Original subtitles

X-timestamp-map=local:00:00:00.000,mpegts:9000

[ thunder crashing ]

[ drilling, sawing ]

[ electricity crackling ]

>> it's alive!

>> mother, father, this is my

Boyfriend, mario.

[ chimes play ]

>> charmed to finally meet your

Acquaintance, mari-- oh!

Did a pig [bleep] Out a dead

Fetus in here?

>> [ sniffs ] Oh-ho-ho!

I beg-a you forgiveness.

I come-a here through the sewer

Line.

[ chimes play ]

Eh?

>> mario's a plumber.

>> so he commutes through human

Waste?

>> and he's italian.

>> oh, okay. Say no more.

[ chimes play ]

>> did you lose something,

Mario?

>> hey, hey! I-a found-a one!

>> [ chuckles ] Yes.

In our sofa.

[ ding! ]

>> and there it goes.

>> so I says, "Aye, paisan,

Toilet paper and-a paper

Towels -- they ain't the same

Thing!"

[ laughs ]

>> [ sarcastically ] Mm, another

Clogged toilet story.

What a delightful compliment to

Our mushroom soup.

>> mushrooms?! Ay-yi-yi!

[ sneezes ]

>> remind me to bring mushrooms

On our honeymoon.

>> I'm so sorry.

I have a few allergies.

Mama mia! Flowers!

[ sneezes ]

>> oh! My drapes!

My meat drapes!

>> both equally dusty.

>> ay-yi-yi!

[ sneezes ]

[ ding! Ding! Ding! ]

[ "Game over" music plays ]

>> I, professor

Cornelius q. Quibblefingers,

Will be the first human being to

Travel back in time and see the

Magnificent dinosaurs!

[ air hissing ]

I give you the delaptadon!

[ gun cocks ]

[ gunshot ]

Aah!

I'm okay. I'm okay.

Slight miscalculation.

Science must not be stopped.

I shall attempt again.

I give you the mighty

Triactador!

[ gunshot ]

[ screams ]

I, professor

Cornelius q. Quibblefingers,

Shall persevere!

I shall achieve the impossible!

I give you the ever-rare

Brontioslauradon!

[ gunshots ]

Aah! Aah! Aah!

>> I must not stop.

I must get to the magnificent

Dinosaurs!

Eureka!

[ gunshots ]

Oh, the irony!

[ gunshots ]

So beautiful!

[ gunshots ]

What a marvel of nature!

>> [ crying ]

>> frankie? Sweetie?

>> oh, mumsy! Oh, dadums!

>> oh, god.

>> philip and I -- we had a

Fight, a terrible, terrible

Fight, and he -- he broke up

With [sobbing] Me!

>> maybe if you tried dating a

Girl for once.

>> frank! Be nice.

>> nice?

Nice is a father who wants his

Son to have the best of

Everything and digs through

Fresh graves for two weeks --

Two weeks -- to find a big,

Thick, veiny penis to give him.

And then you go and put the

Heart of a little schoolgirl in

His chest.

>> I wanted him to have some

Sensitivity, unlike his father.

I'm so sorry, sweetie.

Is there anything we can do?

>> oh, mumsy!

He said he never wanted to talk

To me again!

>> and if you were a real man,

You would have ripped off his

Lower jaw so he couldn't talk to

You, or anyone else, ever!

>> oh, dadums --

>> dad! Call me dad! Or pops!

Or pa! The old man! Anything!

Frank!

But for the love of god --

>> stop that, frank.

Can't you see he's in pain?

>> a pitchfork in the chest --

That's pain, okay?

Someone lighting your nuts on

Fire -- that's pain!

>> emotional pain.

>> [ groans ]

>> hi, mr. Frankenstein.

>> ugh.

>> is frankenberry home?

>> philip?

>> frankie, I-I'm sorry.

I didn't mean all those things

I said.

There's -- there's just been so

Much --

>> oh, philip. I don't care.

I don't want to lose you.

You're my yummy mummy.

[ both crying ]

>> ugh. All right.

I'm going upstairs to take a

[bleep]

Maybe I can mold some sort of a

real son out of that.

>> excuse me, god.

Can you make something so heavy

Even you can't lift it?

>> I am [bleep] Eating!

Jesus?!

>> yes?

>> get this guy out of my face.

>> all right. Come on.

>> I thought you were cool, man!

I thought you were gonna be

Cool!

>> throw it in the fire,

Mr. Frodo.

>> no! The ring is mine, sam!

>> my precious!

Give us back my precious!

Bleh!

We found hobbitses' finger, but

Where is my precious?

>> it's there.

It's -- it's just further back.

>> [ choking ]

>> it's there.

Yeah, right there.

But it's stuck.

You'll have to use your tongue

And get it all wet.

You're almost there.

Just a little more.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes.

Yes!

The shire!

>> where's precious?

>> here. You've earned it.

>> my precious!

[ laughs ]

Ohh?

Whoopsie.

If hobbitses puts my precious

On, we will have to try and

Takes it again, won't we?

>> mm-hmm.

>> I got a large double

Half-caf, non-fat mocha with soy

For kltpzysam?

>> that's kltpzyxm.

Oh! No, wait!

[ poof! ]

>> [ laughs ] Better luck next

Time, mxyzptlk!

>> dude, you can't be back

Here.

>> the l.Z. May be swarming

With covenant, marines, but

You'll have the master chief

Backing you up.

I'm sorry I can't show you what

I really look like.

>> chief, do we have enough

Ammo for all these --

>> I'm gonna have to stop you

Right there, soldier.

I know I look pretty generic,

But that's so you can identify

With me.

Does anyone have a question

That's not about what I look

Like?

All right, then.

This is it, boys.

[ helicopter blades whirring ]

[ gunfire ]

>> [ coughs ] I'm dying, chief!

>> if you think I'll give you a

Dying peek at my face, I'm

Sorry.

Not gonna happen.

Despite thousands of years of

People readily identifying with

Distinct protagonists, I believe

Showing my face would alienate

My audience.

>> will you shut the [bleep] Up!

Where is your gun?!

What?

What?!

I can't tell what you're doing

With your face!

>> it's a secret.

>> well, you better be crying in

There, dickbag, because you were

Our last line of defense.

I swear, your expression better

Be one of awed epiphany at how

Badly you [bleep] Up right now.

>> can I use your gun if I find

You a needler?

>> what the [bleep] Did you just

Say to me?

If you want to call me an

Asshole, you better say it to my

Face!

>> you three drowned and melted

A woman based on the color of

Her skin.

In this court's eyes, that is a

Hate crime.

>> it was doro--

>> shut up, lion!

>> I don't want to go down for

That bitch!

She ain't missing me "Most of

All," is she?

>> the court finds you guilty of

Murder and sentences you to 10

To 15 years in a

Maximum-security prison.

>> but that ain't fair!

>> who was our lawyer?

>> sorry, boys -- good at

Flying, bad at lawyering.

>> I'm gonna rape me a robot

Tonight!

>> got a new fish for you,

Simmons.

>> that's my bunk.

>> oh, I'm sorry.

I'll move it down to --

>> that one's taken, too,

Silly straw.

>> oh. Okay, um, where do I --

>> well, I'll rent you that bunk

Up there, but the rent ain't

Cheap.

>> that'd be just swell.

>> you got any jelly or some

Kind of syrup or something?

>> hmm? For what?

>> for eating my [bleep] With!

You want that bunk, you got to

Toss my salad, prag, or you can

Let me add some stuffing to your

Muffin -- either way.

[ prisoners shouting ]

>> [ crying ]

>> oh, don't listen to them.

>> they don't have to be so

Mean.

>> come on, buddy.

You've got courage now.

We do a simple dime to 15.

>> I guess you're right.

>> of course I'm right.

You'll see. It's gonna be fine.

[ creaking ]

>> "I just don't have the

Heart."

[ crying ]

[ buzzer ]

>> oh, scarecrow, what has

Happened to you?

>> [ chuckles ] This place --

This place happened to me.

>> is it that bad?

>> it ain't kansas, sugarpop.

>> oh, dear!

Is there anything I can do?

>> why don't you show me a

Little skin?

Put 'em on the glass.

>> um, I'm sure I don't know --

>> your tits! Your totos!

Put 'em on the glass!

>> [ crying ]

No, I can't. I just can't.

[ sobbing ]

>> auntie em raised a real

Bitch.

>> oh, no.

No. No, no.

No, no, no, no.

Noooooo!

[ sobbing ]

>> I swear, that's the truth --

And I ain't lion!

[ laughs ]

>> [ growls ]

>> [ groans ]

>> [ groans ]

[ whip! Whip! Whip! ]

[ clong! ]

Let's see what you're made of!

You like jelly?!

It's a streamer party!

[ laughs ]

Who's tossing whose salad now?!

[ laughs ]

[ whack! Whack! ]

>> do you have any last words?

>> if you only had the balls.

>> well, we are going to

Electrocute you.

>> [ chuckles ]

Light up my life!

[ electricity crackles ]

[ zap! ]

>> [ sobbing ]

[ squeak! Squeak! ]

[ squeak! Squeak! ]

[ squeaking continues ]

>> ba-da-ba ba-da-bap, superman!