Original subtitles

- It's Song of Songs, from the Bible!

This part of the Bible is not talked about on our radio.

And money for the sick?

You have my word! You'll get even more!

- Much more!. - But not for the oratorio.

- But it's my best piece! - Is it important?

Right.

You said you were going to give up composing.

Kostus.

Kostus...

Agree, please.

- It's best for all of us. - It's sick! No way!

- You'll get 25 per cent. - That's four million.

I'll donate another 4 million for the treatment.

Well...

But we are completely not alike.

You will be.

So, will you be Jesus?

On every street in Poland?

Maybe we should reduce the dosage?

SWEDEN

FOUDATION

MONEY

PARLIAMENT

FOUNDATION

MONEY

No!.

Libido!.

Gentleness!

Blood!

Sex!

Foremother!

Foremother!

You help me!

Hug it.

- What are you doing, son? - What?

- Did you strain yourself? - Yes, a little bit.

The sushi's so good.

From the best place in town. I'll take you there.

I visited my father's grave. I took some flowers and I thought we

- could get him a marble tombstone? - He wasn't your father.

What?

The man...

you're talking about was not your father.

- What are you telling me? - The truth.

Antoni Chmurski was not your father, Kostek.

So who was?

You have passed all the tests. You have been qualified.

Hi, Luna! We were just talking about new exercises.

In vocal emission.

I wanted to talk about that. Can you leave us alone?

How could you announce in public I don't scream during climax?!

- I didn't. - Don't lie!

It just came up.

By itself? You discuss my orgasms with a stranger?

- Mine. With the director. - She doesn't have to know everything!

You're too closed.

- She wants to open you up. - Making me lick a cow's liver?!

Inga says licking raw meat helps you open up!

- It's bullshit! - You're being vulgar and aggressive.

Surprised? My girlfriend pimps me out for money!

We need it! We can't let our movement die!

- Women need us! - They can do without seeing

- me make love to Kostek. - Make love?

- I don't have to? - It must be controlled sex.

Just like ours?

Orgasm specialist, right?

Oh, Jesus!

No, no, no! Wrong again! Concentrate, Luna!

- I'm trying! - You're not!

- But the beginning was good? - Yes. Phase one - correct...

but in the climax - disaster. You screamed "e!"

Do you see any "e!" here?

Everyone may experience orgasm differently.

In private! But not on camera.

The film should reflect an average European female orgasm.

How do you know how European women scream?

From Svenska Feministforbundet!

- What? - Swedish Feminist Association!

Research proves that an average European female moan is:

There's no "e!", not mentioning "Oh, Jesus"!

- Why did you shout "Oh, Jesus"? - Jeez, just escaped my lips!

It can't "just escape".

It's secular porn. Free from religious miasma.

You work for a secular television, free from...

- religious miasma! - Religious miasma!

It's more complicated than it looks, sir.

Make a programme about my new film or I tell your wife.

Thank you, I will. Regards for your wife, too.

Don't piss me off! Where are you?

At "Half Serious". I'll call you later.

Go there and pin the rat.

Norbert!

I'm serious! It's a matter of life and death.

So maybe you show us an optimal European orgasm.

Here you are.

Or not.

I've got a better idea.

Yes. Yes!

Is it good?

Ignore the male voice. Just some noise.

- How could you?! - You scared me!

- You recorded us making love? - Just an exercise.

- Exercise? - Sound practice.

You're crazy!

Daftness runs in your family, careful what you say.

- And nasty! Don't say such things! - I'm nasty?

I'm nasty? I looked after you at uni!

I patiently stood your fucking fears and hysterics!

"I'm great, I suck, I will, I won't... "

So self-absorbed. Never thought about me.

- I did. - Right, when you wanted to shag me!

I mean work.

You think I work at a recording studio because I like it?

I always liked the film. But no,

I got hired at this studio

to produce fantastic pieces of my brilliant boyfriend,

whom I loved and who didn't love me!

- I wanted to. - To hell with "wanted"!

You can't extort love. It's like a thunder, unpredictable.

A thunder? How do you know that?

You are scared of thunderstorms.

Not anymore. I mean...

Not so much.

Exactly on the same day

our pilgrims on stilts enter Czestochowa.

Leon asked to tell you that he can't imagine

a lack of report about this momentous occasion.

Am I boring you?

No, of course not!

But why hurry so much?

- What? - Despite the declaration,

the motorway construction plan is still in its infancy.

- I don't understand. - Well, if so,

then for the next few years our roads won't be safer.

Don't get hysterical, there'll be lots of dead bodies.

- What are you talking about? - There's no need to rush.

I will make a programme about something else,

and we'll come back to the "Jesus Asks" campaign next week.

Are you even listening? It's about the pilgrim virgins!

Their entrance to Czestochowa is connected with the campaign.

I don't want to be in your shoes if it doesn't work out.

Angry Leon can be very...

How much...?

- Mayhem. - Well, a lot, then.

Oh, no.

He spoiled it. Stepped in and spoiled it.

Father Wakary will tell us about

natural methods for flagellation wound disinfection.

But first let's listen to the number one piece,

"Virgin Oratorio" by Konstanty Chmurski.

While listening, please say a short prayer

for the seven virgins, who are heading for Czestochowa,

to thank Our Lady of Jasna Gora for their marriage to her beloved Son.

- I hate this piece. - But people love it.

Teresa, why are you so sad? What happened?

Nothing.

- Plesica made problems? - No, he agreed to everything.

He'll make the programme we tell him to. Don't worry.

- Father Leon Wodzien. - Boss, it's not like you said.

- In what sense? - We don't have 7 virgins.

- Six? - Well, fewer...

- Four? - Fewer...

How many?

- One. - What?

- But there were seven! - I know, but...

2 had a sunstroke, 3 ran away, one lost her faith. So there's only one.

She has to get there!

I don't care how. She has to! You're in charge of that!

Amen.

Forever and ever.

What's wrong?

Nothing. Everything's just fine.

- And the agreement? - What agreement?

Ours. You promised me 4 million. We need to sign.

Right. We will. We always do.

You know, when I look at you, I must say you take after him a bit.

- Uncle, please... - Teresa!

- Come on, he does look like him. - What?

Yes, yes. Perfect.

You see?

Perfect!

Sorry, sweetheart.

I know it's a difficult moment for you.

The film, the preparations, the stress...

You may think I don't support you. But I do.

I am with you at all times.

Even when I am not with you. Physically, I mean.

I will always be with you because I'm very much...

in love you!

Listen...

- Remember what you said about Kostek? - I said so many things about him.

At the beginning. That he was the perfect guy for me.

I remember that.

- You really think so? - Well, yes.

He is handsome...

Nice...

Bright... For a man, of course.

- Do you want to tell me something? - I'm not sure.

Please. I beg you. Not now!

- Not this late! - But...

I can't find anyone else now. Too late.

He's staying.

- Are you nuts? - Please call me Rysia.

- Or Ryszarda. - Ryszarda, I disagree!

- The director says it's a must! - No, no, no! I resign!

I agreed to have my cock shaved. That's it!

- Can you explain this? - He'd rather die than have a pedicure.

- What pedicure? - It's Inga's idea!

Inga said she'd never let him on the set with rough heels!

- He'll scratch her treacle. - What treacle?

- Beetroot treacle. - Are you crazy?

Can't I leave you alone for five minutes?

We are not interested in his heels. Go and bring him back!

Kostek!

- You find it funny? - Sorry.

We're almost ready! The lips are most important.

The lips of Mother Earth.

You do everything on the lips. Brilliant, isn't it?

A small masterpiece.

- But the lips are sticky. - It's beetroot treacle!

- I don't want to lie there naked. - The treacle's essential!

- Tell her! - Well, if Inga says so...

Definitely! During sex we'll be sprinkling, from up here,

water, all over you! But don't worry. Warm water.

When the water starts dissolving the lips,

without stopping, you will sink in,

as the treacle dissolves, into the entrails of Mother Earth.

- Unification with nature! - What do I do before I sink in?

Whatever you want. Sucking, licking, penetration.

Don't make me tell you how to fuck. Don't you know it yourself?

Sit here and wait.

- No pedicure! - Okay!

- There'll be no pedicure! - Promise?

I promise.

Don't be so nervous. Concentration is key!

- I'm not sure. - Concentrate and it'll be great.

- How could I have agreed to do this? - To be honest, I have no idea.

Since you've agreed, I want to tell you that

since I first saw you, I knew you were...

- Perfect, I know. - No, it's not that.

I don't know how to put this.

But I'm happy I met you.

Remember!

Concentration.

Concentration.

It's only 5 minutes!

No way! The programme's about the virgins in Czestochowa.

- This can't be combined with a porno! - I don't want to.

Actors enter the studio in a cake and you say you'll get back to the topic.

You've gone out of your mind.

But my Swedish investors are coming! Without you I might not get the money!

Sorry, Klara, it's your problem. Don't call me when I'm working.

Am I disturbing you?

Concentration. Concentration. Concentration...

Concentration...

You can do with me whatever you want, but

don't dare kiss me on the lips!

Concentration's over.

- How's your hysterics? - Vanished.

Good! I've brought you a pedicurist.

- But Rysia promised. - Kostek, show some professionalism!

- You can't fool me, doctor. - Doctor?

- Yet another level of the test? - Test?

This stage is redundant. I can do without.

I don't quite understand. You can do without?

Without drugs.

What can you do without them?

This.

10 DAYS BEFORE

Look up, at the sky. From underneath.

Now one hand. Don't cover your face! Good!

Fantastic! Bravo!

Very, very good! I think we have it!

You were great! Perfect!

Right, Leon? Praise him at least once.

Boy, how are you sitting! Sorry, he's always like that.

There's someone here who would like to meet you.

- My nephew. Father Gracjan. - I heard a lot about you.

It was brilliant!. Honestly, I'm impressed!

But I don't know what you are talking about.

It's over, doctor! Stop this idiotic farce!

And? I'm a bitch, aren't I?

What are you doing?

You swine!

Kostek, please, stop her! Luna!

Luna! She means nothing to me! Stop her!

I pray to you, God, may my mum and uncle be healthy.

- Uncle, is Auntie my mum now? - Yes.

Mummy! I'm scared!

Kostek, come here! We need to sign it!

We've already signed it.

Come here! We need to sign it!

- We've already signed it. - But 2, and we need 4.

How could you deprive him of the rights to his own image!

- Just protecting our interests. - By swapping the contracts?

Leon!

- You can't do good doing evil! - Don't give me platitudes!

I've been saying them for 40 years in homilies.

God...

- You're so cynical! - Pragmatic!

Kostus believed you so!

He trusted you!

- He loved you like a father! - And I loved him!

I still love him! But he disappointed me!

- He was too weak! - You promised him the money!

You know it's not only... about money!

The world is sick and evil! People bathe in sin and immorality!

They worship false idols and slight the true God!

If we are to build an empire which will oppose it all,

we can't leave its fate with an emotionally unstable lunatic.

- Kostus is not a lunatic! - He is. Just like his mother!

And the father too!

You know well that this isn't his fault.

I know.

I know.

As his uncle, who brought him up, I feel sorry for him.

But as the president of a radio station with a mission

I can do only one thing:

cut him off, like dead weight.

Otherwise we will never take off.

Daddy!

Aren't you sleeping yet?

- Where's mum? - Home at last!

Klara's here. Why don't you answer your phone?

- It's gone dead. - No problem at all.

Beautiful photos.

- What a happy family. - Come here to us!

When they were little

with dolls. And this is Santa!

Will you really be on all road signs in Poland?

Yes. Almost.

And you won't get a penny for it?

Your uncle's quite a son of a bitch.

True, he's got a great mind. Like your Klara.

- Sorry I hit you. - I got used to it.

- Did it help? - For a while.

Good.

- Why did you film me? - I didn't.

Don't lie!

To hell with me if I'm lying!

Okay...

I believe you.

Pregnant? What?!

You said you love me and now she's pregnant?!

- I don't know how. - Ask your cock!

Luna, please...

- Don't be vulgar! - Get out of my life!

- But, honey... - Get lost! Now!

Not my shit, Luna, please!

Luna, save the shit! Not my shit.

I love you, Luna!

You really wanted to be in the film?

No.

Kiss me.

On the lips.

No way. So you can beat me up?

I will if you don't.

I love you.

I know.

You are so beautiful.

Nah.

Shit, no.

Find Luna immediately!

- Hello. - I've been looking for you!

I'm with Kostek. We've been practicing.

Great! Tomorrow live in Plesica's studio.

We'll make a great show! Will you tell Kostek?

- I will. - Go back to practicing!

What did she say?

There'll be a great show.

- Starring you and me. - I don't want any show.

Yes, you do.

Me too.

We'll get those who have hurt us.

All of them?

What was that?

The tape got tangled? In your ass! Fix it!

Sorry, TV makes one boorish. All right there?

- I can't see our board. - You will.

- We go live in 50 min.! - We're late. An hour. Or two.

- But the pilgrimage...! - Yes! It's a volcano.

Such is television. Excuse me, I'm being called.

- What? - No pass for the cake.

- You ordered it. - Me?

That lady said so.

We're running late! An hour or two.

- But they're entering Czestochowa! - You've got to stop them!

Shit!

Stop them? How?

- But we're almost there. - Have her circle!

Circle until you get permission to land!

Stop! Stop!

Stop there!

We're going back! Here!

Sorry for my obnoxious behaviour.

But remember that it was all due to hormones.

I love only you. Do you hear me?

Maria?

- Teresa! Wait! - Leave me alone, Ryszard!

I only want to know where's Maria!

She's in bedlam. Get off my back!

Luna, say something, please.

Fuck off!

You know who this is?

- Yes. - You don't know.

Your son.

SLOW DOWN!

I've wanted to tell you for the last 33 years.

I've seen Ryszard!

Why's he here?

I've no idea.

Quick, make-up and to the studio. We're going on the air!

- We were to be late. - We're running early!

This is live TV: a volcano, a geyser! I have to go.

Call Kajetan!

I have to obey the rules! Only family members!

- To hell with the rules! - Watch out, don't be aggressive.

What about piles of dead presidents?

VECTOR OF TRUTH

Hello, today we'll talk about road safety.

My guest is Fater Leon Wodzien, the creator and editor of

Always a Virgin Radio.

We'll get back to the safety matters, now let's change the subject.

1-2-3 start!

An unusual pilgrimage...

Shit, it was our turn now!

- Sadly, in its course... - Bastard!

the number of pilgrims has decreased. Mainly due to the bad road condition.

They are difficult to ride on.

Czestochowa's on the line. Hello! Father Kajetan?

Do you hear me, Father?

The last three metres! I'm moved!

I'm deeply moved!

Sorry.

- Shit, Norbert, the fun is over! - Put the mike aside! Now!

Pardon?

Don't you dare enter with the cake!

I see Czestochowa has fallen! Let's get back to the roads!

Dad's weird today.

This is the sign which will appear everywhere in Poland.

We believe that with God's help they will

- increase road safety... - Now back to Czestochowa.

Father Kajetan!

Tired but smiling! Exhausted but happy!

The boldest of the bold is finishing

the virgins' thanksgiving pilgrimage to the Poles' favourite sanctuary!

First impression?

It was amazing! May I say something?

Sure!

I'm not a virgin.

I've done it out of love.

For my husband.

We haven't been getting on lately and...

I know he thought I didn't love him any more.

But it isn't true!

I love you, Szymek!

And my love...

is as great as this fucking effort!

Norbert, do something!

The cake! Get the cake!

Geyser, volcano! Such is live TV!

After this touching love testimony let's switch gears.

Well, not really, as we're still in the vicious circle of love!

A difficult and controversial love, but

Cupid has many faces!

Next week, on this show, we'll present an innovative venture.

Here at last.

The first Polish feminist erotic movie! In a bit, the nucleus,

a first taste of the topic! The leading actors!

We got married!

Will you bless us... Uncle?

My name is Konstanty Chmurski and I'm in a feminist porno.

And it's me on the posters lining every road in Poland!

But I also agreed to play the role of Jesus,

asked by Leon Wodzien, director of Always a Virgin Radio, and my uncle!

It is not true!

It's not true, as I don't know this man!

Do something!

You bitch, how could you marry someone else?!

- Kick him out! - Leave me alone!

Don't touch me, you... white tick!

I loved you so much! I loved you so much!

I still love you, Luna!

I could hardly marry a married man!

You don't know love! You deceived me and your family for 3 years!

You don't love anyone. Except maybe the fake shit collection

you brought to me after your wife threw it away!

Let's go for a walk.

Mum!

It's all a conspiracy of liberals and Satan!

I repeat: I don't know this man!

- I don't know him! - Don't lie, Leon!

Teresa!

- Teresa, calm down! - I'm fed up with these lies!

Teresa Wodzien!

My name is Teresa Wodzien!

I'm the sister of this...

priest, and Jesus here...

is his nephew, the son of my sister Maria.

Our son!

- He's nice, isn't he? - This man's crazy.

- Which camera do I speak to? - This one.

Maria!

Maria, if you can hear me: it's all my fault!

I was scheming against Ryszard.

I forged his letter in which he dumped you.

I wanted you to be unhappy like me.

I destroyed your life.

I'm sorry!

I am...

a lesbian.

I'm a lesbian.

A den of iniquity!

I've fought it all my life, but...

I can't anymore.

I am so full of love.

Full of love.

It's all a conspiracy of liberals and Satan!

Conspiracy... of Satan and liberals.

Your meds, Mr Gebauer. Mr Gebauer.

Your meds!

TWO WEEKS LATER

Are you OK?

Yes.

- Shall I make dinner? - Yes, I'm starving.

You thought you could just escape?

- I don't want to talk, doctor. - Then why don't you make me leave?

You may stay. I don't care.

- Really? - I'm not testing anything else.

But you never did. It was just a placebo:

water and some natural colouring.

Yes, Kostek.

The only purpose of my research was to test for

hereditariness of mental illness. We both know that

everything that happened was only a figment

of your sick mind.

- Not true! - Denial won't change anything.

You can't escape from madness.

It'll never be over.

It'll go on. It'll grow.

Until it devours your entire life.

Bullshit!

Along with the life of this naive girl.

I decide when to leave.

Kostek!

Kostek!

Kostek!

SLOW DOWN!

Don't do it again!

Don't you ever do it again, will you?

I must protect you from myself.

I love you and want to be with you!

But I'm a nutter, Luna. I will alwaysbe.

If you're crazy, then what do you call the others?

ONE YEAR LATER

May I ask for your autograph?

Have you got it?

LOVE YOUR CHILD AS I LOVE YOU

Subtitles: Edited by sam89