All language subtitles for The Big Bang Theory - 1x04 - The Luminous Fish Effect.720p HDTV.CTU.en

You know, I've been thinking
about timetravel again.

Why? Did you hit a roadblock
with invisibility?

Put it on a backburner.

Anyway.
It occurs to me,

If I have ever did
perfect time machine,

I'd just go into the past
and give it to myself.

That's eliminating the need for me
to invent it in the first place.

Interesting.

Yeah, it really kicks the pressure off.

Sounds like a breakthrough.

Should I call Science Magazine
and tell them to hold the cover?

It's time travel,
I will have already done that.

Then I guess congratulations
are in order.

No, congratulations will
have been in order.

You know, I am not going
to enjoy this party.

I know,
I'm familiar with you.

The last department party,
Professor Finkleday cornered me

and talked about
spelunking for 45 minutes.

Yes, I was there.

You know what's interesting
about caves?

- What?
- Nothing.

Then we'll avoid him,
we'll meet the new department head,

congratulate him,
shake his hand and go.

How's this?
"Pleased to meet you, Dr. Gablehauser.

"How fortunate for you
that the university's

"chosen to hire you,
despite the fact

"that you've done no original
research in 25 years,

"and instead have written
a series of popular books

"that reduce
the great concepts of science

"to a series of anecdotes,

"each one dumbed down
to accommodate the duration

"of an average bowel movement.

Mahalo."

"Mahalo's" a nice touch.

You know there only eight consonants
in Hawaiian language?

Interesting.
You should lead with that.

Oh, God, look at this buffet.

I love America.

You don't have buffets in India?

Of course,
but it's all Indian food.

You can't find a bagel
in Mumbai to save your life.

Shmear me.

- Here's an interesting turn of events.
- What?

Howard brought a date?

A more plausible explanation is that

his work in robotics has made

an amazing leap forward.

Hey, what up,
science bitches?

May I introduce my

special lady friend Summer?

- I told you touching's extra.
- Right. Sorry.

Here comes our new boss.
Be polite.

Hi, fellas.
Eric Gablehauser.

Howard Wolowitz.

Nice to meet you.
And you are?

An actualrealscientist.

How was that?

I can't believe he fired me.

Well, you did call him
a glorified high school science teacher

whose last successful experiment
was lighting his own farts.

In my defense,

I prefaced that by saying,
"With all due respect."

Season 1 Episode 4:
The Luminous Fish Effect

Morning.

Morning.

You're making eggs for breakfast?

This isn't breakfast,
it's an experiment.

'Cause it looks a lot like breakfast.

I finally have time
to test my hypothesis

about the separation
of the water molecules

from the egg proteins and its
impact vis-a-vis taste.

Sounds yummy.

I look forward
to your work with bacon.

As do I.

You know, I'm sure
if you just apologize

to Gablehauser,
he would give you your job back.

I don't want my job back.

I've spent the past
three and a half years

staring at grease boards
full of equations.

Before that, I spent four years
working on my thesis.

Before that, I was in college,

and before that,
I was in the fifth grade.

This is my first day off in decades
and I'm going to savor it.

I'll let you get back
to fixing your eggs.

Not just fixing my eggs,
I'm fixing everyone's eggs.

And we all thank you.

Use new eggs.

I'm running out to the market.
You need anything?

This would be
one of those circumstances

that people unfamiliar with the law of
large numbers would call a coincidence.

- I'm sorry?
- I need eggs.

Four dozen should suffice.

- Four dozen?
- Yes,

and evenly distributed
amongst brown, white,

free-range, large,
extra large and jumbo.

Okay, one more time.

Never mind.
You won't get it right.

I'd better come with you.

How come you didn't
go into work today?

I'm taking a sabbatical

because I won't kowtow
to mediocre minds.

So you got canned, huh?

Theoretical physicists
do not get canned...

but yeah.

Maybe it's all for the best.

I always say when one door closes,
another one opens.

No, it doesn't.

Not unless the two doors
are connected by relays

- or there are motion sensors involved.
- No, I meant...

Or if the first door closing
creates a change of air pressure

that acts upon the second door.

Never mind.

Slow down.

- Please, slow down!
- We're fine!

You're not leaving yourself
enough space between cars.

- Oh, sure, I am.
- No, let me do the math for you.

This car weighs,
let's say 4,000 pounds.

Now add 140 for me,
120 for you...

120?

I'm sorry. Did I insult you?

Is your body mass
somehow tied into your self-worth?

Well, yeah.

Interesting.

Anyway, that gives us
a total weight of,

let's say 4,400 pounds.

Let's say 4,390.

Fine. We're traveling forward at--

good Lord-- 51 miles an hour.

Let's assume that your brakes

are new
and the calipers are aligned.

Still, by the time we come
to a stop,

we'll be occupying the same space
as that Buick in front of us,

an impossibility that
nature will quickly resolve

into death, mutilation...

Oh, look, they built
a new putt-putt course.

This is great.

Look at me.

I'm in the real world
of ordinary people

just living their ordinary,
colorless workaday lives.

Thank you.

No, thankyou.

And thank you, ordinary person.

You want to hear
an interesting thing about tomatoes?

No, not really.

Listen, didn't you say
you need some eggs?

Yes, but anyone who knows anything
about the dynamics of bacterial growth

knows to pick up their refrigerated food
on the way out of the supermarket.

Okay, then maybe you should start
heading on out then.

No, this is fun.

Oh, the thing about tomatoes--
and I think you'll really enjoy this--

is they're shelved with the vegetables,
but they're technically a fruit.

- Interesting.
- Isn't it?

No, I mean
what you find enjoyable.

Oh, boy.

What now?

Well, there's some value
to taking a multivitamin,

but the human body
can only absorb so much.

What you're buying here

are the ingredients
for very expensive urine.

Well, maybe that's what
I was going for.

Then you'll want some manganese.

That was fun.

Maybe tomorrow we can go
to one of those big warehouse stores.

Oh, I don't know.

It's going to take me a while to recover
from all the fun I had today.

Are you sure?

There are a lot of advantages
to buying in bulk.

For example, I noticed
that you purchase your tampons

one-month supply at a time.

What?

Think about it.
It's a product that doesn't spoil

and you're going to be needing them
for at least the next 30 years.

You want me to buy 30 years
worth of tampons?

Well, 30, 35.
When did your mother go into menopause?

I'm not talking
about this with you.

This is a natural human process,

and we're talking about
statistically significant savings.

Now, if you assume 15 tampons
per cycle and a 28-day cycle...

Are you fairly regular?

Okay, no warehouse store,

but we're still on
for putt-putt golf, right?

Hey, I just ran into Penny.
She seemed upset about something.

I think it's her time of the month.

I marked the calendar
for future reference.

What's with the fish?

It's an experiment.

What happened
to your scrambled egg research?

Oh, that was a dead end.

Scrambled eggs are as good
as they're ever going to be.

So... fish?

I read an article
about Japanese scientists

who inserted DNA from luminous
jellyfish into other animals,

and I thought,
"Hey, fish nightlights."

Fish nightlights?

It's a billion-dollar idea.

Mum's the word.

Are you sure you don't want

to just apologize to Gablehauser
and get your job back?

No, I have too much to do.

Like luminous fish.

I'm sorry.
I didn't...

That's just the beginning.

I also have an idea

for a bulk mail-order
feminine hygiene company.

Oh, glow-in-the-dark tampons!

Leonard, we're gonna be rich.

Thanks for coming
on such short notice.

- You did the right thing calling.
- I didn't know what else to do.

He's lost all focus.
Every day he's got a new obsession.

This is a particularly disturbing one.

Mommy?

Hi, baby!

Oh, you got yourself a loom?
How nice!

Thank you.

Honey, why'd you get a loom?

I was working with luminous fish,
and I thought...

"loom."

Mom, what are you doing here?

Leonard called me.

I know, but why?

Because one of the great minds
of the 21st century

is raising glow-in-the-dark fish
and weaving serapes.

This is not a serape,
this is a poncho.

A serape is open at the sides;
a poncho is closed.

This is a poncho.

And neither is a reason
to call someone'smother.

Really? When was the last time
you left the house?

I went to the market with Penny.

That was three weeks ago.

Well, then buckle up.
In the next four to eight days

she's going to get very crabby.

Sweetheart, your little friend
is concerned about you.

Yes, well, I'm not a child--
I'm a grown man,

capable of living my life as I see fit.

And I certainly don't need someone
telling on me to my mother!

Wait, where are you going?

To my room.
And no one's allowed in!

He gets his temper
from his daddy.

He's got my eyes.

I see.

All that science stuff,
that comes from Jesus.

- Sheldon, your mom made dinner.
- I'm not hungry!

Don't trouble yourself.
He's stubborn.

He may stay in there till the Rapture.

We so sure that's abadthing?

I tell you,
I love the boy to death,

but he has been difficult since
he fell out of me at the K-Mart.

Excuse me for being so bold,

but I now see where Sheldon
gets his smoldering good looks.

Honey, that ain't gonna work,
but you keep tryin'.

I made chicken.

I hope that isn't one of the animals
that you people think is magic.

You know, we have an Indian
gentleman at our church,

a Dr. Patel--
It's a beautiful story.

The Lord spoke to him and moved him
to give us all 20% off on Lasik--

You know, those that needed it.

That is a lovely story.

Are we gonna do anything about Sheldon?

Oh, we will.
You have to take your time with Sheldon.

His father, God rest his soul,
used to always say to me,

"Mary, you have to take
your time with Sheldon."

- Sounds like a wise man.
- Oh, not so wise.

He once tried to fight a bobcat
for some licorice.

So, everybody
grab a plate

and a pretty place mat
that Shelly wove.

Has Shelly ever freaked out
like this before?

Oh, all the time.

I remember one summer
when he was 13,

he built a small nuclear
reactor in the shed

and told everybody he was gonna provide
free electricity for the whole town.

Well, the only problem was,

he had no what you call
"fissionable" materials.

Anyway, when he went on the Internets
to get some,

a man from the government
came by and sat him down

real gentle, and told him
it's against the law

to have yellow-cake uranium
in a shed.

- What happened?
- Well, poor boy had a fit.

Locked himself in his room
and built a sonic death ray.

A death ray?

That's what he called it.
Didn't even slow down the neighbor kids.

It pissed our dog off to no end.

You know, you two
make a cute couple.

No. We're not...
we're not-not a couple.

We're singles. Two singles.

Like those... individuly wrapped
slices of cheese that...

We're friends.

- Did I pluck a nerve there?
- Oh, yeah.

All right, everybody,
it's time to eat.

Oh, Lord,
we thank You for this meal

and all of Your bounty.

And we pray that You help Sheldon

get back on his rocker.

Now, after a moment
of silent meditation,

I'm gonna end with
"In Jesus' name,"

but you two don't feel
any obligation to join in.

Unless, of course,
the Holy Spirit moves you.

Oh, my God, this is the
best cobbler I've ever had.

It was always Sheldon's favorite.

You know what
the secret ingredient is?

- Love?
- Lard.

Hey, look who's come...

You'll spook him.

He's like a baby deer.
You got to let him come to you.

This is ridiculous.
Damn it, Sheldon, snap out of it!

You're a physicist--

You belong at the university
doing research, not hiding in your room!

You don't hunt, do you?

Good morning, snickerdoodle.

Morning.

Well, that looks awful fancy.
What is that?

It's my idea
of what DNA would look like

in a silicon-based life-form.

But intelligently designed
by a creator, right?

What do you want, Mom?

You know how your daddy used to say
that you can only fish for so long

before you got to throw a
stick of dynamite in the water?

Well, I'm done fishing.

You put those on.

- What for?
- Because you're gonna

go down to your office,
you're gonna apologize

to your boss
and get your job back.

No.
I'm sorry,

did I start that sentence
with the words,

"If it please Your Highness"?

I'm not going to apologize--
I didn't say anything that wasn't true.

Now, you listen here.

I have been telling you
since you were four years old,

it's okay to be smarter
than everybody,

but you can't go around
pointing it out.

- Why not?
- Because people don't like it!

Remember all the ass-kickings
you got from the neighbor kids?

Now, let's get crackin'.

Shower, shirt, shoes,
and let's shove off.

There wouldn't have been
any ass-kickings

if that stupid death ray
had worked.

Problem solved.

Really? That's impressive.

Leonard, the Lord never gives
us more than we can handle.

Thankfully, He blessed me
with two other children

who are dumb as soup.

Excuse me, Dr. Gablehauser,
are you busy?

- Well, actually...
- Sheldon, he's just doodlin'.

Get in here.

Let's go, baby.
We're losing daylight.

As you know,

several weeks ago
in our first encounter,

we may have gotten off
on the wrong foot

when I called you an idiot.

And I just wanted to say
that I was wrong...

to point it out.

I'm sorry,
we haven't been introduced.

Sheldon's mom.

Now, that's impossible! You must
have had him when you were a teenager.

Oh, aren't you sweet.
His father's dead.

- Recently?
- Long enough.

Please.

Sheldon, shouldn't you be working?

Hey, how did it go?

I got my job back.

Really?
What happened?

I'm not quite sure.

It involves a part
of the human experience

that has always eluded me.

That narrows it down.

I'm very proud of you honey.

You showed a lot of courage today.

Thanks, Mom.

Is Dr. Gablehauser going
to be my new daddy?

We'll see.

Sleep tight.