Original subtitles

Okay, uh, miss mcwilliams.

You think you can describe The man who took your purse?

In my own words?

Uh... That'd be fine.

Well... I saw a Sadness in his eyes.

Okay.

And I think that...

That there will Always be that sadness

Until we, society, Can learn to...

To rehabilitate our Hardened criminals,

Imbuing upon them a Sense of... Of dignity and...

And purpose

So that they, too, may take Their rightful place here,

In this, our great Land of opportunity.

Thank you.

You're in town for a Beauty contest, aren't you?

Well, how did you ever know?

Oh, just a wild guess.

It's the miss new york state Throughway competition.

I was fourth runner-up.

Dropped your baton, huh?

Look, I'm sorry.

I really... I didn't know.

Good... Morning.

- hi, barn. - good morning.

Anything going on?

Got a work stoppage in poland.

Seems to be catching.

Actually, I'm not Entirely convinced

That the solidarity movement's Accomplishing anything,

Outside of playing right Into the hands of the russians.

Oh, come on.

I mean, I can't see

Where the facts Justify that conclusion.

Oh, really?

Now, they have gained

Quite a few concessions From the government.

What concessions?

Well, I mean, the existence Of the union itself...

Not to mention greater Freedom of speech, assembly,

Access to the media, religion.

They gonna eat that stuff?

The polish economy's In a state of collapse.

That's all very true...

The point is, if they continue To aggravate the situation

With strikes and slowdown,

They're probably gonna Have bread riots in the streets.

And the russians will Be more than happy

To roll in the tanks To restore order,

Just like they did in Czechoslovakia and hungary.

I got hit with a paternity suit.

What?!

Haven't you people Suffered enough?

When did this happen?

Last night.

I was sitting in my Apartment alone,

Watching the rangers game,

And some guy knocks on the door

And tells me my pizza's here.

Processor.

And he hands me that and Says, "Here you go, pops...

One summons with Everything on it,"

And takes off.

"Maureen elizabeth Ballentine, being duly sworn,

Deposes and says,"

Et cetera, et Cetera, et cetera...

Yeah, "On or about the 28th day of january 1981,

"I had sexual intercourse

With stanley tadeusz Wojciehowicz."

See, I never tell Anybody my middle name.

Uh, the...

"On the 21st day Of october 1981,

"I gave birth to a male child...

Christopher winston Wojciehowicz."

Uh, et cetera, et cetera...

"Plaintiff requests That the court declare

"Stanley tadeusz wojciehowicz Father of said child,

Award to the plaintiff Payment, support,"

Et cetera, et cetera.

So... You got any Idea who she is?

Yeah, I... Look, I realize that it's Short notice, but my lawyer says

That I got to...

Yeah, it's a Paternity suit. Right.

Great. Thanks a Lot. I'll be there.

Oh, hi, barn.

Uh... I had to call The urologist,

And it's kind of Personal, you know, so...

I figured you wouldn't mind.

No, no. It's okay.

I got an appointment in an hour.

Is that gonna be okay?

Yeah, yeah, okay.

Also, I, uh... I Remembered who she is.

Oh?

I met her in a beauty parlor.

Well, uh, it was Snowing real hard,

And I just went Inside to get warm,

And, uh, I saw maureen...

Giving some old lady A manicure, you know?

So... Next thing I Know, she's got a kid.

I see.

Come on, barn, I know What you're thinking...

Mr. Macho, right?

- hey, look, I... - huh?

Swaggers around, hopping in bed

With anything that's Still got a pulse.

Of course, the minute I might have to accept

Some responsibility For my actions

And give a kid a father,

I run and hide behind Some sleazeball attorney,

Begging him to get Me off the hook.

Can I have my desk back?!

Fine.

I didn't come in Here for a lecture.

Movies about violence! Movies about sex!

Look, mr. Frane, This is not the movies.

We're in the real world now.

Don't you people understand?!

They are corrupting The human soul!

They are poisoning our spirit,

Making us reek Of blood and sinew

Like some flesh-eating Neanderthal!

- milk dud? - no!

Uh... No!

All right. Empty your pockets.

All right, what do we got here?

Barney, that's arthur frane.

We picked him up in the Projection booth at the tivoli.

Now, the projection Booth wasn't locked.

When we got there,

Mr. Frane had already Laid out the projectionist.

He was ripping the film Into pieces of confetti,

Tossing them to the audience.

Apparently, mr. Frane Took exception

To some of the explicit Mutilations and gore

That were being portrayed In the film in question.

"Arbor day." the name of The film was "Arbor day."

And it starts off real nice...

A bunch of cute cub Scouts camping in the woods,

And they're singing their Songs, and they're planting trees.

Then before you know it,

Somebody starts Killing them off.

One kid takes a sapling Right through the brain.

Another kid gets split Down the middle like a log

So that some maniac Can come along

And grind him up into mulch And use him as fertilizer.

Park ranger, right?

They trusted that man.

Mr. Frane, you want to Have a seat over there?

Sergeant dietrich will...

And the... The audience...

The audience changed During the movie.

They... They were sitting there,

And they got wild-eyed,

And they were sitting On the edge of their seats,

And they were... Scratching the armrests,

And... And they were behaving

As a pack of jackals In a slaughterhouse!

Just have a seat right Over there, mr. Frane.

If that wide-screen horror And carnage isn't stopped,

Then somebody is really gonna Snap and do something crazy.

Like you.

See?

Down in front, mr. Frane.

Mail call.

Here you go, sergeant harris.

Publishers clearing House sweepstakes time.

Oh, goody.

Sergeant dietrich. Thanks, carl.

Sir...

- got your manpower Reports... - oh?

- interdepartmental Communiqués... - thank you.

And, of course, your mail.

Thank you, levitt.

My pleasure, sir.

Uh, sir, is it true

That sergeant wojciehowicz Is gonna be a father?

Apparently.

I didn't know he'd Ever been married.

He hasn't.

Then what happened?

An unfortunate accident.

Ohh. I see what happened.

Levitt, let it rest, huh?

Right, sir.

I... Suppose, then, a gift Wouldn't be in order.

- right. - right.

What a shame.

I was passing by This little toy store,

And I... Picked up This little rattle.

Harris: hey, woj.

How you doing, harris?

Dietrich: hey, woj.

Dietrich.

Barney: wojo.

What the hell's that for?

Oh, that's, uh... Well... What happened?

It's not my kid.

Congratulations.

I'm sterile.

Sterile?! You?!

Yeah, me.

But... You're so big.

You know what I mean?

That's got nothing To do with it!

Forget it!

Lucky I kept the receipt.

Coffee's fresh.

Sure, change the subject.

So, what'd they say?

Well, uh...

You know, they gave Me all their tests,

And then the next thing I know,

The doctor's saying, "Sorry about this, pal,

But your Spermatozoans are dead."

See, they're, uh... They're Suppose to wiggle,

And, uh, mine just Sort of lay there

Like a bunch of string.

Woj, man, look, maybe...

Maybe the condition's Just temporary.

Yeah.

No, the doctor said It was irreversible.

I'm a damn eunuch.

Not really.

I know what I feel!

Well, look, maybe you should At least get a second opinion.

Maybe I should get a Job guarding a harem.

There's plenty of openings.

Why don't we get that?

Woj, look...

I know this whole day has Been hell of an ordeal for you,

And believe me, I sympathize,

But I just don't want you...

Agonizing over something

That is simply not true.

Like what?

Like the idea that Simply because one is a...

A... One is sterile,

It naturally follows That one is impotent.

- it's possible. - well, anything is possible,

But just don't jump To conclusions.

I probably can't.

- captain? - yeah.

Alarm just went off, Warehouse on greene.

All right, you and wojo.

Sure. Why not?

Dietrich.

Talk to him, will you?

Yeah.

Okay, I'll drive.

You lay down in the back.

Yeah, can I help you?

Yes, I'm victor lupton.

I own the tivoli theatre.

Oh, right.

Yes, I'm here to press Charges against, uh, mr...

Frane.

- frane? - frane.

- him? - him.

You!

What, are you Some kind of maniac?

What?

You don't recognize me?

I'm the guy who Sold you your ticket,

Who put that extra Buttery-flavored oil

On your popcorn... No charge...

Got you that nice Seat on the aisle,

Away from the family With the turbans.

So?

So? What do I get For my consideration?

An unconscious Projectionist, a ruined print,

200 animals stampeding Through my lobby,

Screaming for their money back!

Your movie was pandering

To the dankest recesses Of the human mind.

It was almost over!

Mr. Lupton, would you just Take a seat down here, please?

I need to get a little Information from you.

Wojo: inside, banning. Hey, come on.

Give me a chance to Catch my breath, will you?

Get inside!

Thanks.

What's going on?

This is joseph banning.

He was trying to rip off a Bunch of cassette players...

You know, like the joggers wear.

He's hiding behind a bunch Of crates, waving this baby.

Says if we don't get out, He's gonna blow us away.

An idle threat.

I do that.

I'm about to call For some backup,

When the wojo express Comes whizzing by.

You should have seen this guy.

He grabs one of those Trash-dumpster things

Like it was nothing

And he comes barreling At me like a tank!

And before I had a Chance to surrender,

He smashes into those Crates like a battering ram!

Really?

I had a shotgun in there.

Doesn't that mean Anything anymore?

Apparently not.

Book him.

Wojo?

I'm going.

Oh, excuse me.

Feel like a man again?

I don't know.

Oh, well, there's still time.

With any luck we can find some Other punk out there with a gun.

Maybe this time he Won't be afraid to use it.

You could really Test your virility.

Hey, nobody got hurt, barn.

Thank god for that.

What the hell's The matter with you,

Charging into a situation Like that half-cocked,

No backup, no vest, Improperly armed?!

You could have Got yourself killed,

And you could have Taken dietrich with you!

I'll never have A kid to yell at.

Okay, mr. Lupton,

I'd, um, like you to just Look over your complaint,

And then you can Sign it right there.

With pleasure.

Go ahead, sign it. Lock me up.

Put me on death row.

What do you want From me... A refund?

I want you to run some Decent movies, for god's sake.

Where's your sense of taste?

Taste?! Taste?!

You're yelling at Me about taste?!

Where were you when I played "Dodsworth,"

"Paths of glory," "African queen"?!

You weren't in my theater!

Nobody was in my theater,

Until I started playing Trash like "Arbor day"...

"Hotel hacksaw"... "Mermaids from hell"!

Disgusting! Every one of them!

You saw them all?

So?

Wojo, when the time comes

That you decide you Want to have a child,

There are ways.

How?

Foster parenthood, adoption.

But they're never little babies.

Most of them are almost 30.

Artificial insemination.

I don't want an artificial kid.

Okay.

Anyway, what... What if he's ugly?

Or stupid?

Woj.

Or a communist or something?

Oh, come on, woj!

How do you know?

By selecting a suitable donor.

You pick someone

Whose physical and mental Characteristics you admire

So that those same Qualities will be reflected

In your own child.

So, for instance, uh...

If I were to come to you... No!

Uh... Appreciate the thought.

- excuse me. - yeah?

Barn, mr. Lupton is Here from the tivoli.

Yeah?

He's vacillating.

I'll talk to him.

Hey, woj... Everything okay?

Yeah, sure, yeah.

Anything I can do?

Uh... I'll have to Think about it.

I really don't enjoy sending People to jail, captain,

And, uh, I suppose I'm as Much to blame as he is.

That's very understanding Of you, mr. Lupton.

But it's gonna cost me $600 to replace that print.

And if mr. Frane Agreed to pay for it?

I don't have that kind of money.

I teach accordion.

I ought to make him work it off.

I haven't had an usher Since my wife died.

Mr. Frane, you think you Might prefer the theater

To rikers island?

Maybe.

What's playing?

How do I know?!

I could probably find a Print of "Stella dallas"

In the basement.

Oh, god.

My mother made Me watch that once.

I hated it!

Mr. Frane!

Okay. Okay.

You'll arrange with mr. Lupton

To satisfy all damages?

Yes.

All right, harris. Turn him loose.

Okay, mr. Frane, you're On the road again.

"Stella dallas"... Maudlin, saccharine pap.

Listen, you,

How would you like to sit through A george brent comedy film festival?

Oh, god.

Yeah, so shut up And watch your step.

Hi.

Is it okay if I use Your men's room?

I'd just like to wash up.

Oh, yeah, sure. Go ahead.

Thank you.

I'm wendy.

I'm stan.

Well, I'd just like you to know

That I think you're Taking this very well, stan.

Thank you.

Oh, miss mcwilliams, You're still here.

Yes, well, I looked Through all the books,

But I just couldn't Find anybody.

Oh, um, harris?

Got everything, barn.

Well, uh, thank you For your cooperation.

I'm afraid there's Nothing more we can do.

You mean I have to leave?

We all do.

But you never found my Purse, and I don't have any money

Or my bus ticket Back to middle falls!

Well, I'm sorry, but, uh...

But I thought the police Were supposed to help people!

We are. We do.

Well, then, what about me?

Well, there's the victim's Aid center. Perhaps...

They close at 5:00, barn.

Oh.

Well, you wouldn't Treat me this way

If I were miss america.

Barn... Yeah?

Maybe there's Something I can do.

Yeah, fine, sure.

Now, look, wendy, he's Telling you the truth.

There is not much That we can do here.

- but, stan, I... - but wait, no, wait.

Uh, gentlemen, uh...

I was just leaving.

- let's go. - what's going on?

Let's go.

Did I do that?

No, no.

Well...

Uh, you've been here all Day. You're probably hungry.

So, uh, why don't we Go get something to eat,

And then we can, uh,

Figure out how to get You home tomorrow?

But I don't have any Place to stay tonight.

Well, uh... We'll Figure out something.

Let me get my coat.

Gee, it's... It's Awfully nice of you

To go out of your way Like this just for me.

It's okay.

W-what I mean is,

Considering everything You must have on your mind.

Well...

There ain't much I can do about it.

Well, maybe we could Figure that out, too.

Okay.

I'll see you tomorrow, barn.

Don't be late.