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1
00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:33,678
So this is where they work the magic
that makes you look 55.
2
00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:38,355
- Just stand still, Al.
- What? What?
3
00:01:38,560 --> 00:01:41,836
I'm trimming your nose hairs.
4
00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:46,113
You know, you have to keep them nice
and even or you'll get split ends.
5
00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:49,068
All right, honey, give me money
and get out of here.
6
00:01:49,280 --> 00:01:51,589
I can't possibly relax
with you around.
7
00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:55,270
Besides, I don't bother you at work.
Don't bother me here.
8
00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:58,239
Oh, that's what you call it now, Peg,
"work"?
9
00:01:58,520 --> 00:02:02,513
Al, my job is to look good
and feel good.
10
00:02:02,720 --> 00:02:05,393
You know how soft I am.
11
00:02:05,600 --> 00:02:08,353
Well, actually, you don't.
12
00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:12,269
But I know how soft I am,
and believe me, I'm a delight.
13
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:15,309
Oh, excuse me here.
I want to prepay.
14
00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:19,832
How much for
the 100,000-mile overhaul?
15
00:02:20,080 --> 00:02:22,992
While you're working on her,
can I get a loaner?
16
00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:27,071
You got anything in the back
that has that new-hooter smell?
17
00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:30,720
Just pay the man
and baboon away to work.
18
00:02:30,920 --> 00:02:34,230
- That'll be $300, sir.
- Three hundred dollars!
19
00:02:34,440 --> 00:02:37,830
She didn't cost that much
when she was new.
20
00:02:38,080 --> 00:02:40,389
I'm gonna see
what people pay $300 for.
21
00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:46,073
Great Caesar's ghost!
22
00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:48,510
And I mean that, literally.
23
00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:54,033
Well, now, this one's a little more
reasonable. A dollar a chin.
24
00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:57,030
You people ought to be ashamed
of yourself.
25
00:02:57,280 --> 00:03:00,750
Who but a woman would spend time
in a place like this?
26
00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:03,238
Hi, Al.
27
00:03:04,840 --> 00:03:08,549
- Hey, how about those Bulls.
- They'll be all right. They got Jordan.
28
00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:12,236
No, no, not them. I'm talking about
those two under the dryers.
29
00:03:16,480 --> 00:03:19,358
- What are you doing here?
- I'm getting the macho package.
30
00:03:19,560 --> 00:03:23,792
You know, the hair, nails and facial.
We call it the Bogie.
31
00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:28,989
I mean, I'm a topless dancer and the
smoke in the bar can wreak havoc...
32
00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:32,112
...with the pH balance of my hair
and my skin.
33
00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:38,077
Oh, once the hair and the skin goes...
Well, I don't have to tell you.
34
00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:41,238
I've seen about enough.
35
00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:43,032
Peg.
36
00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:45,800
I'm going where a man belongs.
37
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:50,471
Crouched on his knees in front
of a fat woman, selling her shoes.
38
00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:55,117
Rolling back the flesh of the ankle,
trying to find the foot.
39
00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:58,869
Who cries for my pH balance,
Argentina?
40
00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:01,509
All right. There you go.
Do what you can with her...
41
00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:05,872
...and what you can't fix
just slap a coat of paint on.
42
00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:16,517
Oh, God, I hope he never finds out
that half this money is legally his.
43
00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:19,951
Of course I should get more.
I mean, I gave everything to him...
44
00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:22,594
...including my virginity.
45
00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:25,671
Hello, girls.
46
00:04:26,520 --> 00:04:28,750
There we go.
47
00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:33,115
When did you start drawing?
48
00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:37,472
Oh, about an hour after
my pulsating showerhead broke.
49
00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:39,477
A woman's gotta have something.
50
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:42,114
Of course, Al has given me
no encouragement.
51
00:04:42,320 --> 00:04:45,073
Not even when I drew him
a picture of his favorite dinner...
52
00:04:45,280 --> 00:04:47,111
...and left it on the table.
53
00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:51,548
He ate it and said,
"Next time, draw it hot."
54
00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:55,878
I swear, these men just think
that our lives are one big ball.
55
00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:57,911
You know, we are so unappreciated.
56
00:04:58,120 --> 00:04:59,997
Now, take Marcie.
She's always complaining:
57
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:02,191
"Why isn't my dinner ready
when I come home?"
58
00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:04,914
Hey, because I'm busy, bitch!
59
00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:12,714
Mr. Jeffy. Mr. Jeffy.
60
00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:15,318
Antoine.
61
00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:17,875
Can you fit me in
for a 3:00 massage today?
62
00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:22,119
Well, I do have a 3:00 appointment,
but let her stew.
63
00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:26,677
Yeah, besides,
most women come after me anyway.
64
00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:30,917
I'm really gonna miss Antoine.
65
00:05:31,120 --> 00:05:33,759
I heard he joined the Marines.
66
00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:39,676
Hi, everyone.
67
00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:42,838
I'm Antoine's 3:00.
Is he ready for me?
68
00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:45,554
I'm sorry, but Antoine
is backed up right now.
69
00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:51,957
So I'm shunted aside for some
damn blond hussy, no doubt.
70
00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:55,630
That damn Antoine.
I have had it with his mood swings.
71
00:05:55,920 --> 00:06:00,038
- I'll tell Antoine you're displeased.
- Oh, no, no, no. Please.
72
00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:05,231
I've already had two warnings.
One more complaint and I'm out.
73
00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:07,351
I'll wait like a good girl.
74
00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:11,070
Hi, Peggy.
75
00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:15,432
God, what's that horrible smell?
76
00:06:15,640 --> 00:06:18,154
I have Al's wallet.
77
00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:23,275
Great. Now I can find out whose face
is on the $100,000 bill.
78
00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:28,114
- So, what's new?
- Well, Bertha just lost 35 pounds...
79
00:06:28,320 --> 00:06:31,471
...on that
eat-nothing-bigger-than-your-head diet.
80
00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:38,350
Peggy, that drawing is great.
81
00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:40,278
It's Al.
82
00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:43,358
Look how she's got
the hunch just right.
83
00:06:43,560 --> 00:06:46,791
And those taters growing out
of his ears.
84
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:51,312
They go so well with the gravy
under his arms.
85
00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:54,791
It is perfect, Peggy.
86
00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:58,390
Look how you made his socks
kill all the flowers.
87
00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:02,194
You know, I just can't get over this.
88
00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:06,439
It's so real, the drawing needs
a shower.
89
00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:08,511
It should be in a magazine.
You know...
90
00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:10,950
...there's a new woman's magazine
just starting...
91
00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:15,119
...that came into my bank for a loan.
I bet I can get them to use this.
92
00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:17,595
What are you gonna call
your new cartoon?
93
00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:21,679
Well, how about
Mr. Can't-Hit-the-Toilet?
94
00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:25,272
That could be any man.
Be more specific.
95
00:07:25,520 --> 00:07:27,875
How about:
Mr. Al-Can't-Hit-the-Toilet?
96
00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:30,989
Eat your cone, Bertha.
97
00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:33,716
Does it need a title?
98
00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:37,629
I mean, just looking at him is enough
to make you laugh.
99
00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:50,438
You know, Peg, you have the look of a
woman who just swallowed a canary.
100
00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:53,313
Bertha, you have the look of a woman
who swallowed a cow...
101
00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:55,351
...who swallowed a canary.
102
00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:59,030
And, Marcie...
103
00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:01,791
...you look like a chicken.
104
00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:07,997
Enough charm.
What happened to my wallet?
105
00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:10,270
- You took it, didn't you?
- Of course I did.
106
00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:14,439
Who else but your wife would go
near the back of your pants?
107
00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:16,352
I thought we had an agreement.
108
00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:18,596
Every since I got deported
to Mexico...
109
00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:21,917
...you promised to at least leave me
with a picture ID.
110
00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:24,391
- Did something happen, Al?
- Well, I...
111
00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:27,797
I don't wanna ruin it for you.
It'll be on TV tonight.
112
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:31,959
It seems that the TV show Cops
was filming in Chicago.
113
00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:34,720
They have that new
oversized graphite nightstick...
114
00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:37,309
...you know, with the bigger
sweet spot?
115
00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:40,034
They've been waiting
to try it on anybody bold enough...
116
00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:43,516
...to stop in the middle of the street
and cry, "My wallet's missing."
117
00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:46,354
I'm on right after Todd Bridges.
Nice kid, by the way.
118
00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:50,358
So, Peg, if it's not
too much trouble...
119
00:08:50,560 --> 00:08:52,869
...don't ever leave me
with empty pants again.
120
00:08:54,920 --> 00:08:56,148
That's it.
121
00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:58,635
Al just named my cartoon.
122
00:08:58,840 --> 00:09:01,957
Mr. Empty-Pants.
123
00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:07,713
Hi, Peggy.
124
00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:10,718
Here's the latest edition of
Modern Gal Weekly.
125
00:09:10,920 --> 00:09:12,876
Mr. Empty-Pants is a smash.
126
00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:16,277
- I hope you don't run out of material.
- Oh, not a chance.
127
00:09:16,480 --> 00:09:19,313
The only thing that separates Al
from an actual cartoon...
128
00:09:19,520 --> 00:09:20,999
...is that he has a thumb.
129
00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:26,511
Oh, wonder how he feels
being portrayed as Mr. Empty-Pants.
130
00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:31,279
Gee, you think
I should have told him?
131
00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:34,313
Oh, what for. Al will never find out.
132
00:09:34,520 --> 00:09:37,956
He wouldn't read a magazine
that has "woman" in the title.
133
00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:41,596
Unless, of course, the O had
a little nipple in the center.
134
00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:47,468
Oh, great. Women are talking.
135
00:09:47,680 --> 00:09:50,240
I guess you folks are wonderingwhy I don't leave.
136
00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:53,677
Well, my head is stuckand I can't get out.
137
00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:06,952
Peg, everywhere I go, people
are pointing at me and laughing.
138
00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:11,357
That can't be a recent thing.
139
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:12,999
Let me finish.
140
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:16,351
Now they're call me
Mr. Empty-Pants.
141
00:10:16,560 --> 00:10:21,076
Is that some kind of new, hip,
rap term, you know, for "full pants"?
142
00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:24,716
You know, sort of like how bad
means good, and this means that.
143
00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:28,355
That's all, folks.
144
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:30,149
Hey.
145
00:10:30,360 --> 00:10:32,794
Hey. What you doing, Peg?
146
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:39,913
Look at that guy
standing in dog doody.
147
00:10:40,120 --> 00:10:41,712
Bird's doinking doody on his head...
148
00:10:41,920 --> 00:10:45,674
...and then the others birds on them
branches coming out of his nose.
149
00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:50,235
Boy, life really kicked the hell
out of him, huh? What a loser.
150
00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:52,916
Who is he?
151
00:10:53,680 --> 00:10:56,194
Hey, now, wait a minute.
152
00:10:56,400 --> 00:11:00,279
Those sweat stains, that beaten look,
that dumb expression...
153
00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:02,277
...that's Bud.
154
00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:06,117
Peg. That's great.
155
00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:09,073
Does the boy know you're
making fun of him? I won't tell him.
156
00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:11,874
- It's just our little secret.
- It's you, Al.
157
00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:16,232
Me?
158
00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:18,670
That ain't funny.
159
00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:21,955
I don't wanna be Mr. Empty-Pants.
160
00:11:22,160 --> 00:11:23,639
Peg, you've ruined me.
161
00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:25,512
Al, you're a shoe salesman.
162
00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:28,473
How can you ruin a shoe salesman?
163
00:11:28,760 --> 00:11:31,320
It's like dropping dirt on dirt.
164
00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:34,557
Besides, it's just a little local
woman's magazine.
165
00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:37,672
So a few people recognize you
on the street and laugh.
166
00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:40,519
If Martha Raye and Joe Piscopo
can live with it...
167
00:11:40,720 --> 00:11:43,029
...then so can you.
168
00:11:43,240 --> 00:11:48,758
Besides, most people don't even know
it's you. Just relax and watch TV.
169
00:11:49,880 --> 00:11:52,155
And on the local scene,a comic-strip character...
170
00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:54,999
...called Mr. Empty-Pants,that started out...
171
00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:58,829
...in a small area publication,is catching on nationwide.
172
00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:01,714
It's about a hapless loserwho just can't get it done.
173
00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:07,433
News Team 56 has found out thatMr. Empty-Pants is, in fact...
174
00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:11,269
...a local shoe salesmanby the name of Al Bundy.
175
00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:18,071
- Are you happy now?
- Not yet.
176
00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:22,034
The cartoon was drawn bya local woman, Peggy Bundy.
177
00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:24,470
Now I'm happy!
178
00:12:33,560 --> 00:12:35,630
Look, there's Mr. Empty-Pants!
179
00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:38,555
Hey, Empty, my man.
180
00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:49,073
Al, can't you handle the fame?
181
00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:52,431
I mean, they still call
Carroll O'Connor "Archie."
182
00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:54,870
They still call that Winky guy
"the Fonz."
183
00:12:55,080 --> 00:12:58,755
And, you know, they still call
the fat girls on The Facts of Life...
184
00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:01,599
..."the fat girls on The Facts of Life."
185
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:03,194
Oh, come on, honey.
186
00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:07,154
How could you not get some joy out
of a busload of Japanese tourists...
187
00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:12,388
...taking pictures and screaming out,
"Me rike Empty Pants"?
188
00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:18,629
Well, they found out my pants weren't
so empty when I mooned them.
189
00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:27,872
That ought to pay them back
for Pearl Harbor.
190
00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:36,193
Daddy, I'm glad you're home.
191
00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:40,073
You're sad because people
are laughing at you, aren't you?
192
00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:42,396
Yes.
193
00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:44,477
Well, that and...
194
00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:49,356
...because I married your mother.
195
00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:51,955
Well, I think that it's the name
that's hurting you.
196
00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:56,756
You're embarrassed because people
are calling you Mr. Dirty-Pants.
197
00:13:57,040 --> 00:13:58,712
No, it's Empty Pants.
198
00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:03,110
That would mean a total absence
of genitalia.
199
00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:07,476
Anyway, I just think that you're taking
the totally wrong attitude on this.
200
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,477
I mean, you're like the pessimist...
201
00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:13,559
...who looks at his pants
and thinks they're half-empty.
202
00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:17,111
You should be more
like the optometrist...
203
00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:21,359
...who looks at his pants
and thinks they're half-full.
204
00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:24,759
Get her out of here, Peg. Right now.
205
00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:28,476
Honey, why don't you go downtown
to the Hall of Records...
206
00:14:28,680 --> 00:14:30,955
...and find out what our address is.
207
00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:34,197
Okey-dokey.
208
00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:36,595
I'm tired of going down there.
209
00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:40,395
This time, I'm gonna write it next to
the numbers on the front of the house.
210
00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:45,431
Anyway, Daddy, if it helps any,
when I'm feeling down...
211
00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:48,791
...I just think of this little poem,
and it always cheers me up.
212
00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:53,714
Once upon a midnight drearyAs I wandered, weak and weary
213
00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:57,117
Quoth the raven "Demi Moore."
214
00:14:59,360 --> 00:15:01,191
Edgar Bergen Poe.
215
00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:11,398
"Miss Empty-Head" didn't cross
your mind, did it?
216
00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:12,874
Can't you be happy?
217
00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:15,071
For years, you've been
absolutely nothing.
218
00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:17,840
And now, you're the man behind
the woman.
219
00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:21,312
I always stand behind you, Peg.
It's cooler in the summer.
220
00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:25,753
Well, Al, I have a bit of news
that just might cheer you up.
221
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:27,638
What? Spotted owls swooped down...
222
00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:30,195
...and pecked the eyes out
of some environmentalists?
223
00:15:30,440 --> 00:15:31,634
No.
224
00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:35,037
I have decided it is time
for Mr. Empty-Pants...
225
00:15:35,240 --> 00:15:36,912
...to finally break his silence.
226
00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:40,556
Now, it has to be something special.
Short but memorable.
227
00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:42,318
A signature if you will.
228
00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:43,714
So come on, honey...
229
00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:47,196
...be like Homer Simpson and "d'oh."
230
00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:51,994
I'm not a cartoon.
I'm almost a human being, damn it.
231
00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:54,677
I want you to stop writing
Mr. Empty-Pants.
232
00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:57,957
As a matter of fact,
I'm putting my foot down.
233
00:15:58,160 --> 00:16:00,435
From this minute on, I'm no longer
Mr. Empty-Pants.
234
00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:04,195
I am not... Not Mr. Empty-Pants.
235
00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:08,873
Hello?
236
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:12,274
Yes, I am Mr. Empty-Pants.
237
00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:16,517
I'll see you there.
238
00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:18,239
Well, who was that on the phone?
239
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:21,233
That's Playgirl magazine, Peg.
240
00:16:23,880 --> 00:16:27,236
They're gonna put Mr. Empty-Pants
in the centerfold. That's me, Peg.
241
00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:30,193
They're saying
I'm the sex symbol of the '90s.
242
00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:36,033
Did I miss the news?
243
00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:39,152
Did every other man on earth die?
244
00:16:39,360 --> 00:16:40,509
Where are you going?
245
00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:43,797
Well, the shoot's next week.
I figured I'd shower now. Why wait?
246
00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:14,632
Ladies...
247
00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:16,991
...allow me to introduce myself.
248
00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:21,552
I'm Loren Michaels, producer of
Mr. Empty-Pants, the movie.
249
00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:24,878
Now, we're casting
a very important part.
250
00:17:25,080 --> 00:17:26,832
Buttocks.
251
00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:33,515
You all qualify.
252
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:37,349
Now, rehearsals start
in the broom closet in five minutes.
253
00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:41,269
Hey, wait a second. Just a minute ago
you were the body-makeup guy.
254
00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:43,668
Hey, babe.
255
00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:45,598
I'm going places.
256
00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:49,952
Hopefully, this place, this place
and that place.
257
00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:54,553
Make way for Mr. Empty-Pants.
258
00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:12,834
He is empty.
259
00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:17,393
Okay. E.P., these are the girls who'll
be doing the centerfold with you.
260
00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:21,429
After the shoot, I'm going to shake
every one of your hooters.
261
00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:27,237
The bigger the star,
the nicer the guy.
262
00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:33,237
Well, Empty, look. Before we put you
on the bearskin rug with the ladies...
263
00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:37,877
...we'd like a few shots, you know,
so we can capture the inner emptiness.
264
00:18:38,080 --> 00:18:40,355
Meantime I think we need
some powder on the girls.
265
00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:42,039
Makeup!
266
00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:46,830
Those breasts are shiny.
267
00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:48,678
Take off those tops.
268
00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:52,714
And don't worry about me
getting excited. I'm gay.
269
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:55,309
All right, all right.
The boy's had enough fun.
270
00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:56,794
Now let's go. Let's go.
271
00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:59,036
I gotta get loose. Play my music.
272
00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:00,639
Helps me shake my money-maker.
273
00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:24,319
Okay, let's do the shot on the rug.
274
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:42,475
Okay. Hold it. Hold it.
275
00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:44,836
Wrap the shoot. We...
276
00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:46,632
We have to find another centerfold.
277
00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:50,196
Mr. Empty-Pants has been killed
in the latest strip.
278
00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:58,159
Okay, girls, let's take a break.
279
00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:01,998
No. No, don't take my breasts away.
280
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:04,395
- Girls, let's go.
- No. No.
281
00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:08,069
Excuse me, ladies.
282
00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:11,710
Bud Bundy here,
Department of Makeup Safety.
283
00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:13,751
If left on, that stuff can kill.
284
00:20:15,120 --> 00:20:18,590
Yes, it must be licked off immediately.
285
00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:22,190
Believe me, I'll receive no pleasure
from this, other than a job well done.
286
00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:25,278
Now, quickly, de-top and meet me
on the mattresses in the alley.
287
00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:29,029
And hurry. Hurry! Your chests are
ticking time bombs.
288
00:20:37,080 --> 00:20:38,672
Can't believe it.
289
00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:41,348
Just this close to being happy.
290
00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:44,672
Who could have done this to me?
291
00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:46,194
Hi, honey.
292
00:20:48,120 --> 00:20:49,633
Peg, why did you do it?
293
00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:53,317
I had to. I was jealous.
294
00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:55,397
I wasn't getting
any attention anymore.
295
00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:57,636
Suddenly everybody
was just talking to you...
296
00:20:57,840 --> 00:20:59,558
...and nobody cared about me.
297
00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:03,469
I couldn't handle your happiness.
So I killed you.
298
00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:05,557
You're not mad, are you?
299
00:21:05,760 --> 00:21:08,672
I mean, if it's any consolation
you always have me.
300
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:12,669
Peg, if it's any consolation to you,
it's no consolation to me.
301
00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:14,074
How'd you kill me, Peg?
302
00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:18,389
You were crushed by a meteorite
shaped like a lady's shoe.
303
00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:26,596
- Did I suffer?
- Sure.
304
00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:27,994
What do you say, Al?
305
00:21:28,200 --> 00:21:31,033
How about a portrait of
Mr. and Mrs. Empty-Pants?
306
00:21:31,280 --> 00:21:33,635
Why not? It'll probably be
the last picture of us...
307
00:21:33,840 --> 00:21:35,353
...with your head still on.
308
00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:53,117
You know, Peg, I'm not surprised.
I knew I was gonna lose.
309
00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:55,311
But I'll tell you
who the big losers are:
310
00:21:55,520 --> 00:21:57,078
The women of America.
311
00:21:57,280 --> 00:21:59,475
Because they could have had me
in the centerfold.
312
00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:02,240
Now they're gonna settle for
some cheap imitation.
313
00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:05,955
I mean, who are they going to get
that's as big a loser as me?
25451
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