Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

Everyone, it's Thursday.

So it's time for our Monday staff meeting.

My name is Weggie Rudlin.

I'm the new super-duper smart, Harvard-educated president

of entertainment at BET.

MAN: Yep.

Do you know why I was given this job?

You're super-duper smart.

Yes. But why?

Because you went to Harvard.

Yes. But why would they want a super-duper smart guy

who went to Harvard to run BET?

MAN: I know.

[TYPING]

[COMPUTER BEEPS]

Because it's time to take BET in a new direction.

Remember the first day I showed up, I asked,

"What's your highest-rated program?"

And you guys said:

106 & Park with AJ and Free.

Yes.

MAN: Yep.

And I said, "Great. Fire them." Why?

Because what you call success,

Weggie Rudlin calls failure. And vice versa.

See, when people ask me, have I made BET a success,

I say no.

[SNORING]

It's time to redefine success.

Because once you embrace failure,

you can't go anywhere else but up.

That's a business theory taught at Harvard

called "negative elevation." Now, I may be going a too fast,

but I'm happy to slow it down.

Are there any questions?

Is it true that you put a ban

on two- and three-syllable words, man?

Good question. Yes.

Our research says we need to be focusing

on the monosyllabic demographic.

I believe lots of syllables confuses our viewers.

Especially those in the South.

I've got a question.

Of course. You didn't go to Harvard.

Do you have any experience running a network?

Okay, see now. You're a hater.

You're fired, so get on out of here.

But I haven't been paid in three months.

This is basically volunteer work for me.

Oh. Well. Quiet down,

so the rest of us who are getting paid

can work, thank you.

MAN: You're the Harvard man.

Okay. I would like everyone

to please look under their chairs.

You will find a copy of the Black Panther comic book

that I wrote. Please read it carefully.

This is the super-cool stuff

we'll be doing at BET from now on.

Chicken. Are you kidding me?

That's your complimentary lunch.

And the orange is your new health care plan.

Antioxidants.

Very important. Wait.

Nope, nope, nope. You don't get any.

You are fired.

Okay, let's talk about some new shows.

As you know, we're starting BET Animation.

Here's what I wanna see.

I'm thinking rappers.

Young M.C. roller skating.

Edginess. He's going too fast. His brakes don't work.

We'll get Tone Loc to do the voice. Okay, hm...

How about an animated version of Hamburglar?

He's a hungry thug. It's gritty, like The Wire.

He does a drive-by on Burger King.

McDonald's can co-finance.

We'll call it, Beef. Wait a minute.

I'm seeing a Flintstones thing happening here.

Dino could be a rottweiler, maybe a pit bull.

Instead of Bedrock, we're in Africa.

We're keeping it real. You got that?

Got it, Weggie.

All right. Next stop: reality.

The Ruckus Reality Show.

I'm digging it, I'm feeling it.

It's what's good. Let's do that show.

Wait a minute.

Is this the show about the black man who hates black people?

I hear that tone.

The head of Viacom personally asked me to make this show.

He was being sarcastic.

No! Excuse me!

Which one of us went to Harvard, huh?

Did you go to Harvard?

You think you understand white humor more than me?

You know, what? Shush.

You don't even work here anymore.

Now, the rest of you, get a crew.

Get out someone crossing-- Wherever that guy's from.

And let's make The Uncle Ruckus Show happen.

[♪♪♪]

♪ I am the stone The builder refused ♪

♪ I am the visual The inspiration ♪

♪ That made lady Sing the blues ♪

♪ I'm the spark That makes your idea bright ♪

♪ The same spark That lights the dark ♪

♪ So that you can know Left from right ♪

♪ I am the ballot in your box The bullet in the gun ♪

♪ The inner glow That lets you know ♪

♪ To call your brother sun ♪

♪ The story that just begun ♪

♪ The promise Of what's to come ♪

♪ And I'm 'a remain a soldier ♪

♪ Till the war is won Won ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop ♪

[♪♪♪]

[BUZZES]

RUCKUS: I wake up at a quarter to 5

in the a.m. every morning.

That's about 12 hours before most niggas wake up.

[SNICKERS]

I am a very spiritual person.

I start each day by thanking the white man for the sunrise.

For the land I walk on. For the air I breathe.

I also apologize for niggas.

But Lord knows they ain't gonna apologize for themselves.

I am not black. Nor do I consider myself to be black.

Many people mistake me for being Negro

because they don't know that I am currently living

with the heartbreak of revitiligo.

That's a skin condition

that's the opposite of what Michael Jackson's got.

Every morning, I apply the topical ointment

made of bleach and sulfur.

I like to think it works.

Luckily, I hadn't gotten much darker in the last few years.

As you can see here, I enjoy building small shrines

to certain special white people who are important in my life.

This one here is dedicated to John Wayne.

Great white man.

Didn't take no shit from niggas, Injuns, nor Mexicans.

And this one here is for George Bush the first.

Loved him.

Now, this one here is dedicated

to the most soulful soul singer to ever live.

[♪♪♪]

Yeah, I work about 32 jobs over the course of a week.

I think it's interesting I got 32 jobs

when most niggas say they can't find one.

[LAUGHS]

Uh, niggas.

And one of the great pleasures of my day

is taking all these pretty little white children to school

in the morning.

Hey, there--

Move out of my way, fat boy.

I keep the bus nice and clean for 'em.

These kids-- Oh, excuse me, excuse me--

Oh, hello there, Miss Matheson--

Whatever.

How is my little sunshine?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it right there.

Hey, man, stop.

Where's the gun, huh?

Where's the gun? Go on, get.

Get. Get out of here.

Go do your little hyphy-phyphy dances

and nigga monkey shuffle somewhere else.

This here bus is for kids with a future.

That's right. That's right.

Get your lazy asses some exercise.

Y'all should just go be rappers.

Get into a beef and then shoot each other.

[CACKLES]

Desegregation ruined the American school system.

When did test scores across the country drop?

After desegregation.

When did drug use and violence in schools go up?

After desegregation.

There were never no white kids shooting up nothing

before they started going to school with niggas.

These little angels wouldn't even know what a gun was.

[ALL YELLING]

The white man is a peace-loving man.

People say the key to fixing the problems of Negroes

is education.

But I say education is not the answer.

Why bother?

And what do niggas do in college anyway?

Oh, they go there. They party.

Get drunk for four, five years,

and end up just as ignorant as when they came in.

You ever seen these nigga fraternities and sororities?

You ever seen these things?

Silliest shit I ever seen in my life.

You think Aristotle turned to Achilles and said:

"Hey, let's create a fraternity

and jump up and down, barking like dogs"?

Hell no.

White man out there getting Nobel Prizes

and doing business deals in the fraternities.

Niggas jumping up and down with candy canes,

and doing all kinds of silly shit with their hands.

People say there's no difference between the races.

Well, I'll tell you what,

I've been cleaning bathrooms for a long time.

And I can say...white-man shit

just don't smell the same

as black African shit.

See, the white man just got a better liver.

White man eats his meat raw.

See, that's healthier. He calls it tartare.

Well, how you doing this fine day?

[SCREAMS]

May I say your dookie smells like sparkling ice water.

Jesus!

With a twist of lime.

See. That's why he don't have to wash his hands neither.

Yes, sir. White man has impeccable hygiene.

Hey, there, little mulatto girl.

You waiting on your daddy?

Yes.

[LAUGHS]

Guess she talking about her daddy, Tom.

He married to a white woman.

Lucky son of a bitch.

There he is.

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[BREATHLESSLY] Sorry I'm late, pumpkin.

[SNICKERS]

Lord have mercy. Tom, is you wearing a skirt?

This isn't a skirt, Ruckus. It's a kilt.

[IN SCOTTISH ACCENT] It's part of my Scottish heritage.

Now, you stop that right now.

That's blasphemy against Mel Gibson

and the proud Scottish people.

Mel Gibson isn't Scottish.

Hush your mouth.

The Scottish man deserves better

than you making a mockery of his history.

But, Ruckus, I am part Scottish.

Thirty two point five percent, actually.

I just found out. I took one of those tests

where they trace your DNA

and tell you your exact ethnic makeup.

It's fun. You should try it.

You 30 percent Scottish? Black as you is?

[LAUGHING] I know.

Is this a white doctor or a darky

that gave you this test?

Mm, not that it matters,

but, yes, he was white.

Well, hell, that's all you had to say.

A white doctor is 99.9 percent reliable.

Black doctor is an oxymoron.

Unless it's a witch doctor.

[SNICKERS]

Well, well, well. Who knows?

Maybe I'll take me one of them tests.

I mean, why should Alex Haley

be the only person to discover their roots, you know?

[CHUCKLES]

Huh?

I'm-- I'm sorry. Alex what?

You know. Alex Haley. Roots.

What is that, some kind of gardening show?

You're joking, right?

Roots. You know, Roots.

Uh-- I-- I don't follow you.

Roots. Roots. Roots.

You've never heard of Roots?

The miniseries? Come here, honey.

Hold-- Hold on, here.

[CHANTS]

Roots.

I don't know nothing

about what you talking about.

Now, the first thing you should know about me

is that I have a case of the revitiligo.

It's the opposite of what Michael Jackson got.

No, see, I'm not that kind of doctor.

I'm more of a scientist or a technician.

We can trace genetic markers

to different regions of the world

and know exactly what your makeup is.

Well, don't let this here outer shell fool you.

I'm as white as they come.

My favorite movies are Gone with the Wind

and Notting Hill.

[♪♪♪]

WEGGIE: Mistress Lee'vil,

remember when you asked us

for a way to destroy the minds of black children

at an even younger age?

Oh, sure.

Well, you'll be happy to know that I started BET Animation

to do just that.

Splendid. Oh, I love cartoons.

Especially evil ones.

Yeah. Mistress Lee'vil. We have a kids show coming on

called Super Cyborg Mandingo Man. Yeah.

We go there. He's an African warrior.

Yes, yes. Get to the evil part.

Well, maybe I should just show you.

We have the pilot.

What's that, the script?

Actually, we spent all our money on the Vin Diesel show.

Oh, my God, he's so awesome.

So we got to do this one with a flip book.

Hm. Well, it certainly is incompetent.

But we're missing something. What are we missing, people?

A budget?

Uh, yes, but no.

Talent?

Yes, but no.

A work ethic?

Pride?

Self-respect?

What network do you work for?

BET.

And what does that stand for?

Black Entertainment--

No!

Black Evil Television.

It's not enough that the shows are bad.

They have to be evil as well.

Send in my evil henchmen!

These are my evil henchmen:

Big Nigga and Crazy Bitch.

Big Nigga, Crazy Bitch,

teach this person the meaning of black and evil.

[BOTH GASP]

Oh no, this mizzle didn't.

No. Mistress Lee'vil, please.

We'll make it more evil, I promise.

Oh. Hell, no, this motherfucker gonna--

[SCREAMS]

Weggie, please! Save me!

[SCREAMING]

[HUMS]

[HOWLS]

[SNICKERS]

[SCREAMING]

Ah-- Ah--

LEE'VIL: Mr. Weggie Rudlin.

Ah-- Huh?

This Uncle Ruckus show, how's it going?

Uh...great. F-fantastic.

Is it evil?

Oh, absolutely.

I hope so, Weggie...

for your sake.

[♪♪♪]

Because if it's not evil, then,

you know what's gonna happen.

And by "happen," I mean you'll be killed,

or at least very seriously injured.

So-- So, you know, just make sure it's evil.

Ah. Here it is.

My test results. Can you hear my heart beating?

Oh, the white-man science is amazing, ain't it?

[♪♪♪]

Oh, no. N--

Th-- This-- This can't be.

It says, I'm 102 percent African.

With a 2 percent margin of error.

Why, Lord?

Why, Lord, why?

[CACKLES]

RUCKUS: I got something

for a fraternity of niggas:

a fraternity of bananas up a tree.

[BARKS, CACKLING]

WEGGIE: Bananas.

Black fraternities should have an African name.

Like Boogie, Boogie.

WEGGIE: Black fraternity.

Boogie, Boogie, Boogie.

Hey, I got a black fraternity for you:

It's called prison. Jail-Phi-Jail, nigga.

You know--

Jail-Phi-Jail.

[DOOR OPENS]

Mr. Rudlin,

there's a problem on the Ruckus shoot.

MAN: What's the problem?

He hasn't gotten out of bed in three days.

He got some bad test results or something.

[WEGGIE SQUAWKING OVER PHONE]

Yes. Yes.

Yes, I know you went to Harvard. Yeah.

Okay. He said just keep filming.

[SIGHS]

Well, I'm black now.

So the first thing I did was quit all my jobs.

[SIGHS]

I don't know how I'm supposed to pay the bills.

Probably have to start selling crack.

Or rapping. Or rapping about selling crack.

You know, I might not even have revitiligo.

[SIGHS]

Okay, I'm black.

What am I supposed to do now?

So this is it, huh? Is this what you do all day?

Sit there reading books

that make you think better of yourself, huh?

Black man can't get nowhere

with his little pecan-sized mind.

So now you can read. Now what?

What you gonna do now?

[SIGHS]

[LAUGHING] Oh, uh-huh.

Nothing. That's what I thought.

You know why? 'Cause we niggas. Both of us.

And that's--

[SOBBING] And that's all we ever gonna be.

That's all we ever gonna be.

So this is what I have to look forward to

as a black man, huh?

Just sitting around,

playing PlayStation all day.

[GROWLS]

Waiting for the next Madden to come out.

Maybe I should go out and put rims...

Oh.

...and all kinds of goofy shit on my truck.

[♪♪♪]

RUCKUS: Oh, we probably gonna die any second now

from one of these conditions and diseases that niggas get.

You name it: diabetes, gout,

high blood pressure, asthma, sickle cell--

Oh, Ruckus, stop. This is all in your damn head.

You the exact same fool you were last week.

You were black then, you're black now,

and you're gonna be black tomorrow.

Ain't nothing wrong with being black.

If you give it a chance,

you might actually like it. Mm-hm.

Ruckus, what are we doing here?

Well, this is what niggas do, right?

Buy sneakers. Then, maybe later we'll buy loud stereos

and berate women in rap lyrics.

Is this the kind of shit

you niggas put on your feet nowadays?

This look like a damn astronaut shoe.

I'm black. I'm not walking to the moon.

I'm walking to the liquor store.

GRANDDAD: Ruckus, stop. Come on, man.

RUCKUS: LeBron James. Allen Iverson.

Can I get a shoe named after a white man, please?

Excuse me. Ahem. Darky in the zebra shirt.

Could I get a Bruce Jenner sneaker?

Man, to hell with this bullshit.

You on your own.

I'm not leaving here till I get me a shoe

named after a white man.

John Stockton. "Pistol" Pete Maravich. Anybody.

MAN 1: I ain't saying I like the Democrats. I don't.

But they sure as hell don't know what the fuck they doin'.

The Republicans? They done fucked the country to hell.

MAN 2: They sure did.

BARBER: Nigga, just look at Iraq.

President over there killing black folk.

MAN 2: Mm-hm. They black.

Huh. I wish they'd send me to Iraq.

I'd tell motherfucking Bush to kiss my black ass.

Now, that's enough.

Time out, Negroes. Time out.

I can't sit here and let y'all badmouth my president.

Did any of y'all niggas hear the president

when he said Iraq was central to the global war on terror?

Or did y'all miss it because he wasn't speaking in baboon?

[GIBBERS]

Instead of sitting around here chopping the Brillo

off each other's heads,

y'all should've take your black asses to Iraq

and help fight for our freedom.

A little more off the sides, please.

Whoa-- Whoa-- Whoa-- Whoa...

[GROWLS]

Damn gorilla terrorists.

[♪♪♪]

Just what is going on? Why have you kidnapped me?

And now, doctor,

we will discuss your methods of DNA testing.

[CHUCKLES]

No. Please. No!

WEGGIE: Shit! Why does this always happen

when we try to use the goddamn torture machine?!

Can somebody please get the power back on

so we can use the torture machine?

MAN: I think someone forgot to pay the bill, Weggie.

WEGGIE: Will someone pay the fucking bill?!

♪ The dark brown shades Of my skin ♪

♪ All that color To my tears ♪

[GROANS]

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ That splash against My hollow bones ♪

[GRUMBLES]

♪ That rocks my soul ♪

[GRUNTS]

What hath God wrought?

♪ Looking back over My false dreams ♪

[CRYING]

[MEN GUFFAWING]

MAN: Yeah, yeah. Beat his ass.

Will you niggas please shut the hell up.

I'm trying to watch this piece-of-shit movie.

[SIGHS]

[GROANS]

[SCREAMS, CRIES]

♪ Somebody tell me What can I do? ♪

[GRUNTS]

Ruckus, no!

What the hell are you guys doing?

You were gonna let him kill hisself?

You said just keep filming, so--

He's the star!

You're gonna let the star commit suicide?

But it's...reality. I mean--

It's The Uncle Ruckus Show.

If there's no Uncle Ruckus, there's no show.

Oh, so from now on, we're supposed to stop him

if he attempts to commit suicide?

Yes. And I shouldn't have to tell you that.

[CHOKING]

You should just know it.

Oh, shit.

[GAGGING]

Great. That's great. That's just great.

[COUGHING]

Ah, what's the point? What's the point in living?

There's nothing to look forward to.

Just a life of rap music and 40 ounces.

What I'm supposed to do now, huh?

Be somebody baby daddy?

Hang out on the corner all day and night

shooting dice, cops chasing me all the time.

My body ain't made to handle a stun gun.

Ain't got but two or three shows on TV to identify with.

Ruckus, you make a very compelling argument.

But I know that you're gonna get through this.

Ha. Is this what I'm supposed

to be reading now, huh, this?

Vibe? The Source? Jet?

You call this a magazine?

Look at this. This is a pamphlet.

"Field & Scream." National Review.

Soldier of Fortune.

Those are magazines.

This is a brochure.

Ebony. They should call this National Geographic,

except the photos are better.

Essence. Essence of what? Essence of ugliness.

Ruckus, we have a saying at BET:

"We hate black people."

And I know you share that same sentiment.

But I've learned how I can use my blackness

against the black race.

Look at BET.

You think we put this shit on the air

because it's entertaining?

You think we sit down and say:

"Hey, let's be entertaining.

How about a Baldwin Hills reality show?"

I have good taste. Gregory Hines is entertaining.

Sammy Davis Jr., he's entertaining.

You think I can relate to anything

these young niggas have to say?

No. We air this shit because we despise our audience.

Are there other ways to make money?

Yes, of course. Yes, yes, yes.

But they all require more work.

This is easy.

And the only people who suffer--

The only people who suffer, Ruckus...

are black children.

I think we both can live with that.

Weggie Rudlin, you sure do have profound insights.

But I don't know. I--

I just don't think I can stand life as a darky.

[DOOR OPENS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Aha! It's you! You did this to me.

You gave me that test.

Yes, I know. And I came because

there was a mistake at the lab.

We had a black intern there I didn't know about.

He...messed up your test.

Here are your actual results.

Well, I'll be.

[MURMURING]

[GASPS]

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

How dare you mistakenly inform a man of his blackness.

You should be ashamed to call yourself a white doctor.

I'm...uh, sorry.

See, Ruckus. You were worried about nothing.

Well, Weggie, I must say,

for a darky, you are not

that difficult to hang around.

Now, you said you learned all that stuff in Harvard?

Well, I definitely didn't learn it at one of those

historically black colleges.

[LAUGHS]

[BOTH CACKLING]

Howard.

Black college.

Morehouse. They ought to call it Lesshouse.

Oh, it sure feel good to be white again.

[♪♪♪]

I'll tell you what.

Living even for a few days as a black man

gave old Uncle Ruckus a whole new perspective on life.

And a whole lot more sympathy towards colored folks,

I'll tell you that.

Oh, look what we have here.

Yo, for real. We not trying to play with you today, Ruckus.

We're trying to cross the street.

Well, go right ahead.

You young brothers have a blessed day.

Assalamu alaikam.

[WHISTLES]

[TRUCK HORN HONKS]

Whoa--! Whoa--! Whoa!

[RUCKUS CACKLING]

[♪♪♪]

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