Original subtitles

I can't help it!

What's a healthy young lad got to think about, anyway?

It's all I can do is think.

Cor!

Knickers! I'm knicker obsessed.

It's one of my troubles. I'll have to learn to control it.

I must take up... Ooh!

Uh, sewing, or knitting, or crochet work.

I wonder how you get into a monastery.

Three "A" levels, probably. Same as anywhere else.

You see, Doctor, I've got this constant problem.

Cor!

Well, it's just a bit of carnal fancying, really.

But, if the bus was to go on forever, full of birds,

with me the only bloke,

which order would I have 'em in?

One.

Two.

You'll be three.

Four.

Five. Six.

- Mind out! Oh! - Oh!

Ooh, you bloody nit! You've nearly broken me arm!

What about me, then? Look at my groceries.

Don't tell me about your bloody groceries.

You should look where you're bloody going first.

Bloody stupid groceries and things.

- Are you all right? - Well, yeah.

Oh, good.

I'll pick them up.

Hey, you're Linda Spate, aren't you?

That's right. I was in Miss Hoskins' class when you were in Mr Allwright's.

That's right.

- Don't times change. - What?

Oh, look!

- This one's a bit dirty. - Aren't we all.

Still, there's no flies on a banana.

- But you know where they've been. - You what?

Don't you know the advert Unzip a Banana?

It's just a phallic symbol.

Ooh! What's a fallis kimble?

Phallic symbol.

It's something that stands for something else.

No, that's a fallacy.

Get it?

It was a joke.

It was a joke.

I'm sorry I bumped into you.

Oh! Well, no hard feelings, then.

That's what you think.

Well, I'm still in one piece. I'll see you, all right.

Fancy fancying runny old Linda.

Dim little girl from secondary modern

and brilliant 17-year-old from grammar school,

I'll be had up. It against the law.

Here's your Rice Krispies, Mona.

I said puffed wheat.

And it's Miss Cartwright to you.

You going to have that nose job done, then?

I've decided to go to Majorca instead.

Where's my tea?

Phwoah!

Mona is a dead loss.

I'll stick to Mary Poppins.

It's Mary. Mary Gloucester.

Okay, this is it.

What if she doesn't know me?

Or pretends not to know me?

What can I say?

"Care to partake of a coffee?"

Terrible.

What would Spike say?

"Let's go, girl. I haven't got all day."

I can't talk like that.

Must be the first time I've seen her without ten million blokes around her.

Okay. This is it.

Can I offer you a lift?

I was told not to accept strange lifts from strange men in strange cars.

Whoever told you that?

You got it wrong. They shouldn't have said that.

Ooh! Sorry!

- Um, say, um... - What are you doing with a bike, anyway?

Oh, just taking it for a ride. Needs the exercise.

- The tyres are getting fat. - That's no way to talk about a friend.

Say, how about a coffee, then? Um, perk you up a bit.

Perk me up a bit. Perk us both up together.

Oh, I'm... Oh, do you know Claire? She's my best friend.

- Hello. - Hello.

They always have some lousy friend and they must introduce them.

Jamie has invited us for a coffee.

I thought we were going for aubergines?

Aubergines? She seems a nice class of person.

How did you know my name, then?

How did you know my name?

Terribly sorry, Mary. Tyler was late with the car.

Tony, where have you been? I've been dying for a coffee.

Well, it ran out of petrol. Hi, Claire. Hello, Jamie.

I've got to go.

- Bye, Jamie. - Bye-bye.

My big chance to speak to her for the first time and I wasted it.

I'm an idiot and I don't know what to say.

Spike would know.

He's chatting them into bed, and I can't even chat "hello".

They should have correspondence courses.

"Teach yourself to chat."

"Dear Unknown Teacher,

"what I really want, to get myself started,

"is to be seduced by an older woman.

"Like in Somerset Maugham.

"Young, sensitive, attractive boy

"is introduced to sex by beautiful, mature woman of 28."

I wonder where they keep these beautiful, ripe, experienced women

who are letching after young lads?

Probably locked up with guard dogs.

And Somerset never worried about protectives.

Just straight to it.

I don't know. Must have been different in those days.

All the men must have been impotent, or eunuchs, or something.

Oh ta, Jamie. Here, I got a penny for you.

- Oh, thanks. - Thanks very much. Ciao.

After all it is so easy to take precautions these days.

Perhaps I'm slow.

Maybe it's up to me to make the advances.

Daddy!

Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!

- Oh, come in, Jamie. - Hello, Mrs Kelly.

- Shall I put it in your kitchen? - Yeah.

I'll be ready for you in a minute.

"Ready for me?"

After the Somerset Maughams, she's gone for the key of her negligee.

Hey. Maybe she's waiting for me.

- Huh? - Yes, well, sorry, Mr Kelly.

Half a dollar, Jamie. For your time and trouble.

No trouble at all, Mrs Kelly. Absolutely none.

- Are you going drinking tonight, Spike? - Nah, not me, mate.

Not on a Saturday night.

I've got to satisfy my other appetites, eh?

I presume you're doing the same?

Yeah, sure.

What do you mean "Yeah, sure"?

- Hey, who is it? - Uh...

- A little bird I ran into this morning. - Who?

- Come on. What's her name? - Linda.

Yeah. That's right. Linda.

What?

Runny old Linda?

Still at your lousy job, then?

Yeah, I need the lousy money.

Give us a lift there on your crossbar.

Do you mind? Really spoil me chances forever?

All right. The basket will do.

- You'll break it. - Rubbish. There you are.

Well, runny old Linda.

What, with the big biddies?

Yeah. That's the one.

You make sure you don't let the ol' team down, mate.

You've got a mind like a sewer.

Don't give us that. It's all you're after.

It's all anyone's after.

It's the "fors" versus the "againsts", mate.

And we "fors" are winning.

You make it sound like a battle.

Well, it's not sunny stories, you know. That's what you think it is, don't you?

You're waiting for it to be all special.

All hearts and lace and flowers.

By appointment to Her Majesty.

What are you saving yourself up for? You 13 carat gold or something?

No, mate. You want to get in there when you can.

- Oh, yeah? - It's not that important any more.

Hey, you want old Spike to come and hold your hand, eh?

Not unless it's small and dainty, which it ain't. Oi!

Hey, look out!

- Oh, that was stupid! - I've got it.

Oh, mum! You've ironed creases into this collar

instead of taking them out.

Joe, put that down. I can't hear myself iron.

Drop dead.

Turns a pretty phrase, does our Joe.

Mum, you haven't been wearing this shirt, have you?

There's porridge all over it.

Mum?

God! It's like talking to a brick wall.

The sooner she gets her Ph.D., the better.

Oh, Jamie, iron the Daily Express. Here's a good lad.

Anything else?

Yes, you better do the Daily Mirror, as well.

You know how Dad likes it neat and tidy.

Okay. Hurry up and make my tea.

And if it's the ham salad again,

I'm off to the tea room, 'cause I'm starving.

Want, want, want!

What did your last maid die of?

Not that joke, Mum.

I could do with a maid in this house.

- Mum, where's my tea? - I've made you a lovely salad.

I don't know why I make all these meals.

All you do is eat them.

All right. It's 5:00.

Nobody speak. Everybody to their places.

- I'm going. - Jamie?

- I'm off, too. - Off?

Oh, Dad, I've done it for the last 15 years.

Joe can do it on his own.

You sit down. Both of you.

In tonight's programme...

Wireless has had it, Dad. It's worn out.

I'll wear you out. Once you get those results, then I'll keep quiet.

All you have to do.

Championship cricket from Gillingham and Leicester

and in between whiles, all the other outstanding news of the day.

Here are today's classified results.

League division one.

Arsenal, 2. Fulham, 0.

Chelsea, 3. West Ham, 2.

You fool, woman.

Oh, Dad, I just remembered. I've got to go. I got a date.

Shh! Not you as well as your mother.

Let him go. Poor lad's got a date.

Look, all I want is silence.

All Jamie wants is a bit of crumpet.

Be quiet, and don't hit your brother.

Oh, look! All over Mr Bumble.

Blast Mr Bumble.

I only ask it once a week. I just want you all to keep quiet.

Wolves, 3.

Southampton, 5.

- Oh, that was lovely. - Burnley, 0.

♪ All things bright and beautiful

♪ All creatures great and... ♪

Oh, Dad, I am sorry.

- I forgot. - Birmingham, 4.

Rotherham, 3.

You forgot?

That's it! No more!

Oh, look, Dad. Don't upset yourself.

No, it doesn't matter. It's too late. It's too late!

I don't ask much, but you've all done it now. You've...

You've spoiled yourselves.

My family.

Oh, you're all in here, Jamie.

Dad, if it's going to be about the birds and the bees,

wait till I've finished shaving, eh?

Dad, the door. I'm freezing.

And watch me transistor.

I want to talk to you, Joe.

I want to hear what's top.

The music is far too loud, anyway. Your mother is reading.

Don't switch it off, Dad.

It ought to cover your embarrassment

while you tell Jamie about not getting girls into trouble.

Exactly. But you are not to speak to a girl.

Your mother says that you weren't in till 2:30 last night.

- Where were you? - Out.

And she says that your clothes were all muddy, as if you've been

rolling about in a ploughed field.

That's right. I'm doing a bit of a nature study.

Well, watch it, that's all. You hear what I say?

- Watch it. - Yes, Dad.

Well, watch it.

What were you doing then, in a ploughed field?

Don't you start. You're worse than him.

So, what were you doing?

I'm only 16. You tell me.

- What's that smell? - My feet. What do you think?

Me own brother. Casanova at 16 and me, still a celibate monk.

The whole country's having it off, and it's like I'm a leper.

Where's me bell? Unclean.

Perhaps I've got BO.

I wonder what Mary's doing.

That stuck-up looking jerk.

"Father's car."

Still, I did actually talk to her.

Well, here we are at runny old Linda's.

What am I doing here?

As if I didn't know?

Not a nice class of person around here.

Oh, my God! There she is!

Well, I wish I'd thought of some other name with Spike.

What if some of my mates see me with her?

What if Spike sees me without her?

I think I'll go to the pub for a drink.

Well, here she is. This is it.

Hey, you, Jamie McGregor. Where's your bike?

- Well, I don't wear it all the time. - Oh.

Well, we've got to get me daddy's chips.

Just what I hoped we'd do.

- Yes, please. - Cod and chips, please.

Make that twice, love, please.

- Evening, darling. - Four sixes and three fish.

Right-o.

Or was it three sixes and four fish?

What are you doing without your computer, darling?

No. It was four sixes and three fish.

And don't be so cheeky. I got Jamie here to see me home.

Well, good old Jamie.

I never tire of fish, eh. Do you?

No. I never tire of fish.

I tire of meat. Oh, I do tire of meat.

Oh, yeah. I tire of meat.

I tire of meat and I tire of chicken,

but I never tire of fish.

No. I never tire of fish.

- No. - No.

Six and six please, darling.

Here, Jamie, hold these.

And don't be picking at them with your fingers, either.

Oh, look. I lost one of me bobbles.

If we went for a walk, we might find it.

Well, I have to take me daddy's chips first.

Oh, sphere of mystery,

what magic will you weave for us tonight?

Here, does your mum wear contact lenses?

- Your what? - Your mum.

Does she wear them contact lenses?

Oh. Only over her glass eye.

- Really? - Yeah.

Sit down, eh.

You're hands are warm. I thought you said you weren't warm.

Warm hands, cold heart.

Do you believe that then, Jamie?

No. You got it wrong. Warm hands, warm heart.

Cold hands, cold crotch.

Never heard that one before.

What does crotch mean?

Well, it's sort of...

What shall we say? It's the difference between the top of your legs

and the bottom of your bottom.

- It's right here. - Here! Do you mind?

I was only just showing you!

- Well, don't! - Sorry.

Isn't it a beautiful night?

Just look at them stars.

I wonder if the people up there are wondering if the people down here

are wondering about the people up there?

But imagine putting them in your eyes?

- What? - Contact lenses.

Makes me sick just thinking.

One of them fell in her soup yesterday. She swallowed it.

Got it back, though, later in the day.

Oh!

Oh! What am I wasting me time for?

Two hours, I'm freezing raw and stiff as hell,

she just stands there like an Egyptian mummy.

Oh, that tickles.

My hands have always been warm.

I sweat a lot.

You should feel me feet.

- Right. Off we go. - Here, Jamie!

- What do you think you're doing? - I fancy myself real well.

- I've had enough! - Why are you leaving me alone?

- Bloody charming! - Half-witted!

- I'm just glad nobody's seeing this. - You're stupid, that's what you are.

Oh, Jamie! You mustn't!

Ooh, Jamie! Ooh!

- Ooh, Jamie! - It's Mary! All alone!

I could be with her, and here I am stuck with this runny thing.

Ooh, Jamie!

Spike!

She really must have no taste.

A smashing bloke like me just waiting to be asked,

and she lets herself be picked up by that phony lecherous jerk.

Jamie! Ooh!

Now, what are you lying there for, you stupid bitch?

You've thrown me in the cow crap, that's what you've done.

Here's your rotten bobble.

Where do you think you're going?

You take me in the bloody park,

and then you throw me in the thing, don't you, on the floor,

and you just throw me in things...

It seems so unfair.

The ones you fancy, don't fancy you.

And the ones who fancy you, you don't fancy.

Period.

I suppose you carry on till you half fancy someone

and they half fancy you,

and then when you're really old, about 25, you get married.

And that's marriage.

When unlike poles don't repel each other too much.

All nice and respectable.

Pictures, Monday. TV, Tuesday.

She washes her hair Wednesday.

You wash yours Thursday.

Friday, dancing.

Like a bloody treadmill.

- Hey! - Hey!

- Hey! Hey! - Come on!

What were you doing with Mary?

How long have you been going out with her? I didn't even know you knew her.

Simmer down.

Look, why should I tell you anything about a bird you don't date?

And not likely too, the way you're handling it.

Every bird is fair game, mate.

- For you and for me. - Oh, yeah!

Hey! Fancy this one, do you?

It's a lovely bit of tail, that.

Oh!

Hey! Where's she gone?

She's here. Shut up, man!

Oh!

Hello, sexy!

Do buy one. It doesn't matter what you give.

Isn't your wife expecting you home for tea?

Trunk it.

Oops!

Who's going to bath the babies, then?

I didn't prick you, didn't I?

No. Lovely. Do it again.

I say, you wouldn't like to come to our church rave on Friday, would you?

- Church rave? - Mmm. Do come.

We never get enough decent men.

In that case, I'm on.

Oh. Oh, good. Well, I'll see you Friday. Saint Michael's.

♪ It's so hard to see her face

♪ In an overcrowded place

♪ And the wet weather on the wind

♪ They don't get into my mind

♪ Children are playing ♪

Seems a nice class of person around here.

Oh, there is. We have some lovely times.

In the summer, I don't come as much.

Mummy and Daddy and I go miles away along the coast for picnics.

And there's swimming and sand and sea and sun, all on our own.

And then it's Christmas. All the family comes to church then.

Oh, why don't you come more often?

It's so important to have such lovely times.

Perhaps I could have a lovely time too.

In a nice, pure way.

Why not? What's wrong with being nice and pure?

You can't be grotty all your life, Jamie.

Well, thank you for helping with the under fives.

Oh, Michael.

Anything I can do for you, Michael.

Michael, this is Jamie.

- Hello, Jamie. - Hello, Michael.

Do you spend most of your lovely times here, or only in the curates season?

Oh, Jamie! Michael's a priest. Oh, you are silly.

♪ Yes

♪ I was looking back to see If she was looking back to see

♪ If he was looking up at me

Michael does a terrific "Meals on Wheels" for old people.

You must see it.

Michael gives himself to everything.

He's so 20th century, his concept of service.

You could serve too, sort of plunge in and give your all.

Michael will be so grateful.

How about you?

♪ Well, I was looking back to see If she was looking back to see

♪ If he was looking back at me ♪

Do you mind if we sit down for a bit?

No, it hasn't really livened up yet, has it?

No.

- Hi, Paula. - Oh, hi.

Okay. This is Jamie. Jamie this is my friend.

Charmed, I'm sure.

Charmed, I'm sure. He's nice.

Another rotten friend.

She's like Lady Bountiful,

spreading her boyfriends around the deserving poor.

Cath is certainly deserving.

Oh, what a lovely suit!

- Is that the one you've just taken up? - Mmm.

No, it was her dad's. She just had the legs cut off.

Clever guts.

- Where'd you find him? - Cath, it's lovely.

I think yours is lovely too.

Lovely! Smashing!

Grand night for grooving.

You should come more often. We have some lovely times.

Yeah. So rumor has it.

♪ Every little thing

♪ Every little thing about you I adore

♪ You're just the girl I've waited for

♪ I know that love is real and more

♪ I'll see you

♪ Every little thing

♪ Every little thing ♪

Come on. The lights might fuse again.

You might be kinder to her. She's had a hard time.

She does so much work for the church, single-handed.

No wonder, the size of her hands.

- Sorry. - Why don't you help

with our church bazaar on Saturday?

Okay. Just for you.

- Oh, you are good. - Excuse me, Jamie.

Oh, Michael.

Come on, Jamie. I won't eat you.

Oh, Jamie. You're smashing.

Oh, Jamie. Aren't we having a lovely time?

Mmm.

Paula?

Would you like to come and arrange the peonies, Paula?

They need your deft touch.

Oi!

Ah, Jamie! Thank you. Oh! They are heavy!

Cath, would you take this to the china smashing?

- Mmm. - Thank you.

Now, will you help with the lost children?

Oh, Jamie. Will you get the prize for the champion cauliflower?

This is the last bundle, Paula.

Close the door.

Oh, you're all hot and sticky from all that rushing about.

Hmm. Tasty lips.

You've been an absolute treasure and I want you to know how grateful I am.

It's the entertainment next.

So, that's what it's called.

- And I want you to be a really big help. - Come on, let's get out of here.

I thought you might walk me home later

and we could have some time to ourselves.

- Well, let's go now. - You've got to stay, just a bit.

Later we really will be alone. Just the two of us.

Have you told him yet?

It is good of you, Jamie.

- Quick, quick, you're almost on. - No, but... Stand still.

Hey, what's going on? Oi! Oi! What're you doing?

Sit down. Sit down.

Now, just remember to watch.

- Jamie, here's your wand. - My wand?

Now, look, when little Tommy says his line...

Well, you wouldn't mind. Sammy couldn't make it. It's good.

When he says, "Here is Pan, king of the fairies,"

you skip on and make magic passes with your wand.

You've got the wrong bloke.

We are poor lost babes in the woods.

And now we must face the perils of the night.

Sis, don't talk in that spooky way. You give me such a fright.

Goodness!

I'm so tired, my legs ache and my head.

I wish I was safe at home, tucked up in my little bed.

See you, the fairy twinkle toes. Here is Pan, king of the fairies.

Here is Pan, king of the fairies!

I'm not going to! Trunk it! No!

Here is Pan, our noble king.

Encircle him in fairy ring.

Majestic Pan so wise, so sage,

his nimble footsteps grace our stage.

This just isn't my week. My year, my decade.

Maybe it's not even my lifetime.

Because, Jamie McGregor, this is your life.

Too horrible.

Still, that's how it crumbles, Mary-wise.

There she lives.

Here I sit and never the twain shall meet.

Well, if that's your attitude, Keith, I'm not interested.

We didn't ask him to stay out late last night, did we, Keith?

Will you get into trouble with your mum?

Ha! Watch where you're going, nit!

Let's go this way, eh, Keith?

Well, I'm going this way. I don't care about you.

Keith! Cheerio! See you tomorrow then, Keith!

I'm going this way.

Keith!

Wish I was in a gang. I bet Keith would look after me.

It's now or never.

She's given me enough chances, God knows.

I've just always messed it up, by going with useless grotty girls.

She's there for the taking.

Why, it's that crappy old croupier.

Anyone can see what a nauseating creep he is.

Poor Mary, being pestered by him.

Oh!

- How are you? - Oh, all right.

Oh, why don't I make things happen?

This is the way the world shall end. Not with a bang, but with a Wimpy.

Oh, there's your handbag! Over here. Come on, come on.

- Trust Craig Foster. - Hey, Jamie, catch!

- Hi, Craig. - Where you been?

- Haven't seen you around lately. - I've been slimming.

- Yeah? - Great.

- How's your dad's furniture business? - Bloody.

- Leave then. - Who would have me?

Except for Audrey and she'd have anybody.

Anybody, as long as it really was a body.

- She packs a good punch though. - What did you say?

You wouldn't understand. It wasn't dirty.

- Oh, you are awful. - Public school jerk.

Well, come on, you lot, if we're going nowhere, let's go.

Come on, Jamie.

Come on, Jamie.

Okay, then, so open up the big boys' door, and let us in.

You 18-year-old look younger every day.

Good evening, governor.

- Chop-chop. What's yours? - Whisky and tonic.

Mmm-hmm.

You looking for something?

No. Just practicing standing around.

You never know when it might come in handy.

Uh, two rum and coke, one whisky and tonic.

Yes, sir.

- Have mine. Never liked mine anyway. - Oh, I thought it suited you.

I'll sit on your knee. I've always liked a good, clean knee.

- You do keep a clean knee, don't you? - I do me best.

Hey, look who's there over there.

Oh, Caroline. I think she's terribly snooty.

I think she's terrific.

Ooh! What's that? It's terribly knobbly.

Uh, it's just my tobacco tin. Move up a bit. Lovely.

Hey, Audrey, I thought you were with me.

Bye! Keep that knee clean.

Try kicking it.

Let me help you with my lucky right hand.

Super.

- I broke many a piggy bank with it. - Super.

The rain in Spain falls mainly in the plain.

Super.

All gone!

- Just beginning. - Super.

Thank you, Boris.

Lot of salad... and a little juice.

She thinks she's in a charm contest.

And in the white dress, charming for England, is Caroline.

I bet if I said knickers, she'd say super.

Super.

- Very exotic. - What's your handicap?

Well, I'm left handed, I speak too fast, I'm not much good at chat.

I don't think I ought to tell you.

- You do play golf? - Play golf? Me? No.

Then I'll teach you. Saturday morning at the Golf Club, hmm?

Mmm.

All right, then. Stay bright.

Okay.

Now, this is how we drive off.

- Which way are we heading? - That flag over there.

Up...

Down...

Up, down.

Now, you try.

Oh, let's not bother. Just show me again.

Are you on the balls of your feet?

Bend your legs slightly apart, like this.

Jiggle up and down a bit.

Hit at it, don't wave at it.

This is very good practice.

It's the performance I like best. Not the practice.

But every good performance depends on the lot of practice.

True.

- Mmm. - Let's just practice lying here.

You never know when we might need to do it.

- You're learning very fast, you know. - You're such a good teacher.

Do you think if we both rolled over and over together,

when we came to the hole,

we'd disappear down it like Alice in Wonderland?

Do you really think I'm a good teacher?

I think you'd make a good pupil as well.

I have one or two things I might teach you.

Such as?

Wow!

What do you think?

Never mind what I think. They'd have me in prison.

How about these for Trooping of the Colour?

They'd frighten the horses. Ma'am.

Super!

Much better. We must keep up with the times.

The minute I walk out of here, this lot will be old fashioned.

That's the fun of living today. Fast. Zoom-zoom.

Zoom-zoom.

Why don't you come for tea next Sunday?

Super! I better bring my bike to get home.

Don't bother about your bike. Stay the night.

Don't bother about anything. Life's too short.

- Stay the night? Zoom-zoom. - Wild.

Hey, Jamie! I hear you've got two birds. Pass us the leavings, would you?

- What are you going to do with two? - What do you think he's going to do?

It's about time some of the rest of you lads started to grow up.

Always ogling, never doing.

- You well armed for tonight then? - Oh, sure. Got a new consignment.

- Spike! - Yeah?

What do you do?

Well, first of all, have a very hot bath. Never fails.

- What's that do? - Makes you sterile, you nit.

What do you mean? Clean?

Wait, suppose you're out in the field, and there's no hot water?

Well, I use tightly wrapped cotton wool.

By far the easiest method is a wrist watch.

One plain, everyday, ordinary wrist watch.

And, uh, how is that so?

Think, sir, your O-level physics.

Well, gentlemen, the plain, the ordinary, the everyday wristwatch,

is strapped on half an hour before the...

The very radioactivity of its very luminous dial

is your guarantee of lasting positive protection.

If the bomb don't go off first.

They're joking, aren't they?

They'd better be, or they're in for a few surprises.

Don't you know anything, Gerald?

I don't seem to have the chat.

Of course, you have.

You wanna play the field. Don't make it so special though.

You know, I used to be a seven stone weakling.

Get off!

She's hidden my pyjamas, that's what she's done.

Not to be used after November 5th, 1969.

Fireworks Night, eh?

I better put it in my pocket before it burns a hole in the drawer.

Mum, where'd you put me pyjamas?

They're airing in the kitchen.

Your meal's ready.

Are you going through your tenderfoot?

Do you want me to chalk a few arrows on the ground,

so you know which way I've gone?

Just a wee bit edgy we are today.

Now you eat quiet, or you'll tie your stomach up in knots.

It'll upset your regularity.

- Mum, not at the table. - Just a wee bit edgy.

- May I have the blancmange? - Mmm.

No, not again.

Mrs Milburn's made four. None of hers would touch them.

We spend our whole time eating leftovers.

What about the million starving goats in China?

Can't they think about them?

Just you eat up your nice porridge, Jamie.

- Joe loves his, don't you, darling? - Yeah, it's smashing.

Pickled onion, blancmange, four breakfast bowls,

porridge, cold sausage.

Empty stomach.

And where's my pyjamas, eh? Oh, and some brown paper to wrap them in.

Well, all the excitement and rushing around...

It's all noise and talk with you, Jamie. You never actually do anything, do you?

Brown paper is all I want. Save the homespun philosophy.

Let me see, now. Brown paper.

What's the brown paper for then?

To make paper hats with.

Oh! Do you know I've been looking for this book for ages.

It's for pyjamas, nit.

Oh, you're taking pyjamas with you, eh?

Oh, of course. You can't let him go naked.

Oh, goodness! Not with his chest.

Oh, I thought at least they'll be laying on a valet for him.

Putting things out for the young master in the west wing.

Very funny.

- What are you looking for? - Brown paper.

I've got some nice Christmas wrappings.

I can't take that. It'll look as if I've got a present.

No present?

Haven't you ever been away for the weekend before?

Never mind, I'll do without it. It's too late.

I'll carry them casually over me shoulder.

I should have known that brown paper just doesn't exist.

Brown paper? Why didn't you say so?

Now, you look after it, Jamie. I know what those people are like.

I shall be wanting it back for my sandwiches.

Oh, what a cow of a shot.

Jamie! Jamie, Jamie, Jamie. You want to make it a foursome?

Sounds a bit too kinky for me.

- My father. - How do you do?

- My brother, Charles. - Hello.

Mummy. She won't play.

Hello.

Have you brought a present?

- It's my pyjamas. - Wild.

I wish you'd leave that girl alone.

George, she's a foreigner.

Lovely garden you've got here.

High tea on the low grass. Sounds quite adventurous, doesn't it?

Isn't this cosy, George?

Oh, it's important to play with one's children occasionally.

A playful child is a happy child, I always say.

Ingrid, did you bring the damson jam?

Ja, the jamson dam is here.

No, dear, that's the ketchup.

Her English really is improving, you know.

Why did you choose a German one?

I told you. The French ones were all used up.

We're just going to have a quiet supper at home tonight.

No servants, no fuss. Just family.

Well, they're clever people with grapes, those Spanish.

It's a polite little sherry, don't you think?

Lovely. Good manners, too.

Mmm.

People know me for my candles.

It's a cross between medium sweet and medium dry.

It's a bit sweeter than dry and just a bit drier than medium.

I see what you mean. You sort of plunk in the middle.

Here, Jamie, next to me.

Move up.

Thank you, Ingrid.

Dextrously, yet, unobtrusively, eh?

You mustn't bruise the wine or rupture the cork.

Ah! You can always tell the old master's touch.

Daddy treats Ingrid just like one of the family.

I can see that. How does he treat the family?

Daddy just loves to drink.

He's an expert on wine.

Do play along with him, he so loves to initiate a novice.

Good bouquet greets the nostrils like an old friend.

Clever people with grapes, these French.

We mustn't start with anything too influential. It's a peeve.

The colour gives it away.

- Oh, you know a bit about wine, do you? - No, I'm just a novice.

Mmm, not bad.

A wafting reminder of its French homeland.

A tiny tinge of recognition.

A cautious hello to its hidden personality.

Hello.

- No magic incense. - Now, gently meet it halfway.

And let it tickle your tongue.

As it titillates your teeth.

- And tonsils. - And taste buds.

Ah! Mmm.

Like a hello from an old, old friend.

Did you ever see such a fuss over grape juice?

Oh, my God!

George, you've got him pissed again.

Yes, they're clever people with grapes, see, these Yugoslavs.

You are a brick. You really made the party go.

Nice of you to have me.

It was lovely having you, darling.

Mummy and Daddy are super at entertaining, aren't they?

Super!

Have a brandy, Johnny?

Oh!

Shall we go upstairs?

Might as well, or else I might turn into a grape.

Clever people with grapes, those McGregors.

- Oh, Jamie, you're funny. - I know. I always laugh at my own jokes.

Don't stay up too late you two. School tomorrow.

But they haven't had any port.

That's your room there. There.

Hey...

I won't be a moment.

There. That's very sexy, that.

I wonder what's taking her so long.

Maybe she's fallen in.

Two tops!

God, I'll kill Mum.

What am I going to do?

Hey, maybe she's waiting for me.

She might've told me where to go.

Gentlemen, the Queen.

Mmm.

Cynthia, think of the children.

It's like the bloody Arabian Nights, that's what it is.

No, no, no. No, don't touch me. That would spoil everything.

Just look at me first.

Right, that's enough. Now close your eyes.

Close your eyes.

Ow!

Right, come on, stop messing about.

I'm not after my Duke of Edinburgh's Award.

What are you after, Jamie? Tell me.

Don't you think?

I've got a lovely...

voice?

Look, don't you think you'll be better off on the bed?

You're not quite capable.

Who's not capable?

I'm capable anywhere. Capable Caroline.

Come on, Jamie. What's the matter with the floor?

- It's hard. - Okay.

On top of the wardrobe then.

Daddy told me about the couple who went on top of a wardrobe.

I suppose Daddy would.

And Daddy would want Jamie.

I suppose Daddy would, and Mummy, and me.

And you, Jamie?

No! You can't!

Caroline! Caroline!

Ingrid.

God! Don't you ever stop? You, you sex debaser.

Jamie, a little warm milk before bedtime?

God! Stupid! Women! Well, I've had it.

I mean, I haven't had it. Yeah, well, I'm off you all from now.

That's the last time any phoney girl is going to make a fool out of me.

Thanks for dropping me off. Saved me from being late.

Thanks for a smashing weekend. Super.

- See ya. - Rain in Spain, eh, Jamie?

Oh, hi, Spike. You've been here all weekend then?

Ha-ha!

Did you thumb the lift then?

Not bad, you're trying.

Actually, the old man said I could borrow the Jag,

but Caroline insisted she brought me herself.

Well, you know how it is, don't you?

Oh, insolence, 100 lines.

You haven't been there for the weekend.

- Have you? - Hey, Jamie!

Jamie!

- You left these behind. - Thank you.

About time I got down to some work.

Can't spend all of one's weekends with birds. Can one, Spike?

- Hey! Jamie! - Wait a minute!

it's all a rotten farce.

Look at them, all envious thinking I've had this fantastic weekend,

and look at me, letting them think it.

Everybody's got things upside-down,

all because of phoney old girls and phoney old sex.

Yeah, well I'm off 'em, both.

Ooh, it's cold.

Ooh, it's freezing.

Hey, get out of my mind. I'm supposed to be off you.

Must get in training.

Especially if our borstal's gonna beat that public school.

Clean health in body and mind.

Keep S-E-X in its place.

I'm giving it up, forever!

Was it Mrs Gamp

who was chasing donkeys away from out front?

David Copperfield, Jamie.

- Remember? - Hmm?

And who said, "Just a piece of cheese. All I want is a piece of cheese."

Oh, Mum, give over.

That's the hundredth question.

Why can't you read David Copperfield backwards?

If it's not "Scratch your back", "Clean the lav", "What's seven twelves?"

it's "Where's the cheese?"

I didn't say, "Where's the cheese?"

- I said, "Who said it?" - "Who said it?"

Betsey Trotwood. That's who I am thinking of.

Mum, I've got to study.

All right then, just let me unplug myself,

and I'll pop over to Mrs Milburn's for a second.

Like that? You'll frighten her cats.

If your Dad comes back, say I'm, uh...

No, you better not say anything.

Say I've just gone.

Oh, no. No, you better not say that.

You better just say, uh...

I don't think I'll go.

Oh, I must run.

God give me strength.

"Gladstone did not understand the Irish question. Discuss."

"To say that Gladstone didn't understand the Irish question

"is to say that..."

What the hell is there to discuss?

I wonder what Mary's doing.

Wonder if I'll ever know.

Wonder if she'll ever know.

I wonder if she'll wonder if I wonder if she'll wonder...

Oh, stop it. You're driving me crazy.

Good.

Have some of Mrs Milburn's nice blancmange.

None of hers would touch it.

Doesn't she ever make anything they'll eat?

There's someone at the door.

Are you incapacitated or something?

Got my homework to do, haven't I?

What a nice car.

Is it a Ford or a Jaguar?

I never know the difference.

It's that girl that was with Craig Foster.

Audrey, wasn't it?

Hello, is Jamie in?

Oh, yes, won't you come in? Uh, who are you?

- I'm Audrey. - Oh, well.

Jamie, Audrey's here.

Oh, hello. What a surprise.

- Are you on your own? - I am actually.

- Shall I take your coat? - No thanks.

Don't take any notice of her. She only lives here.

Can you come to a party, Jamie?

Eh? Oh, I'm right in the middle of my essay.

What a prevarication. You haven't written a line.

Oh, isn't he awful?

At Craig's dad's place. Very clean.

Thought you'd like it.

Would you like some porridge or some blancmange?

Okay, I'll come. I won't be a minute.

Mum, don't do anything.

What a rotten house.

Mum, her Dickens. It's like he wrote about us.

They are characters and we are characters.

Characters is right.

Must hurry.

She'll be halfway through me life story by now.

Do you know, I boil them three times

and they're still as bad.

- Mum! - Jamie, what do you do with them?

He will wear them the whole week.

- Super. - Come on, let's get out of here. Bye.

Not too many of those nasty drugs now, you two.

Craig's dad's shop. His dad's away.

I was wondering what happened in furniture stores at night.

Great!

I guess there is no point in any preliminary conversation.

Guess there isn't.

Hi, there, Johnny, I'll bring her back in half a tick.

Alley-oop!

Ah, you now owe me six pegs,

three wardrobes, and your mother and father.

Sorry, Arthur, they're exhibition models only.

Ah, you cheat. I ain't playing you no more.

Bye, Jamie, see you!

I'll see you tomorrow.

Move.

Aye, aye.

- Oh, Spike. - Well, I am...

I'm having a lovely time, Spike. Aren't you?

Hey, sardines.

A request for a game of sardine.

I'll meet you in the alcove over there, okay?

What do you think I am?

- That's what I want to find out. - Great.

Hi, Gerald, who are you with?

Oh, it's just an old friend of the family.

You're coming on at last.

It's the only way, mate.

It happened again.

The constant repetition of my staggering ineptitude

is staggering and inept.

Since I'm never going to make it with Mary, anyway,

what am I saving myself for?

You're getting colder.

No, I'm getting hotter.

- I feel I'm getting warmer. - You are, you are. Over here.

Again, again.

I'm going to find you.

I think I've lost the scent.

It's not in here, mate.

Anybody there?

Where are you?

Ooh.

Oh, Jamie, we shouldn't have.

Yeah, well.

That's about it.

Oh! Oh, sorry.

Right. Let's go.

What are you thinking about?

I've been waiting for you to ask me what I've been thinking about.

So I've been trying to think of what I could say I was thinking about.

I've thought of 15 witty spontaneous openings so far.

But because I thought about myself thinking about them,

they all sounded daft.

Did you practice that as well?

Yeah.

What's really the matter?

I went with Audrey at the party.

I know.

Well, it's over now.

I think anybody who gets involved with anybody else is mad, don't you?

That's exactly what I believe. I always have done.

You've got to take life as it comes, haven't you?

Mmm. You're so right, Jamie. Absolutely.

You've got to have a good time. Life's too short otherwise.

- You got to play the field, haven't you? - That's what I do.

I agree.

I agree!

- Really? - Well, of course I do.

It's taken me long enough to arrive at it.

Yes, it has taken you long enough.

What has?

Oh, I don't know. Everything.

When I was 13 and in second class,

I had written all over my French exercise book

Mrs Jamie McGregor.

I used to sit and look at it and think how good it looked.

Really? But you didn't even know me.

I know, but I wanted to.

Did you really have my name on your French book?

Sure, and on my English book, I had Mrs Georgie Milburn

and Geometry was Mrs Tony Smith.

Now, who was algebra?

How about tomorrow? Pick you up at seven, okay?

Okay. Cross your heart?

Goodnight.

God, I never kissed her.

Oh, let me help you, Mrs McGregor.

No, that's all right, Mary, dear, I can manage.

Just sit yourself down.

I like your mum.

So do I. Best of all in the kitchen.

Oh, you're just showing off. I was dying to meet her.

I know. I can't understand why.

Oh, Mrs McGregor, what a lovely vase. Where did you get it?

Oh, Mary, dear, I am glad you like that.

Do you know, I've had that vase for 20 years.

All I had to do was to send in 10 coupons to the Daily Express

and it was either that or a gardening book.

Well, I hadn't got a garden at the time, so that's what I got.

Oh, I forgot, I could have had a medical dictionary as well,

couldn't I, Jamie?

I'm the first girl you brought home, aren't I?

Yep.

What would you like, a gardening book or a medical dictionary?

It's lovely.

That's the real us, down there. This up here, make-believe.

A pure con to have us on and make us think we're substantial.

We rush around like idiots,

like it all doesn't matter.

It says, "Nothing's our reflection."

I know. Let's go away together. Just the two of us.

There. Nice, isn't it?

- How did you know this place existed? - It doesn't.

- It's actually a colour supplement. - Better watch I don't step off the page.

Here, come here, boy, here!

Come here. Have you met Walter? Come here.

Don't you think he's exactly a Walter?

I thought perhaps he was a Fido.

Or even a Bonzo.

Bonzo? You're raving.

You can't tell Bonzo from Fido, after all the experience you've had.

What'll happen?

Well, the Canine Defence League will be after you for a start.

And then the RSPCA, and then me!

Stop it. Oh, go away!

Spike was wrong.

He believes you should have affairs all the time

with whoever happens to come along.

But you gotta know the person properly. It's the only way.

Who says so?

Come on, I'm going for a swim.

Hey, I know I'm pretty good at getting girls excited,

but this is ridiculous.

I'm having a swim.

They'll lock you up.

My mum's always reading about people like you on television.

Not so fast, you're just steaming up me bifocals.

Oh, come on.

It's not Piccadilly Circus. You don't need a costume.

I just need to get me underpants off

and little men with binoculars will pop out the water.

Oh, you're a prude. That's your trouble.

- I'm not a prude. - Yes, you are.

I don't know.

What are young girls coming to these days?

Come on. Don't be shy. It's beautiful.

It will be Piccadilly Circus next.

Hang about, I'm coming!

Well, don't take all day about it then.

- Is it warm? - It's lovely.

Mmm.

After being seduced by a beautiful mature woman of 28...

- Mmm? - This is what I always dreamt about.

- What's the matter? - There's something wet!

- Walter, scram! - Oh, ignore him, he'll go away.

He's interrupting me. I can't concentrate.

Just pretend it's the water, gently lapping over you.

Water's supposed to be very Freudian.

It's Pavlov we want, not Freud.

Oh!

Go and chase that.

Oh!

What are you thinking?

Me? Thinking?

I was wondering what you were thinking.

Liar.

I'm sorry.

Nothing to be sorry about.

I know.

I'm not. I just said it for effect.

Me Tarzan, you Jane.

Oh, brilliant.

You just look daft.

Get aside! Go away!

Me want white girl!

Me want white man, not skinny boy!

Too late!

Now, my Lady Chatterley,

I'll show you why they put the game in gamekeeper.

Do you know? I was absolutely starving.

They'll capsize if they're not careful. Oh, no, they're all right.

What did you think of your skinny boy then, eh?

Very nasty.

Nasty?

I'm talking about last night, not the rotten boats.

Last night? Smashing. You're a lovely fellow.

I think you're smashing.

I bet you say that to all your girls.

Did you say it to Audrey and to Caroline?

- Never. - Ah.

- Let's come next weekend, eh? - Okay.

Oh, no, I forgot. I've got something on.

It's impossible. I won't allow it. You can't have anything on. Not now.

Not now, next Sunday.

Hello, Mary.

Oh, hello, Mark.

Jamie, isn't it?

Hi. Listen, we've got two boats outside. Do you wanna come along?

Oh, sure, we'd love to. Come on, Jamie.

- Where are you going next Sunday, then? - Jamie, pull that in tight.

I don't know. Sailing probably.

Who with? Where? Why? You can't be going with somebody else.

- Are you telling me? - Yes.

Look, I can do what I like and you can do what you like.

Remember, we made a bargain. You crossed your heart.

Who are you going with?

Curtis?

Will you stay the night?

I don't know. We'll see how we feel.

At the boatel, just like us?

So, he's just a bloke and you're just a bloke?

I'm not a nun, you know. I haven't taken any vows.

You think you can just pick me up and drop me like a yo-yo?

Jamie, don't. That makes it sound awful.

Now, look, will you lean back like this?

Oh.

I know. How about the weekend after next?

- No, it won't work. - Why not?

You could go with somebody else and I wouldn't mind.

I think that's the worst thing I've ever heard you say.

Why?

Well, if you don't know, I can't tell you.

Your rules and my rules are different, that's all.

I've had enough of bits and pieces.

Bit of a relationship here, a piece of sex there.

Jamie, you're just a romantic.

Okay, it's not illegal.

So you're out of step. Things don't happen like that anymore.

You expect too much.

And I'll go right on expecting, thank you very much.

I just hope I won't be making the same mistakes again.

Just sit down.

Jamie, sit down, you're upsetting the boat.

To hell with the boat. Turn the bloody thing round.

Don't. Don't be so stupid. Sit down.

Stupid? That's rich!

It's the first time I haven't been stupid!

Jamie, stop shouting and sit down before we both go in the water.

- I'm not shouting! - Yes, you are. Sit down!

And even if I am, it doesn't matter!

- It's all over! You'll see! - Please, Jamie, I want to come with you.

- Too late now, girl! You'll see! - Now get back in the boat.

I hope she does see.

I hope I do, too.

Oh, God, the thing I've wanted for the last 500 years.

And it was me who said goodbye.

- Hi, Spike. - Hello, mate.

One more split shift and I'm chucking this.

That inspector must think I'm a Siamese twin.

There's a lot of money in split shifts, mate.

You'll be glad with the lolly next term.

University.

Two more weeks and we'll be there. All those new birds, eh?

Fresh out of some convent school.

- I told you I'd given them up. - Oh, yeah, we know.

You can pull the other one. It's got bells on.

You know, it's a miracle you got a university place,

all that crumpeteering you did.

I'm gonna wait till I'm really old, then line them up,

all the birds I've ever known, shut me eyes and pick one.

Yeah, you need to. Some of the ones you've known.

Audrey.

I wonder which comic is in bed with her now.

A piece of sex here

and a bit of a relationship there won't work.

I know what'll happen to Caroline.

Capable Caroline.

Paula. She'll catch her curate.

Suppose I had to go through it all. But what a drag.

Even runny old Linda.

Cor!

I did go through with it all and that's it.

I've had me promiscuity bit.

Well, back to the grind.

- Here, did you hear how they got on? - Who?

Mary and Claire.

Seems a million years ago now.

Mary failed her English. She won't get in anywhere now.

Doesn't matter. She'll be all right.

- How did Claire do? - Very good grades, probably get a grant.

- Hmm. - She's coming with us to Manchester.

God, I better stay clear of her then.

I'll have you know I find her unbelievably attractive.

- Hmm. - But she hates men.

I thought you said you were off women.

Hair's nice.

Hmm.

Perhaps her legs aren't too bad.

That's the kind of girl I'd like to marry.

She seems a nice class of person.

Wahey!

Hey!