Original subtitles

Yeah.

Joan Collins revealed...

We need the TV, Mike.

Can't you see I'm in the middle of a show here?

Yeah? Well, I've got a better show.

Mom took all the home movies...

and put them on tape so we could see them.

Why?

- Well, this ought to be fun. - Hurry up, Ben.

- Front row. - Dad, come on, you're embarrassing me.

What, not excited about seeing yourself in diapers with drool down your chin?

All right, come on.

Well, he could just look in the mirror to see that.

Oh, Mike was such a cute little baby.

Yeah, all right. Look, I have to go study, okay?

What's the matter, there's a full moon?

Look, I'm really sorry I'm gonna miss out on all this family fun.

Gee, I do really love it too, you know, when we pal around like this...

but I have to study...

Mike, your mother has gone to a lot of trouble putting these films on tape.

It's okay, if he doesn't want to see them.

Oh, he does.

Dad, are you suggesting that I shouldn't study?

Yes, I am, Mike.

I think you're spending far too much time studying...

and too little time staring blankly at the TV.

Ben, I'm not waiting for you, and your tape is first.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Ben, you just ate a full dinner.

This isn't for me.

This is for my family who I love.

Here we go.

Hey, you said the first tape was me.

This is Mike.

Ohh.

Gee, Mike, you sure look like a weenie.

All right, look, I'm staying, all right?

The least you can do is put off my humiliation until he's asleep.

Well, this sure cuts into my fun. How about you, Maggie?

Yes, humiliating Mike was the one reason I had these movies transferred.

Yeah.

But if he'll stop making snide comments...

and join in the fun by playing background music...

just so five years of piano lessons don't go down the drain.

Yeah, all right.

Look, now, I know this family fun is gonna kill me.

This is my tape.

She's a maniac, maniac, I know

And she's dancing Like she's never danced before

I'm not playing this while he's here.

Could you guys be a little bit mature and just let a tape play?

What is this? Who is this?

I bet you forgot we even had these.

Hey, Dad, you never told us you had a brother who was a geek.

That's Dad.

He's the geek.

Come on, Dad.

Come on, Mom went to a lot of trouble to put these movies on tape.

- Yeah. - Oh, it's okay.

If he doesn't want to see them, it's okay.

Oh, Maggie, I want to see my tape, yes.

Hey, I know, let's watch my tape.

No, no, I'll be proud to show my tape.

- Yay! - I'll be thrilled to show my tape.

Thank you, Mike.

This is the far-out group you led in college?

That's us. The Wild Hots.

Come on, guys, it was the perfect name.

They were wild and they were hot.

They were babies, look at them.

You were on TV?

Yes, the Rock 'n' Roll Talent Search.

We were the state finalists from Rhode Island.

Ooh!

I still remember my dad's reaction...

when you came to pick me up in that costume.

He said you looked like a Vietcong.

Well, he wasn't young and hip like we were.

He was the same age you are now.

- No. - Yes.

- Really? - Really.

No, he was pushing fort... No.

Oh, they're doing the twist.

Gross.

Well, we seem to be low on popcorn. I think I'll make some more.

- Oh, honey, I'm sorry. - Oh, Dad.

All right, I'm out of here.

Hey, I know, let's watch my tape.

Ben, the party's over.

Aww.

You're very quiet tonight.

Mm.

In fact, you're so quiet, it's like you're not even here.

Jason?

Honey, I was talking to you.

Sorry.

I think seeing yourself that young made you feel a little old.

Old? Ha!

In fact, I would guess that you were in that bathroom staring in the mirror...

probably looking for gray hairs.

Well, you couldn't be more wrong.

I'm hardly the kind of guy who goes looking for gray hairs.

I'm sorry, you're right.

That's ridiculous. You weren't looking for gray hairs.

- I'm a young man. - Okay, okay, I'm sorry.

It's just that you've never been so sensitive about your age.

And I'm not now, either.

Even though, as you point out, I am the same age as your parents were...

when we met, which is not true because your dad was six months older.

- Bye, Mom. - Ben, where are you going?

- Stinky's, I told Dad. - Ben.

Mom.

Now, I'm glad you told your father that you were going to Stinky's.

But your father doesn't know I wanted you to clean your room.

But, Mom, I promised Stinky he could see the tape of Dad looking funny.

No, absolutely not.

Then I don't get to see the pictures of Stinky's mom before she got fat.

Ben, go to your room and don't come out until it's clean.

Mom, I'm gonna go to the schoolyard and shoot some hoops.

Okay. Hoops? Mike, wait.

- No, my room's clean, Mom. - No.

Clean clothes in the drawer, dirty in the hamper.

- Mike. - What?

That's not what I want to talk about.

You mean I did all that for nothing?

- Mike, I wanna ask you a favor. - What?

Well, you see, after watching all those old movies last night...

well, your father started feeling old.

Well, he is.

I mean old as in out of it, over the hill.

Yeah.

Michael, please, I want you to help me make your father feel younger.

Is that so hard for you to understand?

Now, Mom, how can he feel old when he's married to a young fox like you?

Ohh.

Michael, would you please play a little basketball with your dad?

And... - Throw the game? - Well...

- Take a dive? - Yeah.

- And don't let him know about it? - Right.

Hey, no problem. I'm an old hand at fooling Dad.

Oh, Dad.

Dad?

Such a nice boy...

with such a foxy young mother.

Hey, nice drive, Dad.

- Hey, what can I say? I'm good. - Yeah.

Here we go.

Whoa.

Oh! You are too quick today, Dad.

Yes.

You wouldn't by any chance be letting me win, would you?

Letting you win?

Are you kidding? Why would I do that?

Well, for one thing, your mom doesn't like to admit she's wrong.

- Mom? - Uh-uh.

Now, why would she think that you feel old?

- I mean, she doesn't think... - I'm warning you, Mike.

Don't start patronizing your old ma... Your father, okay?

Because I can still keep up with you, you know. Uh-huh.

- Yes. - Yeah, right, Dad.

No, really. Come on, take your best shot.

Come on, we'll see who's sucking wind at the end of this one, okay?

- All right. - Come on.

None of that hot dog stuff either.

- That's what we were... - Real game.

Unless you're afraid to be humiliated. I'll understand.

You gonna try out for the girls' team this year?

- No, all right. Let's go. - Let's see what you're packing. Come on.

Okay, lucky shot.

Come on, Dad, that's 28. I've had it.

Yeah.

All right, I'll let you off the hook this time.

Come on, Dad.

Only 25 more points and you're right back in it.

Come on, Ben. Can't you see the man's tired?

Ohh.

What's the matter? You're afraid I'm gonna catch up?

I'm just getting my second wind.

All right, Dad. Come on, you can do it.

- Shut him down. - Yeah.

Hey, come on, Dad.

Hey, Dad, you all right?

I slipped on something right there.

Ow.

- What is it? - I turned my ankle.

Yeah, I knew we played too long. Parents never listen.

No, look, I'm fine, all right? Just give me a minute.

I'll walk it off.

Look, Dad, I'm really bushed. I couldn't play another second, all right?

- Okay. - All right, great.

I'm gonna go to school, get in a game. See you later.

Dad, I think you're a radical player.

- Yeah, well, I know how to play. - Especially for a guy your age.

Ow!

Don't worry, Dad, I'll take care of you.

Ben, what are you doing here?

I live here.

We're supposed to have Dad out of the house by now.

What do you want from me? The man had to go to the bathroom.

- Ben, where's your dad? - In the bathroom, I hope.

So, what do you think, Ben?

I think this is gonna make him even more depressed.

Oh, no, Ben.

Once he starts playing rock 'n' roll, he's gonna feel like this again.

And that's good?

You bet.

- Where do we stash this till the party? - In the kitchen.

I'll have your father go out the front door.

Okay.

I'll get it.

I'm Dave Sacks from Party Animal Party Rentals.

- You're early. - That's our policy.

- No. - Yes, it is.

No, it's supposed to be a surprise for my dad and my dad is still here.

Bummer. JASON: Let's go, Ben.

Well, maybe I could...

Come on, Ben, this was your idea to go to the zoo.

- Let's go. - This is gonna be great.

I wanna spend the whole day at the snake house.

Anybody else wanna come?

No, I've got things to do.

- Carol? - Oh, no, darn it.

You know how I love to see God's creatures in cages, but I have to study.

Let's roll. CAROL: Um...

No, you have to go through the kitchen.

- No. - Carol, the kitchen floor is wet.

Well, so is the porch.

- Carol. - Mom.

Apparently, there's no way out, Ben. I guess we'll have to stay here.

No.

What's going on here?

Oh, I know.

The kitchen floor is probably dry by now. You can go out that way, Jason.

Thanks, Maggie.

So the kitchen it is then.

Hey, you all have fun now, all right?

Mike, what's this?

What's what, Dad?

What's the mess you're making?

This mess, as you call it, just happens to be my project for art class.

I call it Hold the Onions or I'll Kill You.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Seaver, you're good.

And the kid can paint.

Hello, test. One, two, three. Louder, Carol.

Ladies and gentlemen... Bruce Springsteen.

- Mike. - Yeah, Mom?

Can you hold it down? We have a lot to do.

All right, Mom, no problem.

Well, we have less than an hour left. Is everything ready?

Voilà.

Ladies and gentlemen, Madonna.

Carol, not you too.

I don't know, Mom.

If this doesn't cheer Dad up, you ought to divorce him.

Of course it'll work.

He'll be seeing his old friends, his old band. It'll give him a whole new outlook.

I'll get it.

Carol, would you and Mike put up more balloons?

Okay.

- Rick. - Maggie.

How are you?

Wild and hot.

Well, you look sensational.

You haven't changed a bi...

Well, maybe just a little bit, huh?

Oh, wow.

Oh! The Wild Hots never played in a place this classy before.

Kids, this is Rick.

Rick, this is Carol and Mike.

- Hi. - Hi.

Oh, Maggie.

Ohh.

By the way, Maggie...

The Wild Hots are gonna sound a little thin tonight.

We don't have a keyboard man.

Warren said he'd be here.

Well, he's had a little coronary.

- Oh, dear. - Nothing serious.

He'll be up and around in a week.

Wait a minute, wait. Mike can fill in on keyboards.

Hey, Mom, look, I don't know any of those old, stupid fogey...

Classics.

If you know five chords, then you know two more than we do.

I felt my life begin

So open up your heart and let

This fool rush in

So open up your heart and let

This fool rush in

Radical.

Now, Mom, if we go through with this...

there's a chance Dad's gonna drown himself.

Well, I don't think it sounded that bad.

Maggie, do you have any aspirin?

I rest my case.

Okay, okay. Mike, you're right.

But what am I supposed to do? I can't throw all these people out.

All right, all right, Mom. Now, we can handle this.

I could set the kitchen on fire.

No, I like the kitchen.

All right, how about Dad's office?

Oh, no, look, I'll handle this, okay?

Rick?

Rick?

Hey.

Excuse me, everyone.

We've had a slight change of plans...

and I just learned that Jason has been called into the hospital...

on an emergency in another state. - Ohh.

I know, I know.

I'm as disappointed as you are, but he won't be back for days.

Surprise.

What's with you people?

What is this?

Look at... Peggy, it's nice to... Oh!

It's been years. Doug, how are you?

Maggie, what's the occasion here?

Ladies and gentlemen, the founder of The Wild Hots...

Jamming Jason Seaver.

- Hey. - Hey.

How are you? Good to see you guys.

I think it's going well. Do you think it's going well?

I think it's going well.

Oh, this is great. Where's Warren?

He had a... He had a heart attack.

- A what? - He'll be fine.

He's 38 years old.

Yeah, I guess he's finally learned he can't keep up with the youngsters.

Excuse me, Jason, can I talk to you?

Better make it quick.

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees

People say we monkey around

We're too busy singin'

To put anybody down

Can you imagine that? A heart attack at 38.

Oh, honey, I had no idea when I planned this.

What about Rick's chrome dome?

Well, a lot of men lose their hair early.

Yeah, if they handle nuclear waste in their shorts.

Honey, the last thing I wanted to do was depress you.

Oh, I'm not depressed.

- You are too. - No, I'm not.

Seeing how these guys look now even depresses me.

Well, they do have a few miles on them, don't they?

A few miles?

How about the entire interstate highway system?

And they're the same age I am.

Oh, honey, compared to them, you look like Ricky Schroder.

Yes, yes, I do.

Younger than Ricky Schroder.

And I'm the same age as these guys.

Not that that matters.

Jason, I've been trying for two weeks to tell you that you weren't old...

- But would I listen? - No.

Dude, we knocked the rust off the edges and we're really cooking.

We need The Jammer.

This song's for you. It's gonna make you wild and hot.

One, two, three, four.

Just take those old records off the shelf

I'll sit and listen to them by myself

Today's music ain't got the same soul

As that old-time rock 'n' roll

Call me a rebel, call me what you will

Say I'm old-fashioned, say I'm over the hill

Today's music ain't got the same soul

As that old-time rock 'n' roll

- Still love that old-time rock 'n' roll - Rock 'n' roll

- The kind of music just soothes my soul - Soothes my soul

- I reminisce about the days of old - Days of old

- And that old-time rock 'n' roll - Rock 'n' roll

- Come on, Dad, I can't keep up with you. - Don't you forget it, kid.

- Still love that old-time rock 'n' roll - Rock 'n' roll

- The kind of music just soothes my soul - Soothes my soul

- I reminisce about the days of old - Days of old

- And that old-time rock 'n' roll - Rock 'n' roll

Rock 'n' roll

Soothes my soul

If I gave my heart

To you

I must be sure From the very start

That you Would love me - Jason? - Hm?

How long are you gonna play your guitar?

Just a few more minutes, I promise.

If I trust in you

Oh, please

Maggie, I can't play in the dark.

Well, I can.