Original subtitles

X-timestamp-map=local:00:00:00.000,mpegts:9000

[ thunder crashing ]

[ drilling, sawing ]

[ electricity crackling ]

>> it's alive!

[ laughing evilly ]

>> can you hear me? Hello?

Hello?

Oh, okay, there you are.

[bleep] Hello? Hello?

Are you there?

Damn it!

I swear, I would blow a zebra if

I could get a cellphone that

Never drops the signal!

>> [ laughs ]

I have heard your wish.

I am a wish-granting zebra.

>> seriously?!

I-I can't believe it.

So, you can make my cellphone

Work anywhere?

>> I don't know. Can I?

>> [ gagging ]

>> oh, come on, it wasn't that

Bad.

Think of all the calls you can

Make now.

>> yeah, I guess that's true.

>> hey, you going west?

Could you give me a ride to the

Palisades?

>> uh, I-I guess.

Hey. Hey, honey.

Yeah, no, I'm just on the way

Over --

[ beep ]

Hello? Hey, what's the deal?!

>> well, I only fixed your

Phone.

I can't fix theirs.

>> okay, I-I guess that makes

Sense.

Wait a second!

[ tires screech ]

>> what's up, pal?

>> I was talking to my wife.

>> okay.

>> she was on the phone in our

house!

That's a landline!

>> is that right?

Well, this is my stop.

>> what the hell?!

You're not a zebra at all!

>> nope, just a horny little

Horse with some smoke bombs to

Spare!

Poof!

[ laughs ]

>> veringular wireless -- so you

Don't have to blow a magical

Zebra.

>> what do you want for your

Last meal, anderson?

>> I want to eat your wife's

[bleep]

>> damn it! Not again!

[ beep ]

Honey, it's me.

Can you head over to the jail

With your lasagna?

Great. Thanks.

[bleep]

Can we replace the batteries in

That smoke detector?

[ siren wailing ]

>> oh, damn it -- chips!

[ wailing continues ]

>> license and registration,

Please.

>> ow!

>> wow, you are freaking

Delicious!

[ guns cock ]

>> hey, hey, easy, pal!

[ tires screech ]

>> you boys need a little

Backup?

>> who's the new guy?

>> name's pringle.

>> something a little too

Perfect about you.

Something doesn't stack up.

>> oh, I stack up.

I stack up real nice.

>> bye!

[ tires screech ]

Not so fast, buddy.

[ tires screech ]

>> wow, that was real ranch

Style, pringle!

>> you know it.

>> and then he just roped the

Guy.

It was beautiful, chief.

>> yeah, but it went against

Department protocol.

We had to can him.

>> [ muffled ] I'm a good cop!

>> ♪ whoa ♪

♪ I'm crushing ♪

♪ on a crush ♪

♪ bicycles, lemonade, game boy ♪

♪ game boy ♪

♪ crushing so hard ♪

♪ so hard, girl ♪

♪ and I like skittle,

Sk-skittles ♪

♪ skittle, sk-skittles ♪

>> and cut!

This is the edgiest thing I've

Ever worked on!

>> edgy?

>> yeah, young lesbian proud of

Who she is, singing about it --

Awesome!

>> that's a little boy.

[ thud, feedback ]

[ animals chattering ]

[ sloop! ]

>> ow, my [bleep] Back!

No, d-d-don't touch me!

Just go get someone, sharon!

>> autobots, earth is our home

Now.

As such, we should give

Ourselves earthly names.

>> okay, I guess I'll be

Bumblebee.

It's cute and nonthreatening.

>> I enjoy the music I've heard

Some of these earth cats play.

I'll go by jazz.

>> and I shall be optimus prime.

>> oh, really?

>> what?

>> optimus prime?

I didn't call myself

Maximus genitalia.

>> but you know I'm the leader.

>> yeah, man, we do know, which

Makes me wonder why I have to be

Reminded every time we say your

Name.

>> you know we all think you're

Great, man.

Who you trying to convince?

[ echoing ] Convince, convince.

>> hey, dad, I got an "A" on my

Math test.

>> oh, good job,

Incredibus disappointmentmax.

They hand out football trophies

For "'a' on math test"?

>> uh, no.

>> well, then transform and roll

Out of my [bleep] Way!

>> oh. Oh, daddy.

And now you know.

>> are you okay...

Optimus prime?

>> oh, you sons of bitches.

[ laughs ] Come here.

>> give it up, sinestro!

Just turn yourself in!

>> you know what?

I should!

I should do that just to blow

Your [bleep] Mind!

>> yeah, I dare you!

>> you dare me to end our

Decades-old rivalry on a dare?

How would that even work?

>> just walk right into the

Police station and tell them to

Cuff you.

>> aha!

>> aah!

[ crying ]

>> oh, god!

Oh, god, I-I meant to do

Handcuffs!

>> aah, my hands, aah!

>> oh, my god!

Oh, god, I'm so sorry!

Oh, god, I can't look!

I can't -- I got to bounce!

I'm sorry!

I'll call 911 from the car, I

Swear!

[ ding! ]

[ door closes, tires screech ]

[ warble! ]

>> welcome back to oa, home of

The green lantern corps.

[ ding! ]

I'm sorry, hal jordan, but we

Cannot restore your hands.

>> but power rings can do

Anything given enough willpower!

>> oh, really?

You wipe out cancer on earth?

>> well...

No!

>> we feel for you, hal jordan,

But you can no longer wield the

Power ring.

Having fingers is kind of a

Prerequisite.

>> um, there is a -- well, there

[chuckles] There is one other

Place I could wear a power ring.

>> like on a necklace?

You'd never interface properly.

>> no.

Another place, south o' the

Border.

>> jordan, are we talking about

A [bleep] Ring?

>> we are talking about a

[bleep] Ring.

>> oh!

>> gee, buddy, did you consider

A toe ring, maybe?

>> uh, how's a toe ring going to

Fit on my penis?

Stupid!

>> wah, wah. Wah, wah, wah, wah.

Wah, wah.

>> a new kid?

Oh, boy, maybe he'll take over

My position on the totem pole

Around here.

>> you'll always be the [bleep]

Catcher, charlie brown!

>> well, whoever he is, he'll

Never replace by sweet babboo!

>> oh, brother!

>> hey, everyone.

My name is ren -- ren mccormack.

>> beat it!

>> aah!

>> ooh, hello!

>> you're just in time for our

Dance rehearsal.

We're practicing a number for

Our christmas pageant.

>> I love to dance!

My last town banned dancing

Entirely.

You might say dancing makes me

Feel footloose and fancy free.

Look, I'm kevin bacon's

Character from "Footloose."

>> and a-one and a-two.

[ up-tempo music playing ]

>> oh, my god, this is the worst

Dancing I have ever seen.

>> what do you mean?

>> I'm sorry [bleep] Box, but

You're --

>> it's pig-pen.

>> sorry.

>> it's okay.

You made a lateral error at

Best.

>> you're just all repeating the

Same move over and over again.

I mean, what is this kid even

Doing?

>> I couldn't think of a dance!

I panicked!

>> sorry, guys.

I got to get the [bleep] Out of

Here.

I would rather move back to a

Town with no dancing than stay

Here.

>> and a-one and a-two.

[ up-tempo music playing ]

[ rock music playing ]

>> ♪ ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ ahhhh ♪

♪ I'm gonna fly so high ♪

♪ gonna spread my wings ♪

♪ flying through the heavens

Where the angels sing ♪

♪ nothing's stopping me now ♪

♪ no dream is too big ♪

♪ gonna save the day ♪

♪ I can do anything ♪

♪ I can do anything ♪

[ machine-gun fire ]

[ school bell rings ]

>> good news, ren -- turns out

You can't outlaw dancing.

It's unconstitutional.

>> all right!

>> yeah, but then they passed a

New law.

Now we have to use creationist

Textbooks.

[ record scratches ]

>> rats!

[ machine-gun fire ]

>> [ laughs ]

Bet that stupid junkyard dog

Can't catch us!

>> [ growls ]

You're messing with the dog!

[ growls ]

>> you died in 1998, dumb ass!

>> [ groans ]

[ angels vocalizing ]

>> are you ready for more of

Those hilarious bloopers?!

Well, unfortunately, those

Hilarious clips have to be

Licensed, which costs money,

Which is in short supply since

Our c.P.A. Liquidated our assets

And blew town to go feast on

Thai schoolboys!

[ canned laughter ]

So instead, here are some

Hilarious clips from my very own

Life!

>> [ singing indistinctly ]

>> daddy, when I grow up, I'm

Gonna marry that pretty singer!

She's the prettiest girl I've

Ever seen!

No, daddy, no!

>> her first name is "Boy,"

Dillweed!

You come back here!

This is [bleep] Kryptonite, son!

>> you might say my balls were

Scared straight.

[ canned laughter ]

This next clip really made me

The butt of the joke!

Whoo-ee!

This burrito is spicy!

[ gulping ]

Nothing beats mexican tap water.

[ stomach gurgling ]

That was probably a mistake.

[ farting loudly ]

My asshole is still 50% scar

Tissue!

[ canned laughter ]

Between montezuma's revenge and

Boy george, it was gonna happen

One way or another.

>> oh, come on, man, you got to

Cash in that "V" card sometime!

You're the only virgin I know,

Bro!

>> yeah, but she's so --

>> dude, it's starter [bleep]

You work your way up the food

Chain, I promise.

>> oh, uh, geez, sorry.

It was my first time.

>> yeah, you said that.

I got an early class, so...

>> probably too late to put this

On, huh?

>> you didn't put -- oh, my god!

And I'm pregnant.

>> how can you tell?

Well, that's all the time I

Have.

Yep, for your good buddy the

"Bloopers" host, you might say

Time is up.

For my next trick, I'll need an

Assistant.

Please welcome my pregnant

13-year-old daughter, stephanie!

[ applause ]

That's right -- I was such a

Good parent, god is bumping me

To grandparent status way ahead

Of schedule!

>> dad, my ankles hurt!

Please drive me home!

>> just as soon as daddy commits

Hari-kari, honey.

Now, when I disembowel myself,

You cut my head off with the

Katana!

>> [ sighs ] I'll be in the car.

[ canned laughter ]

Stop mocking me.

[ canned laughter ]

[ distorted laughter ]

Stop mocking me!

>> dad!

>> coming!

[ clatters ]

[ sloop! ]

[ machine-gun fire ]

>> ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk

Bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk

Bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk

Bawk bawk ♪

Ba-gawk! Bawk.