Original subtitles

-I've had pitch meetings before, Zein.

-Coffee? -This never happens to me when I'm on my own.

-Congratulations. You're a woman now.

-You bought all these? -I did.

-Could I get your number?

-I'm trying to show them that I can do funny, Zein. -Uh...

-I saw Sally earlier. Give her a call.

-You want to meet Lottie? -Oh, my God! [Chuckles]

♪♪

-Really? I like your feet.

Really?

No, you don't.

You don't have manly toes. You have a manly mustache.

-Tara? She was here till, like, midnight.

Well, what happened to her feet between 12:00 a.m.

and now that it requires a committee meeting?

Get off the phone.

-I got to go. I'll call you later.

-Baba, can Lottie come with me to see Santa?

[Doorbell ringing] -Uh, no, Nancy.

No, no, no. I'll get it, your bishop.

-Grinch. What's his problem?

-I think he's upset about mom. -Ohh!

Who's coming to the wonderful winter mosque bazaar?

-Ooh, I want to go to a wonderful winter mosque bazaar.

-Well, then... [speaks foreign language]

-Un-un-un-un. -What, what, what?

-I-I-I-I just don't want anyone hugging me because I'm...

so full.

-Look at me.

Have you got Lottie in your pocket?

-Pbht! No! -Hmm?

-Maybe.

Yes.

-Put her back now. -Nancy,

you know lizards are cold-blooded.

She can't regulate her temperature

if she's stuck in your pocket.

-No fair. Mom would have let me.

-Nice, huh?

-You know, in Egypt,

we killed them with our flip-flops,

like this.

Dead, dead!

Dead! -Attaboy.

Merry Christmas, everyone. -Remember this moment, Layla.

You're going to need it for therapy in a few years' time.

Anyway, I'd love to join you, but, uh, I have an audition...

as a farmer. -Weed or opium?

-Ho-ho-ho, hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo. Boater, actually.

-[Squeals] I got it! My audition for the drama studies course!

-Yes! Yes! -Great!

-Hey, look at us and our auditions, hey?

Hey, do you want a part in "Crown of Thorns"?

It's practically green-lit.

-Will you help with my audition pieces?

-Yeah. Yeah. Of course. You just need to pick a piece

that shows off your emotional range.

It's a little bit tricky, but you have me.

Congratulations.

-There's a monologue I-I love that's in that.

-Oh, I wonder how many places there are.

I bet it's tiny. Like 12 or 14.

-Forget all that. Worry you about you.

Don't be worrying about anyone else.

-Why don't you just worry about you

and your tiles and floor article?

-Hey, don't speak to him like that.

Your dad has a lot of things going on.

Where do I even begin? He -- He has that animated series.

-That sounds cool. -It is cool.

-Super. -[Scoffs]

-Cheers.

-I know exactly what you need.

-[Speaks foreign language]

-Thanks. -Careful. It's hot.

-Ohh... -Thank you!

-[Speaks foreign language]

-Collect people's receipts now, do you?

-I like to read them at night

to see how much things are. -Yeah,

just don't go on and on and on.

-You know how many chickens you can buy for what you spent here?

-Hey. Yeah, we're at the coffee stand.

Uh, me, the younger two, and Chicken fucking Licken.

-No "fucking" in the mosque. Don't embarrass me. -Okay. Sorry.

Just hurry up.

-Okay. Bye, bye, bye, bye.

-Jesus, Cormac, what aftershave are you wearing?

-It's Lynx Africa. I'm trying to fit in.

What are those things called again?

-I don't know. Burqas?

No, no, they have netting. I can't remember. Ask Mo.

Jesus, would you stop waving? You look simple.

-Are they not allowed to wave? No?

Why are we here, Mom? I feel very uneasy.

I thought we were taking Nancy to see Santy.

-Cormac...

we need to stick together as a family.

The first Christmas since...

Just don't go upsetting me, now. Christ!

-I wouldn't mention Christ here, Mom.

-They believe in Jesus.

-Well, help me then. I don't want to offend anyone.

I don't know the rules.

-Mother of God, Cormac. It's a mosque, not North Korea.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Yep, yep. Hey.

♪♪

-Hey.

-What you buy inside? Is that my Christmas present?

-Yeah. I got you a prayer veil and some head scarves.

-I love head scarves.

I think you look very beautiful in yours, Layla.

You got a pretty face like your mom.

At least you know if you ever go bald,

you will have the skull for it.

-That's good to know. -Yeah.

-Feels fast, making arrangements.

-For what?

-Arrangements for Baba to meet a woman.

-I miss Lottie. Where's Granny?

There's no Santa here, and I'm hungry.

-We'll just get crisps. -Yes!

-Get crisps, Layla. -Yeah.

-Okay...

♪♪

-Mmm-mmm, I love it.

Thank you very much. -Thank you.

-I can't go on a date today.

You okay in your little head? -It's okay.

Not till 5:00. Simple. I take Layla to gym.

Nancy goes to center. You wash, get ready.

Go restaurant.

-But have you even seen her? -Oh!

Very beautiful. -You've seen her, have you?

-She is in real estate. Very, very successful.

-But have you seen her, though? -"Have you seen her? Have you seen her?"

Have you seen you?!

Miriam is perfect.

Divorced, successful, no children.

She has her own money. Very successful.

You know what? Forget it. Maybe I marry her.

-I don't want to get married.

Baba, I'm not up to meeting women right now.

Trust me. Please.

-Oh, Sammy. She won't bite you.

You're going. Don't embarrass me.

And I say Tracy die in car accident.

Don't mention ice cream. Not believable.

People think you push her.

-Unbelievable. -Look, look, look, look, look.

Lovely lady did my hand.

What's wrong? You look stressed.

-No, it's -- it's Mo. I have to do something for Baba.

Um, I'll see you later. -Mm-hmm.

-I'll see you.

Be good. Yeah? -I will.

♪♪

-These women inside told me that I shouldn't bother praying

if I'm dressed like this.

-They don't know you and where you are in your journey.

Only God knows what's in your heart.

-Yeah, well, He might need a translator

because I don't speak Arabic, do I?

-That's okay. You'll learn.

-How can I be Muslim if I don't speak Arabic?

Like, they won't accept me in Egypt.

And then the Irish people don't accept me because I wear this.

It's like I'm nothing. It's like I'm half a person.

I'm sick of the stupid questions like, "What are you?"

-Maybe you want to know what you are.

Every intelligent person asks themselves questions, Layla.

-I just want to be better than I was before.

Like, no one says it,

but when Mom died, that was all my fault.

-Listen to me, Layla.

You can be the best Muslim in the world,

but you can't stop people from dying.

All you can do is learn to be a good person.

You don't have to be Muslim to be kind and gentle.

Look at your granny.

But to be a good Muslim, you must be kind and gentle.

You didn't deserve any of this. And none of it is your fault.

You understand me?

-What about the terrorists? They're not kind and gentle.

-Well, they're just fucking crazy, Layla.

♪♪

-What does Miriam look like?

-I don't know. I imagine she's got clothes that fit her, though.

-Sexy name -- Miriam. Mmm. Miriam.

Miriam.

-I'm sure your girlfriend would be delighted

to hear you horn-dogging over the name "Miriam."

-Sally's not my girlfriend.

Casual. She's cool, man.

Oh, go on, spit it out. -Gladly. Okay.

Because she says it's cool, it's cool, is it?

-Yeah. Obviously. -[Laughs] You're such a narcissist.

-No, I'm not. It's just facts. -I know.

How could someone as perfect as you possibly be a narcissist?

-Mm. -Let me break it down for you.

Just because someone lets you treat them like shit

doesn't mean you have to.

-I don't treat them like shit, Sam.

-She really likes you.

If you don't feel the same, end it.

Just stop pulling her wings off and asking everyone to watch.

-Jesus, man, I only just said I think "Miriam" is a sexy name.

-Miriam means Mary, you budgie. It's hardly what I call sexy.

Of course, you are a wannabe butter farmer.

-Yeah, lose the tie. You look like a wanker.

Sorry. An even bigger wanker than you already are.

And by the way, I got that job, you racist fuck.

So, uh, is Miriam

going to need a chaperon or extra protection, you know?

-Unlike you, my dates don't require a chaperon

or pepper spray or tetanus.

-Lucky. [Cellphone ringing]

-Oh, look, it's not your girlfriend.

-All right.

Hey.

♪♪

♪♪

-My dad said you're in real estate. -Yeah.

I'm in recruitment, though. I invest in real estate.

Like, it gives the best medium-risk returns, right?

Do you have a portfolio?

-I have a little one. -[Scoffs] You have a little one?

-Omar!

Sorry my nephew's here.

Didn't have time to drop him home.

-I have an antique typewriter. Was owned by Stan Laurel.

It's fairly valuable. You know Laurel and Hardy?

He wrote "Sons of the Desert" on it.

-Oh. Cool.

-Yep, it is cool.

-[Slurping]

♪♪

-No, I'm wasted, man. No, I'm trippy.

Why don't we just watch a movie or something?

Or that.

-So you Christmas shop?

-What, you don't buy presents?

-No, I do. I just -- I don't know, I thought maybe you didn't.

-Oh, because I'm a good Muslim.

-No. You're just so Irish.

-I amIrish. -Me too.

[Both chuckle]

You're just -- I don't know, you're not what I was expecting.

You're nice.

-This isn't really -- Look, Sam, you seem okay.

You're not really what I'm looking for, though.

-Why? -You come off a bit broke?

And you're much older than I was expecting.

You lack...ambition. -Dress sense?

And you've been staring over at that woman in the cab all evening.

Like, maybe that's your thing, and I ain't that.

So, yeah. And you have -- -A little one.

-I don't have a little one.

It's more likely youhave a little one,

with your little elf hands.

-Bad manners. You have bad manners, Sam.

Let's just lie and tell our parents we had a lovely night.

-Omar. -Miriam.

-Omar! Come on.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Get up, pay, and leave now.

-Mnh-mnh.

Ohh!

-How could you embarrass me like this?

Get up, get up, get up! -Ow!

-Shut your face!

Don't want hear one word tomorrow. -Okay!

♪♪

-You're so sexy. -Whoa, cowboy.

-You're so sexy.

-You are, too. It's just...

-What? Don't you like me? -[Chuckles]

You -- You know I do.

-How much longer do I have to wait? It's been weeks. Like...

-I just don't want the first time to be --

It's just not the right time. You know what I mean?

-Your period? I don't care.

-Okay, yeah, well, I care. Why don't we just, like...

Whoa! What are you doing? -What? Relax!

-I think you'rethe one who needs to relax.

-Will you kiss it? -No!

-Come on, don't be scared! Get greedy!

-I said no!

-We're just playing around. What are you freaking out for?

-Don't come near me. And -- And put your trousers back on.

-Okay, okay, okay. Okay, relax.

-I said no, a-and you're pointing that thing at me

and telling me to get greedy? You sick fuck.

-It's called dirty talk. -You want to lay off the porn?

-I thought you weren't Muslim. -[Scoffs]

-Oh, okay. It's not going to suck itself, is it?

What were you teasing me for, then?

At least give me a little tug or something.

♪♪

-[Laughs]

Come here and just -- -Youcome here.

-I can't get it open. -Wait, wait. Let me, let me.

Oop, hold on. Is it stuck?

♪♪

[Gear clicks]

♪♪

-She didn't look that nice, anyway.

-Like you have the right to comment on how people look.

Look at you.

Look. Look at you.

Just when I think you can't possibly be more offensive.

-Well, just as well I did, pal, because the girls would fucking hate her.

She'd make a horrible stepmom. -We were having dinner, Cormac.

-Oh, really? Is that not why she had a chaperon?

In case you two couldn't keep your hands off each other

and have some crazy forbidden sex in the toilets?

-Are you high?

You have no right to -- -Have I not? Have I not?

Everyone just flaps around mom.

"Oh, poor... She's lost her daughter.

You be strong for your mom now, Cormac."

No on gives a fucking shit about me.

I'm her brother, Sam. You know, when I get pissed,

I still pick up the phone to text her.

It's like a fucking punch in the heart.

She was my favorite person, my sister, Sam.

-I know. -Do you?

She told me everything. I was the person she called

when she found out she was pregnant with Lina.

Not you. Me.

Because I was her brother, and she loved me.

-I know she did. -And now you want to take the girls away from me,

the only part of her I have left, to start off

some new Muslim family because I'm just Cormac?

I'm just what, y-y-y-y-your ex-wife's brother?

-Cormac, she's not my ex-wife.

She's my dead wife.

And you're not just her brother. You're my friend.

I think you're my only friend.

[Sniffles] Come on.

Ugh!

[Sighs deeply]

-Do you remember last Christmas?

-Yeah. You threw up in my freezer.

-Yeah, that was good crack.

-Uh...

-Am I really your best friend, Sammy?

-Yeah.

Fuck. I need to get out more.

♪♪

-[Sighs] Jesus. Her belly looks so swollen.

[Door closes]

Shit, Sam! Who are you calling?

-T-T-The shop. Sam, we have a problem!

-What shop? -T-T-The fucking Reptile Planet thing, the shop.

-Oh, hey, Sam. How was your date?

Oh, it's still going. -No, it's Cormac.

Don't ask. Cormac! -It fell while I was running.

-Well, what's going on?

-Uh...

-Yes, I-I'll continue holding. Please hurry.

-Did you use the lizard for sex stuff?

-What?! -That's gerbils, Sam.

-Come on. Yes. Hello. Hi. Hi.

Yeah, so -- so I-I put -- I put a blanket over her cage.

Her terrarium, yes. Yes.

A-And kind of c-created a little sauna effect on it.

Yeah. And her belly's all swollen up.

So wh-what do I do?

Okay, great. Great.

So we take it to the bathroom right now.

-Open it, Sam. -I'm trying to open it. -Any minute.

Open...

Okay. We have the reptile.

Let's go. -What am I doing?

-Take her to the toilet.

-W-What do I do? -S-Splash water on her.

-The toilet water? -Splash water on her belly, Sam.

-That's gross. -I'm not putting my hands in there.

-Just flush and then splash.

[Toilet flushes]

-Splash the water, Sam.

-I'm waiting for it to stop flushing!

-What's supposed to happen? -Is the p-puffiness going down?

-I don't know. -N-Nothing's happening.

All right. Press your index finger

onto her diaphragm, above her legs.

-Give me a fucking break.

-Really? You need to do CPR.

-You want to? -You've taken a piss.

-No. You need to blow into her mouth like -- like now.

-Yeah? Why don't you blow into her fucking mouth

since you're the one that suffocated her?

-I have a cold sore. -Have you?

-Do you want Nancy to find out that Lottie is dead at Christmas

after the year she's fucking had?

No. Okay.

You need to give her small, little breaths into her mouth.

Like five of them. -[Blowing]

-That's it. Keep going. Keep going. -Come on, Lottie.

-That's it.

Come on. -No.

-Come on. Just...

-No, look at her little hand. -What hand?

-Her fucking hand!

-Yeah, look, her finger's moving.

-Oh, yeah. Keep going, Sam! Keep going.

-[Blows] -Come on, Lottie.

-Come on, Lottie! Come on.

-Come on, Lottie. -Come on!

[All cheer] -Whoo!

-Careful, Zein.

-Okay. I need to go to toilet.

♪♪

-[Sighs]

Hey. -What are you hiding?

-[Chuckles]

It's very morbid.

-Oh, we love that in this family.

Dead, dead, dead.

Look at this. -Yeah.

-Careful. -Oh, careful. Watch the bulbs! Watch the bulbs!

-Watch the bulbs! [Chuckles]

-Merry Christmas! -Merry Christmas! -Merry Christmas!

-[Chuckles]

[Laughter]

You got any more? -Loads.

-[Echoing] ♪ This is where we are

♪ On every street, in every house ♪

♪ In every shop in this country ♪

♪ This is where we are

♪ This is where we are ♪

♪ On every street, in every house ♪

♪ In every shop in this country ♪

♪ This is where we are

♪ This is where we are ♪

♪ On every street, in every house ♪

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