Original subtitles

No harris, huh?

No.

He's gonna call in sick.

No way. Too obvious.

He's gonna do something.

Remember last year?

Yeah, but last year was Different circumstances.

Look at him now. He's not writing.

He lost that lawsuit.

He's humble. Humble harris.

Still got his vanity.

Bet?

- what? - five bucks he's in uniform.

Okay.

- all right? - all right.

You're on.

Good morning, folks.

Let's make it 10.

Ah, good morning, harris.

- barn. - morning.

Yeah, really good To see you, harris.

Hey, woj.

You're looking very Handsome this morning.

Ah, you're precious, barney.

Gentlemen, I have the duty Roster here. Please peruse it.

Oh, goody.

Look, harris, I don't want to Do this any more than you do,

But it's something That's got to be done.

Sure.

Okay.

Well, how come we have To walk a beat, though?

I mean, it's bad enough We got to put the bag on.

You realize that 70% of the force

Is gonna be out taking That sergeant's exam today?

That means the rest Of us have to fill in...

You, you, me, even The top brass.

Yeah, but for some Of you, it's fun,

You know, like old-timers' day.

If I remember correctly,

We filled in when you Took the sergeant's exam...

All three times.

Sure, take the cheap shot, barn.

Morning, guys.

- hello, levitt. - sir.

Aren't you supposed to Be at the sergeant exam?

I thought I'd stop by first

To make sure everything Was running smoothly.

It is.

Very good, sir.

Uh, on behalf of Those downstairs,

I'd like to thank you For taking the time

From your important Duties to, uh, direct traffic,

Walk the beat,

Do the other mundane Minutia we face every day.

Our pleasure.

I got, uh, odor-eaters In the locker.

I'll keep that in mind.

Foot hygiene's Very important, sir.

- save it for the test. - yes, sir.

Uh, sir, I just hope I Don't let you down.

It means a lot to me.

Wojo: hey, levitt.

Look, it's only a test.

The worst thing that can happen

Is you fail it And take it again.

Like you.

Levitt.

Levitt... We all wish you luck.

Thank you, sir.

- knock 'em dead, carl. - thank you.

Go get 'em, little levitt.

Thank you, guys.

You know, it's funny to think

That after I take the exam,

I'll have the whole Afternoon off

To relax and enjoy myself

While you're out there Busting your chops.

I could come back, sir.

You're gonna be late, levitt.

Shirt brings out your eyes.

All right, gentlemen, check The duty roster, please.

It's all stuff You've done before.

There shouldn't be any problems.

Have no fear. Shed no tear.

Reinforcements are here.

Harris: how are you, inspector?

Hey, barney.

Frank t. Luger at Your service, sir.

You've been assigned here?

No, no. I requested it, barney.

I figured if I got to Suffer the insults,

The degradation of Putting on this uniform again,

I might as well Be with, you know,

Among people where I can gripe about it.

We appreciate that.

I haven't had on a Uniform in 25 years, barney.

At least if you Got a nice suit on,

You know, it makes you Look more professional,

Like an accountant or Gynecologist or something.

It's only one day A year, inspector.

Yeah, but what's The point, barney?

So some dummkopf cops Can sit down at a desk

And suck on the end of a pencil,

Trying to figure out the answers

To some multiple-choice Questions

About the proper Way to wear a hat.

Inspector, the, uh...

Ah, in my time, barney, You didn't get promoted

On taking some kind of a test

Or being on somebody's list.

It come down to something More important than that,

- like, uh... - who you knew.

Right, barney.

I better see if this Thing still fits, huh?

The old inspector ain't The same man he was in 1957.

Who is?

Dick clark.

Wrong crowd.

Wojo: mm-hmm.

Okay, we got it.

Barn, got a Disturbance in a shop

Over in delancey street.

Uh, you and dietrich.

This ought to be fun.

Want to bet the 10 you owe me?

New york's finest.

Huh? What do you think, barn?

Looks good.

Yeah, not too bad, huh?

Not at all.

At least I didn't Blow up like a zeppelin

Like, you know, Some cops I know.

This reminds me, barney,

Of the first time I Ever put a uniform on.

Yeah?

Me and old brownie, you know?

Brownie, he says to me,

"Hey, you look like don ameche."

Oh, yeah?

He was kidding, barn.

I didn't have a mustache.

No, he was always pulling Fun stuff like that, barney.

He'd tie your shoelaces Together, you know?

You go to take a step.

He'd call up your grandmother And tell her you were dead.

Those were swell times, barn.

I can imagine.

Yeah, well, a uniform,

That's something, barney, too.

You know, your average Degenerate criminal,

He was scared of the nypd.

He knew we meant business. We were rough and tough.

- tea, anyone? - huh?

I'll get it.

12th precinct. Captain Miller speaking.

Yeah, go ahead.

All right. We'll have Someone down there.

Right.

Harris, assault in progress, Washington square park.

You and inspector luger.

Thank you.

Let's go, inspector.

How about your tea, har?

Oh, I'll just, um, I'll Chew a bag in the car.

Hey, inspector.

Not now. Not now, Woj. I'm on a call.

What do we got here?

Uh, this is benjamin Diamond, ben's butcher shop.

30 years, same location.

Mr. Diamond was Being interviewed

By "Spotlight on new york"...

You know, that channel 27 investigative show...

When the reporter said Something that got him mad.

That's right.

He started whacking Him with a salami,

And he threw a rib Roast at the cameraman.

He promised me it was Gonna be good publicity.

You know, a friendly Interview, a few questions.

You know, sawdust, high Prices, how did I like marty?

Then he laces into me.

I felt like a lamb Being led to slaughter.

Ironic, huh?

I'm standing there Dressing a chicken.

All of a sudden, he Whips out some papers

And starts throwing Accusations at me,

Saying that my meat... My meat! Was not kosher.

It's not?

See, it's spreading already.

The reporter had Evidence that mr. Diamond

Had purchased some Non-kosher meat

From a wholesaler in jersey.

Who knew? They told Me they had a rabbi.

Okay, take it easy.

Then he turns in to the camera, And he calls me a charlatan.

Didn't even give me a Chance to defend myself.

At least they do that On "60 minutes," no?

Look, for a religious Jew, this is a calamity.

You know, a kosher butcher's Reputation is based on trust.

Tell that to sergeant dietrich.

He's gonna take your Statement. Dietrich?

Ah, mr. Diamond, park Your carcass over there.

Reporter's gonna come Down and file charges later.

Don't get too comfortable. You got to walk a beat.

No, I just got back.

Well, you're going out again.

Well, just think of it as A nice two-hour stroll

In the fresh air Along the river.

The river?

Yeah, you got the river beat.

Well, now, there's crime Down there, too, you know.

People fishing off the piers.

It's against the law.

Got to give them Tickets for that.

Remember how to give a ticket?

Hey, maybe you'll get lucky.

Somebody will fall in.

You're really enjoying This, aren't you?

Get in there, vermin.

You know, it's scum like You that stinks up the world.

Yes, sir. Thank You very much, sir.

Is he always like this?

Barney: what have we got here?

Don't waste your time With this slimeball, barney.

I'll get it all in His statement.

Uh, barn, this is, Uh, warren shippel.

When we got to the park,

We got a description From, uh, a martha forbush.

She's the woman that Owned this pocketbook.

Barney, she's 82.

Hey, I couldn't tell that. She was wearing a hat.

Anyway, when we got to The park, we drove around,

And we spotted him trying To run over toward 6th avenue.

That's when we gave chase, And, uh, we... We got him.

That's it?

It was a walk in The park, barney.

Hey, get over here, you.

Almost like old times, barney,

As if forrester and kleiner Was here with me, you know?

Who told you to sit down, huh?

Empty your pockets out here.

- you didn't say "Simon says." - huh?

Just trying to lighten Things up a little bit, that's all.

Uh, barn, um, as soon As luger's finished,

I think I'll just run shippel on Over to manhattan south, okay?

Let luger do it. Keep him busy.

I was thinking, barn, It might be a good idea

To just leave the Inspector here,

Keep him from Wearing himself out.

He looked fine to me.

Oh, he's fit. He's Fit as a fiddle.

Problem?

Shippel did not Have the pocketbook

When we, uh, found him, barn.

He had tossed it away and didn't Want to tell us where it was.

How'd you get it?

Luger. What did he do?

Barn, he slapped that Man around a little.

Oh, my god.

Of course, he read Him his rights first.

- how thoughtful. - yeah.

But when he got to the part

"You have the right to remain Silent," he pointed his gun

And threatened to Make the man a eunuch.

Now, that is not allowed, is it?

That's when he told you Where the pocketbook was?

Yes, barn, but it was Very embarrassing.

I mean, the guy had Tossed it into a garbage bin,

And luger made Him go in after it.

Threatening to profer Charges against luger?

He's offering to, um, Paint luger's apartment.

Okay, look, the wisest thing For us to do is just be cool

And don't make a Big deal out of it.

Right.

Barn, I-I just...

I just felt that it was my Obligation to let you know.

Well, I appreciate It. Thank you.

Of course, now It's your headache,

And I'm not going to Worry about it anymore.

In the cage, maggot.

Whatever you say, sir.

Hey, woj.

Inspector.

How was your patrol?

I gave a warning to a fisherman.

You sent him up the river, huh?

You know something? You look great.

Thanks, inspector.

No, no, I ain't just saying it.

You know, seeing all You guys in uniform,

It does something to me.

Us too.

Oh, you're naughty, har.

Excuse me, inspector.

You know, I think

I may just start wearing These duds every day.

And throw out all Those nice suits?

Inspector?

12th precinct. Luger.

Just a second, barney, Will you? I'm taking a call.

Bye.

- barn? - hmm.

Traffic light out on Madison. Cars are backing up.

They got a couple Of accidents already.

They got to have Someone there to direct.

Harris.

That's... That's... That's On publisher's row, barn.

Why don't you... Why don't you send...

I just got back from fish duty.

But... What if I see Somebody I know?

Say hello.

Hmm.

I got you.

Hey, barney, break Out the weapons, huh?

We got a robbery in Progress over on bleecker.

Um, wojo, you and Me, uh... Hey, I'm here.

So am I.

Um...

Harris, do me a favor. Drop Off shippel on the way down.

- right. - bless you.

I'll see you downstairs.

Hey, barney, why can't I go?

Inspector, don't be greedy. We all want a chance.

What am I supposed to do?

Hold the fort, inspector.

Listen, for what it's Worth, I believe you.

I don't think you knew The meat wasn't kosher.

- oh... Oh, thank you. - it's all right.

Thank you very much.

Say!

Yeah.

Why don't you stop by my shop?

I just got in some Delicious rib steaks.

Top quality, prime cut.

I don't eat steak.

Oh?

It's too high in cholesterol,

Sodium, too much fat.

You eat too much of that stuff,

It increases your Blood pressure.

Not good for the heart.

You sell hot dogs?

Captain miller, how did it go?

Oh, no problem.

Wojo's running the guy Down to manhattan south.

Congratulations.

So you didn't need the old Inspector after all, huh?

Inspector, at the moment,

It just seemed Best for me to go.

Why?

My office?

If you're not too busy.

I'll hold the fort.

So...

You didn't think I could Cut it, huh, barney?

Well, to tell you the truth, I was a little concerned.

Why? You saw how I Handled that punk.

That's what I was Concerned about.

I got the pocketbook Back, didn't I?

The question is, how Did you get it back?

Just a little Friendly persuasion.

Exactly.

When I was at the 9-3 over in brooklyn,

We used to lean on them Lousy little punks all the time.

That was 1947, inspector.

So?

Excuse me for staying alive.

Oh, man, I am never Gonna direct traffic again.

I've never been so Humiliated in my life.

What did you do, Swallow your whistle?

I stood there for hours

With bus exhaust Belching in my face,

Horns honking, people screaming,

Cabbies trying to run me over.

Give out any tickets?

No.

Writer's block, huh?

Look, man, is barney back?

He's in there with luger.

Oh.

What's the story With them, anyway?

Uh, you, uh, want it in writing?

Yes, sir. Can I help you?

Harv jetter, "Spotlight on new york."

Investigative reporter, right?

That's right.

What's with barney and luger?

What's that?

Forget it.

There you are, you butcher.

Not much longer, thanks to you.

Yeah? You see this? You see what you did?

You tricked me!

I do that to everybody. Don't you watch the show?

No.

Well, if you want to be on It, you have to cooperate.

You don't see people Attacking geraldo rivera.

Who?

Is he kidding?

I got the purse back, didn't I?

That is not the point.

It was to the little old Lady with the mustache

Who got robbed.

You should have seen Her, barn. Pathetic, barney.

Tore my heart out. Hobbling along with a cane.

Her bingo money Was in the purse.

Inspector, you violated That man's civil rights!

Ah, don't give me That legalese bunk.

It is not bunk, damn it!

It's the law!

And we, of all people, Have to uphold it.

No matter what your Personal opinion happens to be.

Yeah, so, how would you have Handled that little punk, huh?

Would you have said to Him, "Please, sir, mr. Shippel,

Will you tell me where The purse is, pretty please?"

Barney...

Barney, I got a lot Of respect for you,

But I got to tell you something.

It's bleeding hearts Like you, barney,

That cause all these Problems in the first place.

I'm soft. Is that What you think?

It's just that I Think a real cop

Doesn't always have To go by the book.

Oh, I'll go along With you there.

Oh, will you?

If I went by the book,

I'd have you up in front Of internal affairs.

Uh, barney, the guy From channel 27 is here.

You want to talk to him Before he signs a complaint?

Yeah.

Captain miller, This is mr. Jetter.

Mr. Jetter.

You're pressing assault Charges against mr. Diamond?

You bet I am.

You see this? Take a look at this.

If it wasn't for the Wonders of modern makeup,

I wouldn't be able to go before Cameras for about three weeks.

Captain, my face is my life.

Have a seat, mr. Jetter.

I can, uh, appreciate Your situation,

But it occurs to me that You really have to assume

Some of the responsibility For mr. Diamond's actions.

After all, you did mislead him.

That's my job.

You can't put that show On the air. It'll ruin me.

I have an obligation To my public, buster.

Hey, I am the public.

Not from where I sit, you're not.

Look, I treated You like a friend.

I took you into my heart.

I even showed you how I made chopped liver.

You hurt me, harv.

It's nothing personal.

Just out of curiosity, Mr. Jetter, um...

How'd you get the story?

Well, we got a tip.

Somebody called and gave us a List of butchers with the meat.

So you just picked mr. Diamond?

Well, he was in The neighborhood.

Did you check with the Wholesaler who sold the meat?

They wouldn't talk to me. They wouldn't talk to me.

I mean, this isn't A network show

With a big budget and a Big crew and team jackets.

I got an old beat-up Van, one used camera,

And a crew that consists Of one nyu film student.

We drove up to the Company. They laughed at us.

That's hardly justification For persecuting an innocent man.

What makes you Think he's innocent?

What makes you think he's not?

If that show goes on the air,

He'll never have a Chance to defend himself.

I'll bet "20/20" would Love to hear a story

About how channel 27 Ruined a little butcher's life.

You wouldn't do that.

Hey, I got an Obligation to my public.

I got a résumé over there.

Well, I'm sure mr. Diamond

Would be glad to give You a personal reference.

You guys!

Why don't we just Forget the whole thing?

Gentlemen, I bid you good day.

Hey, thanks for tuning in.

Real funny.

All right, mr. Diamond.

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

- thank you. Captain? - hmm.

Captain, captain?

- captain, thank you. - a pleasure, mr. Diamond.

Listen, listen, if you Fellas ever need any chops

Or corned beef or chicken, You come to my place.

It's on the house.

Hey, thanks, but cops aren't Allowed to accept gratuities.

It's not kosher.

You are a mensch.

Oh, inspector?

Yeah, barn?

You, uh... Heading out?

Yeah.

I figure I wreaked enough Havoc around here for one day,

So I thought I'd just wander on Home back to my little apartment

And, uh, reflect.

Inspector, look, I, uh...

Hey, listen. Come on. Don't Worry about that, barney.

It's...

And the next time you see the Old inspector in this uniform,

They'll be planting Him six feet deep, huh?

So, uh, try and cough Up a few kind words, huh?

Hang in there, d.D.

- see you, inspector. - see you around, barn.

Shift's not over yet, inspector.

Huh?

I thought you'd be Glad to get rid of me.

Look, I, uh...

I know in the heat of The moment back there,

We said some things which Were not exactly pleasant.

I just... I just want You to know that...

If I came down Hard on you, it's...

It's only because I guess We come down the hardest

On people we care The most about.

Thanks, barn.

Me too.

Now can I go?

Yeah, sure.

Huh?

Eh, I told you you Were an old softie.

Got'cha.