Original subtitles

X-timestamp-map=local:00:00:00.000,mpegts:9000

[ thunder crashing ]

[ drilling, sawing ]

[ electricity crackling ]

>> it's alive!

[ richard strauss's "Also sprach Zarathustra" plays ]

[ clanking ]

>> well, sell the derivatives

From the german account, not From the --

[ beep ]

Oh, hey, doug, my cellphone's About to go --

[ beep ]

Oh [bleep]

Wharoo!

[ panting ] Wharoo!

Wharoo!

[ bell chimes ]

>> all those things I can do,

All those powers, and I couldn't

Even save him.

>> huh.

Guess I shouldn't have doubled

Down on that kfc double down.

[ rapid heartbeat ]

Hmm.

[ groans ]

>> pa!

[ gasps ] Oh, no!

Uh...Uh...

Whoa! Not good!

Not good!

Um...Oh, compressions!

Maybe start compressions.

>> [ groans ]

>> [ inhales sharply ]

Oh, if I can just...

Sorry, dad.

Just -- oh, no!

Uh, sparky, come back here!

Sorry, pa.

>> doctor [inhales sharply]

My penis doesn't work.

>> what do you mean?

Like it won't go "Wee-wee-wee"

Or it won't go

"Boi-oi-oi-oi-oing!"?

>> hmm.

[ rap music plays ]

>> ♪ oats ♪

♪ oats, oats, oats, oats, oats,

Oats, oats-oats-oats-oats oats

Oats-oats ♪

♪ oats, oats, oats,

Oats-oats-oats oats, oats ♪

♪ oats, oats, oats, oats, oats ♪

>> ♪ we've only got one life ♪

>> oats!

>> ♪ we've got to

Live it right ♪

>> ♪ oats, oats ♪

>> ♪ throw up your hands, keep

Reachin' for the spotlight ♪

>> ♪ whoa ♪

>> ♪ baby, you're a king,

You're a superstar ♪

♪ baby, just show me

Where the oats are ♪

>> oats!

>> ♪ oats are ♪

>> oats!

>> ♪ oats, oats, oats, oats,

Oats, oats-oats-oats-oats

Oats, oats-oats ♪

♪ oats, oats, oats, oats, oats,

Oats ♪

♪ oats, oats, oats,

Oats-oats-oats-oats ♪

♪ oats, oats, oats, oats ♪

>> now, rihanna, we're gonna

Learn to canter.

You'll need to know this for

Your new video.

>> I changed my mind.

Horses are dumb as hell.

I don't want my video to have

A dumb-ass horse in it.

>> [ gasps ]

[ crunch! ]

>> oh, man!

My neck! My legs! My feet!

My arms! I can't feel anything!

My [bleep] Body's numb!

>> ♪ oats, oats, oats, oats,

Oats, oats-oats oats oats... ♪

[ mid-tempo music playing ]

>> "Twilight" the game!

Raaaaaaaaaargh!

>> approaching bank robbers in

their getaway tank, michael.

I recommend jumping over it.

>> I love you, kitt!

[ explosions, tires screech ]

[ people cheering ]

>> we saved that busload of

nuns, kitt, by jumping over it.

>> I love you, michael knight!

[ tv shuts off ]

Man, I wish you were real, kitt.

We'd have some awesome

Adventures.

[ yawns ]

We'd fight all my enemies...

And murder them.

So cool.

So...Cool.

[ engine revs ]

[ gasps ] Wow!

I'm knight rider!

I'm knight ri-- aww, wait a

Minute.

Oh, you're that crappy kitt from

That crappy "Knight rider"

Remake from a few crappy years

Ago!

>> greetings, michael.

Let's go on an adventure.

>> no, no, no, no, no!

Wake me up right now!

>> please stop.

>> wake me up!

>> please stop.

>> no! Let me out!

>> michael.

>> no, no, no! Let me out!

>> please stop. Michael.

>> no! You suck ass!

All you did in the whole pilot

Episode was drive extra fast!

It was boring!

[ crying ] Let me out!

>> fine.

Hope you like ejector seats.

[ beeping, buzzing ]

I don't seem to have an ejector Seat.

>> boring!

>> "Knight rider."

A shadowy flight --

>> go die, please.

>> aww.

>> having a bad day?

>> my stupid dream has the wrong

"Knight rider" car in it.

>> oh. What'll it be?

>> hey...Can I have lobster with Lots of butter sauce and oreo

Ice cream served on a cookie the Size of my head?

Mmm!

>> uh...We don't have that.

>> but...This is a dream!

>> yeah, but we kind of blew our

Budget on that.

>> greetings, michael.

>> damn it!

>> welcome back, michael.

>> [ sighs ] Hi, val kilmer.

>> shall I turn into a pickup Truck?

I can do that.

>> [ sarcastically ] Wow.

One of your amazing features

Is hauling cargo.

>> I can also turn from this

Kind of mustang into another

Kind of mustang.

>> ugh, do whatever.

I'm going to take a nap.

>> you can't take a nap in a Dream!

>> of course you can.

Didn't you see inception?

Only 100 million people saw it.

It was so cool.

[ yawning ] So...Cool.

Oh, my gosh!

I'm in the real kitt!

You're the real knight rider!

>> are you ready to [bleep] Do This?

>> hell, yes!

>> press my turbo boost button.

>> I will!

Yeah!!

Yeah!!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah!!

[ people screaming ]

I love you, real kitt.

>> oh. Ouch.

>> [bleep] You, val kilmer.

>> swat your balls?

Get a good ball swatting.

Who doesn't want their balls

Swatted?

Come on, why don't you take

Those pants right down?

There you go, there you go.

Let me swat those balls!

>> may this golden spike

Symbolize the power of the

Railroad, which will last

Forever!

At least until people stop

Giving a [bleep] About trains,

Which I predict will never

Happen!

>> today, that golden spike

Resides at the who gives a

[bleep] Museum, located directly

Up my ass.

>> decepticons! Attack!

What?

>> ♪ mr. Mouth ♪

♪ open, close your mouth ♪

♪ got a real pretty mouth ♪

♪ like your mouth ♪

♪ maybe I'll just take you

In another room ♪

♪ let's have a date in here,

Mr. Mouth ♪

♪ gonna have a party

Inside your mouth ♪

>> hello, spock.

Nice to meet you.

I'm you, 30 years older, from

The future.

>> how did you get here?

>> through a black hole.

Listen, in 10 years, you'll

Fight against an evil klingon

Named klorg.

>> all right.

>> and he'll swing his bat'leth

To the right.

So dodge left and you will

Avoid spending a week in the

Hospital.

>> oh, thank you.

>> oh, and also in about seven

Years, dj zumura will release a

Greatest hits album and it's

Awesome, so you should

Definitely get that.

>> okay.

>> but then two years after

That, they're going to release a

Dj zumura compilation album, and

Even though it has a different

Cover, it has all the same

Songs, so don't buy it.

>> all right.

Not life-threatening, per se,

But good to know.

>> do not go down that hallway.

>> who are you?

>> I'm you, five minutes in the

Future.

Three minutes from now, kirk is

Gonna drop a monumental deuce in

The hallway bathroom.

>> sure.

>> and it's gonna smell really,

Really bad.

Trust me.

So, just maybe take another

Hallway.

>> okay, thanks.

>> spock.

>> who are you, my sister?

>> no, I'm you, spock.

One night 12 years from now, you

Have one too many zingaro shots,

Lose a bet, and get a sex Change.

>> why is old spock a man?

>> I changed back.

There are some problems with

The equipment, though.

Not going to lie.

>> hey, spock.

>> don't tell me.

You're me, from the future, but

Somehow I turn into an

Overweight black guy.

>> uh, no, I'm ernie.

Just heading down the hallway.

Live long and bite me.

Damn, someone set their phaser

To stank back here!

>> I don't understand.

Why are all you spocks meeting

Me at this exact moment?

>> didn't you get the note?

It's all of our birthdays.

We're throwing a surprise

Birthday party for super-old Spock.

He turns 2,000 years old today,

And this was the best place we

Could all meet up.

Are all the other spocks

Ready?

>> ready!

>> it seems so illogical to

Travel through time to this

Location.

>> happy birthday!

>> [ groans ]

>> [ monotone ] Go spock.

It's your birthday.

It is the day of your birth.

>> by the year 2013, due to an

Insatiable desire of audiences

Everywhere, almost every

Television show involved

Vampires, and the ones that

Didn't failed miserably.

Now we offer you a glimpse of

This very bloody future.

>> this week on

"Vampire medical"...

>> gunshot wound.

He's losing blood fast.

>> let's get him a blood

Transfusion, stat.

>> we're all out of blood again,

Doctor.

>> damn it!

Who here keeps drinking all

The blood?

All right, we're probably gonna

Lose him, then.

Might as well get together and

Drink all of his blood.

[ shink! ]

[ all hiss ]

>> aaaaaaah!

>> is it "I want to suck your

[bleep]"?

[ laughter ]

>> help! Help me!

>> we've got to save that kid!

>> we can't!

We'll be burned in the sunlight!

>> I'm wearing spf 100.

I'll give it a shot.

[ panting ]

[bleep]

>> it's 3 and 2 to derek jeter.

Here's the pitch, and...

It's a base hit straight up the

Middle but jeter trips on his

Cape!

So does rodriguez!

Martinez runs to make what

Should be an easy stop, and he

Trips on his cape, too!

Again, the cape issue rears its

Ugly head in major league

Baseball.

>> ow!

>> it's literally impossible to

Make good pasta without garlic.

But since I'm a vampire or

Whatever, I don't use garlic,

Because vampires don't use

Garlic and my producer said I

Need to be a vampire.

This is ridiculous.

Do I really need to be a

Vampire?

>> yeah, martha,

It's a network rule.

Sorry, got to --

Yeah it's vampire.

>> fine, I'm a stupid vampire.

[ shink! ]

[ hisses ]

>> vampires are very big right Now.

Would you say reo speedwagon

Are a lot like vampires?

You know, 'cause you suck?

>> [ sighs ]

Oh, great, another ambush Interview.

[ whistles ]

Hey, bring the speedwagon Around.

We're out of here.

>> ♪ you've got to go with the

Flow when there's nowhere to go

And your music flows, yeah ♪

♪ yeah, your music flows ♪

>> whoo!