Original subtitles

X-timestamp-map=local:00:00:00.000,mpegts:9000

[ thunder crashing ]

[ drilling, sawing ]

[ electricity crackling ]

>> it's alive!

>> hyah! Hyah!

I, kratos, the god of war, feed

The blades of chaos with the

Blood orbs of your souls!

[ needle scratches ]

>> quickly, kratos, pleasure

Your lovers and receive a bounty

Of blood orbs.

>> uh...One of them's a dude.

>> what's the problem?

You're in greece.

>> I'm not sleeping with a

Dude!

>> surely you would at least

Let him watch if I offered you

1,000 blood orbs.

>> the blades of chaos are

Thirsty.

I could not turn that down.

>> then let's make it 1,500 and

He gets to play with your balls.

>> what do you think I am?

>> we've already established

What you are.

Now we're just negotiating.

>> oh, I see what you did there.

Very smug and demeaning.

>> I'm just gonna throw this out

There -- 2,000 blood orbs.

Anything goes.

>> [ sighs ]

All right.

You're not gonna watch, are you?

>> only as long as I need to.

>> eh, nah.

[ splash! ]

>> sweetie, I'm home.

Honey?

Sharon, what happened?

[ crack! ]

>> oh, good. You're awake.

>> who's there?

>> don't you know?

Oh, no, that's right, you

Wouldn't know my voice, would

You?

'cause you never even heard me

Scream.

Now you remember me?

Not so fast!

>> look, I don't know what you

Want.

>> what I want?

I want my life back, you son of

A bitch!

Now sit down.

Have a bite.

>> I'm not -- I'm not hungry.

>> and I'm not asking.

This is what you wanted, right?

>> uh-huh.

>> a nice piece of fish?

I guess I wasn't big enough for

You, was I?

So you take and you take and

You take and you don't care who

You hurt along the way.

Look what you did to me!

I died that day!

>> but th-th-that was just

This morning.

>> take a [bleep] Bite.

Mmm. Good, huh?

>> sharon!

>> at least the sharks make it

Quick.

You can't blame 'em 'cause you

Feel no pain.

But you -- you don't even have

The stones to finish what you

Started.

>> that's where you're wrong.

[ zap! ]

[ gunshot ]

Ow! [bleep]

>> hello!

Welcome to my pipe store, sir!

>> hey!

You're the white rap kid from

90210!

You're brian austin green,

Right?

>> well, I used to be an actor,

But now I'm following my true

Love -- pipes!

>> oh, yeah!

Now that sign makes a lot more

Sense!

>> now, can I help you find a

Pipe?

>> hey, say, didn't you used to

Date megan fox?

>> that was a long time ago.

>> what happened?

>> I told you, man -- pipes are

My one true love.

[ horns honking ]

>> I need a box to ship some

Antiques.

>> I'm sure I can help you with

That.

>> hey, you're megan fox, the

Actress.

>> former actress.

Boxes are my life now.

>> didn't you used to date

That, uh, austin greenbriar or

Whoever?

>> brian austin green, yeah.

But these days, boxes are my

One true love.

>> excuse me, miss, do you

Have any boxes that would fit...

My heart?

>> well, I know when I'm a third

Wheel!

>> you mean all this time, you

Were running b.A.G. Pipes next

Door?

>> you're the owner of

Fox's boxes?

>> I guess, that some things are

Just meant to be.

>> ♪ and all this time, I never

Saw the lighthouse on your

Heart ♪

[ both moaning ]

>> and together, they formed the

Most successful pipe-shipping

Company in the united states.

Yeah, well, that ends the

46th and final season of

"Masterpiece theatre."

Toward the end, I became very

Confused about what this show

Was trying to accomplish, and

Quite honestly, pbs viewers grew

Outraged their pledge money was

Funding it.

I'm not sure what I'll do with

My career in the months and

Years to come, but I can

Guarantee you I won't be

Book-ending tales about

Brian austin green running a

[bleep] Pipe store.

Oh, did I go off-script?

Did I ruin your precious take,

You insufferable prick?

Brian austin green can swing

From my balls.

Get a good grip, brian!

You've destroyed

"Masterpiece theatre"!

You [bleep] Destroyed it!

[ telephones ringing ]

>> so, uh, we still have a lot

Of those tote bags left.

>> you killed me, billy!

>> one day, my son, all this

Will belong to you!

What's this?

It must be a sign from the gods!

They are showing us favor!

Ooh -- that's a little warm.

[ screaming ]

>> father!

[ crying ] Why? Why? Wh-y-y-y?!

>> [ yawns ]

>> hey, check it out, baby!

You've got an admirer.

>> oh, wow [chuckles] That's

Great.

>> what are you doing?

Get over there and talk to her!

>> haven't you noticed she looks

Exactly like me, but in drag?

>> so?

>> what am I, a [bleep]

Narcissist?

I need to look at myself while

I'm busting a -- oh, god, she's

Coming over.

>> oh, my goodness!

I'm a hideous woman!

[ blink! Blink! ]

Want to get out of here?

>> well, I guess the

daily planet's a [bleep] Ipad

App now.

I'm out on my ass 'cause I never

Learned photoshop.

>> clark, you idiot!

>> I couldn't figure out layers,

Lois -- sue me!

>> no!

You were supposed to remind me

To tivo "Top chef."

>> oh, I guess I didn't hear

You.

>> but you can hear a boy

Scout getting bad-touched 600

Miles away?

You know what?

Do that thing where you fly

Around the earth really fast and

Go back in time!

>> okay, I'm not gonna travel

Through time for "Top chef."

>> do you want a divorce,

Clark?!

>> [ sighs ]

>> you know, I love the show,

But I hate to cook, which is so

Weird, right?

>> there you are.

>> clark?

>> look, if I don't remind you

To tivo "Top chef," you're going

To forget --

>> you really think I'm stupid,

Don't you?

>> no, no, I -- can I get a

Moment please?

Look, sweetie, you sent me back

In time to remind you --

>> well, you embarrassed me.

Go back and do it right!

>> I really shouldn't --

>> oh, right, so you'll go back

In time for future lois but you

Won't do it for me?

>> [ sighs ] I will do it for

You.

[ chuckles ] Up and away.

>> lois, wait.

Where are your girlfriends?

>> are you checking up on me?

You're smothering me, clark!

>> no, no, sweetheart, look,

You forgot to tivo "Top chef,"

So I went back in time as a --

>> oh, well, you'll go back in

Time for some stupid tv show but

Not for me?

>> but that's not even --

[ groans ] Give me a second.

>> hey!

>> hey!

>> you're me!

>> that's right, from the

Future.

Look, I know you're gonna tell

Lois about "Top chef."

>> but she's gonna take it the

Wrong way and have a [bleep]

Fit?

I -- I already knew what was

Going to happen, didn't I?

>> both: I'm in a dysfunctional

Relationship.

>> I just needed to talk it

Out...

>> both: with someone I trusted.

>> sweet mary and joseph!

I am an attractive man.

>> so, you thinking what I'm

Thinking?

>> oh, god! Somebody help me!

>> ugh -- like nails on a

Chalkboard.

>> I was just thinking that.

>> both: jinx!

>> buy me a coke!

>> you buy me one!

1, 2, 3, 4, 5!

>> both: jinx!

Ba-da-bap, ba-da-bap, superman!

>> hmph.

Play the pipe cones.

[ high-pitched tones play ]

[ deep tones play ]

[ fast deep tones play ]

>> well, that's a lot better

Than our song, steve.

>> they're playing a crunchy

Tune!

We're getting embarrassed out

Here!

[ high-pitched tones play ]

[ deep-bass tones play ]

>> they've got a backbeat!

Bring in the snare!

Repeat -- bring in the [bleep]

Snare!

[ snare drum, tones play ]

Sing me a hook!

>> um, uh --

>> that's an order!

>> ♪ lookin' at a u.F.O. -- ♪

>> you're a [bleep]

Embarrassment!

[ rapping ] ♪ I work at the

Army, and I'm here to say I love

Uncle sam in a major way ♪

[ hissing ]

>> [ rapping ] ♪ comin' from the

Stars above with some spaced-out

Alien love ♪

♪ open wide, here comes our

Nuts ♪

Yeah, mother [bleep]!

Devil's tower remix!

>> [bleep] I'm going in!

[ techno music plays ]

>> break beat!

>> I need back up!

>> [ rapping ] ♪ on your knees,

Beggin' please for me to

Decrease my pace ♪

♪ before I blast and lace your

Face with my superior bass ♪

♪ you've got no luck ♪

♪ so sorry, chuck ♪

♪ tell your whole world to

Brace, 'cause me and my

Intergalactic b-boys are gonna

Nut on your whole race! ♪

>> what do you want?

>> well, not your music, that's

For sure.

>> look, we all saw what just

Happened.

You don't have to be a dick

About it.

>> ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk

Bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk

Bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk

Bawk bawk ♪

Ba-gawk! Bawk.