Monroe.

Okay, now ladies and gentlemen.

I'll tabulate the votes and pick the winner. Thank you.

Oh boy, Terri? Yes, Mr. Jefferson?

Look Terri, I just wanted you to know that as I far as I'm concerned,

you can win any beauty contest.

That's very sweet of you...

But not this one.

You see, I'm in a kind of a jam.

I know all about your lease, Mr. Jefferson.

Florence explained the situation to me.

She did? Yeah, and I understand what you have to do.

Then, why'd you compete?

Because it's fun. And if people'll listen, I love to sing.

But anyway, thanks for the chance.

And I sure hope your publicity works out for you.

Why, thanks.

It really was fun. Oh, good.

Okay, now, will the five finalists please come up on stage?

Okay, now.

The judge, that's me, has made the decision.

Okay...

We'll begin with our second runner-up,

Miss Sophia LaRue and Binky.

Now, wait, Sophia, Binky!

Best friend, huh?

But the 12 dominoes, I mean...

Twelve dominoes...

And the first runner-up, who will perform all the duties of Miss Jefferson Cleaners

should the winner be unable to complete her reign is...

Miss Dorothy Taylor.

I'm so excited!

And now the moment we've all been waiting for...

the winner, the new Miss Jefferson Cleaners 1984 is...

Miss...

Terri Monroe!

Jefferson!

Oh, shut up!

Now, George, calm down.

I'm sure once Mr. Whittendale thinks about all this for awhile, he'll understand.

He's not going to throw you out.

He tore up my lease and threw it in the air, Weez.

Well, you don't want to rent from a litterbug anyway.

Jefferson. Look, Mr. Whittendale!

The reason... Save it.

I've already taken the liberty of drawing up another lease.

Beg your pardon?Ugh. You amaze me, Jefferson.

I tried to intimidate you.

But you weren't afraid to stand up to me. I admire that.

Well, Mr. Whittendale, that's the kind of guy I am. I mean, I'm not...

Quiet. Yes, sir.

Actually, it was my wife who insisted that Cherry win.

She and Cherry have been spoiled their entire lives.

But you showed them that things don't always go their way.

That some people just can't be bought, and I admire that too.

So if you wouid just sign these...

Ha, sure!

Well, Mr. Whittendale, I just hope this hasn't caused

too much of a problem within your family.

Oh, no. Not at all.

In any case, they'll just have to learn that nobody rides for free in this life.

Not even a Whittendale.

Well, I can understand their disappointment.

Maybe I could invite them for coffee and explain.

Don't bother. They were so upset over Cherry's having lost,

I had to send the two of them on a Caribbean cruise for a month.

Thank you.

Uh, but then aren't they riding for free after all?

No, they're not. I added the cost of the cruise to your husband's rent.

Paragraph two, Section seven, Clause three.

Welcome back, Jefferson.