Original subtitles

Good... Morning... Everybody.

- man: hi. - morning.

They're in your office.

Happy birthday, barney.

Hey, big mouth, did You get an invitation?

What's the matter with you?

- surprise. - surprise.

Happy birthday.

Thank you.

Who asked you to butt In? You're a criminal.

You know him personally?

Do you work here? Did you get him a gift?

All right, levitt.

Who is he?

Lewis beilin... Breaking and entering.

And party pooping.

Wojo: hey, guys.

Wha... What, did I miss the party?

No, we're just peaking.

I'm sorry, barn.

I was checking This guy for priors.

Fine.

- uh, happy birthday. - thank you.

We got you a present.

I forgot to pick it up.

I appreciate the Gesture. Thank you.

Well, that was fun.

Yeah, let's do it Again next year.

Well?

- I'll get it This afternoon. - I meant him.

Oh, he broke into a Warehouse over on canal.

Hey, come on. I knocked.

When we picked him up,

He had loaded a couple Of dozen crates in his van.

Crates of what?

A few breasts, mostly thighs.

What?

Frozen chicken, barn.

Planning on having a Barbecue, mr. Beilin?

I was just exercising My rights as an american.

By breaking and entering?

I mean, it's a Government warehouse

Piled up to the rafters With government food,

And I'm a citizen.

That's an interesting concept.

It's very new.

Sit down.

Look, the stuff is Just sitting there,

And it's gonna keep on Sitting there till it rots.

And then they're gonna toss It into some garbage dump

And leave it for the rats.

And you were trying to steal it.

Oh, sure. Avoid the issue.

Sit down.

Barney, that was dispatch.

There's a disturbance In a newspaper office.

You and harris.

Uh, you still gonna pick Up barney's bagpipes?

Barney: bye, dietrich.

Wait till he sees the kilts.

- sir. - hmm.

Any many happy returns.

Thank you.

I'll remember this.

- he's right. - huh?

He was right, beilin.

I called down at the warehouse.

The guy told me the government Leased the place six months ago.

Stuffed it full of Surplus chicken.

It was just sitting there.

It's ridiculous, isn't it?

With people going Hungry out there.

Yeah, it does seem A little strange.

Seems like we ought To do something.

What did you have in mind, wojo?

I don't know.

Just something.

You think perhaps this is The president's responsibility?

Suppose nobody Tells him about it.

Come on, you guys. He couldn't find Somebody who likes his name in the paper?

It was responsible information From a highly reliable source.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Take it easy. What Have we got here?

Assault and battery... This is wendell bergendahl.

That's andrew Jessel, cub reporter.

When we got to the city room,

We found these two Grappling around on the floor.

After he loosened A few of my teeth.

Not bad for a Cadaver, eh, dirt head?

What's happening to our society?

I mean, this blind hostility And it's fueled by stress

And discontent.

And it breeds violence.

Apparently.

The fight started When mr. Jessel

Refused to cooperate With mr. Bergendahl.

I just wanted a Simple retraction.

He told me to take out an ad.

It doesn't need a retraction.

Retraction of what?

His obituary.

I rest my case.

Ironic, huh?

I'm in my kitchen this Morning eating a bowl of life,

Turned the page, I Read that I'm dead!

Apparently there are a couple

Of wendell bergendahls Running around.

Well, can I help that?

I mean, I'm just sitting there,

I'm juggling funeral homes,

And I'm trying to Beat the deadline.

And suddenly this guy comes in

And he punches me in the face.

By 8:30 this morning,

Four realtors want To show my apartment.

And when my mother Reads it, she almost did die.

I mean, I just want people To know that I'm still around.

Well, I'm convinced.

All right. We're gonna need Some statements. Gentlemen?

You want the stiff?

Surprise me.

You know that never works.

Mr. Bergendahl, you want to Have a seat right over there?

Mr. Jessel, just have a seat...

So anyway, one day at The campus bookstore,

I just happened To pick up a copy

Of "All the president's men."

Oh, once I started, I Just couldn't stop.

The cunning investigative work,

And the hopping planes

On a moment's notice To pursue a lead,

And the clandestine Meetings in garages,

And living on coffee And cigarettes...

Well, I decided then

It was the only thing I Wanted to do with my life.

So I work my tail off, I Graduate with honors,

And the next thing I know, I'm stuck in some dingy corner

Sharing a phone with The assistant food editor

And copying biographies Of boring dead people

While the real reporters Just walk by and snicker.

You know, I keep asking Myself, "What am I doing wrong?"

- have one? - I don't smoke.

Well, see, there you go.

Yes, sir, can I help you?

Herb lund, department Of agriculture.

How you doing?

You called about a problem With one of our warehouses.

Uh-huh. Captain?

Yes, can I help you?

Herb lund, department Of agriculture.

There's a problem with One of our warehouses.

It's the cheese again, isn't it?

- chicken. - chicken?

Oh, uh, so, uh, who's Sergeant wojowosky?

Wojciehowicz.

It says wojowosky.

That's wojciehowicz.

- wojciehowicz. - wojciehowicz.

Yeah?

Sergeant, there's Someone here to see you.

Uh-huh?

Herb lund, department Of agriculture.

There's a problem with One of our warehouses.

Well, someone From the government

Had to come down And sign a complaint.

Really?

How about those medflies, huh?

We're also a little curious, Mr. Lund, about that chicken

That you've got stored At the warehouse.

Wojo.

Just as long as he's here.

What about the Chicken, sergeant?

Well, it's just that It seems so strange

That you've got All this food there,

And there are people Who really need it.

Fine.

What are you gonna do about it?

Uh, we have no immediate plans.

Then what did you buy It for in the first place?

Look, I'm sure you're Very concerned.

I just don't have the time

To sit here and explain the Kind system of price supports.

Uh-huh.

Even the most basic fundamentals Of supplied side economics

Are very difficult for the Ordinary person to understand.

Try us.

When there is an overabundance Of certain foodstuffs,

It is our responsibility To purchase the excess

So as not to drive the Wholesale price down

To the point where the Farming community would suffer.

Okay.

Then under suitable Conditions we distribute it

To prisons, school systems, The canal zone, etc. Etc. Etc.

Thank you for your Explanation, mr. Lund.

Wait a minute.

- oh, please. - wojo.

Look, I just think

They ought to get Off the dime here, barn.

I mean, all of this doesn't Mean anything if the stuff rots.

They've had it for six months.

Remember when I left That chicken sandwich

In my locker for three days?

Hey, you want my job?

You want a truckload of Forms to process, six-day weeks,

An office knee-high in Bureaucratic sewage?

This year, half The florida citrus

Has turned into snowballs.

Reagan is about to Dump a third of my staff,

And there is talk now Of a new grain embargo.

And yesterday, my 14-year-old shaved his head!

Wojo, uh... Barn.

Just process the Complaint, all right?

Yeah, sure.

Uh, have a seat, Please, mr. Lund.

Thank you.

May I help you?

I'm mrs. Wendell bergendahl.

I'm looking for my husband.

He's in there.

Uh, he's not mine.

He's the only one we got.

Just a coincidence, I suppose.

Excuse me. Barney.

Hmm?

Got a live one.

Can I help you? I'm captain miller.

I'm ruth bergendahl. My Husband's name is wendell.

Ah, in the cage.

No, no... In the paper.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Well, I'm really Not sure it's him.

We were separated Three years ago.

He ran off with the neighbor's Foreign-exchange student.

I see.

I got over it.

Well, good.

I was granted a divorce.

I got alimony and His life insurance.

So far, I haven't been Able to collect on either.

Well, that's... Life.

Yeah.

I called the paper.

They told me he was Brought over here.

Well... Well, if that's not him,

Maybe I'll get lucky On the other one.

Yeah, keep a good thought.

Um, I really don't Know what to do now.

Who do I talk to?

Why don't you get on the phone,

See if you can get some more Information from downtown?

Sergeant dietrich Will be glad to help you.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Oh, is there someplace I Could go to freshen up?

Uh, no, but we have a bathroom.

Thank you.

Pardon me, are you really Mrs. Wendell bergendahl?

Yes.

I never thought there'd ever be

A mrs. Wendell bergendahl.

Oh, you're not married?

No. I guess I was busy.

I hope anyway that You really find him.

Thank you.

You know, I...

Nice to meet you.

You too.

Hey, you know, just Out of curiosity,

Did he look anything like me?

No, not exactly.

Well, I guess he had to Be different somewhere.

Once he told me

That he had slept with all The women in our building.

Oh.

It's a high-rise.

Why would he do that?

I mean, you seem so nice.

Hold that thought.

You know, sergeant, I can't help thinking

That under different Circumstances,

We could have been friends.

Oh, yeah?

Not that I don't Have any friends.

I'm sure they call.

I'm just out in the Field all the time.

Look, I understand that There's certain validity

To what you're saying, But you don't understand.

There's nothing I can do about it.

Is that really true?

Who are you?

He's a newspaper reporter.

I mean, if you Really feel that way,

Why don't you just Open up the warehouse

And start passing it out?

Heh! What, to anybody?

They don't have any forms.

So give them some.

You don't know what You're talking about.

Do you realize how much Time that would take?

Well, for all the time you've Been sitting here talking,

A few dozen hungry kids Could have had something to eat,

Or don't you think About things like that?

Yes, I think about Things like that.

What, you don't Think I have feelings?

You don't think I Get frustrated?

You don't think there's days

I'd like to pitch the book of Regulations out the window?

Then why don't you?

Because that would be... Heroic.

I'd like to be a hero. It'd be nice to be a hero.

Herb lund... Hero.

I'm not a hero, all right?

Anyway, after he Left, I was a total mess.

If it weren't for the children,

I probably would Have fallen apart.

It must be nice To have children.

Oh... Yes.

I played with some once.

So, what sort of work do you do?

Oh, me?

Little of this, little of that.

I manufacture sleepwear.

Really? For how long?

Oh, let me see... Roughly my whole life.

Must be very exciting.

Keeps me awake.

You like that?

Of course.

I toss that out at Parties all the time.

I tell that to Everybody, then I leave.

You do?

Yeah.

I guess I can never think of Anything more to talk about.

I have over 30 negligees.

Hi.

Andy, look, I...

This will just take a minute.

I got to talk to my editor.

Hello, lou.

Oh, come on.

I get a lot of that.

We're all set here now, barn.

Great.

We appreciate your Cooperation, mr. Lund.

Captain, I'm only sorry

I wasn't better able To accommodate you.

Yeah, I'm sure you are.

Right.

May I sign something now?

Yes.

Excuse me, that's the Canal warehouse, right?

Why, who wants to know?

- my editor. - oh, my god.

Hello, rewrite. Listen, I Got some feed for you here.

Hey, what the hell do You think you're doing?

All right, this is it.

"Uncle sam hoards drumsticks While cutting welfare to bone."

- it writes itself. - you can't do this.

They'll be swarming All over the place.

"You thought you could only Find chicken in supermarkets,

But this reporter has Some chilling facts."

Will you listen to Me? I'll lose my job.

I've got a wife! I've got An unbalanced child!

Hey, it's big.

And I'll have it ready For the morning edition.

He's crazy. You got to Stop him. I'll press charges.

Hey, first amendment... Freedom of the press.

It's the government.

And that's only the Tip of the iceberg.

You said you guys got Some butter, too, right?

Nothing... You'll get Nothing out of me.

Please, look, just Trust me, will you?

Trust me. You're john doe.

That's not the point.

The point is I have A responsibility

To the system, to the people.

We have guidelines to adhere to.

We have loyalties.

We have precepts.

We have rules!

And we have peanut Butter in new jersey.

Wait! They got peanut butter.

- what am I doing? - you're doing great. Go for it.

Canned beets in rhode island...

Canned beats.

Raisins in ohio... Raisins.

Dry milk... We got Dry milk in 20 states...

Ha! They got dry milk.

And enough avocados to Fill the rose bowl twice.

Avocados!

- water. - over here.

No, I'm telling you,

This comes from an Unimpeachable source.

Right. Move it, right.

Oh, look, and don't Forget the byline...

Andrew p. Jessel.

I got to go. I got Butter in staten island.

Well, listen,

Take care of yourself, Mr. Lund, all right?

Yeah.

I think I'll take the ferry...

Walk up to the bow And just stand there

Straight, proud, Looking straight ahead,

Just let the wind Blow in my face.

Then I'm gonna get really sick.

It's funny.

I was sort of expecting To see my husband again.

I guess I disappointed you, huh?

Oh, no, I enjoyed... Excuse me.

The wendell Bergendahl in the paper

Was claimed by his Sister this morning.

Mine didn't have a sister.

Oh. Well, I guess That kills that.

I guess it does.

I also checked downtown.

They got files on a Wendell r. Bergendahl

In albuquerque, one in Seattle, two in detroit,

And one in helena, montana.

You're kidding.

Were any of them keeping Company with a korean?

I didn't ask.

Oh, of course.

Well, I guess you'll Keep looking for him, huh?

I suppose.

I don't even know Where montana is.

I think you go to Colorado... And ask.

Thought I'd try Another one out on you.

Oh, bye, mr. Bergendahl.

Bye, mrs. Bergendahl.

Has kind of a ring to it.

Oh, yeah.

Maybe I can call You on the phone.

I could, you know, See you sometime.

How?

Well, I'm not gonna Be in here forever.

How long do you figure?

Maybe this afternoon.

What did you do?

I hit somebody.

A woman?

No.

555-4349.

555-4349.

You dog, you.

Junk mail call.

- ron. - thank you.

Art.

Thank you, carl.

Of course, the birthday boy.

Thank you.

So it's all downhill From here, huh, sir?

Not that it's a short Slope or anything.

I get the message.

I guess I owe you guys an Apology for this morning.

You may have noticed my lack Of enthusiasm for this date.

No kidding, sir.

When I think about It, it's probably true.

I don't want to be reminded

That it's all going By so fast, you know?

I understand that, sir.

We just thought that by Throwing a little party,

We might be able to get Your mind off of things.

That makes absolutely No sense, you know.

I know, sir.

But I'm grateful for The gesture, in any case.

However, I would appreciate it

If we just forgot About the calendar

And got back to Some business, huh?

Sure.

Your present, sir.

I didn't say from who.

Hey, that's really nice.

There's more, sir.

Oh.

All right, any hints?

Well, it's not your kilts.

"From the desk Of barney melnick."

Levitt.

That's not what I told him.

Didn't you look at it When you picked them up?

They were already wrapped!

It's okay, it's okay. I Can take them back.

I don't know. I like them.