All language subtitles for The New Normal s01e06 Bryanzilla.eng

Here we go.

I'll be right back with some
parmesan and red pepper,

and let me know if there's anything
else I can get you.

Just a defibrillator and a cardiac needle.

I know this restaurant is a little heavier
than what you guys are used to,

but Shania wanted to go to an authentic
Italian place where they serve

real ranch dressing breadsticks, to make
her big surprise announcement.

That's okay, you know,
I read the other day

that Americans are eating
too many vegetables.

So this is great.

Thank you all for coming.

It is very important to me

that you be the first to
know about my life change.

This boy at my school, Wilbur...

mom, you know the one with
the really intense eyes...

he came up to me at recess,
and at first,

I thought he was gonna
throw a red ball at my head...

he's such a flirt...
but instead...

(Bell rings) Shania,

we've been friends
for how long now?

Three, three and a half weeks?

Feels like four.

I don't really understand
how time works.

I got a check minus
on that section,

but I want to spend
my whole life with you.

I know you might have
to go back to the midwest,

but I can't let you leave
without telling you how I feel.

You make me want
to be a better boy.

Shania,
will you pretend marry me?

I'm getting pretend married.

We're registered at toys "r" us.

What is happening?

Bryan: He put a ring on it.

Shania's pretend wedding
is so romantic.

Hmm.

What?

What are you thinking about?

I can't believe
you've never been here before.

I would've brought you here
like, three dates ago.

Isn't it fun being with
all the beautiful people?

I predict
they're gonna get married

and have beautiful,
soy latte-complexioned babies.

Is that Madonna
and Guy Ritchie?

Oh, my God, I've been reading
people magazine because of you.

I'm so proud of you.
It's where I get all of my news.

They're like,
the perfect couple.

Till death do they part.

No, I read that
Madonna can't die.

She had that procedure done.

Oh, yeah. I want
to get married someday

and live happily ever after,
don't you?

Sure, I also want to be
a seven-foot-tall center

for the Chicago bulls,
but that's not gonna happen.

I don't know what that means. Marriage
for guys like us, it's a fantasy.

Gay people can have fabulous
commitment ceremonies,

but until it's sanctioned

by the U.S. government,

it's nothing more
than just playing house.

Yeah, but the emotions are real.

I mean, it's still
a declaration of love.

Until every single
consenting adult in this country

can marry whomever they choose,

I refuse to even
consider getting married.

That's so unromantic.

But so political
and Harvey milk hot.

Um, okay,
so marriage is off the table.

What about kids?

That, I'd be interested in...

With the right guy.

Bryan, what are you
thinking about?

Nothing.

Bumblebee, it's almost 9:00.

Helmet lights out.

You should be sleeping,
not mining for coal.

Sorry, mom.

I just had to finish
sketching my wedding dress.

I was thinking it could be
made out of autumn leaves,

symbolizing Wilbur's and my
willingness

to grow and change with
life's tempestuous seasons.

Plus, they make a
funny crunch sound.

Honey, having a pretend wedding
is kind of a big deal.

You sure Wilbur's ready
to be a one-girl boy?

Mom, I'm not you
and Wilbur's not dad.

We love each other.

Don't you remember how you felt

when you first got engaged?

Hit a Turkey, baby.

If I throw a strike,
will you marry me, baby?

No, I'm serious.

My belly is as big
as that bowling ball.

Is that why you're asking?

You know, 'cause you have to?

Yes. Oh.

Yes, 'cause I have

to be with you every
single day of my life.

Always and forever, with or
without this baby we made.

I love you, Goldie, and I
want you to be my wife.

I love you, too.

Yes.

Yes, I'll marry you,
for better or worse.

You know what, baby,
you're right.

You can't stop love.

So you'll make my dress?

If you promise me one thing:

No sex until you're at least 25.

I couldn't possibly earn
a doctorate until then.

Plus Wilbur and I talked

about living in the French wine
country for at least a year

before even discussing kids.

Get some sleep.

(Sighs) Love is the most
wonderful feeling of them all.

Ooh. Ooh.

Hamachi tartare
on crisped wonton,

chipotle marinated flank steak,

and my favorite,
the lamb slider.

Now, the lamb might get
a little breathy,

but we can have a mint amuse
bouche on hand if need be.

Got it.

My dad can't afford a new leg.

These all look so foreign.

Were you up all night
making them, Rocky?

No, but I was up
all night hating my life.

Okay, so I've ordered
the gardenias,

I sent out the invitations.

Now, Goldie, where are we
with the dress?

Uh, I think I'll just
make her something myself.

Okay, so we're gonna need
a dress.

What's going on?

We're planning my wedding.

I thought it was
a pretend wedding.

It is, but it's
a real pretend wedding.

Duh, David.

You take that crazy Baton.

I am going to go have a drink.

Bryan, mmm-hmm?

- Can I talk to you for a second?
- Yes.

Let me know if that's too chewy.

A wedding?

A real wedding?

With flowers and food
and a dress?

I'm surprised you didn't hire
a monkey to be the ring bearer.

I tried, but the only one in
town is booked on some TV show.

Bryan, Shania is a nine-year-old
girl with a crush.

If she wanted a fantasy
playground wedding, I get it.

But not everybody
wants what you want.

This is becoming
the social event of the season.

Oh, from your lips.

Question: Do the Kardashians
have any school-age children?

(Doorbell rings)

Can someone please explain
to me what the hell this is?

Oh, yeah, that's Shania's
wedding invitation.

We wanted to do a customized
presentation box,

but there just wasn't
enough time.

And we couldn't agree
on a ribbon.

Why are you doing
this to Shania?

Oh, Nana, it's just
a pretend wedding.

No, see,
that's what these gays do.

They "pretend"

you can define
what marriage is.

Today it's two children.

Tomorrow,
it's the banana polishers.

Next thing you know,
they're gonna have

a wedding for their dog.

Actually, we had a
commitment ceremony

for smelly and mabel,
the schuler's boxer,

last spring, and that beef
bouillon fountain went over big.

(Whispers): Not helping.

Marriage is not for dogs,

it is not for children,

and I'm sorry, boys,
but it is not for you.

Mrs. Forrest, there was a
time not too long ago,

when it was illegal for black
people to marry white people.

Kept things organized.

When the state of California

finally makes gay
marriage legal,

my partner and I will be
getting married, right, David?

Right?

I don't know.

Aw, cinderfella.

Looks like that glass slipper
doesn't fit.

And this sham wedding
isn't happening, either.

Bryan, Willow Smith just rsvp'd.

It's gonna be a no.

Well, this is the
worst day ever.

Okay. I have personally hand-picked

each and every one of you girls

because I've seen the Romney
sticker on your parents' car.

That, and you know how to sit

with your legs together.

We have ourselves
a very big problem, ladies,

and I need the help of every one
of you future one million moms.

Now, I'm sure you've heard
your parents speak to you

about the sanctity of marriage.

Sure, marriage is between
Adam and Eve,

not Adam and Steve.

That is very good, Reagan.

Gay marriage is currently legal

in six states.

My mom says that's six too many.

We have a freezer in our garage

filled with ziplock bags
of our blood

in case we ever need
a transfusion.

We don't want gay blood.

My Uncle was gay,
but we cured him.

Now he's a youth pastor.

Now, we need to stop
this wedding nonsense

between Shania and Wilbur.

But it's a pretend
wedding, just for fun.

Fun? Marriage isn't supposed
to be fun.

Marriage is a sacred vow
taken between a heterosexual man

and a woman, preferably
over the age of 18,

to stay together
until death us do part.

And do you know why?

So you can have somebody

to find your body when you die.

You don't want to be
that weird smell

coming out of an apartment
full of cats, do you?

Hello, welcome.
Guests of the pretend groom

to the right, the
pretend bride to the lef...

Wait a minute, booger man,
you're gonna need

to take that thing out of
that nose, you understand?

Ew. Hey! How are you?

Hey, cute poncho, welcome.

Shania: Ready?

Bring it on out here.

Let's see the magic.

What do you think?

I can't believe your mother
made you that beautiful dress.

I love it. I'm not
even lying this time.

My mom's good at lots of things.

Well, all eyes
are going to be on you.

You and the
build-your-own-sundae bar.

Now what about vows? Did you like
that Neruda poem I sent you?

I think it would
be really brave

if you attempted
his original Spanish.

Think I'm just going to wing it.

That never works.

But great.

Bryan, there aren't
a lot of people

who'd take this
as seriously as you.

So, thanks.

- You're crushing the leaves.
- Okay.

Shall we?

We shall.

- Goldie?
- Oh.

Clint, hey.

What are you doing here?

Rocky called me.

Said she needed
someone to officiate

a ridiculous waste
of time and money.

You're a minister?

No, I'm an E.M.T.

But do you need a real minister
to do a fake kids' wedding?

Oh, right.

I just said yes
so I could see you.

Hey, I'm sorry
I never called you back.

It's just, I've been dealing
with a lot of stuff lately,

and I'm not ready
to go on dates just yet.

Wait.

It was for a date, right?

Yes.

It was definitely a date.

Ooh.

Cheers. (Giggles)

Okay, Wilbur, how's that?

It feels tight.

- Oh, here, loosen it up.
- Like a noose.

I can't breathe.

And I'm hot. God, is it hot?

Okay, all right...

What the hell am I doing here?

Relax, buddy.

There's no reason
to be nervous.

I'm ten, dude, and I'm about

to lock this down with Shania.

Like, forever.

How could I not be nervous?

Because none of this is real.

You're not signing anything,

you don't have any
legal obligations,

it doesn't affect your
taxes or anything.

It's just pretend.

So just smile and say "I do."

It doesn't mean anything
in the real world.

Yeah, you're right.

Thanks, man.

Pound it.

You're the best.

(Chuckles)

Hey.

I guess you heard that stuff.

It is what it is.

That's how you feel.

Hi, everyone, and welcome.

We are gathered here today
to join Shania and Wilbur

in holy pretend matrimony.

Why am I even watching this?

I feel like
my eyes are bleeding.

Like there's actually blood
seeping from my eyes.

Oh, Nana, will you stop?

This is important to Shania.

I'm tired of you
being so unsupportive.

And now, Shania has requested

a spoken word reading
of her favorite poet.

(Clears throat)

(Applause)

"Right thru me" by Nicki Minaj.

"You let me win,
you let me ride

"you let me rock,
you let me slide

"and when you looking,
you let me hide

"defend my honor,
protect my pride

"the good advice,
I've always hated

"but looking back,
it made me greater

"you always told me,
forget the haters

just get my money,
just get my weight up."

Honey, I love Nicki Minaj.

(Applause)

Come on, you don't think
this is a little ridiculous?

Look, at their pretend divorce,

you can sit in the pretend
courtroom and gloat.

But just...
until then, just shush.

Thank you, Rocky.

And, everyone,

please welcome
our pretend bride.

(Piano playing "bridal chorus")

Now, I think, Shania, you have
something you wanted to share?

All my life, I've always known
I was different.

I like to read
instruction manuals.

I put sour cream on everything.

There's no prescription
in these glasses.

Other kids always thought
that was weird,

so I never made
a lot of friends.

It made me feel alone.

Then I met Wilbur.

And he liked
all that stuff about me.

He made me feel like
it was okay to be who I am.

When I'm with Wilbur,
there's no room to feel weird,

because all I feel is love.

(Crowd aahing)

(Applause)

That's why I want to
pretend marry you.

Because when you find
someone who gets you

for who you are, you want to be

with that person
no matter what anyone else

has to say about it.

Wilbur, you have something
you want to share?

Um, Shania, I love you a lot,

and... I have
a piano lesson at 4:00,

so I need to leave by 3:30.

(Laughs)

Now, if there's anyone
who knows any reason

why these two should not be
joined in pretend matrimony,

speak now or forever
hold your peace.

Wilbur's a liar!
(Crowd gasping)

He doesn't love Shania.

He loves me!

I've been pretend engaged

to Wilbur since third grade.

We're just waiting till I can
ride my bicycle in the street,

and then we're out of here.

He kissed me!

Yesterday.

I wasn't going to say anything,

but Shania's Nana said
if I didn't, I'd burn in hell.

Ow!

What is happening right now?

What did you do?

Sorry, baby.

If I could change for anyone,
it'd be you.

But it's like they say:

You can take the player
out of the game,

but you can't take the game
out of the player.

I loved you.

Everyone, thank you for coming.

Please help yourself
to the sundae bar.

(Crowd aahing)
Sweetie, no, no, no.

How could you?

Oh, stop your blubbering.

You know what, you get out
of here before I cut your hair!

He's not worth it.

Shame, huh?

They seemed so good together.

Here, eat your feelings.

Rocky, did you call Disney world

and cancel
the pretend honeymoon?

Bryan, cheer up.

This actually was a nice event.

There's not a lamb slider left.

I ate every damn one.

You know it's gonna backfire
on me later, don't you?

It was a very sweet gesture.

People had fun.

No, David. You were right.

This was a waste of time.

Are you happy?

Shania's in there
absolutely heartbroken.

Shania's like her Nana...

she's tough, she'll get over it.

The important thing is

that the next time she tries
to take a dump on marriage,

she'll think twice.

It wasn't a real wedding.

It was about a little girl
wanting to believe in something.

I want her to believe
in something,

like that marriage is sacred.

Do you have any idea

what kind of role models
your daughter has?

I get it, you don't respect
David and Bryan's relationship.

No.

It's you and me.

Both of our marriages
completely tanked.

And your mother
didn't even bother.

And now you've got her
here with these two

parading around, playing house,
writing their own rules,

defying laws of science
and morality.

With role models like this,

things can only go
one way for Shania,

and you think
I'm trying to hurt her?

I am trying to protect her.

That's great, Nana.

But I need to protect
her from you.

Go home.

Fine.

I will go back to my hotel.

I would rather

pay for my booze

than drink champale out of
a size-12 ballet slipper.

No, not to your hotel.

Go home, Nana.

Pack your bag, get on a plane,

and go back to Ohio for good.

Do you think I would just
walk out on my family?

I'm not your mother.

I am never walking away.

I love you. I love Shania.

You know, since the day you
were born on that porch,

I have done nothing

but put your needs
ahead of my own,

and then your daughter's,

and this is the thanks I get.

Lamb sliders are gay.

I'm going to have

a hearty meal
at the chick-fil-a.

Oh, I want to go.
I miss chick-fil-a.

Uh-uh. No.

Oh, okay. Calm down.

Hey, sweetie.

Can I come lie with you?

Sure, just don't shower me
with sunshine.

I'm not ready for my melancholy
to leak out just yet.

I'm sorry your heart hurts,

but the next time
love comes knocking,

don't be afraid
to open the door, okay?

Mom, did you let me
have that fake wedding

so I'd learn a lesson from it?

No.

But why didn't I think of that?

You're so much wiser
than your years, monkey.

I get that from you.

Actually, I get lots of
good things from you.

I know you're always
looking out for me.

Makes it so I'm not
afraid to fail,

even at stuff that
seems a little weird,

like pretend weddings.

Or like the time
you wanted to start

your own line of
deep-fried jewelry?

I still think there's something

in that whole "stylish
and delicious" area.

Do you know how lucky
I am that you're mine?

You're the greatest mom ever

'cause you set
the best example...

Oh, thank you, baby.

Of what not to do.

I'm not going to have
sex or get pregnant,

and I'm definitely
gonna go to college

and someday become the most
venerated volcanologist ever.

That's just a placeholder.

Dreams can change.

Just make sure
you never stop dreaming.

Okay, I'm going to leave you
with your melancholy.

(Sighing)

Why, Wilbur? Why?

Announcer:
Disaster is still looming...

(Door opens, closes)

I was calling you all day.
You could have picked up.

I was too depressed to answer.

Even after her
extreme weight loss,

Teresa still thinks she looks
huge in all those dresses.

Why can't Teresa
forget about her past?

Why can't Teresa just have
her day in the sun?

Get up. We're going
for Chinese food.

I have to see how this ends.

Spoiler: Teresa says
yes to the dress.

David, don't be glib!

They don't always find
the dress they're looking for.

Bryan: Why are we here?
You promised me dumplings.

There's something I have to do.

It'll only take a minute.

I don't like being in
your office after dark.

It feels like there are ghosts.

Ghosts of patients who couldn't
understand their co-pay

and died talking to
their insurance company.

Hi, Bryan.
Pretend like I'm not here.

There's something
I want to ask you,

and I could only
do it like this.

David, stop it.
What's going on?

Just give me a minute.

You doing okay?

Yeah, I'm great. You do you.

(Rhythmic heartbeat) There.

Hold it right there.

- Steady.
- Oh, David.

David, look, you can see his
or her tiny, little fingers.

What are you doing?
Is it my birthday.

I wanted to do it like this,

in front of our baby,

so that one day, he or she
could say, "I was there."

"I was there
when my daddies got engaged."

There was this, uh, moment
at Shania's fake wedding

when I looked over at you,

and the tears
in your eyes were real.

I always knew how important
getting married was to you,

but it wasn't until that moment
that I truly understood

what commitment meant.

We're having a baby, Bry.

(Nervous chuckling)

This is our family.

You, me,

and that kid.

Forever.

Family is the ultimate
commitment.

Getting married,
it just seems...

I don't know, easy.

But you don't believe in it.

But you do,

and I believe in us.

Oh.

Bryan Collins...

Oh, my God, it's happening.

Will you do me the honor

of being my husband?

Yes.

Shania, honey, I know
you're disappointed

that the wedding didn't happen,

but you know when I'm sad,

I like to do something
called "eat my feelings,"

and I'd like to share
it with you right now.

- What's that?
- Well, when you feel sad,

you just eat stuff until
you're not sad anymore.

(Muffled):
It's really healing. Try it.

Yeah, really get in there.

I mean, who needs boys
when you can have sugar?

You know?

He wasn't that great anyway.

It's okay, honey.

Just keep eating.

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