Original subtitles

X-timestamp-map=local:00:00:00.000,mpegts:9000

[ thunder crashing ]

[ drilling, sawing ]

[ electricity crackling ]

>> it's alive!

>> johnny 5 is alive!

Johnny 5 is alive!

What will johnny 5 do first?

[ upbeat '80s music plays ]

>> I'm thirsty!

>> I'm hungry!

>> I'm batman.

>> the night my car careened off

That mississippi highway and

Flipped into a ditch is a night

I'll never forget.

To be fair, I don't remember

Much about the accident itself,

'cause I was banged up pretty

Bad.

There was much speculation as to

What occurred on that

Unseasonably cold august night,

But the most common thing I hear

Is, "Morgan freeman, you've been

In more than 75 feature-length

Films.

Why on god's green earth do you

Drive a 1997 nissan maxima?"

And for that question, like all

Questions, there's more than one

Answer.

You see, a '97 maxima

Represented a significant

Improvement over the previous

Year's model.

And compared to my '89

Ford probe, well, it wasn't even

A fair contest.

In 2002, there was a factory

Recall on the alternator, but I

Brought it right in, and they

Fixed it in a day or so.

They even gave me a loaner, a

Brand-new altima.

Nice car, but it's certainly no

Maxima.

Oh, oh, and that right there?

That's the flip that should have

Killed me, but thanks to

Nissan's five-star crash rating,

Along with dual air bags,

Crumple zone, seat-belt

Pre-tensioners, and side-door

Beams, well, I'm alive today.

I suppose the other noteworthy

Aspect of this story is I've

Been [bleep] My own

Step-granddaughter.

>> it seems like a form of

Hysterical blindness.

Has he been through any

Traumatic events lately?

Perhaps seen something that

Could have caused this?

>> not that I can think of.

>> I can't believe you gave up

Your powers for me.

>> I...Love you, lois.

>> I don't know what to say.

>> I love you, lana.

>> superman...Man of steel.

>> so, I come out of the booth

All hunched and kind of woozy on

My feet like this, like, "Oh,

Oh."

And then bam! Boom!

Kneel before my rod.

How about that, huh?

>> I'm fast, player, but you the

Fastest.

Bam! Right up in that ass.

Oh, yeah!

>> I-I can't believe you did

That for me.

[ crying ]

>> ♪ ba-da-boop, ba-da-boop ♪

Superman.

[ upbeat '80s music plays ]

>> dad!

It's okay if I call you dad,

Right, mr. Drummond?

>> of course.

Why would that make anyone

Uncomfortable?

>> dudley and I want to spend

The afternoon at the bike shop.

>> all alone?

I don't like it.

>> please, dad?

I'll do all my chores this week.

I'll be your slave.

>> oh, now, arnold, our

Relationship as father/son in no

Ways resembles the owner/slave

Dynamic of yes-- you know what?

Just go.

>> bottoms up, boys.

>> I-I don't think my dad would

Like me drinking wine.

>> arnold, I'm a middle-aged

White man.

I automatically know what's best

For you.

>> you do sound like

Mr. Drummond.

[ telephone rings ]

Dad.

>> arnold? Where have you been?

>> dad, I don't know what to do.

The maytag repairman is showing

Me naked cartoons.

>> I want you to listen very

Carefully.

What comes next is important.

He's going to ask you to play

Tarzan, and dudley's going to be

Into it.

The audience might laugh, but

It's not funny.

They're just confused by the

Massive shift in tone.

>> what exactly are you getting

At, dad?

Aaaah!

>> [ breathing deeply ]

>> I don't know who you are.

I don't know what you want.

If you're looking for ransom, I

Can tell you I'm a man of means.

I probably shouldn't have told

You that.

If you return my son, that will

Be the end of it.

But if you keep him, I will find

You and I will awkwardly ask

Parents to have a frank

Discussion with their children

About what they've just seen.

>> good luck.

>> what do you want? Money?

It's not much, but take it!

>> don't matter what you got!

Not a lot?!

So what?!

[ audience laughing ]

>> and this is my sister,

Rainbow dim.

>> 9/11 was an inside job.

>> oh, sure it was.

[ dance music plays ]

>> hey, do I know you?

>> not yet.

>> you want to get out of here?

>> absolutely.

[ groans ]

Hey!

You stole my kidney, didn't you?

>> oh, you got me.

[ chuckles ]

I guess I'm the asshole.

>> well, look at the mirror.

[ wah-wah! ]

>> you?

[ both laugh ]

>> well, good luck selling that

Kidney.

[ both laugh ]

[ upbeat '80s music plays ]

[ gun cocks ]

>> and when I looked outside,

There on the door handle was a

Hook!

>> and that's how I met your

Mother.

[ clanking ]

>> condoms reduce the risk of

Pregnancy and stds, but only

When used properly.

>> ♪ fruity fables ♪

♪ fruity fables ♪

[ children laughing ]

>> barry!

Just where the

H-e-c-letter-that-comes-after-j

Have you been?

>> oh, just out.

Oops!

>> we talked about this, barry.

Your sex-education job violates

Everything we believe in.

>> you don't understand.

God came to me in a dream.

>> barry, you must continue

Teaching sex education!

>> but, god, arthur says sex ed

Is evil.

>> arthur can eat my ass.

What is the most evil thing in

The world?

>> abortions?

>> what leads to abortions?

>> pregnancy?

>> what prevents pregnancy?

>> holy crap!

Condoms prevent pregnancy!

>> damn it, barry!

Opposing sex ed is way more

Important than abortions.

>> what?!

>> I don't care if there's a

Billion abortions.

I just can't stand the thought

Of teenagers doing it.

Those taut, firm bodies

Exploring one another with the

Kind of excitement that I'll

Never experience again in my

Life.

And even if I try to recapture

My youth with a willing -- mind

You, willing -- teenage

Participant, I go to prison?!

You know what they do in prison,

Barry?

There's a thing called salad

Tossing.

Well, I'm not going to prison,

Barry.

I'm not going to prison!

Attica! Attica!

>> arthur!

>> let's go have sex, baby.

>> okay.

[ crying ] Oh, no.

I'm sorry, jesus.

>> ♪ fruity fables ♪

♪ fruity fables ♪

[ children laughing ]

>> these americans butcher my

Men like -- well, like I butcher

Der jews.

Did they mark you?

>> yes, mein fuehrer.

>> let me see.

What the hell is this supposed

To be, a swastika?

>> I think it's the glaive from

"Krull."

>> reaterdz!

>> I'm putting together a

Special team.

The nazis are rounding up,

Killing, and sterilizing the

Mentally disabled.

Each of you owe me 50 pieces of

Nazi candy, and I want my candy.

Sound good?

>> mein god, leni riefenstahl

Has really let herself go.

Get out of the --

>> tards, tards, tards, tards!

>> mein fuehrer, I know we're

Exterminating their kind from

The face of the earth, but the

Preferred term is --

>> tell me your troop positions.

>> I respectfully refuse.

>> give me candy.

>> I respect-- did you just ask

For candy?

I might have --

>> you're too slow.

Send in the bear.

>> oh, thank goodness.

It is a bear like a bear hug,

Not like the bare-naked jew who

Will rape --

>> aaaah!

>> so, who are your three

Handsome escorts, frauelein?

>> why, they're just three

Friends of mine, col. Landa.

>> hello. Nice to meet you.

>> oh, italians.

Right this way.

[ projector clicking ]

>> tonight's movie will be

"Radio," starring

Cuba gooding jr.

>> wh-where is my pie?

[ laughter ]

>> you want strawberry pie or

Apple pie?

>> I want b-b-b-b-- I want

B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b...

[ laughter ]

...B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b --

I want b-b-b-b-b...

>> what in the...

>> ...B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b --

I want b-b-both of them.

>> enough is enough.

I have had it with this "Radio"

Bull[bleep]

>> turn off the movie!

>> stop the projector!

>> you hate "Radio," too?

>> with every fiber of mein

Being, mein italian fr--

>> mongo, we did it!

To think, my needlessly

Complicated plan to kill him

With a showing of "Radio"

Failed, and yet still, hitler --

>> you killed my best friend!

[ crashing ]

>> that's our cue.

[ screaming ]

>> we weren't the ones teaching

Radio.

Radio is the one been teaching

Us.

[ explosion ]

[ funk music plays ]