Original subtitles

You know what I love most about being pregnant?

Burgers for breakfast.

Just today,

because I woke up craving red meat.

Now, look away, baby.

Mmm!

- Hi! - Hello!

Oh, it's open. Come in. Oh.

David: What is happening?

Hello. Good morning. Good morning.

Hmm. Goldie,

what is in your mouth?

Oh, my God, is that fast food?

Oh, please tell me you're bulimic

so at least it'll come up before it hits our baby.

David: Or...

You could eat this

healthy, organic food

we just got you at the farmers' market.

Bryan: I had never eaten broccoli

before I met David. Nutrition can be fun!

Guys, pregnancy cravings are totally normal,

and it's just so delicious.

Yeah, I know, but

that delicious burger could cause all kinds

of developmental issues for our baby.

See, not a lot of people know this,

but charbroiled meat is a carcinogen proven to effect DNA.

Oh, well, I ate like this when I was pregnant with Shania,

and she turned out just fine.

Okay?

Bryan: Um,

also, uh,

we brought your mail over that was forwarded to our house.

Oh. Oh! What's this?

It's your very important absentee ballot

from the crucial battleground state of Ohio.

Don't forget to mail that in. It's a big election.

I know. We're having

a mock presidential election at my school.

Bryan: That's adorable. I love mock things.

So, spill the beans, kiddo.

Who are you gonna vote for?

Well, most of the kids are just gonna vote

for whoever their parents do,

but I'm thinking about voting Obama.

Well, if you do the math on that,

that means your mom is voting

for... O.M.G.O.P!

Mitt Romney? You can't be serious.

Goldie, you are carrying our Democratic baby.

Our beautiful little donkey fetus.

Maybe you guys should just steal my ballot and vote for me.

That's what my Nana did in 2008.

That is outrageous. She can't do that.

Yeah, this is America, damn it.

You're free to vote

for the black incumbent president of our choice.

Hmm.

What's smelly eating?

Vegetables.

You stay out of my granddaughter's head!

I put years into shaping it, and I will not have

you left-wing Nancy boys poisoning her

with your hug-a-Muslim bull crap!

Mrs. Forrest, what a disturbing surprise.

I will have you know that my family has voted

republican since Abraham Lincoln,

the freer of the slaves.

I am proud of my party, and I have been

a supporter since 1972.

All (Chanting): No more war! (Car horn honking)

Dick Nixon knows how to keep America strong!

That's why I like dick.

Who is with me?

I like dick! I like dick!

Oh, so we have you to thank for Watergate and Reagan and bush

and baby bush.

Oh, honey,

even we don't like the bushes anymore.

But you're voting for mitt Romney,

which is the equivalent of saying

the poor aren't entitled to health care,

or the environment doesn't need protecting.

Mitt Romney is interested in preserving

every American's right

to make his or her own choices.

Unless you're gay.

I thought gay wasn't a choice.

You've already polluted Goldie's womb with your gay sperms.

Leave her vote alone.

You know what I think this is about?

Obama is black, and you don't like anybody

who's not like you.

Oh, I would slap your face right now

if I didn't want to get a handful of man makeup.

It is tinted sunscreen!

David: I'm just gonna say it.

Mrs. Forrest, I believe you are a racist.

Why is that the place that all you liberals go to?

Just because I don't like a man

who wants to take my hard-earned money

and dump it into a broken system, I'm a racist?

Don't you think it's a little more racist

to vote for a black man simply because he's black?

And what about you two?

I don't imagine you're lighting candles on kwanzaa.

Couple of hypocrites.

Like every other liberal,

you walk the walk, but you can't talk the talk.

That is not true! We have black friends. We have oodles of them!

Right. We do, and if you don't believe me,

you can come to our party on Friday night,

and you can meet them for yourself.

Mm. Great. I'll see you

and all your homies on Friday.

Great!

So, we're having a party?

Yup.

Know any black people?

How is it that we don't have any black friends?

Oh, David, we have black friends.

Like who? Amir.

Amir is not black. He's Indian.

He's of a hue. (Laughs)

Mrs. Forrest is right.

We are phony, liberal frauds.

We are racists!

We can't be.

We are two educated, successful, enlightened gay men.

I guess we can't be held entirely responsible.

We do meet a lot of black people.

Right. We see them at work.

Uh-uh. We run into them at parties,

except for our own.

I mean, is it our fault that none of them stick?

Yeah, using the pejorative "them" is not helping our case.

We have to get some black people to come to our party.

I will not be called a bigoted,

armchair liberal by anyone.

Maybe we could get the cast of treme to come.

I sat next to them at the golden globes last year,

and since nobody watches that show anyway,

they could easily pass as your run-of-the-mill, non-famouses.

Rocky, there you are.

Bryan's coming down to approve Clea's wardrobe.

He has nixed everything I've shown him.

I'm running out of options. Help.

Not bad. You know, he likes preppy in an ironic way.

If you lose the belt, you should be fine.

And if you let him think

he came up with it,

he'll love it.

Untuck your shirt.

No one can be skinnier than he is.

Five more pounds is not gonna kill her.

All right. I pushed editing to 4:30.

I know how you feel about sitting

in Brad's office after lunch.

Oh, thank you.

That fart candle isn't fooling anyone.

Show me, my sweet.

Now, I love it. Approved.

So, whatever your plans are tomorrow night,

cancel them and come to my party.

You're inviting me to your house as a guest

and not to kill a spider or scare a coyote?

Of course! I mean, it's nothing huge.

It's just, you know, a fun little soir�e

with my closest friends.

And you know what? Bring your friends, too.

Just as many of them as you'd like.

It's gonna be off the chain, yo!

Hook? Off the hook?

Bryan: That's not a thing. (Laughter)

Shut up. (Laughter)

Okay, see you later, guys.

There's not a single person of color here.

Amir is barely ethnic. He's not even dark enough to count.

I see. Would you like me to wrap a tablecloth around his head?

It's just that the blond imperial wizard is coming,

and everyone here is whiter than any woman

who's had Ambien sex with Tiger Woods.

Why are we letting this small-minded woman get to us?

Because we don't want her to be right.

We are not hypocrites.

We are human, which means

we do not always live up to our ideals.

But at least we have them.

Rocky!

David: Oh!

Hi. Thank God you're here.

Hi. How are you?

Oh. Thank you for coming.

Thank you for having me.

How are you? Well, of course.

So?

So? Where are your friends?

If those aren't black albinos, we are screwed.

Those lily white snow bunnies to my party?

Excuse me?! David and I are trying to convince Mrs. Forrest

that we have black friends.

Oh, so when you realized you didn't, you invited me

because you thought I'd bring a bunch of sistas?

Right. Only we were hoping for more pointer and less bronte.

Okay, so, you're assuming I only have black friends?

That's racist.

I'm horrible. I... (Sighs) I apologize.

Please help me. Lucky for you, I invited my brother.

Don't know what time he's gonna be here, though.

You know how black people are always late.

So, that's really a thing?

Did you ask Amir if he could beat-box?

Excuse me.

(Whispers loudly): Bryan, no!

You're a waiter, so I'm going to go out on a limb here

and assume, actor, as well?

Yes! And let me say, Mr. Collins,

I'm a huge fan of your show.

Oh, thank you. Bryan. Bryan. Please.

Hey, how would you like to audition for me right now?

Right now? Are you serious?

Yeah, it's very simple.

You just have to play the role of my friend.

Okay, uh, your friend. What's my back story?

Am I the kid you took in

off the street after I saved you from gettin' jacked?

You know, like...

My boy here was gonna die if I hadn't saved his white ass.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I love that.

It's very nineties-era law & order, but no.

No. You are just the long-time contemporary

of a very successful

color-indifferent, TV writer/producer.

And you're playing opposite the guest

who just arrived.

She's playing a very racist woman

who doesn't believe that I have black friends.

And action!

Excuse me. Ah, Mrs. Forrest.

Welcome. So happy you're here.

Oh, can the coffee klatch, Marge. Where are the blacks?

The blacks? Well,

if you listen carefully,

you can hear them in the fields singing spirituals.

Ooh, look. There's one.

But she's not really a friend, is she,

because she works for the missus? (Laughs)

Hi, Nana. Ah.

Oh, Goldie, you're 24 years old.

Would it kill you to put on a little lipstick?

Where's the kid?

Oh, she's upstairs writing Charlie rose fan fiction.

I'm gonna grab a soda. Or... (Clears throat)

Even healthier than a soda.

Have you tried coconut water?

Come on, I'll show you.

Mrs. Forrest, mingle.

It's what us humans do.

Well, well, well, Jane Forrest.

I'd like you to meet a dear, dear friend of mine

from way, way back.

Charles Worthington III, but my friends call me Tripp.

(Knocking)

Hey.

Hi. How late am I?

Oh. Super late. Everyone's already formed cliques

and picked out their cubbies.

Damn. I'm going to end up sitting

with the booger eaters. Again.

(Both laugh)

I'm Clint, by the way.

Oh. Uh, Goldie. Hi.

Hey, baby brother. Good to see you.

Come on, let's walk the runway.

You think she's buying it?

I'm not sure black frasier is convincing anyone.

Bryan was such a cut-up at Princeton.

Always joshing around and doing the most scathing impressions.

(Both laugh)

I'm guessing you're not first in line at the Tyler Perry movies.

(Indistinct chatter and laughter)

I did not sign up for this.

No, but you did promote our only waiter to best friend.

Ooh, that looks yummy. What is it?

Meat with things on it. Bon app�tit.

So how do you know those guys?

David's my doctor.

He's excellent, too.

Really knows his way around down there,

which is what you want from a lady doctor,

not that you would know... or, uh, maybe you do.

I'm sure you've seen plenty of them up close.

I'm going to stop talking.

(Laughs)

Are you sure you're single?

Yeah, mm-hmm, I'm single, all right, very, very single.

(Chuckling)

Uh... potatoes?

Yeah, let's do it.

Tripp: Mostly I work with father.

He has a boutique arbitrage firm downtown.

Your brother and my granddaughter

really seem to be hitting it off.

If they start dating, I swear to God, I'll throw myself

under a bus.

If they start dating, I swear to God, there is no God.

(Both laugh)

Bryan, could I get a splash more coffee when you get a chance?

Coffee coming right up.

Laugh it up, drunky.

Relax, it's skinny girl.

It's only 100 calories per glass.

That doesn't mean you can drink four times as much.

Goldie.

Oh, great, thank you. Delicious.

Fruit.

Why are you being punished?

Oh, they just know I'm allergic to crust.

(Laughs) And deliciousness.

(Coughs)

Amir: Honey, you okay?

Fine, just, cake went down the wrong way.

Well, fortunately you have two doctors at the table,

so choke all you want. We are on the job.

Yeah, so long as you have health insurance.

(Laughter)

Well, unless Romney wins,

and then we'll just have to sit here and watch you die.

Jane: Oh, you liberals.

You sure do love to twist the truth, don't you?

Oh, that's right, everybody,

we have a real, live republican at the table here tonight.

Quick, everyone show proof of citizenship.

(Laughter)

So, Jane,

you don't think all Americans are entitled

to affordable health care? If you can find

affordable health care, more power to you.

I just don't want the federal government

making decisions that are

my choice to make.

Unless it's a woman's right to choose.

Yeah, or the right to marry whomever you love.

You know, by all means,

vote for your pet projects

over the good

of the entire country.

Uh, equality is not a pet project.

It's actually a moral imperative.

Look, Obama's plan might not have been perfect,

but at least he tried coming up with a fix.

Yeah. Jane: Yeah, by making me pay

every time some illegal sprains his ankle

jumping the border.

This chocolate pie

is delicious, by the way.

Thank you, I made it myself. (Bryan laughs)

Your whole system is broke,

and your Obama just wants to keep dumping

more money into it. It's like giving

penicillin to a Kardashian... too little, too late.

That's good. So it's just about money to you?

No, it isn't just about money.

It's about personal responsibility,

and personal responsibility begins at home.

I run my house the way the government should be run.

Goldie pays rent.

There are no handouts,

there's no freeloading.

And the way you talk about a woman's right to choose...

if I hadn't taken away her mother's right,

she wouldn't be sitting

with us while we sip amaretto

around this table

at the penis palace.

Oh, yeah,

that's right, 25 years ago my prize of a daughter,

she-who-shall- not-be-named,

was headed for the abortion clinic

and I took away

her right to choose.

I forced her to take responsibility

for her actions.

We would not be having this rousing political debate,

trying to sway Goldie's vote

because Goldie wouldn't be here.

How can you say that right in front of her?

Oh, no, it's okay.

She tells me that story every year on my birthday.

So, who wants more wine?

I'll get it. Yes, me.

(Overlapping chatter)

This is a disaster.

I can't believe we're trying to impress this woman. Shh...

What are you shush-shush-shush? Look,

I-I think I may have offended some of your friends

back there inadvertently with my passion.

I'm sorry.

Oh, well... thank you very much.

It was a little harsh.

I think this might be a great time to change the mood.

I bet your friends would be thrilled

to hear some happy news,

like you and sissy are going to be mommies.

Hmm, I don't know. Oh, no, David's,

David's superstitious. Yeah.

He wants to wait to announce till the 12th week.

You've got all your friends together in one place.

You're at the ten-week mark,

out of the woods. I think it would make

the party memorable.

Think about it.

Clint: What are you doing morrow night?

Want to go to a movie?

Oh, um, yeah, that sounds fun.

(Glass clinks)

So, since you are

all our closest friends...

except you...

and you and you,

now seems

like the perfect time to tell you

that Bryan and I

are pregnant.

(Laughter) Thank you, thank you.

We are ten weeks along with our baby

and we could not be happier.

And we could not have done this

without our amazing surrogate

Goldie, so, Goldie...

A toast to Goldie.

David: Cheers.

You're pregnant with their baby?

Oh, wait, Shania really should be here for this.

Shania is Goldie's daughter

from her crumbling marriage.

Excuse me, please.

What?

I am so sick of you all crapping your $400 jeans

over this Obama.

Don't lump me in with them.

Oh, excuse me, $20 jeans.

I'm voting for Romney.

What?

You done lost your damn mind.

Wow, a black republican.

You know, I've heard stories.

I just never knew they were real.

How can you turn your back on Barack right now?

I don't vote race.

I vote issues,

and I think Romney's experience as a businessman is

the thing we need to get this economy moving.

Goldie isn't answering.

I think I might call the cops.

You are not sending a policeman to chase down

a hormonal girl's temper tantrums.

I'll track her myself.

Yeah, why don't you hop on your broomstick

and write "surrender Goldie" over the Hollywood skies?

Was that an actual Judy Garland reference?

I'm surprised you're not wearing Ruby slippers.

Keep joking, lady.

It's your manipulations

that made her run off in the first place.

My manipulations, mine? Yeah.

This party is a bigger farce than tom cruise's marriage

to that girl with the dead eyes.

Which one?

Okay, uh, this is getting weird,

and, uh,

my catering shift ended an hour ago,

so...

I think we can both agree that I nailed it.

Call my people.

I knew it.

He's an actor.

He was a black actor.

Farce. A blactor. Enough, hey!

The important thing is that we find Goldie.

Now, where the hell could she be?

I think I might know where she is.

See, told you she'd be here.

Hey, hey, order me a double cheeseburger and fries

but say it's for you.

I'll eat it cold, crouched behind the potting bench

in the garage after David falls asleep.

Your secret's safe with me.

Goldie, we are so sorry.

We had no right to announce the pregnancy

before talking to you first.

And the food.

David was so controlling about the food.

Jane: Oh, come on,

you know the real reason you ran off is because

Wayland and Madame here were trying to sway your vote

and keep that man in the brown house.

(Crying)

No, no, no, no, you can have the burger.

Here, eat, finish the burger. Bryan: Yeah, yeah, le-le-let's

get you some chili, too, I mean,

I mean, if, if, if you want chili.

That's right.

We still might make suggestions,

but if you want to eat chili, you can eat chili.

I'm sorry for being so emotional, guys.

It's just that I thought

that moving out here, changing everything,

that my life was finally going

to be my own, but it's not.

Clay is suing me for custody.

This paper says

I got to take Shania back to Ohio.

Hallelujah.

That moron finally did

one smart thing.

Okay, okay.

(School bell rings)

Hey. Hey.

So who'd you vote for?

Well, I was leaning

Romney for a while because he seems

more committed to Israel's security,

but Obama believes gay people

should be treated like human beings,

and you guys are gay,

so that made me vote for him.

Yes. I feel like we're watching her

take her first steps. Yeah.

Hey, Shania, want to help me pull my lever?

Okay.

Hey, let's save that for your first term in congress, kid.

Off you go.

So, Goldie, how are you going to vote?

Like daughter, like mother? Hmm?

Meh.

What, you haven't decided who to vote for yet?

A billion dollars in ads...

I didn't say I don't know who I'm voting for.

I'm just not telling you.

Isn't that the whole point of a true democracy?

Well played.

And we will honor that.

Blink once for Obama, twice for the mormon.

(Laughs)

You know, it would be nice to have more diversity

in our lives... if not for us, for the baby.

It's true.

Growing up with two white dads.

I mean, how much travel and culture and dance

can one kid take?

I'm serious.

I know, I know, and I agree.

I mean, we talk the talk, but we don't always walk the walk.

Not a word to your grandmother.

We will deny it, I swear.

You know, it's never too late.

Come on.

Um, hi, I'm Goldie, Shania's mom.

I'm Renee.

This is my husband Joe and our son Matthew.

So, how far along are you?

Almost six months.

Goldie: Oh, congratulations.

I'm not showing yet but, um, I'm pregnant, too.

Oh, congratulations to you.

Oh, well, thank... um, actually it's, it's not my baby.

It's theirs.

I'm their surrogate. (Joe chuckles)

You know, we've done this before.

If you have questions about being first-time parents,

we should have dinner sometime.

Uh, we would love that.

Yeah, that'd be great.

Thanks. Goldie: Cool.

Nice meeting you. See you.

This is perfect.

You were just saying we need some gay friends.

(Indistinct chatter)

(All laughing)

Okay, who would you vote for? SpongeBob or Dora the Explorer?

I think SpongeBob would definitely *** the gay marriage

and Dora is better at foreign policy.

***

I won. Easter Bunny or Santa Claus?

Um, Santa. ***, but

the Easter Bunny, I mean we never even see him, what's he hiding?

Easter eggs?

I still think he should release his tax returns.

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