Original subtitles

X-timestamp-map=local:00:00:00.000,mpegts:9000

[ thunder crashing ] [ drilling, sawing ]

[ electricity crackling ] >> it's alive!

[ electricity crackling ] >> it's alive!

>> so, that ends our lesson on Stds.

Next, I'm gonna show you how to Use a condom.

>> uh, who the hell are you?

>> what the -- where the hell Did all these half-baby,

Half-cabbages come from?

Oh, damn it, carl!

>> that boy carl jerk off in the Cabbages again?!

>> he sure did!

>> you got to fire that boy!

>> I'm gonna fire him right now.

Carl, you are fired, sir!

>> carl, you are fired and Disgusting!

>> I got this, honey. Carl -- >> you can't jerk off on

Someone's produce!

>> I-I told him that, honey.

You're not allowed to be here, Carl!

>> you're [bleep] With our Livelihood!

>> I tried to help you, son, Because you're homeless and

Drug-addled, but you cannot be Masturbating on our produce,

Son.

>> carl, that is not the way you Make a baby, by [bleep] On a

Cabbage head!

>> I got it, honey.

>> [bleep] We can't sell it if It's covered in your semen.

>> he knows.

I've already told him.

Carl, get out of here!

>> you're [bleep] Disgusting!

>> you are fired, fired, fired, Fired!

>> I do not think we're gonna be Able to recommend you for

Another job, unless that job Implies that you are supposed to

Have semen on produce!

>> I'm not gonna recommend you.

If anyone calls me, I'm gonna Tell them you are a chronic

Masturbator!

>> [bleep] There's semen everywhere!

>> this is your last warning!

Come out or we're coming in!

[ helicopter blades whirring ] >> okay, move, move, move, move!

>> [ gasps ] >> there he is!

>> what, behind the turkey?

>> get him!

[ turkey gobbling ] >> [ groaning ]

>> so, on this day of Thanksgiving, I,

President obama, hereby pardon This turkey.

[ both gasp ] >> obama -- soft on crime.

Vote sarah palin 2012.

>> dead or alive, you're coming With me.

>> not gonna happen.

>> [ sighs ] Well, I guess that's it, then.

I made my first pizza as a boy Of 13, and now I'm making my

Last pizza tonight.

>> nobody made them like you, Gramps.

>> hi. Got a pizza for Silverstein?

>> ha ha ha!

Here you are, son.

You got the last one.

>> aw, thanks.

>> enjoy.

[ bells jingle, door closes ] [ sobbing ]

[ muttering ] >> aah! Aah!

[ whistle! ] Aah!

Ow! Son of a bitch!

Ah, screw it.

I'll go to burger king.

Stupid pizza. [ grunts ] [ horn honks ]

>> ah, pizza!

[ grunting ] >> hey!

I want that pizza!

[ whip! ] I'm starving!

[ both grunting ] >> poop on it!

>> [ groaning, farting ] >> [bleep]

>> the old man later died.

[ dramatic music plays ] >> [ bleats ]

>> tarzan love jane.

>> I love you, too, tar-- >> but tarzan not in love with

Jane.

>> hello, yellow!

>> hello!

[ spy music plays ] >> do it! Do it!

Just do it!

[ gunshot ] [ crowd screaming ]

>> [ snorts ] [ wrist device beeping ]

>> what's he doing?

>> take him down! Take him down!

[ cellphone beeps ] >> [ laughs ]

Oh, he was texting me.

>> we should, uh, probably get Our stories straight.

>> mmm! Mom, this is so good.

What is it?

>> it's called "Cole slaw," Honey, also known as

"Poor-people Salad."

>> mmm! It's delicious!

How do you make it?

>> are you my daddy?

>> sure, kid.

>> oh. This doesn't seem right.

[ screaming ] [ screaming continues ]

>> so, I just moved to l.A.

You want to get some Dunkin' donuts?

>> brah, we don't have Dunkin' donuts in l.A.

[ eerie music plays ] >> "Knock, knock."

"Who's there?" "Steve jobs."

"Well, you've made my life Awesome."

"Oh? How gracious of you, America."

>> oh, compact disc, so clear, So crisp.

Jobs will pay for making you Obsolete.

Have at thee!

[ disc shatters ] You've ruined my plan!

>> what?

Jobs would be dead right now if you hadn't shown up.

>> who are you?

>> I'm zuneman!

>> ah, the legends are true.

>> that's right!

>> there is a sadder hero than Myself.

>> hey! At least I'm not an Outdated format that's only used

As a coaster now.

>> oh, no, no, no, no.

You're worse.

Your state-of-the-art software And crystal-clear sound quality

Are matched only by your Terrible product design and

Counterintuitive menu display.

>> we're working on it!

[ grunts ] >> well, for someone with

120 gigs, you move pretty slow.

[ whoosh! Slice! ] >> ruh-roh!

Looks like somebody's got a Scratch.

Guess I'll have to buy a new One.

>> they have repair kits!

[ gunshot ] >> what are you doing here, cd?

I told you, you're over.

[ shing! ] [ gun cocks ]

Don't make me kill you.

>> you already have!

Aaah!

>> he's dead.

>> who are you?

>> I'm zune!

>> really?

[ laughing ] Wow!

What a terrible design.

>> make it quick.

>> hmm...

I wouldn't waste the bullets.

>> please!

Don't leave me like this.

No!

>> daddy, what's that?

>> I think it's a pager.

[ banging ] >> hey, what's that?

W-who's there?

Damn it, alfonse!

That's coming out of your College fund.

>> [ crying ] >> [ gasps ] A teddy ruxpin?!

He can play any tape, and he Moves his mouth along with the

Words!

Oh! Thanks, uncle gallagher!

>> let's try it out!

I've got a copy of my stand-up Special, "Melon crazy."

[ electricity crackles ] [ whip! Whip! ]

[ warble! Whip! ] >> aah!

[ grunts ] [ glass shatters ]

Aah!

No! He's got a cyanide capsule.

Don't you bite down, you son of A bitch!

You're gonna play my tape!

>> [ gurgles ] >> he's -- he's gone.

Ah. We'll have to listen to it In the living room.

>> [ gasps ] >> n-o-o-o-o-o!

>> whoo! All right!

I'm nicky passion, and I'm here To show you how to manage your

Team and...

>> all: achieve your dream!

>> all right!

Oh, check out the mug on this One.

Hey, mirror, mirror on your Face, what brought you to this

Helpful place?

>> well, I run my own business.

>> I'm kidding, rearview.

I read your bio.

I know the story.

Let's take a look at your video.

>> next time, g.I. Joe!

Next time, g.I. Joe!

Next time, g.I. Joe.

>> but that next time never Comes, does it?

>> no.

>> maybe it's time you stopped Cobra commanding and start cobra

Commending.

You run one of the most Successful terrorist

Organizations in the world.

Isn't that something to be proud Of?

>> I guess.

>> maybe once you step back and Look, you'll realize that you've

Already...

>> all: achieved your dream!

>> that's not exactly my dream.

I paid $300 for this?

>> I'm sorry, sir.

I don't see a name tag for Cy-kill.

>> but I told crasher to book my Trip.

She must have failed me.

You see, I need this seminar More than anyone.

>> sorry.

There's really nothing I can do.

>> well, there's nothing you can Do about me taking all the free

Cookies.

[ engine revs ] [ laughing evilly ]

>> I am megatron, leader of the Decepticons.

>> aw, sounds more like a Self-decepticon.

[ laughs ] Let's take a look.

>> this is your fault, megatron!

You're firing blanks, megatron!

How do my balls taste, megatron?

>> and what's your girl friday's Name?

>> starscream.

>> listen to me now, tons of Fun.

It's not the gun in the fight But the fight in the gun.

And this guy here is Starscreaming for an

Ass-whupping!

Listen to me now.

You stand for number one, but You always sit for number two.

>> ah. Thank you.

>> all right. There you go.

All right. We got time for one More, folks.

Where is -- [ scooter beeping ]

[ whip! ] Charmin, you all good?

>> what? Who's there?

>> whoops.

I think I woke him, folks.

>> who's there?

>> anyway, tommy, do me a favor And put that shame spotlight on

The gay blade in 13c!

>> oh, oh, nicky!

>> bones, what the hell are you Doing here?

I told you, man, I can't help You.

>> but I've been doing the Exercises you gave me and

Writing in my dream journal.

>> have -- have you defeated He-man once yet?

>> well -- >> just once?

>> I mean, what does "Defeated" Even really mean, you know?

I mean, one man's defeat is just Another man's -- hee hee, I'll

Just go.

>> all right, get on out of Here.

And remember, folks, you can't Be the top dog if you act like a

Pussy.

Enjoy your lunch!

[ rock-'n'-roll music plays ] [ indistinct conversations ]

[ cloth unraveling ] >> all: [ murmuring ]

>> I can see your mumm-balls.

>> watch out! Evil raisin!

>> oh, looks like an old Hacky sack.

>> ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪ ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk Bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪ ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk Bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪ ♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk Bawk bawk ♪

Ba-gawk! Bawk.