Original subtitles

-Are you Uncle Zein's girlfriend?

-Why you don't see me about this?

-That's 7,500?

-I wrote about freedom from the manipulative traits

of parental dishonesty.

-You need to help your brother.

I have £10,000.

But you tell him money, not from me, from you.

-This is £3,000.

♪♪

♪♪

-Bellissima. Here you go.

Princess.

♪♪

-Who cuts a sandwich like that?

-Personally, I don't cut sandwiches.

It's a fad. -Is it? What about the cereal?

You poured all the milk in first, and then, the cereal.

-Who's taking me to training later?

-That means all the cereal on top's dry.

-Hmm. I get it.

Stressed about your thing, are ya?

-No, why?

Because you navigate the kitchen like a serial killer.

I'm stressed.

I've had pitch meetings before, Zein.

-How many ideas have you got?

-"How many ideas"? Sent them my idea.

-You sent them one idea.

You're supposed to be armed with a few man.

All right, how about this?

Two Muslim brothers who love basketball,

and -- and they're on their own from, I don't know...

ISIS.

Anyway, they end up in Ibiza,

and they become huge drug dealers.

And -- And one of them becomes an addict,

and they're being chased by the Interpol on speedboats.

Oh, man. It could be like a Muslim "Blow."

You know, the one with Johnny Depp meets "Miami Vice."

[Imitates gunfire]

-Wow. -I know.

Sam. You know what you call it?

-Oh, it's got a name, has it? -Oh, yeah.

"Islam...

Dunk."

You know, because they're Muslim,

and they -- they love basketball.

-No, no, I get it.

I'm trying to show them that I can do funny, Zein.

-You can do funny. Look at ya.

-I think you're funny, some,

like the punchline of a joke.

-Whoo-hoo-hoo! -Come on, Layla.

-You don't feel hot.

Look, if you don't feel well, I'll come in and get you. Yeah?

It's just I've got a lot on today, pal. Okay.

Come on.

Zein, she needs...

-Yeah. I know. Nancy. Meds.

Nancy. School. I got it.

Go on.

-[Smooches] Bye, buttons.

-Remember. It means, "Never give up."

-Oh! -Oh!

♪♪

♪♪

-What's up, bitches?

He was here for ages, felt like he was waiting for ya.

-Shut up. Really?

That's her fault. -What did I do?

-You were stopping every 2 minutes.

-I'm sick, Lina.

-He was talking about your poem again. So boring.

-How did Jake look? -He looked yum.

He looked tired, though, probably didn't get much sleep

from being around his hot dad all night.

[Laughs]

But he was going mad about Monica posting your poem

without your consent, which is sweet, innit?

[Laughter]

-What poem? -Oh, my God, I need to tell you

what Monica was wearing, because it was so bad.

♪♪

[Elevator dings] -3:30?

I'm not gonna see this kid till 3:30 now.

What amenities?

No, I mean, after I use the infinity pool

and have dinner in the ballroom.

Yeah. Sure you do.

Okay. Bye, Nuala. Bye.

♪♪

♪♪

[Both chuckle]

Thanks for the dance.

-[Laughs]

Do you fancy a coffee?

-Yes, yes, I am. I mean, yes, yes, I do.

-[Laughs] -Yes, yes, I do.

Hiya. I'm Sam -Hey.

♪♪

[Laughter] -Oh, God.

-Layla.

I think you've got something on your...

I think it's your period.

My mom says it's the red badge of courage

and should be celebrated.

-Mark, if you don't -- -Congratulations.

You're a woman now. You can have babies.

-Mark, if you don't shut your face, I will end you.

-So, now we know why you've been angry all day.

It's not your fault.

♪♪

♪♪

-This never happens to me when I'm on my own.

Just saying.

-Relax, mate.

Look, I've been up for 36 hours anyway.

You'd probably had better fun, shag and smoke.

-I wanted to, I really did.

-Please...

Please don't go on about your dead wife

and your ankle biters again, mate.

-Sorry.

-You know, I was with a bloke once.

Kept knocking on about how white sheets reminded him

of nursing his nan through Alzheimer's.

Fuck. I can pick 'em.

-No, I-I just -- I just felt

like I-I'd be cheating on her or something.

-Sam, you're doing it again, mate. Leave it.

-Oh, fuck. Yeah. Sorry.

What's that? -Xanax. Take it.

-Oh, no. I got that big meeting today.

-You'll be fine, mate. It'll help you relax. Trust me.

Fucking eat it, you'll love it.

You know what's funny?

Earlier, I had a feeling about you.

I was going to slip a blue bomber in your coffee.

You know, like a Viagra.

Thought it was a bit rapey, though.

-That is rapey.

I was in Rome with Tracy once, and I took one,

and we had to cancel this whole open top tour bus --

-You're fucking doing it again, mate.

-Oh. -Fucking doing it again.

-Sorry.

-Hey, Gem. -[Chuckles]

Gem?

-Yeah. Like a -- Like a precious stone.

-Was that your line?

-So, if a guy falls in love with a Muslim girl

and wants to marry her, does he have to change his name,

become Muslim and all? -Well...

If he wants to marry her, then, yeah, I suppose.

But I'm not Muslim, Jake.

My family are. I'm culturally Muslim.

-Fancy yourself much?

Who said I was talking about you?

And my name's not Jake anymore.

It's Abdullah. -Oh. [Chuckles]

[Speaking Arabic]

-Allan, allan to you too.

Could I maybe get your number,

in case you know any nice Muslim, non-Muslim,

culturally Muslim girls?

Not you, of course. -[Chuckles]

[Indistinct conversations]

-Bye, Abdullah. -Bye, Gem.

-[Giggling] Oh, my God, he's so into you.

-Bye.

Did you see her face?

Wow, that was so funny.

He's Abdullah.

♪♪

♪♪

-Huh?

[Mumbles]

-Oh, I have to be at...

Terminal 2, like, 15 minutes ago.

-Well, hang on a second. -No, no, no, no, no.

Munch out. You stay.

Raid the minibar.

At least one of us will get a mouthful of nuts, eh?

Too soon? -Yeah.

You're very sweet, Sam.

Easily one of the worst sexual experiences of my life.

But you are very sweet.

-You don't want to see some more pictures of my kids?

-Bye. -Bye.

♪♪

♪♪

Keys! Keys!

Keys! Keys!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Chuckles]

[Door opens, closes]

♪♪

[Footsteps]

[Door opens]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Uncle Zein. Uncle Zein! -[Coughing]

-I-I think she's dying.

I saw her pants, and she's bleeding, Uncle Zein.

-Hey, hey, hey, hey. It's okay, it's okay.

Breathe, breathe. Breathe, breathe. What happened?

-I was hiding under Layla's bed.

-Oh, hid there before.

Not under Layla's bed?

No, uh, under beds.

Uh, anyway. No. Go on.

-I don't want anyone else to die.

-Hey. No one's going to die, all right?

She's -- She's fine.

She's about 12, right?

Yeah, that's completely normal.

It'll happen to you at her age.

-Did it happen to you? -Oh, God, no, [speaking Arabic].

Uh, [clears throat]...

It's -- It's a woman's thing.

Yeah.

Your dad will see it right to it. I tell you what.

Why don't you go and watch "Rick and Morty," and after that,

I'll go buy you that birthday present I promised ya.

[Both chuckle]

-I love you, Uncle Zein.

-Love you too. -And you're buying me a snake.

Please don't tell Daddy about "Rick and Morty."

I'll get in trouble.

-I won't tell.

-Did you say snake, by the way?

♪♪

[Line ringing]

Zein, please answer the phone.

Answer the phone, [Strained] you stupid fuck!

I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. Okay?

Just please -- Please answer it for me.

I need you to call me back, Zein.

Okay. Just call me back.

You are not a loser.

You're just very unlucky.

Mark Zuckerberg went to meetings in his pajamas.

You got this.

It means "Never give up."

♪♪

♪♪

Zoe. Sam, don't get up.

It's great to meet you.

May I? -Uh, yeah, please, uh...

Uh...

Nuala speaks very highly of you.

-I know. I know what you're thinking.

Why has this man come to a meeting in a bathrobe?

Right? But -- But a very, very funny story.

I actually fell asleep in -- in the -- in the spa.

Well, Himalayan salt room, to be precise.

-I didn't think this hotel had a spa.

Mm.

-Oh, yeah. Yeah, it does.

I would have got changed, only it's -- it's miles away.

And I know you're on a very, very tight schedule.

-But you managed your shoes

and a -- a sock.

[Telephone ringing in distance]

-Yeah, I did do that.

Nuala says that you're putting together a team of writers

for -- for a -- a comedy show. -Yeah.

Uh, it's gonna be on one of the major streaming networks.

Can't say who just yet. -Course. Course.

-Um, but I have had a chance to read some of your stuff.

It's very good. -Thank you.

-Very funny,

unusual sense of humor,

but, uh, makes sense now that I've met you.

-Yeah.

-Yeah. Anything else tucked away?

-Mm...

I have a show about a TV camera crew.

They always work together. You got the director.

The cameraman? -Oh, yes.

Yes, um, the one where you get a different

famous person in every week.

Uh, the, uh, the mockumentary?

Yes. Um, the crew. -Crew.

That's the one. That's the one. -Yeah. Yeah. Very good.

Yes. Uh, uh, anything else? [Cellphone chimes]

-Um.

Sorry. Um.

Sure, sure, sure, sure, I sure do.

I have, um, it's called

"Islam Dunk,"

about two Muslim brothers who love basketball

and become drug dealers

in Ibiza.

-Yeah. -Very funny.

It's very, very good.

-This is a bad idea.

A lizard. Sam's gonna go bananas.

Did you see how he reacted when I bought almond milk?

-He won't.

-You know, having a pet is a huge responsibility.

Have you had one before? -Loads.

-Oh, really? Where are they?

-Dead. -Well, that's great.

-It wasn't my fault, Granny saw Aunt Hilda, my hamster,

and then, Mommy killed Mr. Brightside, my budgie.

-Jesus.

-He kept singing all night,

so, she put him in the room on top of the freezer, and...

-She froze the budgie. -Yep.

Hi. I'm going to call you Lottie.

I'm your new mommy.

-See you later, Mr. Lizard.

Let's go. -Yay.

See you later, Lottie.

-Happens all the time.

I end up with who I played inside with.

And his clothes, phone, wallet

all stoked in a hotel in Las Ramblas.

-Where? -Barcelona, Sheila, Barcelona.

-She's a bit deaf.

-Sweet baby Jesus on me.

-Yeah. No. Shocking.

-No, she was a hooker, in fairness, so...

-And while you were in the shower.

-Mm-hm. Yeah.

-Where'd you get a hotel room? -Huh?

-Why'd you get a hotel room anyway?

-Because the meeting moved.

And I had so much time to kill.

I thought I'd stay, prep, you know.

-Did they get all your garments? -[Sucks teeth]

[Mumbling] One pair, Sheila.

I can't believe Zein asked you two to come get me.

-Oh, stop, it's no bother.

Cormac was dropping us to bridge anyhow,

so we can have a few brandies.

-Yeah. -Some of us started early.

Give Dolores a poke there. Make sure she's not dead.

-[Groans] No, no.

-[Whispering] Don't even think about it.

You heard that all right, Sheila.

[Knocking] Open up, it's me!

Open up, Zein!

Open up, it's me!

Zayn! Zayn! -He's not here.

-W-What are you?

-Please.

It's just...

It's just not okay.

[Exhales sharply]

What? -Oh, forget it.

I'm the least important person in this family.

No one cares. No one ever listens to me.

If I need help, no one's there.

Doesn't matter. It's only me.

-What?

-Do you know I got my period today?

-No. Did you?

-Yes.

-Oh, sweetheart.

-If you say, "Congratulations. You're a woman."

I will jump out of that window.

-Okay. Okay.

Where's Lina?

Look, I have to go out anyway.

I'll pick you up a few bits, will I?

Anything you want.

More Doritos?

-If you want.

-Okay.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Oh, wow. Somebody looks a bit lost.

-Sally, thank God.

It's for Layla. -Yeah, I gathered.

-These are new...

Expands all the way around.

Around what? -Look, keep it simple.

Get her a few different things, and then she can choose herself.

-Just, [exhales sharply]. You know what I mean?

-Yeah. Look, stop being so hard on yourself.

You're doing great.

We're, um...How's Zein?

-He's grand.

-Well, I haven't heard from him in a bit.

You tell him to text me some time, [chuckles].

No, don't. That was so pathetic. -[Chuckles] It's not.

Have you met me?

Look, it's probably my fault anyway.

I've been leaning on him a lot lately.

-Yeah, well, look, I, uh, I better leg it.

I have to go to the, um...

to the butchers, so. -Mm.

-Yeah. Look, tell the girls I was asking for them.

-I will. -Yeah. I'll see you.

-See you, Sal. Bye.

-[Exhaling sharply]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Whispering]

Didn't know what to get, so I got everything.

-It's fine.

-I'm sorry, sweetheart. -For what?

-For you having to go through all this with me.

I'm, like... -Useless.

-There for 15 years.

Like, his contributions and his talent,

I think, cannot be understated even beyond, like, reality TV.

When you... -Do you love Lottie too, Baba?

-So much. [TV chatter]

She's so cute.

[Whispering] That fucking yoke moves into your room.

And put back my typewriter.

Lizard. Seriously?

-She wanted the python.

-The judges, uh...

posted on social media saying how devastated they are.

-Yes. Craig Revel Horwood...

-I saw Sally earlier.

-[Yawning] Oh, yeah?

[Sighs]

How's she looking?

-She was asking for you.

Give her a call.

-Yeah. I might do.

So, you had your meeting.

How'd it go? Did, uh, you tell them about my idea?

-Don't be ridiculous. I wasn't going to make a fool of myself.

Comfy?

You gonna move that thing?

[TV chatter continues]

-Australia's biggest comedy...

-All right, Lottie.

[Whispering] Let's go.

-Have you done that assignment?

You know, we have that exam next week.

[Knocking] I'm so bad.

I haven't thought of anything for it.

-I have to go. -Oh, bye.

-Hey.

What? -[Sniffles]

-Oh. Come here.

Oh, Laylay. You okay?

-I couldn't get you. -I'm sorry.

You bought all these?

-Baba did.

-[Scoffs] Of course.

Like, he has a clue.

Oh, he really is a fucking eejit.

-He was actually so sweet,

and I was so horrible to him.

[Crying] Lina, I...

I called him useless.

-Well, he is fucking useless. -Stop!

You didn't see his face.

-Okay, okay. Okay, okay.

Look, he's used to it.

He won't give a shit.

Dry your eyes.

Here. Start with these.

See how you get on.

-I know it's stupid, but all day, I really...

I just really miss her, today. -I know, I know, I know, I know.

Me too. [Exhales sharply]

Sometimes, I feel like I'm going to just see her.

Like, I'll walk into her bedroom,

and she'll just be sat at her dresser.

Bitching about me taking her eyeliner.

-So, I see her when Nancy really concentrates.

-[Chuckles] Yeah.

And she sticks her tongue out.

-Or when you laugh, which I suppose is rare.

-Piss off. [Both chuckle]

-I know that it's stupid,

but I really believe that she's waiting for me,

that I'll be able to see her again.

-You want to meet, Lottie? -Oh, my God, what is that?

-It's Lottie. Uncle Zein gave it to me.

-What? -Oh, my God, poor Lottie.

-Oh, my God. [Chuckles]

[Typewriter clacking]

[Indistinct conversations, laughter]

-Get off me!

[Kids shouting playfully]

["This Is Where We are" by Kormac, Shahab, and Shayan Coohe plays]

[Echoing] ♪ This is where we are

♪ On every street in every house ♪

♪ In every shop in this country ♪

[Echoing] ♪ This is where we are

♪ This is where we are

♪ On every street in every house ♪

♪ In every shop in this country ♪

[Echoing] ♪ This is where we are

♪ This is where we are

♪ On every street in every house... ♪

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0