Original subtitles

X-timestamp-map=local:00:00:00.000,mpegts:9000

[ thunder crashing ]

[ drilling, sawing ]

[ electricity crackling ]

>> it's alive!

>> on three!

>> whatever -- just aim for my

Head.

>> one! Two!

Wait, "Aim for my head"?

>> just do it, already!

>> dude, are you okay?

>> you're the first person

That's bothered to ask.

[ sobbing ]

>> all right, students, spells

Ready!

Begin!

Miss granger.

>> orchideous!

>> mr. Potter.

>> orchideous!

>> mr. Longbottom.

>> orc-- uh...Orc-- uh...

Orc-hoo-dious.

[ chomp! ]

Oh! Oh, dear! Oh, my god!

>> neville!

[ chomp! ]

Oh, my god! Oh, dear!

>> [ screeching ]

>> what happened?

>> his spell!

He was only off by one syllable!

>> ah, yes.

The spells "Orchideous" and

"Orchoodious" are very similar.

Do be careful.

[ school bell rings ]

>> finally, add two drops of

Wolfsbane extract to your

Potion.

I hope everyone understands.

Well? What are you waiting for?

>> usually we don't start until

You insult harry.

>> am I so predictable?

Very well.

Potter, you fool.

>> well, bottoms up!

[ gulp! ]

>> ron, how many drops of

Wolfsbane extract did you use?

>> uh, like three.

[ screaming ]

[ splat! ]

>> professor snape, what

Happened?

>> used too much wolfsbane

Extract, looks like.

>> he used one extra drop!

That margin for error is pretty

Bloody slim!

>> this spell was supposed

To change our eye color!

Why would we risk exploding

Skulls just to change our eye

Color?

>> uh...

Potter, you fool.

[ school bell rings ]

>> well, it's understandable.

We're teaching children a deadly

Art, after all.

It's like trying to teach cats

How to disarm landmines.

>> uh...Where are all the

Students?

[ hip-hop music playing ]

[ car alarm blaring ]

>> hey... Where's hermione?

>> [ laughs ] We all called her

A slut on facebook!

>> children, I have some sad

News.

Her-my-one granger hung herself.

[ record scratches ]

[ all laughing ]

>> what can I get y'all to

Drink?

>> I'll have a dasani.

>> fiji for me.

>> one evian, please.

>> I'll take a beer and three

New [bleep] Friends, please.

>> oh, my gosh.

That's betty crocker!

>> oh, hello, darling.

>> how long you gonna keep

Duckin' me?

>> how long you gonna keep

Calling that cheesecake tasty,

Sara lee?

>> hope you saved room for

Dessert.

I got some piping-hot beatdowns

Topped with a fresh ass

Whooping!

>> you feeling hungry?

Take a taste.

>> [bleep] A taste.

I want the whole pie!

[ growls ]

>> your hits taste like your

Poundcake -- weak and

Store-bought!

>> oh, this cake has some

Layers.

>> be sure and try the crust!

You like this [bleep]

'cause nobody!

Doesn't!

Like!

Sara!

Lee!

Ooh, this thing's so sweet, it's

Got to be fattening!

>> [ whispers indistinctly ]

>> what was that, bleedy [bleep]

>> you and betty crocker can...

Bake someone happy!

>> [ screams ]

>> ♪ everybody loves her ♪

♪ sara lee ♪

>> [ panting ]

[ clinking ]

>> I's in town, honey.

Next time, you dance with your

Ol' aunt jemima.

>> [ laughs ]

[ gunshots ]

>> you're going to have to go

Get that for me.

>> have you ever thought about

Using --

>> I'm not getting a [bleep]

Boomerang, so just drop it!

>> "You're terminated."

Yeah, that's what I'll say.

What?!

[ crunch! ]

[ whirring ]

[ funky music plays ]

>> wow, look at the gams on her!

>> now, that's what I call a

Set of stems!

>> honey, if you're not a model,

You are wasting your life!

>> she's got a look, I'll give

You that.

But does she have "It"?

>> oh, you're hired.

[ whirring ]

>> you're terminated [bleep]

[ sighs ] That was unduly harsh.

>> [ screams ]

>> our cleanup efforts from the

Oil spill continue, but the real

Problem is capping this oil

Leak.

No, wait, scratch that.

The real problem is figuring

Out how to spend this quarter's

Profits.

[ all cheering ]

[ buzzer ]

>> I'm sorry, sir!

I tried to stop him, but --

>> shirley?

>> never mind, sir.

He was actually pretty easy to

Stop.

I just tripped him, and I think

He twisted his ankle or

Something.

>> are you all right?

>> just fine. Hang on a second.

Okay.

Aquaman would like to make an

Appointment.

>> check my book.

>> checking, sir.

Okay.

[ muffled ] Mr. Aquaman, is

Tuesday after 4:00 p.M. Okay for

You, or --

[ normal voice ] Oh, drat.

Sorry, sir, this time he really

Did get past me.

>> ah, the sub-mariner, I

Presume?

>> don't play games with me, you

Corporate monster!

Your oil spill is killing the

Sea creatures I hold dear!

>> all right.

So how can I help you?

>> you can go to jail, you scum!

>> well, the federal courts

Already assessed a fine, which

We paid.

>> you --

You can go to jail anyway!

>> but the case is settled.

>> oh.

>> so are you, uh, here to kick

My ass or...?

>> yes!

Maybe!

Well, probably not, no.

>> so I'm not going to jail,

You're not going to kick my ass,

And I already paid the fine.

>> you killed a lot of sea life.

>> I did. I'm sorry.

[ ting! ]

>> [ groans ]

Um, good news, everybody!

The oil company paid a fine!

>> to who?

>> um...You want me to find out?

>> ohh, can you maybe suck up

All this oil since you suck so

[bleep] Hard?

>> was that rhetorical or do you

Want me to -- ow! Ow! Ow!

Oh, my gosh! Ow! That does--

[ crack! ]

Ow! Ow!

[ crying ] Ow!

>> get ready for the sweet

Release!

[ squish! ]

>> ♪ so you're dining with a

Beast ♪

♪ that doesn't mean you

Shouldn't feast ♪

>> ♪ let us handle

Reservations ♪

♪ give your taste buds a

Sensation ♪

>> ♪ have your fill,

Eat more still ♪

♪ there's no need to slow

Your pace ♪

♪ after dinner you'll be thinner

Once you sit down on my face ♪

>> ♪ so have seconds,

Eat a lot ♪

>> ♪ then come meet your chamber

Pot ♪

>> we are trying to serve

Dinner!

>> what?

Defaccachi doesn't get to sing

Along?

I'm a person, too.

Defaccachi didn't ask to be a

Chamber pot.

>> none of us asked to be stuck

In the forms of household items,

But people are eating!

>> so defaccachi only useful

After a dinner, eh?

I got to live a solitary

Existence punctuated by people

Pooping in my --

>> I said, people are eating.

>> [ mumbling in italian ]

>> okay, let's just get through

This dinner so the beast can

Bang this bitch and -- belle?

Where did belle go?!

>> ♪ ring a bell ♪

♪ sound a horn ♪

♪ looks like someone's eaten

Corn ♪

>> does everything have to be a

[bleep] Song?!

>> [ humming ]

[ knock on door ]

>> hey, there. I'm della.

>> oh, y-yes. Ah, yes.

Ah, come in.

[ chuckles nervously ]

>> I'll be right out.

I like to take care of business

Up front.

>> oh, uh, okay.

How much uh, for, um,

A half-and-half?

>> oh, somebody's done this

Before.

>> [ chuckles ]

No, I-I just read about it on

The internet.

>> just put $300 on the

Nightstand.

>> let's party.

>> holy [bleep]

You're a duck!

>> that's right, baby.

Now, why don't you ruffle my

Feathers?

>> why are you a duck?!

Oh, my god!

>> [ laughs ]

I'm what you ordered.

>> I did not order a duck!

>> well, I'm not sure how they

Could have misunderstood that

Request.

>> oh, gee!

I wonder what word an escort

Service might have mistaken for

"Duck" on a bad cellphone

Connection!

>> well, fine, but you are still

Gonna have to pay me for my

Time.

>> uh, I don't know why I need

To pay to not [bleep] A cartoon

Duck!

Normally not [bleep] A [bleep]

Duck is [bleep] Free!

>> [ sighs ]

[ dialing ]

We got a problem.

>> who are you --

>> we got some sort of problem?

>> look, I-I don't want any

Trouble.

I just think the

Misunderstanding was on your

End.

>> just pay the duck.

>> no! It's not fair!

I shouldn't have to pay --

>> yeah! Whip his ass, desmond!

Whip his ass!

>> mr. Phillipson, what's all

The commotion?

Whoa, stop! Security!

>> hey!

>> whoa!

>> you got a gun, I got a

Gun.

Now what?

>> l-let's all just relax.

>> you relax!

[ gunshot ]

[ splat! ]

[ splat! ]

[ splat! ]

Hey, get off of my gun, bitch!

[ gunshot ]

[ gunshot ]

[ splat! ]

[ gunshot ]

>> ♪ duck, duck, duck,

Duck party ♪

♪ hoo-hoo-hoo ♪

>> [bleep] You!

[ gunshots ]

[ screams ]

>> uncle donald?

>> huh? What?

>> we said, "When can we go

Home?"

>> gee, uncle donald, we really

Miss our mom.

>> yeah, when can we see her

Again?

>> oh, I don't know, boys.

I just don't know.

>> ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk

Bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk

Bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk

Bawk bawk ♪

Ba-gawk! Bawk.