Original subtitles

Okay, mr. Deluca.

You, uh, want to just tell Me exactly what happened?

Sure.

Unless I'm keeping You from something.

Uh, it's okay.

Thank you.

Well, let's see.

I was on my way

To the jewish home and Hospital for the aged.

I always go there on wednesdays.

Oh?

I'm a volunteer.

I read poetry to The old and the ill.

That's nice.

Yeah.

Well, anyway,

I was just about Ready to catch my bus

When I saw this woman

Lying facedown on the sidewalk.

Mm-hmm.

So I run over there

Just as fast as my wooden Leg would carry me.

I knelt down beside her,

And I asked her if there Was something I could do.

And?

And she says, "Sure."

Then she grabs me in a headlock,

Starts biting my ear.

The next thing I know,

Her and these two big guys Are going through my pockets.

They kicked me in the Ribs a couple of times

And ran away.

They even broke My reading glasses.

God, I'm really sorry.

Oh, no, no, that's okay.

I mean, better me

Than somebody less Fortunate, you know?

Right.

Look, why don't You just sit there

And, um, you know,

Try and make Yourself comfortable?

I'll get you a cup of coffee.

I don't want to put you out.

That's okay. I don't mind.

But I'm being a bother.

It's okay. Look, I want a cup.

I'll get it.

Hey, I'll get it.

- it's all the way... - I'll manage.

Well, I... Yeah, it's A bit suspicious

When a whole family Just disappears like that,

But, uh...

Um... Lady, look,

There's nothing We can do about it.

Yeah, sure.

Yes, we'll keep an Eye out for them.

Right. Bye.

Someone missing?

The waltons.

Oh.

Somebody wanted to know What happened to them.

I think the, uh,

I think the mother's A nurse now.

I'll have to check it out.

Marginal mail call.

Just a bunch of junk.

Appreciate it.

That's what I'm here for.

Here you go, sergeant.

Thank you, carl.

I read the book.

- good morning, levitt. - morning, sir.

Barney, alarm just went off.

Office building on 5th.

Oh, sir, I'm available.

Take wojo.

May I help you?

Yes, I'm perlita avilar...

From the philippines.

Okay.

They told me downstairs that...

Frank might be up here.

Frank who?

Frank luger.

Uh, what do you Want to see him for?

We're supposed to get married.

My god.

Didn't he, uh...

Didn't he know she was coming?

I don't know.

I mean, he went through That, uh, mail-order bride thing,

What, six months ago.

I thought he forgot About the whole thing.

Did you?

Well, I mean, we, uh...

We went through the Magazines together.

I picked her out, among others.

I wrote all the letters.

I can't imagine he would Make a decision like this

Without checking with me.

But, barney, he Didn't get her for you.

It's free now.

I straightened it a little.

Well, that really Wasn't necessary.

Oh?

I, uh, left a message With the inspector.

Frank.

He, uh, he should Be here momentarily.

Thank you.

He was expecting you, wasn't he?

I think so.

I'm telling you, I Didn't steal nothing.

Double negative?

Okay, I'm colloquial. So sue me.

What, uh, what have we got here?

This is vincent brysom.

And you are?

What happened?

Did luger show up yet?

What happened?

Uh, well, uh,

We, uh, we got to That building there.

We caught vinny here Sneaking out the back,

Trying to cart off A video recorder,

Two electric typewriters,

And this bust of einstein.

Yeah, he's a snob like All the rest of them.

All the rest of whom?

Mensans.

Mensans?

Yeah, we caught vinny Ransacking the mensa office.

Mensa... Oh, that's, uh...

It's basically an organization

That caters to people With an I.Q. In the top 2%.

Right.

Sort of a social Club for geniuses.

What's the matter,

You got something Against smart people?

I'm a member.

Yeah, I bet.

No, he is, barn.

Huh?

He had this on him.

This says he's a member In good standing.

Until now.

You think this is funny?

No.

No, I was making a point.

See, I joined mensa

'cause I thought I could Find people like me there,

People I could talk to.

And?

They told me to wise up.

That's funny.

Sure, make jokes.

Look, simple guys like You don't understand

How frustrating it is

To zip through the Sunday crossword

Like it was nothing.

To always know how the Movie's gonna turn out.

I can't have a simple Conversation with somebody.

I just get bored.

Wojo, take his statement.

Okay, smart guy, sit down.

So, what did you do,

Teach yourself English on the plane?

No, we were taught English in the school.

And also, for 10 years, I Worked outside of manila

At clark air force base.

Bombardier?

No. I worked in the snack bar,

As a cashier. Uh-huh.

See, that's surprising.

A nice girl like you.

How come you didn't Marry a young flyboy?

Oh.

I had many proposals.

But... Marriage was Never mentioned.

Oh.

How about that Ali-frazier fight, huh?

The thing is, I was happy Back in grade school...

You know, hanging Out with the guys,

Cutting assembly, Smoking in the boys' room.

I had a ball.

I know what you're Talking about.

Then they go and they Give me this stupid test.

Next thing I know, I'm A junior at columbia,

Mathematics.

I was 12.

Tough break.

You're damn right.

No more friends.

Strangers pointing At me in the cafeteria.

Sorority girls Patting me on the head.

The freak.

Inside. Yeah, right.

So anyway, I'm off for My doctorate, right?

I'm maybe halfway through a Thesis in theoretical telemetry.

I said, to hell with this.

I packed my bags, Got on my bicycle,

Knocked off a liquor store,

And I never looked back.

You know it took me Three years to pass

The stupid sergeant's exam?

Really?

Wow.

That's great.

Hold it, mabel.

Don't set the table.

Frankie luger's at the plate.

Pyow!

And we're going Into extra innings.

Well, inspector...

You, uh, ready To hit a home run?

How's it going, har?

Diet, barn, wo.

Wojo: inspector.

Aloha, wahine.

Frank?

It's very nice to Meet you, frank.

Likewise, I'm sure.

Your office, barn?

I shall return.

- well, barney? - what do you mean, "Well"?

Well, I got your message. You wanted to see me.

Yes, about miss Avilar out there.

Who?

Oh, sweet leilani.

Oh, what did she have To say for herself?

She in town for the boat show?

You did send for her.

Not in the... In the Classic sense, barney.

I sent her one lousy postcard...

Picture of the Chrysler building.

Scribbled a little note on it.

"Thanks for your letters. The weather here's fine.

"If you ever get in this neck Of the woods, look me up.

Maybe we'll get Married. Regards, frank."

That's all there was to it.

That's all?

Well, I did apply

For one of them sweetheart Visa permits, you know,

Whatever they call them, barney.

And then in a weak moment

I may have signed some Gobbledygook immigration papers

That they stuck under my Nose as I'm walking out the door.

But I figured all That junk, barney,

It'd probably get Lost on a junk.

You did send for her.

I was only being polite, barn.

You got a hell of A way of showing it.

That woman just Traveled 10,000 miles

On the basis of your proposal.

She's been sitting out There in that squad room,

Stuck all morning, Waiting to see you.

All right.

You're starting To get cold feet?

Fine. We can deal with that.

But you cannot avoid The issue by hiding in here.

You're absolutely right, barn.

I'll be downstairs.

Inspector...

I don't want to get mixed up In these domestic squabbles.

You'll get rid of her, barney.

Thanks.

Uh, hey, got to run.

Captain?

Uh, miss avilar.

Is something wrong?

No. No, no, no.

Uh, the inspector just Remembered something

He had to do downstairs.

Police matter.

Oh, I see.

Is he coming back?

Of course.

Of course. Why shouldn't he?

Well, perhaps I should leave.

No. No, no, no.

Please.

I promise you he'll Be back momentarily.

He will? Maybe I'll leave.

Why don't you do what you can

To make miss avilar Feel comfortable?

Some coffee, tea, a magazine?

I feel like I'm Still on the plane.

Smoking, non-smoking?

I'll get you some tea.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

I'm norman. I have 17 foster-children.

Hey!

Yeah, can I help you?

I'm william dietz... Mensa.

Stanley wojciehowicz... Moron.

At any rate, they Informed me downstairs

That you're holding Our mr. Brysom here.

Yeah, that's him over There in the cage.

Oh, my.

The poor fellow looks Like he's on exhibit.

Well, it's free.

Hello, vincent.

Baldy.

Yes.

Anyway, I was Relaxing at my desk,

Thumbing through "The rosetta stone"

When I heard the disturbing news

That you had pillaged Our little club

And made off with some Rather valuable property.

Yeah. So?

Mr. Dietz, I'm captain miller.

Captain, captain,

I must say that I Am quite displeased

With your treatment Of mr. Brysom here.

Uh, I assume you're aware That mr. Brysom was arrested

For burglarizing the Offices of your organization.

Yes, yes, yes.

If I could just have a Word with mr. Brysom...

In private.

Certainly.

Thank you.

Anyway, vincent,

The thing I don't Quite understand,

So to speak,

Is why you chose To steal from us.

Why not?

Yes, but... We're your own kind.

I must say that I feel A little bit betrayed.

Don't take it personal. I steal from everybody.

Vincent, we are Hardly everybody.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Listen. I mean... No, listen.

The sole purpose of mensa

Is to bring people Like us together

As intellectual equals...

A select group of minds

Melded into a Magnificent cerebral mass

Which can hurtle its way

Across the horizon of knowledge

Up to the very Edge of esoterica.

I just wanted to Talk about broads.

Excuse me. Would You like a tootsie roll?

No. Thank you.

I always keep a handful In my pocket, you know?

For the kids who Come into my shop?

Yeah?

I fix toys.

Oh, that's nice.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

So, anyway, uh,

I've been noticing you Sitting here all day alone,

And I figure maybe you're Feeling a little bit sad.

I mean, what with Coming all the way over

And not knowing exactly What's going on and all.

Well, I just want to say

That if things don't work Out exactly like you planned,

And if it isn't too much Of an inconvenience,

Then I'll marry you.

I'm flattered that You offered, norman,

But I'm afraid I've already Made a commitment to frank.

Sure. I understand.

No problem.

Boy!

Anyway, vincent,

I must say that, Having evaluated

The pedestrian lifestyle You've embraced...

You know, skulking Down dark alleyways,

Climbing out of windows With your little sack,

Allowing yourself To victimize people

Who hardly merit Your attention...

Well, I must say,

I find the whole nasty business

Quite disheartening.

Who cares?

I care.

I do, vincent. I Want to help you.

I want to help you to Cultivate your potential,

To groom you for achievement,

To mold you into someone People admire and respect.

Mm-hmm.

Like me.

After all, you know,

I did found a booming Investment firm.

I'm highly regarded On the lecture circuit...

Anthropology.

I have a town house in the city.

I have an estate In vermont, geneva.

I have a beautiful, Intelligent wife, ruth.

Ruth.

You've heard of her, then?

Hmm?

You must have seen her...

The blonde in the maserati.

One who likes her Men young and dumb...

Construction Workers, bartenders,

Hockey players, cops.

Uh, sarge.

Okay, so maybe I don't Have bulging biceps

Or a swarthy complexion.

Maybe I do lack a Certain animal magnetism

Or handful upon Handful of dark, wavy hair.

Mr. Dietz.

Well, grass doesn't grow On a busy street, buster.

Sorry.

Do you want to step over here?

We'll sign a complaint.

Actually...

Actually, I think that We are better equipped

To deal with mr. Brysom Than the penal system

As it is currently constituted.

You're saying you're Not gonna press charges?

No.

Providing that mr. Brysom

Agrees to return With me to mensa

And attend a few of my Personality workshops.

I'll pass.

I get that from ruth.

Vincent.

Vincent, are you gonna allow me

To walk right out of here

And to leave you in The custody of these...

Well, you know what they are.

Yeah, I do.

I'd rather be here.

Thank you.

Fine.

Mr. Dietz,

Would you mind having a Seat at my desk for a minute?

You got a chance to walk Out of here a free man.

You're doing a stupid thing.

Well, it's a start.

I'm back.

Thanks, toots.

I see you're still here, huh?

There was nowhere else to go.

Oh, yeah. Right.

Inspector.

Barney.

Did you want to see me?

No.

Her.

Oh.

Gentlemen, it's About check-out time.

Yeah, I'm out of here.

We were just leaving.

Yep.

Come on, vinny.

One sec. One sec.

Come on.

Couldn't help it.

Um, I got to... Run.

Luger: go on.

Good luck.

You certainly have a Way with people, frank.

Oh, thank you.

You know,

I was beginning to think You weren't coming back.

I almost left.

I guess I saved you a trip, huh?

Well, no, actually, I got to thinking,

And I figured that...

Uh, that I owe you an apology

For my rude behavior Before and all.

That isn't really necessary.

Oh, no?

I mean, if you find Me unattractive,

If I'm just not what you're Looking for in a wife,

Then just tell me.

Oh, no.

I'll understand.

You look fine.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah, a little young, maybe.

You're not too tall.

But... You're healthier Than I had planned.

I sent you my photograph.

Oh, yes, but I kind of...

I figured that was A picture of, maybe,

Your great-granddaughter Or mrs. Marcus

Or one of the local Banana queens or somebody.

That's a really nice Thing to say, frank.

Yes. Yes, it is.

Oh, look, but don't Go getting any ideas

About people throwing The rice and old shoes yet.

I wouldn't do That if I were you.

Oh?

No.

The last 30, 40 years,

I've been pretty much on my own.

I go and come when I please, you know,

In and out of my little One-room apartment,

Quiet dinners at The horn & hardart,

Take in a movie now and then...

And an occasional Burlesque show,

If you'll pardon the expression.

Oh, it's pretty hard

To give up all that good stuff.

Then... Why did you send for me?

Well, because I'm lonely.

Me too.

You too?

Okay. Now what?

I'm a little hungry.

Hungry?

Well, that's no Problem, I, uh...

There's a vending machine Downstairs in the locker room.

Oh, no, I'm just kidding.

Huh? What do you say?

We'll go out, find A nice little spot,

Put on a feed bag, okay?

Okay.

Okay. I'll get your bag.

Oh, uh, there's Just one other thing

I think I ought to mention Before we go any further.

We'll go out and Have a nice dinner.

But after that, I can't Promise any dancing.

Know what I mean?

Okay.

Okay.

After you, miss... Perlita.

Perlita.

Perlita luger.

Everything work out?