Original subtitles

Think I bought enough meat?

Enough?

You've made cows extinct.

"Level 3 Diploma in Veterinary Nursing."

Still can't believe I've done it.

ALAN: Exactly.

Which is why we need a barbecue worthy of it.

ED: Oh, yes,

what better way to celebrate Lauren saving animals

than to bung a few dead ones on the barbie?

Oh! Right, should I put it here, pride of place?

Uh, hello, diploma, Alan, barbecue?

I bet you 50 quid it goes up in flames.

I'm more than proficient using the Griddleman 5000, thank you.

Isn't she beautiful?

Made from the same materials

they used on the space station.

In theory, you could barbecue on the moon with this!

[American accent] That's one small step for man,

one giant leap for coronary heart disease.

You know, maybe I won't put it out on display,

all braggy.

So I've finally qualified as a veterinary nurse,

is it so amazing?

How often do animals vomit on you?

[Laughs] Once a day.

Scratch you, bite you?

Four or five times a day, at least.

Exactly!

We should shout this diploma from the rooftops, eh, Alan?

Alan?

Alan, stop hugging the barbecue!

Subtitle by peritta

Come on, we're going to be late!

No, we're not.

My phone says we'll be there in 20 minutes.

Hey, and I can get an app

that tells me where my nearest WH Smith's is!

Yeah, it's a smartphone.

Welcome to the present day, cavewoman.

I can get dating apps, too.

Ellie! And you, mister, can forget any plans

about pigging out at this barbecue.

How did you know?

Elasticated. Dead giveaway.

Ellie!

Men like meat. Men need meat.

How would you know? You're no man.

Spider in my hair.

Get it off!

-Get it off me! -No!

-Get it! -No, no!

-Get it off! -No, I'm sorry!

I'm sorry, son.

Sorry, son!

Spiders are my Kryptonite.

Everyone has a weakness.

Yeah, and mine's my dad.

Everything you touch goes wrong.

Oh, that's not true -- agh!

Agh! Static!

Sorry, Threepio, it's these trackie bottoms.

Finally!

Oh, and there should be food at this barbecue,

so you don't have to kiss, nibble, and lick Tim's face off

like you normally do.

Where's the shouting, her sarcastic remark back?

That was no fun.

Oh, she's fine.

Come on, let's go.

-Aagh! -Aagh!

Go and change those bottoms, Keith!

-No, but -- -Now.

[Groans]

Not today, thank you.

EMMA: I'm in no mood for quips, Lauren.

Not with your father being an uncooperative monster.

Monster!

Oh, wind your neck in, Emma!

He doesn't want to go on a cruise.

Instead of a week sailing

majestically down the Norwegian fjords,

he'd sooner go to the rainy Lake District --

-yet again.

I don't like boats! What if it sinks?

Sinks?!

There's more chance of it being attacked by a giant squid!

It's a state-of-the-art vessel with shops and a casino.

Bound to be a target for Somali pirates, then.

Hey!

Auntie Lauren!

I need your help!

I think...

I think I'm pregnant.

What?!

Oh, thank you, Ellie!

Thank you for hitting me with this

just before I was going to say hello to your --

Debs, Debs, you came in a car!

Whoa, vroom-vroom.

What time did you start drinking?

And thanks for offering to carry some food in, Ellie.

She's fine! She just wanted to congratulate her clever aunt.

Yeah, about this diploma,

does it mean you don't have to lance dogs' boils

and pick up cat poo now?

No, it just means I don't

have to be supervised to do all that now.

Living the dream, Lauren.

Any news?

Oh, Mrs. Mason, Mr. Mason.

What's up with him?

LAUREN: Um... sunstroke!

Ellie, would you like to come with me --

right now to um,

to see some photographs of some dogs' boils I've lanced?

-Yeah. -Yeah?!

-Who the hell are you?! -Whoa!

Phil, I'm Phil.

We spoke on the phone about me possibly doing your gardening.

Why were you in the bush?

I'm trying to listen to what's going on over there.

It can't be a birthday,

I have those all marked on the calendar.

What if it's an engagement party?!

Ed's asked her to marry him?

Or she's asked him?

That'd be just like her,

the little scheming money-grabber!

We'd better go over.

Oh, I'm not invited.

"Invited." Don't worry about that.

Plus, I can show you what I want doing over there.

But don't you live here?

No, that's only temporary. Chop-chop!

You should probably flip those now.

Alan knows how to barbecue.

He's a proper man, not like you.

I've got a teeny-weeny phobia of...

I don't actually like to say their names,

so he's got into his head that I'm a terrible dad,

a bad role model.

He's scared of spiders.

Spiders!

And he plucks his eyebrows.

Just to give better definition.

There's nothing unmanly about that.

Bet you do it, don't you, Alan?

LYDIA: So Lauren's passed an exam!

Is that it? Phew!

I thought it was something important you were celebrating.

Can we go back to yours now?

We just got here.

Be rude not to accept Eddie Bear's hospitality.

Almost as rude as gate-crashing.

Exactly, so go and get yourself a beer, Phil,

so I can find out how much Lauren will be earning.

Shoo!

-Who's that? -Gardener.

Oh, thought for a minute you'd found yourself a new fella.

Done well.

I have.

Gardner is his surname.

Phil Gardner.

Handsome, devoted, fab in bed.

Jealous?

Mmm, think you will be.

Phil -- darling!

I'll have a Pimm's.

See?!

Some say I am pregnant, others say I'm not.

They're useless!

Didn't you take precautions?

I did, Tim didn't.

He said condoms were bad for the environment.

Look -- happy face,

another happy face, just smirking at me

that I've ruined my life!

I'm gonna be a pregnant teenager --

just like my mum was.

Oh, God, I'm gonna be my mum!

[Sobbing]

She has such a rubbish life.

Hold on, this isn't a pregnancy test.

It's an ovulation test. So is this one!

Did you not look what you were buying?

I just ran and got what I could, paid, and ran back out.

I didn't want anyone seeing me!

The bad news is you're a very dippy girl.

The good news is you're not pregnant.

Positive ones are ovulation tests,

and these negative ones are pregnancy tests.

You see? You're just ovulating.

-I'm just ovulating? -Yes.

I'm just ovulating!

I'm just ovulating! I'm just ovulating!

I'm just ovulating!

You won't tell my mum about this?

She'd kill me just for having a scare.

And me for helping you.

My lips are sealed,

locked, and I'm inputting the four-digit security PIN.

[Beeping]

Now go! I'll hide these away.

Oh!

I'm just ovulating!

Go on, go on.

"I'm just ovulating!"

"I'm just ovulating!"

"I'm just ovulating!"

[Humming]

[Exhales]

[Blows raspberry]

Are they pregnancy tests?

No, toothbrushes.

-Let me see. -No.

Let me in.

Get out, this is occupied.

Lauren, Lauren.

Come on, come on!

No, no, no, no, no! Stop, I will pee myself!

See this beautiful color --

how I've sealed in all the flavor?

Yeah, just burger me, Alan.

Just the one? I'm having two.

Good, 'cause I'm having three.

Three? You won't be able to eat three.

Course I will!

You know when it says "family size," on a packet?

I pronounce that "Keith size."

Lame.

But he is a good eater.

Once won a pie-eating contest

and celebrated by eating another pie.

Proud of your old dad that day,

weren't you, Threepio?

Give me three burgers, now.

You won't manage to eat them.

Don't judge me by your own pathetic standards, Alan.

For your information, I could eat you

under the table if I wanted to.

Eat me under?

I was once thrown out of the Pizza Hut buffet

for eating too much.

Thrown out?

This...

is banned for life!

I knew it, oh!

I knew we weren't invited round

just to celebrate you passing some dumb exam.

Hundreds of hours of study.

Don't get me wrong,

I still think you're bonkers having a kid

with a man who's old enough to remember gaslight,

but now that it's happened, great!

Plus, you were there for me when I ruined my life.

Yeah, though, actually I was more there

for your funny mood swings.

-Ow! -Sorry, sorry!

Have you told Mum and Dad?

No!

And I'm not going to.

I mean, I will, just not today. Not until...

You need to tell Ed's kids first, don't you?

Yeah. Because any new baby's

gonna cut into their inheritance.

Yeah, that, what you said there.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Let me do that.

I'm not an invalid, I can do it.

Look, I've been pregnant, and I know that your body's

at a very delicate stage right now.

I'm perfectly capable, Deb.

-Now, will you move, and let -- -Uh-uh!

I said I'm doing it, so back off!

Oop.

My hormones have started to kick in, then.

Handsome, isn't he?

You know when someone's right for you, don't you?

Yes, until they don't want to go on a cruise.

Why don't we let Lydia decide?

Lydia, would you sooner go on holiday with me

to the beautiful Lake District,

or spend a week on a Norwegian boat

with Emma, most likely fending off Vikings?

Honestly?

I'd rather die than be seen on holiday with either of you.

EMMA: What are you so happy about?

It must be the sun. Ellie's just the same.

No, she isn't. She's got the grumps.

[Ellie humming]

CLIVE: Okay, how about this --

we go to the lakes,

but you can take a boat trip on Lake Windermere.

Clive, do you want to wear this drink?

So much hate.

Phil and I never argue like this.

You told your sister you were pregnant?!

If you wanted to liven up the barbecue,

you could've just put some music on!

I had to cover for Ellie!

What else could I say?

Uh, let me think.

That you weren't pregnant, because Ellie wasn't?

So there weren't any positive tests?

-Oh, yeah. -Uh-huh.

Oh!

Grr -- hindsight!

Don't worry, Debs won't say anything.

And what happens when you don't start showing,

When I don't start painting bears

on the nursery walls we don't have?

Well, then I'll tell Ellie to come clean, just not today.

Because then Debs will react,

then my mum will react,

and then I will react, and my day will be ruined.

Besides, it's good practice for when I really am pregnant.

What?!

I haven't seen that face before. What's that face?

I haven't got a mirror,

but I'd hazard to guess it's my "She wants kids" face.

Oh...

Then this...

is probably my "Oh, my God, he doesn't want kids" face.

I thought we'd talked about this?

-No. -Yes!

When?

Ah, little advert baby,

all dry because of his new nappy's new super absorbent

hex-weave lining.

[Chuckles]

Ed, would you, um...

would you like another baby one day?

Yes! Oh, yes.

Great. Just asking because -- oh, my God!

New flavor Kit-Kats!

Curse you, Kit-Kats.

Curse you, Angry Birds.

Lauren, I'm 59.

When we started seeing each other,

I naturally presumed you knew I didn't want more kids.

No!

Wow, this is big.

This is huge!

I wish we'd talked about this sooner!

Grr -- hindsight!

Sorry.

So we're agreed,

the last man still standing --

Hold on. No one said anything about having to stand.

Okay, the last man still eating

is declared the winner.

Fine, but I'll give you one last chance to pull out.

No one's ever beaten me at eating before.

It's something I'm very proud of.

Spare me your mind games, Alan.

My son thinks I'm an idiot,

so I'm going to win back his admiration

by eating as much food as possible.

In that case, choose your weapon.

ALAN: Thought you had a big appetite.

You haven't even put any extras on.

I was just going to.

One...

two...

three pieces of cheese.

Is that it?

I'll see your one, two, three slices of cheese,

and raise you a tomato.

As will I.

And some lettuce.

And another burger.

I was just getting round to that.

Wasn't expecting all this, but if it's all for free.

Quite.

So you and Lydia.

How on earth did you two get together?

Oh, simple.

She just got my number off a friend, rang me,

and asked I'd be interested in coming over.

We've only just met,

but I'm looking forward to getting stuck in.

At the end of day, though,

I suppose it's how much she's prepared to pay for it.

Pay for it?

Oh, don't get me wrong,

I'm not all about the money.

I take great pride in my work.

I could give you my card if you like.

That won't be necessary.

I have a husband.

Oh, the chap over there?

Don't you ever worry

it might be getting too much for him at his age?

I bed your pardon!

There's no shame in it.

I help a few wives whose husbands can't do it,

or need me to join in and lend a hand.

It's hard work, all that stretching

and kneeling and bending over.

You don't want him putting his back out, do you?

I think this conversation is over!

Give me three good reasons why you don't want to have a baby.

Bel.

Babybel.

I'm too old for a baby -- bel.

You're the one always saying you feel like a 20-year-old.

And wouldn't we be happier with a baby?

Bel?

They're really hard work.

You have to focus on them, day and night, year after year.

Look, remember, I've had them before, you haven't.

Yeah, and it sounds like I never will, either.

Everything all right, pickle?

Yeah, just Auntie Lauren and Uncle Ed,

they are, like, really passionate about cheese.

DEBS: She shouldn't be drinking.

Who, Lauren?

Why not?

Because uh --

because it's cheap wine.

I thought Ed would've bought better.

Don't give me the look, Dad.

I'm not 15,

and I'm not going to buckle just because you give me the look.

Lauren's pregnant.

But they can't announce it today,

so you can't say anything to anyone --

not even Mum.

Why can't Lauren say anything?

Deborah?

DEBS: Oh, it's complicated -- stuff to do with his family.

I see.

Still... another grandchild!

Fantastic!

I knew there was something.

I know when my daughter's keeping a secret from me.

Yeah, so do I.

CHARLIE: Come on, you can do it. Come on, for me!

How much do you want that burger?

-Does it hurt? -Mmm.

Good!

[Coughing]

You're a machine,

but I'm still bigger than you --

in mind, and most definitely in body.

Uh, news flash -- David

beat Goliath.

David and Goliath weren't eating burgers, sonny.

Plenty of food outside, Debs.

No need to forage through our bins.

It all makes sense.

Ellie's so worried about something

she couldn't even cheek me back.

Then she rushes off to have a private word with you,

after, she's happy, but you're pregnant.

These are hers!

Ooh, you think you're so Sherlock Holmes,

don't you?

Please don't shout at her.

It was a false alarm.

And a big family row is the last thing I need right now.

Ah, what's the matter?

Is your swimming pool one degree too cold?

Ed doesn't want to have kids with me.

-Ah. -Don't you dare

say, "I told you so."

-I wasn't going to. -Or, "Oh, well, Lauren,

that's the risk you were always

going to take, seeing an older man."

I wasn't going to.

Or, "Well, if you want kids now,

you're going to have to split up with Ed,

who you love, and find someone else."

I wasn't going to, but it's a good point.

Don't you think I haven't thought about that?!

Lauren, you need to calm down,

-get out of crazy town. -Sorry.

It's just that this is really big, you know?

I had these dreams

for me and Ed, for our future.

I just need some advice.

[Sobs]

Debs!

Debs, Debs?

[Squeaks]

I need to wash my hands first!

Why weren't you more careful?

We were careful...ish.

And Ellie isn't pregnant anyway,

So if anything we can be less careful.

Thin ice, Tim, thin ice.

Because of your libido,

Debs thinks Lauren and I are having a baby.

Really? Congratulations.

"Congratulations"? It's not fact, you prat!

Lauren lied to cover your arses! I don't want another baby.

What? You're not even going to talk about it with her?

Give me one good reason.

It'd be cool to have a mini baby uncle or auntie.

It's trippy.

Give me one good reason.

Everyone adores babies,

take the focus off me and Ellie.

Give me one good reason.

You love Lauren, and you want to make her happy.

There is that.

Exactly. So at least consider it.

And don't worry, I'd help out with Uncle Baby.

I could move back in!

Me and Ellie!

We could help feed him, take him for walks.

For a fee, of course,

but we can talk about money later.

Ow!

Look at his abs.

You could play them like a skiffle board.

Yes, well, keep him away from my family.

Also, you shouldn't brag, not if you have to pay for it.

Pay? What Phil and I have is real.

He's taking me on a trip soon.

Where to, the nearest lay-by?

The Norwegian fjords, actually.

A cruise.

Yes, it sounded nice from your blabbing,

so Phil's agreed to treat me.

You may need some sun lotion, Lauren's Mum.

Getting a touch red in the face there.

GROUP: Chew! Chew! Chew!

Chew! Chew! Chew!

Chew! Chew! Chew! Chew!

When you've quite finished being a hooligan,

I demand that you take me on that cruise, Clive.

Otherwise, I'll start making your life very difficult.

You've been doing that for the past 37 years!

Gigolo Phil's taking Lydia on a cruise -- my cruise!

So please can we go?

It's not as if we've any responsibilities

now the kids are all grown.

And we can afford it.

Ah, that's where you're wrong.

We might need some money if --

If? What, Clive?

I can't say -- my lips are sealed.

And your jaw will be wired shut

if you don't tell me what's going on!

Oh, okay, I'll tell you...

if you agree to holiday in the Lakes.

I was just coming to find you.

Me, too.

I mean, I wasn't trying to find myself --

I did that at Machu Picchu --

I was finding you to say I don't want us to have a baby.

I think we should have a baby.

What?

I've just been thinking.

I had a chat with Tim, and I've realized

it's selfish of me to deny you children.

No, no, no, no! I've been talking to Debs,

and crying to her, and shouting at her,

and I've realized it's wrong of me

to expect you to want to have kids again.

I know I am old...er,

but you can mash up my food with the baby's.

You've worked and cared for your family all your life.

Now it's your turn to travel, to see the world.

Home is where the heart is.

I think you will find that's the Maldives.

But if I have a baby, then this...

this will all turn into this.

I find that very attractive.

-Do you? -Mmm.

Oh!

Plus, how do you think my mum would react

if I told her I was having a child with a man

old enough to be my sexy dad?

EMMA: What?!

Like that, I imagine.

Mm.

Mum?

Your father's just told me! Is it true?

Are you pregnant?!

Lo siento, no hablo ingl?s.

Lauren! Don't worry, I'm not angry.

I'm happy for you. Surprised, stunned,

extremely anxious about the rest of your life --

-but happy. -I'm not pregnant.

Yes, you are!

I think I'd know!

-You look pregnant. -Thank you!

Thank you, whoever you are.

I'm not pregnant, I'm not up the duff.

The stork ain't stopping here!

But it may do soon.

We are going to try for a baby.

CLIVE: They're having one! Debs told me.

Uh, sorry, yeah, that was before I knew

that Lauren was covering for Ellie.

That's right! Mummy knows all about it.

EMMA: So it's Ellie who's pregnant?

How could you let this happen?

What are you blaming me for?

I'm not pregnant, Grandma!

[All arguing]

Shouldn't we get back out there?

What if someone else announces they aren't pregnant?

Why are you telling people we're going to try for a baby?

Because we are. I want one.

Ed! Stop lying!

I'm happy as we are.

I'm not bothered about some crying, snotty baby...

with fresh baby smell and cute tiny toes.

Okay, let's try this.

Without being kind,

without worrying about the other person's feelings,

let's just say what we really want.

Agreed?

1, 2, 3. I honestly don't want a baby.

I want to be a dad again.

-You're such a liar! -It takes one to know one.

I couldn't tell you because I knew you'd react like this!

DEBS: Like what?

I don't know, like -- like Grandma.

I'm nothing like my mum!

EMMA: She's nothing like me!

And she's handling this all the wrong way.

Watch and learn.

Clive, on me.

I'm with Tim, Mum.

And there's nothing you can say or do

to stop us being together

or stop us doing... that.

She means sex, Sweet Mama Debbie.

EMMA: It's bad enough your ex is seeing my daughter,

but your grandson

leading my poor, innocent Ellie astray is something else!

I think you'll find it's the other way around.

Chav!

Tell her, Phil.

I shouldn't get involved.

I only came here today because of my job.

The least said about that, the better, don't you, lad?

Why? I'm good at my job.

I'll do wonders for Lydia.

CLIVE: Oh, I'm sure you will.

And charge a handsome price for it too.

I'll only need to come round twice a week.

If I get really mucky, get stuck in,

that should be enough.

Though her bush at the front needs pruning back.

Have you seen it?

You filthy pervert!

Ooh! Families are awesome.

I kind of wish we were starting one now.

Aww!

Well, before you do...

Ellie, you're right, there's nothing I can say

to stop you doing that,

but there is something that I can show you.

Ohh!

Is that a car accident?

That, young lovers, is what happens

to a mummy's body when a baby is squeezed right out of it.

Look at the lady's face, all contorted in screams and agony.

No, Tim, no.

Mwah!

You told them we were lovers?

I'm your gardener. I'm not even that yet.

But don't you feel the chemistry between us?

Don't fight it, lover.

[Scoffs]

Don't go! Phil!

Fine. Throw away what we had.

But see you on the cruise!

Extreme eating

was the one thing

I was best at.

I don't even have that now.

I'm ruined.

That's it.

I'm out.

You're full?

You-you can't be.

You've not even started sweating yet.

Who truly understands the mysteries of the stomach?

All I know is I can't take another bite.

But if Alan can...

I won!

I won!

Such a loser.

Charlie. Hold on.

Don't make me run, I'll burst.

Charlie!

Okay, yes, I let Alan win.

But only 'cause it means more to him.

I've got a son, whether he likes me or not.

Alan hasn't got that, so I couldn't take his title.

I suppose that is pretty cool.

So am I a brilliant dad again?

Ants! Ants in your hair!

-Get 'em out! -No chance! They bite!

They have wars!

[Both screaming]

See? Your mum does know something about the world.

And you can come to me about anything.

-Anything? -Anything.

Well, in that case, can you use your phone

to find out the cost of two flights to Bali?

Why do you want to know the cost of two flights to --

You're not going to Bali with him, Ellie.

-Why? -CLIVE: Do you know what?

I do fancy that cruise.

Just the two of us.

No phones, no fuse, no families for a week or two.

Cruise? There won't be any cruise

if Lauren's planning for a baby.

She'll need me, count on me,

to tell her what she's doing wrong.

Well, at least they've stopped fighting.

Families -- if you weren't related,

you'd have nothing to do with them.

And yet you want to start another one.

We could just get a dog.

There's one at work that needs a home.

But then I wouldn't be able to hear a dog's first word,

or go clothes shopping with a dog.

Or cry the day the dog left for university.

-Or see a dog get married. -Or see a dog --

Actually, I have --

when I married Larry.

["Wedding March" playing]

Look, I'd sooner have you than a baby.

It took me so long to find you,

and I don't want to spoil it, now that I have.

But a baby... It might be fun.

Then what do we do?

Do we want a kid, or don't we want a kid?

Are we happy as we are, or how we could be?

Questions. Always questions.

LYDIA: Eddie Bear?

Phil and I have split up.

I'm requiring hugs.

Lydia, once, just once,

would you give Lauren and me some space, a few minutes alone?

I can't see that happening, no.

Do I detect an air of tension?

Let me guess --

Lauren's finally ditching you for a boy her own age?

No.

You've found out Lauren used to be a man

before gender reassignment?

How have I never punched you?

Ah. Got it!

Lauren wants a baby but you don't.

I knew it.

Excellent.

Want to know what I'd do in your situation?

Dump Ed so he's free to get back with you?

Okay, do you want to know what else I'd do?

Flip a coin.

What?!

Flip a coin.

Works for me every time I'm struggling to make a decision.

"Should I gate-crash their party?"

Flip a coin to decide.

"Should I go through their dustbins?"

Flip a coin. "Should I hide in a bush?"

Flip a coin. I swear by it.

And what if it's the answer you don't want?

That's the beauty.

You know instinctively, deep down,

if it's the right decision or not.

"Should I sneak into Ed's house at night

and watch him sleeping?"

Tails. "Ohh. But I know I want to do it now."

Lydia, why are you telling us this?

Because I still love Eddie Bear, care for him.

That and hopefully a baby will put

a terrible strain on your relationship.

What do you think?

I think we should get a lock on the bedroom door.

-LAUREN: Mm-hmm. -We could give it a go, though.

LYDIA: Exciting!

I'll go and find a coin.

Lydia, wait!

LYDIA: Attention, everyone! Eyes on me!

Ed and Lauren are going to flip a coin to decide if they want

to have a child or not.

What?

No, we're not.

Listen, if it doesn't work,

which it probably won't, fine.

But if it did, what have we got to lose?

Heads, they do have a baby, tails, they don't.

Can I just say, this is mental?

Okay, I'm in. Let's do it.

She's finally gone doolally.

I've bungeed, I've hang-glided,

I've even done my own tax return,

but this is the scariest moment of my life.

Are you nervous?

Nervous, no.

[Whispering] Petrified, yes.

[Chuckles] In that case, give it to me.

Heads, a baby.

Tails, just us.

[Exhales]

EMMA: Well?

Is it heads or tails?

She kept that coin, Alan.

I knew she was a money-grabber.

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