Original subtitles

Can I help you? I'm captain miller.

Dr. Edmund danworth,

Hudson center For stress studies.

I'm looking for a Sergeant arthur dietrich.

That's me. What Can I do for you?

Well, according To this, sergeant,

You volunteered to Participate in p.O.S.A.P...

Police officer stress Analysis program.

You're a little Late, aren't you?

I volunteered for That six months ago.

Yeah, well, I'm just coming Off a pretty messy divorce.

Oh.

Well, in any case, I'm here, So if you're still interested,

Why don't we Just get on with it?

Well, he's still Available for duty?

That's the whole idea.

Is it gonna take long?

No. Five minutes.

Yeah, I'm game.

All right. Set it up over There by the air shaft.

Good. Lose the shirt.

What... What have we got here?

Oh, uh, this is Mrs. Wanda lamear.

Um, captain miller.

These are for my nerves.

A pleasure to meet you.

What seems to be the problem?

Well, mrs. Lamear would like To report an affair in progress.

It's my husband brent.

He's been sleeping around.

It's really not his fault.

I mean, for the past 25 years,

Everything has been Wonderful between us.

Brent was always Loyal, caring...

Always a surprise in bed.

But that's before she moved in.

She?

That flashy blonde in the Building across from ours.

She's taken my husband.

Your husband's left you?

No.

But you have seen them together?

Well, no.

How do you know that...

A woman knows these things.

Look, he always comes Home late after work,

Out of breath and Physically drained,

If you know what I mean.

I know that he's been with her.

Mrs. Lamear, we sympathize,

But exactly what Do you want us to do?

I want you to run that Woman out of town.

The police still Do that, don't they?

We'll have to check.

Barn, I'll take care of it.

- thank you. - sure.

Excuse me.

You want to take a Seat right there, please?

Dr. Danworth: is that Too tight, sergeant?

Dietrich: no, that's fine.

That's it? What's it do?

This electronic sensor

That I strapped to Sergeant dietrich's chest

Will record heart And nerve reactions,

Pulse, blood pressure,

And any changes due to Stress and strain factors

He might encounter.

Yeah?

Um...

All the data will be fed Into this terminal here

So that I'll be able to monitor The sergeant's condition

Based on the information That comes up on the screen.

Voilà.

Blood pressure 120/76, pulse... 68.

You're perfectly normal.

Can I get my lollipop now?

Funny.

What's it for?

The basic intent of the program

Is to sample stress experienced

By a cross section of police Officers throughout the city.

Hopefully, with all the Data we've accumulated,

We'll be able to pinpoint Problem areas in the field,

Improve methods of Training and operation,

And basically enhance The health and well-being

Of the entire department.

Hey, what's all this stuff?

Oy.

You want to get that, wojo?

Sure.

Well, sergeant, if That's comfortable,

You might as well just get Dressed and forget all about it.

Forget about what?

Barn, there's a Disturbance over at nyu.

At the student center.

Who you on with?

Harris.

Uh, wanda's gone. I kicked her out.

Uh, gently.

Okay, you two.

Harris: thanks.

Hey, wait a minute.

Are you going out with that guy?

Yeah.

What do you think I wired him for?

I don't know.

Who's wanda?

Man, where have You been all morning?

So, you've been a cop long?

Yeah, about eight years.

I'm a cardiologist.

Yeah?

You know, nobody forces Me to lug that stuff around.

I could have had my Own private practice,

But I figured, "Who Needs the headaches?"

Not us.

Right.

I mean, we're talking About 75 grand a year

Just in malpractice insurance,

And that doesn't include Nurses, technicians, equipment,

An office uptown, greens fees.

But just you go trying Telling that to jill.

Am I bothering you?

That obvious, huh?

Mr. Bondell, please.

Just step inside here, please.

Don't you understand?

We have become a society Of self-indulgent slobs,

Only thinking about ourselves.

Dietrich, did my tailor call?

Nope.

Uh, excuse me.

Barn, this is vincent bondell.

He tore apart the xerox Booth over at nyu at career day.

It was a travesty.

When we got there,

Mr. Bondell had the company Recruiter in a headlock,

Trying to get a Photocopy of his face.

It turned out pretty good, too.

I couldn't take it anymore...

Sitting there alone At my little card table,

Watching all those Young, bright minds

Falling all over each other,

Signing up with all Those big corporations.

I mean, all those Kids give a damn about

Are high-starting salaries, Company cars, expense accounts,

Pleasant working conditions.

I cannot compete with that!

See, he's the recruiter For the peace corps.

Ah.

Apparently you people Have changed your methods.

Sure, make jokes.

You don't know what it's like

Talking to these Students these days.

What's it to them if a village In senegal needs a school

Or the crops in Honduras are failing

Or babies in new guinea are Dropping like flies to malaria?

I spent six years in a mud hut, Sport, and I'm damn proud of it!

I'm sure you are, mr. Bondell, But, unfortunately,

We have to book you.

Wojo.

Yeah, come on. Over here.

He's got a point.

Put it in the report.

Barney, we got a disturbance In an apartment on west 13th.

Grab a uniform.

You going down to a Call? Yeah, it looks like it.

Well, I guess I'll just sit Here and keep an eye on you.

Okay.

Excuse me.

Are you married?

Uh, yes, happily.

Good for you.

You know, sergeant, back in '68,

When I joined the peace corps,

We were young, idealistic.

We couldn't wait To get out there

And change the world And make it better.

Yeah, I remember that.

I'm going to put You in the cage now.

Mm.

I mean, I'll never forget Those first four years in kenya,

Working 18 hours a day,

Breaking my back With a pick and shovel,

Laying pipe for an Irrigation project

That had ultimately brought hope

And self-sufficiency To an entire region.

- that's great. - sure is.

Uh, but you want To step in there?

So where were you in '68?

Vietnam.

Ah, sure, easy.

Hey, look what The cat dragged in.

Inspector luger.

How you doing, har?

Written any good books lately?

No.

Keep up the good work.

Inspector.

- hey. - what's up?

Over there just chewing The fat with harris.

- hi, wojo. - wojo: inspector.

Ooh, what's with captain video?

This is dr. Danworth. Inspector luger.

Inspector.

What's up, doc?

You tracking some Enemy submarines, huh?

- no, I'm not. - no, huh?

Well, keep up the Good work, danny.

Can I see you in The office, barn?

Did I hear them say That you're a doctor?

Yes, you did.

Did you know that the peace Corps is in desperate need

Of experienced Physicians just like you?

Oh, yeah?

Just think about it...

Bringing the gift of Life to some remote,

Impoverished corner of the World, starting your own clinic,

Setting up programs On disease control

And health administration.

A simple two-year commitment

Will bring you a lifetime Of cherished memories

And personal satisfaction.

How's the money?

Nice talking to you.

So, uh, so, anyway, barn, in The past couple of weeks,

I managed to see A little daylight

In my otherwise Very busy schedule.

So I took a few minutes to read Over a couple of these letters

That you hacked out.

I think that you're Referring to those I wrote

To your prospective Mail-order brides.

Exactly, barn.

And?

They're from hunger, barney.

Huh?

They're for the Birds. I mean it.

I mean, they look Very nice, huh?

There's no strikeovers, The margins are nice and neat,

But they read

Like I'm some kind of a Wet mop or something.

I don't think so.

No, let me refresh Your memory here.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

"Dear mi ling,

"I saw your picture In the magazine,

And I felt compelled To write to you."

Well, that's okay... Romantic.

Thank you.

But here's the problem, barney.

Get a load of this slop.

"Although I live In a bustling city,

"I prefer the simple Things in life...

"A walk in the park, a Chat with old friends,

Quiet evenings at home."

It sounds like I barely Made it through the letter.

Inspector, what did You expect me to write?

I don't know, barney.

Maybe something like,

"I enjoy going out to a Ballgame occasionally.

I like to catch a broadway Show now and then."

You know, dining and dancing Into the dawn, hang gliding.

You don't do any Of those things.

I saw "Pal joey" once.

Inspector, I didn't want to Write those letters, but I did.

But if I was gonna write them,

I decided I was Gonna picture you

As accurately and Honestly as possible.

Like boring, huh?

I never said that.

Yes.

Captain, I think you Better look at this.

Excuse me, inspector.

It's okay, barn. I'll Just sit here quietly.

Barney: what's going on?

Well, we don't know, But a few minutes ago,

It started going Crazy, so... Doctor?

Actually, I have seen This pattern once before...

In the south bronx.

A rapid rise in systolic Blood pressure,

Accelerated heartbeat, Erratic nerve functions.

My guess is that your Man's under hostile fire.

- what? - he's being shot at.

I know what it means!

Barn, I'll call dispatch.

Yeah.

Look, are you sure It's not just your...

I'm sorry.

Yeah, right. Okay.

Just... Just keep Me posted, will you?

Right.

What do the boys at Dispatch have to say?

They don't know What's going on, either.

They had reports of people

Running out of the Building screaming,

Windows being blown Out of the fifth floor.

Somebody even Reported shots fired.

Somebody called the bomb squad.

Wonderful.

No word from wojo Or harris, either?

Nothing.

- captain... - yeah?

I tested out the terminal Inputs and calibration.

It all checks out. I'm sorry.

It's not the machine.

Wait. Are you trying to Tell us that d.D. Is dead?

Maybe it's that stupid thing You strapped on his chest.

Maybe he took it off.

Maybe it fell off.

Yeah, it's... That's Probably it.

- I tried that. - oh, did you?

Did you try that?

Excuse me.

Uh, yeah, kogan, uh, Hold on a second.

Yes?

William jessup, new york District supervisor, action.

What?

We're the federal agency That oversees our government's

Various voluntary-services Programs,

Of which the peace Corps is a very small part.

Oh, you're looking for Bondell. He's right there.

Kogan, I'm trying to find out What happened to dietrich.

What exactly did mr. Bondell do?

I was making a point.

He assaulted a Corporate recruiter

And busted up a lot Of company property.

You happen to have a Couple of extra uniforms

Laying around down there?

But why was I called?

He's your boy, isn't he?

Technically, yes, but The point is, captain...

I know half the precinct Is down there! I sent them!

The point is, captain, the Peace corps does function

As a wholly autonomous Branch of action.

Hold on a second.

In fact, you really should Have called their office.

I am their office.

I'll talk to him.

Inside, ladies.

I really don't know What's going on.

- tramp. - she keeps saying that.

Levitt, what are you doing here?

Back on duty, sir. I went Out with sergeant dietrich.

Dietrich. What happened?

What happened to dietrich?!

He's fine, sir. He's downstairs Changing his clothes.

What?

If you'll just step inside,

We'll get this all Straightened out for you.

Well, I hope so.

Brent.

Wanda.

Darling, what's going on?

That's what I want to Know. What is going on here?

- hello, people. - sergeant dietrich.

I think you better Wring this out.

- captain. - what happened?

Uh, everybody know everybody?

- no. - ha!

What happened?

We got to ms. Swallock's Apartment, and...

That's our flashy blonde here.

Mrs. Lamear was chasing ms. Swallock around the apartment,

Blasting everything in sight

With one of those High-pressure fire hoses

You get in the hallway.

Wanda, that's so unlike you.

Sorry.

I didn't mean to cool Off your girlfriend.

Who are these people? Huh?

Anyway, sir, sergeant dietrich

Finally wrested The hose in question

Away from mrs. Lamear.

But not before being Blown backwards

Over a barcalounger by The intensity of the spray.

I wasn't aiming for him. Those Things are very hard to hold.

Don't worry about it.

It was the funniest Thing I have ever seen.

I was dying.

Really?

How about that?

Well, anyway, barn, when Harris and I got there,

The women were Already in dry clothes

And dietrich was Leading them out,

So... So we went over To pick up mr. Lamear.

Hello.

You could have at least Called, told me he was okay.

I guess I was Supposed to do that.

I'm sorry.

All right, let's get Some statements.

Harris, you want to Take care of the lamears?

Ms. Swallock, if you'll Have a seat over...

Why am I under arrest?

No, you're not under arrest.

I mean, all I did was Answer my door,

And the next thing I know,

That woman is trying To drown me with a hose.

And she's blowing Out all my windows

And calling me filthy names And pinning me under the couch.

I mean, I don't even Know these people.

Unfortunately, mrs. Lamear Is under the impression

That you've been having An affair with her husband.

Him?

Me?

I could be wrong.

I hope you realize, bondell,

Your little tantrum Couldn't have happened

At a worse time for me.

The peace corps needs people.

That may be, but at the moment,

I'm up to my ears Trying to save vista,

The university year for action, Foster grandparents program.

So?

So stockman wants My hide, bondell,

And this doesn't help matters.

- excuse me. - yes?

I'd just like to emphasize That mr. Bondell's action

In no way reflects The actions of action,

Nor any of our other Fine voluntary programs,

Which are all presently Biting the big one.

Well, I appreciate That, mr. Jessup,

But there are some charges Outstanding against...

Wojo: barn.

Uh, I talked to the recruiter.

He said that they'd be willing To drop the assault charge.

What they care about is Compensation for the display.

And how much would that be?

About $300.

$300.

We'll try to scrape that up.

Thanks.

You know, bondell,

$300 would have fed a Family of 12 in guatemala

For six months.

God... That's right.

Nice guy.

Frankly, wanda, I'm confused.

I mean, whatever made you think I was running around with her?

Oh, I could see the way She was coming on to you.

- how? - well, it was so obvious.

Always prancing around Her apartment naked,

Wiggling her young body In front of the window,

Trying to entice You, arouse you.

I was vacuuming.

I mean, I always Houseclean in the nude.

It helps me on my diet.

I mean, I swear, I had no idea.

Then what's... What's Wrong between us?

Nothing.

Oh, you never come Home for dinner anymore,

We hardly say one Word to each other,

And when it's time to go to bed,

You just roll over And go to sleep.

You never used to do that.

- wanda... - is it me?

Of course not, darling.

It's... It's just that Lately I've been...

I've been plagued by Some business setbacks,

And I didn't want to Burden you with them.

Oh.

You see, I'm a realtor.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Brent, you should have told me.

I thought I was losing you.

Wanda.

Brent.

Aw.

Captain...

I, uh, guess I better be heading Back to the stress center.

They're gonna be Fascinated by your findings.

Sure.

Uh, anyway, I just Wanted to apologize

For making things kind Of hectic around here.

It sort of defeated the Whole purpose of the program,

Doesn't it?

Goodbye, doctor.

Right.

Sergeant dietrich... Thanks for everything.

Doc.

Let's do it again real soon.

Hey, d.D.!

I.L.

You little scamp, you... Running off like that.

You didn't fool us for a minute.

We knew all the time he'd be All right, didn't we, barney?

Absolutely.

Yeah.

I was just talking To levine downstairs.

Told me this whole Hunga-bunga all started up

Because of some wacko Broad squirting a hose.

What?

Sir, that wacko broad You're referring to

Happens to be the woman I love.

Brent.

Oh, he is so wonderful.

Back off, sister!

Anyway, d.D., now that I got You back all safe and sound,

None the worse for wear,

I think I'll toddle on Back downtown, barney.

Okay.

Thank you for your, Uh, support, inspector.

Listen, barney, for you, Anything at anytime, huh?

Incidentally, barney, those Letters you wrote for me...

Yeah?

I left them on your desk.

Oh.

The first chance you Get, punch 'em up, hmm?

Aloha, barney.

Barney: yeah?

- captain? - mm-hmm?

I just thought I'd Bring you up-to-date

On our little love Triangle out there.

Oh?

Mr. Lamear said he'd Pay for the damages

Done to ms. Swallock's apartment,

So she decided to drop charges.

- fine. - so you want to cut Wanda loose again?

Yeah, sure.

Anything else?

Yeah, I just wanted to tell you

How much I appreciate Your concern for me.

Well...

Harris and wojo told me That my passing away like that

Really threw you for a loop.

Uh... Yeah, it did.

Well, it made me Feel pretty good.

Good.

Coming out of that building

And seeing all those Patrol cars you sent over

And the uniforms swarming All over the street,

The area roped off like that...

I really appreciate it.

Fine. Forget it.

The bomb squad was a nice touch.

I didn't send them.

Too busy writing The eulogy, huh?

Get out.