Original subtitles

X-timestamp-map=local:00:00:00.000,mpegts:9000

[ thunder crashing ]

[ drilling, sawing ]

[ electricity crackling ]

>> it's alive!

>> gentlemen, what you're about To see must not leave this room.

[ snaps fingers ]

>> dallas, 1963!

There is a cat!

Moscow, 1991!

There is a cat!

Here are some stairs!

There is a cat!

New orleans, 2005!

There is a cat!

>> so, what we're seeing is that

We're being observed or

Manipulated by a cat.

>> or a number of cats.

>> what can we do about it?

>> nothing!

You can do nothing!

[ all screaming ]

>> all: goodbye, harry!

>> [ grunts sadly ]

[ grunts loudly ]

>> oh, my god!

Are you okay?

>> [ grunts sleepily ]

Ugh?

>> oh, hi, you're awake.

I'm sally williams.

Sorry about hitting you.

>> oh, uh-huh.

>> and then my second boyfriend

Ever, lorenzo, what an Egomaniac.

I mean, all he cared about was Lacrosse.

Why don't guys call you back

The next day?

>> [ groans ]

>> I mean, I am so tired of Playing games.

Okay, you know what makes me Laugh?

>> unh?

>> how guys don't know when

Women are faking orgasms.

>> huh?

>> [ scoffs ] You don't know

What I'm talking about?

[ moaning ] Oh! Ohhhh! Ohhhhh!

>> [ grunting ]

>> oh! Oh!

>> [ grunts furiously ]

>> oh, whoa!

Okay, harry, whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Okay.

Okay, it's okay.

>> [ panting ]

Easy. Relax.

>> and what will you have?

>> I'm good.

>> so, we've been married for 10 Years.

A lot of my friends think it's

Weird, me [bleep] A bigfoot.

But love is blind, right?

>> [ sniffs ]

>> you're -- you're not gonna

Eat that meatball sandwich out

In the open are you?

Be careful!

>> [ grunts ]

[ tone sounds ]

[ grunting ]

[ tone sounds ]

[ baby cooing ]

>> oh, she's just so precious!

Who's precious?

Yes, you are!

Oh! Oh. Ugh.

>> ahhhhh.

[ turtle munching ]

>> see you jizzbags later!

>> when "Lord of the rings"

Author j.R.R. Tolkien passed on,

Many thought middle earth had

Come to an end.

But recently researchers found

A half-finished manuscript --

A sequel to "Lord of the rings."

When, on direct orders

From tolkien's will,

His 6-year-old grandson,

J.R.R. Tolkien junior jr.,

Finished the novel and the movie

Was made, fans hoped

Middle earth would rise again.

Here now we present a

Never-before-seen sneak peak of

"Lord of the rings: the final

Journey."

[ somber flute music plays ]

>> oh, merry, I miss

Mr. Frodo already.

>> me too, pippin.

Frodo was a dear, dear friend.

I like to eat poop.

Hey, look, it's gandalf!

[ horse whinnies ]

>> merry, pippin...

We are not safe!

A dark menace rises to the east.

Duckies go "Quack."

Cows go "Moo."

[ moo! ]

I want ice cream.

[ oink! ]

Verily, will you hobbits join

My quest?

>> both: yes, mr. Gandalf.

>> what about you,

Hannah montana?

>> ♪ I like macaroni

And cheese ♪

>> I want poop!

These f-16s will take us as

Far as the erendor river, then

We'll have to find the bridge of

Larakaei.

>> quickly!

Everyone make jet noises with

Your mouth!

[ all imitating jets whooshing ]

>> moo!

>> the 3-headed peanut butter

And jelly monster is too

Powerful, and I like to eat

Poop, poop, poop, poop, poop,

Poop, poop, poop, poop!

>> I don't want to do my

Homework.

>> let's all sing "The muffin

Man."

>> all: ♪ oh, do you know the

Muffin man? ♪

♪ the muffin man,

The muffin man ♪

♪ oh, do you know the muffin ♪

[ zip! Sproing! Zoom! Zing! ]

[ chattering and growling ]

[ meow! ]

You shall not poop, poop, poop,

Poop, poop, poop!

>> I'm sorry. What the --

[ tone sounds ]

>> [ screams ]

>> aah! Get it off!

>> [ groans ]

[ groaning ] Uh-oh.

[ groaning ]

[ whistle! ]

Aaaaah!

[ thud! ]

Waaaaah!

[ smack! ]

[ panting ]

Aaaaah!

[ whistle! ]

Aah! [ grunts ]

[ whistle! ]

Aaah!

[ grunting ]

Aaaaaaaah...

[ splat! Crash! ]

>> [ screaming ]

[ dialing ]

>> [ speaking alien language ]

[ both grunt ]

>> [ groans ]

[ breathing heavily ]

[ siren wails ]

[ tires screech ]

[ crash! ]

[ door hinges creak ]

>> my name is murray and ain't

Nobody gonna tell me how to

Conjugate verbs!

>> hi, I'm steve.

>> hey. Rachel.

>> so, what's your major?

>> philosophy.

>> oh, lots of demand for that

In the workplace, huh?

[ record scratches ]

>> clear the area!

This is hurt locker.

Got a guy just stepped on a land

Mine.

>> actually, my father had a

Philosophy degree.

>> okay, buddy.

Just stay calm.

>> oh, he must be very proud of

You.

>> that's it. Steady.

>> actually, he's dead.

>> oh, my god!

It's clicked and ready to blow!

I've only got seconds to defuse

This!

>> "I'm sorry to hear that."

>> good.

>> "It must have been hard."

>> hang in there. Hang on.

>> how did he die?

>> he couldn't get a job, and he

Killed himself.

>> don't you [bleep] Move, man!

>> [ muffled laughing ]

[ laughing ]

>> I'm sorry, man!

I'm sorry!

I just wasn't good enough.

>> w-what?!

Nooooooooooo!

>> get back!

>> rock biter?

I've lost my luck dragon,

And I --

>> they look like big, strong

Hands, don't they?

That's what I always thought.

But my little friends --

I couldn't hold onto them.

>> that's terrible, but falcor

Needs me, and I --

>> the nothing pulled them right

Out of my hands -- my big,

Strong, good hands.

>> you know, the more you talk

About how great your hands are,

The harder it is to believe you

Couldn't hold on to your

Friends.

>> I was hoping the soliloquy

About my hands would keep you

From asking any questions.

>> yeah, I was almost getting

Choked up, but then I was like,

"What?

Rock biter's talking way too

Much about his hands, yo."

>> they all bullied me pretty

Bad.

Replace the "R" in my name with

A "C" and you're getting a good

Idea of what I put up with.

Yeah, I didn't even try to hold

On to them, actually.

I just watched them and waved.

>> I don't have time for a

neverending story.

>> [ chuckles ] Good one.

High-five.

>> not on your life.

>> uh, meow.

I need a gun and make sure it

Holds nine bullets. Meow.

>> ♪ I was born in the world

Of video games ♪

>> ♪ and I've been lonely

Ever since ♪

♪ everyone's trying to

Save the princess ♪

♪ but who's gonna save

The prince? ♪

♪ I'm the first person in

A video game ♪

♪ to admit I like

The pole position ♪

♪ so I'm calling other gay

Characters to join me in my

Mission to come out and say ♪

>> all: you're gay!

>> ♪ I'm zangief ♪

♪ what a relief

To say I like guy-on-guy ♪

♪ you used to watch me

Stick guys in my crotch ♪

>> [ muffled ] Hyuken?

>> ♪ and now you understand

Why ♪

>> all: I'm gay!

>> ♪ I am cloud strife,

Don't have a wife ♪

>> all: ♪ his strife! ♪

>> ♪ my final fantasy is

To wear women's clothes ♪

♪ hot tub with bros

And give them my h.P. ♪

Uh, that means "Hard penis."

>> all: we're gay!

>> ♪ I'm parappa the rappa,

And I'm filled with love ♪

♪ my friend p.J.

Gives me a big hug ♪

♪ and I squeeze real hard,

And I "Hold on tight" ♪

♪ but he pushes me away 'cause

He thinks it's not right ♪

>> ♪ please don't judge,

I pack the fudge ♪

♪ I chase ghosts

Down the halls ♪

You never guessed? ♪

>> yes!

>> ♪ I'm obsessed ♪

>> obsessed!

>> ♪ with munching on

The balls ♪

Ooh!

>> ♪ we're finally proud

To say "We're gay!" ♪

♪ plug your controller in and

Let's begin ♪

♪ to start a brand-new day ♪

♪ play with your wii, grab your

Sexbox, gaystation 3 ♪

♪ and maybe you'll see that

It's okay to be as gay as ♪

>> me!

[ applause ]

>> ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk

Bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk

Bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk

Bawk bawk ♪

Ba-gawk! Bawk.