Original subtitles

- good morning, captain. - good morning.

"Martinique." "Barbados."

What, are you gonna Take a long lunch?

As a matter of fact, I Found this in my jacket

As I came in this morning.

It's liz's way of Dropping a hint.

Subtle.

So why don't you go?

Well, aside from the fact

That these little island hops

Cost a small fortune,

We're short handed again,

Case load backups, paperwork.

I can't dump this Stuff on you guys.

Hey, things went pretty Smooth while you were in jail.

Thank you.

You want to step right Inside here, please?

All right, all Right. Fine. Fine.

I mean, if they all want to Die, that's no skin off my nose.

Oh, go on.

What do we have here?

Uh, barn, this is Mr. Lawrence pryne.

We picked him up at Siegels department store.

He was hurling omelets Into a crowd of shoppers.

Omelets? Why?

Eggs, butter, sausages.

I mean, I could almost Hear arteries harden,

Limbs growing numb, People gasping for breath

As they slump to The floor, helpless.

See, barn, brian is A cpr instructor...

Cardiopulmonary resuscitation.

I'm familiar with the phrase.

Well, I'm glad somebody is.

I mean, I am sitting there

In my little booth, all alone,

Hoping to teach people a Procedure for saving lives.

But all they care About is free food.

Barn, apparently the Crowd ignored mr. Pryne,

Opting to attend a no-stick Cookware demonstration

A few aisles over.

Yeah, so he attacked it.

He started throwing eggs And cheese all over the place.

I just wanted to Get their attention.

Well, to let them know I care.

That's very admirable Of you, mr. Pryne,

But I'm afraid we're gonna Have to book you anyway.

Harris.

Come on, barney. Have a heart.

Lawrence, do you Want to pick a seat

Right over here, please?

So, what do you want Me to do with her?

Get her statement.

She didn't throw anything.

Barney, we got a Jumper on mcdougal.

Oh, wonderful. Um, you and wojo.

Here you go.

Keep you company.

Thank you.

You two would look Great together on a beach.

- get out of here. - just keeping it alive.

Don't you see, sergeant?

Every day in the papers

You read about Somebody collapsing

In a restaurant or On a subway platform

And dying needlessly

Only because nobody stopped

And took the time to learn cpr.

Uh-huh.

And it is a very Simple technique.

I mean, we could Teach you in no time.

Oh?

Sure. I mean, I'll just lie her Down on the floor for you...

Position you properly Over her body,

Show you the correct Placement of your hands,

And how to open her...

Shouldn't I take Her to dinner first?

Sorry.

Mail call.

Sergeant harris. Sergeant harris.

Nothing for you, dear.

Sir, assorted Interdepartmental memoranda

And your hickory farms catalog.

Actually, it was Addressed to "Occupant."

I just thought you might Enjoy flipping through it

During your leisure time.

Thank you, levitt.

I like the cheese Kisses on page 10.

I'll bear that in mind.

Anything else?

Apparently not, sir.

Oh.

"Oh," sir?

I suppose you want to know What's going on with your medal.

The one of valor, sir?

All the paperwork is done.

The only thing holding It up are witnesses.

Witnesses?

We need affidavits From witnesses,

And none of them have Been too cooperative so far.

But they were all applauding.

It was a month ago. People tend to forget.

Someone even gave me a dollar.

Levitt, I'm doing The best I can.

As soon as some of those People come through,

I will take that Downtown myself.

I appreciate that, sir.

As long as we're Talking about me,

What's with plain clothes?

Levitt!

It's worth a shot.

Through here, mr. Mercurio.

Oh, thank god.

You all right?

I'm not sure. Let Me catch my breath.

Is this our jumper?

Yeah, this is... Henry mercurio.

Mr. Mercurio, I'm captain miller.

You got a glass of water?

Dietrich: I got it.

He's kind of pooped.

I noticed.

When we got there, he Was standing on a ledge

On the third floor.

The elevator was Out. Best I could do.

He told us he sincerely Wanted to jump,

But he was afraid he wasn't High enough to do himself in.

I figured I'd crack Three ribs, tops.

We promised to him If he'd step inside,

We'd help him up to the roof.

Hey, I'm quick.

Captain, I know you Only want to help.

I'm sorry if I've Caused you trouble.

It's all right, mr. Mercurio.

If you don't mind, I'll go now.

Oh, no, no.

I-I promised joseph I'd be Dead before the banks close.

Who's joseph?

His cousin.

He won the chess game.

What chess game?

The game we played to See who'd get the money.

What money?

The money from the tontine.

Tontine?

All right.

Tontine is basically An archaic form

Of life insurance.

A group of subscribers,

Who are usually From the same family,

Pool their money And buys equal shares.

Then the years pass by, People start dying off,

And finally the last Remaining survivor

Collects the entire pot.

Really?

Well, that's what dietrich said.

You want to start one?

Don't make jokes. It's tradition.

I take it you and your Cousin are the last survivors?

For the time being.

Mr. Mercurio,

You can't go around solving Your financial problems

By throwing your life away.

Really?

Look, captain, do you See a young man here?

I'm 66.

I don't feel so good, and Joey don't feel so good.

We figured better one Of us should get the 3,000

While he has a Chance to enjoy it.

Mr. Mercurio, suicide is Not an acceptable solution,

Not to mention the fact it Happens to be against the law.

Oh.

Does that mean I can't leave?

For what?

But I have an obligation.

So do we.

Dietrich, see if you Can find his cousin.

I can do that.

Anybody else?

They're all dead.

Good point.

Yes? Can I help you?

Don't you people Have an elevator?

You must be his cousin.

Henry!

Joey!

So, what happened? You're not dead.

I'm sorry. They pulled me in.

Oh, just like that, huh?

Oh, come on. I feel bad enough.

Look, I'm not mad.

You'll try again.

It's not easy. Sure, it is.

Remember when you were little

And you wanted To ride a bicycle?

Well, you got on, you fell Off, you got on, you fell off.

This is just like That, only higher.

Excuse me. I'm captain miller.

Mister... Joseph Spidonie. A pleasure.

I assume you know why Your cousin was brought in.

Oh, sure, yeah. He Wanted to kill himself.

And you would Just let him do it?

Captain, I love this Man like a brother.

I would never stand in his way.

This is preposterous!

But mr. Sharp says that's The way it's got to be.

Who's mr. Sharp?

The lawyer who Handles the tontine.

We met him at uncle Dominic's funeral.

Dominic was in this, Too. God rest his soul.

Anyway, mr. Sharp came Over to us after the party

And gave us his card... Here...

And said that one of us Should get in touch with him

After the next funeral,

Because whoever's left

Would be the Beneficiary of the tontine.

It was very exciting.

Yes, we had coffee

And thought about some Of the things henry or I

Would be able to Buy with the money,

Like an electric Blanket, a heavy sweater.

Maybe even a week in miami.

Yeah, you can never be too warm.

I-I sympathize with Your problem, but...

Well... Oh. Then Henry can go now?

No!

Dietrich, get on the phone. Get this sharp guy down here.

I'm not dead yet!

Look, mr. Mercurio, forget it!

Uh, barn, it's liz, line 2.

Oh, wonderful.

Uh, he said, "Wonderful."

Look, captain, you Don't understand.

Look, mr. Spidonie...

Right this way, folks.

This is exciting.

Have a seat, ma'am.

What a dump.

You said there'd Be entertainment.

Sir, this is mr. Marken, Mr. Roselle,

And this is mrs. Edna sligman.

I've lost weight.

Levitt, who are these people?

Witnesses, sir. Just My way of pitching in.

Uh, barn, you want me to Tell liz you'll call her back?

Is this for anybody?

Hey! Now, you leave her alone.

You touch her again, And I'll cut your heart out.

Keep it down, mr. Pryne.

Well, you tell the scum To keep his hands off her!

Take it easy, will you? Nobody's gonna hurt your dummy!

She's not a dummy!

She's just a little Quiet around strangers.

Oh! Now she looks sad.

See that? She's hysterical!

Can't you see she needs me?! Oh!

Vicki, vicki, it's all right.

I'm... I'm right Here... Right over...

Will you bring me my vicki?!

I want my vicki!

There's entertainment.

Yeah, liz, I'm...

I'm sure there's a "Bahamas on a budget" plan,

But I just don't have Time to talk about it now.

I'm not trying to put you off.

Sir, if you need me, I'll be downstairs.

You're not going anywhere.

No, no, no! Not you.

Liz, please, can I call you back?

I promise.

Right. Okay.

Little woman getting On your nerves, sir?

Levitt, what do you mean

By bringing people down Here without telling me?

It seemed like a slow day.

Of course, I'm not Up here that much.

Levitt!

I can take a hint. I'll Just send them on home.

Good.

After all, I only Retrieved a small boy

From a dangling scaffold.

Levitt...

A young lad, whose life was Not cut off at the age of 10,

Who can now grow Up to be a doctor

Or president

Or even police Captain, just like you.

Yes, you're right.

I know I got us into This, but I promise,

I will make it up to you.

Yeah. Yes, I know this is An icky, sticky, stinky place,

But as soon as we get home,

I will run a tub,

And then we can have a Nice hot bath together, okay?

What?

Yeah, I know it's my turn to Take the end with the faucet.

She seems very nice.

She is.

Goes out anywhere?

- we helped ourselves. - fine.

I'm taking some Of your sweet'n low.

My sister's diabetic.

I'd like to thank you all For coming down here,

Especially in the middle Of the day like this.

Oh, I'm unemployed.

But I used to Work... In a gift shop.

We sold stuff like soap carvings

And driftwood spice racks

And gary coleman posters and...

You know, he's back now?

Thank you for sharing that.

Why don't we all Step into my office?

I'll get you out of Here as soon as possible.

Can I bring this?

Why not?

Sir, you think those Three are sufficient?

More than enough.

I trust everyone is comfortable.

No. I've got this pin in my hip.

Why don't we start With you, mrs. Sligman?

That'll be fine.

Okay.

Are you taping this?

Of course not.

What I mean is, if I Say anything wrong,

Can it be used against Me at some future date?

Mrs. Sligman, all We want you to do

Is describe what you Saw officer levitt do

On the day in question In your own words.

All right?

Mrs. Sligman.

I was on my way home From the doctor's

When I saw these kids Playing in that new building

That's going up Across the street.

Okay.

What is it with Parents these days?

They leave their kids Run around all afternoon

By themselves Without any supervision.

They were barely 10 years old.

Mrs. Sligman... I Raised a son, captain,

And I was careful To be loving but firm.

In 42 years,

I never had one ounce Of trouble with that boy.

He still lives with me.

Really?

So, you headed for The tropics, captain?

What?

I found this on your desk.

Mr. Marken...

Of course, to really Do the islands right,

You need about two weeks.

And two weeks is All the time we need

To rid your house of those Ugly, embarrassing, nasty roaches,

Which can make your Life such a living hell.

I'm an exterminator.

We don't have Roaches, mr. Marken.

Sure, you don't.

Look, can we get On with this, please?!

So, your kid gay or what?

Yes, sir?

Horace sharp.

Bergen, lash, morris, and young.

Oh, yeah. I got All their albums.

Excuse me.

Hello, mr. Sharp.

Oh, mr. Spidonie, mr. Mercurio.

What seems to be the problem?

I lost chess game.

Well, holy moly.

Yes?

The attorney's here.

Oh, thank god. Excuse me.

Can I sit in your chair?

Mr. Sharp, I'm captain miller.

Horace sharp. I'm A very busy man.

Yeah, well, mr. Sharp, According to these gentlemen,

Your firm represents Their family's tontine?

Mm-hmm.

You see, in 1933, their Great-uncle carmine

Entrusted it to one Of our founders.

It passed through several Partners over the years

Until 1978, when somebody Dumped it on my desk.

Yeah, well, I think You should be aware

That mr. Mercurio over here

Tried to commit Suicide this morning

So his cousin Could get the money.

You must be quite fond of him.

I am.

That's nice.

Of course, captain, my Firm could not possibly

Be held culpable For such an action.

However, that would tidy Things up rather nicely.

That settles that.

Captain, I'm glad to Have been of service.

Well, hold on there A minute, mr. Sharp.

You don't think you're gonna walk Out of here as if nothing happened.

- sharp: yes. - huh?

Captain, I'm merely preserving

The conditions of the tontine,

Which are, I should point out,

Quite inflexible.

Look, why don't you Just have them split it?

Because they can't.

Why not?

Because I said so.

Actually, that would Constitute a breach of contract

And defeat the Purpose of the tontine,

To say nothing of making A rather nasty blotch

On my record.

Oh, well, now, we can't Have that now, can we?

No, and we shan't have That now, shall we?

Barn.

Mr. Sharp, look.

For the sake of all concerned,

I think we better Start working on

Some suitable compromise.

Captain, there is no compromise.

Then let's find one,

Because I'm not about To turn this man loose

Just so he can Jump off a building

So that his cousin here can Buy a couple of lousy sweaters

And an electric blanket.

Oh, that's precious.

700,000, and all he wants is a Romp through woolworth's.

Huh?

Wait a minute. That's On our tontine?

We only put in 200 bucks Apiece, didn't we, joey?

Right.

Well, we didn't just sew up The money in a mattress, fellas.

You didn't?

In fact, we invested It rather shrewdly...

Real estate, oil, of course.

We bought in on the ground Floor of boeing and ibm,

A linen service.

Hey, now you're Talking real money.

You bet your boots.

You hear that, Joey? You're rich.

- swell. - barney!

Captain!

Dietrich, get an ambulance.

Wojo, let's lay him Down over here.

What's happening?

Hey, let me out!

I don't think he's Breathing, barney.

Come on! Let me out! He's having a heart attack!

Yeah, let him out.

- the guy's crazy. - so?

Just give me some room.

Please don't die, Joey. It's not fair.

Well... Looks like We have a winner.

What do you think?

He seems to be doing okay.

You know, you're actually Very lucky you had him here.

- harris? - hmm?

Where the hell have you been?

Do you realize that In this entire precinct,

There is not one tea bag?

Well, captain, I suppose there's Nothing else I can do here,

So I guess I'll Just be on my way.

What about the Tontine, mr. Sharp?

Didn't we go through this?

There has got to be something You can do for these people.

I mean, give them part Of it or an allowance.

Why don't you let one of Them back out of the damn thing

So the other one Can take care of him?

Captain, please.

It is not my place to corrupt The integrity of the tontine,

Nor disregard the Wishes of an entire family.

This is the entire family.

That's true.

Well, I suppose I could take The matter under advisement.

Thank you. I would Appreciate that.

- goodbye, captain. - goodbye.

Gentlemen, I'll be in touch.

Why?

We're not going Anywhere. Are we, joey?

I ain't got no plans.

Again, adieu.

Okey dokey, mr. Spidonie. We're gonna get going now.

Can henry come with me?

Captain?

Hey, I'll take him down.

I got to go to bellevue, anyway.

Okay.

Thank you, captain. You're very kind.

You take care of Yourself now, mr. Mercurio.

Yes, sir.

Okay, mr. Mercurio, let's go.

Thank you.

Oh, more stairs.

Did you see me?

I mean, did... Did You see what I did?

What do you mean, it was boring?

Oh, sure.

Well, you get it all the time.

Uh, barn,

I'm gonna run steve and Eydie over to manhattan south.

Mr. Pryne...

You're gonna go with Sergeant harris now.

I want you to know we really Appreciate everything you did.

Oh, sure. It was our pleasure.

Uh, larry, let's go.

Come on, sweetie.

Oh, vicki can go too, huh?

Oh, certainly.

Uh, we'll see to it that You two can bunk together.

Oh, thanks. We appreciate that.

Sure.

Oh, can... Can we Get a private cell?

Oh, I don't think that's Gonna be any problem.

Uh, barney, your Wife's on line 2.

I'll take it in my office.

If you don't need me, I'm gonna go home, okay?

Yeah, sure. Good night now.

Good night.

You and liz decide where you're Gonna go on your vacation?

That's probably what That call is about.

You might think about The bermuda triangle.

One can really Lose oneself there.

Hello, captain.

I'm afraid we had a little Accident with your chair.

All it needs is a couple Of screws, I swear to god.

Excuse me.

Hello, liz.

Anywhere.