Original subtitles

Subtitles by demonseye

Riggs, you sure we're on the right street?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

- We must be getting warm. - Warm, warm, warm...

- See anything? - Where? I don't see anything, man.

Well, this must be the place, huh?

Holy shit! What the...?

What the hell is that?

Jesus.

Who's this joker?

I don't know. A spokesman for the NRA.

Regular asshole. What do we do now?

Run him over.

Huh? What if he turns around and shoots us with that assault rifle?

Well, he hasn't yet. Thought about that? Maybe he won't.

Yeah, but what if he does?

Don't be a "Don't-Be". Be a "Do-Be". Come on, Rog, what... be positive.

- Uh, positive? - Yeah.

- Le-let's-let's-let's run him over. - Good. I'm glad you see things my way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hope he doesn't turn around.

He won't turn around, okay? We'll creep up on 'im nice and slow so he won't notice.

Yeah. Okay.

- Will him not to turn. - Will 'im?!

Power of positive thinking.

Don't turn around. Come on, will him with me, Rog.

- Will him? Will... - Don't turn around.

- Don't... I need you, man. Don't turn around. - Don't turn around.

- Just believe. - Don't turn around!

We're better than him.

We're better!

He's turning.

I was wrong, I was wrong. Get down, get down.

They just bounce right off 'im!

I... I saw it. We're in trouble, man!

Shit. I'll draw his fire. You run for cover.

Hey, no, no, no, no, no. I-I'll draw his fire. You run for cover.

What, are you out of your mind? You got a wife, kids. I got a lot less to lose!

- Hey, hey. Hey, Riggs! - Get going, Rog. Get out of here!

Riggs, I wasn't supposed to tell you this, but Lorna's pregnant.

You're gonna be a father. - Now, get going. Get...

What'd you say?

You're gonna be a father! Riggs...

Uh, she's afraid to tell you. She's afraid you'd get angry.

You guys never talked about children?

Shit. - A baby.

Uh, there is something I'm not supposed to tell you too.

What?

Rianne's pregnant. You're gonna be a grandfather.

Rianne's what?

But Rianne can't be pregnant.

She's not married.

Well, I... I don't think she intended to get that way.

They... they asking me to be a granddaddy?

Mm-hmm-hmm. Yeah.

Son of a...

Here's what we're gonna do. Take your clothes off.

- What the hell for? - What for?

- Yeah. - Okay, you run.

Flame-O here turns, sees you in your undies.

It distracts him, I know it distracts him and that's when I shoot.

- Shoot what? - The valve on that napalm tank!

Yeah, I... You gonna do that stuff before he shoots me?

- Oh, I will, maybe. - What-what? Maybe?

Hey, is he black?

Too much armor on. I can't tell!

No! Not him! The father of the baby!

- Okay. - Please let him be black!

Get going! Here he comes!

Are those little hearts?

Not now, Riggs. Just hit the damn valve!

Okay. Also, flap your arms and make noises like a bird.

Flap my arms? Why?

It'll distract him more.

I need him to turn. - All right, all right, all right, all right.

- On two! - We always go on three.

No time for three. Go. Two!

- What about one? - All right. One, two, get going!

I don't wanna die in my underwear, Riggs!

Hey! Hey, Riggs! What are you waiting for? Shoot the bastard!

Shoot him, shoot him!

Incoming!

Whew.

Hey, Riggs, you think that bird thing helped? You think it helped?

No, no, I just... I just wanted to see if you'd do it.

Cute shorts.

Go spit, Riggs!

Come on, I'll buy you a doughnut.

Hey, hey. Hey, hey, don't put your arms around me when I�m naked.

Well, surely you're not ashamed of your butt.

He's a lively one.

Hey, that shark damages my new boat, I�m takin' it out on you, Leo.

- Hey, I didn't mean to catch it. - What do you want to keep it for?

Yeah, why you wanna keep a shark anyway?

What, are you kiddin'? The teeth'll look great on a wall.

- Okay, well, they gotta stop snapping first. - Maybe he'll fall asleep.

Hey, let's go down, engage him in conversation. He should nod off.

- Hey, he don't look tired to me. - Oh, maybe chewing on Leo

will wear him out. Make 'im sleepy.

Hey, you think sharks eat their own kind?

Oh, stop it. You guys got me in stitches.

Okay, okay, where's my bag?

Starboard side aft.

Starboard, that's, uh, left, right?

No, port's left. Starboard's right.

- Yeah, right. - Yeah, right.

Right, yeah. Right side aft. Okay.

Whatever. I got it. - Check both sides. You're gonna find it.

Careful! He's behind you, shark!

Maybe we should throw him overboard. What do you think?

Ah, throw 'em both overboard. Boy!

There's no witnesses out here tonight. We could probably get away with it.

You too? - Yeah.

You know, I kept my nose out of it, but...

you and Lorna....

You're having a baby... you're living together...

You're not getting married.

Why, that, uh, violate your family values system or something?

No, I'm just tryin' to understand.

Well, Rianne's not married either, you know.

Okay, okay. That's hitting below the belt now, Riggs.

Yeah, you know, when I was married, I...

it was good. You know.

Put the ring on. You make the commitment.

Do all the....

She's dead cause I'm a cop.

She's dead cause I'm a cop and I....

I-I... I don't wear the ring anymore...

but, you know, I look down, it's still there.

I still feel it.

And, uh, I don't know, it's like I'm not... finished with that yet.

I... I-I don't know how to explain that. That sound like a bunch of bullshit to you?

No, no. It's not finished.

It's not finished. Yeah. - Yeah.

Okay. You did say "aft"?

A-F-T. Aft!

And that's a fucking word?

In the back of the cabin on the right side, Leo!

Why didn't you just say that to begin with, Roger?!

I love these people get around boats and water,

all of a sudden everything becomes fucking nautical!

"Astern! Avast, you landlubbers!

Man the bilge pump!"

Pump your fucking ass!

All right, all right, Leo, all right, all right, all right.

Okay, okay, okay.

No problem, no problem! Okay. Okay.

So, so, what does Lorna say about this?

Oh, she doesn't like nautical terms either.

- Huh? - We haven't... we haven't discussed it.

And that's pretty messed up.

Hey, the baby's due in a few days

and you guys haven't even talked about getting married?

Yeah. No.

I haven't done it at all.

Well, do we want Leo to shoot the shark?

Do we want Leo to shoot the shark....? Hey, hey, hey! No, Leo! hey, no, Leo!

What? Hey, hey!

- What's the big deal? - Hey, you're shooting a gun on my boat!

I'm not shooting your boat, I'm shooting Jaws here.

Nobody's killing it. Now, I�m not letting a good animal die

just so you can have its teeth, Leo.

Sure getting grumpy since you found out you're gonna be a grandpa.

Get off of me, will you?

Riggs! Hey, Riggs! Don't fool around!

This is some piece of hardware. You got a permit for this?

- I�m a P.I. now. Course I do. - A P-what?

P.I., you gumshoe! You know, you get in ugly situations. I got guns, everything.

You are an ugly situation.

Ah, well, permit or no permit, you don't deserve to have this. You're not safe.

Hey!

Hey, smart move, Riggs.

Shit!

Hard right, Rog.

- They're gonna hit us. - You hear shots? Did you?

Coast Guard, this is Code 7.

We're in L.A. Harbor. Over.

- We gotta go. - Code 7.

Come on, Rog.

They're getting away!

Who was it? Do we know?

No, no, no, I'll drive, I'll drive!

- Want me to help? - Get out of here!

Hey, this your gun?

Yeah, you want some laser surgery?

Hey, hey! You watch those lasers! You could blind somebody, Riggs!

Coast Guard, this is Code 7, in pursuit of freighter.

Heading north.

Awaiting instructions. Over.

Code 7, this is U.S. Coast Guard. Maintain your present course.

- We have a cutter en route. - Why you slowing down?

We-we-we just hang right here. Coast Guard'll be here soon.

What do we do now?

Show-show them our badges. Show our badges.

LAPD! LAPD! LAP...

Los Angeles Police Department!

We heard gunfire! The Coast Guard's on the...

Coast Guard! Coast Guard! Freighter's on fire!

- Let's board 'em. Let's board 'em! - What are you talking about, "let's board 'em"?

Coast Guard, fire on the freighter!

Okay, okay, okay, I�m upside. Now what do you do now?

- They're getting away in a life boat. - Okay, okay!

Okay, okay.

Oh, hell of a fishing trip!

Shut up and keep your head down!

LAPD! LAPD!

Stop where you are! You! Hold it right there!

He's got it! He's got it!

- What'd he say? - He said... he said watch his back.

Why didn't you tell me you were gonna shoot?

Ah, shut up!

- Yes, tie it up! - All right!

What?

Pull it up! Pull it up! Pull it!

That was great, wasn't it?

I told you to keep the boat closer!

What are you listening to Leo for?

Oh, shit!

You all right, Riggs?

Wow. Look at that.

Oh, shit.

Jump! Jump!

Where are you?

My boat! My new boat!

- Hey, hey, Rog. - What?

- The shark. - Wha-what about the shark?

The shark!

Don't leave me! Don't leave me! I'll find 'er!

Now, come on, Leo!

Okay.

- Hurry up! - I'm coming!

You can make it, Leo.

This is all I got left.

And since I met Riggs, I've had my house destroyed...

my car wrecked and now my boat sunk.

What's left?

I think that's about it.

Four sets of papers, totally genuine.

They'll get in the country and they'll be able to stay forever.

U.S. citizens.

Ask them to vote the incumbent party next election.

Help me keep my job with the State Department.

Bloody marvellous!

Well, they've red-flagged all the Asian visas lately. Those weren't so easy to slip through.

Something wrong?

A small delivery problem, Mr. Broody.

Goodbye.

Leave!

Coast Guard interdicts about one of these a month.

Pretty raggedy-looking.

Six weeks locked in a hole with one toilet.

Rice and a little fish to eat. Lousy deal for 35 grand a head.

Thirty-five grand? Where'd they come up with that kind of money?

Didn't. Gotta work it off... from the snakeheads, uh, the smugglers.

They sell 'em as cheap labor. - Sell 'em?

Like slaves.

I guess these must be the lucky ones, huh?

Eh, they'll claim asylum. Say they were persecuted, like everybody else.

And we'll send them packing. Cost you and me a goddamn fortune.

What happened to "Bring me your tired, your poor,

your wretched masses, yearning to be free", huh?

Now it reads "No vacancies".

I guess your parents were native Americans.

They pop one every boatload.

Shows the rest what'll happen if they run off or don't pay.

At least he's nobody's slave now.

Come on. Don't cuddle 'em, move 'em!

Uh, and we're on the boat and I see this barrel coming down, you know?

And, uh, and sgt. Murtaugh didn't see it, so I push him out of the way.

Big guy, heavy. Have to se 'im. I knock him over. And we're in the water.

And I'm pulling him cause he doesn't swim good. See, I gotta save him, the big guy.

Hey, there's that, uh, kid. What's his name? Bissel?

- It's a food. - Burger!

No, no, no, Biscuits or something.

He's always kissing my ass, always giving me coffee and shit.

Hey, sergeant Riggs, sergeant Murtaugh. What are you guys doing here?

- Hell, that's a long story. - Hey, man, you're all wet.

You-you need a blanket or somethin'? - No, I'm fine. I'm fine.

Hey, somebody get this man a blanket right now!

- Blanket. Yes, sir! - All right.

I want you to get the body out of here.

Hey! Hold up, hold up! What we got here? What we got here?

Step back, back, step back, step back.

Ah, shit.

He's dead, man. He's fucking dead, man!

Shit! - What?

Yeah, this is how he wanted to come to America, right?

What, was he in the killing section?

This guy's been shot four times! - Well, yeah.

At close range... like he was executed!

- He was executed. - Yeah, by the crew.

What the fuck, man? We got people get killed left, right and center in this town!

Now we're importing victims?

Hey, gangbangers wanna kill each other, no problem.

You and me, one of us gets shot, hey, occupational hazard.

But just a normal guy, this fucking guy? What the fuck did he ever do to anybody?

That ain't right. - All right, easy, Biscuits.

Yeah, you'll get an ulcer like this, kid.

- Yeah. - You gotta settle down here.

Blanket!

- Oh, oh, sorry, Blanket. - Here's your blanket.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I�m losing my head.

I just hate to see bad things happen to good folks, that's all.

Well, we'd like to stick around and shoot the breeze with you here,

But-Butler, but, uh, we... you-you look like you're in charge here, so...

You should really take this, it's free. You're all wet.

Get some of that vapor rub. Rub it on your chest.

All-all-all right, Buggers.

- Sir, over here! - Hey, get them out of here!

Get them out of here!

Yeah, yeah. He takes the job kind of personally.

Personally? Yeah, he's pretty serious, I'd say. Uh, overzealous.

Emotionally... - You mean jealous of who?

- I don't know. Who's he jealous of? - You just said he was jealous.

- I didn't. - Oh, you just said...

Oh, no, I said... No, I said he was, uh, zealous. Full of zeal, you know?

- He's loud too. - What?

- He's loud! - What?

- Loud! - Oh.

Yeah, we better get up before the sun goes up.

I got something in the lifeboat here.

Oh, that's okay, I'll see you tomorrow. I'll catch a squad ride up to that...

Hey, uh, Rog... Uh... I'm sorry about your boat.

Riggs....

- I'm sorry. - Shit.

Hey, and then, all of a sudden, this big fucking shark comes.

You get it? I can say that, can I?

Well, you-you can say it, but we can't air it.

Okay. So this big darn shark comes along, okay?

Shit. My Code 7.

- Hey! - Well...

Hey.

- You were coming home last night. - I know, I�m sorry, honey.

I... had some bad Chinese.

- You look a little banged up. - Oh. You look a little knocked up.

- Are you okay? - Yeah.

- You sure? - Yeah.

Whoa. Easy, tiger! There he goes again.

- She. There she goes again. - Well, now...

You okay, hon?

I-I'm good. I'm better than Roger, anyway. His boat sank.

- No! - Yeah. Oh, yeah.

- Boat sank? - Yeah, I had a little something to do with it.

No, no, no, no, no! No grease! Oh, no grease...

- Have some cookies. - What happened?

What happened?

Gunfights, explosions, sharks. The usual.

Here, boy.

Oh. Thanks.

You know, you were out fishing, Riggs. I mean... does trouble just go looking for you?

Well, it seems to know pretty much where I am most of the time.

Hey, you finished the nursery. - I... Yeah, I did.

I-I figured it was good for a girl or a boy. It's cute, huh?

It's a dogfest. What, did you get the whole 101 ?

I know. I got a little carried away with puppies.

Kid'll probably hate dogs.

You know, uh, Lorna, we never... ever talked about marriage.

Well, I sort of figured you didn't want that.

You wanna get married?

- Well, no. I've... No. - Me neither.

You want some breakfast?

Uh... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Serve and Protect.

Hey, since when you been readin' this smut?

- It's not smut, it's Ebony Clark. - Ebony Clark.

Trish gave it to me.

"Every fiber in his being desired her.

He devoured her with his eyes."

Hey. Can we try this thing on page 196 sometime?

Whew.

There's a good one on 168. Maybe later.

Nothing comes between a pregnant lady and a meal.

Have I ever, ugh, "made your womanhood reach peaks

that would rival the highest Himalayas"?

- Foothills of Malibu, maybe. - But not even a... Teton?

- Nah, I don't think so. - Ah, gee, thanks.

I thought I'd at least rate the Rockies here.

- Well, you know I�m kiddin'. - Yeah?

Oh, you're just saying that to make me feel better.

No, I'm not.

You know I'm playing.

I've been to plenty of mountaintops with you, Riggs.

It's just that I'm hungry.

Well, when you have that kid, we'll blow up Mount Saint Helens.

- I brought you a doughnut. - A doughnut. Police food.

How did you know?

I dropped by Internal Affairs yesterday, say "hi".

Really? How's things with the rat squad?

- I picked something up, good one. - What, some cheese?

Oh, yeah. I.A. got an anonymous tip.

The person said Roger's on the take.

No, no, he's not.

I know he's not. It's probably some jerk he put away, but...

With the new boats all the time and putting two kids through college,

I just thought you ought to know.

That's a good question. I mean... I actually tried to persuade him to take money.

Oh! Stop it, Riggs! I can't hear that! Nothing!

I'm not saying anything about that anymore. I'm kidding, okay?

- That's awful. - I�m kiddin'.

Don't tell him I said that because he's got enough problems,

he'll blow his top, it'll be awful. Just don't say anything.

What do you mean?

Like what?

- You know, in general, problems. - No, you don't, you mean something specific.

I got a nose for these things. Come on, tell me. What?

No, you know, I don't want... You know what?

You're pushing me now and I really don't... want you to go there.

Get it off your chest. You'll feel better. Tell me all about it.

Oh, ho, Riggs, you know what?

You know I'm not gonna leave you alone till you tell me.

- Son of a bitch. - Tell me.

I'll tell you what it is! It's pregnancy destroyed my brain cells! I can't be... lieve I said that!

What? What?

I'm drooling. What? - Oh, Riggs!

Okay. Promise me, swear to me that you will never say a word about this ever.

- I swear, I swear. - Right hand!

I swear... I swear I won't, I won't ever.

I promise. What?

Okay. You know how Roger is about his daughter goin' out with cops.

Yeah, he'd kill 'em. So?

Yeah, well, so, Rianne's married to one, he's father of her baby.

She's too afraid to tell Roger.

They met last year, they fell in love.

She got pregnant, they got hitched. That's the story.

And nobody's telling Roger about this?

After the baby's born, Riggs.

What, you mean it's a package deal? Here it is, take it or leave it?

Yeah.

- Does Trish know about this? - Yeah, she knows.

Well, uh...

She doesn't know you know. But Trish knows.

Who's the lucky soon-to-be-dead son-in-law?

Riggs.

- Who? - Sergeant Lee Butters.

Oh. Oh. This just gets better and better! Biscuits?

I mean, no wonder he's been sucking up to Rog.

He brings him apples, blankets, coffee....

Okay, okay. Not a word, Riggs. I'm telling you, nothing.

Are you kidding? I'm not gonna tell him anything.

I mean, he'd shoot me just for being the messenger.

I mean, he's my best friend. It'd be wrong to mess with 'im.

I promise. I won't mess with 'im.

Promise.

I don't think we have to discuss boys' names, period, because we're having a girl.

Okay. Piadora.

- Pia... I like Pia-Piadora. That's sweet. - Yeah?

- Can't live with that. Screw with that name - Ah, I love that name.

Hey!

Hey, Rog. We're talking kids' names. Has Rianne picked any names out yet?

I mean, you know, weed all the help we can get.

You know, we don't wanna double up.

Yeah. Oscar for the boy, Loreen if it's a girl.

I like Lee Butter... Better! Better, better. I like it better.

- Don't get me started. - I like those names.

Hey, captain wants to see us downtown. Let's go!

Uh, Trish'll be right down. Have fun shopping for the baby.

- Bye- bye, honey. - Yeah.

Hey, uh, who, uh, who had the sleepover?

Uh, we're just airing out the camping gear.

We're outta here. - Wow. Something smells good in here.

- Really good! - Yeah.

Trish has food on the stove. We're outta here.

That smells like Chinese food, doesn't it, honey?

Chinese food?

Chinese... Oh, yeah, she's into Chinese cooking.

I gotta see this. Can I taste?

- I love Chinese food. - Hold it! Please, please, Lorna.

Please. - What?

There's... there's a Chinese person in the kitchen.

- I saw him. - Uh, yeah.

A-a couple of Chinese people.

There's actually a whole family.

Large family.

- Hey, oh! - Oh, hey, guys! What's up?

Hey.

Hello. - Yeah.

It does smell good in here. - It's great.

- Great. - It's great.

- Yeah. They were hiding in the lifeboat. - Oh, they were?

You know, with what the INS guy said, I had to do something there.

I know you had to do something, so you... brought them home.

It took two-two trips, yeah.

- Really? - Two trips? They fit in the station wagon?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tha-that's Ping over there with his grandfather, Hong.

He's head of the family. Speaks pretty good English, eh?

Hey, Hong, this is my partner, Martin Riggs, and this is Lorna.

- Wife? - No.

Rog, can I speak to you for a minute?

Lorna, this is the best breakfast.

Oh, yeah, I'm hungry. I-I-I would love some.

Are you out of your mind? This is illegal.

- I know, I know. - As in "against the law".

Do you have any idea the shitstorm you're gonna bring down on yourself?

Just hold on, Riggs! Just wait a frigging minute!

The way I see it, those are slave ships out there.

And I�m freeing slaves, I'm freeing slaves...

Like no one did for my ancestors. Okay?

Riggs, this is my chance to do somethin' and do it right.

Why didn't you say so? I mean, this is not gonna be boring. Uh...

Need any help?

Okay.

Where is he?

Hey, daddy.

What is it this time, food or money?

- Food and money. - More money than food.

I see more you two now than I did when you lived here.

We're independent now.

Okay, okay with the money. Okay. What are you gonna spend it for?

- Uh, hookers, drugs... - Contraceptives...

Can you believe they talk to their father like this?

- It's better than their parole officer. - Well, it costs more to go to school now.

Me first, me first.

I get the tuition bills. And the grades too.

Okay. Consider this a downpayment on a future ass-chewing, okay?

Now, get out of here and go to school. I wanna see some grades.

I wanna see some grades. I see the tuition.

I wanna see some grades! Okay? I want more cluck for my buck.

Okay, thanks you for the money.

- Oh, boy. - I'm tired.

Me, I... I can't win.

Boy!

Say, we get a raise and... nobody told me about it?

I gotta get to the bank, man.

Well, how do you suppose to get there when you're being taken to the cleaners all the time?

Yeah.

Hey, guys.

- Hey, Trish. - Hey, babe.

- Those the kids leaving? - Yes. And we're broke.

Is Lorna here?

Oh, yeah. She's in the kitchen, she's probably on third breakfast by now.

I remember those days.

- Oh, Martin, I'm sorry. - Now, I love it when you do that.

You look terrific. - Thank you.

Wait till she starts trying to raise that baby by herself.

- Daddy, I'll be fine. - Yeah.

Move back in and old grandpa Rog will be up all night takin' care o' the baby.

Well, that's better than her marrying the wrong guy.

Well, you know, a cop or something.

True.

- Come on, guys. See you. - Bye.

- I-I should, uh, say goodbye. - Hey, Lorna.

Hurry up.

Oh, yeah. Stuffing your face.

Stop kissing me. Try that.

Hey, you, you stay away from my girl.

I'm not joking. You stay away from my girl.

- Joking. - Bye! Got the baby beeper?

Yeah.

- I know. - It's your fault.

It's-it's your fault. All the chicken shit.

Flapping all over the place.

All right, everybody!

It's been a year almost already, okay? This shit ain't funny no more!

All right? Enough is enough! - Please! All right? Okay? Enough.

I mean, I'm the one that gets it in the neck.

Can we exercise a little maturity around here?

If I find out who's doin' this, I'll kick his ass.

What asshole is doing this?

Hey, Riggs, I catch that asshole put my picture up there, that's it!

That's it.

- Cut their balls off. - Captain.

Hey, captain.

I still look out expecting to see all the old faces.

Instead, I see a bunch of kids whose names I barely remember.

We're dinos... Will you sit down? We're dinosaurs headed for extinction.

Speak for yourself here.

We're making way for the new improved police force:

guys with guns and psychology degrees, like Butters out there.

- Biter has a psychology degree? - More like a psycho degree.

Hell, I got nothing against it. Times have gotta change.

Hey, I once got shot by a hot-rodder with a zip gun.

That's how far back I go.

Captain, you wanted to see us about something?

Some things don't change.

Here we go.

The department has lost its insurance carrier.

All the damage you've done, they can't get a new one...

while you two guys are still running around on the streets.

They can't fire you either.

So... they're promoting you.

- Heh. - Eh.

- Lieutenant. - There's no open lieutenant spots.

So the chief is using his special privilege, he's making you captains.

- Better. - Captain.

Time was when this sort of thing would send me

right over the fucking falls, I swear to God. I'm getting old.

So, what the hell we do now?

I don't know, captain shit.

I mean, hang out by the coffee machine. - Take long lunches.

Yell things like "Riggs, Murtaugh, I'm the captain."

- "Chief's shitting bricks, man." - You finished? You finished?

Think you can stay off the streets and out of trouble? Somethin' simple?

Uh, yeah, absolutely.

- Captain Riggs. - Captain Murtaugh.

- All right, hey. - Hey, this is...

Hey.

You want your badges? Let me see those sergeant badges. Give me those.

Throw them over here. Let me have yours - Never liked it.

- Here. - Give me those.

This is one of the most painful fucking experiences of my life.

Now get out of here. - Thank you, captain.

- Thank you, captain. - Thank you, captain.

- Captain, after you. - After you, captain.

Enough with the "captain" shit. Get out of here.

After you, captain, I insist! "O Captain! My Captain!"

- Captains outrageous! - Ooh, news travels fast.

You get a break from real police work. Play golf, some tennis....

They got brown rings

Around their noses

Now that you guys are captains, won't you come up in the chopper for a ride.

- Hey, hey, not for me. - I'll take a rain check.

- If you change your mind, call us. - He's down-to-earth kinda guy.

Ah.

I'm sorry.

Look, can we knock this shit off, please? This is your captain speaking.

Can we knock it off, please? Okay? - Jesus.

The man's got feelings, you know?

Hey, congratulations. Look at you.

Captain Murtaugh.

I-I don't really know how to say this, but... you really inspire me.

Keep it up.

How's it going, Burton?

- It's, uh, Butters, captain. - Oh, yeah. I'll remember that.

Kid really likes you, huh? - I wish he'd cut that shit out.

He likes me? - Yeah.

- Likes me? - What?

No. You... you-you don't think he... likes me, likes me, likes me...

likes me... like that? - Oh.

You know, this is not the military, it's the police force.

I mean, the millennium's creeping up on us. Share it, you know?

You know what the captain said: "New people, new... new department".

- Uh, dr. Woods? - Yes.

- Dr. Woods. - Oh. Captain Riggs.

- No, don't run. I-I... - You know, I'm-I'm-I'm in a rush.

I-I need to talk to you about...

Do you? Ah. Wait, wait. What is it this time?

Uh, recurring dreams about... flying dwarfs?

Or have you managed to cook up something entirely new?

Okay, I'm sorry about all that.

I wanted your advice, uh... I was thinking of, uh...

- Thinking? - Marriage.

Marriage? The "M" word?

Wait, I mean, does "confidentiality" mean anything to you?

That-that's funny.

You know what would happen? We'd go into my office...

and you know what you'd end up telling me? - What?

You'd tell me something like "Doc...

I wanna marry, uh, Murtaugh."

Or-or-or your mother maybe. Or-or how about Nelson Mandela?

Nelson Mandela?

You know, something to ridicule me, Riggs.

Something to get a rise out of me.

Listen carefully. I'm... not... stupid.

And my time is reserved

for police officers with real needs and real problems.

Have you got that?

Have you? - Can you run it by me again?

No. And you know what?

I don't like you.

- Stephanie? - Steph...

I can't go out with you. I'm in a relationship. I'm very happy.

All right? I think you need to see someone. Look.

You'll find someone someday who'll care for you and love you and...

Not in this department. But you gotta stop bothering me!

You're disgusting!

What's the matter with you people?

Hey, hey. What's shaking?

- Hey, captain Riggs. - Captain Murtaugh.

You're supposed to turn around and do that. We're captains.

Heard you were up to your ass in Chinese last night.

All the taller ones came up to the navel.

Most of them came round to your knees.

They were short, but big enough to kick your ass. What can I do for you, guys?

Well, one of the, uh, ship's crew shot one of the illegals last night,

apparently under orders, and we'd dearly like to know

we'll kick in for some junk food, who's smuggling Chinese these days.

Oh, we got no hard evidence, but, uh,

we're pretty sure the big boss behind it's Benny Chan.

Uncle Benny?

- Hey, you know 'im? - Yeah.

Yeah, we had dealings with 'im back when he was running smack.

- We never nailed him either. - No, hell no.

Hey, Benny's slippery.

Where's he hanging out these days?

He's got a nightclub, uh, couple restaurants.

He operates mainly out on North Broadway. Here's the address.

- Hi, fellas. - Riggs.

Hey, there he is. Hey, Burger! Uh, Summers. Uh...

Butters.

What you got on that freighter homicide thing?

I'm all over it. Now, I talked to some of the illegals.

Turns out they only knew the shooter by sight.

Checked out the boat.

Turns out that the boat's registered under some dummy corporation out of Indonesia.

It's gonna be a rough one to crack, but we'll nail them.

Yeah. Hey, you ever hear of anyone called Benny Chan?

Benny Chan? No. What kind of bad man is he?

Real bad. Big crime boss in Chinatown.

If it's dirty... and it's Chinese, Benny's doing it.

- So, where do I find 'im? - At his restaurant.

You know, I'm kinda hungry for Chinese, Rog. How about you?

Hey, you know, since we're going there anyway, we'll drive you.

Chinese? Just let me get my jacket.

- Riggs, not with him. - Hey, the kid's doin' a good job.

- Come on. - Hey, we might need backup.

Spend time with 'im. You might learn to... love 'im.

Like a son.

- A son? - In law...

enforcement it pays to know your fellow officer.

He might have to back you up one day.

Sir, let me just say, it's gonna be an honor to share some egg rolls with you.

- Uh, yeah, all right. Let's go. - Let's go.

Share?

Butters, it, uh, seems like you hate crime in a sort of personal way.

If you don't mind me saying so. - Why do you say that, sir?

It's just last night I noticed you were... oh, let's say, more than slightly miffed.

Ain't he, Roger? - Yeah, yeah.

- Any particular reason? - About 150,000 of 'em.

That's how many bullets were zinging around my neighbourhood growing up.

Couldn't go outside. Couldn't go near a window.

Lived on the floor, ate on the floor, slept on the floor, watched TV on the floor.

See, I didn't learn how to walk till I was 10 years old.

Spent most of my formative years nose-to-nose with the family beagle.

You know, when I work on a crime, I ain't thinkin' about the crime.

I'm just thinkin' about that goddamn floor, and it pisses me off.

Hey.

We supposed to be meetin' Leo somewhere? - No, why?

Because he's following us. Don't look too hard.

- Uh, who's Leo? - Maybe it's a coincidence.

- What does he want? - I don't know. Let's, uh, let's, uh, find out.

Yeah.

- Fucking asshole! - Bite me! Bite me, okay?

Whatever! Whatever! Jerk!

You looking for us, Leo?

- You saw me, huh? - Yeah, we saw you.

What you doin', Leo?

Eh, you know, I've been perfecting my tailing technique

now that I'm a P.I. and all.

Ah, he's a private eyesore. Nice inconspicuous vehicle. I like it.

Hey, uh, hey, Riggs, who's the, uh, perp?

What'd you bust 'im for? - What, I'm a perp?

Oh, you see a young brother in the back of a police car, automatically I'm a perp?

Look at my suit! Look at my tie! What, do I look like the fucking Crips' accountant?

Look at this badge, bitch.

Check out the gun. - Okay, okay, hey, hey.

Okay, put the gun down. Put the gun down.

License. Registration. Urine sample.

Hey, I got a badge too, okay?

Hey! German Jews didn't have it any easier when we were kids.

So, don't think you're the only one, okay? Okay?

A-and, besides, I knew you were a cop.

I was kidding with you. Hey, I can smell a cop a mile away.

Oh, I smell bad? What-what you trying to say?

Stop turning everything around you! You're so damn touchy.

These guys'll tell you. We worked together, we got a history together.

A-and don't... Maybe we'll work together someday!

I'm the bomb! They'll tell you. I'm great, you know?

Yeah, yeah, we're gonna work together soon as I open up a cereal shop,

you fuckin' leprechaun!

Hey, I didn't call you any names, you fuckface! Don't start that!

Okay? Don't fool around!

These guys'll tell you everything. - Excuse me, sir, you're double-parked.

Oh, listen, officer, I, uh... I'm just talking with the detectives.

- Hey, we don't know this guy. - Yeah.

Think he might've been drinkin'.

He-hey. They're just kiddin'. Hey, hey, come back!

I wa... I wasn't drinking. They just said that.

- Blow your breath in my hand. - Why do I gotta blow in your hand?

I can smell it already.

Well, blow in my fucking ear!

- Okay, okay, okay. Whatever. - You're all mine. You're mine!

Where's Uncle Benny?

- He's not... he's not here. - Is he in there?

No.

- Yes, I'm sure he is. - Please, this way.

Yes, it's... it's a two-way.

We have three people.

The restaurant's over there. So, go this way, please.

They see us, but we can't see them.

- Where's your green card? - That's a racist remark.

I'm a policeman who asked you about your green card!

What racist remark? Get out of here.

You're the boss till we get up in his ass.

Ah, it'll be fine. Hey, they've refurbished.

- I couldn't stop them. - Hey, fellas. Hey, how you doin'?

- Out, out! - Can I get some drink or... just food?

Hey, uncle Benny! How you doin'? I hope this is a bad time.

- Hey, Rog, he still hasn't clipped his eyebrows. - Hey, what'd we tell you about that?

We hate not disturbing you, uncle Benny. - This is detective Buckles.

Whatever he says.

Yeah. So, sell any heroin? Buy any cops? Kill anyone lately? How's the front, uh, restaurant?

Have something to eat. Give you the police discount.

- Flied lice? - Flied lice?

It is fried rice, you plick!

I'm very busy. What is it this time?

Tell him, Buttkiss.

Know anything about a boatload of illegals that went aground last night?

Just what I saw on the news.

Some snakehead lost big money.

Four hundred people at 35 grand. Fourteen million, uncle Benny.

And missed out on making slaves out of them, too.

You are cops. I thought smuggling Chinese was an INS problem.

We found three bodies full of holes, so now it's a cop problem.

Three dead Chinese?

Billion more where they came from. - That's right, uncle Benny, life is cheap.

Well, the problem is he shot at me and Rog too and that pisses us off.

Too bad they missed. But still I don't know anything about it.

Hey. Who's he?

Hey. He doesn't look too happy. What's his name?

Who is he? Who's this guy? Is he just appraising your furniture or what?

He doesn't speak English.

Oh, yeah? Well, then he doesn't understand words like "scumbag"...

"eat shit"?

Oh, I think he understands good.

Oh.

- Riggs. - Enter the drag queen.

The insurance, remember?

- Yeah? - Yeah.

I'm busy. If you have nothing on me, get out.

Just know that we're still around, Benny.

- I'm on your ass too. - Yeah.

But the door is this way!

This is quicker. This is quicker, really.

See? It's quicker!

Don't forget my 10 percent policeman's discount.

In Hong Kong, you'd be dead.

- No, not that! No, Riggs, don't! - No, no, no, no! No!

The insurance.... Ah, what the hell?

Come on! Hurry up! Hurry up!

You gotta try it sometime. Give it a whirl. Not only is it satisfying, but it's therapeutic.

I mean, saves the cost of shrinks. - Bad guys can't call the cops.

- Why not? We're already here! - El Ni�o.

Hey, I know this guy.

That's... that's the captain. Hold... hold it!

Hey, Riggs! Remember, no damage!

Hold it!

Shit!

I'm LAPD. I'm commandeering your bike. Ah, shit. Here, here, here. 200 dollars.

Hey, hey, hey, Riggs! Hey, Riggs, I'm comin'!

Charlie, somebody stole your bike!

Stop!

Police!

Out of the way! Police!

Butler, Butler! Right! Chase the fast one!

What, do you have Alzheimer's?

Stop! Freeze!

Stop! Stop in Chinese, motherfucker! Halt!

Out of the way! Police! Hey, Riggs!

Riggs! He's gettin' away!

Excuse me. Out of the way.

Get down, get down! LAPD!

Stop, you little shit!

Get down! Get the fuck down!

My arm! I didn't do anything!

I got you covered down here, Riggs!

You got the right to remain silent. So shut the fuck up. Okay?

You got the right to an attorney. If you can't afford an attorney,

we'll provide you with the dumbest fucking lawyer on earth.

If you get Johnnie Cochran, I'll kill you!

Hey, Riggs, don't jump! You're gonna be a father!

Don't jump!

Oh, shit. Hey, ho-hold on!

Hold on, hold on! I got you!

- Hey, hey, hey, Riggs! Hey, don't move! - Oh, okay. I won't move.

Hold on! Here. I got you!

What're you gonna do? Catch me?

Oh, no, I'm not gonna catch you. Wait, wait. I-I-I... I got a dumpster here.

Why you runnin'? You didn't do nothing, why you runnin'?

Hey, Butters!

Get over here! - Oh, shit!

- Hurry up! - Come on, come on!

Hey, hold on, Riggs!

Hey! A little bit more to the left!

Move this out right there. Now, now.

No, the other left!

Make up your mind!

- Couldn't you find something smaller? - It-it's the only one I could find!

Hey, I got it here. Now, you jump on "three".

- Okay. Ready? - Ass first! It breaks the fall!

Ready. One...

... two, three. - ... two, three, son of a bitch.

- Hey, Riggs, you all right? - Yeah. I should've had 'im, should've had 'im.

You damn right, you should've. Shit.

Hey. Who's your partner?

You, old son of a bitch. Who's that guy? - I don't have a partner.

- The guy you were running with. - What's his name?

I'm a waiter at the restaurant.

And then you guys pull a gun, try to kill me?

And you physically abuse me. I want my lawyer.

You ain't no waiter. If you're a waiter, w-what's today's special?

- Yeah. - What's today?

- Wednesday. - Yeah, Wednesday.

Uh, chicken and sweet-sour pork, barbecue sparerib, with special...

Aw, shut up!

Next time, don't start to run! Stay still!

Johnnie Cochran!

Hey, he fight for me!

... rebellion early against his domineering father.

Finally, Mao left home to continue his schooling.

- S-sorry, sergeant Murtaugh. - No, no, no. Sit, please.

Hey, and it's Roger.

- It's your chair. - No, sit down. Really, it's fine. Sit.

Want somethin' to drink? Tequila?

Thank you so much.

From Mexico.

This can't be the first time you had tequila, Hong.

- Yes. - No.

- Bread. - Huh?

Bread.

Toast. Toast.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, toast. - T-toast. Bread, bread.

Bread. Hey, bread.

- Hey, you-you know anybody here? - My uncle.

He pay... so we can come to America.

- You been in contact with 'im? - No. I leave message.

Hm. What's your uncle do?

In China, he's artist.

- An artist? - Yeah.

Gotta be real tough leaving home, huh?

In America...

my children have chance to make good life.

- We want the best for our children. - Yeah.

Yeah. And our grandchildren.

You believe I'm a grandfather?

That's right, you're a grandfather. Ping, little Ping.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yes. - You're a grand-grandpa.

Where's the time go? - Oh. Don't know.

Have no watch.

- You have no watch? - Yeah.

Ah, here.

This is my pop's. Here. Take it.

He got it when he retired from the force. Here.

No, no, no, no, no. No, I cannot.

No, no, no, no, no, no. I want you to have it. You know?

It belonged to a good man. It ought to belong to another good man.

Thank you so much... Roger.

Riggs. Shit!

No, no, Riggs.

Hold 'im, hold 'im.

Yeah, yeah, you push him off. Push 'im off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. That's good.

Get him down, you got it?

Wha-wha-what's wrong? What's wrong?

It's the shoulder. It's the shoulder.

It's an old shoulder injury. I'll have to toss in the towel.

- No problem. Sorry, man. You okay? - It happens periodically.

- You okay? - Yeah.

Oh, I was just getting going too. Hey, you're lucky, kid.

Hey, hey, you're lucky he didn't kill you.

Yeah, yeah, you know, you owe me a rematch!

- Hey, anytime you want. All right? Anytime. - I might even train for it.

Better bring your own paramedic too.

- Hey, I'll get ice for that shoulder. - No, shoulder's okay, Rog.

No, nothing wrong with my shoulder.

I was fakin' it, Rog. - Fakin' it?

Yeah. Gomez was killing me out there. I, uh, I didn't have anything left.

- I told you that kid was good, eh? - Uh, he's good, but it's... it's not all him.

I mean, I've been feelin' it lately, Rog. Uh, you know the other...

It's, like, the other night on the ship when that guy nailed me right there.

And, uh, yesterday I couldn't catch him.

Other stuff too. You know, I just thought, you know, I'm out of shape or somethin'.

You know. But... it's more than that.

It's-it's... it's like, uh, it's like... I hate to say this, but...

You're getting too old for this shit.

Yeah.

How about that? Finally.

No, but I can't be. I mean, I�m only....

Jesus. - Yeah, you're only.

Can't beat the clock, Riggs. - Wow.

Murphy's right. I mean, we're dinosaurs. What'll I do?

Accept it.

Like I do.

- No. Bullshit. - Yeah.

Bullshit. No, I'm not gonna accept it.

No, I'm gonna will it not to happen.

- Will it? - Yeah.

- Will it? - I�m not too old for this shit.

I'm not too old for this shit. You will it not. We're not too old for this shit.

We're not too old for this shit. We're not too old for...

Say it like you believe it.

We're not too old for this shit. - Yeah.

We're not too old for this shit.

I�m not gonna buy a haemorrhoid cushion.

We're not too old for this shit.

- I'm not gonna get corns! - Yeah, I get... I got corns! All right?

I'm not wearing a suit!

Hey, hey, hey, what's wrong with wearing a suit? What's wrong with a suit?

Hey. How's it goin', captain?

Hey, thanks a lot, you guys. Very funny.

You know, that cop had me there for an hour and tried to strip-search me.

- Hey, you get his phone number? - Ha, ha. Very funny.

- Sugar-glazed with jelly. Thanks, Leo. - Thanks a lot.

Hey, what the hell happened to you? The scratches.

Dog.

- A dog? - Dog cut you like that?

Hey, catch you drinking out of his bowl?

Very funny. I'm working on an important P.I. case.

Did the dog hire you?

No. The dog didn't hire me. The people that lost the dog hired me.

Well, sounds like a real big case.

Hey, it is a big case, Mr. Big Shot, for all you know. I-it's a very expensive dog.

Bolshoi. - Borzoi.

Whatever, whatever.

And you found it, uh?

Well, sort of. Okay, okay. Listen to what happens.

Instead of going all around town looking for a dog,

spending all kinds of money, I went to the pound.

I get the dog, take the dog home, I dye the dog. It looks exactly like their dog.

Dog was a real rat, though.

Scratched me a lot like this. But I got the job done.

- Some kind of P.I. business you got there, Leo. - Yeah, Douche Ventura, pet infective.

- Yeah, it's grand theft. - What's grand theft?

- With trickering device. - Yeah.

- It's a felony. - It is?

- Yeah. - Yeah, you guys are always kiddin'.

Whatever. I get it, I get it. Here comes that touchy kid. I'm not here, I'm not here.

- Captain Riggs, captain Murtaugh. - What you got, Putter?

- The guy you chased in Chinatown? - Yeah?

The gun he dropped matched slugs on the bodies on the boat. That's your shooter.

Son of a bitch that got away from me.

No, didn't get too far. They found him on a rooftop nearby.

Strangled. And get this. Pigeons ate his eyeballs.

Cool.

Excuse me. Hello? Hello?

Shit! I hate these fucking phones, man. You get a call, they cut you off.

You make a call, they cut you off. What's the point? I never...

Don't you know what they're doin', kid? Hey, that's... they fuck you with cell phones.

That's what it is. They're fucking you with the cell phone.

They love when you get cut off. You know why?

Huh? You know why? Cause when you call back,

which they know you're gonna do,

they charge you for that fucking first minute again at that high rate.

If you're lucky enough to be able to call back,

because the 3-hour battery you got only lasts for 20 fucking minutes.

And-and... What if you're behind a fucking hill, and it's going:

Or you go through a damn tunnel or some shit, man.

And they keep making it smaller.

You know why they make them this small? So you can lose it.

Why? So you have to buy more phones. I never lost my mother's phone.

Take you two hours to make a damn long-distance call.

Da-da-da-da, four. Da-da-da-da, five. Da-da-da-da...

Oh. I messed up. Hang up. Gotta do it again. Da-da-da-da, four. Da-da-da-da, five.

I never lost my Sports Illustrated swimsuit phone.

And how about the fucking scanners? These idiots, they get your phone number

and then they make calls all over the world!

Oh, somebody took my number and they called Afghanistan. Afghanistan!

I don't know nobody in Afgha... I don't know what fucking Afghanistan look like.

And even if I did, I would not talk to their Afghan ass for 3 hours!

I won't talk to my daddy for 3 hours.

They fuck you, they fuck you, they fuck you with the cell phones.

Hey, you know what happens when you go to a drive-through? They get you...

Hold on, hold on. - Why am I talking... ?

Hold on. Leo Getz, private investigator.

- Private investigator? - Yeah.

Yeah, Mr. Getz, I was wondering if you would be willing to investigate my privates.

- Investigate what? - My privates, you stupid shit.

Shut the fuck up.

Oh, very funny, Riggs. You're costing me a lot of money here.

- Yeah, at least three bucks. - ... to answer a fucking call.

They're fucking me with the cell phone, now you're fucking me!

You're pretty tough when you're on the phone, aren't you, little fella?

That's right. Telephone tough guy. Why am I talking to you on the phone?

Get the fuck out of here. Go home!

What happened to your face?

"No" means no!

Eh-eh, eh-eh... Hey, this kid's gonna like me, I can tell.

He'd be the first one.

Okay. Okay, okay. Okay. Whatever. Whatever.

Like you know... You know? You know, we should hire Leo.

Hire Leo?

Yeah. Hire 'im. He can follow uncle Benny around.

- But uncle Benny'll see him. - Yeah, yeah, that's the idea.

He'll drive him nuts. - Uncle Benny'll shoot 'im.

Hey. Hey. Let's hire 'im.

I smell like stale coffee.

And why-why do you care if I wanna go home and change my shirt?

Well, it's just a coffee stain is not something that'd bother me.

Oh, look at the way you dress, huh?

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, just cause I don't get around in those nifty suits like you....

Well, not many cops do.

Hey, what's that supposed to mean?

Ahem. Well, I...I've been wondering, where's the money coming from?

Where do you think it's comin' from?

Where do you think it's comin' from? Where do you thin it's comin' from?

- Look, I don't know. It's none of my damn business. - Okay, you-you don't know. Okay?

- Okay. - Okay?

Okay? Trish gave me some money.

It's none of my damn business.

Well, Trish Money gave me some money from my aunt... from my aunt Anne, who died.

Okay? - All right. All right. Sorry.

Whose car is that?

I don't know.

It looks like a full house for Lamaze class.

You know who belongs to that car here? - Here you go, captains.

No charge for the ride, guys.

Rianne's here and Lorna's here.

I'll put it on your account, captain.

All right, then.

Hey, honey. Hey, Lorna.

What the hell's goin' on here? I just came home to change my shirt...

What the hell are you doing here? - They took the Hongs.

Shit.

Drop it.

Girls, get outta here!

Yeah. Look who we got here.

Uncle Benny's friend. - Hey, Bruce.

Nice pyjamas.

What did you do with the Hongs?

Drop your guns.

Drop 'em! - Okay, take it easy.

You're not gonna stand for that, are you, honey?

Son of a bitch!

Let the women go.

Don't panic.

I can't breathe!

Riggs!

Trish!

I'm tryin' to get my...

Son of a bitch!

Trish!

Riggs!

- I�ll be damned. Thanks, kid. - Ping.

Ping. Get Ping.

Ping, cut us loose!

Cut me loose, Ping!

Go ahead, cut me. Cut me.

Okay, let's go. Let's go.

Yeah, come on, come on.

It's all right. It's all right.

- You okay, honey? - Yeah.

I owe you one, kid.

Rianne, where's the keys... Rianne, the keys to your car? Where's the....

Oh, they're in the car.

- I got a car. - We need a radio.

- We have to go, baby, okay? - All right, let's go.

How we gonna find them? We gotta catch them assholes.

3- William-56, this is Air 12. Go ahead.

Hey, we need your eyes, guys.

We're looking for a black-bordeaux Mercedes and a black Lincoln Continental.

Vicinity of Ladera at the 210 freeway. - Heh, heh.

Black Mercedes and black Continental, eh?

Well, that shouldn't be too hard to find in this town.

Look, just-just give it a shot, will you, guys?

- You be cooperative. - That's a roger.

Well, will wonders never cease?

We got two black Mercedes, one heading eastbound, one heading westbound.

Eastbound one just got on the Valley View ramp.

We'll take that one. Try locating the Continental.

That's a roger.

- How do we know we're chasing the right one? - I don't know.

But we're going east and China's east.

- China's west too. - We can't divide.

Okay. Think positive!

- You crossed two lanes, Riggs! - You see him?

Watch the road!

I'd give my right arm for a siren right now.

Why'd they take the Hongs anyway?

Hell, I don't know. Maybe they're shaking them down for more money.

You know what smugglers are like.

Hong said his uncle paid already. He-he-he got in touch with his uncle.

He left him a message. That's how they know where I live.

Shit. - That's exactly how.

Get out of the way! Get out of the way!

Go, go, go!

Hey, there-there-there's the son of a bitch right there!

Yeah, that's them.

Bastards left us to burn. I wanna have a chat with them.

How you gonna do that? You don't have any guns!

Yeah? Well, get me right up behind this trailer.

- But you're driving. - No, you're driving.

- Shit. - There's cruise control.

All you gotta do is steer!

Riggs, why you always making shit complicated?

Fuck, closer. Don't be shy, Rog. Get it up there, right behind!

Closer! Closer!

That's it!

Thanks.

Here, asshole. Come on in.

I need to ask you something. Where's the Hongs?

Riggs!

Damn, Riggs.

Where's the Hongs? Where are they?

Come on, Riggs, get him!

Riggs! Watch out, Riggs!

Highway Patrol, this is William-356, heading southbound on highway.

Officer in trouble. Oversized trailer.

LAPD! Pull over! LAPD!

LAPD! Pull over!

Pull over! You see that?!

Right! Fuck you!

Breaker, breaker. Aybody else there?

I got a crazy asshole with a phony badge tryin' to pull me over.

Son of a bitch, get away from my boy.

Son of a bitch!

Hey, Riggs, come on in. I got you.

Hold on, Riggs!

Get in here! Come on, get in here!

Come on. Get the fuck in here. Shit.

- Ready? - Yeah.

- Welcome back. - Oh, what a drag!

Thanks, Rog. - Hey, what'd he say about the Hongs?

We'll have to find out from the other guy. Go get 'im!

- Pull over! Pull over, you son of a bitch! - Pull over!

Keep your hands inside, then.

- Oh, shit! - Whoa!

Out of the way!

Wait! There he is!

Keep goin'! Keep goin'! - I'm goin'!

Don't let it, we're gaining on 'im!

I got him!

Son of a bitch!

You okay?

Yeah, I think my heart's still beating.

Maybe a little too close.

You are now entering an international holding area.

Please have proper documentation ready.

- Sorry, Rog, about your loss. - Thank you, man. Thank you. Thank you.

Hey, how's my hero, huh?

Well, he's a little bit sad, talking about his mom and dad.

Hey, here's Butters.

- How's it going, Riggs? - Hi.

What the hell you doing here?

I heard everything on the radio. I'm really sorry about your house.

Uh, this-this is, uh, detective, uh....

- Butters. - Butters, yeah.

That's Trish, my wife. - Hello, Trish.

Uh, Nick... Carrie...

uh, Rianne.

- Everybody okay? - Yeah.

So, you get a make on the guys that did this?

Oh, it was uncle Benny.

- Leo. - Leo.

- Leo. - Hey, hold on to him.

Hey, you got a phone? - Little Fonzie guy?

Yeah. Yeah. That's him.

- You be okay, baby? - Yeah, we'll be all right.

- You take care of your mama. - Yeah, yeah.

Call me.

Leo? Yeah.

He's there? Oh, you stay there, okay? That's beautiful.

We'll be right there. We'll be right there.

Hey, Butters, can you drive us? - Yeah, let's do it.

Hey, Rog, Leo's got him at the dentist. Let's go.

- What? - There. Sit down.

Oh.

Captain Murtaugh...

Now, I-I-I know this is a bad time,

but... I think there's something you need to know about me.

Now, this is hard for me... - Well, well, I think maybe I know what it is.

- You do? - Yeah. A-and it's okay.

It is?

People have the right to do whatever makes them happy.

Just don't expect me to like it too.

I know this must be real hard for you.

I-it's impossible for me.

Now, I was just hoping maybe we could get together on the holidays,

say Christmas, we all come...

Wh-wh-wh-why, you know, should we get together and see each other on Christmas?

- You know, I was just tryin' to reach out. - Well, reach somewhere else.

Do what you wanna do, but you just leave me out of it. Got it?

- I got it. - I don't wanna hear no more about it, okay?

Not a word.

Eh-eh, what-what you grinning about?

And start thinkin' about how we can get in the office and talk to Benny.

Okay, I got it all worked out.

- What's the matter with you, sir? - Oh, the mat... My ass hurts.

My ass hurts.

My tooth! What is this, a dentist or do I have to see a proctologist?

- Just please be quiet. - I'm tryin'! I'm in pain!

Why don't you go see your own dentist?

I, my... Dah, dah... My dentist is in Detroit or I would go!

Oh, brother.

Oh, brother? You're right. You go get the dentist!

Doctor, excuse me. I'm sorry to bother you. We have an emergency.

A man has just walked in from off the street.

He's in a lot of pain. You better come with me. Thank you.

Okay, you can come in now! Aah!

- You sure Leo can pull this off? - Leo's got a B.S. in B.S.

Coast is clear.

Talk to the hand, okay? Just one second.

Come on.

- Okay, okay. Wait a minute. Okay. Okay. - Okay, let's do it. Let me do my job!

You hurt me, I'm gonna stick an egg roll right up your ass and dug it out.

What is this?

Don't be alarmed, uncle Benny. This is only a drill.

Shut it. Don't say a word.

Shut up.

Now, where are the Hongs? Now, open wide and tell me.

Hongs? I don't know any Hongs.

Yeah, you-you know 'em. Their uncle paid you big to get them out of China.

More about smuggling, huh? We went through that before.

Well, we're going through it again.

- Come on. - I have nothing to say to you.

Yeah, these look very interesting, don't they?

You're not gonna use it.

You won't shoot me.

You are lousy cops. - No, we're good cops.

This will settle him down.

Breathe, uncle Benny. Breathe.

Crank up the nitrous.

Crank that baby up.

Ow! You said it's not gonna hurt!

I'm holding this. Go ahead.

- Deep. Right down to your toes. - Attaboy.

Benny?

- Aw, man. He's wasted. - Have some more.

- Yeah. - He'll talk.

Ah, good boy, breathe.

Uncle Benny, uncle Benny, uncle Benny.

- That's me. - That's you. That's you.

Now, where's the Hongs?

- What's renminbi mean? - Renminbi means...

renminbi.

- You're a funny guy. - This guy's wasting our time.

- Time! - Time.

- Time for Four Fathers! - Four Fathers.

Uh, Washington, Jefferson? Those guys?

Roosevelt?

I'm sleeping with my wife's two sisters.

You lucky son of a bitch!

That's a good one, uncle Benny.

Not so good when my wife finds out.

I don't need needles! I don't need needles! Aah!

Let's shoot his legs with novocain

and watch him try to get out of here.

What you got in your hands there?

A nut cup.

I got some big nuts.

That's nitrous...

oxide.

Laughing gas.

We're stoned!

Murtaugh! Hurry up!

That's one funny son-in-law you got there, Rog.

After tonight it be too late.

Too late... too late for what?

Hey, Riggs. Why'd you call 'im my son-in-law?

Who, uncle Benny? He's far too old.

Buy Four Fathers back at Four Fathers' store.

Why's he talking about his ancestors?

I don't know.

Hey, Riggs. Why you call him my son-in-law?

Because I am.

I thought he was.... I thought he was...

No, I'm...

Bloody marvellous!

Your baby is having my baby.

My baby is having his baby.

And your baby? Whoa, baby!

Whoa, baby! My baby!

What's going on? What are you doing here?

I couldn't stall anymore.

What happened? What happened? What happened?

Rog, look at this. That hurt? That hurt?

Hey... Uncle Benny, anything happens to the Hongs...

we're gonna come back and rip you a new one.

- A new one. That's two for Benny. - Bloody marvellous. Bloody marvellous.

- Hey, hey, are you crazy? - Hey, what the hell did you do that for?

Hey, for keeping it from me and letting me think he was a....

Hit him, not me.

A-as soon as we find the Hongs, me, you and Rianne is gettin' into this.

Rimminy, uh?

Young bimbo? Young ja... Jumping jiminy? I don't know.

I can't remember.

No, Riggs. Renminbi.

- What? Say that again. - Renminbi.

That's it.

- You got it. - Means, uh, "people's money".

It's currency in mainland China. - People's money?

What else did Benny say?

Well, that might lead somewhere.

He's talking about his ancestors, he's talking buying them back.

Something about, uh, how tonight

would be too late. - That's right.

- That mean anything to you? - No, nothing at all.

What about the guy who torched my house?

Uh, in the restaurant, it was like Benny was afraid of him.

Hey, if Benny's scared of this guy, he's gotta be Chinese Triad.

Those guys will kill anyone who gets in their way.

That includes cops and their families. So watch your asses, all right?

- Thanks, Ng. - And keep me posted.

Yeah. You pick up your wife, my daughter.

And make sure she's safe. - Yes, sir.

- I'll get Trish, you get Lorna. - Yeah, her and Ping.

What?

You wanna get married, don't you?

No.

Yes. Yes, I do.

But if you don't want to, it's okay.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because I didn't wanna put any pressure on you, Riggs.

I mean, if you want to someday, that'd be great.

If you don't...

I love you.

I'll take you any way I can get you, Riggs.

Feel that.

- Hey, Ping. Ping, feel the baby. - Oh, he's really dancing in there.

Yeah, he's kicking. You feel him?

Hang on!

You're okay.

Hey, Riggs. Pick up, Riggs.

Riggs, it's Murtaugh.

Hey, I'm sick of these fuckers, Rog. I say we just find 'em and shoot 'em.

What do you think?

Better meet me and Butters on South Spring then.

Hey, what's goin' on?

They found my watch.

They killed Hong, his uncle, uncle Benny too. Bodies are in there.

- Where's the rest of the family? - They're okay.

INS raided a Chinese sweatshop.

Hong's family was being held there and they led them back here.

- Murtaugh, Riggs. - Hey.

Looks like they were making funny money. Ink's still wet.

- Where are the faces? - That's why I call it funny.

Why in hell are they making Chinese money?

Hey, can they even exchange this stuff here?

- No, in China. - Renminbi.

- I remember. - Hey, Riggs.

Yeah?

Hong's uncle was a... an artist. Ma-maybe an engraver.

Bringing over his family could've been how he was paid to do the job.

That's kind of thin.

No, that's not thin. You keep talkin'. What?

Uh, Benny said something about paying....

buying back his forefathers. - That's right. The forefathers.

Murtaugh, what'd you say?

Uh, uh, Benny said something about buying back his forefathers.

Wait, wait, wait. You said "ancestors".

- Ancestors, forefathers. - What's the difference?

No, no. The number four. Four Fathers.

These guys were the top guys of the old Hong Kong Triad.

These guys disappeared from prison. They're gone.

Yeah, reds jailed them when they took over Hong Kong.

- I bet they're here. - Damn, we're good.

Hey, Lorna, grab Ping.

I don't want him to see the bodies. - Oh, yes, thanks, honey.

- Come on, sweetie. Come here. - Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Ten to 1... I know where the money is.

Twenty to 1 , I know where the Four Fathers are. Let me make a call.

Come on, buddy. - Don't leave without us.

- Hey, that was good work. - Yeah.

- You must be a detective. - I have my moments.

Yeah.

Uncle Benny.

You know, I was actually starting to like the old goat.

Bloody marvellous.

And it's fried rice, "you plick".

Oh, here.

- Which one is Hong? - Hong is right in front of you.

I want a complete set of forensics on all three.

Yes, sir.

Dads and their kids.

I'll take care o' yours, buddy.

We gotta go, Rog.

- Take care of yourself. - Okay, where're we goin'?

- L.A. Harbor. - What's there?

It's what they call a foreign trade zone.

There are a lot of shady deals going down with the Chinese military.

It's run by a corrupt Chinese general.

I got it. I got it. Some-some corrupt Chinese general brought the Four Fathers here,

and the Triad's buying their release.

That's what uncle Benny meant by buyin' them back.

That general's gonna be shittin' kittens when he sees the money's counterfeit.

Yeah. Let's tell 'im.

Hi, gang.

L.A.P.D.

I saw Hong.

Hey, this is, uh, what uncle Benny must have meant by buying the Four Fathers back.

Look, it's Harpo, Groucho, Chico and... Fucko. How are you, boys?

And who's the naughty general?

Who's been lining his pockets? Huh?

Naughty. Speaky English?

What do you want?

See all this?

I hope you need a lot... a lot of toilet paper back home.

Cause that's about all it's good for, wiping your ass.

Yeah, you can take the Four Pops back to China. We don't give a shit.

The Four Pops.

We don't want them here no more. It's counterfeit. See?

Triads never prosper when they try and cheat a general.

See for yourself.

There you go. Money losing face. General losing face.

Very hard when Triad try to sit on it.

I fucked you. I fucked you.

We fucked you. It's beautiful. - It's beautiful.

Don't we get a hand?

Here we go.

Keep your head down, Rog. Let them shoot each other!

Riggs, watch out!

Thanks!

Was this a good idea?

Well, it was an idea!

Eleven in the mag, one in the pipe. You do you got?

A real gun. Six shots.

Four!

- Hey, Rog? - Yeah.

What the hell is goin' on? Why are you lyin' to me?

I.A. says you're on the take.

Hey, I'm on the take?

Yeah. I think it's crazy too. But you've been spending a lot of money.

You ever hear of Ebony Clark?

Yeah. She writes those cheesy sex novels!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Are you boinkin' 'er?

Ah, no, I'm not boinking Ebony Clark, Riggs. Shit.

Hey, Trish is Ebony Clark. - Trish is Ebony....

You are boinkin' her.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I'm boinkin' her.

I couldn't tell anybody. Too embarrassing. - Yeah, I don't blame you.

- She's making a shitload of money. - How many you got?

- Uh, t... two. - All right. I'll look for more ammo.

Hey, who's the guy with the white pyjamas? You know who that is?

That's Wah Sing Ku. The Four Father with 'im is his older brother.

No kiddin'?

Get down!

- Hey, Butters. - Shit! Shit!

Now you got my name right.

I'm out. I gotta find some rounds.

I'll help you.

Never been shot before.

Hey, hey, Ng.

Take care of my son-in-law here.

Hey, Riggs!

You all right? You all right?

No, I'm not all right. I got my ass kicked again.

Shit, I'm out, I'm out. Shit.

Hey, I hit the son of a bitch. I thought I missed 'im. Where'd they go?

Okay, come on, come on, come on, come on.

Now, we got door number one, number two, or number three.

- Looks like number two, Monty. - Okay, let's go.

What do we got behind door number two? Bingo.

Well, now you done it.

Now he's really pissed.

Son of a bitch gonna be a handful.

Since I met you, I done some hairy shit. But this not gonna happen.

I'm gonna be a grandfather...

and you and Lorna gonna have a baby.

He ain't worth dying for, Riggs. He ain't worth it.

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

Hey, if he gets away we can track him down later on

with a, well, you know, with a howitzer or something.

Your son-in-law's in there, bleedin'. - Yeah.

We should get him, get the hell out of here. It's rainin'.

- Shit, it's rainin'. - I'm too old for this shit too.

Yeah.

Guy's too damn good.

Oh, yeah, he's damn good. I mean, how'd he do that thing with the gun?

How the hell did he do that?

I mean, he took my gun apart with one deft move. How did he do that?

Huh? How?

Yeah, okay. Let's go ask 'im.

You mother...

Rog! Are you up there?

Are you all right?

Rog!

Riggs!

Riggs!

Riggs!!

Hey, Riggs!

Riggs!

Where are you, Riggs?

Will it to me, Riggs! Riggs!

Where are you, Riggs?

Will it to me, Riggs!

Will me, Riggs. Will me.

Riggs, you gonna-gonna have a baby. Will me.

You son of a bitch. God. Will me. Riggs. Riggs.

I hear you, Riggs. I hear you.

I got you! I'm comin'!

I heard you, Riggs, there! I heard you!

You willed me to it, man. You willed me, baby.

What took you so long?

What took me so long? What the hell you mean, what took me so long?

I was knocked down over here. I couldn't even get up.

Hey, hey! Come back here.

Hey, let's go home, man.

Let's get out of here.

I haven't been here enough... lately, Vicky. I'm sorry.

I need to talk to you about Lorna. Me and Lorna.

Well, it's like this. She wants to get married

and... I love 'er. I won't lie to you. I do.

And, uh, I wanna make her happy.

And, uh, I'm lookin' for help here, honey.

I-I-I... don't know what to do.

Funny talking to you about this stuff but, uh...

Oh, Leo. - Hey, Riggs.

- You wanna get yourself shot, is that it? - No.

What... what the hell are you doing here?

I was tailing you.

Sorry.

I'll leave you alone, okay? I mean, I guess you wanna be alone.

- Yeah. I'd appreciate it. - Okay.

You know, when I was a kid, I had a pet frog.

What?

Just give me a second. Let me tell you this, okay?

Eh... I had this pet frog, name was Froggy.

He was my best friend in the whole world.

I didn't have a lot of friends. Matter of fact...

I-I had no friends.

And, uh... I used to kiss the frog too.

I thought maybe, uh...

it would turn into a princess since I was a boy and, uh...

it could be my, uh...

my mother.

They told me that she... left or something.

And my father was no bargain.

And so, just the frog,

Froggy, was my friend.

I really loved 'im and took 'im everywhere with me.

And I was ridin' my bike one day,

he jumped out of the box

and, uh, I ran him over with the back tire.

I killed 'im.

I was really heartbroken. Really.

He was my best friend in the whole world, the only thing I ever loved.

And then I met you... and Roger.

And you guys really looked after me a lot more than you really had to.

- I'm terrible to you, Leo, I, I... - No, no, it's okay. It's okay.

You're my family... and my friends.

You're not better friends than Froggy, you're just different.

And, uh, I just thought that maybe that might be relevant.

Okay, I'll leave you alone now.

Leo....

I-I-I got a funny f... Oh!

- What's the matter? - Oh. I'm havin' a baby.

- What? - It's Lorna. She beeped me.

Yep, it's Lorna. - The baby!

She's having the baby, yes.

- Holy shit. I-I-I'll go get the car. - I'll be two steps behind you.

Okay.

You sure picked a strange angel, honey.

But I got the message.

I got the message.

I'll always... I'll always have this.

I'll always have you. In here and here.

Thanks, honey. I gotta go. Bye.

I am not ready to have this baby yet!

Yes, you are. You're as ready as you're gonna be.

Okay, fine! Just wheel me in.

My legs are staying closed!

Give me this! Give me this!

Ma'am, let go.

I am a police officer. And I am not ready.

I am L.A.P.D. and I can arrest you for interfering....

Lorna! Lorna, Lorna, you all right?

- Are you the husband? - Yes, I am.

Honey, honey, are you all right?

No, I'm not all right, Riggs.

I said I didn't wanna get married, but I do wanna get married.

I wanna be a wife before I'm a mother. And I lied.

I know you don't want to. - Okay.

- You said "okay"? - Yes, I did. Okay.

Let's do it. Okay.

- He said "okay". - Yes.

- Congratulations. - He said "okay", Leo.

Oh, my God.

What's that smell?

I was on my way to the toilet and she grabbed me.

- I'm so sorry. - Have a nice baby.

I'm so sorry.

Will you marry me?

Oh, Riggs.

You bet I will, Riggs. - Okay.

- Okay, let's go. - Okay.

No, I'm not going. Wait, no, no, no. No, wait. Wait, wait. Wait, wait! Please, Riggs.

Go get a minister. - Now?

Yeah, right now, cause we're getting married. Oh, God, here comes another one.

We need a license, blood test...

No, no, no, no, wait, no, I just wanna hear the words of the minister

before the baby comes. - It's coming now.

Listen, I am getting married or there is no baby, you got it?

This could be an aspect of a transition phase.

This is no goddamn aspect of a goddamn transition phase!

Honey, honey, everybody, calm down. Okay? Okay?

- Oh, God. - Calm down. Calm down. Okay?

Leo, get a priest, minister, anything. - Where? Where?

Leo, go get a priest! Goddamn it, Leo!

I got it, I got it. Okay. Okay.

Pant, pant, blow. Remember this pant you learned in Lamaze?

Pant, blow. Pant, pant, blow.

- But I wanna say "I do". - Hey, look. Here he is. Here he is.

This is... this Rabbi Gelb.

- A rabbi? - You said anything.

- No, no, no. He'll do. - Okay, Rabbi.

For what I'll do? What's going on here?

Uh, Rabbi, we'd like you to marry us.

- Marry? - Please.

- You're Jewish? - Uh, not necessarily.

- You got a license? - Uh, no, we don't.

- Well.... - Please don't go.

She just needs to hear the words to make her feel better

before the baby comes. You know how it is. I mean, she's...

Are you both serious about this? I don't have time for hijinks.

Real serious, Rabbi. We're really very serious.

Well, I could do it. It wouldn't be official.

It's all right. I just wanna hear the words, Rabbi. You know.

What the hell. Uh, what are your names?

Uh, I'm Martin and this is... Lorna.

- Martin and Lorna. - Mm-hmm.

What am I doing? How do the goyim do this?

- Dearly beloved. - That's it. Dearly beloved....

Dearly beloved, marriage is a spiritual union....

Oh, Rabbi.

Faster, faster. She's heading for the home stretch.

All right. Martin, will you take Lorna to be your wife?

Will you honor, love, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera...

until death do you part? - I will.

All right. Lorna, will you take Martin to be your husband, etcetera, etcetera?

- Yes, I do. - The same thing.

All right. I pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride. You already did that.

- Let's go. - No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

- What? What? What? - Hold it, hold it, hold it.

- What? What is it? - Let me have this glass.

I need this! I need this glass!

No, goddamn it! What the hell are you doing? Aah!

Talk to the hand, okay? I'll be right back. Okay? Wait, wait.

You know how long it took me to fill that goddamn thing? All day!

Leo, this is... this is unsanitary. What... what is this?

- You gotta break this glass. - I'll get piss on my shoes.

- You gotta do this! - Okay.

- Mazeltov! - Okay, let's go!

Hey! What the hell?

Come back here, you little son of a bitch!

Pant, pant, blow.

Leo, please.

Your work is over here now. I-I think someone else needs you.

- Okay. - Okay?

Good luck, Lorna, Riggs.

- Leo? - Yeah.

- Thanks a lot. - Oh, okay.

- Hey, look, stick around. - Okay.

Meet the kid.

Hey, good luck, Lorna! Okay, okay.

Riggs.

Here it comes, here it comes.

Here he is.

Oh, he's looking right at you. He knows it's you.

Hey, Rog, look what I found.

Look at that. - Oh, boy. What a beauty.

Look at those eyes.

- He looks like his mother. - Hey, yeah, yeah, he does.

Hey, hey! Murtaugh, Murtaugh, Murtaugh, Murtaugh!

- No, no, Butters! - That's right.

Butters baby. Better not be Murtaugh.

It's Butters. Butters, Butters.

Look at that baby.

Look at the hair.

Oh, that's my baby.

Look at her. You're so cute. Look at you.

Twenty-seven people, nobody thought of bringing a camera?

Leo, your plastic's flaccid. Face it.

These machines, they take your your plastic, they wreck it and then give you the camera.

The camera doesn't work. You know what they're doing? They're just tryin' to...

- No, no, no. - Leo.

Okay.

Hey, captain, what are you doing here?

Look at these two babies.

A little something from everybody at the squad.

- All right. - Thank you.

Let me see those captain badges, give them back to me.

What for?

Congratulations, you're sergeants again. The city's self-insured.

Oh, I thought they were gonna make us president.

By the way, grandpa, you owe the chief one.

He went to bat for you with the INS...

and they're gonna give asylum to the Hongs.

All right, all right.

- We're gonna take a picture. - Come on.

Come on. Come on.

All right, Leo.

All right. Everybody squeeze together. Candy stripers out.

Out, out. Okay, okay. Out, out.

I can't. There's not enough room. I'm sorry.

Okay, okay.

- You gotta back up. - Back, Leo.

I'm taking big steps!

Hey, get this guy to take it. Leo, get in the picture.

Doc, do me a favor. Can you take a picture of all of us?

Come on, hurry up.

It's my best man, after all.

Get my grandbaby in it too.

Are you all friends?

No. We're family!

Okay, on three.

One, two, three!