Original subtitles

X-timestamp-map=local:00:00:00.000,mpegts:9000

[ thunder crashing ]

[ drilling, sawing ]

[ electricity crackling ]

>> it's alive!

>> you take the blue pill, our

Story ends.

You take the red pill, you stay

In wonderland, and I show you

How deep the rabbit hole goes.

>> [ gulps ]

>> oh, hello, rabbit hole.

>> cy-kill is on our tail,

Scooter.

We need to go faster.

>> [ chuckling ] No problem,

Leader-1.

Initiating walker mode!

Hold onto your go-butt!

>> let's cut this sketch.

>> welp, they cut nasa's budget

Again!

Early retirement with no

Benefits!

I -- I-I think I might be having

A breakdown, jeannie.

>> oh, no!

Does master need a back rub?

>> are you listening to me?!

Master needs a damn minute to

Himself!

>> hmph!

Maybe I'll just spend the night

In my bottle.

>> your bottle's gonna spend the

Night up your ass if you don't

Conjure up some whiskey and a

Fistful of pills!

[ canned laughter ]

[ boing! ]

[ gulping ]

>> all right, main boosters are

Ready for a "Go."

It's a beautiful morning for a

Launch, ladies and gentlemen.

[ alarm beeps ]

Uh, hold on.

Uh, charlie delta, there appears

To be a giant old-timey lollipop

With an erection approaching

Your shuttle.

Be on aware.

>> [ giggling ]

>> [ slurring ] I'm here for my

Exit interview, space [bleep]

>> master! Oh, please!

>> please wish for it to start

Raining eyeballs?!

[ laughs ]

You got it!

>> gentlemen, we have some

Weather.

>> I am mictecacihuatl, the

Aztec goddess of death!

>> aah!

[ both roaring ]

>> uh, mission control, we have

A visual on the cast of

"Good times" chewing on the fuel

Cable for thruster three.

Jimmie "J.J." "Kid dy-no-mite"

Walker is almost through the

Insulation.

Can you confirm? Over.

>> negative, charlie delta.

Attempting to communicate with a

Sentient victorian doll, over.

>> [ deep bellow ]

>> I now know what hell sounds

Like.

Recommend a tactical nuclear

Strike at my position.

Tell my family I love them.

>> oh, there, there, master.

>> [ chuckling ] Yes.

A giant butt!

Oh, I showed them all, didn't I?

>> oh.

>> did you bring the money?

>> it's right here.

It's all there, you son of a

Bitch -- $5 million in bearer

Bonds.

Now give me my son!

>> [ whistles ]

>> jayden!

>> daddy!

>> thank god!

>> okay, guess we're all done

Here.

>> okay. Yeah. I-I guess we are.

>> unless you went to the

[bleep] Cops!

>> you said no cops.

Is some [bleep] Sniper gonna

Kill me the second I walk away?

>> no.

Is there a [bleep] Trace in

This briefcase?

>> no.

Are you just gonna kidnap my son

Again later?

>> why would I?

I have $5 million.

>> we'll be right back with

Another thrilling tale of...

>> bark! Bark!

>> you're doing it!

>> bark! Bark!

>> good girl, lassie!

Oh, you bitch!

>> [ chuckles ]

Apologies, my dear.

It's...Kind of what I am known

For.

>> daddy, how do they get the

Cork in the bottle?

>> well, abigail...

>> ungh! Aaaaah!

[ cries ]

>> stop crying and tell lies!

>> a-abigail is a good little

Girl!

>> ungh! Aaaaah!

>> [ voice breaking ] W-what?

>> yep.

Pinocchio must have read your

Diary.

[ mid-tempo r&b music plays ]

>> whoo!

>> ♪ everything in this jungle

Wanna eat you, baby ♪

♪ I can't blame 'em, 'cause you

Look so fine ♪

♪ I want to give you sexual

Rabies ♪

>> ♪ sexual rabies ♪

>> ♪ gimme that sweet, sweet

Monkey vagine ♪

♪ though I want to put your

Pelvis in traction ♪

♪ on pandora, the main

Attraction is ♪

>> ♪ blue rabbits [bleep] ♪

>> whoo!

>> ♪ blue rabbits [bleep] Yeah ♪

>> whoo!

>> ♪ blue rabbits [bleep] ♪

>> ♪ you know, you won't see

Rabbit sex in

"The lord of the rings" ♪

♪ smack her in the ass with your

Ponytail thing ♪

♪ jake sully was a soldier in a

Bad position ♪

♪ he won't be scoring with that

Spinal condition ♪

♪ they put him in a body with a

Tail and fangs ♪

♪ and what we are presuming is

An ♪

>> ♪ indigo wang ♪

>> ♪ now he's gonna nail all the

Beaver he wanna ♪

♪ while the animators spank it

To zoe zaldana-a-a ♪

♪ and now we've got ♪

>> ♪ blue rabbits [bleep] ♪

>> whoo!

>> ♪ blue rabbits [bleep] Yeah ♪

>> whoo!

>> ♪ blue rabbits [bleep] ♪

>> ♪ blue rabbits [bleep] ♪

Everywhere! ♪

>> and now a word from

James cameron.

>> ork! Ork! Ork! Ork! Ork!

>> ♪ this whole planet's got

[bleep] Stench ♪

♪ you can smell it on the

Other -- ♪

>> yay!

>> [ grunting ]

Got to go!

[ farts ]

>> and that's why bottled water

Is an $8 billion industry.

>> getting it clean.

>> I'm sorry, twiki.

You have diabete-bete-betes.

>> this lasik procedure

Shouldn't take very long, fred.

The success rate is very, very

Low.

>> you think this is bad?

My last job was giving late-term

Abortions to unwed teens.

[ canned laughter ]

>> dean proffitt, since you knew

That wealthy socialite had

Amnesia, your actions amount to

Kidnapping, forced servitude,

And rape.

The court sentences you to

Death.

>> [ chuckling ] Oh! Hey, hey!

Let's not go overboard.

>> [ laughs ]

Okay, you can go.

>> whoo-hoo!

[ both chuckling ]

>> I've had the best time

Tonight.

>> me too.

You know, when jennifer said she

Had a cute friend, I had no idea

She'd be a silverhawk.

>> let's, um...

Skip dessert.

What do you think?

>> that is so hot!

[ clank! ]

How do I take your armor off?

>> armor?

[ chuckles ]

That's my body.

>> [ chuckling ] W-what?

>> partly metal, partly real?

It's in our theme song.

>> oh. Yeah.

I-I, uh...So, well -- so how do

We?

>> just pound on my crotch with

This ball-peen hammer.

[ clanging ]

>> oh, yes! Yes!

>> yeah? Am I doing it?

>> harder! Do it! Okay! Yes!

>> all right. I'm swinging it.

Yeah, yeah. You like that?

Yeah, yeah.

Is this doing something?

Ow! Oh, piss on it!

I hit my thumb!

[ clanging in distance ]

>> shh. Do you hear that?

>> I think I want to go home

Now.

>> are you ready for another

Incredible adventure?

>> all: yeah!

>> casper?

>> oh, no. It's my mom.

>> oh, my god! Casper!

You've come back to me!

>> no, mom.

I came back to have fun

Adventures with my new friends.

Duh.

>> new friends?

Casper, I've been crying every

Day for the last two years!

[ crying ] Why'd you have to

Play by the pool, casper?!

>> come on, guys.

Let's ditch this wet blanket and

Play!

>> [ cackles ]

This next tale of terror follows

The unusual death of one

Chet masterson, who -- wait a

Minute.

I knew a chet masterson.

Can we find out if...I-it's the

Same one?

No, I guess that was a couple

Months ago.

He's dead? You're kidding me.

No. No. I can't do this, guys.

It wouldn't be right.

I knew him.

No! [bleep] you, jerry!

I'm not reading it!

>> [ gasps ]

"Debbie does dallas"?

"Taboo"?

The collected works of

Eva angelina!

Finally, I have time -- all the

Time in the world!

[ snap ]

Ooh! Oop!

No.

That's not fair.

There was time now.

There was finally time!

>> now, joes, keep your faces

Right in the dirt and --

[ sniffs ]

Oh! What the hell?!

This smells like dog [bleep]

>> [ laughs ]

Duke, looks like you just rolled

Craps!

[ laughter ]

>> doo-doo head!

[ freedom screeches ]

>> hey!

[ polly squawks ]

Hey!

[ wolf growls ]

Hey!

All right, joes.

We've got work to do, so --

[ splash ]

Aw, a cat pissed in my helmet!

>> sorry, duke.

That was my sidekick, cat scan.

>> why is everyone bringing

Animals into the pit?!

>> it's all right here in the

Handbook, duke -- one animal per

Joe.

>> wait a minute.

You mean we all get a pet?

[ excited indistinct talking ]

[ engines rumble ]

>> the element of surprise.

Duke to gung-ho, you better be

Ready.

>> ready, duke.

These cobras won't know what --

[ elephant trumpets ]

Quiet, dumbolaya!

For the love of --

Dumbo!

>> oh, the sneak attack is

Blown.

All joes attack!

>> here we go, stink bomb.

Let's roast some snakes.

[ flamethrower whooshes ]

[ skunk screeches ]

>> no! This can't be going on!

Oh, me bones!

Oh, they're torchin' me bones!

I've torched my own bones!

>> eat throwing star, cobra

Scum.

[ dog barks ]

Lumpy, no!

[ dog whines ]

>> roses are red, pansies are

Orange.

I love killing cobras -- ow!

[ horse whinnies ]

[ indistinct shouting ]

>> oh, no! The animals!

The animals have ruined

Everything!

>> no, duke.

There's still one more pet --

Mine.

[ whale calls ]

[ crash ]

>> deep six, that's medal of

Honor material right there.

Oh, look out.

[ both laugh ]

>> in your face, everyone who

Said I was useless!

[ upbeat hip-hop music plays ]

>> [ scoffs ]

Aren't you a little old to be

Clubbing, dude?

>> I'm only 25.

I have progeria.

[ cackles ]

I'm not getting in, am I?