All language subtitles for Modern Family s10e12 Blasts from the Past.eng

[ Speaking Italian ]

[ Speaking Italian ]

We're taking
a four-week bicycle trip

through the vineyards
of Italy!

We figure that this summer,
our whole lives

are gonna be
turned upside-down

when Haley, Dylan, and
their twins move in with us,

so why not splurge
on a grandbaby-moon?

So we've been hitting
the language tapes,

the, uh --
the stationary bikes,

and a couple of times a day,
I wolfishly whistle at Claire

to prepare her for
that timeless Roman charm.

I can't believe after all
those nights at Fratelli's

talking about
going to Italy,

it's actually
happening.

[ Italian accent ]
Ohh, American lady!

Why do you
do this to me?

Don't make me practice
my slap on you again. Mm.

[ Music plays ]
[ Normal voice ] What's that?

Oh, I'm on hold.
I'm booking us

into a converted castle
in Tuscany

for our anniversary.
Does it have a moat?

I've been working on all
of our receipts for taxes.

Looks like we're getting
a refund,

which means that
we can afford to --

To pay the dwarf who will
lower the drawbridge

if we answer
his riddles three?

I'm gonna nip this
in the bud. No moat.

This trip was
such a great idea.

Oh, I know.
Ah. Mwah!

Things are gonna be
so hectic here this summer. Mm-hmm.

It's weird to think
people will be calling us

Grandpa and --
-No, please don't say it.

Don't say that word.
It makes me feel so old.

But I have thought about
what I want them to call me.

Gammy.
Gammy.

Well, let's take her
for a spin.

"Hey, everyone,
Gammy's here!"

"Sorry, guys, not today,
Gammy's in a mood."

Yeah, it does.
It works. Mm. Yeah.

-Hey, roomies.
-Hey -- "Roomies"?

What is with all the boxes
and the bags?

Well, I know we said we'd
move in when the babies come,

but then we thought about
all the money we'd save.

-Mucho dinero.
-Mm.

-Yes.
-You look mad.

I should've told you.
I was afraid to tell you.

I didn't think that I could
handle the disappointment

[voice breaking]
if you weren't happy about it.

But you're not unhappy
about it, right?

Right?!
-Oh, honey. Oh, honey.

Oh, my gosh, you're the best.
I love you so much.

-[ Chuckles ]
-[ Inhales deeply ]

Wow! What a journey.

What is my life gonna be like
when I'm in the hormonal stage?

Oh, wait, there was
one more thing, um...

Woman: Hey, where should I
put these boxes?

My mom surprised us.
We were hoping

she could stay
a couple days.

Hello, hello!

Well, it's about time
we officially met,

considering our DNA is
already swirling around

in Haley's womb.
[ Chuckles ]

Phil.

-Oh, hey.
-Mwah.

-Claire.
-Oh, hi.

[ Smooches ]

I'm Farrah.
Hi, Farrah.

-You look so familiar.
-Well, I meet a lot of people

with my work in
the protest movement.

Oh, did you participate in
the Ivory is Murder Fun Run?

Not that I recall.
Sweetheart, why don't you show Farrah

where she
will be sleeping. Oh, no,

I just need
two weight-bearing hooks

spaced seven feet apart.

This kimono converts
to a hammock.

Ah.

Travel agent:
Pronto! Italy!

They answered!
Where's the phone? Oh! Oh, no, no, no.

-Where's the phone?
-I got it, right here.

-You got it? Get it.
-Yeah. Oh!

Oh! Oh, buddy,
I'm so sorry.

-Let me get you some ice.
-Damn it!

No, no, don't worry.
I brought magnets.

Is that the way she treats
all head injuries?

Because I've got
a theory.

-- Captions by VITAC --

Captioning Provided by
20th Century Fox Television and ABC, Inc.

and brought to you by Ford.
Going further, so you can.

**

I want to give these old toys
to Haley's babies.

Oh, Joe,
that's so sweet!

Now I have room in the closet
for my lizard.

Lizard? I thought
that you were just

going to the pet shop
to look.

I can't say no
to that face.

You're gonna have to be
bad cop 'til puberty,

you know, when
the Pritchett Adam's apple

and fuzz-stache
show up.

Manny, you should also
give something for the twins.

You both
are gonna be uncles.

That's a very proud tradition
in our family.

That's right, Joe.
Our great-great Uncle Alvaro

was a famous South American
freedom fighter.

You're kidding?
My Great Uncle Erasmus

was a hero
at the Alamo.

We're four sentences away
from realizing

they killed
each other, right?

Joe, next week, you have to go

to school dressed as a hero.

Why don't you dress
as Uncle Alvaro?

Or Uncle Erasmus.

Ay, Jay, that's cute,

but Alvaro was not
only a war hero.

He was
a celebrated matador,

Frida Kahlo's
tango instructor,

two-time winner
of the Bogota Herald

cartoon caption contest.

No disrespect, but I don't
think he was fit to shine

Erasmus J. Pritchett's
boots,

which, incidentally, were made
by a 9-foot Texas diamondback

he stomped to death while
arm-wrestling Davy Crockett.

Did he kill
all his clothes?

He sure did. Come upstairs.
I'll show you.

I got a ring of his
with a tooth in it

he punched
out of a puma.

Jay does this
all the time.

He disrespects our heritage
and inflates his own.

I mean, I'm not buying
this Uncle Erasmus guy at all.

I say we do
a little digging.

Yes! We can be like
Inspector Tortuga,

the turtle detective
in Uncle Alvaro's

popular
children's book.

He was always very slowly
solving crimes.

Turns out Jay's Uncle Erasmus
did live in Texas in the 1830s,

but not much
was written about him.

[ Machine whirring ]

-[ Sighs ]
-[ Groans ]

Gretchen.
Manuel.

Again,
I'm so sorry abou--

You'll have to return these
within two weeks.

Unlike my phone calls!

Señor.

We had to dig deeper,
and since history

is written
by the victors...

Muchas gracias.

I brought my own.

Manny: Mexican sources
had a bit more to say

about his actual involvement
in the Alamo. [ Gasps ]

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Okay.
Oh, really?

You want to give away
the very first Gucci hoodie

I ever bought
our daughter? Okay, "first Gucci"

is why our retirement planner
fired us as clients.

Also, Haley and Dylan
are having twins, okay?

They really need
this stuff. I know.

I-I-I still can't believe
she's pregnant.

Although...
I know you're about to say something catty.

You're practically
purring.

Wasn't Claire a bit "fun"
in her 20s?

You know, we have
a saying back home --

"The crawdad don't skitter
far from its crick."

Okay, you're clutching
a Dolce & Gabbana onesie --

decide who you are.

And, by the way,
it's not like your family

doesn't have a wayward
streak, okay?

Pam's not exactly
responsible.

Oh, I'm sorry. Could
an irresponsible woman

win her prison's "Most Improved
Wrestler" award?

Okay, let's just admit

we have wild women on both
sides of the family.

[ Laughs ] Oh, God.
Maybe it's good

Lily wasn't saddled
with those genes.

She sure wasn't.
If anything,

I'm worried she acts a little
young for her age.

I mean, isn't 11
a little too old

for these unicorns and
teddy bears and --

[ Gasps ] My...
Playgirl?

Oh! Oh, God.

Where --
Where did she get that?

I didn't even know
they still made these.

Although it's heartening print
media isn't completely dead.

Okay, you're
getting off track.

Our daughter is looking
at [whispering] naked men.

I know. We're gonna have
to talk to her about it.

You know, my parents
never talked to me

about anything sexual.
[ Sighs ]

They just sent me
to the stables

when the horses
were breeding,

and wow, did that create some
unreasonable expectations.

No way!
Who told her that?

She -- Uh-oh.

The dads have their faces on.
See you at the sleepover.

Both: Hey!

So, listen, we need to talk
to you about something.

We, uh --
We found a --

a magazine
in your room. Whoa!

[ Groans ]
There's nothing to be embarrassed about.

Oh, God, no, not at all.
You're -- You're going through

a very exciting period
of -- of change

and -- and hormones.
And -- And -- And, um, urges.

Got it.
Solid parenting.

See you tomorrow.
-No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no.
-Sweetheart. Come on.

I-I-I know this is
uncomfortable, but...

You shouldn't be ashamed
about wondering

or being curious
about sex.

You know,
the mingling of bodies

can be a beautiful
expression of love.

Stop! They have classes about
this in school,

and if you don't want me looking
at magazines like that,

don't leave them
on the sofa!

The sofa? How did --

How did it get
on the sofa? I don't know.

I don't --
Ah, the babysitter.

Or, you know, Haley,
or -- or Pam, or Claire.

We were just talking about
how perverted they are.

Wait a minute.
This is from 1997.

And David Duchovny's
on the cover.

Didn't you have a thing
for David Duchovny?

Why -- Wha-- I don't even
know who that is.

He was on the -- you know,
the cheesy sci-fi show,

the, uh -- What was it?
"The X-Files" or something?

You know, kind of
a dumbed-down "Men in Black"?

They had that saying,
you know?

Saying was, "The truth is...
up there"?

You know damn well it's
"The truth is out there"!

Don't --
Don't you crinkle it.

Why do you have
a 20-year-old nudie mag?

Agent Mulder meant
a lot to me, okay?

He was brooding
and handsome

and obsessed with an uptight
yet sexy redhead.

Yeah, well, guess what.
You wouldn't have had a chance

with David Duchovny
because, look.

One of his turn-offs

is "dishonest people."
[ Sighs ]

And why is it just lying
around the house?

I was bringing
the trash bins

into the garage
the other day,

and I noticed an old box
of my stuff.

I got nostalgic, and I decided
to flip through it.

Wait, garbage day?
L-Last Wednesday? Yeah.

The day we opened
the bottle of Merlot,

took it back to the bedroom,

and had a rather spectacular...
session?

-Uh, was it that night?
-Oh, please,

it was the first time in years
I'd seen your eyes

roll back in your head
without irony.

Well, excuse me if I am
attracted to you.

Except it wasn't
just me, was it?

There were three of us
in that bed.

I sent you a dozen roses
the next day.

Apparently, I should've sent six
to David Duchovny.

Oh, come on!

So what?
I got a little extra worked up

after looking
at a sexy picture.

People do it
all the time.

Pepper said it's the only reason
he buys Brawny paper towels.

So, I guess I'm weird for
wanting to purely connect

with you on
an emotional level.

Know what?
I'm going to the gym.

And good news,
David Duchovny.

You're not gonna be alone
on the sofa tonight.

Can you please
hand me my iPod?

You've robbed me
of my dignity.

You will not also rob me
of my glorious exit.

Thank you!

There you go, buddy.

Now you look
like a real hero.

I don't think I'm allowed
to bring a knife to school.

It's not
sharp at all.

And neither,
apparently, are you.

I told you if we waited
a few minutes

he'd give us
a delicious segue.

Your uncle
Erasmus Pritchett

was a hero
at the Alamo...

but for
the other side.

Yeah, he hid in a closet
during the fighting,

then stole a dress
and escaped

by pretending to be
a prostitute.

What?!
I don't believe you.

These are official
church documents.

In this part, it says that
he traded military secrets

for rum
and a new corset.

"To this day, in Nuevo Laredo,
'to Erasmus'

means 'to cry facedown
on the ground.'"

There's a picture
of him cringing.

I can't believe I named
my lizard Erasmus.

It was wartime, Joe!

We can't judge a man who has
lived through that kind of hell.

He spent
his post-war years

spreading the gospel
of vegetarianism.

I have no uncle.

Oh. [ Coughs ]
This homeopathic remedy

is really gonna help Haley
with morning sickness.

Uh-huh.
I got the recipe from a doula

I met in an Uber pool.

Well, you were right
about one thing.

It does --
It does smell like

a buffalo that was
struck by lightning.

When -- When are you heading
back up to Oregon?

Oh, I'm done
with that place.

Oldest story in the world.

You know, I thought I found
a nice guy, then one morning,

he up and tells me
he's found six new women.

Mm.
I'm done with Bhagwans.

Coming back
as Dylan's mother?

Not funny, Mom.

Not funny at all!

Buddy, are you sure
you're okay?

Trust me,
I'm a nurse.

By now there'd be clear signs
if I had a concursion.

[ Whoosh ]
[ Claire coughs ]

Gosh, your mom
looks familiar.

She used to do
a little modeling.

Recently, she had
her likeness stolen

for one of those
"Freeze-the-Fat" billboards.

[ Gasps ]
Dylan's Mom was the hot chick

in the "Sex Kitty" music video.

[ Rock music plays ]
* Sex kitty *

* Sexy kitty *

* Sex kitty *

* Se-- *
[ Music stops ]

The songwriting isn't perfect,

but this video
changed everything.

[ Rock music resumes ]
* Ow! *

* Sex kitty, se-- *

Those bikes don't
live there, do they?

'Cause that is an ideal
north-facing spot

for a birthing tub.

I wasn't aware
that Haley

was considering
a home birth.

Oh, I wasn't, but then Farrah
really opened up my eyes

to the birth-industrial
complex.

You know, this room
is kind of vibrating

with ancient wounds.

Let's sage the area.
-Okay.

Dylan, honey, do you think
you could grab that fan

and maybe de-funk
the kitchen a little?

Oh, my God.

Is, uh -- Is Dylan's mom
at all familiar to you?

Yes! Thank God
you noticed it, too.

I can't believe that
is gonna be in our life on a regular basis.

I know. She's been driving me
kind of crazy

since I was a kid.

Do you know how many nights
I went to bed

screaming her name
into a pillow?

Go on.
[ Inhales deeply ]

[ Glass shatters ]

-She broke it!
-No, you broke it!

Girls, it's fine!
Also, who are you?

Oh, I get my stepdaughters
once a month

when my ex-wife's on rotation
with the National Guard.

Mm.
Girls, be careful with the chinchilla, okay?

You know he has
a nervous bowel.

Hi, girls!
Girls: Gammy!

Gammy?

The girls
call you Gammy?

That's funny,
because I was hoping

when Haley's twins
came along,

they might
call me that.

Oh, well,
that might be confusing.

But maybe you could be
something else. Hm.

How about "Gaga"?
-Maybe we don't have to lock

anything down right now.

Oh, my God.
I love it!

Hey, Gaga!
[ Laughs ]

-Squeaker's loose! Get him!
-Aah!

I'll get him!

Do you see it,
Phil? What?!

No, I didn't
see anything, so...

-Aah!
-Oh!

-Ooh!
-I'm so sorry, D!

If you weren't
my hero,

I'd wonder if you're
doing this on purpose!

Oh, my God, Dad!

What's wrong
with him, Mom?

Mom?
-Claire?

Gaga?

Hey, handsome,
this seat taken?

Hey, what are you
doing here?

Well, I brought you
a smoothie, although,

you don't need it
because you're already

100% fruity
deliciousness.

Maybe I just
get right to it.

Look, Mitchell, I appreciate
what you're doing --

No, no, listen.
[ Clears throat ]

Lily's at
a sleepover tonight,

so I got us a suite

at Whispers Resort
and Spa.

Isn't that the place, uh,
Jen Aniston goes to

after her divorces?
Yes.

And I'm sorry about
the silly Playgirl thing.

I-I want you to feel
what I feel every day.

That you only
have eyes for me.

Call me old-fashioned.
I just don't see other men.

[ Alarm beeping ]

Sweetie, your -- your heart
rate's setting off an alarm.

Why -- Why don't you
get off that bike?

Yeah, that's a good idea.
You know what?

Why don't we go to
the spa, see if we can get an early treatment?

I love that.

Oh, smoothie.

Okay.

Hey, you're --
you're really sweating.

You should get a towel.

Okay, you're
acting weird.

What's going on?
Okay, look, I just --

Um, I'm excited
about that hotel.

I mean, there's a lot of
Hollywood history there.

You know, they say
the Little Rascals

used to have
orgies there.

Ah.
[ Knocks on window ]

Hey, Cam!

I almost forgot the homemade
protein bars you brought for us!

Well, I'll see you
next time!

Yeah!
Who is that?

Wow, that's
an interesting view.

What?
It's a parking lot.

There's a Dumpster.
-Oh, please. Come on.

You picked this bike so you
could have a front-row seat

to this little
peep sho--

Oh!
Oh, my God.

That night of
our "spectacular session,"

you had just
come from the gym.

Well, I-I wonder what got
your engine so revved up, huh?

The truth
is out there! [ Taps window ]

Okay, you know what?

I'm weak, okay?

I can't believe
you shamed me

for looking
at a magazine

when you've been
baking protein bars

for Thunder from Down Under!
-Maybe that's why.

It's because I-I felt
guilty about this.

Well, don't, okay?

We are allowed
to look at other men

without feeling
guilty about it.

And -- And if it inspires you,
then go for it,

because at
the end of the day,

I'm the one who gets
to reap the rewards.

That's true. Okay.
Look, I'm sorry.

Let's just
get out of here.

Oh, now? Okay.

Oh.

Maybe I should
join this gym.

No, stick to
your vintage nudie mags.

This is mine.

-What's his name?
-Chuck.

Oh, Chuck.

Oh, Joe,
so adorable,

you look like
a little Uncle Alvaro!

One last touch --
the pocket watch,

permanently
broken at 3:30

after it stopped a bullet shot
by a very drunk

and jealous
Florence Nightingale.

Jay:
Maybe it was sour grapes,

but this guy was starting
to sound like baloney.

I was sure that if I left
no stone unturned,

eventually, one day,

I'd find some dirt
on Great Uncle Alvaro.

I knew it!

Simón Francisco Alvaro
would go from town to town,

seducing wealthy widows

with made-up stories
of his bravery in battle.

After frittering away their
fortunes on drink and dice,

he would move on, leaving
his victims with nothing

but a single red rose --

and syphilis.

Who's up for
a little history lesson?

It seems --
-Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Do it again.

The yoke
of Spanish oppression

will chafe Colombian
shoulders no longer!

My saber thirsts
for European blood!

So cute!
Bravo!

He looked it up
and memorized it himself.

Hey, Dad.
You know how kids tease me

'cause I'm the shortest kid
in the class?

Oh, don't listen
to what they say!

Right! Uncle Alvaro was
only five feet tall

and he led a whole army!

I'm gonna be brave
like him.

Viva Uncle Alvaro.

Jay: I enjoyed a lot of years
taking pride in my great uncle.

I didn't want
to rob Joe of that.

It wasn't easy biting my tongue,

but I took a page from
another heroic relative --

Lulach McPritchett --

proud Scottish warrior,
captured by the English,

tortured for months
using every method imaginable,

and never once giving up
a single secret.

Don't look him up.

[ Door opens ]

[ Italian accent ]
Signora, why so sad?

Let me see that
big macaroni smile, ah?

How did you
find me?

[ Normal voice ]
Antonio called and said

you'd ordered
a flaming Sambuca... [ Sighs ]

...and just
watched it burn.

Mm-hmm.

It's all just
going too fast.

Five months ago,

Haley got back
together with Dylan.

Then my mom dies.
Then Haley's pregnant.

Then it's twins.

Then, "Come move in with us
this summer" turns into

"Ding-dong, we're here with
an early preview of twins

and an incontinent
chinchilla,

and, in the most terrifying
return since Freddy Krueger

sashayed his way back
onto Elm Street,

my mother reincarnated
into the body of Farrah."

[ Exhales deeply ]
Oh...

How -- How are you
handling this all so well?

Who says I am?

I had to get
out of there,

or I was gonna make
Haley a single mom.

I hit Dylan again,
Claire.

But not on purpose.
Are we sure?

You mean, like, you might
have some buried anger

towards him stealing away
your baby girl?

Oh, I so want it
to be on purpose.

Gets lonely out here
on crazy island.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, well,

we still have Italy.

Do we?

Listen, I've been doing
some research on twins,

and it seems that, like
our daughter, they --

they tend
to come early.

Even if it's
a 1-in-10 chance,

I can't risk having the only
maternal figure present

be that
tub-birthing Wiccan.

I got to be there
for Haley.

It's overwhelming
for sure,

but haven't a ton of
our best memories

come from the anarchy
of our house?

Like when Luke got his head
stuck in the banister?

Which time?
[ Chuckles, snorts ]

Or when -- when Alex's
science fair project

blacked out
the whole neighborhood

during
the Super Bowl? [ Laughs ]

Or when, uh,

Haley snuck in
Luke's window

the same week we bought him
a slingshot? Oh, God.

That was...
Mm.

So, it's
a-a madhouse,

but on the other hand,

we're gonna have a couple
babies in the house,

and they'll be Haley
and Dylan's.

Mm-hmm.
So they'll be doing funny stuff.

So...

looks like we are
going on a trip?

Gretchen.
Manuel.

Look, I really am sorry
about the way things ended --

That chapter is closed.

We have a strictly
business relationship now.

Did you enjoy this book,
or did you find your eyes

drifting toward
a shorter Jewish one?

Okay, Shoshana and I
are over.

It was beyond hurtful
that you found a woman

whose name has
two "shhh" sounds in it.

Clearly,
you're still upset

and there's no hope
for reconciliation, so...

I'll just say goodbye
and hope you'll allow me

to play myself off
with our song.

[ "Sex Kitty" plays ]

* Oh, yeah *

* Ow! *

* Sex kitty *

* Sexy kitty *

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