All language subtitles for Outnumbered Christmas Special 2016.eng

(BIRDS TWEET)

Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com

Why not let Ben drive?

OK, OK.

It's a quiet road.

What could happen?

Yes, OK. Why isn't anyone answering?

She's still just sitting in her car.

Are you sure you're all right?

I'm fine, thank you.

I think Karen might have
post traumatic shock.

You can get that after a crash.

No, you're OK. She's on Instagram...

the symptoms are very similar.

I'm not sure we should call
it a crash, more a... clip?

It'll be fine. He's actually
getting quite confident.

Will you stop doing that? It's
not like he's a complete beginner.

- (KAREN GUFFAWS)
- Not helpful, Karen.

I'm not laughing at you.

Zosha has this face-swapping
app and she's face-swapped

with Delilah's cat.

Well, as long as you're taking no
interest in a major family crisis.

- No.
- God.

The worst possible day to have an accident.

Is accident the right word?

I mean, given that many neurologists
argue that free will is an

illusion, then really there is
no such thing as an accident.

- God's sake.
- Hadn't we best go and swap insurance details with her?

Hang on, I'm still holding...
24 hour emergency helpline.

Which 24 hours though? A Tuesday in July.

So we're just going to spend
Boxing Day in a ditch in Hampshire?

We did pass a pub that was
open just before Ben's... clip.

Today of all days.

Sue, can I do something?

Kate, you're always such a great help.

Is that some of him?

Oh, maybe. Oh, no, hang on, no.

That's just some crumbs from those Hobnobs.

Are you sure you've got the right number?

Yeah, cos I got the cheerful
Geordie voice saying,

"Thank you for calling Super Speed Rescue.

"We will sort you out in a second."

Research shows that Geordie
voices are the most trusted.

Yeah, like you'd leave Paul Gascoigne

in charge of your finances.

I'll just grab the wheel
if there's any problem.

You really shouldn't keep
saying that stuff, Mum.

- Thank you, Karen.
- Cos she's filming us. - What?

And if she goes for
compensation she could use that

as admissible evidence.

She's still doing it.

I'm not having that.

- Sue.
- People are so bloody rude now.

- Mum...
- No, I'm going to go and give her a piece of my mind.

- Mum...
- I'm going to go over there and I'm going to say...

Do you need any help with that?

- Once we get someone to help us get the car out of the ditch we can be on our way.
- Come on.

- Ah, Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Yes! Brilliant!

Sorry, no, we've just had
the disabled toilet done up

just before Christmas.

This will be its first outing,
like, you know, so if you need to...

Anyway, you folks had a nice Boxing Day?

(SARCASTICALLY) Bleedin' fantastic.

Sorry, really sorry.

It's just I've been listening
to a recorded message

for the last half hour

and it has exactly the
same accent as you and...

Hello? Hello, hang on, you're breaking up.

So what brings you here?

An accident. Do you have Wi-Fi please?

- Yeah, the password's on the menu.
- Oh, thanks.

- An accident?
- Yeah. Our car's stuck in a ditch.

You don't have some kind of
container that I could put

- the contents of this into?
- What is it?

Grandad.

It's my father's ashes.

The container the crematorium
gave us broke in the car crash.

He went everywhere.

You'd think the crematorium
would give you a container

that could survive a
small car crash, but, no.

Well, that was them all over.
The way they rushed us through.

I swear they played that
salsa version of Abide With Me

just because it was quicker.

Not your day, is it?
Funeral and a car crash.

Oh, the funeral was months ago.

He just wanted his ashes scattered
at the spot where he met Mum.

That's so romantic.

Yeah, on Boxing Day, the day he met her.

Oh, I wish I'd had the chance to meet him.

It's probably best you didn't.

As the dementia got worse he...

He had, um...

boundary issues around younger women.

Well, and older women and, erm, men
he thought looked a bit like women.

It's just that on your card here,
the one that guarantees to get

there in an hour and a half
maximum, there is no mention of

"except on Boxing Day".

Wait, I'll look. Nope.

No mention of "except if people
don't fancy working" either.

Thinking about your dad?

No,

just remembered about Trump.

Would you like a coffee?

Anyone else?

Facetime me in.

Who are you talking to?

Oh, it's LaPaula's 15th
birthday and she's invited over

Zephyr, Shazonce, Shamola

and Anne.

Hi, girls.

Oh, really?

Yes, so sarcasm won't get the
tow truck here any quicker?

So what will? Hyperbole? Bathos? Litotes?

Haven't I?

Can I do that now?

Please?

Jill, can I get you a tea or coffee?

- No, thank you.
- Something stronger?

- No, I'm...
- Something to eat?

No, I'm OK.

Ow.

Are you all right?

Did something to my neck in the crash.

Oh, I'm sorry. Can we...?

Don't say, "sorry". She could use
that as an admission of liability.

- Karen.
- If she says you admitted guilt,

- you just say you were showing sympathy.
- Karen!

My advice, don't talk to her.

- Don't be so...
- Bit of a problem.

Seems that our breakdown
cover wasn't renewed.

So how are we going to
get to scatter Dad's ashes?

And what's Angela going to say?

Don't worry about your sister.

She's just sitting there
in a jacuzzi in California

waiting to find fault.

You saw how she was at the funeral.

"Why did you put him in a Mercedes hearse?

"He hated the Germans." And how
was I supposed to know that they'd

get in that Reverend Schweinsteiger?

Look, if she can't be bothered to come...

No, it's not just Angela.

- I promised Dad.
- I know.

"I promise you I will honour
your wishes," that's what I said.

He thought I was that Korean
woman but it still counts.

Look, we will get through it.

We have a family tradition
of difficult Christmases.

Ben mistaking that sewage
pipe for buried treasure.

Losing Karen in the safari park.

Ben dropping the frozen
turkey on Mum's foot.

Is dropping the right word? I mean,
she did actually knock the frozen...

Yeah, yeah.

Anyway, we will find a way
of getting there, won't we?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- We will, Mum.

Well, I'm very grateful you all
came, and Karen, I know your friends

have organised a party and
you'd really like to be there.

It's OK, I am there.

Just talking to my mum.

Aye, it's not easy, honouring
the wishes of the deceased.

My dad passed away six months
back, left strict instructions.

What were his wishes?

He wanted his ashes thrown
in the face of Mike Ashley.

Ashes to Ashley, like, you know.

We took the urn to the
Newcastle-Villa match

but there was too much security.

My brother reckons we might
get him at the next, erm,

Sports Direct AGM.

(BEEPING)

Is that one of those fitness trackers?

Yeah, it's a Christmas
present from my wife.

My ex had one of those.

She became obsessed about her weight,

used to stand naked in front
of the bedroom mirror for hours.

"I'm virtually obese," she'd say,

and she was right.

Hey, there's a fella comes in here,
he'd get you out of that ditch.

He's got a tow truck... Billy Spaz.

Shall I give him a call?

Yes. Yes, please.

Billy Spaz? You can't say that.

Well, we're in Clarkson
country here aren't we? It's...

Well, you'll have to have a word.

I mean, if no-one challenges
that behaviour we'll end up

back in the 20th century.

You are absolutely right
and we will say something,

but can we just wait until Billy...

...turns up with his truck?

How about this? Any good?

- Uh...
- For your dad's ashes.

I mean, it needs emptying, obviously.

And you... You'll want the label taken off.

Yeah.

So, Jill.

Tea, coffee?

No, I'm fine, thank you.

Or something to eat then?
Nuts? Crisps? Nibbles?

Thanks, but if I wanted
something to eat I'd order it.

Of course, yeah, of course.
I'm... I'm not, erm...

Weren't the Paralympics marvellous?

I hate the Paralympics.

Right. Yes.

Because you don't like the way
that Paralympians are always

portrayed as heroic?

No, I don't like sport.

OK.

Good.

Go on, Taser him. Taser him!

That is a video game, isn't it?

Whoa.

Those girls aren't drinking, are they?

No, no, they're still too
hungover from last night.

That isn't strictly correct.

I've just taken nine steps,
it's only counted seven.

- Fascinating.
- Which means when it says...

Pete. Do you think we ought to
call a taxi, because it's been

over an hour now and that tow truck guy...?

Billy Spaz.

Yeah. He hasn't turned up.

I'll call you a taxi.

Dad, you are going to have to
talk to him about that word.

- It's offensive.
- Yes, I know Jake, just not now.

I'll try Kathy, I think she's
the only driver out today

since Martin breached
his non-molestation order.

Hello, is that Kathy?

I think I inhaled some of
grandad in the incident,

which is quite interesting
in a way cos with every breath

we're inhaling atoms of Aristotle and...

and Shakespeare and Einstein.

I like to think that when I fart,
there's some of Hitler in there.

I can see why you did
philosophy at A-Level.

And psychology, he's
really getting into that.

By the way, if he asks to
attach electrodes to your head,

just say no.

I'm really sorry, Kate,
about all the delays,

we were meant to get you back
to your mum's, weren't we?

Don't worry about me, I'll give her a
call. She might be able to come and get me.

Isn't she lovely?

I've got a feeling that
"Kake" has a great future.

"Kake"?

Kate and Jake.

I mean, I know we shouldn't get
ahead of ourselves, but she's so

good for him, and one day she's
going to make a lovely mum.

What, grandchildren?

I'm going to need at least another
15 years to recover from children.

Oh, God, I'm sorry, I'm just...

I'm going to have to loosen this boot.

Listen, Dad,

Mum is going to have to slow down.

Well, me and Kate...

I think it's over.

Oh, I'm sorry. Why?

Because I'm going to tell her it's over.

- Oh, you're ending it with her?
- Thanks for the vote of confidence.

No it wasn't that, it was...

God, she is going to be devastated.

No, Kate's tough.

Not Kate, Mum.

Are you absolutely certain
you want to call it a day?

OK.

When are you going to tell her?

I'll... I'll phone her, you
know, after Christmas is over.

- Not Kate, Mum!
- Well, you can't tell Mum.

She's got far too much to worry about

and she'll let it slip to Kate.
Do you promise you won't tell Mum?

Well...

OK.

You folks all right for drinks?

Fine thanks. Actually, no,
I'm going to have a whisky.

I can have one, can't I?

Of course we can. Two.

If you knew you were going to end it,

why did you invite her for Christmas?

I didn't, Mum did.

Oh, yeah. Anyway you'll
have to say something soon.

Yes, I will, OK, I'll call her.

I mean, I know texting is
unacceptable if you've been with

someone for more than a month but
doing it when she's actually there?

That's savage.

In my day when you were chucking someone

you didn't have the virtual option.

Although one girl dumped
me by writing in felt tip

on my chest when I was asleep.

I often wanted to ask her...

Actually, Dad, there is
something else I've been...

(SUE LAUGHS)

Oh, God.

All right, love?

Yeah, it's just the accident has upset me.

Actually, I must be pretty
stressed cos my pulse is 86.

No, 87.

Now 88.

I wish I'd bought you socks.

I wonder if the stress of
having a rising pulse rate

is causing my pulse rate to rise.

Yeah.

92.

93.

90. 91.

- 96!
- Do you think she really is considering a compensation claim?

Hang on a sec, girls.

Look, she's faking whiplash
which is what the uninformed do,

because they don't know that the
law was changed in November 2015.

Neck injuries are no longer a cash cow.

OK, I'm back.

I'm not! You're a big cheek.

Kate always lights up a room, doesn't she?

Mm, yeah.

Very much.

- There you go.
- Thank you.

She's a keeper.

See, what I'd do if I was her
is give up on whiplash and go for

some kind of minor brain trauma.

See, that's where the big
cash pay-outs are these days.

Karen, I think you're being a bit unkind.

I mean, we don't just
assume that disabled people

are scroungers of some kind.

- I don't.
- We have to treat her exactly the same as everyone else.

I am. I'm treating her the same
as any other rip-off merchant.

It's you two that are
guilty of... ableness-ism.

- No, we're not. Are we?
- No.

- No. - Of course we're not. We're
being even about things. - Yes, you are.

You're just assuming she's a good
person cos she's in a wheelchair.

- Shh!
- No, we're not.

I booked your taxi.

Oh, thanks, you're a life saver.

- Yeah, Kathy says it'll be two to three hours.
- What?

Though with these new pills she's
taking she can't cross bridges

so... best allow four.

Four hours? It'll be dark
by then. That's no good.

Sue, would it be so bad to
scatter his ashes on another day?

He left written instructions.

He was suffering from dementia.

It was the early stages.

He did ask for the Band
of the Grenadier Guards

to perform at his funeral.

That was just silly.

- And Pan's People.
- Look.

Scattering his ashes in his special
place on his special day is the

only one of his wishes that I can
honour, so we need to get him there.

Look, Mum, do we?

He's dead.

I'm not being mean, I really liked Grandad,

a lot, but he doesn't exist
any more so he won't know.

So, Ben, if on my deathbed, I
asked you to scatter my ashes

in a special place, are you
saying you wouldn't agree to that?

- No, no, of course I would.
- OK.

I'd agree to it but I might not do it,

unless it was nearby like the garden.

Well, I wouldn't want you to walk
all the way out there when there's

a perfectly good waste
disposal unit next to the sink.

This isn't just for
Grandad, Ben. It's for Mum.

Oh, she's achieving closure?
Why didn't you just say?

We'll find a way, Mum, don't worry.

Excuse me, what's the Wi-Fi password?

smashashley123... all lower case.

Cheers.

Teenagers.

They're often kind of right
in a black and white way.

Mind you the only government run
by teenagers was the Khmer Rouge

in Cambodia and they killed three
million of their own people, so...

Oww.

Oh, ow.

You all right, Jill?

Yeah, gone a bit dizzy.

Seeing things double.

I'll, erm, I'll fetch you a drink.

Water, or tea, sweet tea, sweet tea's good.

Must be from the crash
when I bumped my head.

Just have a bit of a sit down.

Listen, if there's anything we
can do, Jill, just let us know.

OK, now you're in trouble.

She's obviously looked
up whiplash on her phone

and changed the symptoms.

We need to subpoena her
phone and internet records.

Karen, when you're a
little older you'll realise

that aggression is not the
answer in these situations.

- Yeah, OK.
- Good.

Oh, that's just my dad, yeah.

Him and Mum are getting turned
over by this disabled woman.

Karen, will you not do...

Pete, listen, why don't you go
and have a quiet word with her?

- Why me?
- Cos I'm feeling emotional, for Christ sakes.

Maybe we could convince her
not to involve the insurance

companies and that way we could
both hang on to our no claims bonus.

Yeah, maybe Ben was driving
too fast but she definitely

- pulled out without stopping.
- No, no, she stopped,

then she pulled out, that's
why Ben swerved to the right.

- He didn't swerve to the right, he swerved left. - He
did swerve to the right. - He sort of went straight on.

- No, he went to stop and then he swerved...
- How could he? We drive on the left.

- No, he swerved to the right.
- He's lucky he didn't hit the tractor.

- Tractor?
- What tractor?

- Yeah, there was a tractor.
- I'd have noticed a tractor.

Well, we can't all be right.

But, interestingly, we can all be wrong.

This just goes to show, there's
no such thing as reality.

I'll put that on the
insurance form, shall I?

All that's certain is
that the subjective nature

of perception means that we all
recall different versions of events.

Like when I chased that
pig down the escalator.

Yeah, we can't agree
whether we were interviewed

by two social workers or three.

Actually, all that's certain
is that you guys need to keep

your voices down cos
she's filming us again.

Well, all I know is that Ben is one
of the best drivers I've ever seen.

Kate, thanks, but no.

So, what's the latest?

1,761 calories.

I wonder if that takes account
of my unusually fast metabolism.

Pete! What's happening with Jill?

Oh, right. She's not having it.

She seems to think that
she would win any dispute

against a 17-year-old
with a provisional license.

And I wonder where she
got that crazy idea from.

Oh, any luck with the other taxi firms?

Oh, nothing so far. Do you want
some grub while you're waiting?

We've got an award-winning chef.

Chef of the Year three
years running in Bucharest.

Right.

So will he be allowed to stay, you know,

- after Brexit?
- Ah, ah, ah.

We've had four fights in here.

My ex is still incredibly
angry about the vote,

and she won.

Still, she is one of those
people for whom, you know,

the glass always looks half empty.

Right, a pessimist?

No, an alcoholic.

- Katie.
- Mum!

Put on a bit of weight
over Christmas, have we?

- Hey. Hi, lovely Jake.
- Hi.

- And this is...
- Oh, the Brockmans! Oh.

Oh, I can't believe it's
taken us so long to meet.

Aren't they fabby together?

- Fabby.
- What happened to your foot?

Oh, nothing. It's just one of those
frozen turkey-related incidents.

- You're very young.
- Oh, I had kids young.

Well, there's nothing wrong with that. I was just
saying earlier that Kate would make a lovely...

Hi, I'm Pete, lovely to meet you.

You the folks who had the crash?

Crash isn't quite the word I'd use.

Yes, we are. Are you...?

- It's Billy Spaz.
- Dad!

I towed her in here, few
scratches, but she looks fine.

Brilliant. So we can drive her?

Don't see why not.

I'll tell my lad to unhook
her and leave her out front.

Dad, you have to say something
to... About the name thing.

He's right, it's wrong.

What's wrong?

Well, it's just that we...

I think you shouldn't call him Billy Spaz.

- Well, what do you want me to call him?
- Well...

Who's the Zafira belong to?

Cos she's scrap.

The Zafira is ours.

Oh, she's yours?

Well, cost you more to
fix her than she's worth.

Sorry. You look like a Volvo man.

The Volvo's mine.

- Oh, she's yours.
- Can I drive it?

Will it be safe to
drive with double vision?

Oh, do you know, I think
it's a bit better now.

So can I drive it?

Well?

Sorry.

Just remembered about Trump.

No, she'll be fine. Yeah,
so that's 50 quid you owe me.

Volvo man?

It'll have to be a cheque.

Just make it out to Billy Spaz, with a Z.

Your name is...

Billy Spaz?

Yeah, it's not like it's hard to remember.

Old German Jewish name. Yeah.

Should really be pronounced Shpaaz.

- Right.
- My dad came over on the Kindertransport.

It's just that your name is sort of...

Have you ever thought it
might be more sensible to...

change your name?

Well, thank you very much.

But I'm very proud of my Jewish heritage.

- No, I didn't mean...
- Dad! - You told me to.

Just when you think that sort
of prejudice is finally over.

Thank you, Brexit.

Billy!

Sorry, everyone.

Look, Billy.

Mr. Spaz...

Shpaaz...

Well, I was going to offer you
a lift somewhere but I think I'll

just get on with the rest of my day.

Well done, Pete.

It wasn't... They... I...

If you want to sell your car for scrap,

Phil Nutter over Shellingfield
will give you a tenner for it.

We'll bear that name in mind.

Nutter.

The man's name... that
can't be wrong, can it?

- I don't know, it still...
- That man would have given us a lift.

I could probably squeeze you all in.

Oh, would you? Oh, thanks,
that would be so brilliant.

- It gives us a chance to get to know each other better.
- I hope we're going to see a lot more of you.

Yeah. Is it OK if I just
grab a quick sandwich?

- What, now?
- Yeah. - All right.

First customer.

- You are an idiot because you crashed the car.
- Boys...

He keeps insulting my driving. I
could take you right now, so easily.

- Whatever.
- Jake, he could take any of us,

with the possible exception of Karen.

(DEEP VOICE) I let you puny
weaklings live just for my amusement.

Put me down! No, we talked about this.

Put me down.

Your family are such fun.

From the outside, yeah.

Phoenix? Billy Bob?

What are you doing?

Oh, you remember my mate, Janice?

Was she the one that decided she was a boy?

He decided he was a boy.

Well, we're all just chipping
in with idea for names.

Right now the front runners
are Nimrod and Kevin.

Oh, yeah, no, sorry, I was
just talking to my brother.

No, no, not the cool one.

I just wanted to say it's been
lovely spending Christmas with you.

It's been lovely for us too,
having a young person in the house

who doesn't expect us to find their pants.

Sorry. I probably shouldn't
have mentioned your pants.

Ah, well, that's fine.

Yeah, we're only 15 miles from
where we scatter the ashes.

Anyway, I've had a lovely Christmas.

Us too, we must try and stay in touch.

Yeah, yeah...

Stay in touch?

Why wouldn't we stay in touch?

Well, we would.

Which is why we mustn't
not... stay in touch.

Jake's splitting up with me, isn't he?

No. Definitely not.

What, so he's told you he
isn't splitting up with me?

No, he just looks like he isn't.

- Is this because of the Canterbury job?
- He's got a job?

Yes, now, would you tell
me the truth, please.

I'd rather not.

Look, if you ask me, he's making a mistake.

So he is ditching me?!

Is there any chance you could
not say anything to Jake?

It's just that I've
promised him I wouldn't.

So let me get this right.

You'd like me to act surprised
when he finally decides to tell me?

Well...

I'll say this for you,
you're not a born liar. Drink?

Yes, please.

I brought you some tea.

Oh, well, actually I was just about to...

- Hi, I'm Karen.
- Hi.

I've got a teacher who has
MS so I know that life can be

really tough for the disabled.

You know, most people, they see
the wheelchair and not the person.

Well, that's certainly true.

Well, I see the person...

the person that's trying
to rip off my mum and dad.

Oh, oh. You know, I'm...

I'm feeling dizzy again. Maybe
I'd better call an ambulance.

You'll need your phone for that.

You stole my phone?

I'm returning your phone.

I noticed there were several
texts sent around the time of the

accident, one half-finished at
11:07 right as the accident happened.

And did you show these
texts to your mum and dad?

No, just to LaPaula,
Shazonce, Shamola and Anne.

I screenshotted them and shared
them, just for the record.

Enjoy your tea.

How's the pulse rate?

Oh, it's way up.

Mind you, I have burnt
over 2,000 calories now.

Probably burnt off quite a lot
just by constantly looking at it.

- Mum.
- Oh, hi, Babs. Sorry, are you ready to go?

What the hell does your
son think he's playing at?

- Sorry? - Nobody treats my girl like
that. Where is he? - Ah, OK, well...

And what sort of person gets his
dad to do the dirty for him, eh?

- Well, no, that's not actually...
- No, no, you should be ashamed of yourself.

- Mum, let's go.
- No, not till I've spoken to Jake.

Spoken to him about what?

Me and Jake are splitting up.

Oh, no. Why? Well, can't
you give him another chance?

He's splitting up with me!

Really? That... That's awful.

I didn't know.

He knew.

You knew?

Well, let me provide some context here.

You knew and you didn't tell me.

- I didn't tell anyone.
- Apart from Kate.

You told Kate that Jake
was breaking up with her?

Well, no, technically that's not
correct, I tried not to tell her.

Does anyone want to know the football
scores because Arsenal are absolutely...?

- Well, cheers, Dad.
- I didn't say anything.

- Kate, look, just...
- Let's go, Mum.

- Can I just have one second?
- Put it in a text, Jake.

Despicable.

Babs, I'm sorry about this, I really am.

Are we still OK for the lift?

OK, no, sorry, fair enough.

Stay in touch.

I have to speak to her. Kate!

Kate!

How's the foot?

Did your dad specify a
particular Boxing Day?

My brother just dumped his girlfriend.

No, not that brother, I said girlfriend.

My mum is going to go
mental when he comes back.

He's coming back.

- They almost ran me down.
- What is wrong with you?

Oh, Mum, please.

A lovely, intelligent, beautiful
girl and you ditch her. Are you mad?

- Eh?
- I mean let's face it, Jake, you were batting way out of your league.

Oh, and thank you
for the vote of confidence.

And now you've gone and
broken that poor girl's heart,

and cost us our lift.

That's an interesting question,
cos did Jake cost us our lift,

or did Dad?

I didn't tell her.

She sort of deduced it.

How did she deduce it?

- Well...
- I think it was the hesitations.

- Yeah, thank you, Brian.
- After you said "stay in touch".

Stay in touch?!

It just came out.

That's interesting though, isn't
it? That she immediately guessed.

Maybe at some subliminal,
subconscious level, she...

Shut up, Ben.

That's a bit rude.

- What can I get you?
- Can I have a packet of crisps?

She's just worried that she won't
be able to fulfil Grandad's wishes.

The best we can hope for I suppose
is that our taxi turns up soon.

Actually, I'm pretty sure
Grandad told me he met Grandma

at a dogfight in Singapore.

I think he told me it
was a bus stop in Ipswich.

He told me it was on a tram.

Right. Actually, come to think of it,

he told me it was at a Lovely
Legs competition in Butlin's.

Just goes to show, if
memory is so subjective,

is there such a thing as history?

Yes, there is, cos I'm a history
teacher and we need the money.

So if no-one knows where he met her,

does it matter where we scatter his ashes?

Does anything matter? Ascribing
an existential meaning...

(ALL) Shut up, Ben.

Also rude.

I haven't calmed down. I've
just come to get my scarf.

Hey, Mum, Mum. Look, I'm sorry I
lost us the lift, OK, and I know

Kate is a very, very lovely
girl, and I'm very fond of her.

But, Mum, ultimately we are very
different people, and it would also

be difficult because I've
been waiting to tell you,

I've got this job.

- You've got a job?
- Yeah, in Canterbury.

Oh, great. Something
else you didn't tell me.

There wasn't time. Kate
told me, I didn't mean...

Look, the great thing is,

he's found something when
he's been looking for so long.

Yeah. It's great. Well
done, love, that's great.

So what's the job?

Oh, it's for a start up,
just sourcing local ethical

furniture and linking
it with the retailers.

I mean, obviously it's
a pretty long way away.

Well, it's not that bad,

I mean what's the
quickest way to Canterbury?

Well, a plane.

Plane? No, no, no, you need the
M2 and then the A2 from Faversham.

Ah.

Yeah, you see, it's actually
Canterbury, New Zealand.

Sorry, I thought you knew that.

No, no.

Kate didn't get that far.

New Zealand that's...

That's like Australia.

Mm.

But... that's great, that's great.

- That's brilliant.
- Well done. - Well done.

- It's exciting.
- Well done, it'll be a real adventure for you.

- And how long's it for?
- Well, the contract is for two years.

Two years. That's...

That's excellent.

- Well, that's great. That's a... That's a really good...
- Wow.

- ...length of contract.
- Really good.

I mean, two years minimum.

Could be longer.

It will go really fast, won't it?

Yeah, well done you. Brilliant.
Really, really, really...

Totally brilliant, totally,
totally, absolutely brilliant.

Brian's just told me that our cab lady

has had to return to
base for her medication.

What are you looking at?

Text from Angela... "How did it go?
Am waiting for you to upload video."

New Zealand.

That's actually further than Australia.

We can Skype.

There's Snapchat.

Facebook if he lets us friend him.

Instagram.

Two years.

Maybe he'll never come home.

Maybe he'll meet a nice New
Zealand girl and we'll have

- grandchildren we never meet.
- Sue...

Oh, why am I putting us all
through this stupid ashes thing?

Why don't we just admit
defeat and get home?

- You sure?
- Yes.

Listen, I can't leave the bar
but I see how desperate you are,

so you can borrow my car if you like.

Really?

Aye, no sweat.

Brian, that is incredibly kind.

OK.

OK, team, wagon's roll.

It's a bit sticky in second.

Hang on, I can't drive, I'm over the limit.

Oh, me too, yeah.

- Well, I can't drive with this foot.
- I can drive.

You're not far over the limit?

- You'd be fine, Dad, I mean...
- You can drive.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I can't have someone who's
over the limit drive my car.

I'm a publican, they'd shut me down.

It'll be fine. I'll drive.

It'll be good for my confidence.

Is your foot that bad?

- I can't press down on it.
- You can just use

- the other one, Mum.
- You're walking.

All right, listen.

I won't drive fast, and the way I see it,

either I drive or Grandad's
wishes just don't get honoured.

OK, come on.

I could wait here.

No, come on.

Jesus, look at that heart rate.

It's just up here. I can't
believe we've actually made it.

My driving was OK, wasn't it?

It was...

...not bad at all.

Yeah, like, I didn't go too fast.

No, no. Well, maybe just that one bit.

- What bit?
- The bit when you hit the chicken.

You're not supposed to
swerve to avoid animals.

Well, if they're in a coop,
I think you probably are.

It wasn't actually in its
coop, it was loitering round it.

A loitering chicken? Are you mental?

OK, OK. We're here and that's what matters.

Yeah, and it feels like our
luck has finally changed.

There it is.

Dad's bench.

- Hopefully the weather will hold.
- I wouldn't worry. Jake's got the brollies.

- What...? What...?
- What the hell is...?

- Oh, my God.
- Dad, they're Nazis!

Cease fire!

What the blazes are you doing here?

What are we doing here?
What are you doing here?

Why are there a bunch of Nazis
running around in the woods?

We are conscripts from the 916th Regiment

of the 352nd Volksgrenadier Division,

so we are patriotic Germans
defending our homeland, not Nazis.

Yes, well, we are real people
living in the correct century.

People who ignore signs.

What signs?

Thompson, I told you not
to do the signs in brown.

Are you allowed to be running
around here with pretend guns?

We have cleared it with all
the relevant authorities.

We are re-enacting a skirmish
with complete historical accuracy.

Apart from Thompson
who is wearing trainers.

And apart from the fact that
this is actually Hampshire.

This is an engagement that took
place on December 26th 1944,

in the Ardennes at this precise
hour, although we are fractionally

behind schedule because the
Americans were late getting here.

That is historically accurate.

Look, we are here to scatter
my father's ashes at that bench

up there. Well, it was up there.

Well, do you have to?

- Yes.
- Yeah, we do.

Seems a bit pointless.

Says the man dressed as a Nazi.

We're not Nazis.

Look, we just need ten
minutes of peace and quiet.

Well, as luck would have it,
there was a lull in the skirmish

at 14:55 for nine minutes.

Right, that's fine. Nine minutes is fine.

OK, men, take a short...
Thompson, put the iPhone away!

Oh, look, the bench has survived.

Ah.

- What's that?
- It's from our disabled lady.

She says she is happy to completely
forget any insurance claim.

- You see, Karen, aggression is never the answer in these situations.
- OK.

Do you know it would be nice
if just for once you said,

"Mum, Dad, you were right."

Mum, Dad, you were right.

Gee, that wasn't so
difficult was it? What the...?

Who does that? Who comes to
a beauty spot and does that?

Someone who feels they
have no stake in society,

and doesn't like JD.

Look, this is where your
mum met your dad, isn't it?

That's what he said, right here.

OK.

No, you're right.

I said we'd film this for Auntie Angela.

OK, I'm on it.

You can't read "Made in
Germany" on this, can you?

Cos otherwise she'll just bang on
about how he would have hated that.

- I think it's fine.
- OK. I'm ready.

(TRUMPET PLAYS LAST POST)

What's that?

The Last Post.

Thanks, but no.

OK, record.

We're gathered here to carry out
Dad's... Grandad's expressed wishes.

It's a shame Angela couldn't
be with us because of her

important commitments.

I suppose this is a kind of goodbye,
but then life is full of goodbyes,

and just because someone isn't
close by, that doesn't mean

that they're gone, because
they're always in here.

OK, so this is where it started,
Dad, and this is where it ends,

which is what makes it so perfect.

Is this going to drag on much longer?

Never driven at dusk before.

You two must be under the limit by now.

'fraid not, I had three scotches.

I had four.

Mind you, two of those were once
I realised Ben would be driving.

(SUE SIGHS)

Trump?

No, Angela.

She's going to have a field
day... a Nazi at Dad's farewell.

Oh, forget her. You did great, Mum.

- Yeah. - You got him to his special place.
- Yeah.

Although I could have
sworn he said they met

at a Shirley Bassey concert.

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