Original subtitles

You shall go to the funeral.

You are a lovely, brilliant sister.

I was starting to get desperate.

Evidently.

And you really don't have one decent black pair?

Well, I did have,

but I painted yellow stripes on them last week --

you know, for funky bumblebee shoes

for my sexy bumblebee outfit.

Oh, ooh, yeah.

Ed didn't like it -- scared of bees.

-Should've checked. -Weirdo.

[Softly] On that topic...

Keith and I have let that side of things slip lately,

and I was wondering if you could help?

Oh, Debs,

I like Keith,

he's a sweetie, but I'm with Ed now.

You're not funny -- and exactly!

You and Ed are still in the honeymoon period,

plus you've always been more...

elaborate and experimental in that department.

I was such a hot bumblebee.

We have the whole day,

the whole house, to ourselves.

Keith wants go to Ikea.

I want to do something more exciting.

Oh, you mean...

Oh!

Where are the kiddywinks?

Charlie's at Mum and Dad's,

Ellie's with her friends

after finally, finally seeing the light about Tim!

No, no, you're not dumping me, I'm dumping you!

Do you hear that?

You are dumped!

[Loud rock music playing]

Alan, we're about to set off for a funeral.

You are wearing a white shirt and holding ketchup.

Shall I start the camcorder now?

Relax, I'll aim it away.

I won't get a drop on me.

Thank you. Hi.

Sorry to hear about your friend, Ed.

-How did he -- -Lauren didn't tell you?

Well, perhaps it's best if you don't know the details,

but suffice it to say it was an accident.

Debs won't laugh.

-Will you, Debs? -No.

Don visited a safari park, and...

there were these monkeys --

[Snickering]

Second thoughts, I...

I'd better get back.

Lauren, if I need to call you later for advice?

And, uh, spicy food increases libido,

releases endorphins.

Or you could always do it sideways on a big beanbag!

See?

Not a drop on me.

Subtitle by peritta

Funerals, eh?

They always make me dwell on my own mortality.

Life after death.

Where do you think we go when we die?

Swindon.

There's got a lovely place there.

Scatter your ashes next to a koi carp lake.

MAN: Edward Walker!

How long's it been?

-Two years? -Mike.

So about as long as my car's

been in one of your rubbish garages!

[Laughs]

You remember my brother, don't you, Alan?

I remember he was always sponging off you.

Even staying at your house at one point, weren't you, Alan?

Yeah.

Look, uh, a bit hush-hush,

but I'm running a book on the service length.

Don loved a flutter.

Two nephews have put a fiver on 20 minutes.

Not a chance!

Don chose "Stairway to Heaven" for his final song,

and that's eight minutes on its own!

Eh?

Well, hubba-bubba, what have we here?

This is Lauren, my girlfriend.

Lauren, this is Mike.

He, Don, and I used to work together.

The infamous Laura.

Uh...

Lauren.

And what do you want to be when you grow up, sweetheart?

Ooh, respected.

And famous.

For being the woman who kicked you so hard

you couldn't have children.

Banter, just banter.

Don't want kids anyway --

would ruin the Porsche.

"Oh, have you got a Porsche now, Mike?"

Oh, I have, as it happens. Ha ha.

Anyway, I heard you two had split up.

Eh? Where did you hear that?

Hello, Eddie Bear!

What the hell are you doing here?

Don and I were always close.

Well, he was a man, Lydia, so that goes without saying.

How did you find out about today?

Been going through our bins again?

Facebook.

I got the news by reading Karen's page.

I can only assume she was too upset

to remember my invite.

Poor thing.

She's lost her husband, but gained weight --

at least, judging by her timeline photos.

You're Facebook-stalking widows now, Lydia?

At least I knew Don when he was alive!

So I've more a right than Lauren to come to his party.

"Wake," I meant "wake."

Easy mistake --

they both have quiche and a bar.

There she is -- poor thing.

[Sobbing]

LYDIA: Just goes to show,

fat people aren't always jolly, are they?

Charlie, shake a leg.

Grandma and Granddad are here.

CHARLIE: I'm robbing a bank!

It's a new video game he's got.

You can do what you like in it.

You can steal cars, kill gangsters,

even knock a policeman's hat off.

Should the lad be playing a game like that?

Yeah -- he's better at it than I am.

And you're sure Ellie doesn't want to stay over?

I could've helped her through her break-up with that Tim --

explained what was wrong with him,

the mistakes she made.

And yet she decided

to go shopping with her friends instead.

Oh! There's my little treasure!

Oh, you ready for a day of fun?

I may even give you a chance

to beat me at Hungry Dino!

Hi, Mum.

Packed and ready, Charlie?

Can't I stay at home?

I feel ill.

That's terrific -- off you go, then.

Someone's in a rush to get to Ikea.

We're not going to Ikea.

We, dear husband, are staying in for a day and night

of very naughty, very exciting fun.

That is, if you think you can stay the course.

Sorry, I got a bit overexcited.

Well, I'm glad one of us did.

MIKE: So Don is dead.

Don is gone, shame.

You, me, and him were like the Three Musketeers.

We were the best -- invincible.

Thanks to Don -- he loved his car.

I suppose it's ironic that one of them

killed him in the end.

When I picture him trying to remove his aerial,

and a baboon sneaks into the driver's seat

and lets the hand brake off, I just...

burst out laughing.

A tad insensitive, Mike.

Banter, just banter.

Don would have seen the funny side.

That's how I want to go, in a way that tickles people.

Either that or in the arms of up-for-anything twins.

Really?

It's a pity the Krays are dead.

Banter, just banter.

Don't be bitter just 'cause you've gone

and got yourself tied down again.

Men of our age, our wealth,

we should be taking a different girl home every week.

Why don't I see you more often?

I don't know,

but you didn't see Don as often as you should.

Oops, said too much.

Naughty, Michael, naughty.

What are you talking about?

You were supposed to play golf with him on the day he died,

but you cancelled.

He was at a loose end,

used a free voucher to go round a safari park

and got run over by a baboon -- Karen blames you.

That's why she gave me a dirty look.

[Chuckles]

It's in there again!

A little monkey behind a steering wheel.

[Laughs]

All I'm saying, Lydia,

is that you can't go round telling people

that Ed and I have split up.

It's a lie.

It'd be like me going around telling people

you're a well-adjusted ex-wife.

You're right, I shouldn't have said you and Eddie had split up.

I should have just mentioned you were having difficulties

and that your relationship's on the rocks.

-What?! -Does anyone know

who that woman over there is?

I've caught her smiling at me three times now.

Your fly's open again, Al?

Nope, first thing I checked.

She's just about the only one in this room

I don't know anything about.

There's Henry, widower, likes musicals.

That woman's called Pat,

her son had a terrible skiing accident.

And over there is Lionel and Mary Mellor.

They got back from Canada last month

to discover their cat, Mittens, had died.

Oh, let me guess --

all through Facebook stalking?

You're unbelievable, Lydia.

Thank you.

What are the rules about flirting at a funeral?

I'd leave it, Al.

She might be a relative, be deeply upset.

But then I miss my chance!

I mean, look at her, she looks fantastic in black!

Oh, I am getting quite good at it, I am!

[Laughing]

Oh, I won!

Can I play something else now?

I brought my console with me.

Oh, you won't be needing that.

Granddad did say

you might be getting a bit bored with Hungry Dino,

so I went out and bought you something new.

Something more demanding --

which you even need a protective mask for.

A paintball gun?!

You actually got me a paintball gun?

No, think even better!

[Laughter]

I got one!

Oh, sorry, Mike, I was just --

Just fine.

And I appreciate the touch of a lovely young lady.

Well, it was more the plate than me.

I believe you.

Thousands wouldn't.

But don't do it again, Laura,

else over my knee you shall go!

Lauren, and ew.

Lauren, Laura,

lovely -- it's all the same, isn't it?

So you and Ed -- still together, but unhappy.

Everything Lydia said was a lie.

She said you were very pretty.

Well, that might be true.

But you were a conniving gold digger.

And then we're back to the lies.

Ed probably hasn't mentioned it,

but I'm pretty damn rich myself.

I own the third-largest bathroom and kitchen tile

wholesalers in the southeast.

So if ever you want any tiles,

or anything else,

you know what you have to do.

Take my business elsewhere.

I'm sorry, but are you coming on to me?

Would you like me to come on to you, Lau-ra.

"Lauren," yeah, absolutely not.

Now who's the one lying?

Would you excuse me?

I'm suddenly feeling rather nauseous.

-Get -- -Oh, she's interested.

Oh, sorry.

I got the last one.

It's just I'm extremely upset about poor Don.

We all are.

Mittens doesn't blame you --

for leaving him,

while you and Lionel swanned off to Canada.

He told me so.

But Mittens is my cat --

and dead.

And a cat.

I...

have the gift!

Oh.

Can speak with the other side.

Oh!

What's that, Mittens?

All right, my darling.

He says he "wuvs" you.

Does that mean anything?

Oh.

Look at Don there,

in happier times --

before a monkey took his life...

I'll never eat Coco Pops again.

By the way, I'm Alan.

-Natalie. -Natalie.

-Is that Mrs. Natalie? -Miss.

I am --

I was, Don's cousin.

Don's cousin, oh, right.

Nice to meet you.

How upset do cousins get?

Karen, I just came over to say

how terribly sorry I am over your loss.

Ed, You came today, then?

Of course I did.

I wouldn't have missed Don's funeral.

Mmm.

Just a shame you missed your last round of golf with him.

The weather was atrocious.

In fact, I was surprised when I heard

Don went on to the safari park.

It's Don's fault he died, is it?

It's no one's fault --

apart maybe the monkey that ran him over.

[Laughter]

Will people please stop mentioning the monkey?!

It isn't funny.

No, it isn't.

And no matter how he died,

we should be respectful on this most tragic of days.

?76.25!

You won the pot, you lucky git!

55-minute service, huh.

Who'd have thought that?

Ka-ching.

Ha ha, yeah.

Yeah.

He made me place a bet --

you know what Mike's like.

Anyway, I'd like you to have this monkey.

Money!

I meant to say monkey --

God! Money!

[Exhales sharply]

Mmm.

I'm getting a --

All right, my darling.

I'm a getting a name.

Is there a --

All right, my darling, you take your time.

Is there a Henry in the room?

It's your wife, Henry.

She is saying that you must always think of her

when you watch a musical.

Thank you, my child.

Just to reiterate, alcohol does

help me relax, communicate with the spirits even better.

See?

Straight away, I'm getting a message for,

hold on --

All right, my darling --

For "Pat," is it?

Yes.

Your son had a skiing accident.

Yes.

He's saying --

don't worry

because he's not in any pain where he is now.

I know he isn't.

He's over there.

I'm also telepathic.

[Siren wailing on TV]

This is it, is it?

Are you going to let me join in or not?

Well, you've made it quite clear

all my games are too babyish for you.

Show me what to do.

Whoo!

How many pairs of hands do I need to operate this?

-What's this for? -To move.

See? Quick!

You have to drive your stolen car to the bank,

so we can blow it up and rob it.

But I'm not a criminal!

It's how you win the game!

Hurry up, drive!

Well, I can't go yet -- the traffic lights are red!

I am at a funeral, Debs.

What else can I do to turn Keith on?

I tried a curry, but it's just left him tired and gassy.

[Groans]

Underwear, positions, dressing up as an insect --

I don't care!

Just tell me how to get the zest back.

Have you tried having a bath?

Are you saying I stink?!

Just go with me on this.

Put plenty of bubbles in,

but not too many --

so you leave room for both of us.

"I want you all clean."

I want you all clean --

"So I can get down and dirty with you."

So I can get down and dirty with you.

Keep going, keep going!

"And I can't wait to run my hands --"

And I cannot wait to run my hands --

All over your firm, muscular body.

All over your

firm, muscular body.

I'm talking to my sister.

I'm talking to my sister.

Sister?

All right.

Don't worry, I won't say anything to Ed, if...

you do me a favor in return.

I'm stopping the night here.

How about...

you, me

nip up to my room for 10 minutes?

No one will miss us.

You are a vile, disgusting, creepy-looking man.

You are a vile, disgusting,

creepy-looking man --

I wouldn't sleep with you

if you were the last man on Earth.

Debs, to be honest,

this isn't really pushing me buttons.

I was getting lines from Lauren!

Ah. Oh!

Lauren?!

I was just trying to get the spark back, you know?

We never seem to have time for us, what with work,

and Charlie getting his head stuck down that rabbit hole.

Not to mention Ellie.

Keith --

Keith, are you listening to me, or are you having a bath?

Just getting me money's worth.

Shall I get in with you?

I don't think we'd both fit.

See?

Shame we don't live at Ed's --

he's got a massive bath.

Ha!

Forget his bath,

he's got a ruddy swimming pool!

Now, that would be romantic.

Lauren gave me a spare set of keys --

in case of emergencies.

Improving our love life.

Could that be classed as an emergency?

Yeah!

Come on!

He's a complete slimeball!

Thought that I was talking dirty on the phone to some man.

Didn't believe me when I said it was just my sister.

Then -- then! --

he suggested I go up to his room!

[Snickers]

So I've thought about it, mulled it over,

realized it was a good offer.

I'm leaving you for Mike.

Mm-hmm.

Wait, what?

I knew you weren't listening.

Sorry.

But what if she's got a point?

What if I'm as much to blame for Don's death

as that joy-riding baboon?

You cancelled a round of golf, that's all.

Was Don angry about it,

angry with you?

He texted me, said he understood,

and looked forward to beating me next time.

That would be tricky now.

[Snorts]

Sorry.

Tell you what,

I'll get Karen to stop blaming you,

if you help me show Mike up for the sleazy rat he really is.

How are you going to do all that, then?

Karen, I'll figure something out.

Mike, probably use a chair,

some rope, and a blowtorch.

He asked you up to his room?

I want a word.

Do you mind?

I'm talking to the spirits.

The only spirit talking is that G&T.

You, hop it.

-I -- -Shut up.

Now, I can just about stand you

encroaching on mine and Ed's life --

at times I find it lovable and amusing.

But when you infiltrate a funeral

and start passing yourself off as a medium -- I said, shut up.

Now, you either do what I tell you,

or I will be forced to Lydia-proof our home.

I'm talking gates, barbed wire,

and a German Shepherd,

probably called Slasher,

who I will train to track

and hunt down the smell of your perfume.

Okay, fine.

I'll stop pretending to be a medium.

Stop?

Who said anything about stopping?

Mnh-mnh.

This is exciting!

Oh!

That's funny, the burglar alarm isn't switched on.

They're back -- leg it!

Hold on, hold on!

Ed's car wasn't on the drive.

[Gasps]

She lied about breaking up with him!

Why would she do that?

To make life easier on herself?

So she could see Tim

without being lectured by you all the time?

All right, Mr. Know-It-All.

Stay back, I'll handle this.

Whoa, whoa, we're not supposed to be here, either.

We've no moral high ground.

Put yourself in her shoes.

How would you have felt if your mum and dad had burst in on us?

What do you think would've happened?

I wouldn't have got pregnant, ruined my life.

[Scoffs] "Ruined your life."

You won the lottery first go.

Yeah, but I only matched three numbers.

Any chance of some service?

Oh.

Give me your room number and key.

So I was right about you, huh?

Ed's being boring, blaming himself about this bloody Don.

I want a bit of fun and attention.

Oh.

Just give me 10 minutes to get ready --

just enough time for you

to order some champagne, mm-hmm?

-Oh. -[Purrs]

Ah.

[Grunts]

[Siren wailing]

Grandma is upset, Charlie.

Thinks you and her don't have fun anymore.

Said you wouldn't let her play your gangster game.

She doesn't get it.

She doesn't get anything.

Yes, that's what she'd like you to think.

The thing is

your grandma was pretty wild when she was young.

She was mixed up in all kinds of business --

guns, narcotics,

stealing cars -- she was notorious.

No one dared cross The Widowmaker.

"The Widowmaker"?

Everyone knew if you crossed her, you were "brown bread."

That's cockney for dead.

Of course, she saw the error of her ways.

turned police informer,

which meant she had to go into

the witness protection program -- new identity,

new area to live,

and a new, rather handsome, husband.

And that's why she has to live a quiet life now, you see,

keep her head down,

play Doh Nutters with her grandson.

Granddad, I'm 11.

Do you really think I'm going to believe that rubbish story?

But don't worry, I'll make Grandma happy.

See? This is much nicer,

just walking through the streets.

Ooh, there's a park.

Shall we go and sit in the park, Charlie?

Oh!

That man's trying to mug me!

Now his friend's joining in.

Where's my baseball bat, Charlie?

Where's my baseball bat?!

Take that! And that!

Oh, you want another one?

There's another one! Ha ha!

You messed with the wrong lady this time.

I got your number!

Ooh, I hope you've brought an army.

Stay down! Stay down!

[Laughs]

[Knock on door]

They didn't have champagne

so I got you a vodka.

Here, drink up.

Whoa! Not so fast.

You heard me on the phone earlier.

I like to tease.

Are you up for that?

What did you have in mind?

Wouldn't you like to know?!

[Laughs]

But before I tell you,

final chance --

are you absolutely sure about this?

I mean, you are friends with Ed.

Meh, I've got other friends.

Sod him.

You're not going to tell him, are you --

lose your meal ticket.

I guess not.

[Chuckles]

Okay, in that case --

I want you to hoot like an owl.

-Beg your pardon? -You heard me.

Hoot like an owl.

I don't know --

The first time I ever made love,

it was in the countryside,

at night.

The stars were out.

It was magical.

I heard the distant hoot of an owl.

And ever since, well,

hooting has always got me in the mood.

Okay.

Hoo!

Oh, yes!

-Louder! -Hoo!

Oh, louder.

Hoo!

Hoo!

Hoo! Hoo!

Wait, what are you doing?

I told you,

it was nighttime,

in the countryside.

We had to feel our way around.

Feel each other --

Someone's stopped hooting.

-Hoo! -Hoo! Hoo!

Hoo!

Hoo!

Lauren?

Still here!

Just keep hooting.

I just need to give you a little bit of a makeover.

-What?! -Shh, shh, shh!

My first lover, he was a bit of a Goth.

So if you want me at my most passionate,

then you need a bit of black lippy.

Hoo!

All done.

Now I want you to say, let me think --

"My name's Mike, and I'm a pretty boy."

No, I'm not saying that.

I'm slipping out of my dress.

My name's Mike, and I'm a pretty boy!

My name's Mike, and I'm a pretty boy!

My name's Mike, and I'm a pretty boy!

Good!

Now I want you to say --

"Ed, I'm ashamed and sorry

for being such a disgusting little worm."

[Chuckles]

Why would I say that?

Because he's standing right next to you.

Oh!

Oh, Ed!

Oh.

I can explain everything.

Can you?

No.

Oh.

Listen to me carefully, Mike.

I don't want to ever hear that you've been rude or lecherous

to another woman ever again.

It's banter --

just banter!

Fine.

Because if we ever find out that you have been,

then this pretty little video is gonna find its way online,

and to all your customers,

and to any friends you might have left.

[Phone beeps]

Understood.

I think I'll just go down

and pay my respects to Don's family.

Good idea.

He's still wearing my lipstick.

As he said about me, "sod him."

[Laughing]

And is it really true that you get turned on

by Goths and the countryside?

Why don't you hoot and find out?

I could coo like a pigeon.

[Cooing]

[Purrs]

Mmm!

What are they doing now?

[Gasps]

Oh!

See?

That's how I'm always asking you to kiss me.

So gentle and adoring.

-Were we this romantic? -Oh, yeah.

[Reggae playing]

Definitely, yeah.

This is what I'm trying to say.

this is a golden moment for Ellie.

The first time.

Yeah, we all know Tim's an idiot

and teenage relationships always go wrong --

-Hmm? -Apart from ours.

But I think we should let her find that out for herself.

We should go.

Perhaps you're right.

I am appalled, Ellie Mason!

Appalled and insulted.

We came round her to check on poor Auntie Lauren's house,

and find you two trespassing!

The place a mess!

But we haven't done anything wrong!

You were about to!

Wine, rose petals on the water,

I'm not an idiot.

Well, not under my roof!

It's not your roof.

It's my granddad's.

And I have a key.

Yeah, I'd keep quiet if I were you.

Look at Keith's face -- livid.

He looks about ready to punch you.

I suggest you go to your grandma's, Ellie.

Grandma's?!

While we tidy up this mess.

Just hope and pray Ed and Auntie Lauren

don't find out what's gone on here today.

But Grandma's?!

It's your own fault, Ellie!

Now, go!

[Growls]

Now, what did you do that --

-Shh!

Little bit naughty, but your wife is a legend.

I have just got us a swimming pool,

some wine,

and Ed's whole mansion to ourselves

for the rest of the day.

You are one bad mother.

I am one bad mother.

[Laughs]

[Moaning]

I still don't see how you'll stop Karen hating me.

LYDIA: And he's saying --

what's that, my darling?

There are golf courses in heaven.

Hundreds of golf courses.

And there are no monkeys in heaven --

apart from Davy Jones, of course.

And he wants me to say you he loves you --

Don, not Davy Jones.

Oh!

Oh.

You never told me Lydia was a medium.

She's just spoken to Don.

He says he doesn't blame you in the slightest.

That's very good of him.

I take comfort in the fact

he's still around, still watching over me.

And I'm sorry for being hard on you earlier.

Oh, it's been a tough day for you, Karen.

It's fine.

Oh, I haven't introduced you to my girlfriend, have I?

-This is Lauren. -Hello.

Lauren?

Don's just warned me about you.

You stay away from me, you hear?

Just stay away.

I'd better go, Ed.

Lydia said Don wants a free bar.

I did what you asked.

And more!

What did you tell her?

It's not me, Lauren,

it's the spirits.

They mentioned something about you having a dark soul.

That and you being a baboon in a previous life.

-[Sighs] -Wish me luck,

I'm going to bite the bullet.

I'm going to ask her out.

Natalie, I'd just like to say --

Salad!

Always comforting at a time like this -- may I?

People often shout "salad dodger" at me,

but I could eat buckets of the stuff,

couldn't you?

There's that smile again.

Natalie, hypothetical question,

but if, say, a gentleman saw an attractive lady at a funeral,

but wasn't completely sure how upset or grieving she was,

do you think he should still pluck up the courage

to ask that lady out for a drink sometime?

I think he could do that, yes.

Brilliant!

Then in that case,

I think I probably will.

Oh.

Oh, God!

Uh, Natalie,

another hypothetical question.

If, say, a gentleman

showered a woman with salad cream --

She'd say no!

She'd definitely say no!

Can we go home now?

I'm your Queen Bee.

Are you my honey?

I most definitely am, your highness.

[Buzzing]

LAUREN: Hi, honey, we're home.

Don't you look at me like that, Lauren.

I wanted to go to Ikea!

Subtitle by peritta

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0