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Pouring yogurt?

another daft innovation the world didn't need.

-It's good to try new things:

pouring yogurt, coconut frappuccino,

much younger women.

Why do you keep winking at me? -I dunno. You started it.

I did not!

-Ah!

Oh, God, I did. Oh, no, I know, but this isn't a wink.

This is a twitch. This is stress-related.

What have you got to be stressed about?

You're healthy, you got a lovely house,

a cracking girlfriend.

A cracking girlfriend who left the glasses out.

Straight from the dishwasher to the cupboard.

That's the universal rule.

-[gasp] I left some glasses out!

Call the cops.

Just saying. Well, test it.

Go on, say something else stressful.

-Mum will be here any minute.

Ooh, big one, that time.

That's what you get for going out with an older model.

I prefer the word "classic".

Don't mind me. I'm not here.

Oh, if someone's going out,

can they get me some athlete's-foot spray?

Not that it'll stop the itching.

Only one thing takes it off properly.

[Rock music plays]

Ah, ah, ah.

 Shamon! Yoohoo! 

Ohh! That's why my rugs have got dandruff!

Ed, relax! And Fruit-Ninja me.

Mm-hmm.

Fruit Ninja. -Hai!

Oh, nearly. Fruit Ninja! Fruit Ninja!

-Hai! Hai! -Yes!

Hai! -Fruit Ninja. Aah!

Grapefruit -- not eating the skin.

It's been on the floor,

then it'll go on the counter. Germs.

What, you think I'm overly clean?

[laughing] I know you are. But it's sweet.

Plus, it's less tidying for me.

He makes me put a bad coaster on top of a good coaster

whenever I have a drink. How mad is that?

Go with the flow, Ed.

-Oh, yeah, I am going to take the take advice of a man

who's just put in pouring yogurt in his coffee, instead of milk.

That's what you get

when you don't put things away.

Mmm!

[quietly] Dear God! And use a coaster in there!

Or don't.

I don't care.

Actually I do care. That table cost 2 grand.

Use a coaster!

Two coasters! Bad one on a good one!

And stop moonwalking in there! -[Doorbell rings]

That'll be Mum.

You'll have something to talk about: she's a bit OCD, too.

I am not OCD. -Oh, really?!

Then how would you react if I, say, picked up this yogurt

and oops!,

spilt a bit on the counter? -I'd -- I'd be fine.

What if I spilt a bit more? And a bit more...

-Okay, enough! Enough, enough!

[Doorbell rings]

Finally! And your father

shouldn't be having to lug all this stuff over,

not in his condition. -What?

I told her not to say anything.

I've just been having the odd twinge.

Tickets for my WI, performing Oklahoma! tonight!

-Oh, that sounds fan-- Ooh. Hang on.

Older men are more prone to heart problems.

-Well, Ed can lend a hand now.

Older men are more prone to heart problems.

But don't worry. I've read up on CPR.

You have to pump the chest to the Bee Gees.

Which is a shame,

because I'd have much preferred Michael Bubl?.

Bubl?? I'd rather croak it

than have to listen to that fountain of syrup.

Didn't think there'd be this much.

-Really?!

This represents years of travel, of me discovering

all the hidden treasures of our world.

Oh? Let me guess: South American, early Aztec.

-Plus my childhood stuff.

No no no, Completely unacceptable!

You can't leave all this tat outside.

The council are very specific about rubbish.

It must go into the designated bins.

-Thank you, Lydia.

This is Lauren's. It's going inside.

Oh, Eddie, you can still make me laugh.

As if you'd ever have

anything like this in there.

We never had lamps like this, did we?

Only so you couldn't throw them at me

during one of our blazing rows.

"Lovers' tiffs".

Anyway, I wondered

if you could pop round later,

because my boiler keeps making strange noises.

Bit busy, Lydia.

Oh, and remember that thing we got?

A divorce.

Fine! Wash your hands of your old family,

now you're with Lolita.

33. -You've still got a Care Bear!

[Classic music plays]

[Music stops]

He's gone, Debs. He's dead.

Who's dead? Is it Dad?

Oh, my. Mum said he'd been having pains!

No no no no, your dad's fine.

It's Dishy. -Dishy...?

Had him so long, he's like a member of the family.

Do you remember that noise he used to make

during his rinse cycle?

 Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! 

You mean the dishwasher.

-Gone, but not forgotten.

[Bugling "Last Post"]

Yeah, that's your grief coming out.

Don't worry: we'll get another. -Dishwasher? No, we won't.

We haven't the money, at the moment.

Well, how will we do the dishes?

As a musical?!

Oh, I forgot I had these!

Got them for you on my last trip.

Think of them as a thank-you

for looking after my things while I traveled.

It's an action figure.

Of you!

Got it made specially

in Tokyo.

You just show them a photo and ta-da!

How cool is that?!

It looks nothing like me. Its all pouting and angry.

And for you, Dad.

Oh! [laughs]

It's a drum kit!

-

[Laughter]

I've always wanted a set of drums.

Your mother would never allow it, of course.

[singsong] Something else.

This will look fantastic in our lounge.

-Whoa!

Genuine Thai Buddha, all the way

from a little temple in the mountains of Chiang Mai.

[gasp] Me and Mr. Buddha used to sit for hours

on the temple wall, just looking out over the clouds.

Did he not come to life and push you off the wall?

Don't you like him? -He's a bit creepy, isn't he?

No, it's not, it's lucky.

The monk who sold it to me said so.

Poppycock. It's been in our attic for months.

If it's lucky, why do my Victoria sponges never rise?

Come on, now, she didn't say it bestows miracles, did she?

[Laughs] Ow. -Ooh, sweetheart.

Are you all right? -Just a little twinge.

[Chuckle]

What the hell's that monstrosity?

-It's Lauren's Buddha and she adores it.

But you hate it.

I adore it, too. -Then why's your eye twitching?

She's changing you. All this new-age tat.

You'll be wearing Crocs next, and sleeping in a teepee.

Why are you in here, Lydia?

Having a nosey. That, and just to say

I'm still having problems with my old boiler.

I know the feeling. -[Chuckle]

Just call a plumber.

I'll get you a number and then you can leave.

-I don't want to be left alone in the house with a strange man.

Never thought I'd live to hear her say that.

Poor, faithful Alan,

doesn't even know he's digging his own grave.

Lauren bringing in more of her junk

means she'll be moving out the stuff of Ed's she doesn't like.

Me? No, Lauren likes me.

-No, she doesn't.

You're like this VHS copy of Spice World: The Movie --

too big, too bulky, and no one wants you anymore,

not even charity shops.

Now I think about it, Lauren did pull a face

when I mentioned my athlete's foot at breakfast.

See? What a little bitch.

No one washes dishes by hand.

-Are we some kind of medieval family?

Oh, what's next, you going to make me go

down to the river, wash Dad's pants on a rock?

All I'm asking for is a bit of help,

so I can finish my art.

Ohh! -Hey!

Now, do me and your mum groan

when you two are pursuing your dreams?

Yes! You stopped my dream.

Strapping fireworks to your legs

doesn't make you Iron Man, Charlie!

Now, your Mum is finally fulfilling her potential.

She couldn't study arts at college

'cause she was too busy, changing nappies.

That is your fault, not ours.

-Shouldn't have been such a player.

Yeah -- That's enough.

Now, your mum's course leader said that her last piece was --

What did he say, babes?

It's not relevant.

Lacking. That was it. Unoriginal and lacking!

So she really needs

to pull out all the stops on this last painting

and we're going to help her because we love her, right?

Right?

Yeah, whatever. -Better.

So whoever's turn it is to tidy the kitchen today,

whoever's name is

on this rota,

has to go in there and wash those dishes by hand.

So I want no stalling and no excuses

from Mum.

[Chuckle]

Things for round the house, stuff to go into storage,

and this lot for the bin.

What is that?

Oh, my pickled bull testicles

from China.

Maybe I should keep those.

You never know when they might come in handy.

No no no, they should stay in the chuck-away pile.

Which we should add to, if anything.

Its eyes follow me round the room.

'Cause you got such a nice bum.

And I told you: Buddha brings good luck.

I'd sooner he brought some bin bigs.

It's true. A few months after I bought it,

I met this amazing guy,

who I fell in love with. -And then you broke up,

after you turned his house into a landfill site.

Buddha's staying and, if you don't love

and cherish it, then this will stay, too!

Tell me you never looked like that.

Course I didn't!

[Chuckle]

No, maybe I'll take this round to Debs',

see if the artist wants it back.

And if she doesn't? -Then I will destroy it,

with either fire

or holy water. [laughs]

Right, would you mind tiding up? I know how much you love it.

Hi.

-Eddie.

I just came in to say I'm going.

Eh? -This isn't just your home now,

it's also Lauren's,

so it's best if I stop being a Spice Girl.

What? -Something that Lydia said,

started me worrying that I might be in the way here,

I might be a nuisance.

"Might be"? You are a nuisance. But you are staying, Alan.

Am I? -Well, absolutely.

You're not going anywhere, you great lummox.

I don't know what to say.

Alan, are you crying?

No. Must be an onion in here.

-Good. Put yourself to good use.

Tidy this lot up while I make a start in the kitchen.

This pile is to stay, this pile is for storage,

and that lot goes in the bin. Got that?

And, whatever you do, leave the Buddha where it is, okay?

Read you loud and clear.

Ah!

Pickled eggs.

This is hideous. I mean, granted,

you weren't the best-looking model, but, still,

thank God I've improved.

-They let you paint stuff like this?

Are you painting him from memory?

-Huh? "Him"?

Well, I'm assuming it's Keith. At least, part of him.

You know, his [whistles] and his [whistles]?

-It's two tangerines and a banana.

What did you think the bowl is?

-Dunno, Keith's hand, cupping?

It's not finished yet. It'd be better if I had more time.

I'd like to see Picasso rustle up a masterpiece

at the same time as having to wash the dishes.

You want me to lend you some cash for a new dishwasher?

No. Besides, if poverty

was good enough for Van Gogh, it's good enough for me.

You're not going to cut your ear off as well, are you?

I'll leave the tortured artist to her work.

Still think it looks like a [whistle], though.

KEITH: You're so going to lose, this time, Wolfgang.

I think you'll find

you're going to lose, you English loser.

No. -Hi!

Will you do the washing-up for me? I really want

to pass this course and prove to everyone

I am good at art and always was. You think I'm good, don't you?

Oh, you are total garbage.

Oh, not you! Peter Crouch.

No! No. Your art's really, um,

brilliant. -"Brilliant"?

"Brilliant" is what we used to say to Charlie

about his rubbish finger paintings.

Will you do these dishes for me, or not?

I'm kind of busy. -"Busy"!

Sat beating some kid in Germany at computer football?

Ha! Like he could ever beat me.

KEITH: Shut it, Wolfgang!

I worry what example we'll be setting the kids,

if you get out of washing-up on the first day.

It's a bad precedent.

What if I make it worth your while?

I am prepared to give you more space in bed: an extra inch.

Into no-man's land?

The middle of the bed, into which

no stretched-out arm or leg must stray during sleep.

How about 2 inches,

and the lamp on my side?

Two inches, no lamp. Deal or no deal?

Deal. I'll do your dishes,

right after I've beaten this loser.

You'll never beat Wolfgang. Do you know why, Keith?

Because you're brilliant at this game.

Oh oh oh!

Ohh!

Ohh!

Ohh! Ohh!

Ohh!

Ohh!

Oh oh oh!

Thank God for that.

Just don't let Ed catch you.

You said, "Whatever you do, don't throw the Buddha away,"

but then you winked.

You did it again.

-This is not a wink; this is a twinge.

And so what if I did wink?

-When people say something and then they wink,

it means you should do the opposite. Everyone knows that.

-[scoff] Everyone does not know that, Alan.

I can't find it!

And now my hands are covered in bean juice!

-Ohh!

At least, I hope it's bean juice.

Alan, did you throw away my pickled bull testicles?

Was I supposed to? -Oh, give me strength!

Right, we're going to have to empty all this,

go through every bag.

I'm sorry, I can't.

Why not?

I'm not a Victorian street urchin.

I mean, grime, filth -- ah!

Oh, really? Really, you won't get your hands dirty?

Then, fine,

I'll do this myself.

-You see?

I'm getting the blame.

Really annoyed with you at the moment, Alan.

Oh. -What?

You said you were annoyed with me, but then you winked.

It isn't in there.

Are you positive you put it in the bin?

Positive. Although I may --

I may have put it in the blue bin, mixed dry recycling,

accidentally. -Did you or didn't you?

I can't remember.

I was listening to my iPod, at the time.

And dancing. And eating a choc-ice.

I'll go and look in the blue bin.

I wouldn't bother. Blue-bin collection today.

They'll have been and gone. Or should I say

"bin and gone"?

No, I'll stick with "been and gone".

Do you think we can go and find it,

save it from being recycled into soup cans?

Come on, you would do it, if it was your Buddha.

I'd never have owned that thing.

[Ring]

Mum.

I just called to say thank you, Lauren.

Thank you very much for the present you gave your father.

--

Bit busy. Can't this wait?

No. He's planning on drumming Pink Floyd next,

their entire back catalog.

Bad reception, Mum.

Must be another solar flare. Bye!

--

Mum and Dad, arguing about the T-shirt.

You see? I don't want to get like that, do you?

A couple, always bickering

about possessions and about little things.

To me, it wasn't a little thing.

To me, it was special, a one-off.

I carried it across continents.

It was an accident and it's just one thing!

You don't like any of my stuff: not my Buddha, not my Care Bear,

and you've not said one nice thing

about my Angolan death mask.

It's better than the Buddha.

I'm just saying that I'm able to adapt

to living together, like...Donkey in Shrek,

putting up with all your little things.

You should be able to do the same for me.

Are you calling me Shrek?

I'm definitely calling you Shrek.

What little things? Coasters? You mean...?

I'll get rid of the coasters.

Coasters, schmoasters. I'm talking about

the pouring yogurt, your overtidiness,

and the biggie:

your ex-wife who lives next door and descends on us

without warning, like a plague of locusts!

-Oh, Lydia's not as bad as locusts.

She doesn't ruin crops, just marriages and my E-Type Jag.

[Tapping]

It's finally given up the ghost.

No hot water.

I can stay here tonight, can't I, Eddie?

-No, Lydia!

Yes, Lydia! Of course you can stay, because I am Donkey!

Is something the matter?

-No!

Just that Ed's lost my Buddha.

Ed didn't lose your Buddha. Alan lost your Buddha.

-Oh, dear!

Perhaps I'd better not stop.

Then again, I am here now.

So take that, Ed.

I'll just go and freshen up

and decide what I want to have for dinner.

I'm thinking chops.

Yay, chops!

Starting off with the Tower Center.

Nothing too bad. A few problems, getting in,

due to an accident. The Orbital road

flowing nicely clockwise, little bit heavier --

There are no bowls.

No? Ohh.

Then I suggest you wash some, because, after all,

according to the rota, today is

your day to tidy the kitchen.

But those are yesterday's dishes.

They don't magically, suddenly,

become someone else's at the stroke of midnight.

But you want your breakfast,

so what are you gonna do, girlfriend?

Ohh!

Plan didn't work, then?

-Get those dishes done, Keith, now.

I did 'em yesterday.

You rinsed four plates and four forks.

Okay, even though it's not my turn,

I'll do 'em,

but what are you prepared to offer me, this time?

Ooh, how about

your life?

You do know you've buttered that toast on both sides?

Cup of tea, Lauren.

Well! I feel fresh as a daisy,

which is surprising, after all the fun we had last night.

[Music plays]

Mmm.

What time

did I stop singing along to Scissor Sisters?

20 past 3:00.

We should do it again, tonight.

-No can do, Lydia. Already phoned a plumber,

paid him double to make you a priority.

You'll be out of our hair by lunchtime.

So you can talk through your problems?

Oh, dear, this is a difficult time for you, isn't it?

Right! Think I'll have a bath!

Lauren. -Mm-hmm?

Get me some fresh towels, will you?

I should've realized what Mr. Buddha meant to you.

I should've helped you find him.

Well, thank you for acknowledging that.

Just wish you'd done it sooner.

I know. Can we move on now?

Hey, I know what'll cheer you up.

Think fast. Fruit Ninja. Hai!

[Gasp]

[strained] Aaah!

Morning. -[Gasp]

Did I hear music last night?

Alan, I need your help, making things right with Lauren.

I'm in. I'm all yours. I feel terrible

about this Buddha business, not to mention your iPad.

What's up with my iPad?

It slipped off my knee when I was on the toilet.

It still works, there's just a tiny crack in the screen.

You used my iPad on the toilet?

[Alert beeps]

It's this big. Statue, horrible face.

Show him, Alan. -No, I ain't seen it.

And wouldn't tell you, if I had, anyway.

You put a nonrecyclable pot ornament

into a mixed dry recycling blue bin?

Accidentally. -You people make me sick.

"Environment? What environment?"

The bins are clearly marked,

yet you just throw what you want

into whichever bin you want, don't ya?

But, oh, it don't matter.

Muggins here will sort it, won't he?

I thought a machine sorts it, like magnets.

And who looks after the machine?

Who has to fix it when it's jammed?

Like it's been for the past two days,

after some joker put a tire

in a cardboard-only. Scum of the earth.

Two days, so you won't have recycled the latest rubbish?

-Can't, without a machine, can we?

So it becomes recycle backlog.

What happens to the recycle backlog?

We just dump it in the landfill.

I don't get paid overtime.

Well, that's a tad dishonest. What about all the people

who've taken time to recycle?

Sod 'em. Bloody do-gooders.

I can't do this.

-You were prepared to go through the recycled stuff.

That was different! Flattened cardboard,

lovely, rinsed-out jam jars.

This is filth: dirty nappies, rotting fruit,

maggot-riddled chicken carcasses.

-Ooh, I could just eat some chicken.

What do you think the chances are of us finding it, anyway?

About the same as you getting over that fence.

-This? Could jump over it.

Come on! Think of Lauren's face

when you hand her back that statue.

-Dirty socks, snotty tissues.

I'll do it meself. Stand back.

[Creaking]

[laughing] Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey!

Halftime, 4-nil up! This is it!

Everything okay in here?

-Fine. Was pleased to get your call.

And Debs really said she needed my help?

Oh, yes, but just make sure that you're finished and gone

by the time she gets back. You know how proud she is.

I could do with a break. I can feel a twinge coming on.

[Door closes]

He failed me!

He said my banana was all wrong,

so I quit!

What are you doing here?

Keith rang, said you were struggling to fit everything in:

work, the house, your little paintings.

So he asked if I'd ride to the rescue to wash your dishes.

He said what?

I ask for one bit of help.

-In my defense, your mum's got 'em much cleaner

than me or the kids ever could.

-And I don't know why you bother with that art, anyway.

You were never any good at it.

I'm drying that. -No, you're not.

Ohh! [Static crackles]

Oh! Ah! Ooh! Ow!

He's having a heart attack! Shh, don't talk.

Let me think and remember my training.

 Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother 

 you're stayin' alive, stayin' alive 

Yes. --  Ha ha ha ha 

 stayin' alive, stayin' alive 

 Ha ha ha ha 

 stayin' ali-i-i- 

 -i-i-i-ve 

Poor Lauren, arguing with Ed,

your statue gone forever,

and, now, your face deformed by a grapefruit.

It's not deformed. See?

Just sore.

[chuckling] That's all you need,

with Ed and you coming to the end so soon.

Do you want a grapefruit in your face?

And were not coming to the end!

That's what I used to say.

I used to think Eddie and me were forever.

Then, a few dalliances on my part

and a missing 50 grand later and he says he wants a divorce.

The man's temperamental.

He's only lost a statue, accidentally.

-Thin end of the wedge.

Your honeymoon period is over. You're at each other's throats.

Best to end it now, rather than prolong the agony.

Lydia, have you got my statue?

Have I got your statue? -Mm-hmm.

What makes you think that?

Because I can see it peeking out of your handbag.

You stole my statue.

-No, I didn't. It was in your bin.

How do you know it was in our bin?

Do you go through our bins?

Everyone needs a hobby! [sniffle]

I like going through Ed's bank statements,

sticking them back together, check what he spends.

It's better than doing jigsaws.

You knew we were arguing about it, but you had it all along?!

I was going to return it.

Then why didn't you, Lydia?

I was enjoying you two arguing about it.

Right.

Grr, sss!

[Sniffing]

We went

to the rubbish tip to try to get your Buddha back.

You really did that for me?

Sorry, couldn't find it.

You wouldn't have. She's got it.

And I'm keeping it.

Keep it! I've got Ed.

Who doesn't like your things, who doesn't like this.

-So what?

He's just been rummaging through a rubbish tip!

Ed, a man who sometimes washes his hands

before he washes his hands!

Only so the good soap doesn't get dirty.

-And he did it for me.

I don't need anything else.

Why are my feet itching like crazy?

[Alert beeps]

You might have got my athlete's foot.

-Remember all that dancing you did last night, barefoot?

 Shamon! 

-Heh.

And your boiler's fixed.

-I've also got your jar

of bulls' testicles!

[crying] And don't think you're getting those back!

Bulls' testicles? [chuckle]

Ooh!

Actually, you stink.

Look how red and chapped they are.

I'm a monster.

I'm going to see how your mum is.

Now, nobody use any pots, not even a teaspoon.

Now am I forgiven?

-For feigning chest pains,

causing me to worry, causing me to sing in public? No.

Your punishment will be long, expensive, and severe:

Michael Bubl?,

in concert,

two front-row tickets.

I feel nauseous.

I'm not lying!

We've done the pots. It was tough.

Ellie started crying, at one point, but we did 'em.

This is new.

What's this one called? -I'm so not in the mood.

What?

I'm only asking its name.

Fine. It's called Anger, or Failure

or Debs is Rubbish. I just did it to let off some steam.

But this is great.

Stop winding me up. I just went ape on it.

That's what's good about it.

It's angry, it's passionate,

it's you, annoyed with us lot.

Forget your fruit bowls.

You've captured family life. -You're not just saying that?

It's brilliant. As in brilliant.

I'd put this up on the wall.

[Chuckle-sob]

No one's ever liked one of my paintings before.

Could you do another one?

I might, if I rediscover my muse,

if you and the kids wound me up again.

We broke two of your best china plates, drying them.

[hiss] That'll do it.

[Chuckle]

Aww.

Ah! Nothing like washing bits of rotting meat

out of your hair to make you feel better.

And... my twitch has gone.

[gasp] I told you it brought luck.

And...

I've got an itch.

Did you clean the shower out thoroughly, Alan?!

Of course I did. Just rub it.

I am.

Not like that. It's like this --

Slide, pop,

slide, pop, slide, pop. -Alan.

 Shamon! Whoohoo! 

I think we do need to talk about you moving out, Alan.

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