Original subtitles

Wow.

- Must be the right place. - Mm-hmm.

Can I help you guys with something?

Oh, hi. Yeah, uh, my boss sent me down here.

I'm-I'm going undercover, and I-I need a disguise

that's good enough

that even my own mother wouldn't recognize me.

Already got one that's good enough to fool my dad.

He's, uh... he's kind of dopey.

If-if you knew him, you'd be cracking up.

Hey, Nate, guess how I feel.

You feel horny.

I feel horny!

Look, I-I just need the disguise to be believable.

This story could really make my career.

- Maybe even go national. - Oh!

I just, uh, don't want to look like an amateur

in a wig and glasses.

Or Geraldo in the '80s.

Got it. Have a seat.

Joy, hop up.

Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no. Sit, sit, sit.

I-I can stand till he's ready. Wow.

That is a scary mole you put on her, by the way.

Yikes!

I'm Joy.

I'll be your makeup artist.

Yup. Geraldo.

Geraldo with a mole.

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I'm standing here at the back entrance of Pete Sheets,

where, earlier today, I went undercover

wearing these special camera glasses.

Inside, I purchased what were advertised

as 800 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets.

But who takes the time to actually count the threads?

We do, and it didn't take long.

16, 17, 18, 19...

and done.

That's right.

These are 19 thread count sheets.

And our lab results say, the cotton is actually from...

Detroit.

Uh-uh, not on my watch.

Hey, Pete, I'd like to talk to you

about these 800 thread count sheets.

We've got a runner. We've got a runner!

Once again, my Miller instinct was right.

It's kind of a play on-on killer instinct, because the...

Hey, were you guys even watching?

- Yeah. - It was fantastic.

- Yeah! - You-you were good, son.

So good. Great.

Oh, that's me. It's time.

Wait. Time for what, Dad?

Time to start dating.

Wait, you set an alarm to remind you

when it was time to start dating?

Well, after your mother and I divorced,

I decided I needed some time alone to focus on me,

so, uh, I set my watch to beep in seven months,

when I figured I'd be ready to date, and it beeped.

Time to date.

Have you seen yourself lately?

I'd hit the snooze button.

Wait... wait-wait a second.

Seven months? Why... why seven?

Well, after 43 years of your mother's voice,

I needed one month for the ringing in my ears to go away.

That's what that is.

Then months two through six to get in shape.

My body had fallen into disrepair

with the last tenant; needed some

renovations before it could be shown.

Well, I hope you fix that leak.

And the mold in the basement.

I spent the last month watching TV

to learn techniques for picking up ladies.

Turns out the best advice was on Animal Planet.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go make myself look big

and expose my rear flank to a receptive female.

Guys, we-we can't just let him

go out there like that.

He's gonna get rejected by every woman he meets.

And we know that he does not handle rejection well.

Yeah, Nathan's right.

I mean, remember when they turned down his business loan,

last year at the bank?

Well, no bank was gonna fund his workout DVD,

Sweatin' With the Oldie.

Yeah, well, in protest,

he withdrew his entire life savings,

and he stashed it in our couch.

There's also a little in the chair

because he read somewhere it was good to diversify.

Your father's gonna be fine.

There are plenty of lonely old women out there

ready to snatch him up.

He's like the last piece of soggy, mangled bacon

on a breakfast buffet.

Gross, but still bacon.

Yeah, but that's the problem.

He'll probably settle down with the first woman he meets.

You know, if he just latches on

to the first woman he sees, this could be bad for all of us.

I mean, I think we all know that when it comes to women,

Tom isn't exactly picky.

Excuse me...?

Sorry...

What I meant was,

when it comes to women, he'll take whatever he can get.

Nope, that's not better.

Plus, Dad's such a creature of habit,

so you know he's gonna marry this woman.

Which will make me a stepchild.

A red-headed stepchild.

We know how that's gonna turn out.

Those kids get killed at recess.

Look, I think it's up to us to find Dad a new girlfriend.

And she has to be able to take care of him.

Yeah, and she better know CPR.

Last week he nearly choked to death on a scoop of ice cream.

And you all make fun of me for keeping a hairdryer in my car.

And she needs to be decisive.

Poor Tom freezes up whenever anyone asks him

his favorite color.

As far as I know, it's "blurple."

And no murderers.

I mean, I know that sounds judgy and un-PC,

but if someone has killed somebody,

I just have a hard time trusting them.

Yeah, no one's picking a murderer, Adam.

Look, let's just keep our eyes open,

and try to find someone before he does.

We better hurry, because he's out there

hitting on women right now.

Hey.

Uh, what's the name of that lady down the street?

Can you be more specific?

Uh, wh-what's that movie where they're looking for the fish?

Finding Nemo?

Yeah, and who plays the daddy fish?

Albert Brooks?

Right, well, this woman goes power-walking

with that woman who looks like Albert Brooks.

Rebecca with all the cats?

Rebecca! That's it!

I just hit Rebecca with my car.

Well, Rebecca's out.

Y-You're sure you don't know anybody who could date my dad?

For free?

No.

Oh, hey!

I caught your "Miller Instinct" thing on the news.

I like you standing up for the little guy.

Who you busting today?

Oh, it's a, it's a crooked doggy day care

where, uh, beloved pets are left unsupervised

to fight amongst themselves.

We're-we're calling it "Lord of the Fleas."

Yeah, no.

I would've gone with "Bite Club."

I-I had that one written down, too, so...

if that's what it's called,

just know that.

Oh, I am so sorry I'm late.

I was in a restaurant

and this old guy starts choking on a steak.

People didn't know what to do.

So, I just grabbed a pen,

and jammed it through his neck to make an air hole.

Oh, wow.

What a decisive, first-aid-knowing lady you are.

You... you wouldn't by any chance,

happen to be single, would you?

Oh, recently.

My husband passed away.

Oh.

You didn't murder him, did you?

And she has no kids,

which means no annoying stepchildren or grandchildren.

Christmas can still be just all about us.

Mom.

- Yes, I have a question. - Uh-huh.

Is that giant brown mole on her face

a giant brown mole on her face?

Mom, you're being very insensitive.

I don't care one way or another.

I just know your father.

And whenever he sees a button,

he has to press it.

Listen, I'm-I'm sure if the mole is that big of a deal,

she can have it removed.

No, if that could've been removed,

she would've done it already.

Yeah, that thing must be tugging on a vital organ.

Adam?

Not that it matters, because say hello

to Dad's perfect mate, Mrs. Walker,

who also happens to be the vice principal of Mikayla's school.

Wait, she's sitting in a wheelchair?

No, she is sitting proudly in a wheelchair.

You can't see it, but the bumper sticker

on the back says, "That's how I roll."

Pardon the blur.

But, uh, the lighting was bad and she had a slight tremor.

Anyway, she works at the Yarn Barn

and we could get a friends-and-family discount.

And I need a new sewing machine.

Mom, she's in her 90s.

No, no.

Mid-80s.

Mid-to late mid-.

88 tops.

Look, sorry, Mom, you're gonna have

to keep paying full price for your sewing supplies,

because we're not setting Dad up with a woman

who's probably blurry 'cause she's

halfway between this world and the next.

So, you think he's gonna be that much happier with Spot?

Hey...

Come on, I think that we are all on the same page

with the level of woman that Dad can get.

And-and-and with all these terrible women,

Joy is the least terrible.

No, come on! Look, it...

Hey. What do we have here?

I-I don't know. We just walked in and...

Adam had these up.

Pervert!

What?!

Look, Dad, we know that you wanted to start dating,

so we decided to try to help you pick somebody, so...

Look at you guys worrying about me.

Well, let's see who you came up with.

Hmm!

Girl with the mole looks pretty.

Bet old Ironsides here gets good parking.

Hmm, this guy looks mean.

That's a woman, and she is mean.

Listen, I-I-I appreciate this,

but, uh, I'm already seeing somebody.

Wait, you're-you're seeing somebody?

When did you meet somebody?

Well, that day my alarm went off,

I went to the bookstore, she was working the register,

I asked her out, she said yes,

we went out, repeated that twice,

three times, after tonight's date.

That's why I'm here... needed to hit the ATM.

Oh, that one's out of order.

Yeah, the zipper's broken.

Not dispensing cash.

Ah...

I'm-I'm-I'm sorry.

Which-Which bookstore?

I've said enough.

I don't need you meddling in my business.

Boop!

Hi. I'm here to pick up Ruth.

- I'll go let her know you're here. - Yeah, good.

What do you think he meant by "meddling"?

Who cares?

Any sign of her?

If she's dating your father,

she's probably in the Braille section.

I'm just praying

she's capable enough to keep him alive.

Hello, there.

Well, she knows CPR.

Younger, attractive, oozing sexuality...

I can't believe Tom divorced me only to turn around

and start dating the same woman.

I can't believe how young she looks in this picture.

I bet she can still have a baby.

Maybe not a healthy one,

but better than anything Carol can whip up these days.

What is happening with you?

Are you just not scared of me anymore?

This just doesn't make any sense.

I mean, there's got to be a simple explanation for this.

Wait, wait... maybe she just looks young

and has had a lot of work done.

God, I wonder who her doctor is.

Maybe she's just into older men.

No, I don't buy it.

I think something's going on.

Wait, wait...

guys, look at this.

Dad's taken all the money

out of his pillow bank.

Oh, gosh!

Oh, my gosh!

Yeah, he's emptied out his account at every branch!

Wait a second... Dad's been coming home

and taking cash out of the couch

to pay for whatever this bookstore hussy wants.

Adam, you know what we got here.

Don't even say it.

Classic Anna Nicole Smith story.

Here we go.

Anna Nicole and Howard Marshall were in love,

and I don't know why you can't just deal with that.

What weird thing are you weirdos talking about now?

Yeah, remember when Anna Nicole Smith was suing to get half

of her rich old husband's estate?

Adam here was on her side.

You two need to stop watching so much television.

Tom is hardly a millionaire.

Even in death, he's only worth $200,000...

before taxes paid out over three years,

and it cannot look like suicide.

You know what? I-I do stories like this all the time.

The smaller the scam the better.

You're less likely to file a complaint.

Ugh, I bet she's got ten old guys just like Dad on the hook.

She probably uses hard candy as bait.

My Miller Instinct is telling me that something's wrong.

Your Miller what?

It's my new segment.

Come on. Do you even watch?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, the segment! - Yeah, we do.

- All the time. - It's fantastic.

- It's good. - It's great.

Look, I think we're all probably

feeling like something's wrong,

but we can't do anything until we have some proof.

Well, I've got just the undercover man for the job.

Oh? Who?

Come on! Watch my show!

What do you say?

Let's catch a predator.

Can you guys hear me?

We can hear you. We can't see anything.

Put the glasses on.

All right, Nathan Cam is working.

We'll see everything you see.

Get ready to look into a lot of mirrors.

Hey, Nathan, she needs to think

that you're a vulnerable old man,

so-so slouch more, seem confused and just go on and on

about the price of gas... basically, be Dad.

I've been studying Dad my whole life.

Watch this.

Oh, no!

Well, that was wild!

Are you okay?

Yeah, I am such a klutz.

Montgomery Sinclair, what has gotten into you today?

Oh, don't worry. No damage done.

Say, I'm-I'm-I'm looking for a book.

Uh, the title escapes me.

My late wife used to remember things like that,

but she, uh, fell out of my jet, was run over by my yacht.

Sank from the weight of all her diamonds.

Do you know what the book is about?

Well, uh, yeah, it was a biography.

Say, what's the name of that politician fellow

some people like and some people don't?

Can you be more specific?

Uh, what was that movie about the guy with one arm

who was being chased around by everybody?

The Fugitive?

Yeah. What was the name of that actor

who was chasing him around?

Tommy Lee Jones.

Yeah, who was his college roommate?

I think it was Al Gore. Well, that's it.

I'm looking for a biography on Bill Clinton.

Right.

I'll go check for you.

Sorry about that.

You-You-You startled me, kid.

Sorry, sir. You look very familiar.

Did you grow up in Lancaster County?

Uh, no.

Were you in the textile business?

Sorry.

Did you go to Georgetown?

Nope.

Neither did I.

I guess that must be what it is.

He's here.

We know. Stay close enough so we can hear.

Tom!

They called me today.

- Who? - You know who.

I knew this day would come.

But that's what I get for dating a spy.

What?!

I never meant to get involved with you.

But then I realized it was fate.

I mean, what are the odds

that a super spy like me bumps into a pretty girl

that just happened to be reading a novel about a super spy?

Tom's not a spy! He's a player!

Hit it and quit it, Tommy!

Thank you, Tom.

I'll never forget the time we were out to dinner

and that KGB operative poisoned you,

and you had to spend the whole night in the bathroom.

Yes, those dirty Russians.

They got me again this morning.

I'll never forget you.

I needed a little excitement in my life.

Mm, don't we all?

Poor girl, she has no idea he's thinking about me.

For national security reasons,

I can't let you see which way I leave.

So I'm gonna need you to step into the back

and count to a million.

Were you listening to me?

Oh, no, I was just, uh...

No, it's okay.

Uh, I guess you heard all that spy stuff, huh?

A little secret. I'm not a spy.

Oh, you don't say.

Well, why were you, why were you telling

that, uh, nice woman there that you are?

You single?

Recently, yes.

Then you'll understand.

I lied to get sex.

I was afraid that was gonna be your answer.

We both got what we wanted.

She got that excitement of being with a secret agent

and I got sex.

And it was good, brother.

Okay, I wanted to peg you as a ladies' man.

Yeah, well, I didn't know

I was gonna be so good at it, either.

If my family knew, it would've blown their minds.

You should have seen the train wrecks

they tried to set me up with.

My lady did die yesterday,

so I can't argue.

Well, I'm sure

they were just doing their best.

Yeah, it's better that they don't know, anyway.

I kind of like leading a double life.

Hey, in a way, I guess I am like a spy.

Yeah, I guess.

But would it be so bad if you just told 'em?

Why-Why do you feel

like you need to keep that side of you hidden?

I don't know. I guess I'm afraid

that if they see me doing okay on my own,

they might stop worrying about me and...

it's nice to know that no matter what,

someone cares.

I'm sure they do, kid.

Aw...

Little tip for you.

Watch Animal Planet's Mating Mammals.

Every sex move you'll ever need is in that show.

The style we learned from dogs?

Just the beginning.

Ew! Ugh.

- Take care. - Yeah.

You know, now I know why you look so familiar.

You remind me of my son.

Oh, I'm sure he'll age a lot better than this.

He sounds handsome.

42 years ago,

you didn't sleep with a woman named Carol, did you?

I promise you I did not.

Well, if you ever get the chance, don't.

I guess Dad's gonna be okay.

Oh, The History of NASA, huh?

You know, it's impossible to kiss in space?

I should know, I was an astronaut.

Looks like my Miller Instinct was a little off this time.

Your Miller what?

Oh, come on, man, you're my cameraman!

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