Original subtitles

Okay, mr. Brotsky.

Ed.

Okay, ed.

Want to tell me Exactely what happened?

Well, I had just got done Taping my "Grand opening" banner

Over the window,

And I was starting to Blow up some balloons,

When this guy walks into my shop

And asks me if I'm Open for business yet.

Right.

Well, anyway, I said, "Yeah,

In fact, you're my Very first customer."

So he says "Great."

And then, before I Even had a chance

To offer him a Complimentary spoon,

He takes out this gun,

And he cleans out my Register and he takes my wallet.

I see.

Is there anything else?

He called me a moron.

Laughed right in my face,

And he said my store was stupid.

That would be ed's House of mugs, right?

Personalized mugs.

Mm-hmm.

Say, uh, could I have One built for you?

You know, I always Get you people.

Hello, woj.

Barn.

Working on the Quarterly crime statistics?

No, it's a magazine.

Really?

Yeah, they...

They grabbed a guy Who is carving people up

And then mailing Them in sections

To rotary clubs all Around the country.

Must have cost him A fortune in postage.

Here's a picture of Some of his packages.

Ugh.

I don't know what's Going on with people, barn.

I mean, I understand crime,

But this kind of Disgusting thing...

It's becoming as common as dirt.

And then they're printing it In magazines just like this one

So that some other Lunatic can read it

And get some more new ideas.

Then what the hell Are you reading it for?

I don't know.

It's interesting.

Why don't you get to work On the crime statistics, huh?

Yeah, sure.

Oops, oops, oops, Oops, oops. Magazine.

This is yours?

Yeah, I left it in the w.C.

I'm... I'm gonna write A book about this guy.

Isn't that a particularly Gruesome subject?

Well, I mean, it depends

Upon how you handle The overall thesis.

You know.

Barn, unraveling A killer's mind,

Taking a psychological Look at the society

That breeds that kind of Hostility and malevolence,

Played against the backdrop Of a city gripped in fear?

I mean, barn, you know, Properly developed,

The butchery becomes an Almost incidental garnish.

You see my point?

Oh, absolutely.

Anyway, barn,

Bates publishing bought The rights to the story,

And my agent has already Sold them on the fact

That I'm just the guy to Whip it into a paperback.

Well, congratulations.

Of course, um, the deal Hasn't been finalized yet.

Oh.

It'll probably happen today...

Uh, over lunch.

I take it you have a meeting.

It's just the publisher's Winging in from newark,

And I'm only gonna need An extra half-hour or so,

If that's okay with you.

A half-hour.

Thanks, barney.

Ira, please calm down!

Yes, can I help you?

Yes, yes, we need protection!

Oh?

There's a man out there Who wants to kill us!

He's a maniac! He Wants to kill us both!

Uh-huh.

Have we come at a bad time?

Mr. And mrs. Buckman, I'm captain miller.

- a pleasure. - how do you do?

- please, uh... - thank you.

Sergeant dietrich tells me

Someone's been threatening you.

He called early this morning.

He said he wouldn't rest

Until he could snap my Neck with his bare hands

And violate my wife!

He sounded very sincere.

I was listening On the extension.

You sure this Wasn't just a crank?

Oh, no. It's not a crank.

Mr. Yeager made Some rude noises...

- mr. Yeager? - oy.

Miriam, please.

He mentioned something About his lottery ticket.

What lottery ticket?

The one he bought in my Grocery store last week.

He said it should Have won $10,000

And that it's my Fault that it didn't,

And then he went on to say...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Why would he say that?

Oh, well, I don't... Ira!

I forgot to send it in.

Oh.

I found it in the cash register

Clipped onto a Pile of food stamps.

You, uh, told mr. Yeager About this oversight?

He doesn't want to Know from oversights!

He... He watched the Drawings on tv on saturday,

Saw his number come up,

And now he says I'm dead meat.

Well, I should say so.

You and wojo pick up yeager.

The address is on the ticket...

Right under the winning number.

That's it, miriam.

Keep punching.

All right, mr. Buckman, Want to have a seat?

The two of you just relax. We'll see what we can do.

You're very kind.

The delicatessen wasn't Exciting enough for you?

You had to open a casino?

Every merchant on the Block sells lottery tickets.

I'm a merchant.

I'm ed... Ed's house of mugs.

During my opening-day Ceremonies,

While I was hanging My opening-day banner

And blowing up some balloons,

A man with a gun Came into my shop

And robbed me of Practically everything I own.

When he's like this, Nothing cheers him up.

All right, gentlemen. Please, don't get up.

Rank is a mockery, And seniority is a curse.

Where the hell is everybody?

They're away on business.

Oh, inspector.

Barney.

What a surprise.

I guess so.

Where's all the troops?

On maneuvers.

That's a good one, barn.

For a minute there, it Almost took my mind off this.

- what's the matter? - hmm?

Oh, no big deal, barney...

Just official notification

That as of 25 may Of our lord 1982,

In accordance with the Official policies of the nypd,

Inspector frank d. Luger will cease to exist.

Retirement?

Exactly, barn.

My office, inspector?

Heh. Well, as long As I'm still here, huh?

So, as you can imagine, barney,

I've been giving these last Lonely impending days of mine

A good deal of thought.

- I can imagine. - yep.

Picturing myself, you know,

Same time next year,

Sitting on some Lousy park bench,

Pigeons flying around, Pecking at my hat.

Snotty little kids Running around... Ptoo...

- spitting at me. - inspector...

No, I-I wake up screaming, barn.

- inspector, that's crazy. - huh?

Come on, you're a Relatively young man.

You're in good Physical condition,

Financially independent.

Most people facing retirement

Would envy a man In your position.

Ah, but, barney, most People facing retirement,

They got, you know, somebody Else facing it with them.

Yeah, me, I got nobody.

I mean, after all, you know,

Old forrester, Kleiner, brownie...

Right now they're nothing But... But worm mush.

And you.

You'll be stuck in This lousy little office

For another 20 years or so.

Fish... Fish never Returns my phone calls.

Well, I...

I've been considering All the options, barney,

And I figure that maybe right Now is as good a time as any

For the old inspector To, you know, tie the knot.

What?

Get married.

You're kidding!

No!

No, I mean, why should I spend These last few miserable years

All by myself?

I want to share Them with somebody.

Who's the lucky lady?

How the hell should I know?

I haven't picked her out yet.

Oh.

Here.

Take a gander at this, barney.

lotus blossom quarterly?

"Complete up-to-date Photo listings

"Of eligible asian women

Wishing to meet Eligible american men"?

Yeah, I thought maybe we'd Start out with malaysia.

Mail call.

- sergeant harris. - yeah.

Must be the Harmonica you ordered.

Just kidding.

Dietrich.

Dietrich.

Dietrich.

Captain miller.

Wojciehowicz.

Wojciehowicz.

Nothing for you folks.

Yes, levitt?

Sir, your mail.

Oh, thank you.

Anything else?

If you don't mind My saying so, sir,

You're looking Very preppy today.

In what way?

I'm not quite sure.

We're back.

What happened?

We found yeager's Apartment, but he wasn't there.

The place is a real dump.

The guy must be Starving to death.

Dietrich: I asked the super Where he was working.

Said he hasn't had a Job for eight months.

- ira. - miriam!

So what happens now, captain?

We'll get a physical Description from the two of you.

We'll circulate it.

In the meantime, I'll have the, uh...

Barn? Call from dispatch.

The alarm just went Off at a delicatessen

On bleecker and 19th.

- that's our store! - ira!

Barney: just take it easy!

Well, I guess that's lunch.

Oh, right.

Um, all right, wojo, dietrich.

Hey, I found him! I found The guy who robbed me!

Just excuse me a moment.

Are you certain of That, mr. Brotsky?

Yes, positive.

- harris? - yes.

We got a positive I.D. From mr. Brotsky.

I want you to check it out.

But, barney, I've got To go to a meeting.

This is your case.

Uh, sir, I'm Available. I can go.

Or dietrich and I can split up.

What is this?

Get out of here! You got a call!

You too. Take levitt.

Barney, people from new Jersey are expecting me.

Now, look, harris,

For two years, I've put Up with cocktail parties,

Autograph sessions, Late lunches,

And it's not gonna happen again!

Understood?

Does this mean I can't go?

- right. - fine.

Levitt?

Uh, levitt, come on. Let's go.

Shhhh!

I think it was him.

Oh. Inspector.

Uh... Sorry I took so long.

I, uh... It was kind Of hectic out there.

Oh, sure. That's okay, barney.

I've just been sitting here

Alone in your office, as usual.

But I do think I've Narrowed this down

A little bit, barney.

Oh, inspector, that's Not gonna work.

Why not?

At best, marriage is A tough proposition.

Oh, I know that, barney.

And these ladies Are total strangers

From an alien culture Halfway around the world.

But nobody in this Country likes me, barney.

That's not true.

I mean, what about that cashier From bensonhurst... Grace?

You two seemed to Hit it off pretty good.

And, uh... You were Engaged to agnes.

Agnes left me, barney.

Oh.

Says I wasn't physical Enough for her.

Ran away with her hairdresser.

Sorry. I-I didn't know that.

Well, it's not exactly The kind of thing

You brag about, barney.

But you're probably right. Maybe this thing isn't for me.

I ain't never been lucky With the ladies before.

What makes me think I can Find the right one in here?

Well...

Uh, you decide, barney.

Huh?

Just narrow it down To three or four, huh?

I'll check back With you in an hour.

Inspector... Now, now!

- look... - barney...

All right, inside, mr. Yeager.

Come on. You want To get in there?

Yeah, I want to get in there.

I also want to see him dead!

I also want to see his body Dragged through the streets!

Wojo: take it easy!

I take it this is mr. Yeager.

Why? Do I sound Like a sore loser?

When we got to the deli, The back door was smashed in,

And mr. Yeager was Loading up some boxes

With imported cold cuts.

The register was empty.

I had to take something!

We know you got a Raw deal, mr. Yeager,

And I know the buckmans Feel very bad about it,

- but that doesn't... - they feel bad?

Who the hell cares?

All right, mr. Yeager.

You know, every week For the last five years,

I've been buying one Ticket, two tickets...

Whatever I could afford.

And I'd always play The same numbers...

The zip code of mom's Sanitarium in plattsburgh.

Oh, god.

You see, I always dreamed That one day I'd hit it big,

And then I'd be able to get Her out of that snake pit

And send her down to florida

To one of those plush Retirement villages...

You know, with bingo And shuffleboard and tv.

Now I guess I'll Have to call her up,

Tell her to unpack.

Plattsburgh is The end of the line!

Ira!

If it's the last thing I do, I'll get you, ira!

In the cage.

I'll kill you, ira!

Miriam!

You too, miriam!

Levitt: move it inside, shapper!

Shapper: come on!

You know I was doing the Chamber of commerce a big favor?

Save it for the lunch, thief.

This is anthony Shapper, captain.

He robbed mr. Brotsky's store.

I was right.

Sir, we found him Sitting in his apartment,

Cleaning this and watching tv.

Yeah, you know, they Just busted right in.

Yeah, right in the middle Of "Wall street week."

Hey, that rukeyser, he kills me.

I'll see to it that Gets into your report.

Levitt.

Oh, I'll take it, captain.

Uh, my case.

Hey, come on. Over here.

Hey!

He-e-y! Mugsie!

Hey, how's business?

Hey, sit down.

Sir, about sergeant Harris' book.

What about it?

You know he missed lunch.

Yes, I know!

They went back to new jersey.

Okay!

They didn't know if They were coming back.

How you doing, laverne?

Levine?

He's a nice little Fellow, barney.

What do you got... A Fire sale going on here?

It's the busy season.

Ah.

Oh, barney, I was on The horn downstairs.

I called up my old redheaded Cashier from bensonhurst.

Oh, yeah?

Mm-hmm.

She's dead.

Oh.

How about you, barn? Any luck?

Did you pick me out an Alien I can sink my teeth into?

Inspector, you can't Make a choice like this

From a grainy Photograph in a magazine.

That's how I got these shoes.

You don't know anything

About these women Or their culture...

How they think, what they feel.

Yeah, but you, barney... You've been fooling around

With this human-nature Junk for years, huh?

Sticking your nose up Into people's character?

You got an instinct, barney.

Thank you.

My pleasure.

Look, if you're really serious

About going this route...

Well, letters Have to be written,

Contacts have to be made.

Well, do whatever You have to do, barney.

Whoa, whoa! Whoa, wait a minute.

Oh, no, no, no. Not me. I don't have the time.

Oh.

Well, okay, barney.

I'll just give it the old "Eeny Meeny miny moe" treatment,

Hope I don't wind up With some vietcong broad

That's gonna slit my Throat on my honeymoon

For my insurance.

I'll write the letters.

If you really want to.

I want to. I want to.

Uh, let's see...

I really appreciate it, barn.

Okay.

Bless you.

Oh, and listen, barney, Just sign them "Frankie," huh?

And send me a couple of copies.

Okay, you folks want to Sign a complaint right here,

You can go home.

Excuse me.

Would it be possible to Speak to mr. Yeager privately?

Don't get too near the cage.

'cause he really hates you.

Mr. Yeager... Get away from me!

Mr. Yeager, please.

We want to make things right.

I got nothing to say to you!

You could at least Listen to a person.

We don't have $10,000, But we have managed

To save a little Here, a little there.

Forget it! Beat it!

Please, mr. Yeager.

We want you to take your Mother out of plattsburgh

And put her in miami.

At least for the winter.

What, are you kidding me?

I wish we could do more.

You people know I Wanted to kill you?

I robbed your shop.

You were just upset, mr. Yeager.

And I was rude on the phone.

But never mind. It's settled.

Ira, write the man a check.

No, no, no! I can't Take your money!

Why not?

Because you people Just made a mistake.

Anybody can make a mistake.

And you're being so nice!

And you can forget about Your cold cuts, you know?

What I couldn't Eat I stepped on!

Take the money.

I can't.

Gordon, you suffered enough.

I could never live With myself, ira!

It'll be easier than Living with miriam.

Have some consideration, huh?

Take the money.

Okay.

Okay.

But only for mom.

We appreciate it.

Such a wonderful son.

Captain?

Uh, yeah. Come in, harris.

I finished processing shapper.

I'm gonna run him Over to the tombs,

And then I'm gonna go On home from there.

Hold it, uh...

Why don't we get Wojo to do that?

Maybe we can, uh... Talk?

Good night.

You guys kiss and make up?

What do you want?

The buckmans want to Drop charges against yeager.

I take it they worked it out?

Yeah, they bought him off.

All right, let him go.

It's after 6:00. Aren't You gonna check out?

I think I'm gonna Be here for a while.

Tired of liz?

Good night, dietrich.

Night.

"Dear mai noi lo..."

Compassion.

I really needed it.