All language subtitles for The Big Bang Theory - 1x03 - The Fuzzy Boots Corollary.720p HDTV.YesTV.en

Alright, just a few more feet.

And... here we are, gentlemen,

the Gates of Elzebob.

Good Lord.

Don't panic. This is what the
last 97 hours have been about.

Stay frosty. There's a horde
of armed goblins

on the other side of that gate
guarding the Sword of Asaroth.

Warriors, unsheathe your weapons.
Magic wielders, raise your wands.

Lock and load.

Raj, blow the gates.

Blowing the gates.

Control,

shift... B!

Oh, my God, so many goblins!

Don't just stand there,
slash and move!

Stay in formation!

Leonard, you got one on your tail.

My tail's prehensile--
I'll swat him off.

I got him, Leonard.

Tonight I spice my mead
with goblin blood.

Raj, no, it's a trap!
They're flanking us!

He's got me!

Sheldon, he's got Raj.
Use your sleep spell!

I've got the Sword of Asaroth!

Forget the sword, help Raj!

There is no more Sheldon.
I am the sword master!

- Leonard, look out!
- Damn it, man, we're dying here!

Good-bye, peasants!

The bastard teleported!

He's selling the Sword
of Asaroth on eBay.

You betrayed us for money?
Who are you?

I'm a rogue night elf.

Don't you people read
character descriptions?

Wait, wait!
Somebody just clicked "Buy it now."

I am the sword master!

Season 1 Episode 3:
The Fuzzy Boots Corollary

I'm all sweaty.

Anybody want to log on
to Second Life and go swimming?

I just built a virtual pool.

No. I can't look at you
or your avatar right now.

Sounds like your neighbor's home.

Excuse me.

Don't forget the mail you took
accidentally on purpose

as an excuse to talk to her.

Oh, right, right, right.

Stealing snail mail--
very old school. I like it.

Penny,
the mailman, did it again...

Sorry.

Hi, Leonard.
This is Doug.

Doug, this is my neighbor Leonard.

What's up, bro?

Not much...

bro.

Is everything okay?

Yeah, no, I just...
I got your mail again. Here.

Thank you.
I've got to talk to that mailman.

Oh, no, that's probably not
such a good idea.

Civil servants have
a documented propensity

to, you know, snap, so...

Okay. Well, thank you again.

No problem. Bye.

Oh, and bye... bro.

Penny for your thoughts.

What's the matter?

I'm fine.

Penny's fine.
The guy she's kissing is really fine.

Kissing, what kind of kissing?
Cheeks? Lips? Chaste? French?

What is wrong with you?

I'm a romantic.

Don't tell me
that your hopeless infatuation

is devolving into pointless jealousy.

I'm not jealous.
I'm just a little concerned for her.

I didn't like the look of the guy.

Because he looks better than you?

He was kind of dreamy.

At least now you can
retrieve the black box

from the twisted,
smoldering wreckage

that was once your fantasy of dating her

and analyze the data
so that you don't crash

into Geek Mountain again.

I disagree.

Love is not a sprint,
it's a marathon--

a relentless pursuit that only ends
when she falls into your arms...

or hits you with
the pepper spray.

I'm done with Penny.

I'm going to be more realistic
and go after someone my own speed.

- Like who?
- I don't know...

Olivia Geiger.

The dietician at the cafeteria
with the limp and the lazy eye?

I don't think you have a shot there.

I have noticed that Leslie Winkle
recently started shaving her legs.

Now given that winter is coming,

one can only assume
she's signaling sexual availability.

I don't know.
You guys work in the same lab.

- So?
- There are pitfalls.

Trust me, I know.

When it comes to
sexual harassment law,

I'm a bit of a self-taught expert.

If I were to ask Leslie Winkle out,

it would just be for dinner.
I'm not going to walk into the lab,

ask her to strip naked
and dance for me.

Oh, then you're probably okay.

- Hello, Leslie.
- Hi, Leonard.

I'd like to propose an experiment...

- Goggles, Leonard.
- Right.

I would like to propose an experiment.

Hang on.

I'm trying to see how long it
takes a 500-kilowatt

oxygen iodine laser to heat up
my Cup a' Noodles.

I've done it. About two seconds.
2.6 for minestrone.

Anyway, I was thinking more

of a bio-social exploration
with a neuro-chemical overlay.

Wait, are you asking me out?

I was going to characterize it
as the modification

of our
colleague-slash-friendship paradigm

with the addition
of a date-like component,

but we don't need to
quibble over terminology.

What sort of experiment?

There's a generally accepted
pattern in this area.

I would pick you up,
take you to a restaurant.

Then we would see a movie,
probably a romantic comedy

featuring the talents
of Hugh Grant or Sandra Bullock.

Interesting.
And would you agree

that the primary way we would
evaluate either the success

or failure of the date would be

based on the biochemical reaction
during the good night kiss?

Heart rate,
pheromones, etc. Yes.

Why don't we just stipulate
that the date goes well

and move to the key variable?

- You mean kiss you now?
- Yes.

Can you define the
parameters of the kiss?

Close-mouthed but romantic.
Mint?

Thank you.

I count down from three?

No, I think it needs
to be spontaneous.

- What do you think?
- You proposed the experiment.

I think you should
present your findings first.

Fair enough.

On the plus side,
it was a good kiss.

Reasonable technique,
no extraneous spittle.

On the other hand, no arousal.

- None?
- None.

- Thank you for your time.
- Thank you.

None at all?

Sheldon,
if you were a robot,

and I knew
and you didn't...

...would you want me to tell you?

That depends.

When

I learn that I'm a robot...

will I be able to handle it?

Maybe-- although the history
of science fiction is not on your side.

Okay,
let me ask you this--

when I learn that I'm a robot,

would I be bound
by Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics?

You might be bound
by them right now.

That's true.
Have you ever harmed a human being

or through inaction allowed
a human being to come to harm?

- Of course not.
- Have you ever harmed yourself

or allowed yourself to be harmed

except in cases where a human being
would have been endangered?

- Well, no.
- I smell robot.

Hey, what's going on?

Internet's been down
for half an hour.

Also, Sheldon may be a robot.

So how'd it go with Leslie?

Oh, we tried kissing,
but the Earth didn't move.

I mean, any more than the 383 miles
that it was going to move anyway.

Oh, I've seen that look before.

This is just going to be
two weeks of moping

and tedious emo songs

and calling me to come down
to pet stores to look at cats.

I don't know if I can take it.

You could power down.

As usual, Wolowitz has the solution.

I happen to know a place

where there are plenty of eligible women
and Leonard could have his pick.

Remember the Latin hips.

Shoulders stay still, and...
we sway.

One, two, three...

...five, six, seven.

I think Mrs. Tishman's
got her eye on you.

I've been there.
You're in for a treat.

Oh, good Lord.

God, that's a good song.

If you're compiling a mix CD
for a double suicide.

Oh, I hope
that scratching post is for you.

I know what you're thinking.
I've taken your asthma into account.

There's a feline geneticist
in San Diego

who's developed the cutest
little hypoallergenic calicos.

- Listen to me...
- I've been thinking about names.

I'm kind of torn between
Einstein, Newton

and Sergeant Fuzzy Boots.

Do you really think
you can satisfy your need

for a relationship with
a genetically altered cat?

Maybe.

If it's a cute, little, cuddly cat.

Oh, come on. Leonard...

This is obviously about Penny.

It doesn't matter.

The woman's not interested in me.
The woman rejected me.

Look,

I think that you have
as much of a chance

of having a sexual relationship
with Penny

as the Hubble Telescope
does of discovering

at the center of every black hole

is a little man with a flashlight
searching for a circuit breaker.

Nevertheless,

I do feel obligated
to point out to you

that she did not reject you.

You did not ask her out.

You're right.

I didn't ask her out.
I should ask her out.

No, no, that was not my point.

My point was don't buy a cat.

No, but you're right.

I should march over there
and ask her out.

Oh, goody, we're getting a cat.

Good afternoon, Penny.
So, hi... hey.

I was wondering if you
had plans for dinner.

You mean dinner tonight?

There is an inherent ambiguity
in the word "dinner."

Technically it refers

to the largest meal of the day
whenever it's consumed.

So to clarify here,
by dinner I mean supper.

- Supper?
- Or dinner.

I was thinking 6:30 if you can go.
Or a different time.

6:30's great.

Really?

- Great.
- I like hanging out with you guys.

Us guys?

Yeah, you know, Sheldon, Howard, Raj.
Who all's coming?

They...

might all be there.

Or a subset
of them might be there.

Algebraically speaking,
there are too many unknowns.

For example,
Sheldon had Quiznos for lunch.

Sometimes he finds that filling,
other times he doesn't.

It's no fault of Quiznos--
they have a varied menu.

Okay, whatever.
It sounds like fun.

Great.

- Did we say a time?
- 6:30.

- And that's still good?
- It's fine.

- 'Cause it's not carved in stone.
- No, 6:30's great.

I'll get my chisel.

Why?

To... carve the...
I'll see you at 6:30.

How do I look?

Could you be more specific?

Can you tell I'm perspiring a little?

No. The dark crescent-shaped patterns
under your arms conceal it nicely.

- What time is your date?
- 6:30.

Perfect. That gives you

two hours and 15 minutes
for that dense molecular cloud

of Aramis to dissipate.

Is it too much?

Not if you're a rugby team.

If it should ever come up,

you didn't join us
because you stuffed yourself

with a chicken carbonara sub
at Quiznos.

Why would I join you?

No reason.

You know what,
maybe this isn't such a good idea.

No, well, now there's
always the possibility

that alcohol and poor judgment
on her part

might lead to a nice
romantic evening.

You're right. Alcohol, poor judgment--
it could go well.

There is the other
possibility, that...

this date kicks off
a rather unpleasant 6 months

of the two of you passing
awkwardly in the hall,

until one of you breaks down and
moves to another zip code.

You could've stopped
at "it could go well."

If I could've, I would've.

I mean, I'm a perfectly nice guy.

There's no reason we couldn't go
and have a lovely dinner,

maybe take a walk afterwards,

talk about things we have in common.

You love pottery?
I love pottery!

There's a pause,

we both know what's happening.
I lean in, we kiss.

It's a little tentative at first,
but then I realize

she's kissing me back.
She's biting my lower lip!

She wants me!
This thing is going the distance!

We're going to have sex!
Oh, God, oh, my God!

Is the sex starting now?

I'm having a panic attack.

Well then... calm down.

If I could,
I wouldn't be having a panic...

That's why they call it a panic attack.

Sit down.

Yeah, sit down. Now close your eyes.

- Why?
- Just do it.

Now try to increase
your alpha wave activity.

- What?!
- It's a biofeedback technique.

It's relaxation through
brain wave manipulation.

I read a paper about it
in Journal of American Neuroscience.

It was a little sparsely sourced,
but I think the basic science is valid.

I probably have it here somewhere.

Who am I kidding?
I can't go through with this.

You need to call her and cancel.

- Me?
- Yes.

- What should I tell her?
- I don't know. Tell her I'm sick.

Not an illness that will make her
want to take care of me,

but nothing so critical
that she'll feel uncomfortable

going out with me
if I want to try this again.

Got it.
So I'm assuming nothing venereal?

I'll just tell her
that you had a routine colonoscopy

and haven't quite bounced back.

- Give me the phone.
- I thought you wanted to cancel.

I can't, because if I don't show up
she'll still be expecting you.

Why would she be expecting me?

Stop asking me all these questions.

I need to take another shower.

So are the rest of the guys
meeting us here?

Oh, yeah... no.

It turns out that Raj
and Howard had to work, and Sheldon...

had a colonoscopy and he hasn't
quite bounced back yet.

My uncle just had a colonoscopy.

You're kidding.

Then that's something
we have in common.

How?

We both have people
in our lives who...

want to nip intestinal polyps
in the bud.

So what's new in
the world of physics?

Nothing.

Really? Nothing?

Well, with the exception
of string theory,

not much has happened
since the 1930s.

And you can't prove string theory.

At best you can say,

"Hey, look, my idea
has an internal logical consistency."

Well, I'm sure things will pick up.

What's new at the Cheesecake Factory?

Not much.

We do have a chocolate key lime
that's moving pretty well.

Good.

Good.

What about your...

hallway friend?

Doug?
Oh, yeah, I don't know.

I mean, you know,
he's nice and funny, but...

Can I get you started with some drinks?

- You were saying? But...
- I'd like a drink.

Just say the "but" thing about Doug
and then I'll get her back.

I don't know, it's just me.

I'm still getting over
this breakup with Kurt

and this thing with Doug
would just be rebound sex.

Don't get me started
on rebound sex.

It's just... it's my pattern.

I break up,
then I find some cute guy,

and then it's just 36
meaningless hours of...

you know.

I'm not sure that I do.

Is that one 36-hour experience,

or is that 36 hours
spread out over, say...

one glorious summer?

No, it's usually over a weekend,

and trust me, you do not feel
good after it.

Well, chafing, right?

Emotionally.

Of course, yeah,
emotional chafing.

Do you want to see something cool?

I can make this olive
go into this glass

without touching it.

- How?
- Physics.

Centrifugal force.

Actually, it's centripetal force,

which is an inward force
generated by the glass

acting on the olive...

Excuse me.

If you were riding
on the olive,

you'd be in a non-inertial
reference frame

and would...

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm okay.

Did you spill ketchup?

- No.
- I'm not okay.

You sure you don't want to go
to the emergency room?

No, I'm okay.
It stopped bleeding.

I know, but you did throw up.
Isn't that a sign of a concussion?

Yes.
But I get car sick, too, so...

Sorry about
your car, by the way.

It's fine.
You got most of it out the window.

The poor guy on the bike.

I had a nice time.

Yeah, me, too.

Well, um, good night.

Good night.

Was this supposed to be a date?

This?

No.

Of course not.
This was just you and me

hanging out with a bunch of guys
who didn't show up

'cause of work and a colonoscopy.

Okay, I was just checking.

When I take a girl on a date--

and I do--

she knows she's been dated.

Capital D.

Boldface. Underlined.
Da...ted.

I think I might have
a little concussion.

I'm gonna go lie down for a while.
Good night.

So, how was your date?

Awesome!

Score 1 for liquor and poor jugement.