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1
00:00:02,730 --> 00:00:04,529
[Sighs]
2
00:00:04,530 --> 00:00:06,360
Ah.
3
00:00:07,560 --> 00:00:09,329
Hello, Eddie Bear.
4
00:00:09,330 --> 00:00:11,729
Popped over to return the cup
of sugar I borrowed.
5
00:00:11,730 --> 00:00:13,399
You didn't borrow
any sugar, Lydia.
6
00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:14,899
That is your cup.
7
00:00:14,900 --> 00:00:17,759
Don't suppose
you've got any Sellotape?
8
00:00:17,760 --> 00:00:20,559
Rolls. Come over.
What's it for?
9
00:00:20,560 --> 00:00:22,599
Off to Lauren's parents'
for dinner later.
10
00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:23,899
I'm taking a couple of gifts.
11
00:00:23,900 --> 00:00:26,229
We never go to dinner
at my parents' anymore.
12
00:00:26,230 --> 00:00:27,529
We're divorced.
13
00:00:27,530 --> 00:00:28,999
And they're dead.
14
00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:30,829
Think this suit
still looks okay?
15
00:00:30,830 --> 00:00:32,499
Perhaps with a different tie.
16
00:00:32,500 --> 00:00:35,859
Alan, come back.
17
00:00:35,860 --> 00:00:37,759
It's far too tight, mate.
18
00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:40,259
Thought so.
It's the end of an era.
19
00:00:40,260 --> 00:00:42,899
Goodbye 38 inch,
Now I'm into my 40s.
20
00:00:42,900 --> 00:00:46,199
I'll unwrap the emergency suit.
For tonight!
21
00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:47,429
My first date
with the beautiful Mags.
22
00:00:47,430 --> 00:00:48,699
Here, take a look.
23
00:00:48,700 --> 00:00:50,059
She's lovely.
24
00:00:50,060 --> 00:00:53,059
Why's she going on a date
with you, Alan?
25
00:00:53,060 --> 00:00:55,759
Another one
after UK citizenship?
26
00:00:55,760 --> 00:00:57,259
Mags is a foodie,
like me.
27
00:00:57,260 --> 00:00:59,259
We both know how to eat
chocolate properly.
28
00:00:59,260 --> 00:01:00,759
Just pop it in your mouth,
don't you?
29
00:01:00,760 --> 00:01:05,129
Oh, dear Ed.
"You just put it in your mouth."
30
00:01:05,130 --> 00:01:07,899
Ah, one tiny detail that's
perhaps not 100% accurate.
31
00:01:07,900 --> 00:01:09,799
Instead of a photo
of yourself, Alan,
32
00:01:09,800 --> 00:01:11,929
there appears to be one of
David Hasselhoff!
33
00:01:11,930 --> 00:01:13,599
- Oh. You noticed.
- Noticed?
34
00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:15,899
It's The Hoff!
"Knight Rider"!
35
00:01:15,900 --> 00:01:18,059
Don't you think
it's an uncanny likeness?
36
00:01:18,060 --> 00:01:19,329
Ah, I see it now.
37
00:01:19,330 --> 00:01:21,759
- Really?
- No!
38
00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:23,060
[Sighs]
39
00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:28,229
40
00:01:28,230 --> 00:01:31,230
Subtitle by peritta
41
00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:38,429
It's not Tim's stupidity,
42
00:01:38,430 --> 00:01:40,459
or the fact he's Ed's grandson,
43
00:01:40,460 --> 00:01:43,459
and that if you and Ed married
you'd be his step-grandma.
44
00:01:43,460 --> 00:01:45,929
It's his arrogance.
45
00:01:45,930 --> 00:01:48,259
The way he comes round and gives
me and Keith nicknames.
46
00:01:48,260 --> 00:01:50,599
I mean, how would you feel
if he called you "Deb the Pleb"?
47
00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:52,829
Ed,
tell me something good
48
00:01:52,830 --> 00:01:55,059
about your grandson
to stop me worrying.
49
00:01:55,060 --> 00:01:57,299
He's a very good lad at heart.
50
00:01:57,300 --> 00:01:59,059
DEBS: Really?
51
00:01:59,060 --> 00:02:01,359
Would a good lad send love poems
like the ones he does?
52
00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:03,659
"Roses are red,
violets are blue,
53
00:02:03,660 --> 00:02:05,959
by the time you've
read this,
54
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:08,199
the Rohypnol
will have kicked in."
55
00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:09,799
Aw!
56
00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:11,199
[Laughs]
57
00:02:11,200 --> 00:02:14,030
Why is there never
any Sellotape in my life?
58
00:02:20,230 --> 00:02:21,529
Bit stressed, bless him.
59
00:02:21,530 --> 00:02:23,659
We've dinner
at Mum and Dad's tonight.
60
00:02:23,660 --> 00:02:24,959
Thought Mum
didn't approve of Ed.
61
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:26,199
LAUREN: She doesn't,
62
00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:27,799
which is why she's
invited him to dinner
63
00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:29,699
to find out more about him --
classic Mum strategy.
64
00:02:29,700 --> 00:02:31,299
Wow, our mum.
65
00:02:31,300 --> 00:02:34,659
What other parent invites
a daughter's boyfriend
66
00:02:34,660 --> 00:02:38,500
round to dinner to deliberately
sabotage a... romance?
67
00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:42,699
ELLIE: One! Why have
you started using Facebook?
68
00:02:42,700 --> 00:02:44,529
Facebook isn't for mums.
69
00:02:44,530 --> 00:02:46,029
Two!
70
00:02:46,030 --> 00:02:48,459
You friended Tim and invited him
round for dinner!
71
00:02:48,460 --> 00:02:49,729
I know why you're doing it!
72
00:02:49,730 --> 00:02:51,029
Auntie Lauren just told me
73
00:02:51,030 --> 00:02:52,299
Grandma used
to do the same thing.
74
00:02:52,300 --> 00:02:53,529
Did Lauren tell you on Skype?
75
00:02:53,530 --> 00:02:54,729
Will you teach me
how to use that?
76
00:02:54,730 --> 00:02:56,699
Forget it!
You wouldn't understand.
77
00:02:56,700 --> 00:02:58,959
Yeah, I would,
I'm a modern mum, Ellie,
78
00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:01,199
which is why, despite my
initial reservations about Tim,
79
00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:03,429
I am prepared to extend
the olive branch.
80
00:03:03,430 --> 00:03:04,899
I want you and Tim
81
00:03:04,900 --> 00:03:09,099
to think of me and your dad
as really tolerant, cool,
82
00:03:09,100 --> 00:03:11,399
non-judgmental parents, man.
83
00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:12,959
So you're going to lie?
84
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:15,459
Ellie, Ellie, I know it'll
be difficult for Tim,
85
00:03:15,460 --> 00:03:17,399
sitting down properly
with the olds
86
00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:19,259
for the first time.
87
00:03:19,260 --> 00:03:21,629
I was the same when I met
your grandma and granddad,
88
00:03:21,630 --> 00:03:23,030
but I soon stormed that castle.
89
00:03:24,300 --> 00:03:25,759
Tada!
90
00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:29,460
"Hi! My name is Forrest.
Forrest Gump."
91
00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:35,359
I knew my world-famous
impressions would lighten
92
00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:38,759
the up-the-duff atmosphere
that was present in the room.
93
00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:40,259
I could do some tonight!
94
00:03:40,260 --> 00:03:44,729
"Oh!
Titter ye not, madam.
95
00:03:44,730 --> 00:03:46,099
Ohhh!"
96
00:03:46,100 --> 00:03:48,129
I am so getting dumped.
97
00:03:48,130 --> 00:03:49,929
LYDIA: Oh, go on, Alan.
98
00:03:49,930 --> 00:03:53,059
There's nothing on television,
and I can't spy on Ed and Lauren
99
00:03:53,060 --> 00:03:54,299
if they're going out.
100
00:03:54,300 --> 00:03:56,129
Why would I take you on my date?
101
00:03:56,130 --> 00:03:57,599
Because you need my help!
102
00:03:57,600 --> 00:03:59,299
She's expecting Knight Rider!
103
00:03:59,300 --> 00:04:02,459
How do you think she's going
to react when you turn up?
104
00:04:02,460 --> 00:04:04,099
A fat man in a Nissan Micra!
105
00:04:04,100 --> 00:04:05,799
Picture the scene.
106
00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:08,199
The date's not going well,
because you're not The Hoff.
107
00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:11,259
But I just happen to be eating
in the same restaurant.
108
00:04:11,260 --> 00:04:15,429
I pass your table, in the guise
of an old flame.
109
00:04:15,430 --> 00:04:20,359
Things didn't work out between
us, but we're still friends,
110
00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:22,999
and I can lavish praise on you.
111
00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:26,359
Intellectual praise.
physical praise.
112
00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:28,959
Sexual praise.
113
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:30,459
I suppose that would help.
114
00:04:30,460 --> 00:04:32,459
Great!
I'll just go and get ready!
115
00:04:32,460 --> 00:04:34,759
Don't be long.
I'm already running late!
116
00:04:34,760 --> 00:04:36,359
LYDIA: I'll be 10 minutes!
117
00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:37,700
Hour, tops!
118
00:04:42,130 --> 00:04:43,959
Oh!
Drop of red.
119
00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:45,859
I shall enjoy that.
120
00:04:45,860 --> 00:04:47,459
Red wine brings
you out in a rash, Clive.
121
00:04:47,460 --> 00:04:48,799
Makes you itchy.
122
00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:50,499
Yes, but wears off.
123
00:04:50,500 --> 00:04:53,829
After a few hours.
Lovely gesture, Ed.
124
00:04:53,830 --> 00:04:55,929
EMMA: Good lord, Lauren.
125
00:04:55,930 --> 00:04:58,499
How much Sellotape
have you used on this thing?
126
00:04:58,500 --> 00:05:00,429
Ed wrapped it.
But I told him what to get.
127
00:05:00,430 --> 00:05:01,759
You're going to love it.
128
00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:03,829
Ooh.
129
00:05:03,830 --> 00:05:05,200
Let's see what I've...
130
00:05:07,830 --> 00:05:09,559
Badges?
131
00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:11,029
Why have you got my mum badges?
132
00:05:11,030 --> 00:05:12,830
Because you said she loved them.
133
00:05:19,730 --> 00:05:21,699
- Is there a badger badge?
- ED: Don't think so.
134
00:05:21,700 --> 00:05:24,399
Oh, there's a squirrel,
135
00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:25,859
an old Tufty Club badge.
136
00:05:25,860 --> 00:05:28,529
A squirrel
is hardly a badger, Ed.
137
00:05:28,530 --> 00:05:30,560
In fact, I deplore squirrels.
138
00:05:40,430 --> 00:05:42,059
ALAN: Remember the plan.
139
00:05:42,060 --> 00:05:44,559
You sit at the bar,
keep an eye out.
140
00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:46,659
If I tug my left ear, like this,
141
00:05:46,660 --> 00:05:49,059
it means I need help...
come over.
142
00:05:49,060 --> 00:05:52,699
If I scratch my nose, it means
things are going great,
143
00:05:52,700 --> 00:05:54,199
you can leave.
144
00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:57,399
What if you pat your head?
Or pull this face?
145
00:05:57,400 --> 00:05:58,829
What does that mean?
146
00:05:58,830 --> 00:06:00,899
Nothing.
147
00:06:00,900 --> 00:06:02,129
Sir, madam.
Do you have a reservation?
148
00:06:02,130 --> 00:06:04,100
I have, she hasn't.
See ya.
149
00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:07,629
Mags?
150
00:06:07,630 --> 00:06:09,659
- Hi.
- Hi.
151
00:06:09,660 --> 00:06:11,399
Hi, I'm Mags.
No, I'm not!
152
00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:12,829
You're Mags.
Alan is him.
153
00:06:12,830 --> 00:06:14,129
Me!
I'm Alan.
154
00:06:14,130 --> 00:06:15,399
Though I bet you were expecting
155
00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:17,459
David Hasselhoff, right?
156
00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:19,259
Alan, of course not.
157
00:06:19,260 --> 00:06:21,399
I thought the photo
was a lovely joke.
158
00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:23,499
Joke? Joke!
Yes, that's what it was.
159
00:06:23,500 --> 00:06:27,759
I hope you like it here.
It's my favorite restaurant.
160
00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:29,229
Sure, it's lovely.
161
00:06:29,230 --> 00:06:31,899
But I must warn you,
I have a big appetite.
162
00:06:31,900 --> 00:06:34,229
Good! All these thin people,
counting calories.
163
00:06:34,230 --> 00:06:35,499
Live a little!
164
00:06:35,500 --> 00:06:36,829
Yeah!
You boring, skinny gits!
165
00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:38,430
MAGS: [Laughs]
166
00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:42,299
Shall we order some drinks?
167
00:06:42,300 --> 00:06:43,659
[Door closes]
168
00:06:43,660 --> 00:06:45,229
Right, he's here,
169
00:06:45,230 --> 00:06:46,829
so don't embarrass me.
170
00:06:46,830 --> 00:06:48,399
Don't stand!
What did I just say?
171
00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:49,959
Don't be so crabby, Ellie.
172
00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:51,599
Don't call me crabby,
Deb the Pleb.
173
00:06:51,600 --> 00:06:53,599
[Laughs] I'm fine with you
calling me that.
174
00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:55,059
B-both of you.
175
00:06:55,060 --> 00:06:56,559
No, we've moved on from that,
haven't we?
176
00:06:56,560 --> 00:06:57,829
Instead, I will call you,
177
00:06:57,830 --> 00:07:01,229
let me think...
Sweet Mama Debbie!
178
00:07:01,230 --> 00:07:02,559
ELLIE: "Sweet Mama Debbie"?
179
00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:06,659
No. Sweeeeeeeeet!
Mama Debbie.
180
00:07:06,660 --> 00:07:09,729
And you, Keith, you're...
K-Dog!
181
00:07:09,730 --> 00:07:12,529
Right, I'll have a beer
if you're asking, K-Dog.
182
00:07:12,530 --> 00:07:15,230
And make sure
it's a chilled one, yeah?
183
00:07:19,500 --> 00:07:21,299
[Turns on TV]
184
00:07:21,300 --> 00:07:22,859
Man on TV: Oh, and they're
185
00:07:22,860 --> 00:07:24,230
on a counterattack here.
186
00:07:28,530 --> 00:07:30,360
How's my casserole, Ed?
187
00:07:46,130 --> 00:07:49,400
It's melt in the mouth, Emma.
188
00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:52,959
Books!
189
00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:55,359
Everyone here can read.
Let's talk about books.
190
00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:57,729
Dad, you know those Tom Clancy
books you like?
191
00:07:57,730 --> 00:07:59,199
EMMA: He's gone off
those lately,
192
00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:01,859
said there was too much
military jargon.
193
00:08:01,860 --> 00:08:04,129
What about Tom Clancy,
sweetheart?
194
00:08:04,130 --> 00:08:07,229
Well, I was just going
to say that Ed...
195
00:08:07,230 --> 00:08:08,859
He doesn't like them either.
196
00:08:08,860 --> 00:08:10,199
EMMA: Is that it?
197
00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:11,899
Then why mention it?
198
00:08:11,900 --> 00:08:13,229
I was just pointing out
that Ed and Dad
199
00:08:13,230 --> 00:08:14,559
had something in common.
200
00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:17,229
In what they don't like?
You could go on for hours.
201
00:08:17,230 --> 00:08:19,899
It'd be like me telling Ed
I don't like Alan Sugar,
202
00:08:19,900 --> 00:08:21,259
or people wearing trainers
203
00:08:21,260 --> 00:08:23,199
all the time, or the Internet.
204
00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:25,029
Or Harry Potter.
Or squirrels.
205
00:08:25,030 --> 00:08:26,599
LAUREN: Mum, why don't you have
206
00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:27,859
a bit of Ed's wine?
207
00:08:27,860 --> 00:08:29,129
It's lovely.
208
00:08:29,130 --> 00:08:30,459
You know I hardly ever drink.
209
00:08:30,460 --> 00:08:31,799
Alcohol doesn't agree with me.
210
00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:33,129
"Oh, yes, I do!"
211
00:08:33,130 --> 00:08:34,700
[Both laughing]
212
00:08:36,100 --> 00:08:38,859
ED: How long have
you liked badgers?
213
00:08:38,860 --> 00:08:41,099
Ever since we had one
in the garden.
214
00:08:41,100 --> 00:08:44,959
Barry.
He used to love my flapjack.
215
00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:47,059
Very powerful jaws has a badger.
216
00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:48,759
EMMA: Lovely, handsome,
217
00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:50,859
dignified creatures,
don't you think?
218
00:08:50,860 --> 00:08:53,059
- I've only ever seen one.
- Where was it?
219
00:08:53,060 --> 00:08:54,799
- You don't want to know.
- I do!
220
00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:55,959
What was it doing?
221
00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:57,559
This and that, sniffing around.
222
00:08:57,560 --> 00:08:59,029
LAUREN: Ed, Mum's
showing an interest.
223
00:08:59,030 --> 00:09:01,359
Tell her what happened.
Ed!
224
00:09:01,360 --> 00:09:03,499
I ran over it in my car.
Okay?
225
00:09:03,500 --> 00:09:05,159
It was a real mess.
226
00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:08,200
I had to jet-wash its fur
and guts off my wheel-arches.
227
00:09:09,460 --> 00:09:11,799
Can you tell me
where the bathroom is?
228
00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:13,329
In the hall, on the right.
229
00:09:13,330 --> 00:09:15,100
Can't miss it.
230
00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:20,999
Why can't you just relax?
231
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:23,159
Relax? He's just admitted
to killing a badger!
232
00:09:23,160 --> 00:09:24,429
Badgercide!
233
00:09:24,430 --> 00:09:25,699
Shh, accidentally!
234
00:09:25,700 --> 00:09:27,299
Ed wouldn't hurt a fly.
235
00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:30,199
Apart from badgers,
you've hardly talked to him.
236
00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:32,959
Just make him feel liked,
welcome.
237
00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:34,529
EMMA: This isn't easy
for me and your father!
238
00:09:34,530 --> 00:09:36,129
At least with
your past boyfriends,
239
00:09:36,130 --> 00:09:37,999
we could talk about
their plans for the future,
240
00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:40,529
their career prospects,
aspirations.
241
00:09:40,530 --> 00:09:43,159
What are we supposed to talk
to Old Man Ed about?
242
00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:45,429
Cod liver oil capsules, perhaps?
243
00:09:45,430 --> 00:09:47,499
His bowel movement frequency?
244
00:09:47,500 --> 00:09:49,129
His penchant for younger women?
245
00:09:49,130 --> 00:09:50,859
LAUREN: Just relax!
Be normal.
246
00:09:50,860 --> 00:09:52,360
Ed is lovely, Mum.
247
00:09:54,030 --> 00:10:00,359
Emma, um, you know the ceramic
badger in your bathroom?
248
00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:01,930
Sammy Badger.
Lovely, isn't he?
249
00:10:06,530 --> 00:10:08,000
ED: So sorry.
250
00:10:15,360 --> 00:10:16,799
CLIVE: So!
251
00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:18,329
Ed.
252
00:10:18,330 --> 00:10:20,860
How are your bowels?
253
00:10:24,460 --> 00:10:26,030
[Both laughing]
254
00:10:28,930 --> 00:10:30,299
Everything okay, Alan?
255
00:10:30,300 --> 00:10:33,299
Fine! But would you excuse
me for a minute?
256
00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:34,700
Need the bathroom.
257
00:10:38,030 --> 00:10:39,799
It's going great!
You can leave.
258
00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:41,599
I'm having dinner first.
And you're paying.
259
00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:43,929
Least you can do after
I've helped you find love.
260
00:10:43,930 --> 00:10:45,859
Fine.
Just stop distracting me.
261
00:10:45,860 --> 00:10:47,129
What would you like
for a starter?
262
00:10:47,130 --> 00:10:48,429
What?
263
00:10:48,430 --> 00:10:49,829
Your starter, Alan.
What do you want?
264
00:10:49,830 --> 00:10:51,299
The mushrooms sound lovely.
265
00:10:51,300 --> 00:10:52,829
I'm not eating with you,
I'm eating over there!
266
00:10:52,830 --> 00:10:54,459
I'm on a date!
267
00:10:54,460 --> 00:10:56,429
So I'm just supposed to sit
here on my own, am I?
268
00:10:56,430 --> 00:10:57,529
Like Jennifer No Mates?
269
00:10:57,530 --> 00:10:58,529
I think not.
270
00:10:58,530 --> 00:11:00,729
I'll come over, they'll set
another place for me.
271
00:11:00,730 --> 00:11:02,059
ALAN: You're not coming over!
272
00:11:02,060 --> 00:11:05,700
Stay here, and stop
distracting me.
273
00:11:08,260 --> 00:11:09,599
MAN: Yes, madam?
274
00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:12,499
We'll both have the mushrooms.
275
00:11:12,500 --> 00:11:13,559
LAUREN: Are those
276
00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:15,829
my Sylvanian Family badgers
up there?
277
00:11:15,830 --> 00:11:17,859
You're 33, Lauren.
278
00:11:17,860 --> 00:11:19,759
I've always been puzzled
by Sylvanian Families.
279
00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:21,699
I always wondered why horses
280
00:11:21,700 --> 00:11:23,329
were second-class citizens.
281
00:11:23,330 --> 00:11:25,859
Every other animal has clean
clothes, a nice house,
282
00:11:25,860 --> 00:11:27,559
even post office facilities,
283
00:11:27,560 --> 00:11:30,529
but the horses are still treated
like horses, like animals.
284
00:11:30,530 --> 00:11:32,859
Who cares about horses?
Real or not.
285
00:11:32,860 --> 00:11:34,430
I detest them, too brutish.
286
00:11:37,560 --> 00:11:40,559
Though I do like
"Wild Horses."
287
00:11:40,560 --> 00:11:43,359
- The Rolling Stones song.
- CLIVE: The Rolling Stones.
288
00:11:43,360 --> 00:11:46,529
Not fit to carry The Beatles'
guitar cases, eh, Ed?
289
00:11:46,530 --> 00:11:48,029
I'm afraid I rather
like them, Clive.
290
00:11:48,030 --> 00:11:49,899
I worshipped them
when I was young.
291
00:11:49,900 --> 00:11:52,829
I had every record, I used to
collect all their memorabilia.
292
00:11:52,830 --> 00:11:55,599
Best gig I ever went to was
the Good-bye Britain Tour,
293
00:11:55,600 --> 00:11:57,529
- London, must've been in...
- 1971, March!
294
00:11:57,530 --> 00:11:58,929
At the Roundhouse!
295
00:11:58,930 --> 00:12:00,599
I was at that gig!
You mean were there, too?
296
00:12:00,600 --> 00:12:02,259
- Yes.
- That's amazing!
297
00:12:02,260 --> 00:12:03,499
Isn't that amazing?
298
00:12:03,500 --> 00:12:04,829
Amazing two fools
like the Stones.
299
00:12:04,830 --> 00:12:06,429
Oh, when "Wild Horses" started,
300
00:12:06,430 --> 00:12:07,829
the hairs on the back
of my neck...
301
00:12:07,830 --> 00:12:09,229
For me, it was
"Sympathy for the Devil,"
302
00:12:09,230 --> 00:12:10,429
but I know exactly
what you mean.
303
00:12:10,430 --> 00:12:12,459
And opposite the roundhouse
there was the...
304
00:12:12,460 --> 00:12:14,459
- BOTH: Ice-cream parlor.
- Yes!
305
00:12:14,460 --> 00:12:16,559
TIM: Working,
306
00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:18,159
and paying taxes,
all that's for idiots.
307
00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:20,399
You've both worked for the Man,
308
00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:22,629
the System, and what have
you got to show for it?
309
00:12:22,630 --> 00:12:24,299
It's an okay house,
but it's not a mansion, is it?
310
00:12:24,300 --> 00:12:25,929
DEBS: You still have
to earn a living
311
00:12:25,930 --> 00:12:28,329
in this world, Tim,
in "the System."
312
00:12:28,330 --> 00:12:30,659
How are you going to do that?
313
00:12:30,660 --> 00:12:33,729
Things aren't like in your day,
Mum, the olden days.
314
00:12:33,730 --> 00:12:36,299
We have computers now.
And Twitter.
315
00:12:36,300 --> 00:12:37,499
Honest to God,
316
00:12:37,500 --> 00:12:39,499
Tim could earn a living
just tweeting.
317
00:12:39,500 --> 00:12:42,099
Political thoughts,
standpoints.
318
00:12:42,100 --> 00:12:43,559
Tell them what
you tweeted yesterday.
319
00:12:43,560 --> 00:12:45,429
"West Ham suck."
320
00:12:45,430 --> 00:12:47,429
ELLIE: "West Ham suck."
321
00:12:47,430 --> 00:12:49,159
Got retweeted
322
00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:50,899
174 times.
323
00:12:50,900 --> 00:12:52,059
And he's an entrepreneur.
324
00:12:52,060 --> 00:12:55,229
Go on, tell them about
your new invention.
325
00:12:55,230 --> 00:12:57,899
Okay, so you know those
fruit corner yogurts?
326
00:12:57,900 --> 00:13:00,329
Well, imagine one of them,
327
00:13:00,330 --> 00:13:02,999
but instead of fruit and stuff
in one corner,
328
00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:04,559
there's fruit and stuff
329
00:13:04,560 --> 00:13:05,830
in every corner.
330
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:08,200
Ah!
331
00:13:09,660 --> 00:13:11,159
You're not going to nick
that, are you?
332
00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:12,399
Why on earth
would we steal that?
333
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:15,730
For money.
To get a better house.
334
00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:27,459
Back then we went out to dance,
not to drink ourselves senseless
335
00:13:27,460 --> 00:13:29,299
like they do these days.
336
00:13:29,300 --> 00:13:30,829
- Another top-up, Mum?
- Yes, please, dear.
337
00:13:30,830 --> 00:13:32,529
Ahh, here we are!
338
00:13:32,530 --> 00:13:36,859
[Gasps] There I am
on the left at the gig.
339
00:13:36,860 --> 00:13:38,729
Just there.
340
00:13:38,730 --> 00:13:40,159
Don't I look young, Lauren?
341
00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:41,659
LAUREN: And drunk.
You've one eye closed.
342
00:13:41,660 --> 00:13:43,359
CLIVE: Ah!
343
00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:44,629
Photos of Lauren
when she was little!
344
00:13:44,630 --> 00:13:46,499
Oh, Ed doesn't need
to see them.
345
00:13:46,500 --> 00:13:48,559
Ed, if you look at those,
we're over.
346
00:13:48,560 --> 00:13:51,029
CLIVE: Oh, here's one of you
and Thingamajig,
347
00:13:51,030 --> 00:13:52,499
that boyfriend of yours,
what was his name?
348
00:13:52,500 --> 00:13:54,059
Robbie Walsh.
349
00:13:54,060 --> 00:13:55,699
You had a lucky escape
with that one.
350
00:13:55,700 --> 00:13:57,129
Thick as two short planks.
351
00:13:57,130 --> 00:13:59,299
He won't have amounted
to much in life.
352
00:13:59,300 --> 00:14:01,359
He's now MP for Cheltenham.
353
00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:05,030
Bet he's got a small majority.
354
00:14:07,030 --> 00:14:10,229
Mm. These are divine!
355
00:14:10,230 --> 00:14:12,230
[Mobile rings]
356
00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:19,929
Aren't you going
to answer that?
357
00:14:19,930 --> 00:14:21,559
And ruin a wonderful meal?
358
00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:23,259
LYDIA: [Whispers]
Alan!
359
00:14:23,260 --> 00:14:24,959
Alan...
360
00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:26,699
- Atchoo!
- Alan!
361
00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:28,399
Atchoo!
[Laughs]
362
00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:30,599
Damn pepper.
363
00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:32,399
Whoa!
I mean, would you like me
364
00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:35,130
to see if I can get
another bread roll?
365
00:14:36,300 --> 00:14:39,259
Quick here, aren't they?
Enjoy.
366
00:14:39,260 --> 00:14:40,620
Just nipping
to the bathroom again.
367
00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:45,229
What are you playing at?
368
00:14:45,230 --> 00:14:47,059
Trying to tell you
your starter is getting cold.
369
00:14:47,060 --> 00:14:48,599
I don't want that!
370
00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:50,199
I mean, I do,
that's what I've ordered,
371
00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:51,529
but over there,
leave me alone!
372
00:14:51,530 --> 00:14:53,029
If you don't sit down,
eat your food
373
00:14:53,030 --> 00:14:54,899
and enjoy my company,
374
00:14:54,900 --> 00:14:58,629
I'm going to march over there
and tell Mags I'm your ex-wife.
375
00:14:58,630 --> 00:15:01,099
- That you treat me terribly.
- That's a lie!
376
00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:02,360
Mags won't know that.
377
00:15:08,030 --> 00:15:09,959
Good.
378
00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:11,460
Now,
what shall we talk about?
379
00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:30,759
MAGS:
Don't they look delicious?
380
00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:32,200
Tuck in!
381
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:34,600
Mm.
382
00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:38,929
CLIVE: Every year chronicled,
every family holiday.
383
00:15:38,930 --> 00:15:40,299
Ah!
384
00:15:40,300 --> 00:15:42,029
Now, you see
this crisp packet here?
385
00:15:42,030 --> 00:15:44,499
I had those on Brighton Pier.
386
00:15:44,500 --> 00:15:46,359
28th of January 1988.
387
00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:48,629
- And?
- And that's it.
388
00:15:48,630 --> 00:15:50,599
Ready salted.
389
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:52,329
Memories.
390
00:15:52,330 --> 00:15:54,659
Put away your boring scrapbooks,
Clive, no one's interested.
391
00:15:54,660 --> 00:15:56,029
Ed, you know what else
392
00:15:56,030 --> 00:15:57,299
I did at the gig?
393
00:15:57,300 --> 00:15:58,629
I got on stage!
394
00:15:58,630 --> 00:16:00,059
I didn't want to brag,
395
00:16:00,060 --> 00:16:01,329
but what the hell.
396
00:16:01,330 --> 00:16:03,659
Mick even kissed
me on the cheek.
397
00:16:03,660 --> 00:16:05,199
CLIVE: [Laughs]
You've never told me this.
398
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:06,829
Mick Jagger
kissed you on the cheek?
399
00:16:06,830 --> 00:16:08,429
With his lips?
400
00:16:08,430 --> 00:16:10,359
He must've enveloped
your entire face!
401
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:11,699
ED: Lauren, would you tell me
402
00:16:11,700 --> 00:16:13,329
where the bathroom is?
403
00:16:13,330 --> 00:16:14,699
You've already been.
You know where it is.
404
00:16:14,700 --> 00:16:16,830
I have forgotten.
Can you show me again?
405
00:16:20,330 --> 00:16:23,529
CLIVE: Do you think
he's getting dementia?
406
00:16:23,530 --> 00:16:24,859
Ooh! [Laughs]
407
00:16:24,860 --> 00:16:26,929
What's going on,
what's the matter?
408
00:16:26,930 --> 00:16:29,559
Oh, is it Mum's casserole?
409
00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:31,199
The trick is to swallow
it as fast as possible,
410
00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:32,499
and try not to taste it.
411
00:16:32,500 --> 00:16:33,999
It's not the casserole.
412
00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:37,759
It's something so awful,
something so abhorrent,
413
00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:40,329
I can't even sugarcoat it.
414
00:16:40,330 --> 00:16:42,359
I'm going to have
to come out and say it...
415
00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:44,599
I can't say it.
416
00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:46,260
Say it.
417
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:49,529
Say it!
418
00:16:49,530 --> 00:16:51,329
I think I may have
slept with your mother.
419
00:16:51,330 --> 00:16:53,399
[Laughs]
420
00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:55,429
Why are you smiling?
421
00:16:55,430 --> 00:16:57,529
I don't know.
422
00:16:57,530 --> 00:17:00,100
Shock.
Maybe.
423
00:17:01,430 --> 00:17:02,759
Start explaining.
424
00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:05,129
1971, after the Stones gig.
425
00:17:05,130 --> 00:17:07,129
It was a heavy night,
I drank far too much,
426
00:17:07,130 --> 00:17:08,759
don't remember most of it.
427
00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:11,259
But what I do remember I was
going back to a hotel
428
00:17:11,260 --> 00:17:13,499
that some girl was staying at.
429
00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:15,229
Some blond girl.
430
00:17:15,230 --> 00:17:17,259
A blond girl who kept bragging
about getting up on stage
431
00:17:17,260 --> 00:17:19,599
with Mick Jagger,
and getting a kiss off him.
432
00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:21,829
Oh... my...
433
00:17:21,830 --> 00:17:24,099
flipping...
434
00:17:24,100 --> 00:17:25,799
bloody, bloody!
435
00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:27,099
EMMA: Lauren!
Edward!
436
00:17:27,100 --> 00:17:29,929
I'm putting out
my special trifle.
437
00:17:29,930 --> 00:17:31,259
We're coming, Mum!
438
00:17:31,260 --> 00:17:32,959
[Softly]
You filthy, brazen hussy.
439
00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:36,759
Why, why have you told me this?
440
00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:37,999
Would you have rather I hadn't?
441
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:40,959
Yes! No, of course not.
It's just -- Oh, God.
442
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:42,629
People have given me
443
00:17:42,630 --> 00:17:45,059
a lot of reasons for not dating
an older man --
444
00:17:45,060 --> 00:17:47,329
not enough in common,
different aspirations,
445
00:17:47,330 --> 00:17:50,329
different priorities, but none,
none, strangely, ever hit on,
446
00:17:50,330 --> 00:17:52,459
"Hang on, he might have
shagged your mum"!
447
00:17:52,460 --> 00:17:54,599
Ah...
448
00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:57,159
Okay, first things first,
449
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:59,229
and I have to ask this...
450
00:17:59,230 --> 00:18:00,999
Are you my real dad?
451
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:02,359
What?!
No!
452
00:18:02,360 --> 00:18:04,199
It was 1971.
453
00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:07,199
For me to be your father
you'd have to over 40...
454
00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:09,629
You're not over 40, are you?
455
00:18:09,630 --> 00:18:13,159
Really, really pushing
your luck now, mister!
456
00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:14,859
And you're positive
457
00:18:14,860 --> 00:18:18,899
that you and her...
had se--, had se--
458
00:18:18,900 --> 00:18:22,229
Had se-- Made whoopee?
459
00:18:22,230 --> 00:18:23,499
"Made whoopee"?
460
00:18:23,500 --> 00:18:24,899
Well, what do you
want me to say?
461
00:18:24,900 --> 00:18:26,159
"Bonked"?
"Sexed it up"?
462
00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:28,159
What?
- Case put.
463
00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:31,530
And, yes, I'm almost certain
that we... made whoopee.
464
00:18:32,830 --> 00:18:34,699
Almost!
465
00:18:34,700 --> 00:18:38,059
But the silver lining is
I don't think she remembers!
466
00:18:38,060 --> 00:18:39,399
We're in the clear.
467
00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:41,629
Yeah, we're in the clear.
468
00:18:41,630 --> 00:18:43,859
We're in it up
to our stinky armpits!
469
00:18:43,860 --> 00:18:45,399
Okay, look, this is what we do.
470
00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:46,399
We go downstairs,
471
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:49,459
act normal, eat her trifle fast,
then make sure, for certain,
472
00:18:49,460 --> 00:18:50,729
she doesn't remember...
473
00:18:50,730 --> 00:18:51,999
Making whoopee.
474
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:53,299
Lalala!
475
00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:55,159
Then we go home and we rock
back and forth
476
00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:56,529
in a corner
for a few weeks.
477
00:18:56,530 --> 00:18:59,059
Don't you think it might
be better if we came clean,
478
00:18:59,060 --> 00:19:01,129
got it all out in the open?
479
00:19:01,130 --> 00:19:05,359
No, no, the only thing I want
out in the open are your hands,
480
00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:07,599
so I know you're not groping
my mum under the table.
481
00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:08,920
Now, shift it, shift it!
Shift it!
482
00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:10,700
Get out!
483
00:19:16,530 --> 00:19:19,229
Quick, get me something
484
00:19:19,230 --> 00:19:21,429
to punch or break.
485
00:19:21,430 --> 00:19:24,229
I can't stand him!
486
00:19:24,230 --> 00:19:26,799
Opinionated, rude,
lazy, cocky little...
487
00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:28,229
He's got no prospects.
488
00:19:28,230 --> 00:19:29,899
The four corner yogurt's
a good idea.
489
00:19:29,900 --> 00:19:32,359
No, it isn't!
I don't want Ellie seeing him!
490
00:19:32,360 --> 00:19:34,559
I don't want our daughter
ending up with someone
491
00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:36,429
who put "chilling"
as a skill on his CV!
492
00:19:36,430 --> 00:19:38,029
But you can't say that
'cause you promised Ellie
493
00:19:38,030 --> 00:19:39,429
we were nonjudgmental parents.
494
00:19:39,430 --> 00:19:41,529
There's no such thing!
495
00:19:41,530 --> 00:19:43,429
Not really!
But you're right, I said that...
496
00:19:43,430 --> 00:19:45,230
Why did I say that?
497
00:19:46,530 --> 00:19:49,399
[Gasps]
Hang on a minute.
498
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:51,599
We can't say we want them
to split up,
499
00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:53,599
but we can do things
500
00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:55,599
that might make them.
501
00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:58,029
How would you feel about
entertaining them
502
00:19:58,030 --> 00:19:59,959
with some of
your infamous impressions?
503
00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:01,799
"Hey, Yoko!
I'm gettin' bed sores!"
504
00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:04,459
Terrible, perfect.
505
00:20:04,460 --> 00:20:06,459
So, get in there.
506
00:20:06,460 --> 00:20:08,030
[Clears throat]
507
00:20:09,030 --> 00:20:10,759
EMMA: Some more trifle, Ed?
508
00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:13,299
I'm fine, Emma, thank you.
509
00:20:13,300 --> 00:20:15,199
Oh, go on,
Lovely trim man like you
510
00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:16,459
can afford to indulge.
511
00:20:16,460 --> 00:20:18,299
Have some more
of my creamy trifle.
512
00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:19,559
I've had enough, thank you.
513
00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:21,529
No, I insist. Here.
514
00:20:21,530 --> 00:20:22,959
He said he doesn't want any!
515
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:25,459
Grumpy.
516
00:20:25,460 --> 00:20:27,299
She always did get edgy
when her boyfriends came round.
517
00:20:27,300 --> 00:20:29,599
Don't talk to Ed
about my ex-boyfriends.
518
00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:32,129
In fact, why don't we have
a chat about yours?
519
00:20:32,130 --> 00:20:34,529
Hmm, Mum?
The ones before Dad.
520
00:20:34,530 --> 00:20:36,399
Any that stick in the mind?
521
00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:37,929
Any brief encounters,
any one-night stands?
522
00:20:37,930 --> 00:20:39,759
Lauren!
What are you incinerating?
523
00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:41,129
Insin--
Insunner--
524
00:20:41,130 --> 00:20:42,399
Suggesting?
525
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:43,629
You're not drunk, are you?
526
00:20:43,630 --> 00:20:45,229
Please, you can count the amount
527
00:20:45,230 --> 00:20:47,229
of drunk I've been
times on one hand.
528
00:20:47,230 --> 00:20:49,099
LAUREN: Were you drunk
at that Stones gig?
529
00:20:49,100 --> 00:20:51,129
It's just that it doesn't
sound like you, Mum,
530
00:20:51,130 --> 00:20:52,699
- getting up on stage --
- EMMA: Whoopsie daisy!
531
00:20:52,700 --> 00:20:55,429
Oh, never mind.
It's only a tablecloth.
532
00:20:55,430 --> 00:20:58,699
Now I know you're drunk.
I'll go get a cloth.
533
00:20:58,700 --> 00:20:59,929
EMMA: Oh, live a little, Clive!
534
00:20:59,930 --> 00:21:01,829
With your scrapbooking
535
00:21:01,830 --> 00:21:03,929
and your cardigans,
and your ISA.
536
00:21:03,930 --> 00:21:06,129
Be a little more like Ed.
Lovely Ed.
537
00:21:06,130 --> 00:21:08,259
Can I tell you something, Ed?
538
00:21:08,260 --> 00:21:11,429
I wasn't looking forward
to you coming here tonight.
539
00:21:11,430 --> 00:21:14,159
But I felt it my duty.
540
00:21:14,160 --> 00:21:17,759
If you and Lauren break up,
and we all know the reason why
541
00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:20,099
that might happen --
the age gap --
542
00:21:20,100 --> 00:21:23,359
then I didn't want
her accusing me of not trying,
543
00:21:23,360 --> 00:21:25,759
not making you feel welcome.
544
00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:26,999
Thank you, Emma.
545
00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:30,099
You're welcome, Lovely Ed.
546
00:21:30,100 --> 00:21:32,629
With your lovely hair...
547
00:21:32,630 --> 00:21:33,959
Like the fur of a sexy badger.
548
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:35,329
LAUREN: Ah! She knows!
549
00:21:35,330 --> 00:21:36,999
She knows!
She's just playing with us!
550
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:38,699
- Lauren...
- No, I can't stand this!
551
00:21:38,700 --> 00:21:40,660
Mum! Have you and Ed
ever slept together?
552
00:21:41,630 --> 00:21:45,199
[Laughs]
553
00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:46,529
When we were young?
554
00:21:46,530 --> 00:21:48,299
In 1971?
The gig?
555
00:21:48,300 --> 00:21:50,530
You weren't drunk, we didn't go
to your hotel room?
556
00:21:56,930 --> 00:21:58,600
Oh!
557
00:22:00,360 --> 00:22:01,700
[Whimpering]
558
00:22:06,430 --> 00:22:07,859
What's up?
559
00:22:07,860 --> 00:22:09,229
What happened?
560
00:22:09,230 --> 00:22:11,399
Oh, Ed and Mum
have slept together.
561
00:22:11,400 --> 00:22:14,660
I was only out of the room
for a minute!
562
00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:21,899
Hmm. Someone's hungry.
563
00:22:21,900 --> 00:22:24,329
I'm not, though!
Not now.
564
00:22:24,330 --> 00:22:26,059
And I've another one
coming over there!
565
00:22:26,060 --> 00:22:27,359
Don't speak
with your mouth full.
566
00:22:27,360 --> 00:22:29,099
Now, what do you fancy
for dessert?
567
00:22:29,100 --> 00:22:31,829
I don't want dessert, and you're
not blackmailing me anymore.
568
00:22:31,830 --> 00:22:33,759
Because what will it be next?
569
00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:36,729
- Cheese and biscuits, I imagine.
- Listen to me, Lydia.
570
00:22:36,730 --> 00:22:39,929
I am going back over there,
back to Mags, and I don't want
571
00:22:39,930 --> 00:22:42,229
to hear from you
for the rest of night.
572
00:22:42,230 --> 00:22:44,699
You don't know me.
We've never met before.
573
00:22:44,700 --> 00:22:47,499
- Okay. What's in that for me?
- Glass of wine?
574
00:22:47,500 --> 00:22:50,029
I want you to get me one of Ed's
shirts, the purple one
575
00:22:50,030 --> 00:22:52,759
with the white cuffs, sprayed
with his favorite aftershave.
576
00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:54,260
Deal.
577
00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:02,599
Sorry about that.
Must be the nerves.
578
00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:05,659
Looks heavenly,
doesn't it?
579
00:23:05,660 --> 00:23:06,659
ALAN: And more.
580
00:23:06,660 --> 00:23:08,499
MAGS: Oh, I didn't know
how you wanted your potatoes,
581
00:23:08,500 --> 00:23:11,100
so I got you them all.
582
00:23:14,330 --> 00:23:16,129
Oh!
583
00:23:16,130 --> 00:23:17,800
Mm.
584
00:23:20,500 --> 00:23:23,329
Open up, Mum!
We need to talk.
585
00:23:23,330 --> 00:23:24,899
You can't stay in there forever.
586
00:23:24,900 --> 00:23:25,929
EMMA: I can.
587
00:23:25,930 --> 00:23:27,159
I'll rearrange my soaps.
588
00:23:27,160 --> 00:23:28,559
I'm so sorry about this, Clive.
589
00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:29,959
But it was one night.
590
00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:31,599
It was before
you and Emma had even met.
591
00:23:31,600 --> 00:23:33,229
I suppose so.
592
00:23:33,230 --> 00:23:35,329
And at least it means we have
something in common now.
593
00:23:35,330 --> 00:23:36,729
Ah!
594
00:23:36,730 --> 00:23:38,559
Mum, if you don't
open this door,
595
00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:40,499
I'm going to start
smashing badgers.
596
00:23:40,500 --> 00:23:42,729
Okay, the Sylvanian badger
family
597
00:23:42,730 --> 00:23:43,900
are going in the microwave!
598
00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:51,959
I can't remember everything.
599
00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:54,159
I remember enjoying some drinks,
600
00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:55,559
the gig, dancing,
601
00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:56,929
- getting up on stage with Mick.
- And then?
602
00:23:56,930 --> 00:23:58,499
That's it.
603
00:23:58,500 --> 00:24:00,359
So you don't know,
for sure, if you and Ed...
604
00:24:00,360 --> 00:24:01,559
Did the dirty.
605
00:24:01,560 --> 00:24:03,129
We're using the term
"making whoopee," Dad.
606
00:24:03,130 --> 00:24:05,499
You don't know if you took Ed
or anybody back to your hotel?
607
00:24:05,500 --> 00:24:07,129
No, I did,
because my friend Polly,
608
00:24:07,130 --> 00:24:09,799
who I went to the gig with,
told me next morning.
609
00:24:09,800 --> 00:24:11,729
"Back in my day,
we went to dance,
610
00:24:11,730 --> 00:24:13,699
not to drink ourselves
senseless."
611
00:24:13,700 --> 00:24:15,859
I'm as upset
about this as you are!
612
00:24:15,860 --> 00:24:18,999
I don't like the idea that
I might have once... once...
613
00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:20,329
Made whoopee.
614
00:24:20,330 --> 00:24:22,459
EMMA:
With my daughter's partner...
615
00:24:22,460 --> 00:24:24,359
Oh.
Will you have to split up now?
616
00:24:24,360 --> 00:24:26,330
- No.
- Don't know.
617
00:24:27,700 --> 00:24:29,999
You've slept with my mum!
618
00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:32,229
Just think about that sentence.
619
00:24:32,230 --> 00:24:34,829
It's the sort of sentence
you read at the bottom
620
00:24:34,830 --> 00:24:36,199
of "The Jeremy Kyle Show"!
621
00:24:36,200 --> 00:24:38,059
Hold on! Hold on!
My ticket!
622
00:24:38,060 --> 00:24:39,659
I remember he, whoever he was,
623
00:24:39,660 --> 00:24:41,199
he wrote his name and number
624
00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:43,160
on the back of my gig ticket.
625
00:24:51,030 --> 00:24:53,159
Nope, can't remember.
626
00:24:53,160 --> 00:24:54,859
LAUREN:
Do you still have the ticket?
627
00:24:54,860 --> 00:24:56,459
A ticket from
over 40 years ago?
628
00:24:56,460 --> 00:24:58,159
Yes!
I think it's in my coat pocket.
629
00:24:58,160 --> 00:25:00,929
CLIVE: Blue binder.
Gold lettering on the front.
630
00:25:00,930 --> 00:25:02,359
Your mum's things,
631
00:25:02,360 --> 00:25:03,559
the stuff before I met her,
632
00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:05,029
I put it all
into scrapbooks years ago.
633
00:25:05,030 --> 00:25:06,929
- Do you know where it is?
- In the loft.
634
00:25:06,930 --> 00:25:08,459
Can you find that
blue scrapbook?
635
00:25:08,460 --> 00:25:10,259
There's quite a few.
636
00:25:10,260 --> 00:25:13,299
Over 120 volumes
at the last count.
637
00:25:13,300 --> 00:25:15,559
EMMA: Spent half his life
making scrapbooks.
638
00:25:15,560 --> 00:25:18,759
Better than collecting badgers!
639
00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:20,699
They're vermin, Emma!
640
00:25:20,700 --> 00:25:22,200
Vermin!
641
00:25:23,230 --> 00:25:25,229
KEITH: "Uh, y'know,
642
00:25:25,230 --> 00:25:26,599
w' y' sayin', Tim?
643
00:25:26,600 --> 00:25:28,199
Think you can take me?
644
00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:30,529
You wanna fight me?"
645
00:25:30,530 --> 00:25:32,059
TIM: "The Elephant Man."
646
00:25:32,060 --> 00:25:34,429
Rocky Balboa!
647
00:25:34,430 --> 00:25:36,759
Mum!
You said he wouldn't do this!
648
00:25:36,760 --> 00:25:38,200
[Mobile sounds]
649
00:25:39,060 --> 00:25:40,859
KEITH: All right,
650
00:25:40,860 --> 00:25:43,129
you tell me who your favorite
artist is and I'll do them.
651
00:25:43,130 --> 00:25:44,460
Deadmau5.
652
00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:56,029
[Whispering] Lauren?
I can't talk.
653
00:25:56,030 --> 00:25:58,059
I'm just trying
to split up Tim and Ellie.
654
00:25:58,060 --> 00:26:00,259
Mum's done the worst thing ever.
655
00:26:00,260 --> 00:26:01,929
She made her casserole.
656
00:26:01,930 --> 00:26:04,099
- She might have slept with Ed.
- Bye, Lauren.
657
00:26:04,100 --> 00:26:05,699
I'm se--
I'm serious!
658
00:26:05,700 --> 00:26:10,959
It was years ago, but Ed's sure
he and Mum... y'know?
659
00:26:10,960 --> 00:26:12,599
Just answer me this --
are you calling to tell me
660
00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:14,029
that Ed's our real dad?
661
00:26:14,030 --> 00:26:16,159
No!
Dad's Dad!
662
00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:18,599
It's just...
Ed and Mum!
663
00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:20,959
Take my mind off it
for a minute.
664
00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:22,759
What's the matter with Tim?
665
00:26:22,760 --> 00:26:25,259
Everything, and yet Ellie
thinks he's wonderful.
666
00:26:25,260 --> 00:26:27,599
And unless Keith's
Worzel Gummidge works,
667
00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:29,629
there's nothing
I can do about it.
668
00:26:29,630 --> 00:26:30,999
Try sleeping with him.
669
00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:32,999
Believe me, once your mum's
done that,
670
00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:34,859
it causes
all sorts of trouble.
671
00:26:34,860 --> 00:26:36,459
Like I'd do that...
672
00:26:36,460 --> 00:26:40,259
Oh. But if he took some bait,
flirted with me...
673
00:26:40,260 --> 00:26:42,259
Thanks for the advice, sis!
674
00:26:42,260 --> 00:26:43,529
Debs, no.
675
00:26:43,530 --> 00:26:44,999
It wasn't...
676
00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:47,000
It wasn't advice.
677
00:26:48,330 --> 00:26:49,700
[Sighs]
678
00:26:53,530 --> 00:26:57,099
You're not really
a food lover, are you?
679
00:26:57,100 --> 00:26:59,359
Of course I am!
Look at the size of me!
680
00:26:59,360 --> 00:27:01,359
You're probably
just a fish and chips man.
681
00:27:01,360 --> 00:27:03,699
You don't appreciate
the subtle flavors
682
00:27:03,700 --> 00:27:05,029
and art of food at all.
683
00:27:05,030 --> 00:27:06,759
I do!
I really do!
684
00:27:06,760 --> 00:27:08,399
Then why aren't you enjoying it?
685
00:27:08,400 --> 00:27:10,699
I've been eating
two meals tonight.
686
00:27:10,700 --> 00:27:12,899
See that lonely woman
sat behind you?
687
00:27:12,900 --> 00:27:14,529
I brought her along for support
688
00:27:14,530 --> 00:27:16,429
in case things
weren't going great.
689
00:27:16,430 --> 00:27:19,159
But then she forced me
to eat a meal with her.
690
00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:20,829
I'll prove it.
691
00:27:20,830 --> 00:27:22,230
Come on.
692
00:27:25,430 --> 00:27:27,899
Lydia, tell Mags who you are.
693
00:27:27,900 --> 00:27:29,599
Sorry?
Who are you?
694
00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:31,099
Lydia!
Stop messing about!
695
00:27:31,100 --> 00:27:32,599
Lydia? Who's Lydia?
I'm Lauren.
696
00:27:32,600 --> 00:27:34,359
You're not!
She's not!
697
00:27:34,360 --> 00:27:37,530
I asked her to lie for me,
and now she's lying.
698
00:27:39,200 --> 00:27:41,000
Mags!
Please come back!
699
00:27:41,900 --> 00:27:43,529
Look!
700
00:27:43,530 --> 00:27:45,860
I'm starting
to get my second wind!
701
00:27:46,930 --> 00:27:50,930
Well, you've well and truly
blown that one, Alan.
702
00:27:55,160 --> 00:27:59,099
CLIVE: Ah! "The Rolling Stones,
703
00:27:59,100 --> 00:28:00,929
Saturday 20th of March,
704
00:28:00,930 --> 00:28:02,829
1971."
705
00:28:02,830 --> 00:28:04,130
EMMA: That's it!
706
00:28:05,400 --> 00:28:07,059
I don't want to know!
707
00:28:07,060 --> 00:28:10,729
Who cares if you had a one-night
stand four decades ago?
708
00:28:10,730 --> 00:28:11,799
It's not like Ed could've known,
709
00:28:11,800 --> 00:28:13,299
like he's cheated on me,
is it?
710
00:28:13,300 --> 00:28:16,229
It's not going to change
the way I feel about him.
711
00:28:16,230 --> 00:28:17,759
Ah, that's so sweet.
712
00:28:17,760 --> 00:28:19,500
But I still need to know!
713
00:28:23,230 --> 00:28:27,399
It's faded, but there's
a phone number on there,
714
00:28:27,400 --> 00:28:29,259
and a name, looks like,
715
00:28:29,260 --> 00:28:31,459
"Nick" or "Mick."
716
00:28:31,460 --> 00:28:34,429
ED: I thought you said
it didn't matter.
717
00:28:34,430 --> 00:28:35,659
It's doesn't,
it's just nice to know
718
00:28:35,660 --> 00:28:38,259
I'm the only member of my family
you've slept with.
719
00:28:38,260 --> 00:28:39,399
Oh, my clever Clive!
720
00:28:39,400 --> 00:28:41,099
I'll never criticize
your scrapbooks ever again.
721
00:28:41,100 --> 00:28:42,629
You definitely got up on stage?
722
00:28:42,630 --> 00:28:46,799
Yes! Although, now I think
about it, I wasn't the only one.
723
00:28:46,800 --> 00:28:48,259
Mick loved the ladies.
724
00:28:48,260 --> 00:28:49,729
Mick.
725
00:28:49,730 --> 00:28:52,929
The man who wrote this,
it couldn't have been --
726
00:28:52,930 --> 00:28:55,559
No. I'd have definitely
remembered him!
727
00:28:55,560 --> 00:28:57,600
Wouldn't I?
728
00:29:10,500 --> 00:29:12,060
Clive?
729
00:29:25,900 --> 00:29:27,299
That's right,
730
00:29:27,300 --> 00:29:28,799
help yourself
to another beer, Tim.
731
00:29:28,800 --> 00:29:30,029
And if there's
anything else want.
732
00:29:30,030 --> 00:29:32,699
Anything.
Just take it.
733
00:29:32,700 --> 00:29:34,399
Grab it.
734
00:29:34,400 --> 00:29:36,299
Anything you fancy.
735
00:29:36,300 --> 00:29:37,559
Don't be shy.
736
00:29:37,560 --> 00:29:40,330
'Cause remember --
I'm Sweet Mama Debbie.
737
00:29:55,230 --> 00:29:56,460
Cheers.
738
00:30:03,200 --> 00:30:06,800
I just saw what you did.
739
00:30:08,230 --> 00:30:11,859
Thank you so much
for making him feel welcome!
740
00:30:11,860 --> 00:30:13,699
You were right,
it was a good idea.
741
00:30:13,700 --> 00:30:16,160
I love you so much.
742
00:30:17,330 --> 00:30:19,400
I think me and Tim are forever!
[Squeals]
743
00:30:21,960 --> 00:30:25,860
Subtitle by peritta
744
00:30:25,910 --> 00:30:30,460
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