Original subtitles

X-timestamp-map=local:00:00:00.000,mpegts:9000

[ thunder crashing ]

[ drilling, sawing ]

[ electricity crackling ]

>> it's alive!

>> ladies and gentlemen, please

Rise for the best 60 seconds in

Television history.

[ camera shutters clicking ]

[ beep, whirring ]

>> aaaaah!

>> [ laughs confidently ]

[ grunts ]

[ poink! ]

[ beeping ]

[ engine revving ]

[ ninjas shouting ]

>> aaaah!

[ buzzer sounds ]

>> okay, lorraine, let's meet

Your suitors.

Bachelor number one is a peeping

Tom.

Bachelor number two is an

Attempted rapist.

And bachelor number three is

Your own son.

>> I'm becoming a nun.

>> hey, thanks for playing,

Marty.

[ tingle! ]

>> my spider sense is tingling,

But why?!

Is it the green goblin?!

>> [ laughs evilly ]

>> the lizard?!

>> [ hisses ]

>> aunt may having another

Stroke?!

>> [ moaning ]

[ record scratches ]

>> nothing? Okay.

[ chokes ]

Oh, the milk went bad.

Um, thanks, spider sense?

[ tingle! ]

Uh-oh, spider sense tingling!

[ children laughing ]

[ backup indicator beeping ]

[ laughing continues ]

Oh, no -- those kids!

[ scoffs ]

You tingled me over a puddle?!

[ tingle! Tingle! Tingle! ]

>> face it, tiger...

You're gonna get laid.

>> [ thinking ] Yes!

After tonight, the vulture can't

Call me a virgin ever again!

[ tingle! ]

No, no! Shoo, shoo!

Come on, let another part of me

Tingle for once!

Uh-oh!

[ crying ]

[ tingle! ]

[ groans ] Be more specific!

Of course I'm in danger!

I'm hundreds of feet above

Manhat-- ugh!

[ tingle! ]

Whatever.

>> well, mr. Parker, it looks

Like you broke your ankle.

Also, x-rays show a tumor at the

Base of your skull that is, for

Lack of a better word, tingling.

>> remove it. Remove it now.

[ tingle! Tingle! Tingle! ]

[ flatline ]

>> time of death -- 3:47 p.M.

[ melodic music playing ]

>> I'm gonna make it rain!

[ rock music playing ]

>> so, I told the oompa-loompas,

"Come live with me in peace and

Safety, away from all the

Wangdoodles and the

Hornswogglers and snozzwangers

And rotten vernicious knids.

>> [ laughs ]

[ birds chirping ]

>> aaaaaaah!

[ woman screams ]

[ indistinct shouting ]

[ baby crying ]

>> and 5, 6, 7, 8!

♪ oompa-loompa, doopity ♪

Arms, people!

It's all in the arms! Come on!

♪ oompa-loompa ♪

Hey, you -- you there!

[ record scratches ]

Oh, I'm sorry.

Is this dance too challenging

For you?

Are you tired?

You feeling faint?

[ snaps fingers ]

Why don't you just take a load

Off, okay?

>> aaaah!

[ gunshot ]

>> all right, people, here we go

Again.

This time, with feeling!

And 5, 6, 7, 8!

>> welcome back to "Unwrapped."

You know, nearly everyone has

Enjoyed an ice-cream sundae on a

Hot day, but the origins of this

Tasty treat may just surprise

You.

It's commonly accepted that the

Sundae was invented in evanston,

Illinois, circa 1890.

We went to dr. Peter yarbourgh

For the real scoop.

>> here's how [bleep] Dumb these

[bleep] Heads in illinois were.

The ice-cream soda had just been

Invented.

Teenagers liked them.

So, these [bleep] Religious

Numbnuts sat around jacking off

In church all day, thinking

About how much they just hated

Teenagers and decided -- true

[bleep] Story, people -- that

God therefore must hate

Ice-cream sodas.

That's right! [ laughs ]

These illinois [bleep] Knobs

Concluded that god, creator of

The infinite universe who

Probably had a trillion [bleep]

Better things to do, actually

Had an opinion about mother

[bleep] Ice-cream sodas!

So the state of illinois banned

Ice-cream sodas on sundays, you

Know, I guess so god wouldn't

Make it rain crickets or some

Ridiculous [bleep] Horse [bleep]

Long story short, every sunday,

The [bleep] Ice-cream stores,

They'd just -- ta da! -- they'd

Just leave out the soda part,

And these illinois [bleep] Sat

Around, jacked off, thinking

About how much they had pleased

Their invisible master, who

Lives on a [bleep] Flying cloud

Or wherever the [bleep] He

Lives!

That's how ice-cream sundaes

Were invented -- dumb [bleep]

Illinois assholes!

>> up next, skittles.

>> oh [bleep] Skittles!

>> [ barking ]

>> [ panting ]

>> can't we try missionary just

Once?

>> [ whimpers ]

>> krabby patties are made out

Of crabs!

[ all gasp ]

[ indistinct shouting ]

>> [ chuckles ]

Everyone knows krabby patties

Are me family's secret recipe,

Boy.

>> then explain this!

[ all gasp, murmuring ]

You said you fired carl, the

Night janitor, but this is his

Tattoo!

>> you little yellow bastard!

I treated you like a son, me

Boy!

>> and it's not just crabs!

Squidward, those calamari rings

Are squid!

And your chicken-of-the-sea

Salad -- ha! -- tuna!

Chicken of the sea is tuna!

>> [ gasps ]

>> you fed us to us!

>> you let us pay you to kill

Us?!

>> you're disgusting!

>> no!

I'm the last honest man in

Bikini bottom!

We're all animals, boys and

Girls!

Eating each other is what nature

Intended!

[ all shouting,

Punches landing ]

>> I'm just glad nothing

Disgusting happens to a sponge.

>> okay, just got to scrub deep

Within your rolls of fat, and

We're done.

I said nothing disgusting ever

Happens to a sponge!

>> ugh, I hope that's pudding in

There.

>> I sure was lucky to get a job

After my first two nights at the

Museums.

Oh, hell, no!

>> today, I consider meself...

The lou gehrig-est man on the

Face of the earth.

[ elevator dings ]

>> [ thinking ] Well, if it

Isn't this loser.

Snarf, snarf!

>> [ thinking ] Oh, man, please

Don't let this fool start

Talking to me.

>> what are you hiding under

That pointy hat, feeb --

He-man's spray tanner?

Snarf, snarf!

>> this pathetic jackass can't

Even go one sentence without

Saying his own name.

>> nice bathrobe, douche!

Snarf, snarf.

>> what if I had a vocal

Affectation that annoying?

Hope it doesn't rain today.

Orko, orko!

Would you like fries with that?

Orko, orko!

I'd end up in a shallow grave.

Asshole.

>> snarf.

[ elevator dings ]

Oh, no!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

>> [ mumbling ]

>> [ aloud ] Oh, okay.

Snarf, snarf.

[ thinking ] Speak english, you

Half-wit!

Snarf, snarf!

>> [ aloud ] Uh-huh, yeah.

I see.

[ thinking ] Kill me, kill me,

Kill me.

[ elevator dings ]

>> [ thinking ] [ mumbling ]

Oh, crap!

Do not turn around, please, you

Son of a bitch!

Oh, no, do not turn around!

Don't turn around!

>> gleek, it's me --

Andy richter!

Oh, seeing you here reminds me

Of a great conan story.

[ indistinct shouting ]

>> [ laughs ]

>> [ sniffs ]

A wonderful day to make

Cookies -- cookies with the

Finest ingredients, the

Smoothest chocolate.

[ sniffs ]

Oh, that I lived to see this

Day.

[ inhales deeply ]

[ horn blowing ]

>> are you sure, ernest?

>> yes.

Listen to the voice upon the

Wind.

You will know it to be true.

>> cookie.

[ all gasp ]

>> cookie!

[ all gasp ]

>> cookie!

[ all shout ]

>> hold!

>> [ roaring, chomping ]

[ indistinct screaming ]

>> hold!

>> [ roaring, chomping

Continue ]

[ woman screams ]

>> hold!

I owed them overtime.

[ chuckles nervously ]

>> uh, b-b-b-but you owe me

Overtime, which is no big deal.

>> [ roaring ]

>> [ breathing heavily ]

>> cookie!

Cookie!

Cookie!

>> I didn't sign up for this!

I just wanted to make cookies!

>> I'm making cookies in my

Pants right now!

They're shaped like poo!

Aah!

>> cookie!

[ growls ]

Agh! Unh!

Ohh! Ohh!

Aaaaah!

>> now give the monster what he

Wants!

>> diabetes?

>> good comment on modern

Culture, but no -- cookies!

>> [ choking ]

>> faster, buckets!

Pack that fudge!

Pack that fudge, damn it!

>> [ giggles ]

>> save your immaturity for when

We're not about to be killed,

You idiot!

[ giggles ] Fudge.

>> cookie monster can't stop --

Can't stop eating cookies!

[ choking ]

[ all cheering ]

>> [ cries ]

They didn't know he have cookie

Addiction!

It like they feed heroin to

Junkie!

>> it was a home invasion!

They acted in self-defense!

>> order, please! Order!

The court finds in favor of

Keebler incorporated!

I guess that's the way the

Cookie crumbles.

>> me son is dead and you make

Pun?!

Me kill you!

Me [bleep] Kill you!

[ roars ]

>> ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk

Bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk

Bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk

Bawk bawk ♪

Ba-gawk! Bawk.