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1
00:00:03,300 --> 00:00:04,329
Think I bought enough meat?
2
00:00:04,330 --> 00:00:05,399
Enough?
3
00:00:05,400 --> 00:00:08,129
You've made cows extinct.
4
00:00:08,130 --> 00:00:10,429
"Level 3 Diploma
in Veterinary Nursing."
5
00:00:10,430 --> 00:00:12,629
Still can't believe
I've done it.
6
00:00:12,630 --> 00:00:13,799
ALAN: Exactly.
7
00:00:13,800 --> 00:00:15,399
Which is why we need
a barbecue worthy of it.
8
00:00:15,400 --> 00:00:16,829
ED: Oh, yes,
9
00:00:16,830 --> 00:00:18,899
what better way to celebrate
Lauren saving animals
10
00:00:18,900 --> 00:00:20,659
than to bung a few dead ones
on the barbie?
11
00:00:20,660 --> 00:00:23,829
Oh! Right, should I put it here,
pride of place?
12
00:00:23,830 --> 00:00:25,959
Uh, hello, diploma,
Alan, barbecue?
13
00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:27,959
I bet you 50 quid
it goes up in flames.
14
00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:30,899
I'm more than proficient using
the Griddleman 5000, thank you.
15
00:00:30,900 --> 00:00:31,959
Isn't she beautiful?
16
00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:33,599
Made from the same
materials
17
00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:34,799
they used on the space station.
18
00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:36,899
In theory, you could
barbecue on the moon with this!
19
00:00:36,900 --> 00:00:38,799
[American accent]
That's one small step for man,
20
00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:41,629
one giant leap for
coronary heart disease.
21
00:00:41,630 --> 00:00:43,459
You know, maybe I won't put
it out on display,
22
00:00:43,460 --> 00:00:45,299
all braggy.
23
00:00:45,300 --> 00:00:46,929
So I've finally qualified
as a veterinary nurse,
24
00:00:46,930 --> 00:00:47,929
is it so amazing?
25
00:00:47,930 --> 00:00:50,429
How often do animals
vomit on you?
26
00:00:50,430 --> 00:00:51,799
[Laughs]
Once a day.
27
00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:53,399
Scratch you, bite you?
28
00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:54,629
Four or five times a day,
at least.
29
00:00:54,630 --> 00:00:55,629
Exactly!
30
00:00:55,630 --> 00:00:59,329
We should shout this diploma
from the rooftops, eh, Alan?
31
00:00:59,330 --> 00:01:01,459
Alan?
32
00:01:01,460 --> 00:01:03,130
Alan, stop hugging the barbecue!
33
00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:14,200
Subtitle by peritta
34
00:01:16,230 --> 00:01:18,229
Come on,
we're going to be late!
35
00:01:18,230 --> 00:01:19,529
No, we're not.
36
00:01:19,530 --> 00:01:21,699
My phone says we'll be
there in 20 minutes.
37
00:01:21,700 --> 00:01:23,459
Hey, and I can get an app
38
00:01:23,460 --> 00:01:26,629
that tells me where my nearest
WH Smith's is!
39
00:01:26,630 --> 00:01:27,999
Yeah, it's a smartphone.
40
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:29,629
Welcome to the present day,
cavewoman.
41
00:01:29,630 --> 00:01:31,499
I can get dating apps, too.
42
00:01:31,500 --> 00:01:34,059
Ellie! And you, mister,
can forget any plans
43
00:01:34,060 --> 00:01:35,399
about pigging out
at this barbecue.
44
00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:36,459
How did you know?
45
00:01:36,460 --> 00:01:38,559
Elasticated.
Dead giveaway.
46
00:01:38,560 --> 00:01:40,329
Ellie!
47
00:01:40,330 --> 00:01:42,999
Men like meat.
Men need meat.
48
00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:44,699
How would you know?
You're no man.
49
00:01:44,700 --> 00:01:46,959
Spider in my hair.
50
00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:48,329
Get it off!
51
00:01:48,330 --> 00:01:49,559
-Get it off me!
-No!
52
00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:51,859
-Get it!
-No, no!
53
00:01:51,860 --> 00:01:55,399
-Get it off!
-No, I'm sorry!
54
00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:57,329
I'm sorry, son.
55
00:01:57,330 --> 00:02:00,129
Sorry, son!
56
00:02:00,130 --> 00:02:01,799
Spiders are my Kryptonite.
57
00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:03,399
Everyone has a weakness.
58
00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:05,699
Yeah, and mine's my dad.
59
00:02:05,700 --> 00:02:07,399
Everything you touch goes wrong.
60
00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:09,459
Oh, that's not true --
agh!
61
00:02:09,460 --> 00:02:10,729
Agh! Static!
62
00:02:10,730 --> 00:02:12,459
Sorry, Threepio,
it's these trackie bottoms.
63
00:02:12,460 --> 00:02:15,429
Finally!
64
00:02:15,430 --> 00:02:17,559
Oh, and there should be food
at this barbecue,
65
00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:19,729
so you don't have to kiss,
nibble, and lick Tim's face off
66
00:02:19,730 --> 00:02:23,099
like you normally do.
67
00:02:23,100 --> 00:02:25,429
Where's the shouting,
her sarcastic remark back?
68
00:02:25,430 --> 00:02:26,559
That was no fun.
69
00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:27,699
Oh, she's fine.
70
00:02:27,700 --> 00:02:28,929
Come on, let's go.
71
00:02:28,930 --> 00:02:30,259
-Aagh!
-Aagh!
72
00:02:30,260 --> 00:02:31,799
Go and change those bottoms,
Keith!
73
00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:33,529
-No, but --
-Now.
74
00:02:33,530 --> 00:02:35,960
[Groans]
75
00:02:39,700 --> 00:02:42,299
Not today, thank you.
76
00:02:42,300 --> 00:02:44,729
EMMA: I'm in no mood for quips,
Lauren.
77
00:02:44,730 --> 00:02:49,099
Not with your father being
an uncooperative monster.
78
00:02:49,100 --> 00:02:50,199
Monster!
79
00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:51,299
Oh, wind your neck in, Emma!
80
00:02:51,300 --> 00:02:52,859
He doesn't want to go
on a cruise.
81
00:02:52,860 --> 00:02:53,929
Instead of a week sailing
82
00:02:53,930 --> 00:02:56,599
majestically down
the Norwegian fjords,
83
00:02:56,600 --> 00:02:58,559
he'd sooner go to
the rainy Lake District --
84
00:02:58,560 --> 00:02:59,959
-yet again.
85
00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:01,359
I don't like boats!
What if it sinks?
86
00:03:01,360 --> 00:03:02,429
Sinks?!
87
00:03:02,430 --> 00:03:05,459
There's more chance of it
being attacked by a giant squid!
88
00:03:05,460 --> 00:03:08,959
It's a state-of-the-art vessel
with shops and a casino.
89
00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:10,959
Bound to be a target
for Somali pirates, then.
90
00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:12,799
Hey!
91
00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:14,659
Auntie Lauren!
92
00:03:14,660 --> 00:03:15,959
I need your help!
93
00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:17,299
I think...
94
00:03:17,300 --> 00:03:18,300
I think I'm pregnant.
95
00:03:19,660 --> 00:03:20,959
What?!
96
00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:21,959
Oh, thank you, Ellie!
97
00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:23,429
Thank you for hitting me
with this
98
00:03:23,430 --> 00:03:24,999
just before I was going
to say hello to your --
99
00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:27,099
Debs, Debs, you came in a car!
100
00:03:27,100 --> 00:03:28,099
Whoa, vroom-vroom.
101
00:03:28,100 --> 00:03:29,759
What time did you
start drinking?
102
00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:32,759
And thanks for offering
to carry some food in, Ellie.
103
00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:35,659
She's fine! She just wanted
to congratulate her clever aunt.
104
00:03:35,660 --> 00:03:36,659
Yeah, about this diploma,
105
00:03:36,660 --> 00:03:38,259
does it mean you don't
have to lance dogs' boils
106
00:03:38,260 --> 00:03:39,329
and pick up cat poo now?
107
00:03:39,330 --> 00:03:40,429
No, it just means I don't
108
00:03:40,430 --> 00:03:42,159
have to be supervised
to do all that now.
109
00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:44,329
Living the dream, Lauren.
110
00:03:44,330 --> 00:03:46,659
Any news?
111
00:03:46,660 --> 00:03:49,460
Oh, Mrs. Mason,
Mr. Mason.
112
00:03:54,330 --> 00:03:56,259
What's up with him?
113
00:03:56,260 --> 00:03:58,259
LAUREN: Um...
sunstroke!
114
00:03:58,260 --> 00:04:00,599
Ellie, would you like
to come with me --
115
00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:01,929
right now to um,
116
00:04:01,930 --> 00:04:04,559
to see some photographs
of some dogs' boils I've lanced?
117
00:04:04,560 --> 00:04:06,500
-Yeah.
-Yeah?!
118
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:14,659
-Who the hell are you?!
-Whoa!
119
00:04:14,660 --> 00:04:16,329
Phil, I'm Phil.
120
00:04:16,330 --> 00:04:19,329
We spoke on the phone about me
possibly doing your gardening.
121
00:04:19,330 --> 00:04:20,559
Why were you in the bush?
122
00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:22,899
I'm trying to listen to what's
going on over there.
123
00:04:22,900 --> 00:04:24,259
It can't be a birthday,
124
00:04:24,260 --> 00:04:26,859
I have those all marked
on the calendar.
125
00:04:26,860 --> 00:04:29,359
What if it's
an engagement party?!
126
00:04:29,360 --> 00:04:31,199
Ed's asked her to marry him?
127
00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:32,529
Or she's asked him?
128
00:04:32,530 --> 00:04:33,829
That'd be just like her,
129
00:04:33,830 --> 00:04:35,759
the little scheming
money-grabber!
130
00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:36,929
We'd better go over.
131
00:04:36,930 --> 00:04:38,159
Oh, I'm not invited.
132
00:04:38,160 --> 00:04:40,529
"Invited."
Don't worry about that.
133
00:04:40,530 --> 00:04:43,199
Plus, I can show you what
I want doing over there.
134
00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:44,259
But don't you live here?
135
00:04:44,260 --> 00:04:46,059
No, that's only temporary.
Chop-chop!
136
00:04:46,060 --> 00:04:47,429
You should probably flip
those now.
137
00:04:47,430 --> 00:04:49,429
Alan knows how to barbecue.
138
00:04:49,430 --> 00:04:52,099
He's a proper man,
not like you.
139
00:04:52,100 --> 00:04:55,099
I've got a teeny-weeny
phobia of...
140
00:04:55,100 --> 00:04:56,859
I don't actually like to say
their names,
141
00:04:56,860 --> 00:04:58,859
so he's got into his head
that I'm a terrible dad,
142
00:04:58,860 --> 00:05:00,259
a bad role model.
143
00:05:00,260 --> 00:05:01,959
He's scared of spiders.
144
00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:04,129
Spiders!
145
00:05:04,130 --> 00:05:06,429
And he plucks his eyebrows.
146
00:05:06,430 --> 00:05:07,729
Just to give better definition.
147
00:05:07,730 --> 00:05:09,159
There's nothing unmanly
about that.
148
00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:10,500
Bet you do it,
don't you, Alan?
149
00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:14,829
LYDIA:
So Lauren's passed an exam!
150
00:05:14,830 --> 00:05:16,159
Is that it?
Phew!
151
00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:18,599
I thought it was something
important you were celebrating.
152
00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:20,099
Can we go back to yours now?
153
00:05:20,100 --> 00:05:21,099
We just got here.
154
00:05:21,100 --> 00:05:23,899
Be rude not to accept
Eddie Bear's hospitality.
155
00:05:23,900 --> 00:05:25,599
Almost as rude as gate-crashing.
156
00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:27,959
Exactly, so go and get yourself
a beer, Phil,
157
00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:30,559
so I can find out how much
Lauren will be earning.
158
00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:32,259
Shoo!
159
00:05:32,260 --> 00:05:34,259
-Who's that?
-Gardener.
160
00:05:34,260 --> 00:05:37,329
Oh, thought for a minute you'd
found yourself a new fella.
161
00:05:37,330 --> 00:05:39,459
Done well.
162
00:05:39,460 --> 00:05:41,059
I have.
163
00:05:41,060 --> 00:05:43,229
Gardner is his surname.
164
00:05:43,230 --> 00:05:44,329
Phil Gardner.
165
00:05:44,330 --> 00:05:46,659
Handsome, devoted, fab in bed.
166
00:05:46,660 --> 00:05:48,459
Jealous?
167
00:05:48,460 --> 00:05:50,629
Mmm, think you will be.
168
00:05:50,630 --> 00:05:52,629
Phil -- darling!
169
00:05:52,630 --> 00:05:54,300
I'll have a Pimm's.
170
00:05:57,930 --> 00:06:00,159
See?!
171
00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:01,999
Some say I am pregnant,
others say I'm not.
172
00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:03,229
They're useless!
173
00:06:03,230 --> 00:06:05,229
Didn't you take precautions?
174
00:06:05,230 --> 00:06:07,299
I did, Tim didn't.
175
00:06:07,300 --> 00:06:10,559
He said condoms were bad
for the environment.
176
00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:12,629
Look -- happy face,
177
00:06:12,630 --> 00:06:15,699
another happy face, just
smirking at me
178
00:06:15,700 --> 00:06:17,459
that I've ruined my life!
179
00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:19,059
I'm gonna be a pregnant
teenager --
180
00:06:19,060 --> 00:06:22,399
just like my mum was.
181
00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:24,229
Oh, God, I'm gonna be my mum!
182
00:06:24,230 --> 00:06:26,059
[Sobbing]
183
00:06:26,060 --> 00:06:28,359
She has such a rubbish life.
184
00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:30,629
Hold on, this isn't
a pregnancy test.
185
00:06:30,630 --> 00:06:32,959
It's an ovulation test.
So is this one!
186
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:34,699
Did you not look
what you were buying?
187
00:06:34,700 --> 00:06:39,159
I just ran and got what I could,
paid, and ran back out.
188
00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:40,459
I didn't want anyone seeing me!
189
00:06:40,460 --> 00:06:43,699
The bad news is
you're a very dippy girl.
190
00:06:43,700 --> 00:06:45,229
The good news is you're
not pregnant.
191
00:06:45,230 --> 00:06:49,299
Positive ones are
ovulation tests,
192
00:06:49,300 --> 00:06:50,999
and these negative ones
are pregnancy tests.
193
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:54,059
You see?
You're just ovulating.
194
00:06:54,060 --> 00:06:56,399
-I'm just ovulating?
-Yes.
195
00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:58,829
I'm just ovulating!
196
00:06:58,830 --> 00:07:00,929
I'm just ovulating!
I'm just ovulating!
197
00:07:00,930 --> 00:07:02,859
I'm just ovulating!
198
00:07:02,860 --> 00:07:05,299
You won't tell my mum
about this?
199
00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:08,029
She'd kill me
just for having a scare.
200
00:07:08,030 --> 00:07:09,259
And me for helping you.
201
00:07:09,260 --> 00:07:10,359
My lips are sealed,
202
00:07:10,360 --> 00:07:13,559
locked, and I'm inputting
the four-digit security PIN.
203
00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:15,199
[Beeping]
204
00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:16,399
Now go!
I'll hide these away.
205
00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:17,859
Oh!
206
00:07:17,860 --> 00:07:19,760
I'm just ovulating!
207
00:07:20,900 --> 00:07:23,360
Go on, go on.
208
00:07:24,860 --> 00:07:26,359
"I'm just ovulating!"
209
00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:27,859
"I'm just ovulating!"
210
00:07:27,860 --> 00:07:28,859
"I'm just ovulating!"
211
00:07:28,860 --> 00:07:30,599
[Humming]
212
00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:33,199
[Exhales]
213
00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:34,259
[Blows raspberry]
214
00:07:34,260 --> 00:07:36,529
Are they pregnancy tests?
215
00:07:36,530 --> 00:07:39,429
No, toothbrushes.
216
00:07:39,430 --> 00:07:41,300
-Let me see.
-No.
217
00:07:42,460 --> 00:07:43,859
Let me in.
218
00:07:43,860 --> 00:07:45,129
Get out, this is occupied.
219
00:07:45,130 --> 00:07:46,729
Lauren, Lauren.
220
00:07:46,730 --> 00:07:48,629
Come on, come on!
221
00:07:48,630 --> 00:07:50,799
No, no, no, no, no!
Stop, I will pee myself!
222
00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:52,129
See this beautiful color --
223
00:07:52,130 --> 00:07:53,929
how I've sealed in
all the flavor?
224
00:07:53,930 --> 00:07:55,799
Yeah, just burger me, Alan.
225
00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:57,460
Just the one?
I'm having two.
226
00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:02,199
Good, 'cause I'm having three.
227
00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:03,659
Three? You won't be able
to eat three.
228
00:08:03,660 --> 00:08:04,859
Course I will!
229
00:08:04,860 --> 00:08:06,799
You know when it says
"family size," on a packet?
230
00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:08,599
I pronounce that "Keith size."
231
00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:09,999
Lame.
232
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:11,029
But he is a good eater.
233
00:08:11,030 --> 00:08:13,329
Once won a pie-eating contest
234
00:08:13,330 --> 00:08:15,759
and celebrated by eating
another pie.
235
00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:17,859
Proud of your old dad that day,
236
00:08:17,860 --> 00:08:19,459
weren't you, Threepio?
237
00:08:19,460 --> 00:08:21,129
Give me three burgers, now.
238
00:08:21,130 --> 00:08:22,529
You won't manage to eat them.
239
00:08:22,530 --> 00:08:25,499
Don't judge me by your own
pathetic standards, Alan.
240
00:08:25,500 --> 00:08:27,099
For your information,
I could eat you
241
00:08:27,100 --> 00:08:28,299
under the table if I wanted to.
242
00:08:28,300 --> 00:08:29,799
Eat me under?
243
00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:31,459
I was once thrown out of
the Pizza Hut buffet
244
00:08:31,460 --> 00:08:32,529
for eating too much.
245
00:08:32,530 --> 00:08:34,759
Thrown out?
246
00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:35,799
This...
247
00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:39,459
is banned for life!
248
00:08:39,460 --> 00:08:41,199
I knew it, oh!
249
00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:42,829
I knew we weren't
invited round
250
00:08:42,830 --> 00:08:46,129
just to celebrate you passing
some dumb exam.
251
00:08:46,130 --> 00:08:47,659
Hundreds of hours of study.
252
00:08:47,660 --> 00:08:48,659
Don't get me wrong,
253
00:08:48,660 --> 00:08:50,659
I still think you're bonkers
having a kid
254
00:08:50,660 --> 00:08:52,699
with a man who's old enough
to remember gaslight,
255
00:08:52,700 --> 00:08:54,999
but now that it's happened,
great!
256
00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:58,859
Plus, you were there for me
when I ruined my life.
257
00:08:58,860 --> 00:09:01,029
Yeah, though,
actually I was more there
258
00:09:01,030 --> 00:09:02,899
for your funny mood swings.
259
00:09:02,900 --> 00:09:05,199
-Ow!
-Sorry, sorry!
260
00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:06,529
Have you told Mum and Dad?
261
00:09:06,530 --> 00:09:08,359
No!
262
00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:09,429
And I'm not going to.
263
00:09:09,430 --> 00:09:11,699
I mean, I will, just not today.
Not until...
264
00:09:11,700 --> 00:09:13,499
You need to tell Ed's
kids first, don't you?
265
00:09:13,500 --> 00:09:14,899
Yeah. Because any new baby's
266
00:09:14,900 --> 00:09:16,429
gonna cut into
their inheritance.
267
00:09:16,430 --> 00:09:19,659
Yeah, that,
what you said there.
268
00:09:19,660 --> 00:09:21,599
No, no, no, no, no, no.
269
00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:23,499
Let me do that.
270
00:09:23,500 --> 00:09:24,999
I'm not an invalid,
I can do it.
271
00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:27,199
Look, I've been pregnant,
and I know that your body's
272
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:28,899
at a very delicate stage
right now.
273
00:09:28,900 --> 00:09:30,159
I'm perfectly capable, Deb.
274
00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:32,029
-Now, will you move, and let --
-Uh-uh!
275
00:09:32,030 --> 00:09:35,599
I said I'm doing it,
so back off!
276
00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:36,599
Oop.
277
00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:39,730
My hormones have started
to kick in, then.
278
00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:46,059
Handsome, isn't he?
279
00:09:46,060 --> 00:09:48,099
You know when someone's right
for you, don't you?
280
00:09:48,100 --> 00:09:51,499
Yes, until they don't want to
go on a cruise.
281
00:09:51,500 --> 00:09:53,429
Why don't we let Lydia decide?
282
00:09:53,430 --> 00:09:56,899
Lydia, would you sooner go
on holiday with me
283
00:09:56,900 --> 00:09:58,099
to the beautiful Lake District,
284
00:09:58,100 --> 00:09:59,999
or spend a week
on a Norwegian boat
285
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,199
with Emma, most likely
fending off Vikings?
286
00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:04,199
Honestly?
287
00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:07,060
I'd rather die than be seen
on holiday with either of you.
288
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:10,329
EMMA: What are you
so happy about?
289
00:10:10,330 --> 00:10:12,699
It must be the sun.
Ellie's just the same.
290
00:10:12,700 --> 00:10:14,529
No, she isn't.
She's got the grumps.
291
00:10:14,530 --> 00:10:15,559
[Ellie humming]
292
00:10:15,560 --> 00:10:17,099
CLIVE: Okay, how about this --
293
00:10:17,100 --> 00:10:18,729
we go to the lakes,
294
00:10:18,730 --> 00:10:21,399
but you can take a boat trip
on Lake Windermere.
295
00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:24,659
Clive, do you want
to wear this drink?
296
00:10:24,660 --> 00:10:25,859
So much hate.
297
00:10:25,860 --> 00:10:27,860
Phil and I never argue
like this.
298
00:10:32,260 --> 00:10:35,599
You told your sister
you were pregnant?!
299
00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:37,059
If you wanted to liven up
the barbecue,
300
00:10:37,060 --> 00:10:38,429
you could've just
put some music on!
301
00:10:38,430 --> 00:10:39,729
I had to cover for Ellie!
302
00:10:39,730 --> 00:10:40,859
What else could I say?
303
00:10:40,860 --> 00:10:41,859
Uh, let me think.
304
00:10:41,860 --> 00:10:43,899
That you weren't pregnant,
because Ellie wasn't?
305
00:10:43,900 --> 00:10:45,599
So there weren't
any positive tests?
306
00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:47,359
-Oh, yeah.
-Uh-huh.
307
00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:48,859
Oh!
308
00:10:48,860 --> 00:10:50,859
Grr -- hindsight!
309
00:10:50,860 --> 00:10:52,229
Don't worry,
Debs won't say anything.
310
00:10:52,230 --> 00:10:54,499
And what happens when you
don't start showing,
311
00:10:54,500 --> 00:10:55,899
When I don't
start painting bears
312
00:10:55,900 --> 00:10:57,359
on the nursery walls
we don't have?
313
00:10:57,360 --> 00:11:00,729
Well, then I'll tell Ellie
to come clean, just not today.
314
00:11:00,730 --> 00:11:01,729
Because then Debs will react,
315
00:11:01,730 --> 00:11:02,729
then my mum will react,
316
00:11:02,730 --> 00:11:04,499
and then I will react,
and my day will be ruined.
317
00:11:04,500 --> 00:11:07,759
Besides, it's good practice
for when I really am pregnant.
318
00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:09,159
What?!
319
00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:11,629
I haven't seen that face before.
What's that face?
320
00:11:11,630 --> 00:11:12,829
I haven't got a mirror,
321
00:11:12,830 --> 00:11:15,599
but I'd hazard to guess it's my
"She wants kids" face.
322
00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:17,259
Oh...
323
00:11:17,260 --> 00:11:18,299
Then this...
324
00:11:18,300 --> 00:11:20,599
is probably my "Oh, my God,
he doesn't want kids" face.
325
00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:21,759
I thought we'd talked
about this?
326
00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:23,129
-No.
-Yes!
327
00:11:23,130 --> 00:11:24,659
When?
328
00:11:24,660 --> 00:11:26,559
Ah, little advert baby,
329
00:11:26,560 --> 00:11:30,059
all dry because of his new
nappy's new super absorbent
330
00:11:30,060 --> 00:11:31,259
hex-weave lining.
331
00:11:31,260 --> 00:11:33,829
[Chuckles]
332
00:11:33,830 --> 00:11:37,129
Ed, would you, um...
333
00:11:37,130 --> 00:11:38,899
would you like another
baby one day?
334
00:11:38,900 --> 00:11:40,829
Yes!
Oh, yes.
335
00:11:40,830 --> 00:11:43,729
Great. Just asking because --
oh, my God!
336
00:11:43,730 --> 00:11:44,999
New flavor Kit-Kats!
337
00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:47,399
Curse you, Kit-Kats.
338
00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:48,929
Curse you, Angry Birds.
339
00:11:48,930 --> 00:11:50,399
Lauren, I'm 59.
340
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:51,899
When we started seeing
each other,
341
00:11:51,900 --> 00:11:54,799
I naturally presumed you
knew I didn't want more kids.
342
00:11:54,800 --> 00:11:55,929
No!
343
00:11:55,930 --> 00:11:57,429
Wow, this is big.
344
00:11:57,430 --> 00:11:58,559
This is huge!
345
00:11:58,560 --> 00:12:00,899
I wish we'd talked
about this sooner!
346
00:12:00,900 --> 00:12:02,730
Grr -- hindsight!
347
00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:06,959
Sorry.
348
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:08,859
So we're agreed,
349
00:12:08,860 --> 00:12:10,029
the last man still standing --
350
00:12:10,030 --> 00:12:12,229
Hold on. No one said anything
about having to stand.
351
00:12:12,230 --> 00:12:15,359
Okay, the last man
still eating
352
00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:17,529
is declared the winner.
353
00:12:17,530 --> 00:12:20,199
Fine, but I'll give you
one last chance to pull out.
354
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:21,999
No one's ever beaten me
at eating before.
355
00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:23,499
It's something
I'm very proud of.
356
00:12:23,500 --> 00:12:26,229
Spare me your mind games, Alan.
357
00:12:26,230 --> 00:12:28,059
My son thinks I'm an idiot,
358
00:12:28,060 --> 00:12:29,699
so I'm going to win back
his admiration
359
00:12:29,700 --> 00:12:32,059
by eating as much food
as possible.
360
00:12:32,060 --> 00:12:34,460
In that case,
choose your weapon.
361
00:12:36,130 --> 00:12:37,499
ALAN: Thought you had
a big appetite.
362
00:12:37,500 --> 00:12:39,800
You haven't even
put any extras on.
363
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:44,059
I was just going to.
364
00:12:44,060 --> 00:12:45,329
One...
365
00:12:45,330 --> 00:12:46,729
two...
366
00:12:46,730 --> 00:12:48,699
three pieces
of cheese.
367
00:12:48,700 --> 00:12:49,699
Is that it?
368
00:12:49,700 --> 00:12:53,399
I'll see your one, two, three
slices of cheese,
369
00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:55,799
and raise you a tomato.
370
00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:57,359
As will I.
371
00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:58,899
And some lettuce.
372
00:12:58,900 --> 00:13:02,100
And another burger.
373
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:04,800
I was just getting
round to that.
374
00:13:15,230 --> 00:13:17,629
Wasn't expecting all this,
but if it's all for free.
375
00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:18,629
Quite.
376
00:13:18,630 --> 00:13:20,629
So you and Lydia.
377
00:13:20,630 --> 00:13:21,959
How on earth did you two
get together?
378
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:23,959
Oh, simple.
379
00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:25,899
She just got my number off
a friend, rang me,
380
00:13:25,900 --> 00:13:27,599
and asked I'd be interested
in coming over.
381
00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:28,629
We've only just met,
382
00:13:28,630 --> 00:13:30,899
but I'm looking forward to
getting stuck in.
383
00:13:30,900 --> 00:13:32,729
At the end of day, though,
384
00:13:32,730 --> 00:13:34,530
I suppose it's how much she's
prepared to pay for it.
385
00:13:35,460 --> 00:13:36,529
Pay for it?
386
00:13:36,530 --> 00:13:37,929
Oh, don't get me wrong,
387
00:13:37,930 --> 00:13:39,629
I'm not all about the money.
388
00:13:39,630 --> 00:13:40,899
I take great pride in my work.
389
00:13:40,900 --> 00:13:43,399
I could give you my card
if you like.
390
00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:44,559
That won't be necessary.
391
00:13:44,560 --> 00:13:45,629
I have a husband.
392
00:13:45,630 --> 00:13:46,899
Oh, the chap over there?
393
00:13:46,900 --> 00:13:48,029
Don't you ever worry
394
00:13:48,030 --> 00:13:49,629
it might be getting too much
for him at his age?
395
00:13:49,630 --> 00:13:50,729
I bed your pardon!
396
00:13:50,730 --> 00:13:52,359
There's no shame in it.
397
00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:54,399
I help a few wives whose
husbands can't do it,
398
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:56,929
or need me to join in
and lend a hand.
399
00:13:56,930 --> 00:13:59,429
It's hard work,
all that stretching
400
00:13:59,430 --> 00:14:01,029
and kneeling and bending over.
401
00:14:01,030 --> 00:14:03,259
You don't want him putting
his back out, do you?
402
00:14:03,260 --> 00:14:05,200
I think this
conversation is over!
403
00:14:09,630 --> 00:14:12,600
Give me three good reasons why
you don't want to have a baby.
404
00:14:13,830 --> 00:14:15,199
Bel.
405
00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:16,429
Babybel.
406
00:14:16,430 --> 00:14:19,359
I'm too old for a baby -- bel.
407
00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:21,259
You're the one always saying
you feel like a 20-year-old.
408
00:14:21,260 --> 00:14:23,299
And wouldn't we be happier
with a baby?
409
00:14:23,300 --> 00:14:26,259
Bel?
410
00:14:26,260 --> 00:14:27,929
They're really hard work.
411
00:14:27,930 --> 00:14:30,499
You have to focus on them,
day and night, year after year.
412
00:14:30,500 --> 00:14:32,829
Look, remember, I've had them
before, you haven't.
413
00:14:32,830 --> 00:14:35,930
Yeah, and it sounds like
I never will, either.
414
00:14:39,830 --> 00:14:41,199
Everything all right, pickle?
415
00:14:41,200 --> 00:14:43,299
Yeah, just Auntie Lauren
and Uncle Ed,
416
00:14:43,300 --> 00:14:45,760
they are, like, really
passionate about cheese.
417
00:14:49,500 --> 00:14:51,999
DEBS: She shouldn't be drinking.
418
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:53,129
Who, Lauren?
419
00:14:53,130 --> 00:14:54,129
Why not?
420
00:14:54,130 --> 00:14:55,759
Because uh --
421
00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:56,829
because it's cheap wine.
422
00:14:56,830 --> 00:14:58,429
I thought Ed would've
bought better.
423
00:14:58,430 --> 00:15:00,659
Don't give me the look, Dad.
424
00:15:00,660 --> 00:15:01,659
I'm not 15,
425
00:15:01,660 --> 00:15:04,359
and I'm not going to buckle just
because you give me the look.
426
00:15:04,360 --> 00:15:06,099
Lauren's pregnant.
427
00:15:06,100 --> 00:15:07,759
But they can't
announce it today,
428
00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:09,599
so you can't say anything
to anyone --
429
00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:10,659
not even Mum.
430
00:15:10,660 --> 00:15:13,199
Why can't Lauren say anything?
431
00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:15,229
Deborah?
432
00:15:15,230 --> 00:15:17,929
DEBS: Oh, it's complicated --
stuff to do with his family.
433
00:15:17,930 --> 00:15:18,929
I see.
434
00:15:18,930 --> 00:15:21,499
Still...
another grandchild!
435
00:15:21,500 --> 00:15:24,399
Fantastic!
436
00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:26,259
I knew there was something.
437
00:15:26,260 --> 00:15:29,659
I know when my daughter's
keeping a secret from me.
438
00:15:29,660 --> 00:15:32,360
Yeah, so do I.
439
00:15:48,860 --> 00:15:51,399
CHARLIE: Come on, you can do it.
Come on, for me!
440
00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:53,199
How much do you want
that burger?
441
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:54,559
-Does it hurt?
-Mmm.
442
00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:55,560
Good!
443
00:16:27,230 --> 00:16:29,630
[Coughing]
444
00:16:31,100 --> 00:16:32,799
You're a machine,
445
00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:34,259
but I'm still bigger than you --
446
00:16:34,260 --> 00:16:35,659
in mind, and most
definitely in body.
447
00:16:35,660 --> 00:16:38,129
Uh, news flash --
David
448
00:16:38,130 --> 00:16:39,459
beat Goliath.
449
00:16:39,460 --> 00:16:41,900
David and Goliath weren't
eating burgers, sonny.
450
00:16:49,230 --> 00:16:50,799
Plenty of food outside, Debs.
451
00:16:50,800 --> 00:16:53,559
No need to forage
through our bins.
452
00:16:53,560 --> 00:16:55,259
It all makes sense.
453
00:16:55,260 --> 00:16:56,999
Ellie's so worried
about something
454
00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:58,499
she couldn't even cheek me back.
455
00:16:58,500 --> 00:17:00,829
Then she rushes off to have
a private word with you,
456
00:17:00,830 --> 00:17:03,999
after, she's happy,
but you're pregnant.
457
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:05,159
These are hers!
458
00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:07,359
Ooh, you think you're so
Sherlock Holmes,
459
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:08,499
don't you?
460
00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:09,529
Please don't shout at her.
461
00:17:09,530 --> 00:17:10,529
It was a false alarm.
462
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:13,359
And a big family row is
the last thing I need right now.
463
00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:15,399
Ah, what's the matter?
464
00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:17,229
Is your swimming pool
one degree too cold?
465
00:17:17,230 --> 00:17:18,559
Ed doesn't want to
have kids with me.
466
00:17:18,560 --> 00:17:20,399
-Ah.
-Don't you dare
467
00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:21,899
say, "I told you so."
468
00:17:21,900 --> 00:17:23,459
-I wasn't going to.
-Or, "Oh, well, Lauren,
469
00:17:23,460 --> 00:17:24,459
that's the risk
you were always
470
00:17:24,460 --> 00:17:25,629
going to take,
seeing an older man."
471
00:17:25,630 --> 00:17:26,729
I wasn't going to.
472
00:17:26,730 --> 00:17:28,159
Or, "Well, if you want kids now,
473
00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:30,059
you're going to have to
split up with Ed,
474
00:17:30,060 --> 00:17:31,829
who you love,
and find someone else."
475
00:17:31,830 --> 00:17:33,329
I wasn't going to,
but it's a good point.
476
00:17:33,330 --> 00:17:35,299
Don't you think I haven't
thought about that?!
477
00:17:35,300 --> 00:17:36,829
Lauren, you need to calm down,
478
00:17:36,830 --> 00:17:38,559
-get out of crazy town.
-Sorry.
479
00:17:38,560 --> 00:17:41,559
It's just that this is really
big, you know?
480
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:43,299
I had these dreams
481
00:17:43,300 --> 00:17:46,499
for me and Ed,
for our future.
482
00:17:46,500 --> 00:17:48,130
I just need some advice.
483
00:17:49,460 --> 00:17:51,499
[Sobs]
484
00:17:51,500 --> 00:17:53,629
Debs!
485
00:17:53,630 --> 00:17:56,359
Debs, Debs?
486
00:17:56,360 --> 00:17:57,899
[Squeaks]
487
00:17:57,900 --> 00:18:00,900
I need to
wash my hands first!
488
00:18:04,360 --> 00:18:06,359
Why weren't you more careful?
489
00:18:06,360 --> 00:18:09,529
We were careful...ish.
490
00:18:09,530 --> 00:18:10,899
And Ellie isn't pregnant anyway,
491
00:18:10,900 --> 00:18:12,429
So if anything
we can be less careful.
492
00:18:12,430 --> 00:18:14,359
Thin ice, Tim, thin ice.
493
00:18:14,360 --> 00:18:15,399
Because of your libido,
494
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:17,729
Debs thinks Lauren and I
are having a baby.
495
00:18:17,730 --> 00:18:20,229
Really?
Congratulations.
496
00:18:20,230 --> 00:18:22,199
"Congratulations"?
It's not fact, you prat!
497
00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:25,429
Lauren lied to cover your arses!
I don't want another baby.
498
00:18:25,430 --> 00:18:28,359
What? You're not even going to
talk about it with her?
499
00:18:28,360 --> 00:18:29,729
Give me one good reason.
500
00:18:29,730 --> 00:18:32,229
It'd be cool to have
a mini baby uncle or auntie.
501
00:18:32,230 --> 00:18:33,429
It's trippy.
502
00:18:33,430 --> 00:18:34,899
Give me one good reason.
503
00:18:34,900 --> 00:18:35,959
Everyone adores babies,
504
00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:37,529
take the focus off
me and Ellie.
505
00:18:37,530 --> 00:18:38,959
Give me one good reason.
506
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:41,859
You love Lauren,
and you want to make her happy.
507
00:18:41,860 --> 00:18:44,459
There is that.
508
00:18:44,460 --> 00:18:46,859
Exactly.
So at least consider it.
509
00:18:46,860 --> 00:18:49,129
And don't worry,
I'd help out with Uncle Baby.
510
00:18:49,130 --> 00:18:50,699
I could move back in!
511
00:18:50,700 --> 00:18:52,359
Me and Ellie!
512
00:18:52,360 --> 00:18:55,259
We could help feed him,
take him for walks.
513
00:18:55,260 --> 00:18:56,259
For a fee, of course,
514
00:18:56,260 --> 00:18:57,899
but we can talk about
money later.
515
00:18:57,900 --> 00:18:59,560
Ow!
516
00:19:03,030 --> 00:19:04,599
Look at his abs.
517
00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:06,199
You could play them
like a skiffle board.
518
00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:08,329
Yes, well, keep him away
from my family.
519
00:19:08,330 --> 00:19:10,929
Also, you shouldn't brag,
not if you have to pay for it.
520
00:19:10,930 --> 00:19:13,699
Pay?
What Phil and I have is real.
521
00:19:13,700 --> 00:19:15,159
He's taking me on a trip soon.
522
00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:16,999
Where to,
the nearest lay-by?
523
00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:18,799
The Norwegian fjords, actually.
524
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:20,459
A cruise.
525
00:19:20,460 --> 00:19:22,129
Yes, it sounded nice
from your blabbing,
526
00:19:22,130 --> 00:19:23,430
so Phil's agreed
to treat me.
527
00:19:24,860 --> 00:19:27,999
You may need some sun lotion,
Lauren's Mum.
528
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,130
Getting a touch red
in the face there.
529
00:19:30,660 --> 00:19:32,529
GROUP: Chew! Chew! Chew!
530
00:19:32,530 --> 00:19:34,359
Chew! Chew! Chew!
531
00:19:34,360 --> 00:19:36,199
Chew! Chew! Chew! Chew!
532
00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:38,429
When you've quite finished
being a hooligan,
533
00:19:38,430 --> 00:19:40,499
I demand that you take me
on that cruise, Clive.
534
00:19:40,500 --> 00:19:42,959
Otherwise, I'll start making
your life very difficult.
535
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:44,629
You've been doing that
for the past 37 years!
536
00:19:44,630 --> 00:19:48,129
Gigolo Phil's taking Lydia
on a cruise -- my cruise!
537
00:19:48,130 --> 00:19:49,429
So please can we go?
538
00:19:49,430 --> 00:19:51,329
It's not as if we've any
responsibilities
539
00:19:51,330 --> 00:19:52,599
now the kids are all grown.
540
00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:53,959
And we can afford it.
541
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:55,099
Ah, that's where you're wrong.
542
00:19:55,100 --> 00:19:57,659
We might need some money if --
543
00:19:57,660 --> 00:20:00,129
If? What, Clive?
544
00:20:00,130 --> 00:20:01,499
I can't say --
my lips are sealed.
545
00:20:01,500 --> 00:20:03,299
And your jaw will be wired shut
546
00:20:03,300 --> 00:20:06,359
if you don't tell me
what's going on!
547
00:20:06,360 --> 00:20:08,929
Oh, okay, I'll tell you...
548
00:20:08,930 --> 00:20:11,100
if you agree to holiday
in the Lakes.
549
00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:16,659
I was just coming to find you.
550
00:20:16,660 --> 00:20:17,859
Me, too.
551
00:20:17,860 --> 00:20:19,759
I mean, I wasn't trying
to find myself --
552
00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:20,999
I did that at Machu Picchu --
553
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:24,599
I was finding you to say
I don't want us to have a baby.
554
00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:26,099
I think we should have a baby.
555
00:20:26,100 --> 00:20:27,429
What?
556
00:20:27,430 --> 00:20:28,929
I've just been thinking.
557
00:20:28,930 --> 00:20:31,599
I had a chat with Tim,
and I've realized
558
00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:33,659
it's selfish of me
to deny you children.
559
00:20:33,660 --> 00:20:36,099
No, no, no, no!
I've been talking to Debs,
560
00:20:36,100 --> 00:20:38,299
and crying to her,
and shouting at her,
561
00:20:38,300 --> 00:20:40,029
and I've realized
it's wrong of me
562
00:20:40,030 --> 00:20:41,459
to expect you to want
to have kids again.
563
00:20:41,460 --> 00:20:44,429
I know I am old...er,
564
00:20:44,430 --> 00:20:47,529
but you can mash up my food
with the baby's.
565
00:20:47,530 --> 00:20:50,029
You've worked and cared
for your family all your life.
566
00:20:50,030 --> 00:20:52,199
Now it's your turn to travel,
to see the world.
567
00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:53,699
Home is where the heart is.
568
00:20:53,700 --> 00:20:55,129
I think you will find
that's the Maldives.
569
00:20:55,130 --> 00:20:57,859
But if I have a baby,
then this...
570
00:20:57,860 --> 00:21:02,259
this will all turn into this.
571
00:21:02,260 --> 00:21:04,099
I find that very attractive.
572
00:21:04,100 --> 00:21:05,499
-Do you?
-Mmm.
573
00:21:05,500 --> 00:21:06,729
Oh!
574
00:21:06,730 --> 00:21:08,929
Plus, how do you think
my mum would react
575
00:21:08,930 --> 00:21:11,259
if I told her I was having
a child with a man
576
00:21:11,260 --> 00:21:12,759
old enough to be my sexy dad?
577
00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:14,359
EMMA: What?!
578
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:16,029
Like that, I imagine.
579
00:21:16,030 --> 00:21:17,029
Mm.
580
00:21:17,030 --> 00:21:18,399
Mum?
581
00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:20,999
Your father's just told me!
Is it true?
582
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:21,999
Are you pregnant?!
583
00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:24,199
Lo siento, no hablo ingl?s.
584
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:26,399
Lauren!
Don't worry, I'm not angry.
585
00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:29,059
I'm happy for you.
Surprised, stunned,
586
00:21:29,060 --> 00:21:31,329
extremely anxious about
the rest of your life --
587
00:21:31,330 --> 00:21:32,359
-but happy.
-I'm not pregnant.
588
00:21:32,360 --> 00:21:33,359
Yes, you are!
589
00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:34,359
I think I'd know!
590
00:21:34,360 --> 00:21:35,429
-You look pregnant.
-Thank you!
591
00:21:35,430 --> 00:21:36,899
Thank you, whoever you are.
592
00:21:36,900 --> 00:21:38,559
I'm not pregnant,
I'm not up the duff.
593
00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:40,259
The stork ain't stopping here!
594
00:21:40,260 --> 00:21:41,259
But it may do soon.
595
00:21:41,260 --> 00:21:42,729
We are going to
try for a baby.
596
00:21:42,730 --> 00:21:44,829
CLIVE: They're having one!
Debs told me.
597
00:21:44,830 --> 00:21:47,029
Uh, sorry, yeah, that was
before I knew
598
00:21:47,030 --> 00:21:49,259
that Lauren was covering
for Ellie.
599
00:21:49,260 --> 00:21:51,929
That's right!
Mummy knows all about it.
600
00:21:51,930 --> 00:21:53,499
EMMA:
So it's Ellie who's pregnant?
601
00:21:53,500 --> 00:21:55,429
How could you let this happen?
602
00:21:55,430 --> 00:21:57,059
What are you blaming me for?
603
00:21:57,060 --> 00:22:00,799
I'm not pregnant, Grandma!
604
00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:03,899
[All arguing]
605
00:22:03,900 --> 00:22:05,329
Shouldn't we get back out there?
606
00:22:05,330 --> 00:22:07,759
What if someone else announces
they aren't pregnant?
607
00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:09,829
Why are you telling people
we're going to try for a baby?
608
00:22:09,830 --> 00:22:10,999
Because we are.
I want one.
609
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:12,959
Ed! Stop lying!
610
00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:14,129
I'm happy as we are.
611
00:22:14,130 --> 00:22:17,059
I'm not bothered about
some crying, snotty baby...
612
00:22:17,060 --> 00:22:20,229
with fresh baby smell
and cute tiny toes.
613
00:22:20,230 --> 00:22:22,629
Okay, let's try this.
614
00:22:22,630 --> 00:22:23,729
Without being kind,
615
00:22:23,730 --> 00:22:25,659
without worrying about
the other person's feelings,
616
00:22:25,660 --> 00:22:26,899
let's just say
what we really want.
617
00:22:26,900 --> 00:22:28,059
Agreed?
618
00:22:28,060 --> 00:22:29,429
1, 2, 3.
I honestly don't want a baby.
619
00:22:29,430 --> 00:22:30,429
I want to be a dad again.
620
00:22:30,430 --> 00:22:31,929
-You're such a liar!
-It takes one to know one.
621
00:22:31,930 --> 00:22:34,159
I couldn't tell you because I
knew you'd react like this!
622
00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:35,399
DEBS: Like what?
623
00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:38,299
I don't know,
like -- like Grandma.
624
00:22:38,300 --> 00:22:39,759
I'm nothing like my mum!
625
00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:41,129
EMMA: She's nothing like me!
626
00:22:41,130 --> 00:22:43,299
And she's handling this
all the wrong way.
627
00:22:43,300 --> 00:22:44,399
Watch and learn.
628
00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:46,499
Clive, on me.
629
00:22:46,500 --> 00:22:49,299
I'm with Tim, Mum.
630
00:22:49,300 --> 00:22:50,899
And there's nothing
you can say or do
631
00:22:50,900 --> 00:22:51,899
to stop us being together
632
00:22:51,900 --> 00:22:54,899
or stop us doing...
that.
633
00:22:54,900 --> 00:22:57,159
She means sex,
Sweet Mama Debbie.
634
00:22:57,160 --> 00:22:59,459
EMMA: It's bad enough your ex
is seeing my daughter,
635
00:22:59,460 --> 00:23:00,899
but your grandson
636
00:23:00,900 --> 00:23:03,299
leading my poor, innocent Ellie
astray is something else!
637
00:23:03,300 --> 00:23:05,029
I think you'll find
it's the other way around.
638
00:23:05,030 --> 00:23:06,199
Chav!
639
00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:08,559
Tell her, Phil.
640
00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:10,059
I shouldn't get involved.
641
00:23:10,060 --> 00:23:11,729
I only came here today
because of my job.
642
00:23:11,730 --> 00:23:14,529
The least said about that,
the better, don't you, lad?
643
00:23:14,530 --> 00:23:16,029
Why? I'm good at my job.
644
00:23:16,030 --> 00:23:17,529
I'll do wonders for Lydia.
645
00:23:17,530 --> 00:23:18,559
CLIVE: Oh, I'm sure you will.
646
00:23:18,560 --> 00:23:21,059
And charge a handsome price
for it too.
647
00:23:21,060 --> 00:23:22,729
I'll only need to come round
twice a week.
648
00:23:22,730 --> 00:23:24,459
If I get really mucky,
get stuck in,
649
00:23:24,460 --> 00:23:26,529
that should be enough.
650
00:23:26,530 --> 00:23:28,859
Though her bush at the front
needs pruning back.
651
00:23:28,860 --> 00:23:29,999
Have you seen it?
652
00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:32,799
You filthy pervert!
653
00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:34,859
Ooh! Families are awesome.
654
00:23:34,860 --> 00:23:36,829
I kind of wish we
were starting one now.
655
00:23:36,830 --> 00:23:37,899
Aww!
656
00:23:37,900 --> 00:23:39,159
Well, before you do...
657
00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:40,729
Ellie, you're right,
there's nothing I can say
658
00:23:40,730 --> 00:23:41,859
to stop you doing that,
659
00:23:41,860 --> 00:23:46,359
but there is something
that I can show you.
660
00:23:46,360 --> 00:23:47,899
Ohh!
661
00:23:47,900 --> 00:23:49,129
Is that a car accident?
662
00:23:49,130 --> 00:23:50,899
That, young lovers,
is what happens
663
00:23:50,900 --> 00:23:54,899
to a mummy's body when a baby is
squeezed right out of it.
664
00:23:54,900 --> 00:23:58,059
Look at the lady's face, all
contorted in screams and agony.
665
00:23:58,060 --> 00:24:00,459
No, Tim, no.
666
00:24:00,460 --> 00:24:02,299
Mwah!
667
00:24:02,300 --> 00:24:05,359
You told them we were lovers?
668
00:24:05,360 --> 00:24:08,299
I'm your gardener.
I'm not even that yet.
669
00:24:08,300 --> 00:24:10,429
But don't you feel the chemistry
between us?
670
00:24:10,430 --> 00:24:13,059
Don't fight it, lover.
671
00:24:13,060 --> 00:24:14,129
[Scoffs]
672
00:24:14,130 --> 00:24:16,960
Don't go!
Phil!
673
00:24:18,230 --> 00:24:21,730
Fine. Throw away what we had.
674
00:24:23,060 --> 00:24:26,430
But see you on the cruise!
675
00:24:34,030 --> 00:24:35,759
Extreme eating
676
00:24:35,760 --> 00:24:37,759
was the one thing
677
00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:39,429
I was best at.
678
00:24:39,430 --> 00:24:41,399
I don't even have that now.
679
00:24:41,400 --> 00:24:42,430
I'm ruined.
680
00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:48,799
That's it.
681
00:24:48,800 --> 00:24:50,029
I'm out.
682
00:24:50,030 --> 00:24:51,059
You're full?
683
00:24:51,060 --> 00:24:52,859
You-you can't be.
684
00:24:52,860 --> 00:24:54,899
You've not even started
sweating yet.
685
00:24:54,900 --> 00:24:57,559
Who truly understands
the mysteries of the stomach?
686
00:24:57,560 --> 00:25:01,359
All I know is
I can't take another bite.
687
00:25:01,360 --> 00:25:04,260
But if Alan can...
688
00:25:21,330 --> 00:25:24,099
I won!
689
00:25:24,100 --> 00:25:25,359
I won!
690
00:25:25,360 --> 00:25:27,629
Such a loser.
691
00:25:27,630 --> 00:25:30,459
Charlie.
Hold on.
692
00:25:30,460 --> 00:25:32,129
Don't make me run, I'll burst.
693
00:25:32,130 --> 00:25:33,259
Charlie!
694
00:25:33,260 --> 00:25:36,329
Okay, yes, I let Alan win.
695
00:25:36,330 --> 00:25:38,159
But only 'cause it means more
to him.
696
00:25:38,160 --> 00:25:40,199
I've got a son,
whether he likes me or not.
697
00:25:40,200 --> 00:25:43,699
Alan hasn't got that,
so I couldn't take his title.
698
00:25:43,700 --> 00:25:45,499
I suppose that is pretty cool.
699
00:25:45,500 --> 00:25:48,130
So am I a brilliant dad again?
700
00:25:51,930 --> 00:25:54,429
Ants!
Ants in your hair!
701
00:25:54,430 --> 00:25:56,259
-Get 'em out!
-No chance! They bite!
702
00:25:56,260 --> 00:25:57,699
They have wars!
703
00:25:57,700 --> 00:25:59,099
[Both screaming]
704
00:25:59,100 --> 00:26:02,429
See? Your mum does know
something about the world.
705
00:26:02,430 --> 00:26:04,929
And you can come to me
about anything.
706
00:26:04,930 --> 00:26:06,659
-Anything?
-Anything.
707
00:26:06,660 --> 00:26:08,859
Well, in that case,
can you use your phone
708
00:26:08,860 --> 00:26:11,099
to find out the cost
of two flights to Bali?
709
00:26:11,100 --> 00:26:13,430
Why do you want to know the cost
of two flights to --
710
00:26:14,560 --> 00:26:16,559
You're not going
to Bali with him, Ellie.
711
00:26:16,560 --> 00:26:18,899
-Why?
-CLIVE: Do you know what?
712
00:26:18,900 --> 00:26:20,699
I do fancy that cruise.
713
00:26:20,700 --> 00:26:21,829
Just the two of us.
714
00:26:21,830 --> 00:26:24,659
No phones, no fuse,
no families for a week or two.
715
00:26:24,660 --> 00:26:26,199
Cruise?
There won't be any cruise
716
00:26:26,200 --> 00:26:27,529
if Lauren's planning for a baby.
717
00:26:27,530 --> 00:26:28,829
She'll need me, count on me,
718
00:26:28,830 --> 00:26:30,829
to tell her what
she's doing wrong.
719
00:26:30,830 --> 00:26:33,529
Well, at least
they've stopped fighting.
720
00:26:33,530 --> 00:26:35,899
Families --
if you weren't related,
721
00:26:35,900 --> 00:26:37,759
you'd have nothing
to do with them.
722
00:26:37,760 --> 00:26:39,829
And yet you want to start
another one.
723
00:26:39,830 --> 00:26:40,999
We could just get a dog.
724
00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:42,859
There's one at work
that needs a home.
725
00:26:42,860 --> 00:26:47,059
But then I wouldn't be able
to hear a dog's first word,
726
00:26:47,060 --> 00:26:48,929
or go clothes shopping
with a dog.
727
00:26:48,930 --> 00:26:50,729
Or cry the day the dog left
for university.
728
00:26:50,730 --> 00:26:53,059
-Or see a dog get married.
-Or see a dog --
729
00:26:53,060 --> 00:26:54,099
Actually, I have --
730
00:26:54,100 --> 00:26:55,999
when I married Larry.
731
00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:58,999
["Wedding March" playing]
732
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:03,399
Look, I'd sooner have you
than a baby.
733
00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:04,829
It took me so long
to find you,
734
00:27:04,830 --> 00:27:06,799
and I don't want to spoil it,
now that I have.
735
00:27:06,800 --> 00:27:09,799
But a baby...
It might be fun.
736
00:27:09,800 --> 00:27:11,329
Then what do we do?
737
00:27:11,330 --> 00:27:13,099
Do we want a kid,
or don't we want a kid?
738
00:27:13,100 --> 00:27:16,159
Are we happy as we are,
or how we could be?
739
00:27:16,160 --> 00:27:18,829
Questions.
Always questions.
740
00:27:18,830 --> 00:27:20,159
LYDIA: Eddie Bear?
741
00:27:20,160 --> 00:27:22,099
Phil and I have split up.
742
00:27:22,100 --> 00:27:23,599
I'm requiring hugs.
743
00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:24,829
Lydia, once, just once,
744
00:27:24,830 --> 00:27:28,999
would you give Lauren and me
some space, a few minutes alone?
745
00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:30,399
I can't see that happening, no.
746
00:27:30,400 --> 00:27:32,959
Do I detect an air of tension?
747
00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:34,759
Let me guess --
748
00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:37,329
Lauren's finally ditching you
for a boy her own age?
749
00:27:37,330 --> 00:27:39,129
No.
750
00:27:39,130 --> 00:27:40,429
You've found out Lauren
used to be a man
751
00:27:40,430 --> 00:27:41,429
before gender reassignment?
752
00:27:41,430 --> 00:27:43,459
How have I never punched you?
753
00:27:43,460 --> 00:27:45,229
Ah. Got it!
754
00:27:45,230 --> 00:27:49,399
Lauren wants a baby
but you don't.
755
00:27:49,400 --> 00:27:50,999
I knew it.
756
00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:52,429
Excellent.
757
00:27:52,430 --> 00:27:54,459
Want to know
what I'd do in your situation?
758
00:27:54,460 --> 00:27:57,099
Dump Ed so he's free
to get back with you?
759
00:27:57,100 --> 00:28:00,359
Okay, do you want to know
what else I'd do?
760
00:28:00,360 --> 00:28:01,399
Flip a coin.
761
00:28:01,400 --> 00:28:02,799
What?!
762
00:28:02,800 --> 00:28:03,899
Flip a coin.
763
00:28:03,900 --> 00:28:07,959
Works for me every time I'm
struggling to make a decision.
764
00:28:07,960 --> 00:28:09,999
"Should I gate-crash
their party?"
765
00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:11,699
Flip a coin to decide.
766
00:28:11,700 --> 00:28:13,029
"Should I go
through their dustbins?"
767
00:28:13,030 --> 00:28:14,999
Flip a coin.
"Should I hide in a bush?"
768
00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:18,159
Flip a coin.
I swear by it.
769
00:28:18,160 --> 00:28:20,399
And what if it's the answer
you don't want?
770
00:28:20,400 --> 00:28:21,659
That's the beauty.
771
00:28:21,660 --> 00:28:23,959
You know instinctively,
deep down,
772
00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:25,799
if it's the right
decision or not.
773
00:28:25,800 --> 00:28:28,699
"Should I sneak
into Ed's house at night
774
00:28:28,700 --> 00:28:30,829
and watch him sleeping?"
775
00:28:30,830 --> 00:28:36,159
Tails. "Ohh.
But I know I want to do it now."
776
00:28:36,160 --> 00:28:38,629
Lydia, why are you
telling us this?
777
00:28:38,630 --> 00:28:42,459
Because I still love Eddie Bear,
care for him.
778
00:28:42,460 --> 00:28:44,159
That and hopefully a baby
will put
779
00:28:44,160 --> 00:28:45,999
a terrible strain
on your relationship.
780
00:28:46,000 --> 00:28:46,999
What do you think?
781
00:28:47,000 --> 00:28:49,029
I think we should get
a lock on the bedroom door.
782
00:28:49,030 --> 00:28:51,159
-LAUREN: Mm-hmm.
-We could give it a go, though.
783
00:28:51,160 --> 00:28:52,159
LYDIA: Exciting!
784
00:28:52,160 --> 00:28:53,659
I'll go and find a coin.
785
00:28:53,660 --> 00:28:54,859
Lydia, wait!
786
00:28:54,860 --> 00:28:58,229
LYDIA: Attention, everyone!
Eyes on me!
787
00:28:58,230 --> 00:29:00,959
Ed and Lauren are going to flip
a coin to decide if they want
788
00:29:00,960 --> 00:29:02,059
to have a child or not.
789
00:29:02,060 --> 00:29:03,459
What?
790
00:29:03,460 --> 00:29:04,599
No, we're not.
791
00:29:04,600 --> 00:29:06,529
Listen, if it doesn't work,
792
00:29:06,530 --> 00:29:08,599
which it probably won't, fine.
793
00:29:08,600 --> 00:29:11,799
But if it did,
what have we got to lose?
794
00:29:11,800 --> 00:29:14,599
Heads, they do have a baby,
tails, they don't.
795
00:29:14,600 --> 00:29:16,859
Can I just say, this is mental?
796
00:29:16,860 --> 00:29:20,059
Okay, I'm in.
Let's do it.
797
00:29:20,060 --> 00:29:21,129
She's finally gone doolally.
798
00:29:21,130 --> 00:29:22,859
I've bungeed, I've hang-glided,
799
00:29:22,860 --> 00:29:24,799
I've even done
my own tax return,
800
00:29:24,800 --> 00:29:26,760
but this is the scariest moment
of my life.
801
00:29:28,030 --> 00:29:29,359
Are you nervous?
802
00:29:29,360 --> 00:29:30,429
Nervous, no.
803
00:29:30,430 --> 00:29:31,799
[Whispering]
Petrified, yes.
804
00:29:31,800 --> 00:29:36,260
[Chuckles]
In that case, give it to me.
805
00:29:37,460 --> 00:29:40,229
Heads, a baby.
806
00:29:40,230 --> 00:29:41,360
Tails, just us.
807
00:29:47,560 --> 00:29:49,260
[Exhales]
808
00:29:55,860 --> 00:29:57,599
EMMA: Well?
809
00:29:57,600 --> 00:29:59,560
Is it heads or tails?
810
00:30:02,800 --> 00:30:05,229
She kept that coin, Alan.
811
00:30:05,230 --> 00:30:07,459
I knew she was a money-grabber.
812
00:30:07,460 --> 00:30:11,560
Subtitle by peritta
813
00:30:11,610 --> 00:30:16,160
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