All language subtitles for You Me and Them s01e03 Lucky Buddha.eg

Subtitle by peritta

Pouring yogurt?

another daft innovation
the world didn't need.

-It's good
to try new things:

pouring yogurt,
coconut frappuccino,

much younger women.

Why do you keep winking at me?
-I dunno. You started it.

I did not!

-Ah!

Oh, God, I did. Oh, no, I know,
but this isn't a wink.

This is a twitch.
This is stress-related.

What have you got to be
stressed about?

You're healthy,
you got a lovely house,

a cracking girlfriend.

A cracking girlfriend
who left the glasses out.

Straight from the dishwasher
to the cupboard.

That's the universal rule.

-[gasp]
I left some glasses out!

Call the cops.

Just saying.
Well, test it.

Go on, say something
else stressful.

-Mum will be here
any minute.

Ooh, big one, that time.

That's what you get for
going out with an older model.

I prefer the word
"classic".

Don't mind me.
I'm not here.

Oh, if someone's
going out,

can they get me some
athlete's-foot spray?

Not that it'll stop
the itching.

Only one thing
takes it off properly.

[Rock music plays]

Ah, ah, ah.

Shamon! Yoohoo!

Ohh! That's why my rugs
have got dandruff!

Ed, relax!
And Fruit-Ninja me.

Mm-hmm.

Fruit Ninja.
-Hai!

Oh, nearly.
Fruit Ninja! Fruit Ninja!

-Hai! Hai!
-Yes!

Hai!
-Fruit Ninja. Aah!

Grapefruit --
not eating the skin.

It's been on the floor,

then it'll go on the counter.
Germs.

What, you think
I'm overly clean?

[laughing] I know you are.
But it's sweet.

Plus, it's less
tidying for me.

He makes me put a bad coaster
on top of a good coaster

whenever I have a drink.
How mad is that?

Go with the flow, Ed.

-Oh, yeah, I am going to take
the take advice of a man

who's just put in pouring yogurt
in his coffee, instead of milk.

That's what you get

when you don't
put things away.

Mmm!

[quietly] Dear God!
And use a coaster in there!

Or don't.

I don't care.

Actually I do care.
That table cost 2 grand.

Use a coaster!

Two coasters!
Bad one on a good one!

And stop moonwalking in there!
-[Doorbell rings]

That'll be Mum.

You'll have something to talk
about: she's a bit OCD, too.

I am not OCD.
-Oh, really?!

Then how would you react if I,
say, picked up this yogurt

and oops!,

spilt a bit on the counter?
-I'd -- I'd be fine.

What if I spilt a bit more?
And a bit more...

-Okay, enough!
Enough, enough!

[Doorbell rings]

Finally!
And your father

shouldn't be having to lug
all this stuff over,

not in his condition.
-What?

I told her not
to say anything.

I've just been having
the odd twinge.

Tickets for my WI,
performing Oklahoma! tonight!

-Oh, that sounds fan--
Ooh. Hang on.

Older men are more prone
to heart problems.

-Well, Ed can lend
a hand now.

Older men are more prone
to heart problems.

But don't worry.
I've read up on CPR.

You have to pump the chest
to the Bee Gees.

Which is a shame,

because I'd have much
preferred Michael Bubl?.

Bubl??
I'd rather croak it

than have to listen
to that fountain of syrup.

Didn't think
there'd be this much.

-Really?!

This represents years of travel,
of me discovering

all the hidden treasures
of our world.

Oh? Let me guess:
South American, early Aztec.

-Plus my childhood stuff.

No no no,
Completely unacceptable!

You can't leave
all this tat outside.

The council are very
specific about rubbish.

It must go into
the designated bins.

-Thank you, Lydia.

This is Lauren's.
It's going inside.

Oh, Eddie, you can still
make me laugh.

As if you'd ever have

anything like this
in there.

We never had lamps
like this, did we?

Only so you couldn't
throw them at me

during one of
our blazing rows.

"Lovers' tiffs".

Anyway, I wondered

if you could
pop round later,

because my boiler keeps
making strange noises.

Bit busy, Lydia.

Oh, and remember
that thing we got?

A divorce.

Fine! Wash your hands
of your old family,

now you're with Lolita.

33.
-You've still got a Care Bear!

[Classic music plays]

[Music stops]

He's gone, Debs.
He's dead.

Who's dead?
Is it Dad?

Oh, my. Mum said
he'd been having pains!

No no no no,
your dad's fine.

It's Dishy.
-Dishy...?

Had him so long, he's like
a member of the family.

Do you remember that noise
he used to make

during his rinse cycle?

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

You mean the dishwasher.

-Gone,
but not forgotten.

[Bugling "Last Post"]

Yeah, that's your grief
coming out.

Don't worry: we'll get another.
-Dishwasher? No, we won't.

We haven't
the money, at the moment.

Well, how will we
do the dishes?

As a musical?!

Oh, I forgot I had these!

Got them for you
on my last trip.

Think of them
as a thank-you

for looking after my things
while I traveled.

It's an action figure.

Of you!

Got it made specially

in Tokyo.

You just show them
a photo and ta-da!

How cool is that?!

It looks nothing like me.
Its all pouting and angry.

And for you, Dad.

Oh! [laughs]

It's a drum kit!

-

[Laughter]

I've always wanted
a set of drums.

Your mother would never
allow it, of course.

[singsong]
Something else.

This will look fantastic
in our lounge.

-Whoa!

Genuine Thai Buddha,
all the way

from a little temple
in the mountains of Chiang Mai.

[gasp] Me and Mr. Buddha
used to sit for hours

on the temple wall, just
looking out over the clouds.

Did he not come to life
and push you off the wall?

Don't you like him?
-He's a bit creepy, isn't he?

No, it's not, it's lucky.

The monk who sold it
to me said so.

Poppycock. It's been
in our attic for months.

If it's lucky, why do
my Victoria sponges never rise?

Come on, now, she didn't say
it bestows miracles, did she?

[Laughs] Ow.
-Ooh, sweetheart.

Are you all right?
-Just a little twinge.

[Chuckle]

What the hell's
that monstrosity?

-It's Lauren's Buddha
and she adores it.

But you hate it.

I adore it, too.
-Then why's your eye twitching?

She's changing you.
All this new-age tat.

You'll be wearing Crocs next,
and sleeping in a teepee.

Why are you in here, Lydia?

Having a nosey.
That, and just to say

I'm still having problems
with my old boiler.

I know the feeling.
-[Chuckle]

Just call a plumber.

I'll get you a number
and then you can leave.

-I don't want to be left alone
in the house with a strange man.

Never thought I'd live
to hear her say that.

Poor, faithful Alan,

doesn't even know
he's digging his own grave.

Lauren bringing in
more of her junk

means she'll be moving out the
stuff of Ed's she doesn't like.

Me?
No, Lauren likes me.

-No, she doesn't.

You're like this VHS copy of
Spice World: The Movie --

too big, too bulky,
and no one wants you anymore,

not even charity shops.

Now I think about it,
Lauren did pull a face

when I mentioned my athlete's
foot at breakfast.

See?
What a little bitch.

No one washes
dishes by hand.

-Are we some kind of
medieval family?

Oh, what's next,
you going to make me go

down to the river,
wash Dad's pants on a rock?

All I'm asking for is
a bit of help,

so I can finish my art.

Ohh!
-Hey!

Now, do me
and your mum groan

when you two are
pursuing your dreams?

Yes!
You stopped my dream.

Strapping fireworks
to your legs

doesn't make you
Iron Man, Charlie!

Now, your Mum is finally
fulfilling her potential.

She couldn't study
arts at college

'cause she was too busy,
changing nappies.

That is your fault,
not ours.

-Shouldn't have been
such a player.

Yeah --
That's enough.

Now, your mum's course leader
said that her last piece was --

What did he say, babes?

It's not relevant.

Lacking. That was it.
Unoriginal and lacking!

So she really needs

to pull out all the stops
on this last painting

and we're going to help her
because we love her, right?

Right?

Yeah, whatever.
-Better.

So whoever's turn it is
to tidy the kitchen today,

whoever's name is

on this rota,

has to go in there and wash
those dishes by hand.

So I want no stalling
and no excuses

from Mum.

[Chuckle]

Things for round the house,
stuff to go into storage,

and this lot for the bin.

What is that?

Oh, my pickled
bull testicles

from China.

Maybe I should keep those.

You never know when they
might come in handy.

No no no, they should stay
in the chuck-away pile.

Which we should add to,
if anything.

Its eyes follow me
round the room.

'Cause you got
such a nice bum.

And I told you:
Buddha brings good luck.

I'd sooner he brought
some bin bigs.

It's true. A few months
after I bought it,

I met this amazing guy,

who I fell in love with.
-And then you broke up,

after you turned his house
into a landfill site.

Buddha's staying and,
if you don't love

and cherish it,
then this will stay, too!

Tell me you
never looked like that.

Course I didn't!

[Chuckle]

No, maybe I'll
take this round to Debs',

see if the artist
wants it back.

And if she doesn't?
-Then I will destroy it,

with either fire

or holy water.
[laughs]

Right, would you mind tiding up?
I know how much you love it.

Hi.

-Eddie.

I just came in to say
I'm going.

Eh?
-This isn't just your home now,

it's also Lauren's,

so it's best if I stop
being a Spice Girl.

What?
-Something that Lydia said,

started me worrying that I
might be in the way here,

I might be a nuisance.

"Might be"? You are a nuisance.
But you are staying, Alan.

Am I?
-Well, absolutely.

You're not going anywhere,
you great lummox.

I don't know what to say.

Alan, are you crying?

No.
Must be an onion in here.

-Good. Put yourself
to good use.

Tidy this lot up while I make
a start in the kitchen.

This pile is to stay,
this pile is for storage,

and that lot goes in the bin.
Got that?

And, whatever you do, leave
the Buddha where it is, okay?

Read you loud and clear.

Ah!

Pickled eggs.

This is hideous.
I mean, granted,

you weren't the best-looking
model, but, still,

thank God I've improved.

-They let you paint
stuff like this?

Are you painting him
from memory?

-Huh? "Him"?

Well, I'm assuming it's Keith.
At least, part of him.

You know, his [whistles]
and his [whistles]?

-It's two tangerines
and a banana.

What did you think
the bowl is?

-Dunno, Keith's hand,
cupping?

It's not finished yet. It'd be
better if I had more time.

I'd like to see Picasso
rustle up a masterpiece

at the same time as having
to wash the dishes.

You want me to lend you some
cash for a new dishwasher?

No. Besides, if poverty

was good enough for Van Gogh,
it's good enough for me.

You're not going to cut your
ear off as well, are you?

I'll leave the tortured
artist to her work.

Still think it looks like
a [whistle], though.

KEITH: You're so going to lose,
this time, Wolfgang.

I think you'll find

you're going to lose,
you English loser.

No.
-Hi!

Will you do the washing-up
for me? I really want

to pass this course
and prove to everyone

I am good at art and always was.
You think I'm good, don't you?

Oh, you are total garbage.

Oh, not you!
Peter Crouch.

No! No.
Your art's really, um,

brilliant.
-"Brilliant"?

"Brilliant" is what
we used to say to Charlie

about his rubbish
finger paintings.

Will you do these dishes
for me, or not?

I'm kind of busy.
-"Busy"!

Sat beating some kid in Germany
at computer football?

Ha! Like he
could ever beat me.

KEITH: Shut it, Wolfgang!

I worry what example
we'll be setting the kids,

if you get out of washing-up
on the first day.

It's a bad precedent.

What if I make it
worth your while?

I am prepared to give you more
space in bed: an extra inch.

Into no-man's land?

The middle of the bed,
into which

no stretched-out arm or leg
must stray during sleep.

How about 2 inches,

and the lamp on my side?

Two inches, no lamp.
Deal or no deal?

Deal.
I'll do your dishes,

right after I've beaten
this loser.

You'll never beat Wolfgang.
Do you know why, Keith?

Because you're brilliant
at this game.

Oh oh oh!

Ohh!

Ohh!

Ohh! Ohh!

Ohh!

Ohh!

Oh oh oh!

Thank God for that.

Just don't let Ed
catch you.

You said, "Whatever you do,
don't throw the Buddha away,"

but then you winked.

You did it again.

-This is not a wink;
this is a twinge.

And so what
if I did wink?

-When people say something
and then they wink,

it means you should do the
opposite. Everyone knows that.

-[scoff] Everyone does not
know that, Alan.

I can't find it!

And now my hands are
covered in bean juice!

-Ohh!

At least,
I hope it's bean juice.

Alan, did you throw away
my pickled bull testicles?

Was I supposed to?
-Oh, give me strength!

Right, we're going to
have to empty all this,

go through every bag.

I'm sorry, I can't.

Why not?

I'm not a Victorian
street urchin.

I mean, grime,
filth -- ah!

Oh, really? Really, you
won't get your hands dirty?

Then, fine,

I'll do this myself.

-You see?

I'm getting the blame.

Really annoyed with you
at the moment, Alan.

Oh.
-What?

You said you were annoyed
with me, but then you winked.

It isn't in there.

Are you positive
you put it in the bin?

Positive.
Although I may --

I may have put it in the
blue bin, mixed dry recycling,

accidentally.
-Did you or didn't you?

I can't remember.

I was listening to my iPod,
at the time.

And dancing.
And eating a choc-ice.

I'll go and look
in the blue bin.

I wouldn't bother.
Blue-bin collection today.

They'll have been and gone.
Or should I say

"bin and gone"?

No, I'll stick with
"been and gone".

Do you think we can go
and find it,

save it from being recycled
into soup cans?

Come on, you would do it,
if it was your Buddha.

I'd never have
owned that thing.

[Ring]

Mum.

I just called to say
thank you, Lauren.

Thank you very much for the
present you gave your father.

--

Bit busy.
Can't this wait?

No. He's planning on drumming
Pink Floyd next,

their entire back catalog.

Bad reception, Mum.

Must be another
solar flare. Bye!

--

Mum and Dad, arguing
about the T-shirt.

You see? I don't want
to get like that, do you?

A couple,
always bickering

about possessions
and about little things.

To me, it wasn't
a little thing.

To me, it was special,
a one-off.

I carried it
across continents.

It was an accident
and it's just one thing!

You don't like any of my stuff:
not my Buddha, not my Care Bear,

and you've not said
one nice thing

about my Angolan
death mask.

It's better
than the Buddha.

I'm just saying
that I'm able to adapt

to living together,
like...Donkey in Shrek,

putting up with all
your little things.

You should be able to do
the same for me.

Are you calling me Shrek?

I'm definitely
calling you Shrek.

What little things?
Coasters? You mean...?

I'll get rid
of the coasters.

Coasters, schmoasters.
I'm talking about

the pouring yogurt,
your overtidiness,

and the biggie:

your ex-wife who lives
next door and descends on us

without warning,
like a plague of locusts!

-Oh, Lydia's not
as bad as locusts.

She doesn't ruin crops, just
marriages and my E-Type Jag.

[Tapping]

It's finally
given up the ghost.

No hot water.

I can stay here tonight,
can't I, Eddie?

-No, Lydia!

Yes, Lydia! Of course you
can stay, because I am Donkey!

Is something the matter?

-No!

Just that Ed's lost
my Buddha.

Ed didn't lose your Buddha.
Alan lost your Buddha.

-Oh, dear!

Perhaps
I'd better not stop.

Then again,
I am here now.

So take that, Ed.

I'll just go
and freshen up

and decide what I want
to have for dinner.

I'm thinking chops.

Yay, chops!

Starting off
with the Tower Center.

Nothing too bad.
A few problems, getting in,

due to an accident.
The Orbital road

flowing nicely clockwise,
little bit heavier --

There are no bowls.

No? Ohh.

Then I suggest you wash some,
because, after all,

according to the rota,
today is

your day to tidy
the kitchen.

But those are
yesterday's dishes.

They don't magically,
suddenly,

become someone else's
at the stroke of midnight.

But you want
your breakfast,

so what are you gonna do,
girlfriend?

Ohh!

Plan didn't work, then?

-Get those dishes done,
Keith, now.

I did 'em yesterday.

You rinsed four plates
and four forks.

Okay, even though
it's not my turn,

I'll do 'em,

but what are you prepared
to offer me, this time?

Ooh, how about

your life?

You do know you've buttered
that toast on both sides?

Cup of tea, Lauren.

Well! I feel fresh
as a daisy,

which is surprising, after
all the fun we had last night.

[Music plays]

Mmm.

What time

did I stop singing along
to Scissor Sisters?

20 past 3:00.

We should do it again,
tonight.

-No can do, Lydia.
Already phoned a plumber,

paid him double
to make you a priority.

You'll be out of our hair
by lunchtime.

So you can talk through
your problems?

Oh, dear, this is a difficult
time for you, isn't it?

Right!
Think I'll have a bath!

Lauren.
-Mm-hmm?

Get me some fresh towels,
will you?

I should've realized what
Mr. Buddha meant to you.

I should've
helped you find him.

Well, thank you
for acknowledging that.

Just wish
you'd done it sooner.

I know.
Can we move on now?

Hey, I know
what'll cheer you up.

Think fast.
Fruit Ninja. Hai!

[Gasp]

[strained]
Aaah!

Morning.
-[Gasp]

Did I hear music
last night?

Alan, I need your help, making
things right with Lauren.

I'm in. I'm all yours.
I feel terrible

about this Buddha business,
not to mention your iPad.

What's up with my iPad?

It slipped off my knee
when I was on the toilet.

It still works, there's just
a tiny crack in the screen.

You used my iPad
on the toilet?

[Alert beeps]

It's this big.
Statue, horrible face.

Show him, Alan.
-No, I ain't seen it.

And wouldn't tell you,
if I had, anyway.

You put a nonrecyclable
pot ornament

into a mixed dry
recycling blue bin?

Accidentally.
-You people make me sick.

"Environment?
What environment?"

The bins are clearly marked,

yet you just throw
what you want

into whichever bin
you want, don't ya?

But, oh, it don't matter.

Muggins here will sort it,
won't he?

I thought a machine
sorts it, like magnets.

And who looks after
the machine?

Who has to fix it
when it's jammed?

Like it's been
for the past two days,

after some joker
put a tire

in a cardboard-only.
Scum of the earth.

Two days, so you won't have
recycled the latest rubbish?

-Can't, without
a machine, can we?

So it becomes
recycle backlog.

What happens
to the recycle backlog?

We just dump it
in the landfill.

I don't get paid overtime.

Well, that's a tad dishonest.
What about all the people

who've taken time
to recycle?

Sod 'em.
Bloody do-gooders.

I can't do this.

-You were prepared to go
through the recycled stuff.

That was different!
Flattened cardboard,

lovely, rinsed-out
jam jars.

This is filth:
dirty nappies, rotting fruit,

maggot-riddled
chicken carcasses.

-Ooh, I could just eat
some chicken.

What do you think the chances
are of us finding it, anyway?

About the same as you
getting over that fence.

-This?
Could jump over it.

Come on!
Think of Lauren's face

when you hand her back
that statue.

-Dirty socks,
snotty tissues.

I'll do it meself.
Stand back.

[Creaking]

[laughing]
Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey!

Halftime, 4-nil up!
This is it!

Everything okay in here?

-Fine. Was pleased
to get your call.

And Debs really said
she needed my help?

Oh, yes, but just make sure
that you're finished and gone

by the time she gets back.
You know how proud she is.

I could do with a break.
I can feel a twinge coming on.

[Door closes]

He failed me!

He said my banana
was all wrong,

so I quit!

What are you doing here?

Keith rang, said you were
struggling to fit everything in:

work, the house,
your little paintings.

So he asked if I'd ride to the
rescue to wash your dishes.

He said what?

I ask for one bit of help.

-In my defense, your mum's
got 'em much cleaner

than me or the kids
ever could.

-And I don't know why you
bother with that art, anyway.

You were never
any good at it.

I'm drying that.
-No, you're not.

Ohh!
[Static crackles]

Oh! Ah! Ooh! Ow!

He's having a heart attack!
Shh, don't talk.

Let me think
and remember my training.

Whether you're a brother
or whether you're a mother

you're stayin' alive,
stayin' alive

Yes. --
Ha ha ha ha

stayin' alive,
stayin' alive

Ha ha ha ha

stayin' ali-i-i-

-i-i-i-ve

Poor Lauren,
arguing with Ed,

your statue gone forever,

and, now, your face deformed
by a grapefruit.

It's not deformed.
See?

Just sore.

[chuckling]
That's all you need,

with Ed and you coming
to the end so soon.

Do you want a grapefruit
in your face?

And were not coming
to the end!

That's what I used to say.

I used to think Eddie
and me were forever.

Then, a few dalliances
on my part

and a missing 50 grand later
and he says he wants a divorce.

The man's temperamental.

He's only lost a statue,
accidentally.

-Thin end of the wedge.

Your honeymoon period is over.
You're at each other's throats.

Best to end it now, rather
than prolong the agony.

Lydia, have you got
my statue?

Have I got your statue?
-Mm-hmm.

What makes you
think that?

Because I can see it peeking
out of your handbag.

You stole my statue.

-No, I didn't.
It was in your bin.

How do you know it was
in our bin?

Do you go through
our bins?

Everyone needs a hobby!
[sniffle]

I like going through
Ed's bank statements,

sticking them back together,
check what he spends.

It's better
than doing jigsaws.

You knew we were arguing about
it, but you had it all along?!

I was going to return it.

Then why didn't you,
Lydia?

I was enjoying you two
arguing about it.

Right.

Grr, sss!

[Sniffing]

We went

to the rubbish tip to try
to get your Buddha back.

You really did that
for me?

Sorry,
couldn't find it.

You wouldn't have.
She's got it.

And I'm keeping it.

Keep it!
I've got Ed.

Who doesn't like your things,
who doesn't like this.

-So what?

He's just been rummaging
through a rubbish tip!

Ed, a man who sometimes
washes his hands

before he washes
his hands!

Only so the good soap
doesn't get dirty.

-And he did it for me.

I don't need
anything else.

Why are my feet
itching like crazy?

[Alert beeps]

You might have got
my athlete's foot.

-Remember all that dancing
you did last night, barefoot?

Shamon!

-Heh.

And your boiler's fixed.

-I've also got your jar

of bulls' testicles!

[crying] And don't think
you're getting those back!

Bulls' testicles?
[chuckle]

Ooh!

Actually, you stink.

Look how red
and chapped they are.

I'm a monster.

I'm going to see
how your mum is.

Now, nobody use any pots,
not even a teaspoon.

Now am I forgiven?

-For feigning chest pains,

causing me to worry, causing me
to sing in public? No.

Your punishment will be long,
expensive, and severe:

Michael Bubl?,

in concert,

two front-row tickets.

I feel nauseous.

I'm not lying!

We've done the pots.
It was tough.

Ellie started crying,
at one point, but we did 'em.

This is new.

What's this one called?
-I'm so not in the mood.

What?

I'm only asking its name.

Fine. It's called Anger,
or Failure

or Debs is Rubbish. I just
did it to let off some steam.

But this is great.

Stop winding me up.
I just went ape on it.

That's what's good about it.

It's angry,
it's passionate,

it's you,
annoyed with us lot.

Forget your fruit bowls.

You've captured family life.
-You're not just saying that?

It's brilliant.
As in brilliant.

I'd put this up
on the wall.

[Chuckle-sob]

No one's ever liked one
of my paintings before.

Could you do another one?

I might, if I
rediscover my muse,

if you and the kids
wound me up again.

We broke two of your best
china plates, drying them.

[hiss]
That'll do it.

[Chuckle]

Aww.

Ah! Nothing like washing
bits of rotting meat

out of your hair
to make you feel better.

And...
my twitch has gone.

[gasp]
I told you it brought luck.

And...

I've got an itch.

Did you clean the shower
out thoroughly, Alan?!

Of course I did.
Just rub it.

I am.

Not like that.
It's like this --

Slide, pop,

slide, pop, slide, pop.
-Alan.

Shamon! Whoohoo!

I think we do need to talk
about you moving out, Alan.

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