Original subtitles

Remember, don't get my dad started

on the economy, the state of the rail network,

or Michael Bubl?!

Do not mention Michael Bubl?!

Just noticed,

you're quite sexy when you're anxious.

Hey!

Don't say anything like that in front of my mum, will you?

In fact, don't say anything to my mum at first.

Just leave her to look around.

Let her come to you, assess you, see you're not a threat.

You're making her sound like a grizzly bear.

Grizzly bear!

Good. Keep that thought.

I've haven't wrapped her present yet.

And we haven't done enough food.

And I've still got to get changed and --

[Sniffs]

[Gasps]

Do I smell of dog?

So sexy.

Would you please go and have a cold shower? Please.

It's going to be fine, trust me.

Just do what I always do in tough meetings --

you think of the other person with no clothes on.

Completely naked.

Doesn't really work with parents, does it?

[Blows raspberry]



Subtitle by peritta

WOMAN: Why can't she ever go out with someone normal?

That's what I'd like to know.

If it's not some weirdo covered in tattoos,

it's someone with dreadlocks, or a Liberal Democrat.

Why can't she go out with one of the vets she works with?

They're almost doctors,

respectable -- but no.

I suppose we should have known what to expect from her

when she married Larry.

["Wedding March" plays]

[Barks]

She was only six.

Yes, and now she's 33, and seeing a man

old enough to be her own father!

Emma!

Don't worry, I'll be supportive of them.

It. The relationship.

I won't mention that people in the street will stare at them.

That when he was 33, she was 7.

Emma!

That my stomach churns when I think about them together.

That I'll cringe with embarrassment

if our friends and acquaintances find out!

Emma, If you don't shut up, I'm getting a tattoo!

And joining the Liberal Democrats!

No need to get worked up, Clive.

[Mobile rings]

At least one of our daughters turned out normal.

WOMAN: Honestly, I will throttle

the next person who farts in this car --

man or child!

Sorry, Mum, we had burritos last night.

Hey, put us on speaker, we've got a surprise for you.

And 2...3...4!

 Happy birthday to you 

One time!

 Happy birthday to you 

Two time!

- Happy birthday, dear Mum  - Grandma 

 Happy birthday to you 

Happy birthday, Mum!

Mum?

Mum?

She must've gone into a tunnel.

Or died of shame.

Kirsten just sent me a text.

They're all going to Ibiza this summer.

I can go, can't I?

-Ha! -Why not?!

You're too young, I don't trust your boyfriend,

and you'll get drunk and fall off a balcony.

K.O., Mum!

Is your hearing going in old age?

-I'm not going with Jake! Dad? -Yeah, you can go.

-Yes! -Keith?

As long as you've got the money to pay for it.

Which you haven't.

Oh, K.O., Dad!

Well played, sir.

You do know you're adopted, don't you?

Ellie! Today's going to be hard enough without you acting up.

God knows what this new fella of your auntie's is like.

What kind of a man goes out with a woman

26 years younger than him?

A lucky man.

Did I just say that out loud?

He's probably sleazy.

He's got some horrible illness, having one last fling

with a young, hot woman before he snuffs it.

Not that I'm saying Lauren's overly hot.

Well, she's hotter than you are.

Oh? Is she?

That's a shame, because it's a well-known fact

that daughters end up looking like their mothers.

Read it and weep!

Tha-that's not true! It can't be!

Oh, it is, love.

I've noticed your mum's started to get

that pouty, annoyed face that your grandma gets.

I look nothing like my mum!

And I never will.

I moisturize, for one thing,

so I won't get her crow's feet.

EMMA ON MOBILE: You're aware I can still hear you, Deborah?

Acknowledge me, Deborah!

Deborah!

[Laughter]

If you build it, he will come.

Shame I can't have any.

Why not?

He's trying to lose weight.

He's even got a hypnotherapist coming round.

Here? Today? My parents are coming!

Probably be better if he's asleep -- less chance of him

saying something wrong.

I can't cancel. She's booked up for months.

Look, Alan,

forget hypnosis, just eat less.

No, no, no, it's not as simple as that.

I've got the wrong kind of DNA.

Uh, I'm your brother.

My dad worked in a crisp factory when I was little.

He was forever bringing home boxes of samples.

I never stood a chance.

Again! Brother!

If I get thin, toned, then I can meet someone

to go to restaurants with, go on picnics with.

Someone to drive to the coast,

for ice cream and fish and chips.

Someone to tell you you've piled the weight back on.

Look, forget hypnotherapy.

I've got a surefire way of helping you lose weight.

Stop eating cake!

Hmm.

And put some clothes on.

Oh, Alan doesn't mind.

It's a sibling's job to tell the truth.

You're not going to be that blunt with my mum, are you?

She doesn't respond well to jokes.

Or ribbing. Or other's people's opinions.

Whatever she says, whatever she does, I will bite my tongue.

I'll...

just tap her on the nose like a naughty puppy.

[Barks]

[Doorbell rings]

CLIVE: Well, he's got a big house.

Yes, so have dictators and drug barons.

Just remember, if he's bald, fat, smelly, just smile,

and talk about the weath-- [Laughs]

Lauren! Hug!

And you must be Ed!

Own hair, teeth, good.

And about time we met!

How long is it you've been courting now?

4 months and 12 days.

Clive, why has it taken us so long to meet Ed?

You said your stomach churned

every time you pictured them together.

His little jokes.

Your little jokes!

Oh, God.

Don't worry, I'll handle it.

Not her... Her.

Spying on us with binoculars now?

Don't flatter yourself, Eddie Bear.

Thought I saw an eagle on your hanging basket.

I haven't got a hanging basket.

Eagle flew off with it.

Who's that woman?

That's Lydia.

A lady who lives next door... Ed's ex-wife.

You are bloody kidding! Really?

-Mm-hmm. -Cozy!

"A birthday party for Lauren's mum."

God, you really know how to twist the knife,

don't you, Eddie?

No one asked you to rent the house next door.

I wanted to stay close to our friends, our lovely neighbors.

Oi! Number 7!

Keep that rat off my lawn, else I'm buying a crossbow!

So, Ed's still friends with her?

Not "friends," as such.

They divorced three years ago.

Lydia was quite fragile,

so Ed promised his kids and his grandkids,

he'd keep an eye on her.

He's a grandfather!

He's a grandfather.

Does she still come round here?

Sometimes.

If we forget to lock the doors and windows.

Actually, let's get inside now.

She's got a really good throwing arm, come on.

LYDIA: Look at us.

Me over here, you over there

with that gold-digging strumpet.

Where did it all go wrong for us?

Well, that's a poser, isn't it?

for me it was when I found out you'd cheated on me.

-Everyone makes mistakes. -With two different men.

-So not that many. -For 18 months.

You won't let that drop, will you?

This is an important day for Lauren, can you please

not do anything crazy or weird for the next few hours?

I can't promise that, no, but, I will allow your soir?e

if you'll do me one small favor in return.

Go on.

Take me back so we can start again.

She'll break your heart!

And when she does, don't come crawling back to me!

Call me!

That's not a fridge, it's a double wardrobe.

What is it he does again?

He owns a few car garages.

EMMA: Garages.

Your dad took the car

to one of those Walker's Wheels last week.

They charged us ?80 just for a new set of wipers!

[Laughs]

Oh no. What's Ed's surname?

Can't remember.

You don't remember your own boyfriend's surname?

Early days. He hasn't told me yet.

Fine! It's Walker! He owns Walker's Wheels.

Just don't tell Dad, he'll lecture.

Ed'll get you a refund.

Don't be silly! No need for that.

It's not as if Ed's family, is it?

He's not family, Lauren.

What's Dad got in his hand?

Looks like an old piece of...

Oh, my God!

He's not asking Ed the Questions, is he?

CLIVE: Do you ride a motorbike?

-ED: No. -CLIVE: Good.

-Have you got a job? -I own a few garages.

Do you?

I had run-in with a garage only last week.

And sorry, I should've updated this,

only Lauren's had so many boyfriends,

it's ingrained.

I'll skip the part about her A-Levels coming up.

Have you ever been in trouble with the law?

No. Yes.

1964. Caught scrumping.

Are you a habitual drug user?

Does Gaviscon count?

I shouldn't think so, no.

And finally...Ed.

Do you or do you not know how to put on a condom?

[Knocking on window]

Stop! Stop! Stop asking the Questions!

Mr. Alan Walker?

I'm --

Beautiful. Sorry.

Rachel.

Your hypnotherapist,

Of course. I am feeling sleepy, very, very sleepy.

I'm not, I'm joking.

Please, come in.

If you'd like to go down to the study,

I'll go and pop on some pants.

[All gasping]

ELLIE: Ugh.

Auntie Lauren must be well desperate.

Keith, stop staring.

KEITH: But it's gray down there.

I never... When does that happen?

Keith!

LAUREN: No harm done, Charlie!

I bet you hardly saw anything, did you?

It looked like Albert Einstein.

EMMA: So not only does your ex-wife next door,

but your naturist brother lives with you, too?

Until he's back on his feet. Yeah.

EMMA: And when will that be?

Once we've trained him to dress himself.

KEITH: These two delinquents are mine.

This is Charlie,

a.k.a. C-3PO.

He's always breaking himself,

we're always putting him back together.

Mad on "Star Wars," aren't you, 3PO?

No, it's rubbish.

Ha! He says the same thing

about my Scalextric -- his Scalextric.

And this is Ellie,

who's pestering to go away on holiday to Ibiza.

Great idea -- yeah, my daughter went at a similar age.

-Loved it. -Ooh!

KEITH: Yeah. We've said she can't go.

So what do you think of him?

How old would you say he was,

I mean, if you saw him in the street. 50?

-Mmm. -40?

30? Come on, Debs, even I know he doesn't look 30.

Anyway, it's not just about his looks.

Ed's just...just Ed.

We just fit.

You mean you're both idiots?

It's a nice house for an idiot, though.

Mmm.

I assume you're not paying half the mortgage?

But I pay half of everything else.

Half the bills, half the food, half the sexy undies.

-What? -Think I need a drink.

We've just got you one.

Mmm.

Yeah, I've struggled with me weight all me life.

The name calling.

"Fatty," "Tubby." "Three-seats Alan."

Mum could be so cruel.

You shouldn't let it get to you.

Lots of women prefer larger men.

It's true.

I do.

They're more protective, more snugly.

Plus, standing next to a fat man makes you look loads thinner.

Hey, don't let your husband catch you saying that.

Haven't got one. I'm single.

Is that so?

Actually, Rachel,

I don't think I want hypnotherapy now.

Relax, it's completely safe.

I'm sure it is, but it's work for you.

We could do something else.

My brother's hosting a party. There's a buffet.

You could watch me eat a pork pie.

If you don't want a session,

then I'll be off to my next patient.

Okay, then I do want hypnotherapy.

I want you to stay.

Let's get rid of this belly.

This belly...right here.

So, you don't approve of me and Ed?

Not now -- Mum's about to lie about her presents.

EMMA: Oooh! I love it!

I love it! I love it!

The receipt's in the pocket.

Thank you.

And who's this from?

"Ed and Lauren."

Not "Lauren and Ed," "Ed and Lauren."

I see.

Oh.

Oh, it's...

It's fantastic!

What is it?

It's a homemade banana hanger! It's for hanging bananas off.

Oh. I've banned bananas.

They're too much hassle.

I swear, they can go straight through your father in an hour.

Emma!

LYDIA: Sorry I'm late, everyone!

Get your feet off that sofa, kid.

Happy birthday, Lauren's mum!

What's she doing here?

I dunno.

I thought we'd double-bolted the door.

Don't worry, Lauren's mum,

I've brought you a little something.

What is it?

It's a bomb!

Ah!

ED: A bath bomb.

You did that on purpose.

I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about.

You shouldn't be here, Lydia.

I beg your pardon!

This is my house! That's my husband!

-Ex-husband. -"Tomahto," "Tomayto."

Yes, we may be divorced, Ed,

but a piece of paper doesn't just stop me caring about you,

worrying about you,

fantasizing about you.

And you don't mind me celebrating

your special day, do you, Lauren's mum?

-Well -- -That's settled, then.

No need to show me where the drinks are kept.

I chose this rug. Catch.

Ooh!

You can't seriously live with that on the doorstep.

Don't worry, Auntie Lauren.

You won't be living here long anyway.

Mum said Ed's probably got a disease,

so he's having his one last fling before he, uh...

snuffs it!

Yeah.

I never said that.

But you did. She definitely did.

But on the plus side, he has got a swimming pool.

You've got a swimming pool? Can I have a go in it?

Well, we bought you some trunks especially.

I love you, Uncle Eddie!

Uh!

ED: I am sorry about Lydia.

I'm sorry about Debs!

I knew Mum wouldn't be cock-a-hoop about us, but Debs?

We've always been there for one another.

You just keep an eye on your lot, and I'll do the same

with Lydia, and we'll get through this.

But then what?

More family birthdays, anniversaries, Christmases,

as far as the eye can see.

We'll cope, and if we don't,

we'll run away from our families,

adopt aliases.

Sounds like fun.

Who would we be?

Hmm, let me think.

I'd be Parker van der Rounderback,

Dutch bank robber,

retired and hiding in Cuba,

and you'd be Miss Tiffany Goodboob.

secretary by day, burlesque dancer by night.

Two jobs?

I'm not doing two jobs while you sit in the Cuban sun all day.

No way.

Fine, I'll be Goodboob.

[Dutch accent] Ja, that is much better, for sure.

Have we got any cola?

Hurry up!

I need coffee. Tell me!

I am not sure you need any caffeine, Alan.

She's beautiful.

She likes bigger men, but she's going to hypnotize me!

Make me thin!

I can't let her put me under!

Gotta stay awake.

CLIVE: Ed?

I'd like to talk to you.

Clive, I can put one on in the dark.

Oh, no, it's something more serious, I'm afraid.

It is about you being Edward Walker

of Walker's Wheels.

Pack your bags, we're off to Cuba.

Yep.

No, it's boring.

I'm having to watch my brother while he swims.

CHARLIE: Ellie! I'm going to do a jump!

Ibiza?

Yeah, Soz,

I've talked to my mum and dad.

They might not exactly, totally, let me go.

Of course, I didn't tell them I was going with you!

No, she won't change her mind.

'Cause my mum treats me like a terrorist --

she will not negotiate with me!

CHARLIE: Ah!

ELLIE: Dunno.

It's like they don't trust me, think I'm irresponsible.

[Groaning]

RACHEL: Alan, completely relaxed, I want you to step

off the last step, drift into the water,

and as you drift and as you float, I want you to imagine

that you are entering your favorite restaurant.

Where are you, Alan?

ALAN: It's hazy,

but I can see a big letter "M."

RACHEL: Good.

Now I want you to think about what you'd normally order.

Your favorite food. What is it?

Double cheeseburger.

RACHEL: Good, now --

Large fries, large cola.

Another cheeseburger.

Now I --

Two apple pies for pudding.

Now I don't want you to order that.

Instead I want you to order a fresh, green, healthy salad.

What are you going to order?

Cheeseburger.

And it's not just your parts and labor,

it's your vending machines as well.

I paid ?1.80 for a Twix in one of your garages.

?1.80.

I will gladly reimburse you, Clive,

if only we can finish this conversation.

It's not the money, it's the principle.

And I'll tell you another problem

with your waiting rooms -- the magazines.

Now, I enjoy Steam Train Monthly.

LYDIA: Look at them over there.

Our men.

Well, not exactly.

-So what do you think of Ed? -He seems very nice.

You don't have to pretend to me, Lauren's mum.

You're as against their relationship as I am.

It's as plain as the nose on your face.

Or your dress.

And if you're not against Ed now,

you would be if I told you what he was really like.

I'm not in the least bit interested.

All right.

Start talking.

It's fine, it's fine.

I've just come out here to escape from Clive.

Ha-ha!

Has he asked you the Questions yet?

-Oh! -He's a good man, is Clive.

Taught me how to put a condom on properly.

Thank God. [Chuckles]

Can't afford any more kids.

Sorry about before, dropping you in it with Ellie.

I'd let her go on holiday, meself, but it's just the money.

I mean, you know how things are.

I could lend you something, so she can go.

No, no, no. Could you?

No! I can't!

I can't. You're sure?

Positive.

I'd probably only lend it to my grandson otherwise.

Spongy little sod.

Kicked out of university.

He's never done a stroke of work in his life.

Is he about yea big with dark hair?

He's not standing behind me?

No. Nothing like that.

Thank God, he's all I need.

He's in your house, finishing off your cognac.

DEBS: [Sighs]

You want the truth? Fine.

I do think he's too old for you.

So you're siding with Mum?

You don't approve of me and Ed?

She approves. Look at her smiling.

Oh, please, that's the smile she uses

when we give her bad presents.

I can't believe you're taking Mum's side!

After all she's put us through.

The family holidays from hell,

the family Christmases from hell.

The knitwear. From hell!

You're supposed to be on my side -- you're my sister.

Yeah, but I'm also a mum.

[Laughs] No, you're not!

Yeah, I suppose you are to your kids.

Uh-huh!

But what's that got to do with it?

Everything!

Okay, what if you want a family? Ed is this close to his 60s!

You might be left bringing up a kid,

a teenager, God forbid, on your own.

I could do it.

Nah. [Laughs]

Being a parent's not like globe-trotting.

I'm settling down now.

I'm training to be a veterinary nurse.

Okay, well then, parenting's not like

cleaning up after animals.

Oh...actually, it is.

Okay, my point is,

you need two active, fully functioning adults,

to keep an eye on kids at all times.

Mum, I fell and my arm popped out.

No big deal, happens all the time.

All I'm saying is, why take the risk?

And would you be taking the risk if Ed wasn't so rich?

-CHARLIE: Mum! -How very dare you!

I don't even think Mum would say something like that!

She would and she did.

On the phone last night.

Don't get on your high horse, Lauren.

When you're a parent you just want to protect your child.

CHARLIE: Ah!

You did the wrong one!

Uh! [Coughs]

My own Grandpappy Ed,

begrudging me one single, small glass of cognac.

It's not the drink, it's more the two grand in rent

I've lent you over the past few months alone,

which I want paying back with interest.

How about you lend me three grand, then I give you back

two grand, I have a grand left, everyone's happy.

-CHARLIE: Ow! -What's the matter?

Are you worried I'm embarrassing you

in front of your new family?

Funny-looking lot.

Look like the Addams Family if they shopped at Primark.

ED: Rude. And they're not my new family.

Do you want me to put a good word in for Lauren

to Granny Lydia, to get her off your case a bit?

And how much is that going to cost me?

"How much..." That is -- I am insulted

you'd even -- 100 quid would do it.

Ooh, she's nice.

Hi, I'm Tim.

Hi, I'm not interested. Dad, this fall.

I begged Charlie not to climb up -- he didn't listen.

3PO's fine, your mum's putting his arm back on now.

Ah!

And I wanted to talk to you about this holiday.

I'm going to give you the money to go.

ELLIE: You're not kidding?

Oh, you're the best dad ever!

Why can't you lend money that easily?

Without all the rigmarole?

ALAN: I'm kind.

I'm caring.

I've still got most of my teeth.

Knock it off, Alan!

I know you're not hypnotized!

Hypnotized people don't use

their subconscious as some form

of dating website!

Fine, we'll play it your way, then.

Remaining within the blissful pool,

I want you to bloody stand up.

Now take off your shirt.

He didn't?

He did -- he refused to eat any of it

because I made the gravy too thin.

And Ed's not just particular about his food --

he carries that attitude into the bedroom.

Have you read "Fifty Shades of Grey?"

Of course you have.

Anyway, take what's in that, times it by 10,

and you're still nowhere near what that deviant's into.

Here, I'll show you.



Oh!

To think, my daughter's seeing a man who's 10 times worse

than Christian Grey.

Uh, whoever he is.

-Hi. -Hi.

I didn't know you smoked.

Just started.

I've got my ex-wife making bomb threats,

my grandson scamming me,

and your dad telling me my company will stand or fall

depending on which waiting room mags I provide.

You think you've got it bad?

My nephew's dislocated half his body, my sister

thinks I'm a gold digger, and my mum --

my mum is being nice!

Where'd you get that from anyway?

Keith. Cost me 500 quid.

So Ellie can go on holiday.

I was enjoying that.

You're too old to start smoking!

So, you accuse me of being with Ed for his money,

and then your husband borrows money off him.

Keith?

Only so Ellie could go on holiday.

Thought we'd said she couldn't go.

We did.

But Ed persuaded me it'd be better if she went.

EMMA: Ed? Ha!

I wouldn't listen to anything that deviant says!

What have you got to say about that?



I would say that's a waste of a perfectly good pineapple.

Oh, now he's eating it now. That's unhygienic.

Oh, don't play the innocent!

This is the sort of thing you like.

Lydia's told me all about your sordid secrets,

isn't that right, Lydia?

[Door closes]

I have come here today, on my birthday,

I have tolerated an age-gap relationship,

naked strangers, and bomb scares.

But I will not allow my daughter to be subjected to this --

this fruit salad-based debauchery!

Oh, is this what the banana hanger's for?

Some secret code between like-minded perverts?

TIM: Hold on, My grandad might be tight-fisted,

but he's no weirdo.

As if I'd believe anything you have to say!

Yes, your grandma told me all about you, too.

Though I suppose you'll deny

that you're an ill-mannered, thrown-out-of-university,

lazy little know-it-all.

Nope. Granny's got me spot-on there.

ELLIE: What's going on?

You're not going on holiday, that's what's going on.

But Dad said I could!

I've just told Jake I can go!

Jake? You're definitely not going now!

Uh!

EMMA: See? You've upset Ellie now!

And you're upsetting Lauren!

All she wanted today was for us to meet and get along.

But you don't seem able to do that,

whether it's because of the age gap,

or just the fact I like having casual sex with fruit.

Joke! I'm not the dirty old man from Del Monte!

The bottom line is I love Lauren,

and I think she loves me,

and I hope and pray that we will be together

for a long time.

If you can't get used to that,

if you can't be happy for us, then you know where the door is.

But happy birthday.

Best K.O. ever, Uncle Eddie!

Cheers, Charlie.

And, Emma, I can assure you, there is nothing untoward

or weird going on under this roof.

RACHEL: Now glide into the kitchen.

ED: Apart from that.

Ohh!

RACHEL: Knew you were awake!

You deserved that.

I couldn't let you hypnotize me, get me thin.

Thought that's what you wanted.

What I want is a lady in my life.

You're a lady, you like bigger men...

So you tricked me.

You know what that makes you?

A big fat liar!

Two out of three ain't bad.

Rachel! Wait!

I'm starting to get paper cuts!

Well, even though I was a bit hasty

believing what that Lydia said,

you can hardly blame me, can you?

And you stop me worrying.

You and your sister, Charlie and Ellie,

even your dad, you all get it wrong

if I don't keep an eye on things!

Believe me,

I'd love to switch off, but I can't!

So, unless you've some magic potion

to make me stop worrying, I'm afraid you're stuck with me.

Well, there is one thing.

RACHEL: Stepping off the last step,

I want you to drift into the water.

DEBS: This isn't going to work.

LAUREN: If we've a chance, even a slim one,

of Mum being less full-on

and off our backs for the next 30 years...

DEBS: Please let it work.

LAUREN: And if it does, you're next.

You won't change my mind that Ed's too old for you.

But I admit, what he said was sweet.

Does he throw his cloak over puddles for you as well?

[Laughs]

Does he get confused by the fast, modern world?

Oh, absolutely.

I'm forever trying to explain to him

that electricity isn't magic,

and it'll be months before he grasps

how to fit the Internet into his computer,

or his "space typewriter" as he likes to call it.

[Snickers]

But you know what?

With him, I'm the happiest I've ever been.

Mmm.

Only because he's got a swimming pool.

I think we just got our first seal of approval.

Oh!

Thank you for today.

But I'm afraid if you've got me, then you've got this lot, too.

So, would you sooner end it now, walk away?

Ed?

Shh. I'm thinking.

Not funny.

[Crying]

You're doing it all wrong.

More sniffs, more snot.

Sod off!

My boyfriend just dumped me

'cause I can't go on holiday with him,

after saying that I could.

Then what are you crying for?

Are you broken?

What I am saying is, if he dumped you

for something like that, then he can't have been

much of a boyfriend in the first place.

RACHEL: Still counting down --

3...

I want you to be calm and at ease,

with all matters relating to your family --

2...

You have nothing to worry about.

And when I touch your arm --

1...

You will awake

feeling happy, refreshed,

and relaxed.

Mmm. Mmm.

[Laughs]

Mum? How do you feel?

Oh, I feel...

I feel...

[Gasps]

[Screams]

[Clears throat]

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