Original subtitles

Hey, little levitt, where, um...

Where are we putting these?

I take it that's your gift Of love for a needy child.

Uh-huh.

I guess you can put it Over there next to mine.

Oh.

So, uh, what exactly Did you select

For your lucky wretched urchin?

It's just a little something That caught my eye.

Oh?

Well, it's, uh...

It's a set of hand-painted Miniatures imported from germany

Depicting the march Of the wooden soldiers.

Oh, of course.

Well, look, I Mean, it's just that,

You know, when I saw It all laid out there

In the store window with The litle gingerbread houses

The castle and forest,

And just row after row of these

Finely detailed Dragoons and fusiliers, I...

Well, I just thought That some poor kid might

Really treasure that old Bavarian craftsmanship

For a lifetime.

So, uh... What's in here?

Same thing.

All right. Come on. Come on.

Just a little further. Here we go. Right over here.

Come on.

All right.

I think I can let go Of your arm now.

Anytime you're ready.

Dietrich: come on, bruno. You know the way.

Come on! You got nothing on me.

There's no law that says a Man can't protect his store.

That's what you said The last time I busted you.

Well, excuse me For being boring.

Merry christmas, bruno.

What's the matter, miller, huh?

You can't let a year go by Without dragging me in here?

Apparently not.

Wojo: uh, barn?

Barn, I want you To meet ed pratken.

- mr. Pratken. - hi, barn.

Uh, according to bruno,

When he opened up his Business this morning,

He found edward in the Middle of the campsite display

With a sleeping Bag under his arm.

I was putting it back.

- you were ripping me off! - bruno!

Take it easy. What's Bruno being arrested for?

Same old stuff...

Criminal possession Of a dangerous weapon

And assault with Intent to barbecue.

Well, see, when we got there,

He had edward on the Ground, squirming around.

He was poking him In the ribs with this.

It's a cattle prod.

I felt like I was Hit by lightning.

Come on. A couple of Hundred lousy volts.

My pigeons shrug that off.

Dietrich, take his statement.

This way, birdbrain.

Zzz!

I-I wasn't trying to Steal anything, honest.

What were you doing?

- sleeping. - hmm?

I'm usually up and out by 7:30,

But I guess I forgot To set my alarm.

You telling me you've Been living in my store?

Only at night.

He can't do that... Right?

Not anymore.

Uh, barn?

There's a disturbance in an Office building over on houston.

Uh, you and levitt.

Okay.

Come on, little Bit. We got a call.

Thank you.

Hey, carl, what should I do with my present?

Just stick it next To the box of nazis.

Oh!

You know, I really Appreciate you guys

Busting me like this On christmas eve.

It's gonna louse Up my whole day.

What were you gonna Do, zap some carolers?

Why not?

I mean, if this night is Supposed to be so silent,

What are they out There singing for?

I don't know.

Paulette, what I was thinking is,

The way the snow's coming Down and everything,

It would just be a lot cozier To have dinner at my place.

Yeah. Okay. Good.

Look, I, uh, I got to go.

Talk to you later.

Bye.

So... You got a Place to live, huh?

Yeah, I do.

You're lucky.

Yeah, you know, edward, It's none of my business,

But it seems to me that...

You'd save yourself A lot of trouble

If you checked into a Mission or a flophouse

Or slept on the subways.

Oh, but that's Where the bums live.

I-I'm not a bum.

I mean, I got a job...

And I don't drink.

I like to read.

Really?

Yeah. I-I even had My own little place...

It was cozy... Until They kicked me out.

Who?

I guess the people That bought the building.

They kicked everybody out.

Okay, mr. Kellog, you Want to step in here, please?

Why not? I'm a has-been.

Where else am I gonna go?

The love boat?

What?

Sir, this is joseph kellog.

We picked him up at the loving Touch greeting-card company,

Running amok at their Annual christmas party.

I was upset.

By the time we got there,

Mr. Kellog was in the Process of decking the halls

With a barrage of deviled Eggs, while, at the same time,

Submerging kris kringle's head

In a punch bowl of Highly spirited grog.

Actually, I had had a Glass or two myself.

Overdoing the holidays A bit, mr. Kellog?

No.

They fired me.

I mean, I was standing in line

Waiting for santa to give Me my christmas bonus,

And the fat slob handed Me a sympathy card

With a pink slip in it.

Santa did that?

Well, you see, barn,

Mr. Kellog writes those Little poetic messages

In greeting cards.

Oh, you do?

They don't get there By themselves, pal.

I mean, I spent 25 years In that dusty cubicle,

Alone at my desk,

Composing lyrical verses And beautiful rhymes,

Like "May the new year Ring in joy and cheer."

"To a wonderful wife who's Brought happiness to my life."

"Have a nice day."

I wrote that!

So, you're the one?

Have a seat.

Go. Right over here.

Yeah?

Barn, I finished Processing pratken.

I checked him for Priors. He's clean.

And I don't think he was Trying to steal anything.

Oh?

See, I called the diner where He works as a dishwasher.

He's got a job?

He's not a bum, barn.

Sorry.

His boss said

That he may be a few Bricks short of a full load,

But that he's honest and He's a hardworking person.

Okay.

But pratken tells me that Him and about 50 other people

Got thrown out of this Little 25-a-week hotel

That was their home,

And now they're all Out on the street.

They can't find anyplace They can afford to live.

Put your finger there.

So if you stop and Think about it, barn,

It's all these marginal people,

You know, out on the street,

Just trying to survive,

Sleeping in Doorways, trash bins.

Wojo... Who did you call?

The guy from the...

From the human Resources administration.

Okay, good.

Don't play games with me, barn.

Eddie!

Dietrich: yes? Can I help you?

Where's our eddie?

- who? - eddie pratken.

You guys busted Him this morning.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Are You his parents?

- sam! - eddie!

Linda. I'm... I'm in jail.

Don't worry. We Are getting you out.

- you think so? - oh, sure!

Hey, goofy, what's With the rejects?

Toilet back up?

Hey, we weren't talking to you.

Take a hike, scuzzo.

Watch your mouth, you scum.

Hey, everybody. What the hell?

I'm in here, and They're out there.

Knock it off, Bruno. Knock it off.

What seems to be the problem?

This is sam and linda. They were my neighbors.

Sir, suddenly we seem to have

A rather ugly situation Brewing downstairs.

A crowd of no less than 25 pathetic-looking people

Have converged upon our precinct

Protesting the Incarceration of mr. Pratken.

You arrest our eddie Because he hasn't got a home.

You arrest us all because We haven't got a home.

It wasn't my idea.

Look, kogan, just try and keep Things calm down there, okay?

Barn, people are starting To pile up down there.

Oh, great.

Yeah, there's got to Be, what, 60 of them?

At least.

I was talking to This pregnant woman.

Word on the street is we're Giving free room and board.

What?

Rumors... Try and stop them.

- look, mister... - belinkoff.

Belinkoff.

I don't know what You and your friends

Are trying to accomplish By disrupting this precinct.

We are trying to make a point.

We are human beings, captain,

Not some pile of old clothes To be thrown in the dustbin

Just because the Styles have changed.

Very well put.

I was a tailor.

He fixed these pants.

We appreciate your problem.

We've got somebody coming Down from the city, right?

He said he was.

We will do everything we can

To try and resolve The situation,

See that everybody gets a place.

We'll see.

I would appreciate it if you Would come downstairs with me

And see if we can get a handle On what's going on down there.

Après vous, captain.

- dietrich, you want To see if miss, uh... - linda.

Linda wants a cup of Coffee or something?

Dietrich: sure.

How do you take it?

Just give me the sugar.

All right.

Here we come with All the goodies.

Here you go, barn.

Where'd you get those?

Vending machine downstairs.

It's a good thing you Had all those quarters.

Well, we'll talk About that later.

It's a party.

Uh, yes?

There's no more room Downstairs, so we came up here.

Oh, um... Barney, Company's here.

Uh, sorry.

You want to just make yourselves At home over there, please?

You can, uh, you can Sit here with me, dear.

I don't want to.

Oh.

I'm looking for my Husband, bruno bender.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Everyone says that.

Hey, naomi.

Oh, bruno.

Why aren't you Watching the store?

Oh.

Well, when I heard You were in jail,

I just decided to close.

You what?!

Can I help you?

I'm howard weckler, new york Human resources administration.

Oh, you're just a Bunch of do-nothings.

We've talked, right?

I take it you're here in regard To all of the lonely people.

I guess so.

Sir, city's here... A mr. Weckler.

Oh, how do you do? I'm captain miller.

This is sergeant wojciehowicz.

Yes, I think I spoke To one of you.

What seems to be the problem?

In case you haven't Noticed, mr. Weckler,

There are about 100 people

Wandering around the station House who have no place to live.

Is that all?

Captain, at last Count, our department

Puts the number of Homeless in this city at 50,000.

50,000?

You telling me that there's A whole army of these bozos

- roaming around out there? - yes.

And you ain't doing Nothing about it?

Well, w-w-we are making Every effort, and...

Why am I talking to you?

Because I happen to Be a taxpayer, sport.

Bruno, please, your heart.

Hey, I'm talking here!

Sheesh!

You know, I-I could Have left at noon.

My office.

Sheesh!

- excuse me, mrs. Bender. - yes?

If you want to take care Of your husband's bail,

Just go downstairs And see sergeant kogan.

Oh, thank you.

Be right back, bruno.

Take your time. I'm having fun.

Yes? Can I help you?

Arthur minch,

Loving touch Greeting cards, inc.,

Wishing for a most Joyous holiday season

To you and yours.

Why, thank you. Guy You canned is in the cage.

Oh, good.

Hello, kellog.

Minch.

I should have known.

Pink slip in a sympathy card.

That's just your style.

Come here, you sick, Too-pathetic pile of dogmeat!

Yah!

What is the problem, kellog?

Wasn't santa good to you?

What, with rampant unemployment,

The city clamping Down on welfare,

Psychiatric hospitals All of a sudden

Going nuts over who's Crazy enough to get in...

These factors only serve To aggravate our problem

And dump even more of these People out on the street.

What's that got to do with Mr. Belinkoff and mr. Pratken,

Who were simply kicked Out of their rooms?

Nothing.

They're just victims of j-51.

Which is?

- the city's new Tax-abatement program. - oh.

It's all part of new york's plan

To revitalize old neighborhoods.

You see, with hefty Tax incentives in hand,

Real-estate developers Started to buy up

Dilapidated properties, Seedy hotels, flophouses,

Et cetera, many with a Splendid view of the river,

Then gut them, refurbish them,

And turn them into Contemporary condominiums

At 250 grand a pop.

Apparently, the city Forget about all those

Who were cut Loose in the process.

A quarter of a million dollars.

Who the hell can afford that?

- yeah, well... - I know I can't.

Every night, I got to slog home

To that leaky cracker Box up in bridgeport.

Backyard looking Like a rat's nest.

Garage is about to collapse.

My wife keeps harping on Me to panel the basement.

Mr. Weckler, we're talking

About those people out There and their problems.

- oh, right. - right.

Well... What do you suggest?

Here you go, eddie.

Oh. Thanks, linda.

So, you still Working at the diner?

Yeah. I'm doing real good.

Harry says maybe in A couple of months

He'll make me a bus boy,

Then I'll even get to share Tips with the waitress.

Hey, that would be great.

Uh, so... You still on heroin?

No, I quit.

That's great.

You quit hooking, too?

Yeah. Pretty much.

Guess maybe I got Two things off my back.

That was kind of cute.

Gentlemen.

Well?

Well, mr. Weckler?

- we're still thinking. - oh!

- uh, barney. - yeah?

Under the circumstances,

I thought maybe I'd make a few calls.

Yeah?

The missions are all full up,

And the salvation army is Booked solid for the holidays.

Wonderful.

Actually, everyone seems

Pretty well settled In around here.

Let me make a few calls.

Excuse me.

Are you the one in Charge of this madness?

Right. Captain miller.

Who the hell are you?

Arthur minch, loving Touch greeting cards, inc.

Oh, yeah, of course.

Watch him. He's poisonous.

Well, sticks and stones...

However, captain, the point Is, the greeting card industry

Has gone through A bit of a catharsis.

Where once our mainstay Was the sentimental slop

And turgid jingles at which Mr. Kellog was so adept,

The markets have now splintered,

And we've become More specialized...

Humor and pornography,

Cards for singles and gays,

Religious and ethnic Groups, hostages.

Why are you telling me this?

I'm... Not quite sure.

At any rate, where do I sign?

This is the complaint.

Go ahead. Sign it.

Show them what kind of A snake you really are.

Okay.

You won't catch me buying One of your stinking cards.

Me, neither.

I write my own.

Well, whoop-de-do.

Well, captain, if There's nothing more...

Uh, no, I guess That's it, mr. Minch.

- have a merry christmas. - thank you.

Captain! Good news.

Unfortunately, our armory in Brooklyn is filled to capacity.

However, I did Manage to scrape up

An old correctional Facility in the catskills.

It should accommodate Everyone nicely.

Catskills?

Of course, you'll all have to Provide your own transportation.

Wait a minute.

Captain, it's all academic.

I just got off the Phone with dispatch.

- the city's snowed in. - you're kidding.

Nothing's moving. Cars, buses.

They're starting to Sleep at grand central.

Even the trains Aren't getting out.

What?

But... I live in connecticut.

Not tonight.

Oh, god!

I got it, bruno.

It's about time.

- can we go now? - sure, you can.

Captain, this is naomi Bender, bruno's wife.

Really?

We were married just last month.

Oh, it wasn't in the papers.

Congratulations.

All right, bruno, you're out.

I'll get your stuff.

See ya, bruno.

It was nice sleeping In your store.

Yeah, sure.

Oh, bruno, won't this be nice?

Our first christmas together...

Just you and me, snowed in,

A big turkey stuffed With sauerkraut,

Just the way you like it.

Barney: here you go, bruno.

Hey, uh, miller, why Don't you just turn

Mr. Potato head Loose over there, okay?

Are you telling me You're dropping charges?

Well, he wasn't trying to Steal nothing, right, eddie?

Yeah.

Okay.

You're free to go, eddie.

That's great.

Where am I going?

I don't know, eddie.

He's coming home with me.

He is?

I am?

Why not?

I mean, the little lady's

Gonna be spending half the Night in the kitchen, anyway.

I got my choo-choo Set up in the den.

So why don't you and Princess grace here

Just head on over?

Unless you got some other ideas.

I can't even get a cab.

You sure it's okay With your wife?

Hey, sure, it is, right, toots?

Oh, yes. I'd like that.

No one's ever been over.

What about sam?

Eddie, go ahead And enjoy yourself.

We all will be fine right here.

Won't we, captain?

Oh, uh... Hey, that's The spirit, miller.

You're all right.

Wojo: did anyone remember To unplug the coffee?

Dietrich: yeah, I did.

Barney: oh. Thanks.

Harris: come on, Who took my pillow?

Barney: good night, harris.

Wojo: merry christmas, barn.

Barney: same to you, woj.

Dietrich: I usually Sleep in the nude.

Barney: thank you, dietrich.

Sam: good night, mr. Reckler.

Reckler: real funny.

Levitt: merry christmas, sir.

Barney: good night, levitt.